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*breaks into wild applause for zoya and catlady*

dear president obama:

pull your head out of your ass.

if you are going to chide cheney about his war on terror, stop blocking an investigation in to what went on during the bush admin. you talk a lot about what america stands for, but when the rubber hits the road, you're a chicken shit. and cheney wasn't just talking about your policies, he was giving you the finger, telling you to stick it, figuring you haven't the stones to pursue what we all know are prosecutable war crimes. so do me a favor: grow a pair.

while i'm at it, (cos you could use a pair in this affair too) the financial system needs to be taken apart, not wall papered over. you've got the fox guarding the hen house. don't buy this horse shit about the people who got us into this mess being the only people who can get us out. maria cantwell, my congress person, who is familiar with these things says that's ridiculous. of course wall street rallied today. they were relieved that you weren't going to seriously regulate them. so we are gonna be right back here about the time we get the deficit under control. we have spent the last 50+ years with the pendulum held to the right, the rich are grounding the poor into the ground. it used to be that one person could support a family thanks to unions, and regulations-- often of the wages of ceo's and company bosses. now two people and 6 jobs are what it takes. we have slowly slipped into what is fast approaching a parchman farm. in doing nothing, you are selling our souls to the company store. i know you like to be a moderate, and you are averse to doing anything radical, but we need radical. we need that pendulum needs to swing hard to the left, in favor of the workers, the people first. you rode into office on a promise of change, but you are doing nothing but maintaining the status quo. not only have you sold us out, but you are selling the hope and dreams and optimism of those kids who believed in you.

knock it off. now.

you work for us, not them. the last thing we need is another political hack.


I'm sure you don't know this, but I'm taking care of my mother's business accounts while she's out of the country. That's why I saw the e-mail you wrote to her. I know Mom wanted me to complete all correspondence for her, but in your case, I think it would be best for everyone if I just ignore you & your e-mail.

I know all that shit happened over 20 years ago, but I don't care. You are an ASSHOLE. A flaming, puss-filled boil on the ass of humanity. You ruined our lives. RUINED. All of these years later, there are still wounds that have never healed. And every time you try to worm your way back in, you just spew your manipulative poison all over everything. I tried to forgive you once - give you the benefit of the doubt & believe that you'd grown into a better human being. But the moment Mom left the room, your manner completely changed. You've always had a Jeckll & Hyde issue.

And you know what? Mom is starting to see it, too. That's why she doesn't call back like she used to do. That's why she's not willing to bail you out the way she used to do. She realized that you only call when you want something. She learned that all you do is take and maim & you NEVER give back. Now you're married to a woman who is just as bad as you are - and her family is even worse. Did you know that the one time my parents went up to visit you, her family ran out on their restaurant bill AND their hotel bill, leaving my parents to pay for EVERYTHING? That's hundreds of dollars my parents will never see again. And yet, YOU'VE taken them for much more than that over the years. For god's sakes, she's a nurse & he's a police officer. How the hell did you ever convince yourself that these people are rich & can afford to cover your pathetic ass?!

I used to hate you because of what you did to me. Now I hate you because of what you did to my parents. I bet you don't realize that you nearly ruined their MARRIAGE. You are a master of lies. Guilt. Manipulation. And you haven't changed. You are evil. You are poison. I wish you would crawl off & leave my family alone forever. Fucking asshole.

PS: There's a little thing now called punctuation. Learn to use it. While you're at it, learn to use capitalization. And just so you know, it's spelled "a lot", not "allot". Good god, you're a fucking idiot. Here's hoping you never reproduce so this world won't be infected by more people who can carry on your legacy of stupidity and selfishness.
Dear universe: I know I've had it easy up until now, but, what the fuck? What's the next thing that will get thrown at me? I can only put out so many fires at once. Can't someone else (you know who I mean) start taking on a little more responsibilty please? Really.
Dear Universe,

Is this a fucking joke? really? Did I do something in a past life to piss you off royally? I know I've done some shitty things in this life and I've paid for that shit, I've atoned for those sins. But WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN THROWING AT ME LATELY????

You know what, fine, that's just fine. This better be fucking character building.


Dear job gods,
I need a break. Let this one be it.

And could you please throw something my friends' ways too? As well as any unemployed busties?


Dear road trip gods,
Yes, I am going to California. It's been a good trip so far, let's continue with that.


Dear self,
Calm down and get some sleep. I know afternoons and evenings are your best time, but they don't need to know that.

dear universe -

me three. Things aren't so bad, but god damn, could you help me just a little bit more. it feels like yeah, I have money coming in, but everything else is just fucked.

