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Dear powers-that-be,

Thank you thank you thank you!! You have come close to saving, or certainly redeeming, my life. I promise to do my absolute best with this.


Dear status quo (my current rut, not the 80s hair metal band),

I don't think I realised how truly miserable you were making me until now, when I can see light at the end of the tunnel. You represent valid life choices to many people, but to me you represent stultification and eventual soul death. You have humbled me though which I must appreciate. Man.

Dear K,

I guess after last night I have realized now that we really have grown apart. It was fun back when we were in college. I really thought that we would be friends for a long time but it's like you have a totally different life here. I'm still in school and you're working in your field. It really sucked having you over and having awkward lulls in the conversation. Some of it was fun but it's pretty clear that we don't have much in common anymore. I'm sure I'll see you around from time to time and we'll still be civil to each other but I won't feel so bad anymore about not making plans with you. I hope you have an okay life.


p.s. It really saddens me that you've simply gone from doing E all the time to turning into a coke fiend.
Dear Universe,

I see your divine plan now. Makes sense.


Dear Self,

You can do this. All of this, there is a reason behind it, there is something you can do to fix it. what you thought you wanted will still not fully solve the problem. Work is a start, that will start to stop the process of spreading yourself too thin. With the other items of business, please don't run anymore. You can't run anymore, look where it's led you, look wher you are.

Where are you now? I read about someone's love plight today and it made me think of you. Not that I need any sort of suggestion for you to pop into my head.
You have no idea how rare it is for me to find someone of a similar mindset. Especially in this part of the country. I was pretty bummed when you left.
But anyway, I hope life is good for you smile.gif
And I hope to the powers that be that we'll run into each other sometime.
Dear D -

I think your girlfriend doesn't like me. (which I suppose could partially explain yours/my sudden drop off of being in touch) This bums me out no end, because I think the world of you, and value your friendship like crazy. I've never really even ever talked to her - but each time I've run across her with you, I've been either 1) drinking with friends and thus socially retarded 2) in the middle of work, like that time you introduced us when I was like "HI," made about 3 seconds of stupid small talk, then had to run away 3) done or said something totally idiotic. That, coupled with my incessant facebook banter a couple weeks ago when I was jet lagged and missing my friends; along with hooking up one night with your best friend and then pretty much blowing it with him during our subsequent actual first date, probably hasn't quite helped to endear me to her.

OK, reading the above, I can see how she might not quite think I'm the bees knees. But you're my friend, you know me, and I do miss talking to you. I've basically just been retreating into all the stuff that's keeping me super busy because I feel kinda weird about getting in touch with you. I don't want you or her to think that I'm being too forward or something. Yours and my relationship has always been strictly platonic, and amazing. I really hope I haven't fucked something up, or something isn't weird. That it's just timing or something.

anyway, I hope you're well, and I really hope we talk soon.

dear busties -

sorry, one more.


Dear R -

you know, I think that it's pretty much shit that in the time that we were hanging out, you went out of your way to let everyone know that you were SINGLE - that we were NOT a couple. And then you turn around, and nearly immediately go out with someone else (who, I might add, is the SPITTING IMAGE of me 10 years ago, but I digress...) and you're shouting it from the mountain tops. Changing your status to "in a relationship" on your social networking sites. Posting photos and all that crap. What? Were you embarrassed to be with me? Hell, everyone else thought it was pretty cool... who cares if it was or wasn't going to last? that's not the point. The point is - I think that the way you acted in that respect was SHIT.

You know, for once I'm not comparing myself to someone else, or wondering why someone is better than me, or the like. No. For once, I see that it's YOUR problem. I'm glad you're growing up, stretching your wings. I hope someday you see that, although you are a nice guy, and were honest with me, you weren't very cool when it came to your actions.


Dear Universe -

yes, ok, to some extent I co-signed that and let it happen -but it taught me one thing: From this point forward, I am NOBODY'S lesson. I will NOT prime someone for the next girl, ever again. If they haven't had enough experience to render them capable of giving me what I need from the get go, then fuck 'em. From now on, I AM the next girl.

Dear Self,

YAY! Another good day where you woke up feeling good!!! Keep it up, two good days in a row!!!


i know i'm such a handful. i warned you when we met, but in typical t style, you charged ahead, undeterred. and unlike everyone, everyone else in my life, you kept your word. you held on to me. you held fast, i honestly don't expect much from anyone, least of all my friends. i've given up on so many things:this life, love, friends, faith, family, dreams, people..... everything, everything. what is left is little but the residue of those things, i've since stopped really letting anyone in. even you i've pushed back, closed off. but even though you've run out of chances, you still never give up on me. you still hold on to me. i wish i could give you more. but i have so little left. but i can thank you. thank you for your faith in me....and the bd cake.

