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dear mt-

so. um. i know we haven't talked much beyond graduation. but your facebook status? "eight years married today and my husband is my best friend."

*i* haven't forgotten, so i can't imagine you have.

or maybe you have forgotten, and that's what's kept you with him for 8 years.

we gave you support and outs way back when. you were indifferent.

i hope the cheating has stopped. i hope he's stopped beating you. i hope for a lot of things, and i hope you're free of him before year 9.

Christine Nectarine
i'll post while i decide if i will actually give this letter.

I love you, and I have no defence. It makes me hurt in my heart, and sick in my gut.
I understand the rationale I hurt you, so you hurt me. I was inconsiderate of you, so you are disrespectful to me. Youve given me a clear reminder I tried to do things on my own, where we need to do them together.
I need you for your love, and your help. I need your physical presence, and your emotional availability.
I love your sensitive nature, and your way of thinking about things deeply and critically. Sometimes though, I wish you could just let things go.
I need once again to redeem myself in your eyes, and to prove that I will learn from my mistake. I usually do. I attribute this to the fact that weve grown a lot together. I want you to let me in so I can do this.
Im not the person I want to be without you. I cant eat or sleep or think right until we work things through. I think you are suffering the same affliction, and it hurts me too.

love, me.
Dear M,

Okay, I love you, I really do. But I'm getting a bit sick of the food snark. Okay, you're a vegetarian and you don't eat sugar and that's great for you but it's not for everyone. I don't know how you even manage to be a vegetarian when you stick to a western style diet. I feel like I can't suggest restaurants because places I like don't have vegetarian options and then if I suggest an ethnic restaurant that would have vegetarian options you say that you can't go there because foods like garlic and onions irritate your stomach.

At this point I am just going to avoid the topic of food altogether. Forget that I had some delicious corn on the cob tonight, all you'll want to do is talk about how all corn is genetically modified these days. I realize that there is a lot of crap put in food and most people don't even realize it. But you know what? Life is short. I'd rather enjoy a meal than scrutinize every single bite that I put in my mouth.

Dear Lost Boy,
Sheesh, would you give it up? You aren't going to hurt my feelings anymore by suggesting I'm stupid every time I say something. I already know you think I am some empty headed girl who went to college and had her mind opened there, and almost everything I say is within that framework.

Guess what? I didn't go until I was 21. By that time I'd already read half of your favorite books and half of mine too. There were a couple of classes I had where I'd read half the required reading prior to taking the class and I chose my major because it would be the most challenging. In fact, I learned more working these sorts of shit jobs and from punk rock than I did from my coursework. Just because I jumped through some hoops and wrote some papers doesn't mean jack. I did learn some stuff, but in the end the only difference between your education and mine is I had the wherewithal to finish my degree, while you couldn't. Or decided it wasn't worth it. Either way, I just remember you saying when I first got up that you regretted it. I have the feeling that's the truth, and explains a lot of why you act like such a jerk to me.

And guess what? I've seen that sort of behavior before. I've seen people who act like college isn't a big deal, that it's for suckers because of insecurity and jealousy. It makes me roll my eyes and wish you'd get over yourself because believe or not, I am.

We are all the sum of our experiences and yes, my university life is part of mine. However, so is resort work. So is snowboarding, growing up on a farm, living in AZ, dealing with depression, there is a lot more to my past than just what happened in Duluth during those years. So suck it, please.


Dear self,
Um, next time you go on a shopping spree, try to keep track of your spending better, okay? Your room looks nice, the latest from Wilco sounds good and the shoes you bought are cute--as well as the jeans and the dress--but damn, you don't need to buy the store out.

Dear Universe -

I'm just a nice person by nature, but come on - when does my payoff come in? really. I'm well aware that a whole lot of people like me because of what I do for them. All the time I hear "you're the greatest!" and know damn well that if I wasn't busting my ass to get the people who said it what they requested, I'd certainly be far from the greatest in their book. It's easy to be "the greatest" when you're giving people what they want. Wonder if they'd still like me if I couldn't come through for them. Doubtful. Funny thing is, they don't even know they do that. We all do it. I just happen to notice it and not buy into the illusion that they mean it. It's all about who you know, what you can do for someone. I know it.