I'm ready for the upswing now.


thank you for the muse. she's awesome, but.....can this fever just break? i really want to do the paintings now. pleeeeeeeeeze? i've never been so frustrated (least that i can remember), i know i'm on to something, but i hate everything i do. c' know how long i've been waiting for this, can we just stop the sketching and fucking around and get to the good part? it would be good to have things warming up before i have to get a job, and i haven't got the time to paint, you know... just sayin'. oh, and thankyouthankyouthankyou.


Stop being an obsessive bitch and checking your email every five minutes to see if he's responded. You take your sweet time in responding so as not to appear overeager and needy. So STOP CHECKING THE ACCOUNT. He'll respond when he responds.


I never thought I'd feel this way. But I am tired of you. Or maybe I am tired of waiting to be your "number one". I know you have a "number one". I always thought that was fading away, or at least you led me to believe that.

Twelve years later and I am still your "number two".

I love you dearly, and I can't imagine you not being in my life,

but I can't/don't want to be anybody's "number two" anymore. I want to be somebody's number one.

I hope you understand.
mr: you knew I wasn't neat when you married me.
I said something close to a quote here " I'm not domestic & have no inclination in changing that."
you said " ok."
I thought we were square on it but damn man!
- would you prefer I took over the office up here to paint in? around all the electronics & all?
I need a fair sized space to arrange my paints & supplies on as I mix colors and yes it's a messy business but duh- you Bought me the paints, you've seen how {sloppy} I am when I've painted the interiour walls..seriously, it's kinda funny if you thought this might be anything different, lol.

painting is so therapeutic to me. it lets me let my inner art goddess out to run free and play.
you getting all anal about keeping everything neat is just drowning my chi seriously dude & reminding me of the box you once had me backed into.
one way or another, that stick is So coming out of your ass sooner or later

call me k? i'll get off line.

so sorry, but good for you.
wanna move to pixsburg and take dance classes?

don't take no guff, freck! (although you should cover the carpet...)
yay for messy painters!

Dear J,

I knew this was a mistake. I did. But as it was with you & me for a very long time, I thought to myself, "What harm could there be in it? She can't really hurt me, can she?" Yet, in one sentence you did. AGAIN.

My dad is dead. You KNOW that. YOU KNOW THAT! So WHY would you ask how he's doing?! I mean, the last contact we had was you leaving a message of condolence on my answering machine. I never returned your call. I know you are a fucked up narcissist, but come on! This just confirms the fact that you're really a piece of shit as far as people go.

I let you go because I finally got tired of all the bullshit. "That's just wild-eyed, crazy J" wasn't acceptable any longer. The alcohol, the drugs, the promiscuity, the paranoia, the violence, the drama, etc, etc, all finally took it's toll. I was smart & got out early. M wasn't & she paid for it.

So you're married & have a kid now. You done found Jebus, good for you. You're still a fucking psychotic mess & I expect that you always will be. I'm going to take care of this tomorrow & pretend it never happened, I hope you'll understand.


Dear N,
I am sorry that y ou are having a hard time I really am. I will do what I can when I can. But the shit that y ou get pissed about is really fuckin stupid. A sock, a 10 minute car ride. I am down for you but will also not be manipulated by y ou. You will get your shit together and have to face the consequences of your choices. R doesn't have to play nice with G. I don't expect him to. IF that is the shit you wanna bitch about y ou can but I don't expect him to be buddy buddy with that asshole. I am down for Fi. I hope you get it together. I really really do.
ap: I had a friend like that once too & finally cut her from my life.
she lives about 2 hrs from where I am now, but I continually ignore her friend requests on crackbook & pray she never wakes up & stumbles on a people locator or I know she'll be knocking at my door.
you're so much better off.
solidarity sister,

gt: I believe I've come to view painting akin to cooking (only I like it much much better as I'm such a picky eater) w/ my Grandmother's philosophy " the bigger the mess, the better the results. "
my Grandmother was a Saint. you both would have gotten such a kick out of each other; she had a heart bigger than this world.
the only reason the mr wants me to "neaten up" is bc the dining room (which is lovely I admit, bc I decorated it) is right off the foyer when you 1st come in. I see it as anyone new entering might be like " cool. an art studio" whereas the mr firmly believes they'd only see the mess.
such is the linear differnce between he & I.
you do know who will win this one don't you ? wink.gif
ox0x, freckle
ps: the floors are laminate, not carpet, everything scrubs out!
dear #14:
you rock.
I wanted to do the silent auction bid for your jersey tonight but $250** is just too much for me so don't take it personally eh?
oh, and next game make sure you do your hair better please, your 'hawk was a bit flat tonight & made you look not as fierce.
sign me
the middle age woman in sec 205 who cheers for you wildly every time you step out on the ice cool.gif

God: thanks for delievering that victory to us tonight.
the coming from behind to a swift over time win was just a classic touch.
keep it rolling please.
a fan of of you both

mr: I like you sooo much better when you're not an ass.
please make a note of that.
Dear friends here in my hometown-

you all rule. seriously. this is the hardest it's been so far to leave after visiting for awhile. The fact that I've been here nearly a month has just made me feel even more ensconced here and closer to all of you. Having you guys say to me "come home" has been so heart wrenching. I love where I live, but I love here just as much. They're my two favourite places in the world, for a lot of the same reasons. Maybe I do need to grow up and come home.