Dear you,

You blew it.



Dear Busties,

Thank you for your love and support. It means so much to me. After reading your words, I've come full circle, and it feels amazing. I know I still have a ways to go, but with your encouragement, I know I can do it.


Dear You,

I don't even know where to begin.

Let me see.

If you were in front of me at this very moment, I would have to fight to not deck you. I am beyond angry, I have hate for you simmering in me.

you are a selfish self involved cock sucking asshole.

I needed you yesterday and today and you were no where to be found. This has driven a permanent wedge in between what I thought was a solid friendship. Now I have nothing but hate and contempt for you.

You know I was the best thing that ever waltzed into you life. I was patient, i was there for you and now I am done with you. Maybe one of the women who wants to fuck you will be able to provide the emotional support I do for you.

You have gone and fucked up so bad, I think that this is beyond repair. I really fucking do. My anger and resentment I harbour for you have impacted us, my fault for not stepping up. But no more can I do this.

I was in denial about what roll you played in this, but I see that you play a pretty major roll. I've stretched myself too thin for people I work with, but I've also stretched myself way beyond thin for you.

you couldn't even be there for me in my hour of need. Yes you were there last week, but last night was much, much worse. today has been hell on earth for me.

Last night proved who a true friend was. I thought you were. you better have the best reason in the world for not being there.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

please don't let that anger eat at you. i reflexively boot people out of my life, but sometimes it really is preferable to being consumed by hate. just look the situation in the eye, and promise yourself you will never make that mistake again, and never look back.


If it's time to walk on by, then by all means do so. His fucking loss, the chump.
((((CH)))) ((((GT)))))

Dear you -

eh, go suck it. fucker.


ps - and you too.


I didn't know you very long. You were always Mcgeek's cat. Very anti-social (they say pets take after they owners?), and kept to himself. I know you didn't like Miles, but you lived in the garage. You were the ex wife's cat, and never seemed to bond with me.

You did loove your food, very Garfield like.

I will never get over the shock of this afternoon finding you on the garage floor. I just hope you're in a better place with lots of kitty food and someone to rub your belly.



Fuck Fake Graduate School, and just come home and hold me damnit!! Why do you have to be so damn technical. "I'll come home and deal with it." It was a living creature not a blender! Have some compassion.
I found your fucking dead cat today. I at least deserve a hug don't I?
And yes, E is right. He should kick your ass for not putting a ring on it yet. Are you freaked out I'll say no?
Gotta love my old crushes.



Don't let the fucked up events of the last 24 hours let you be un-focused. Stay on target with the parent letter, the job applications, and researching grad schools/GRE study.


Please let me have a good day tomorrow.

Dear you,

I was pretty pissed off at you before, but now I'm glad it all happened, it forced me to tell other people what was going on. I forced me to take a long and serious look at how far I've let things progressed.

It's funny that yesterday my anger was directed as someone else.

Things are working out.

BUT I am putting distance between not only you, but a few people at this point, I need to concentrate on me and what's happening. I'm sure the meds will help. I hope they will.

I have to do what feels right.

Friends always,


Dear You,

Yah, for some reason now I'm a little irritated with you. Last night just kind of pissed me off. You told me I was self medicating, just because you have a degree in this area doesn't make you an expert. Maybe I just liked to get high.


Dear MSL,

None of this is directed at you.


((((sassy)))) ((((zoya))))
dear bff-

i don't want to live with you again. that's what fucked us up last time. well, that, and the fact that you hit on me after unceremoniously kicking me out (well, if j dated this woman, maybe she'd be open to nookie from me? um, no, a thousand times no). i don't know if i even want you working with me, and i've barely gotten over you coming down to apply yesterday. anyway, we can't live with each other, especially not in a two bedroom with two kids between us. yes, it would save us both money, and i'm sure we'd work different enough hours in the beginning that we wouldn't be underfoot all the time, but no. i like having my own place, i like being able to do what i want when i want and how i want. $300-400 a month in rent savings is not enough of a trade off. if we were both working minimum wage at walmart or something, that'd be one thing. but we're not, and i like my independence and having my own space. but good luck on getting the job, i know you need it, and i think you'd be good at it.


hey co-irkers-

the fuck is wrong with you people?! seriously, just wtf?

