Mar 10 2009, 02:05 PM
Dear mother fuckin' cold ass weather here.
Do you think you could stop? Really. Come the fuck on. It's been cold here for MONTHS. Not a cold spell, all of fucking winter has been cold. Since it snowed here, it's been fucking cold and let me tell you it's getting tiresome. It's too fucking cold to do anything. ANYTHING.
So warm the fuck up all ready!
Dear Powers that be at HR,
Can I please get this position. Please? I looks really great and I really, really would like to do something different. PLEASE!!! I've done my time in this position. I really have.
Mar 10 2009, 08:07 PM
This letter is pretty hard for me. I've often felt androgynous most of my life. I grew uncomfortable with my own femininity in the form of my body since I was an early developer. I was a tomboy. I ran and played with the boys. I realized my limitation in the sense of testosterone when I was 13 and I tried to box one of my childhood male friends. He had a hard swing and did that glove hurt me. I wanted the same freedom that men had to be themselves. As I got older, I dressed in a way that hid my body because I could not identify with women. I did not relate to some of the women around me as a teen.
In my 20s, I began to grow comfortable with my body and felt free to experiment with my style of dress. I began to test what being feminine meant for me. As I left my 20s, I realized I could create my own version of what it means to be female for me. Yet, I still feel alien with women and align myself with men. I realize my own problem is connecting being a "woman" to traditional roles, such as wife and mother. Those 2 words are quite frightening to me. The role of wife and mother feel like a noose that will kill my freedom, kill my dreams, kill me.
I feel like I've let you down because I do not share the same desire to be married. I think I finally feel comfortable with having a child. Yet, I do not know if I want marriage or being a wife for myself. My earliest memories involve thinking of my career, what I wanted to do for myself. I remember at the age of 9 some of my girlfriends talking about the colors they wanted at their wedding. I had no clue what colors I wanted for myself and the notion of a wedding seemed so foreign to me, but I knew I wanted to excel in my career of choice. I knew I wanted to do something that had me standout from the pack. I wish I had those dreams of wanting to be rescued by a man. Instead, I have dreams of being a leader and on my own.
This feeling of failure as a woman is quite new for me. I knew when I was 25 that I did not care about getting married or having kids. But, as I grow older and more people ask me about settling down, dating, or getting married/having kids, I know it is the furtherest thing from my mind. I don't think in that way and I never had. I feel like my friends that are married or in a committed relationship judge me negatively for the choices I've made for myself. I just wish I can have a ceremony and register for gifts about how awesome I am and not have it be attached to being a wife or mother. I would like a celebration for just me.
Mar 10 2009, 09:52 PM
[ I just wish I can have a ceremony and register for gifts about how awesome I am and not have it be attached to being a wife or mother. I would like a celebration for just me.
I totally agree--We all need a celebration like that.
Standing ovation to you stargazer.
Mar 10 2009, 10:35 PM
As I read your letter, all I could think is what a huge SUCCESS you are as a woman. Marriage does not make you a woman. Neither does motherhood. They're just two of the many choices that are available to you. Maybe some people think that being a wife and mother is the pure definition of womanhood, but that's just because that was the ONLY option women had for eons. Certain members of society are hung up on those old ideas, but the world is changing and the old definitions are changing with it.
To be honest, I envy you for always being so focused on education & career. I have not usually been that way & I feel I've lost a lot of myself as a result. I love my husband, of course, and I am happy I married him. But when I look back on my life, I see a number of times when I put relationships above my own needs. I can't help but wonder how my life would have been different if I'd simply followed my own goals & refused to be influenced by my relationships.
Keep following your instincts. Listen to your heart. You're on the right track.
Just one member of your cheer section,
Mar 10 2009, 11:19 PM
I am *thisclose* to starting a Target registration just for you & your self love. I know it's all SaTC cheesy, but I am *thisclose* to doing it! i want to buy you one of those bacon in the microwave things even if you don't eat meat anymore!
One of the reasons I sought you out as a Bustie is because I think we're a lot alike. Yes, you are more polished, more edumacated, more dedicated, & more judicious than me, but we're still a lot alike. We blaze our own trails & fuck everybody else. To thine own self be true. Don't let anybody make you feel bad for not towing the line or not doing anything that feels inauthentic to you. You're one of those people that one day I hope will lend me money!