Why can't I be two places at once?

Dear C -

I'm kicking myself for giving you the out when you said you'd talk to me before I leave - why the hell did I say "well if by any chance we don't talk, lets keep in touch..." etc Then again, if you were into talking to me, it wouldn't matter - you'd at least shoot me a text. So ok, I get it. You're just not that into me, as they say.

Yes, I know there was a shift and you're not into me that way, but I have to just tell you it's been cool to meet you. I think you're really cool and I do sincerely hope we get in touch and keep in touch. I enjoy chatting with you. It's easy and flows. You're brutally intelligent and kinda geeky goofy, and your exterior belies the fact that you like the music that you like and go the places you go. I think that's cool. Yeah, I slept with you, but it's face value. I don't expect anything further in that direction because of it, and had no ulterior motives for going there. It was just fun and nice with a guy that I find fun and nice. You don't know me well, but if you did, you'd know that I have a couple close guy friends with whom it started out the same way, and it's morphed into a couple of great friendships, over time. You're the kind of guy I'd like that with. Don't trip out and assume I'm gonna be freak out girl, or want something more cause I'm not and I can see it won't go that way and I'm fine with that.

Clearly you like me well enough, and I have no doubt that you see exactly how cool I am. I also know what kind of place you're in personally right now, and that you just don't even want to go there - hell, can't go there. So it's not even a question of that. Fair enough. I didn't have any illusions and don't feel gypped or anything. However, I will just say this: I'm offering you my friendship and I hope you can possibly see beyond your dick and take me up on it. The ball is pretty much in your court. Don't be a puss.


Dear Universe -

what was this whole trip about? seriously.

wheever you are, I wish you well. can't believe you are 50 now.
so much to say but won't;
time passes.
dear gt:

you do know you are squandering another opportunity, don't you? when will you learn your lesson? *sigh*


when will you learn your lesson? keep your nose on your face, dumbass. think of the scene in chinatown.


ps:tongue bitten, mouth closed, head down too, while you are at it. but you can keep your eyes open, k? atleast that way you won't step in any more cowpies, you schmuck.
Thank you for not covering my feet in blisters today. It was great to enjoy all the pluses of being on the ice again without any of the negatives. Keep this up & maybe I'll take you out of the closet more often.

Dear Madam X:

Here I am, last day of March, finally opening the bottle of spirits I was supposed to bring to your house Thanksgiving weekend. What the hell happened, girl? I thought we would have gotten together by now. I know you're one of those friends where we can let years pass without hanging out and then as soon as we see each other, it's as if we last talked a few days ago. That is all cool, but your absence is totally ridiculous. I miss you. You are too crazy fun a good friend to let go of. Look at that -- I will even end sentences with prepositions for you, you old English major bitch.

LYLASA (remember that?),
your old friend rg with a really low tolerance for alcohol
dear bosses-
please, for the love of maude, hurry up and hire our new temp or back-up. i know we have someone out on extended leave, and people are still going to have to take sick days or want vacation, but i'm tired of being the go-to girl whenever you have a scheduling snafu. granted, i get a certain smug feeling when i think of how screwed this entire department would be if i wasn't willing to step in and totally rearrange my life to others' convenience and sometimes pure laziness, and you do acknowledge that when it's been a particularly rough week like the last couple have been. but i don't want a fucking gold star or a pat on the head or another "thanks c, you really saved our asses, again!". i want to be able to sleep through the night without a frantic phone call asking me to cover for someone else. i want my daughter to be able to spend more than one or two nights in a row at home. i want to come in and leave at the same time every day. i want to not have to pound rock stars down like water and still go through the night in zombie mode because once again, and no one else can/will step up. really, you need to get someone quick, because i'm about burned out, and i can't, and shouldn't have to, keep up this pace and these disruptions to my life.