thank you so much for yesterday. thank you for being such a gentleman. i know i was practically humping your leg, yesterday. that must have been hard for you. quite honestly, if you had given in i'm sure we'd be back together, inspite of our better judgement. somethings still feed into those things that we did, getting pierced or any blood play... well, i didn't realize how erotic i found the whole thing until recently. i just thought it was something you and i did, but i was not really interested in pursuing it. i have to admit, i'm stunned by this. you and i both know some heavy hitters, who do somethings that freak me out. medical staples, syringe play, play piercings, and some of the more extreme, bloody c&bt play...suspensions... but they are serious masochists. i love them but i can't see myself being anywhere near as into all of the things that they do, and i still have a hard time it unless it's live. we've talked about how funny it is that a few of them were in complete denial that they love pain. they spend entire weekends getting beaten till their legs are literally swollen, bruised and purple. but they say they don't like pain. oh no. they aren't masochists. and i wonder if that's me. i wonder if i'm in denial. i'm very picky with what pain i do like. i rarely like being spanked, unless you know the sweet spot, i can't stand whips or canes unless i'm using them, and in the years i spent with you, having my breasts+ nipples tortured is the only place i can stand any pain at all. that said the idea of you, cutting me, piercing me, and puncturing my skin, me stiffling my crying, whimpering while you tell me i'm a good girl, petting me...well, it gets me hot. the idea of it makes me dizzy, and i can't control myself when it comes to that and you. i can't. while i know it was for the best that we went to a pro to do my piercing, i still wish that you had done it instead of standing next to me, holding my hand and telling me i did good. but i don't know what would have happened if you did. as it was i so wanted to make out with you in the piercing room, hell, i wanted to fuck you right there in the worst way, and writing now, i'm getting more heated that i thought i would. *sigh* i know i'm probably confused, but i associate (good) pain with you. you telling me how to push thru the pain, and that intimacy and trust we shared. how funny that now, i look back at the bloody mess of you piercing my nipples, and my "lab rat" as one of the hottest scenes i've ever done. i know it's over now, and i made the call. i walked away, and it was the right choice. like you said, this little girl needs to grow up. now i'm starting to make new connections-- my own connections-- in the bdsm community, and i love that. there is so much to learn. funny as it sounds, the whole poly thing doesn't do anything for me anymore. i see all of the players with their 8 people they are dating, and my eyes glaze over. i want to share me with one person, like we had. i don't want to share that part of me lightly. i love that even still, there are parts of me, deep in me that will always love you. a lot of that is because you took the time to find me, value me, to love me. it's why those feelings still hold. thank you for teaching me so much, and thank you for not letting that, and me, get in the way of the friendship we have now.

formerly your good girl,

How about you stop and say something to me, so that I know for sure if you're up to something? Or better yet, get out of your truck and try to intimidate me. I'd love an excuse to gut you like a fish, you weasley bitch. I'll snatch that white cap off of your head and shove it down your throat when I'm through disemboweling you.
Come on. I want you to. I'd love to know what it's like to have some pervert's blood on my hands.
That redhead you always drive by
Dear love gods,

Okay, I get it. I am to be alone for the rest of my life. Next time someone is interesting and interested in me I'll jump into the lake and not pursue anything romantic. Dammit. sad.gif


Dear job gods,
Apparently that goes for my career plans too. Again, dammit. sad.gif


Dear universe,
So your plans are for me to be single and working in a crappy job this summer. Way to make me feel good about myself.

Dear Lilac,

It seems that you and I are in the same kind of situation only I haven't even managed to get a job. Hang in there.

((((lilac)))) ((((ccg))))

Dear Universe,

Thank you for starting to sort things out, the more things progress, the more I see your divine plan. Please help out the other busties that need help and guidance.


Dear Lilac and CCG,

I know things suck to the max right now, I was there and then some. Please keep the faith, please. Give things time, they will get better.

Dear culture and gt,
Thank you for the kind words.

Dear ccg,

Sucks, doesn't it?

Usually I try to be positive and I know things will get better, but after a day of menial labor and getting shot down by someone well, it gets difficult.
Dear baby girl,

I hope you're still doing okay in there. I hope the cyst isn't bothering you and you're getting as much nutrients from me as you can. I know it's hard because of the blood pressure, but keep growing please. You need to be big and strong when you come, so they can do what's best about the cyst.

Please be okay.



I prayed for this at the start, when I was bleeding. I prayed she'd make it. I prayed again when my blood pressure started going up. Can I call on you a third time? Please help her get through this and be okay. Please help me get through this and be okay.