I just want you to know how much you amaze me. You've accomplished so much! I know you've hit a roadblock with the BIGD, but you'll get past it, I promise. And if it tries to argue with you, I promise to verbally abuse the BIGD until it submits.
Three cheers for Star! HUZZAH HUZZAH HUZZAH!
A to the muthafuckin' P
Mar 11 2009, 12:43 AM
Dear AP -
Does this mean if I register that pair of Prada shoes for myself, you'll buy 'em for me, a la Carrie Bradshaw stylee..?
Dear Stargazer -
Fuck em all. Live your life and do what's in front of you. Who gives a crap about social constructs? Let serendipity be the operative word in your life. I may not always be the happiest girl in the world, but overall I can't complain about letting it be the operative word in mine. And besides, I get to pick up and go wherever I want to go, whenever I want to.
... and anyone who doesn't get it can just fuck off.
(it would however, be nice if serendipity included an S.O. who ticked off the boxes on my mental checklist and also actually wanted to stick around. but I digress....)
Mar 11 2009, 01:16 AM
Your post made me think of this Alternative Valentines day celebration that is held every year in the Bay Area in honor of committing to and loving yourself. Here's the just of it:
"There's perhaps no one better to give some hands-on love advice than a woman who's been happily married to herself for more than 12 years. Poet, activist, and lover extraordinaire Aya de León has made it her mission to lead the revolution of self-love. In 1996 the self-proclaimed spiritual diva got sick of waiting for her mythical boo to show up at her doorstep, so she turned to the only person guaranteed to stick around for life: herself. She walked herself down the aisle in her dream wedding on the beach and took her honeymoon at her favorite amusement park. What began as a cute critique of institutionalized love grew into an intensely personal challenge to conquer the insecurities she had been waiting for someone else to mask. Of course, anyone well versed in the conventional idea of marriage has to wonder: does she cheat on herself? De León's marriage is firmly grounded in eternal love — not to be confused with sex — and seeing the self as whole. Still madly in love with herself, she brings a crew of divas including Adrienne Marie Brown and Robyn Brooks to the stage for a night of spoken word and music to celebrate love in all of its unsung glory."
Yup. Every year people get dressed up in wedding gowns or tuxedos or gender neutral gear and marry themselves. I think its pretty awesome.
I have no fantasy about getting married either, never have. And androgyny is fun, more people should try it sometime.
Keep doing what fills you up and brings you joy.
go to sleep. put vix on your eye lids if you have to, just do it.
Mar 11 2009, 01:53 AM
dear body -
please stop farting. Honestly. Where the HELL did all this gas come from?
Alternatively, fart as much as you possibly can if it will get it all out before I hang out tomorrow with my guy friend I haven't seen for nearly a year. As amusing as I find farts, I don't exactly think he's one to bust out a few with and have a laugh at them.
thank you in advance.
Mar 11 2009, 01:58 AM
yeah, star, you may not know it, but i think a lot of us think you're pretty amazing, and well we count double for all of those people telling you their bullshit. personally i look up and admire you. you're the shit.
Mar 11 2009, 03:01 AM
It depends upon the shoe & the season & the size, Zoy, if you want Prada. I could be convinced if you really needed them! Send me a note from your orthopedist!
I'm planning on feeding us mad food at B&W next week, so you gotta choose between that & shoes!
Mar 11 2009, 05:58 AM
I love the strength behind your letter. You rock, chica. I don't want to get married either, and people think I'm strange for it.
Mar 11 2009, 06:35 AM
Syb, aka 'delicate flower'
I absolutely identify with your final two paragraphs. I feel I am engaged despite myself: I love my mister but I have never sought to be engaged or married. People talk to me in all seriousness about chocolate fountains and I 100% cannot relate.
Remember anyone who feels 'let down' by you exploring different choices cannot get beyond their own insecurities and narrow vision of this world. As I move through my 30s I find some of the smartest, most interesting women I have known becoming smaller and narrower by 'settling down' to the mortgage/kids/marriage triumvirate. Nothing wrong with these things in themselves, but allowing yourself to be drawn into settling into a groove set by convention too often signals a surrender of conscious choice, and IMO life is way too short for that.
And keep on keeping on with the diss! Roadblocks are part of the process; put the head down and work through it, because I know you are beyond capable.