-sick of being your obi wan

okay, you have issues. i get that, i really do. and i can see how the divorce and your dad's abominable behavior toward your mom, and your jealousy over c-monkey taking up some small bit of your mom's and sister's attention would make you a bit edgy. your dad's insistence that you don't need your meds, that your mom and her parents are out to harm you (they're not, they're the nicest people and way more patient with your foolishness than i would ever be) and his constant poisoning of your and your sister's relationship with your mom is one of the most disgusting and disturbing things i've ever seen a parent do to a child. but these temper tantrums, these fits of rage and violence, i've had way more than enough of them. the next time i hear you thrashing across the hallway, yelling and hitting and punching and kicking and throwing things at your sister, your mom, or especially c-monkey, i'm calling the cops on you. no second chances, no passing go and collecting $200, straight to juvie. i know what it's like. i was the angry, bitter child who only knew violence and screaming as the way to react to my own jealousy and perceived inequality. i had my mom call the cops on me a couple of times during my wild and angsty teen years. i was never hauled away, and it didn't really sink in the first or second time, but it wasn't fun, and it was only several years later that i realized the rightness of her doing so. but i can't wait for you to grow out of it and realize how much you're hurting the people around you, not when you're putting my child's well-being in danger, or when your sister comes crying across the hallway to hide out here because it's the only place she feels safe when you're slamming around the house and beating up on your mom again. i don't want to come back from some short errand i ran on without c-monkey because your mom insisted she stay "so the girls can play" and find out that you've seriously injured or killed my daughter. yeah, i'm that worried about you. you need help neighborboy, and if your mom's too soft-hearted and your dad too hard-headed to get it for you, i'll be more than happy to get you locked up so the state will, just give me the excuse. but really, i hope you won't.

-c-monkey's mom, still bigger and scarier than you

You are one of the reasons why my screen name is KONPHUSION.

I feel absolutely foolish trying to revive a friendship that's been damaged beyond repair. If I had known the consequences for falling in love with my best friend all those yrs ago and taking the steps we took - i would have run like Usain Bolt in the other direction. My heart aches when I hear your name. I get a knot in my stomach when I see your pictures or you leave me messages on FB. My husband gets his gonads in a bunch when I talk about you. This is still obviously a toxic relationship/friendship. We are no good to each other, not even as friends. And I apologize for even trying again!

Please, if this is how things are going to be - you holding the past over my head &you deciding when and how long we speak, then f**k this, I want no parts of it. You're draining me and you don't even know it. The most f**ked up part about it is, I'm allowing it to happen because I miss you, I love you, and I can't get your crazy azz outta my system.

plz go away. You make me feel like a trainwreck.

Dear CoffeeBoy,

You just "joked" that I was looking old.


My crush on you, which has been waning for some time now, is officially dead.

Thanks for making me feel good about myself, "friend."

Bite me,

Dear you,

Fuck you.

ok, lady universe, god/dess:

i put something out there earlier today-- that i'm ready for a little stability work wise, that i'm ready to grow up... and it looks like you might have come up with an idea that is better than i was thinking of. so i'm gonna be more specific-- i'm ready. i want a job for atleast 5-10 years having something to do with film. i want to get back on the film festival circuit. i want to earn my living as a programmer. pleeeeeeeze?

i swear, i won't screw it up this time. i promise. i'd love it if it lead to a programming position for a good number of festivals, with lots of travel and movie watching....and you won't hear any complaint from me.

please? it would be so nice to be happy with my job, to be good at it, to stop searching for the job i was meant for..... i'm tired of trying every job only to be disheartened when i realize i'm no good at it. this is what i'm good at: watching movies, talking about them persuasively, and occasionally writing about them. i'd be a brilliant programmer or something similar. i see the crack in the door, take me the rest of the way, ok?

i'm putting it out there, universe. it's what i want, and i'm ready. it's the happy ending i've always wanted.

thank you in advance,

GT, you would be an excellent festival (or art cinema)programmer! My fingers will be crossed for you.
Dear Universe,

You win. There you go. I've done some bad shit in my life, yes, I am aware of that, but can you please lighten up? Have I not atoned for these sins already? I know when I pulled these stunts I was in a bad place, bad relationship made me do bad things, well it was a contributing factor.

Please lighten up. What I would like is a change of work, the other stuff can wait.

Dear Universe,

Oh, you and your silly life lessons. Yes, patience is a virture. I'm learning that the hard way. Fucking life lessons. Fucking patience. dry.gif I realize when I am anxious, uncertain, and feeling out of control that I can take it out on others around me. I don't want to be that way with others. I see family members act that way and they are assholes. I'm already an asshole with some of the things that come out of my mouth. But, I don't want to be a MAJOR ASSHOLE. It is tough to break old patterns that are so ingrained in me by my upbringing. I get in this element and it is toxic for me. I've realized that these past years have been to teach me what is happiness. Truth is, I'm so used to making others happy for most of my life that I have no clue how to be happy myself. So, every time, I see other people place their happiness or make it dependent on others, I'm reminded of what I need to do for myself. It is the reason why I'm not dating this year. I'm trying to change my karma and move things in a different direction. It is what I've been working on for myself since I was 18. I feel like I need to take that risk and make those changes for myself. Those people who are not supporters have already been shaken out of the system.