Marital Unit,

I'm terrified. You are wonderful and you are helping and calming me but i'm terrified. Terrified I did something wrong. Terrified something will go wrong. I'm scared to go to hospital, i'm scared I'll still feel sick tonight and you'll take me in and I won't come back until after she comes. I'm scared our baby will have to come even earlier than planned. I'm upset that I won't get to go through labour normally. That we won't be in the shower at home with you rubbing my back. That I won't be in the bath at home. That things have changed so drastically this past month.

You make me a better person and you've helped me through this so well. Please keep being there for me.


fingers + crossed for you. sending you healthy baby vibes.
(((Ananke))) I hope you all pull through this time and emerge strong and well. I'm glad your 'unit' is helping you through this.

Stay strong.

i'll admit it. the idea of you tying me up gets me a little heated. and i do miss you.....just a teeny tiny bit. come on back here you, funny little arrogant ass. i wish i could tell you that, but i don't want you to get a big head. yes, i know that you like me because you get an ego boost having me on your arm, but we both know there is something there. i'm gonna love turning up the heat on you slowly. you don't know it yet, but you are gonna be my plaything. it's that you are such a little snot. you think you have the only cards to be played. heh. to quote a song, "he don't know what's waitin' here this time..." i'm gonna enjoy putting the puncture on your little ideas one by one. it's gonna be a ball.

just.... no more silly business with brightly colored leroy menswear pimp suits this time, k? i don't mind playing at arm candy-- provided i like the arm.



I get that you're stoked about this new research project that the professor gave you, but fuck man. I haven't seen you in 2 weeks sans the funeral. I'm dealing with some weird shit, and would like you to at least give me a glance. I'm now freaking b/c I don't know if I want to be with you because if you're going to be this self-absorbed in graduate school that is not a good thing for the relationship.

We talk about engagements and moving, but there are no clear plans. Yes, it's a "plan," but I'm not seeing any steps. I really need to focus on things right now. I'm upset enough that I don't have a job! It's been almost a year.

Library job,

Please happen.

And I know this is minor, but I still would like another cat eventually.


Portland or Seattle,

If I had the money, I'd be out there now. Wondering too if the guys are hotter?


Stop it. You're letting in the bad. The bad hasn't been allowed in for a long time. If the bad gets in, then we'll never survive. Remember when it tried to suck us up? We were strong enough, but just barely. The bad takes away the faith. No more. Stop letting it in. You're better and stronger and wiser and the bad isnt any of those things. Mom let in the bad. Remember? All she had was failure until us. She kept the bad with her to keep us safe. Tried. Cousin is right. We can do this.

it's staring you in the face, and you can't see it. but that's to be expected. and history will repeat itself, and you will learn nothing. i wonder why i try and tell you, or anyone for that matter. because in the end you only see what you want to. if told you every way i could, in fables, in stories, flowery language and plainly. and i can only surmise that you've got other things to do. if it was something important to you, well, hell, it'd be important to you.



it's taken me years
to learn the art of the fade

where my voice sounds
like white out
all words delete
pain is deaded
my features blur
relationships pixelate
and all that i am dilutes

it's my secret power,
a slight of hand,
my jedi mind trick
you don't even know
is working on you.
and even if you did
would you care?

the funniest part is
it takes so little effort
to distract you
a bit of misdirection
to edit things out
and you don't recall
anything that happened.

that's it's charm:
life's clockwork
gears grind and blind
and you never stop
to look back
and even if you did
would you care?
Dear Mom,

I love you so much. I know that we always say it but sometimes I feel like words aren't enough. I want to thank you so much for visiting this weekend, it was just what I needed. I don't know how I managed to luck out and have such a wonderful mom. But I'm so thankful that with all of the other bad shit that has happened in my life that I have always been able to count on you. And I'm glad that you turn to me for support, too.


Dear Self,

Try to hang in there. The crying isn't as bad as it was last week. It's happening less often and not lasting as long. Congratulations on not crying at all yesterday.
I don't know what will happen between you two. I honestly have no gut feeling. I keep picturing both ways that it could go. I don't want to get too excited for something that may not happen. But try to stay positive. And good for you for sticking to what you said and not contacting him at all.
Try to do what you said you would and focus on your class, exercising, and just reading for fun.

because of our history and your way with words...the way you have when you're one on one...i still let my mind wander. I turn a blind eye to the ways you shrug me off, ignore me. focus on the little things, the possible meanings behind nothingness.
i cant do it anymore. go from one day feeling paranoid and insecure to stupid and used the next.
are you my friend out of pity? do you **** me cause you know i'll come with the snap of a finger?
maybe i won't know you much longer now...words spoken and you run.
I need to hear it from your lips once and for all. what am i to you?
Dear Step Mother,

Wow, I must say that I am absolutely astounded by the conversation we had yesterday. The sheer ignorance you displayed is beyong shocking.