Just the same, would be fucking great if I'd get some sort of payoff for just genuinely being nice. Yeah, I have great job, great friends (the REAL ones, anyway) great place to stay, etc etc. would be fucking cool if there would be "that someone" who would want to take it beyond just that with me though. Maybe just actually see me as "the greatest" not because of what I can do for them, but just because of who I am.

Dear guy with the cane at Target,

Thank you so much. I don't even know if you meant for me to hear what you said, but I did and it totally made my week. Bless your sweet little heart! You've reminded me how wonderful it is to hear a kind word from a stranger. I'll try to pass that along.
Dear cat,

Please please eat something. And please please drink more. You pigheaded feline. You've got another 10 years ahead of you if you would only pull through the UTI and avoid fatty liver disease while you're at it. I swear I'll never again bitch you out for haranguing me for food.
((anarch's kitty)) I know all about the awfulness of fatty liver disease- you don't want it. anarch, if it does happen, PM me- I got lots o' tips! *fingers crossed that it doesn't*
(((anarch and kitty))) eat/drink vibes heading your way!

Real Estate Gods:

I know I'm asking for a lot. The moon, even. Please send throngs of buyers to my door~please please pretty please with sugar on top?
Dear universe -

WTF? I can't even get a 40 year old, single nerd. I know I'm not a loser, and I know it's not me, but you're sure doing a good job at chipping away my confidence about this shit. Why can't I just get a fucking break and not have every single guy I meet, even the really nice, good ones, be a complete fucking freak when it comes to women? Can't you just fucking send me one who has the fucking cajones to just follow through?


Thanks, polly and tree. Your vibes are helping. Really. Thank you. He did eat a little this morning and we syringed some water into him too, and when I came back this afternoon he was perkier, not trying to hide, and more like his old self. It'll probably be touch and go with him for a while but the vet seems to know what she's talking about, so we're crossing our fingers.

I had a good cry last night after posting here. Plugged up my nose something awful for a few hours.

It's of our nicknames for him is Fuzzy Butt, but he came back from the vet's last week with his butt shaved, I assume from where they put the catheter in. Bald Butt doesn't have the same ring to it, somehow.
Dear TIFF,

You know what would be awesome? Is if your website actually said when and where movies are playing! Wtf is this? A description of a movie is great. Now tell me where to go see it!!

Holy fuck!
QUOTE(rudderlesschild @ Aug 25 2009, 01:39 AM) *
Sister L. E. -

I remember this, I can see it clearly. I haven't even thought about it for nearly thirty years.

Recess. Our playground shared fences with a lot of the neighborhood houses. Most of them had planks up for privacy. But that one house, the one with the pool, they had just a chain-link fence. And that day, sometime in Spring of my first-grade year, this little boy ran up to the fence and laughed with us. He was two or three years old, and adorable. We laughed with him through the chain-link fence. He smiled, made faces, anything to make us laugh. He tossed his little shovel, his bucket, his water-wings over the fence. We ran to catch them, to toss them back. He tossed them back over. And we laughed. One by one, our poor aim landed his toys in the pool. And then the bell rang, and we all ran back to class.

We never thought to wonder where his parents were. We left him smiling there through the fence. We were six years old.

You told us later, you stopped our phonics lesson to tell us: he had gone after his toys, and his mother had found him floating face-down in the pool.

You looked down at us - sitting there in our desks, shocked and trying not to cry - you told us that this was our fault.

And so I went to my first funeral. We all went, all seven of us, the ones who tossed his toys into the pool. We watched as his mother screamed and fainted, clutching at the tiny white coffin. We listened as his father broke into sobs at the pulpit. And we saw your implacable eyes upon us the whole time, standing at the end of the pew where you'd lined us up, where we sat swinging our feet and staring at our folded hands.

And we believed you. We believed that we were responsible.

I cannot pretend to imagine what you were thinking. What the hell were you thinking?

I don't know where the rest of those girls are now. I hope they are safe and well. I hope they have forgotten.