While I've questioned you, I've realized that as I get off the floor and start walking again, I've had alot of good things and good people come into my life. That's worth more than any currency. So, even while it pisses the fuck out of me to see what happens next, I know good things are coming into my life. When I stand back and reflect on my life, only then, can I see how good things are for me.


PS Make sure you help CH and GT! OH, and also good friend who is getting her results for a cancer screening today.

Dear Aunt Flo,

Oh, you are crueler than liquor with the release of emotions I go through every time you time to visit is near.


((((((CH and GT)))))))
Dear DM,
Keep your jack-ass, judgmental opinions to yourself. Just because I don't want to piss in a cup for some stupid lab exercise doesn't mean that I'm "not a real biology major" (as opposed to what? an imaginary one?). Doesn't make me a "weenie", either. And don't think for a second that you'll ever manipulate me into doing something I'm not comfortable with.
And if I find out that you maligned me after I left lab, so help me, I'll completely unload on you. You have the distinction of being a university professor, and of course you're entitled to your opinions (no matter how retarded), but if you knock me when I'm not around, that distinction is GONE and I'll come down on you just as I would any jackass on the street.
Grow up. Realize that not everyone is as crass as you are. Not everyone likes to play around with piss.
There's a reason why the human animal has an aversion to wastes, Mr. Biology Nazi.
Dear T,

I want to grab you by the shoulders & shake you like a ragdoll! WHY ARE YOU GIVING THAT LOSER SO MUCH POWER IN YOUR LIFE?

Look, I know you had a "relationship" for ten years before your acrimonious break-up. BUT HE WAS MARRIED THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME & YOU KNEW IT. Make any excuses you like, but you always knew that he wasn't gonna leave his wife & that you were settling for "meaningful" scraps.

So you broke up ugly. And you loosely "avoided" him for seven months.

Last week when he was DRUNK he texted you telling you he loved you, blahblahblah & could he get a ride. DUH! Him texting you was him being a drunk, horny opportunist. He put out the bait; he might get laid & a ride home or he might get the business. Either way, he was getting under your skin & getting attention. For him it didn't matter if it was good or bad, attention was attention. (And you bite every single fucking time!) He told you he was "happy". Which you heard as "happy without you". You immediately attacked his manhood, so he called you a fattyboombalatty, blahblahblahblahblah. It devolved into a passive-aggressive hatefest because you knew each other's hot buttons. It was who could hurt who more.

Today, a week later, you ran into him at the gas station & "felt sick & wanted to go throw up" even though you didn't speak to him. You saw "smugness" in his face. DUH! YOU LET HIM WIN WITH THE TEXTS! Of course he was smug! Now you're all twisted & angry & shit. You're champing at the bit over something YOU LET happen. YOU gave him POWER.

So now he's hot & buff. He has a really nice new house. A dope ass truck, a Harley, & his wife is rolling in a nice ride as well. They are doing well. And you are comparing your lives because he's doing well on the *visible* surface & your life is *TEH* suck on the whole. You can say you depend on "karma" all you like, but schadenfreude isn't pretty on anybody, sweetheart, & your bitterness isn't warranted. Life isn't fair & never has been. Trust he will get his in time.

You keep offering up the "buts" in this situation. THERE ARE NO BUTS. OWN YOUR SHIT! There is NO redemption in this. You've fallen for every trick in the book. YOU GAVE HIM POWER HE DIDN'T DESERVE BY CHOICE. If you had continued to ignore him you'd have been fine. F-I-N-E. STICK WITH IT THIS TIME!

I don't want to have to ditch your ass, but I will if this continues. I don't have time for this.

I wrote this over the course of my morning here at work, in little bits. I needed to get the rage out. I wrote it with the intent of sending it. I don't know what the point would be, though.

Dear Trish,

Perry does not know I am writing this to you. I am certain you will want to tell him and heap abuse upon him for what I'm doing, and that's your choice I guess, but the truth is, this is between you and me now. I don't care if you tell him, however, as Perry and I are honest with each other, and communication is a cornerstone for us. That means I have zero fear of all the ways you think you can be divisive.