Where should I begin?

I am on anti depressants, and the fact that you were so dismissive about where I am was absolute bullshit. My father is taking them and YOU are taking them and you were still dismissive about it. Really?

I am working in a job that has eroded me, this has nothing to do with my strength. And by the way thank you for telling me I wasn't strong enough to do this kind of work. Really? Could you do this? Could you do what I do? I just can't "laugh things off" as you told me to do. This has to do with the fact that I am stretched too thin and I have too much compassion, something which you are clearly lacking.

Second, when I tell you my counselor is not a doctor, don't tell me they are when you don't know them. Contrary to what's going on in your head, you don't know every PhD and MD in this city that specializes in mental health.

When you tell me that at least i have a job, well, using that logic I could be working in a Chinese sweat shop making twelve cents and hour, but using your logic, hell at least I'd have a job.

You were cruel and crass last night, which again is shocking given my father is in the same boat I am and you are on medication yourself. Well, I guess because I'm young this shit shouldn't be happing.

Further, get off my fucking back about being a cop. If I decide to do this I will be doing this for me not for anyone else. I don't care if you think that it's well suited for me or that's what you want for me. If I were to be doing this I would be taking a substantial paycut. I'm talking around 10 grand a year. And since I'm looking at buying a house in the next few yearsa, that's a lot of money to swallow. We're not talking about a few cents an hour.

Also, don't tell me that I should be more social, that is stretching me too thin. And you're one to talk, you do everything with your husband and your family. Please, sometimes we just need time for ourselves. And I go out plenty.

And finally, stop asking me about getting a man. I don't want to be with anyone, and believe me when I say I've had plenty of men and i don't want anymore. I want me, I want to be happy and i need to be atable. Why don't you start living your own life and back the fuck off about mine. I don't want children, and I certainly won't be doing that because you want a grand kid, I HATE children. I don't want to date, I want to really get to know me, I want to learn more about who I am and what I want. My desire to emotionally be with anyone is zero.

So, before you tell me that I shouldn't be depressed and making me justify I'm on meds, why don't you ask yourself the same fucking question. Pot, meet kettle.

You, know, this is why I can't stand talking to you, it's always a justification, you always made me feel bad about my emotions, and my compassion, well look at the effect it had.

I'm living my life the way I want to, bite me.


To the Most Beautiful Man,

I don't know where to begin. I still want you. I want to help you through this crisis. But you're pushing me away. We're both struggling with this bad feeling in our bones and the undeniable fact that things have changed so much. It's not easy like it used to be.

I know we can get through it if we both really want to. Couples have gotten through worse together. But "want to" is the clincher. I've decided that I'm committed to trying, and told you so, and that you have to feel the same way, and you said... nothing. Then later said you thought it was "a given." It's not. If you can't tell me or show me that you love me in a time of crisis when I'm TELLING YOU that's what I need to hear in order to keep living this way, trying to get through it... then what am I supposed to think? You should know I'm not secure enough (hell, is anyone?) to think it's a given that you still want me in spite of all of this uncertainty. I stand in the kitchen waiting for you to see me or touch me, and you just move around me.

We both need a change in our lives and I'm afraid of what that means. That's it, I'm scared. Ultimately, I can't be mad at you for not being satisfied with your life, for wanting more, for feeling distant from me and hazy within yourself and having an existential crisis. Everyone goes through that at some point, and if I'm going to be your partner for any number of years I need to be ready to help you through it (and you've been supportive of me in the past, without making it about you or us, and I love you for that). But when you push me away and show me no affection, say you have "difficulty expressing your emotions" (since when?)- that's when I begin to question everything, too. And if neither of us believes in us, where does that leave us?

I hope to see you and feel you in my arms on the other side of this...


Dear M,

Thanks for being the best friend ever ever ever. For hearing the upset in my voice and not believing me when I said I was okay and picking me up and deciding where we were going and listening and understanding and making me laugh and bringing me back home again. Thanks.

Baby Girl,

I'm sitting here cheering you on - you're still going strong in there. Things are stable for now. So you just keep growing and kicking and flailing around and I'll keep taking the pills and taking it easy and eating well. We love you okay? If you need to come early, just start the process. We'll cope. We just need you to be safe.



You infuriate me sometimes, but when I need you, you come. Thank you for staying with me. Thank you for offering to be with me during labour (as freaky as you find it). Thank you for just being a normal sane person i can talk to who doesn't devolve into squeeing almost beyond the human register simply because i'm having a baaaaaaayyyyyyyybbeeeeeeeeeee giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!