And I wish there really were a Hell, so I could believe you were burning in it.



I had a co-worker whose husband was born a twin. His brother was stillborn and when he was about the same age as you in your story, his priest told him that his brother was in hell because he wasn't baptized and made him feel guilty for it. Needless to say, he stopped going to church as soon as he could and is still pissed about it.

Similar to your story, last night I saw my 6th grade teacher in the grocery store with his wife. Maybe I confessed this in the confessions thread already, but other than that, I've only told a couple of people- he hit me a couple of times when I was in his class. It took all I had in me to not ram the shopping cart into his ankles.
(((((rudderless))))) I am so sorry. NOt your fault. NOt your fault. NOT your fault.


Dear C's new brazilian wife
you are amazing. Being included in your smile is like entering a hot tub. I am so honored that you like me and don't feel weird about this.
And I see you two are so in love, so please please stay that way. He needs some warm, steady, light, LONG term loving. And that seems to be the way you love. So take care of this boy, dear woman.
Me and C, we stuck it out through some serious madness, dragged each other out of hell in our teeth. He wasn't joking when he said I always show up faster than the ambulance. He's my boy, I raised him. He didn't know where to slide his card for the subway when he came to this city. He was a baby.
So you be very nice to this boy, beautiful lady. Okay?
Thank you.


Dear C,
you didn't need to recount *that* experience in front of her in a language she does not understand so she can watch my eyes well up and ask if I am okay. I am okay. Are you okay? That was intense. But it was also SO beautiful. It took all I had in me to not to fall apart. Good thing lighters can be tricky so one can fuss with them.
I know it was your way of saying it is still there, that I haven't lost that place in you, that we will always walk through fire/ a wall/ an acid bath for each other.
And the moment when she left the room for a minute, I know you are in love with her, and she with you, and it makes me SO happy, but that wall-slamming look you gave me, and the fist to your heart, thank you babe. I know. It will always be that way for me too. We don't ever need to talk about it or pick at it or ever think about it and feel weird - because it is a different place in the heart that I love you with and would momma-tiger the world for you. Yes I would. You are my little cub more than anything, and I will always show up faster than the ambulance.
baby love.

oh you know who


Dear Universe,
am I the fuckedest uppest bitch in the world to be bawling like this?
I have had all the love in the world since I ran from C, and he is so happy, and she has so walked out of a dream, and I am so very happy for him.
Then why am I crying and shaking? Because he did it. He found the one that is gorgeous and sweet and wonderful enough that he can love her forever and them being foreigners to each other, she'll never know the little pockets of self he isn't such a man in, the little deprived child routines he has, they don't translate to portugese. His beautiful ugliness doesn't cross over.
So I feel like it's for me to know and love that part. Am I sick?
But IT IS a different part of the heart. He held me in that bathtub, he made me breathe again.
I am not supposed to forget that, am I?
Thank you so much, dear Universe, for this good turn you did him.
He is my baby, please please keep smiling on him.
[lighting a candle n so forth]



Dear Conductor Guy,

Today is Friday. The audition was Monday. Are you ever going to tell me whether I made it in or not? Or have you decided that I didn't make the cut and you're too spineless to tell me?

One e-mail. That's all I'm asking for.

(((((((7seconds and rudderless)))))))

Dear MrKins,
We are in this. And sometimes I am bitchy and difficult, but I just need to feel more love from you. I need to feel more like you are there, in my corner, rooting for me. For us. Because sometimes, it just doesn't feel like you are. More often than not, you are busy in your brother's corner, your friends' corners, your own. I am all you have. Everyone in your life has proven themselves as self-centered as you are being lately. They are NOT cheering for you, helping you, supporting you. Stop placing yourself in line to be hurt and then take it out on me when they are asses to you.
Because it just makes me want to walk away, and stop being in this. To take the dog and go. And stop putting myself in your corner giving you and us all I've got. So yes I get upset and I am difficult, but it is not unreasonable to need you to give back to me some of what I'm giving to you.