Since you're the one who's brought me into this, going way back to your querelous inquiries about who I am and how dare Perry have friends, I need to let you know exactly who and what you are dealing with, because you clearly have no idea.

1) Your behaviour towards me. Unacceptable. On any level, for any reason. I don't give a rat's ass who you are, who's mother you are, or who's ex-spouse you are - I will NOT tolerate abusive language, shouting, bullying behaviour, and/or threats made towards me. If you push me, I will push back, and you will not like it. At all.

2) My "relationship" with Perry. Whatever relationship I have with him, whether we are friends, bandmates, co-workers, lovers, business partners, or sworn enemies is none of your fucking business. Ever. You have no rights, no say whatsoever in this situation.

3) My "relationship" with Jesse. You say you have a say, and you do. Here's how you have your say, according to the law: go to family court and make a complaint that says I am unfit to be around your son. See what the judge says. I dare you to even try to challenge my character in a court of law. Go on, I dare you. I'll bring popcorn to the courtroom. Until then, there's nothing you can do about the situation - you have no power and zero say over whether or not I spend time with Perry and/or at Perry's house.

4) Money and me. Not that it's any of your business, but how fucking DARE you accuse Perry of spending all, or indeed any of his money on me? How offensive can you be? I don't take a fucking cent from any man on this earth. I have a job, a good job. I earn my own money. Unlike you, I can be proud of earning my own income and paying my own way through life. Perhaps you can't imagine a woman being independent and not needing to sponge off a man, but it's true: some of us can do it. You should try it. And by the way, I contribute to the groceries in Perry's house, and your son eats the food that I pay for. He probably eats more food that I pay for, out of money that I've earned, than you have ever provided. Here's how it all works: Perry and I share our costs when we are together, like actual REAL partners in any endeavour might.

5) Money and Jesse. No parent is under any obligation to give a kid money for junk food when there is good food at home. There is plenty of food in the fridge. It's no one's fault but Jesse's if he does not want to take the time to cook it, or to be around at suppertime when meals are being prepared. And let's expand on this. When I was a kid, the rule in my home was this: if you refuse to go to school (and no parent or court in the land can force you once you hit 16), you have to pay room and board to live at home. This was the rule when my parents were kids, and it was the rule when my grandparents were kids. Maybe you expect to be supported all your life by other people, but that's not a healthy thing to teach your kid.

6) Making everything about Jesse. You and I both know your "concern" about Jesse is not really about Jesse at all. I don't see you contributing any child support whatsoever, which Perry could still legally go after you for. I don't see you chauffering him all around town like Perry does. You just evicted Jesse and all his things from his room at your house. He's been living with Perry for years anyway, but you didn't even want to provide him with a room in your house for when he needs one. You don't come into town to spend time with him - hello, there's a very good public transit system here in Kamloops. In the meantime, you use the excuse of Jesse to keep harassing Perry. You seem to enjoy abusing Perry. Insulting Perry. Belittling Perry. Bullying Perry. It's fucking offensive, sister. It's more than that, it's harassment. Which brings me to my final point....

7) The law. The harassment laws. Harassment is a crime. Abuse is against the law. I know what harassment and abuse look like. I worked with separating families and survivors of abuse for 11 years. That's what I did for a living. The way you treat Perry is abusive. The phone calls, the e-mails, the Facebook posts - that is called harassment. You pretend to know what the laws say, but I DO know what the laws say, and the law says your number is up. I am documenting everything. EVERYTHING. Every e-mail you send, every phone call you make (not to mention the sheer number of them), every voice mail message you leave (again, the sheer number is astounding, nevermind the content), every word you speak. I'm watching you. If you cannot keep a civil, RESPECTFUL tongue in your head when you make contact with Perry, then I will be encouraging him to get a no contact order, and I will help him through the process of obtaining one.

I urge you to sit down and have a long think about your behaviour. Examine yourself critically. Think about where your life has gone and where you might like it to go. And then let it go. Let it all go. Let Perry go. Honest to god, woman, let him go. It's been almost five years. It's way fucking past time.

With love,
Dear Universe,
Why NOW? Why not when I know I'm ready? I can't complain, really, but I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Guidance, please.

Dear Universe,

Why? I just cannot do this anymore. I am scared, I am tired, I am just so FED UP!!! THROW ME A BONE!!! PLEASE!

dear culture -

I feel you.



Dear CH,

It will come. Keep your faith alive.

Meanwhile, when ya finally coming out to visit me??

Much Love,

Dear Busties Everywhere,

Not only did I let him read the letter I wrote below, finally revealing my "safe" space of the Lounge......he also gave me permission to send it. Maybe with a few less digs, although he never said directly that I should take them out. wink.gif

Hee hee hee hee hee!!!!