Marital Unit,

Thank you. I love you.



You're all fucking awesome. thank you.

I might actually send this.

Dear R ,

I am writing this in letter form because I can’t seem to get you to want to talk to me rationally and to be honest, I am quite sick of being put down every time I try and talk to you. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I am at a really difficult time in my life right now and all I need is support and I am getting nothing but harshness. I have been sick on a daily basis. I have no idea what is causing it but I can’t even get up and walk around without getting nauseous and dizzy, but I still have dinner waiting for you when you come home, whether or not I feel like eating myself. I spend my mornings soaking up what little attention you will give me while you are still in bed, because it seems that is the only time I can get you to as much as brush my hand with yours. I spend my day first being disappointed that you acted so angry at me before you left. Then I proceed to check my email and do job searches online. I usually break it up by taking care of the dog, cleaning the house, making things to sell and cooking. Then I usually walk around or make phone calls about jobs sometimes emails, but I have given up on that. I have done this every weekday since you have let me back into our house. I have been talking to everyone I know trying to find something. I don’t even spend any time online when you aren’t home, because I know you will sit right down at your computer when you get home and that’s the closest I can get to spending any sort of time with you. Then you come home, ignore me while I try to talk to you, make you feel better, cook you dinner or tell you that dinner is waiting for you. You then promptly put your headphones on and blast music so you can’t hear me anymore so I give up and lay down because by then I feel like I am about to vomit.

I know we see things very differently sometimes. I spent over a year watching you sit home all day play video games and get drunk. Some days you wouldn’t even talk to me after I spent a long day at work and just wanted to chill out with my favorite person in this world… you. I tried really hard during that time to treat you with the respect you deserve even when you weren’t contributing anything to our lives. Do you know why? Because I love you and I care about you and I want to be able to take care of you when you are depressed, can’t find a job, burnt out. That is what being in a relationship is about. Loving each other no matter what. Picking up each other’s slack when they need it. Knowing that it will pass and everything is going to be alright because we love and support each other. At least that is what it was like when things were on the other end.

I’m sorry your job sucks. Believe me, I don’t want you working there just as much as you don’t want to be working there. Everyday I worry about you getting hurt, and wonder if you are going to come home or if I am going to get a call from the hospital, and I don’t think that’s overreacting. Your job is dangerous and I hate it. I hate that you found it and since have stopped searching for something that you can stand just even a little bit more. I would rather be homeless than you work there. But I support your decisions. Every single one you make. I have stood by you through everything because I want to. Because I love you and I know that nobody is perfect and people have down times. We both just happen to have them more than most it seems.

But you need to be a little more supportive of me as well. I hate being home. All I want to do is work. All I want to do is get out of this, but it isn‘t going easily. It makes it even harder that I am scared to talk to you now. It seems that no matter how hard I try I get put down. I understand why, but you need to try to understand where I am coming from as well. You have been in this same position and I supported you all along. I asked my mom for money to support us while all you wanted to do is buy beer and play video games with it. It was one of the hardest things that I have had to do but I wanted to make you happy because I love you.

I have never felt so quickly attached and loved somebody so fast as it happened with you. I never in my life wanted to get married and have a family. I always hated the fact that that shit was forced upon me. But being with you changes all that for me. I just want to live my life with you, I want to get married and have a family with you. I like everything that we have together and I want it to last. I am willing to do anything that it takes to have that with you and get there with you. I used to think that you felt the same way. I don’t even know how you feel anymore. You never talk to me. It kills me and makes me fucking mental not knowing what is going on with you. I know I am driving you crazy be being around you so much but you won’t fucking talk to me. I feel like I have to wait for a chance to say anything to you and hope that you respond back to me. It hurts. I just want you back. I love you more than anything.

I was planning on asking you to marry me on June 5th. I’m not going to anymore. I really wanted to, but I guess now isn’t the time. I’m miserable. I would be miserable with or without you it doesn’t matter. I just really wish you could be supportive of me like I am with you. I will give you the world if you just let me.

I love you.
dear facebook -

honestly, can you please move the goddamn 'highlight' of the tagged photos of R with his new girlfriend down the page - or better yet, OFF the page? I can deal, it just kinda sucks seeing them EVERY SINGLE TIME I go on facebook. Cycle those fuckers off my page, please.

thank you

((((Tankgirl))))It's a well written, insighful letter. I feel for you.

(((Zoya)))))That sucks.