(I just really needed to get it out without being interrupted.)
real estate gods/goddesses:

So...maybe today wasn't the day to have the open house? Not one single looker? What do I have to do?
Dear J:

I told you to leave me alone. Please stop showing up in my dreams. I don't need to go through this all over again every night.

Thank you.

Dear Mr Kins
You have been a doll the last 2 days. I'm not sure how what I've said a couple of days ago made sense and nothing before that did, but whatever it is, I am thrilled. And feel so much peace and contentment and love all over the place. I am the luckiest.
Thank you love.
(I'll probably tell you this anyway).
My Love,

I know this is hard for you to watch. I know I am not really fooling you, either Thank you for being you. I will be okay. Remember, I'm SJ's daughter and a fighter. I just feel like my get up and go got up and went far, far away. But I will pull myself out of this, even if I have to crawl out. It makes me sad to see such worry in those eyes I love so much. But thank you for understanding. And please, baby, don't feel like you aren't helping. You've been my lifeline.

xoxo Your girl, always.

Dearest S,

God, I love you. You know me so well. Thank you for calling me on my shit tonight. Sorry I tried to bullshit my way through a half assed excuse with you, I should have known better. You will always be my rock. I had a hard time telling you that I just am not feeling up for a birthday celebration because I miss you SO much all the time. I cherish every moment I get to see you. And telling you and your darling wife not to come down, it made me feel like a first class jackass. I feel so selfish and whiny and I love you both to pieces for understanding. I do want to reschedule, promise. I am looking forward to our double date, it sounds way better than a family dinner. I'd so much rather it be the four us, so I can hog every precious moment of your attention. I feel greedy and don't wanna share with everyone else.

xoxo Ex Wifey


I heart you to the core of my being. You are the yin to my yang, always. I know you are bowled over with excitement and anticipation of this trip. I know you are used to me being your biggest cheerleader. I am trying to listen, but I'm getting tired. I want to be excited for you. Well, I am excited for you, I just don't have it in me to show it right now. It's not that I am upset or sad that you'll be gone on my birthday. I know you are worried that I'm sad because you'll be gone and R has to work. But really, neither of things are bothering me. D is taking me to lunch, J wants to take me out to dinner. I don't want to do either thing. What I want to do is go to your empty place and hermit there in your comfy chair with the AC blasted. I feel lonely in rooms full of people right now. I am fucked up, mama. I do wish I was going with you too, but I can't. I'm not me right now. I couldn't handle the whole tour right now, all the people, the partying, the long drives, the loud music, the people. I know it would be just like we're 22 again, but I don't even have it in me to feel 32 right now. I feel old and beaten down and the truth is, I'd rather ignore Friday. Sorry I am a selfish sister right now.


Dear Loved Ones,

I'm sorry. Sorry that I am in this pit. I know it's self pity and selfishness. And I am sorry that I am not being my usual straight forward self. I know I should just tell you all straight out that I don't want to celebrate my stupid fucking birthday, but I can't even get the words to come out of my mouth. I don't want to disappoint any of you. And even more so, I don't want to worry any of you. I did call to try to get help, I just don't want to go to to their asinine orientation class. Seriously, I am feeling like I am on the edge and they want me to sit in a room full of other people before I can talk to someone about how afraid and low and fucked up I am feeling, when I really don't want to do anything right now? Gee, fucking brilliant.

Your favorite PITA Virgo

Dear Me,

Please stop falling apart already. Call the doctor and make them see you NOW. Even if it's just the Primary Care doc, perhaps she can get you in to see someone without having to sit through their dog and pony show first. Stop procrastinating and just fucking do it, this is not okay and you know it. You can't take care of everyone else the way you like to if you can't even function at an at least semi-normal level. Stop pretending everything is fine until you're alone, you aren't a very good liar and they are all starting to notice. Just GO and handle your shit, damnit.

Your rational self

Dear universe -

So now it seems you don't even have to date me first to have the next person you go out with be someone you're so into you shout it from the mountaintops and get serious with really quickly. Now it seems all you have to do is ask me out, then you'll meet that person a few days later, blow of your date with me, and go off with them. Great. Just when I thought my love life couldn't get any shittier, it does. Thanks.