Ugh, this is going to be a long one.

Dear Work,

Do you know what you are doing to me? Do you know how mentally exhausted I am? I struggle with being very depressed at work to having some good days. I hae anxiety at work because of how much I loathe by job. It has nothing to do with with clients, it has everything to do with the work. This work isn't for me. I am tired of getting shit on by so many, I am tired of people going to the media and us looking like a bunch of fucking idiots because no one, and I do mean no one, EVER steps up for us. People always seem to think they can always do a better job than we are.

Then, being passed over for permanent, being passed over for someone with less time, thank you so much. I appreciate it. I am still term, I stillw wonder if I'll have a job in three months, or however long my term is. What with those other people being given permanent, sure doesn't do a lot for my morale. Why, I feel worse than I normally do.

This job is soul crushing, it is sucking the life out of me. I am a shell of my former self. I am isolating myself, and I am not putting in the effort with work or my personal relationships. No one except people who work here know what it's like. Sure, you're giving me job interviews, but it doesn't do anything if I can't get the position.

And with my supervisor being away, and the other person I report to being away. I HAVE NO ONE TO GO TO. Not a soul. I can't hold out for much longer. I am on the verge of tears every day. I am moody, I am impossible, I feel invisible and worthless to this organization. I feel inadequate. I don't talk to very many people about this because the metanility is at least you have a job. Well, then, you want to feel this way? SIGN UP!

I need an out. Please


Dear You,

Well, here we are again. Sort of. It's wierd. I'm confused. Last summer I was head over heels in love with you, so much it hurt becaus I couldn't have you. So I got over it. I guess. I honestly don't know what the hell is going on.

You're my best friend, and I love you very much. But, here is where the confusion comes in. I get bored of men, quickly. I even go through cycles with my friends, I always need to back off and recoup, gather my bearings and so forth. Thing is, I'm not bored of you. We talk every day, hang out pretty frequently, and I'm not bored.

Further, I can be pretty self involved (hell, when you do what I do, how can you not be? you give give give all the time at work, your second home, you tend to take as much me time as you need), but I would do anything for you. I would drop what I am doing if you needed anything. Bend over backwards, take every cliche and apply it. It's all true. This is what worries and confuses me. I have never felt like this for anyone, except my parents, but that's understood. I have close friends, yes, but if I hang out with them too much, well I need to back off for a while. Plus with the mental stuff I'm going through, I don't want to deal with them. You are one of the few people I can tolerate being around.

So because of this, I don't know what to think. Having never been here before, I don't even know what the hell this is. Is it feelings? Is this just such an amazing friendship, that it works? Is this what a true friendship is? I don't want to say it's romantic love, I just don't know. You have slowly moved into the spot of being the most important person in my life. Something with us works, something comforting, something amazing. A bond. I don't put the work I put into our friendship into a relationship.

but I'm still afraid to tell you all of this. I'd rather tell you about the extensive testing I went through two weeks ago than this. I am afriad I'll loose you, I'm afraid that when you are ready to date that whoever she is, isn't going to like me.

The thougth of being involved with you is appealing, but because I don't know what the hell is going on, right now, probably not the best time for any sort of relationship.

You are always there for me, always. Literally come hell or high water you are here for me. Thank you.


Dear Busties,

You are so amazing and wonderful. We are always here to love and support each other. I find it really wonderful.


Dear Doodle,

I could come out for a weekend, how about we see how this summer goes with work? If my terms gets extended beyond July, I could come in Septemberish?! I'm also planning a trip to Chitown, so I'll figure out work, then figure out my trips.

I'd love to come out for a visit. Very much.


(((CH))) and (((zoya))) and (((humanist))) and everyone else going through a hard time. I want things to turn around for all of you and have fingers crossed that they do asap.

Dear body,

I am trying to be good to you and keep you free from stress (finally) but I know you are exhausted. Please be well for our trip 'kay? I promise less stress in the future... for both of us.

Love, me

Dear accountant,

Thank you! One less thing to worry about!


dear ch...

if you visit doodle without visiting me, i'll be so pissed!

i don't think i could be mad for too long, but still!!!

first steps. i've put my money down. give me a little, and i'll do more. i see what you are saying, putting people in my world to tell me your secrets, to point me in the right direction, kick my but when needed, it's good, but you know me, i have so little faith. not that i want more. but that means you have to come thru for me. you have to return what little faith i have before i will do more. i'm not trying to be a jerk, i just really need to know i'm on the right path. i've got no cruise control, no auto pilot. so you have to keep showing me, but if you do.... you know how passionate i am about these things, i will come on like gang busters.
so please? give me a little, k? let's get me someplace better...