Dear friends and family

Thank you for being there. I worked my way up in this world, and i find it very hard to ask for help. I never saw myself as that stubborn but i guess i am. Now that i'm living on my own in a city i wanted to live in forever, things just aren't always bright and easy. I'm not afraid of hard times, i'm not afraid of being alone, and now that hard times have come, i feel more joyous than ever. That's because i see you truly care, that you go out of your way to help me. And i really appreciate that. Thanks.

dear r

I'm not mad at you anymore. In some ways you don't deserve it and if you found out i was mad i know you would be very upset. I don't really know why you confuse me so much. But last week i saw wat you are; just a boy. Very young and insecure, trying to put up a front to hide that very fact. You are clueless, and you hurt people because of that. In my head i built you up to be much more than that, an equal counterpart. But now i see that what i thought was there, is not. You try to be as smart as i am, but you're not. You have a lot to learn.

I think it's great you have so many plans, that you are applying for a grant and all that.
Forgive me if i'm being cynical about that. I don't know you that well, but i see that you are unfocused and anything new and shiny catches your attention. When it's not new anymore you toss it away. You do the same with girls. You are afraid to look in the mirror and see yourself for what you really are, you know you have to, some day. These girls you date do seem to know what they want. You can't keep on attaching them to you and then walk out when things get too hard.
You have seen hard times, i know that. At the same time your entitlement and your brattiness irks everyone. You can't go around tattle on people, it will bite you in the ass. You probably don't know it yet, but i know all kinds of stuff you said about my friend, about your ex. This makes you untrustworthy, and now i see why i pulled back from you every time we slept with eachother. It was my gut tellig me to get out. I have known this from the very beginning.
I hope you grow up. I hope that one day you know yourself, be confident for real instead of relying on your looks, and smooth talk.
For now we are friends, sort of. Be careful, though. No more shitty behaviour. If you pull tricks i'm gone. And stop being competitive with me. My friendship is an honor, and if you can't recognize that, you're not worthy. I have way too much class to have been your gf if!

see you around

have you seen a doctor about your vertigo/nausea? i don't want to be too nosy but i have occasional inner ear problems. there was an interesting story on npr, (hear here) and i'm hoping that it might be the problem you are having since it is treatable.

below is some additional info i found thru a little searching. best of luck, tg, we're rooting for you. oh, and you can see a slideshare of 'epley' here.
Hello -
Have you heard of inner-ear crystals? I heard on NPR that they are, in-part, responsible for your sense of balance.

Apparently, they can kind of fall out of place, when you jar your head really hard. The great news is that it is correctable. Can someone in your PT department give my head a good shake and try to get them in their proper place again?

What a great question. Yes, these "crystals" can be partially responsible for balance. One of our Physical Therapists who specializes in this area answers your question as follows:

What you are describing is something that is commonly known as positional vertigo or BPPV (benign paroxysmal positional vertigo). This can occur after a fall, blow to the head or head injury.

The inner ear is responsible for measuring and reporting the position and movement of the head to the brain with the goal of keeping one balanced at all times. In the inner ear are "canals" as well as a variety of other structures. There are "rocks" or "crystals" that are really microscopic calcium carbonate crystals that are attached to hair cells to make them more sensitive to gravity. At times, these crystals make come, or be knocked, loose allowing them to move around in areas of the inner ear (i.e. the canals) where they don't belong. This creates a situation that causes that section of the inner ear to suddenly become more easily irritated/stimulated. This often results in a sense of vertigo,or spinning, when the head is moved in certain directions or place in certain positions. A common complaint is one of feeling a rapid sense of spinning when getting in or out of bed, looking up at top shelfs, or rolling in bed. Some people don't actually feel a spinning but do complain of being off balance and dizzy with these same movements.

The good news to all of this is that there is a fairly quick fix for this problem. Eighty to eighty-five percent of people with this problem are successfully treated with a repositioning maneuver also known as an "Epley" maneuver that can physically move the crystals back into the section of the inner ear in which they belong resulting in a fairly rapid improvement in all of the symptoms of dizziness with improvement in balance as well.

That being said, not all dizziness, vertigo or balance problems are caused by the crystals. Often, people who have had head injuries may injure the inner ear itself or the sections of the brain that receive and integrate the balance signals. So, it is important that you be evaluated by a specialist who can identify the cause(s) of any balance problems or dizziness that you may be experiencing. Once the cause is identified, the treatment can be rapidly initiated!!
Dear friends,

When you told us last night that you are house hunting, I was very surprised. It seems so sudden! But considering the tax incentives this year, I don't blame you for considering it. However, the more you spoke and the more we learned about the homes you're considering, the more worried I became.