Don't even know what to say here..

Dear Dumbfucks
This has made it really clear to me what you are all about. Your only concern is making yourself look good and if that means taking credit for the ideas and work of others then so be it. I know who is down for helping me succeed professionally and who isn't. I will keep this lesson in my mind when dealing with you both. Thanks for opening my eyes to your true nature. I am even more determined to get my EDd than ever before.
Later Bitches
Dear J:

Happy birthday.


This is your niece. My cousin. You've known her all her life, held her as a baby, held her as a toddler, held her as a schoolgirl, a million times. When exactly do you think the magic line was drawn where you could say *that* to her? It never was drawn was it? It's just how you see women, people, babies, anyone. Me. Anything that walks on its hind legs, or might one day learn to, you just leak and spray and drip your gross sexual energy over it. Am I wrong? Fucking hit me again if I am wrong. Like I would know the difference, yeah.
Listen, fucking scum of a no-boundary wonder.
I have watched you do this to enough women and squirmed, women that live in your building, women that shop from the same store, they don't turn their face to you when they say hello back. They don't want to deal with you vampire gaze. Have to wipe invisible drool off their skin.
Do you know how long it took me to learn that there IS such an answer as 'No'? How long it took me to realize I don't have to accept all kinds of touch and all flavors of attention from all breeds of scumbag just because I was raised by one?
Damn, I wish sometimes one of these pairs of soft agreeable hands guiding me softly had actually hurt me, pushed me, drawn blood... elicited a reaction stronger than the gag reflex I have learned to suppress so well from you... wish they'd raped me raped me so I'd kick and fight back so I'd have learned earlier that it is okay to refuse, it is okay to not be a good girl. That I have the right to a sacred space, that boundary around me that you have obscured over and over with your wet kisses and sickening soft touch and vodka breath but it is a boundary that nothing, even you can erase, that I am whole and clean and tight and bright and you suck, motherfucker (literally) and I never have to put up with how you touch me again.
And it's pathetic that you may not be aware that you are doing this, but it doesn't make it any less disgusting, nor does it make it less my right to be ashamed. I am ashamed to be sitting next to you and not making a face and not calling a foul when you urge my sweet baby cousin, your niece you have known for 30 years, with that gross smile of yours, to take her breast out and feed her baby right there in front of you because you "haven't smelled a full rack in a while" and because you "may want to join in". In front of her parents, in front of your wife, in front of her baby? When the fuck did you get amnesty from all human decency? How fucking disgusting can you be, and how fucking drunk must you be to have that be even remotely an excuse? Not all the vodka in the world. Fucking pervert.
I can't believe I survived, am still surviving, your closeness.
I will just throw my drink in your face next time you do that to a woman, I swear. No warning or screaming. Just, let you wipe sticky stuff off yourself, see how it feels. I want to puke just thinking of what you said, and still, I am deeply sorry for you and look for you in every fucking boy that comes my way and want to heal you in them... How do I make this okay, how do I make it okay that I don't know where I end and where they begin because of you, fucker? How?

With all my disgust and sick longing for a dad that hugs me cleanly,



(((rudderless, yuefie, zoya, epi)))
Hey you: Why don't YOU shut the fuck up for once? Why do you have to shush me in a nearly empty restaurant because I'm laughing at someone's joke? Who fucking cares how much noise our table is making? Don't hang your insecurities on me. You're younger than me, bitch; don't tell me what to do. And don't sit next to me the next time you don't want to hear me laughing at someone's genuinely funny (not sarcastic or mean-spirited like your boyfriend, I might add) comments. FUCK YOU. and FUCK OFF.

love (eh, sometimes), me
(((((7, epi, yuef, rudderless, zoya)))))

Dear K,

Never pull the cop bullshit on me again outside fucking. EVER.