QUOTE(rudderlesschild @ Apr 9 2009, 02:09 AM) *
(((ch, gt, zoya, humanist)))

Dear universe -

There's a lot of hope in this thread, and a lot riding on your whims. Think of all the positive energy that could be released into this world if each one of us had just one less thing to worry about.

You get back what you put in, and that's non-negotiable, even for you. Give us just a bit of water and we will bloom for you.

We are good investments.

- rudderless

so beautifull written rudder !

((((((((((((busties who dare to live their lives to the fullest))))))))))) you all take my breath away w/ heart & soul & courage every-single-day.


It's got to get better than this horrid internship. For fuck sakes, I'm 32. Dragon lady left. I thought it would be less toxic. When I told the director that my dog got hit by a car over the weekend, she looked at me like I was full of shit. Please let these other jobs go through. Also, please let my other busties bloom and be successful. We're great people.


It was your 36 birthday yesterday. I could have called, I could have sent a card. I just flash back to that day when I ran into you at my office bathroom a few years ago. Fate had put us in the same office building. "Out of all the bathrooms in all the world, you had to walk into mine?" You are my sister. I told you Dave had abused me and I left, and our aunt had lost her battle with lung cancer. You walked away not a tear. Not a hug. I got more sympathy from your receptionist who was a complete stranger. You're a cold person, and I have sent out the olive branch so much it's dead. I can't control what happened at your fucked up wedding. I can't not think about you on this day. It hurts you were/are my older sister. I have to wonder if you think about me with your new family on holidays. You're epileptic and you deny it. Please don't have children on the med you're on. You probably don't realize it causes birth defects. Yet, you probably would never believe me.

Jason seemed emotionally abusively. Why people end up together I'll never know. You seemed to never be my sister, and always hated me. I just hope you have a good life. I never expected us to be close, but have always wondered why you cut me off. Was it due to the epilepsy? I reminded you too much of it? Did you think I was closer to mom and dad? You picked a new family-- and spoke more about them than us. You choose them. It came down to that. We always loved you.

I'm rid of horrible people. I have a man that loves me, and a great support system of friends. I'm becoming a grant writer and freelance editor. I'm considering moving out west to Oregon. I have a zoo of animals- a new German Shepherd puppy, a Beagle, and two cats. Mom and Dad are still crazy, and the only time I could count on you is to tell me that "Don't call Dad. He's a shit mood." I have to deal with their moods alone; It's hard. I've become their only daughter, and Mcgeek an replacement son. We're not engaged yet but that's a whole different story.

I'm a peace with you being a bitch now, and never loving me. I've given too much energy in my life to being mad at you anymore.



Sorry for hogging the thread. I really needed to get that out of my system.

That is awesome, rudder! Yay for two beeps! smile.gif


Congratulations to Rudderless and two beeps!!! That is wonderful news!
my 'puter blowed up before i could post: yay for 2beeps!!!!

ok, lady universe/god/dess. i took not just one, but two steps. i thank you for the little affirmation i got back, now i'm waiting for my return. seriously. i have learned my lesson. i won't repeat that mistake, and i am serious, i'm a different person now. just give me the chance.


stop fucking on my window sill. NOW. get a room like everyone else!
congrats rudder!

sassy, no need to apologize!

Dear S,
I realized that I don't like you as a person. You are manipulative and a bitch. but I will still try to be there for you on my terms.
lady universe or god/dess:

wow. humble pie for the first course. ok. put up or shut up time, eh? alright. in for a penny....

Dear GT,

We are pigeons. We have no jobs/no credit, so we can't rent a room. Besides, we like your window sill; it's where we had our first date. Good times.

And just so you know, *YOU'RE* the pervert for watching/listening to us, you dirty little voyeur.

the Pigeons.

If it's any consolation, I can hear the pigeons fucking in the eaves of the house across the way. It doesn't sound fun at all. I'm glad they no longer roost at my house.

oh, so you being unable to get a job is my problem? get outta heah, ya lazy muthas! you suck. go take a shower, you're dirty and you stink, ya f'in hump. just cos it's there doesn't mean you can shit all over it and call it home, ya cheap (flying) rat bastids. go nest like someone with class. like i need a pair of loud, obnoxious, disease carryin' squatters. what do i look like, an AIG employee? yeah i'm a perv, but my kink ain't pigeon porn. i don't wanna listen you hollering and screechin'.

...and for fucksake, stop picking at my air conditioner. if i have to throw that thing out cos you broke it, believe me, i'ma be on the internets searching for pigeon potpie recipes. if you think i'm playing, you just keep running your little beak, snack cake.

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