I think you're over extending yourselves. I think you're looking at homes that are FAR too expensive for you two. S, you are about to enter grad school. You've told us that you will not work while you attend school. Therefore, you'll be bringing in no money whatsoever. K will be the sole breadwinner. I don't know exactly how much he makes, but I know it's less than Sheff. Therefore, it scares me to think of the two of you spending SO much money on a house. Can you really afford the payments? ALL of the payments? Remember that the basic mortgage payment is just the beginning. You'll be paying for home owner's insurance, PMI (since you can't put down 20%) and the home owner's association dues. Plus your regular bills - power especially - will be higher in a big new house. And you'll need to buy things like a lawn mower and a washer and drier and you'll have to pay for the moving van and on and on and on.

I'm afraid that all you've done is go to one of those on-line mortgage calculators & decided to blindly follow its advice. Those things are SEVERELY flawed. I went to one of those calculators today and it said that we could afford a house that costs 50% more than our home. Fifty percent!!! And the monthly payments would be 50% higher, too. That's insane! Could we afford those payments? Well, on paper we can, but then we'd barely be able to afford to do anything else with our lives. We certainly wouldn't be able to afford to pay debts or put money into savings or pay for emergency expenses (and when you own a home, those will definitely come up). Sheff and I are lucky because, unlike you, we don't have other debts. You two, on the other hand, have 2 news cars, student loans, and even more school-related debt to come. I cannot see any way you two can possibly afford these homes on K's salary alone, even if he brings his lunch to work with him every day. I'm worried that if you convince the banks to let you do this (based on the 2 incomes you currently have), that you'll be digging yourselves into a hole that will completely ruin you financially-speaking.

I'm also confused about how this will work since you two are not married. This isn't me being old-fashioned. I just don't know how you two will do your taxes and get the full financial benefit from home ownership. But you two are far from the only unmarried couple to buy a house together, so I'm sure there's a precedent. I just hope you do your research and make sure you're both protected.

Maybe I'm being too nosy or protective. I don't know. I just want you to be careful. I want you to be financially responsible so that you can be happier.

Much love (and concern),
Dear Self,

Do not let anyone make you feel guilty about refusing to work late last Friday. "Anyone" includes YOU. Hello, Ms. Recovering Workaholic: remember what happened to you last time?? Ugh.


Dear Soulman,

Last night you joked about the invasion of the kids making us appreciate "our sanctuary".....but honestly, YOU are my sanctuary. Truly.


Dear Universe,

I had a wonderful weekend!

Dear A,
Honey, I'm stunned at you. Why didn't you use protection? You were on the pill! Did you just stop taking it? I hope you realize the enormity of this. Your life will change drastically, unless you decide to look into other options. You've really tied yourself down with this guy, you know. I thought you had higher standards...
But if you love him, and if you're happy, I'm glad for you. My head is still spinning, though.

Dear O,
Fat lot of good those religious horror stories did, eh?

I feel like a relic.
Dear AZ Guy,

Well fuck you too.

I might have a chance at getting a job in my field, I tell you about it and your reply is to whine about how that will ruin your plans to visit? You know I'm not happy here and I've been looking for what, nine months now, so can't you just say you'll be happy and not make it about you? Jesus, next time I won't even tell you if something positive happens in my life because you can't seem to handle it.

Dear Powers that Be,

Why, oh, why did you remove Reefer Boy from our crew? We were ALREADY shorthanded and backed up. Now you remove 1/3 of our shop?

On the other hand, thank you for your faith in me...I'll do my best to stay on top of it all.
Dear Dad's Heart,

Just keep going, ok? Just keep doing what you've been doing for the past 60 years, until we can get the tests done and see how to go about fixing you. Just hang in there, and we'll get it sorted out.


Dear self,

Stop worrying until you know what it is you're worrying about.

missed your birthday today honestly bc I was so busy, and will, only to appease the mr, send you a generic & totally unsincere belated e card tomorrow.
so wish you'd kick it already.
your see's you for what a scum-sucking cheap ass rip off your own wife bastard that you are d-i-l
Dear You,

I miss you so much. I can't even describe it. I'm even having dreams about you. I'm always wondering what you're doing. I'm worried about how you're thinking, what you may be telling yourself about us. I know we can get through this if you'd just give us a chance. I have cried almost everyday. I just don't want to be apart from you. And if you love me too then there's no reason why we can't be together. I wish I could send this to you but I am committed to not contacting you. I love you so much and I know that you still love me. Please just come back to me. I know deep down that you don't want to throw away what we have so don't. I can handle anything you throw at me and I want to be there for you. I love you so much.

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