Dear Family

I love you very much. I have loved you since the day you were born, even thouugh i remeber as a 4 year old saying i dont want you but i love you. I am getting married this month. When you finished college last year and moved in with me I was reluctant but however agreed as I am an arse and I cant say no to my family. You moved in. Helped around a lot. But you messed my place too. My bathroom looks 10 years older than when you first moved in. I dont have glasses anymore (you broke all of them) and you supposedly clean but my place it is dirty on the corners. You have been overly dependant. I cant stand it. I am getting married, he stays miles away. and I can only see him on weekends when I am free and workdays I have to be at my place with you. He cant even visit cause you are there and you are very unfriendly. Now you cant even go to stay at our parents house (who didnt kick you out by the way) to give me privacy so that I can spend time with my fiancee. You were mad when i told you im going to stay at his place for a week. I dont care. You are 24 for heavens sake!live your life and stop depending on me. You messed up your own life by not focusing at school and now that you have a crappy diploma I have to suffer for it, please move out. I cant stand it. My white couches are now yellow cause you use them as sleeper couches. im even scared to tell you cause of your attitude. Please move out I cant take it anymore. Im glad youre going in three weeks. i cant wait. you are not even happy for me cause nothing of yours is going right. Well blame it all on your attitude. Please go
Dear G-d,

Would you please work some magic and get the company who interviewed me twice and told me 'there's a fit here' to find a position for me already? They want to hire me. I want to work there. I don't care if they make me the Chief Wastebasket Emptier. I've been out of work for almost a year now and it's getting old.

I love spending more time with my daughter and with friends, but come on. I want to earn some money. I want us to get out of debt. I want to be able to put money aside and invest it. I don't want to have to watch every penny. I'm here, I'm able bodied, I'm damn smart, so why won't they hire me?! (Yeah, me and every other smart able bodied unemployed person.)

I realize I have much to be grateful for, and believe me, I thank You every day for my family, my friends, the roof over my head, the food on my table, and the yarn in my basket. And my cats. Is it too much to ask for a job, too?

Thank You,


P.S. If you could cut my dear friend S. a break health-wise and life-wise, that would also be wonderful. Help her by having her not have cancer and make her kidneys work again. Help her 96 and 93-year-old cousins find peace. Help her help them. Give her strength and courage to deal. I can only do so much. Thank You.
dear universe -

I think I would really like this nice young guy to be my "companion" for the next few months. So can you please see fit to have him gravitate my way, faster than most of the boys around here move? I don't wanna beat him over the head with my want for some good sex and fun hanging out, so can you please see fit to give him a mental nudge?

Thank you.

ps - I always said you can only be called a cougar if you're the one that pursues them. this is why I need your help. I'm not going to be the agressor here, it would go against my - ahem - principals. as it were. ph34r.gif
How could you do this to me? I've given you all of me. I've forgiven you for so many things in the past but I cant do this one... I just cant. I dont care if you fucked her or not. The point is that you went looking. You tried and you're still trying. You've broken my heart. I've dealt with all sorts of pain... but this... this is something new. I dont know how to get past this. You belong to a singles site. We've been married for 3 years. Those 3 years have been difficult, but really?
I found pictures of another woman's cunt. Her breasts. Her. I couldnt breathe. You met with her. How do I know it didnt go beyond that? I have your word, which you've made damn sure doesnt count for shit anymore. How did you look at me? How did you tell me you loved me? How DARE you tell me that I'm your love, your life, your angel. GO FUCK YOURSELF.
I dont want to be a wife that doesnt trust her husband. I dont want to be a wife that has to check on her husband. Now I dont know if I want to be a wife.
Where do we go from here? How do I get past you doing this?
Fuck you. I hate that you did this to me. To US. I am worth more than that! I am an excellent wife. More that you have ever deserved. And I have to find this? I have to see this shit? I swear to everything holy that I will destroy you if you put your dick in that.
Your WIFE.

How DARE you look at my husband, knowing he's married. You're married too. I WISH I had your husbands information. I would destroy your life for even THINKING of destroying mine. You should be ashamed of yourself. You're both whores. Go fuck yourself.
Pink, I know I'm on the whole other side of the country so it's not exactly convenient, but if you need to get away, I have a guest bedroom with your name on it. Just say the word.
Pink, the same goes with me. I know I'm in Georgia, but the bedroom's yours if you need it.
I'm so sorry.

I came in here to write something and rant a little but now all I've got is (((((PnP))))) too.

Dear Dumbfuck,
So it only took you a week to actually talk with me and not even a thanks for doing this so you don't look like a total asshole. I will be fucking amazing and make sure I have business cards to hand out.


Dear Luna,
I'm glad you are back home where you belong with you sister. She missed y ou. I hope you enjoyed your little breakout and tell Henrietta all about it.

real estate gods/goddesses:

Open house is tomorrow. Please send people. It's traumatizing to Mojo to be taken out in his carrier and made to sit at the outdoor tavern for two hours while we're kicked out of the house and I am drinking. Please send THE person, the special person who will fall in love with my condo and write an offer on the spot.

dear men -

fuck you, fuck you, fuck you all.

I try to be stoic, i try to remember that the universe has a plan for me, I try to remember that I"m only half the equation of any pair, etc etc etc..and yeah, that only explains it away a little bit.

but you know what?

fuck you. Fuck you, all of you. honestly. Even those of you who are just my platonic friends. great, yeah, friends. and you're so you're so well meaning in saying things like "if I wasn't ! ~married, in a committed relationship, with a girlfriend i'm really into~ I'd totally be after you" and that just makes it worse. Why? because you remind me just how awesome I am and you actually SEE IT and yet, no one - especially not even your single friends, not ANYONE, has the balls to actually even just hang out with me, let alone give me any quality time.

Know what? I fucking WALKED HOME ALONE TONIGHT, because your sorry asses couldn't even take a moment to tell me that you were going to leave, which would have given me the opportunity to have someone walk me at least halfway to my place, or at least to a taxi. Not cause I'm after you, just because it's FUCKING THE DECENT THING TO DO.

you fucking think I'm this fucking totally confident, ballsy, accomplished woman. and while I might be those things, because I've worked my ass off to get them for myself (cause no one else was doing it for me) - at the end of the day, I'm just a girl, and all that goes with it.

do you know how I fucking cry when I come home after a night out and not one guy has even offered to so much as walk me home, aside from my friend's husband who, for example, suggested that all of us who live near each other walk together tonight to get each other home safely? huh?

you think I'm so fucking tough, have done so fucking much, seen so much of the fucking world, that you think I don't need any help and certainly don't want men around to help me... and that couldn't be further from the truth. .. and maybe that's it. maybe thats why you're so fucking terrified of me that you don't even want to just treat me with the standard courtesies you afford other women.

well fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. fuck you. I bawled my eyes out tonight most of the way home and once I got home. It's totally safe here to walk to where I live, but that's not the point. the point is that IM NOT A GUY. I"M A FUCKING GIRL AND I JUST WANT TO BE AFFORDED THE SAME COURTESIES YOU AFFORD OTHER GIRLS.


when is someone with some fucking balls see through the trappings of what I've accomplished in this world? Because no matter who says it, It' DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER. I'm me. I've never been different, never changed, always been the same girl you know. Why can't you, and the other guys in this world SEE THAT AND DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

I don't even know what to say here, except FUCK YOU ALL.


anna k
((((zoya)))) I am so sorry that people were so inconsiderate to you, and that bullshit of guys saying how awesome you are when they're hooked up with someone, but don't take the balls to get with you when they're single. Or saying that they love an independent free-spirited woman, but still want a traditional girlfriend.
Rose, Sassy, Thank you. I appreciate it...

thanks to everyone for the love.
dear zoya -

lay off the gin at the next birthday party you go to, ok? and at least put your angry drunken posts in "inhebriated ramblings," even if they are true.

thank you.

ps - nice one, telling R's gf that you have a huge crush on A. very classy of you.


After trying to plan our wedding this morning, I was really happy. However, telling me I "eat too many deserts" was not a good thing. Yes, I need to lose weight. Just let me have my Newman's Own PB Cups okay? This is the same as calling me fat. Off-handed comment or not, you're being a total asshole.

Do I really want to put up with this shit in my marriage? I really want to go on this study-abroad trip to Greece next summer. I think I'll do it without you.


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