Your sister in thesis hell,
Mar 11 2009, 07:24 AM
ironically I have always felt like a fradulent sell out for getting married and having a kid.
don't get me wrong, frecklette is The' BOMB & daily I am so thankful for the miracle of getting to share & shape her life, and the mr is a great guy too, but..
when I was younger, when everyone else was playing House (including the boys I grew up w/ on my block), even though I was always the Only Girl, I never-ever played the Mother role. I swear to pete I was always
"the neighbor lady visiting." that's what felt right & natural to me, even as a wee small girl.
then as a virginal teenager, heavily under the influence of smuggled contraband Cosmo magazines.. I decided I 'didn't want to get married but wanted to make a lot of money & Use Men as they've historically Used Women.' I wanted POWER ( & $$$) to be my own best self.
which sounded great at the time, except that I never got far enough into the idea to flesh out just HOW I was going to make all that money and so... eventually after drifiting around some, here I am.
and despite the plethora of wonderful things I am thankful for and knowing I am right where I was meant to be & liking myself (bc hey- what's not to like
I still feel I have let myself down a LOT. it's one of the things my therapist & I are working on.. defining who I am under my Own terms w/out judegment from others, but yet
- who might I have been had I taken and really focused & directed that Fire I had whe I was younger ?
star, you are an inspriation to me and so many others.
be proud of respecting and knowing yourself enough to persue the life that is honest for YOU and NO APOLOGIES.
with much much love,
Mar 11 2009, 11:04 AM
Gosh, I think I feel a group hug coming on here.
Thanks Syb, AP, Zoya, Treehugger, Rose, Neurotic Nelly, GT, and Freckle!
That letter was hard for me to write because I didn't want to offend anybody with my own internal insecurities (Hello my name is Stargazer, I am a people pleaser). I remember CrazyOldCatLady joking with me that the Letters thread serves a cathartic experience sometimes. I also reminded myself that what I wrote might help someone else lurking in here. So off the letter went.
QUOTE(sybarite @ Mar 11 2009, 06:35 AM)
As I move through my 30s I find some of the smartest, most interesting women I have known becoming smaller and narrower by 'settling down' to the mortgage/kids/marriage triumvirate. Nothing wrong with these things in themselves, but allowing yourself to be drawn into settling into a groove set by convention too often signals a surrender of conscious choice, and IMO life is way too short for that.
Gosh, Syb, my sentiments exactly. I've seen women who are finishing their doctorates with me and know they will not use their degrees because their husband makes enough money to support them and pay off their school loans. I know the attainment of the degree was more of status reasons than employment reasons. It just disappoints me. I think how I feel about myself as a woman is reflective of society's struggle to understand what the meaning of a successful woman should "look" like, if that makes sense. Is she the cold hearted bitch as the media exemplifies with Hiliary, Oprah, or Martha? Is she beautiful, but not competent, like Sarah Palin? I think society has trouble integrating the whole intelligence and beautiful woman with the value of a woman's work (not to quote Kate Bush), albeit at home or at work. I guess the value and contribution of women to society in general.
Yeah, sorry for the further derailment. It is just funny. I never felt this way in my 20s when I made the decision to put off marriage and babies. It just has a different feeling for me right now at 33; hence, my letter.
And I realize I want to find my own mythical boo! (Thanks Nelly! That line cracked me up!) Seriously, it is working on my own insecurities waiting for someone else to mask, but we know, as trite as the saying goes, you can only make yourself happy.
**dashes off to finish Results section of dissertation**
Mar 11 2009, 01:28 PM
star, please, don't apologize for the derailment-- that's one of the things i've always loved about the lounge is that someone strikes a chord, and asks a question, and that sets off all of these other confessions/feelings/conversations about what our own personal feminism looks like. we all have enough room for people who don't share that, but i think on some level that is what brings us to this site-- that open question of what does it mean to be a woman right now? what does that mean to me? how do i feel i've failed, or that feminist ideas have failed me? what do i want for myself and my life. these are not just important questions, but when put like your letter-- beautiful, stirring, honest soul searching questions that make each of us look inward, and talk outwardly, and struggle toward something that makes sense. yeah i love the joking, silliness, the fun, sarcasm and snarkiness of the lounge, but those deeper questions, the responses they elicit-- that is what always captures my heart, makes me admire busties sooooooooo fucking much.
so don't apologize. you've done us all a wonderful favor-- we can be honest with each other, here, now, and share. that is a beautiful, beautiful rare gift.
Mar 11 2009, 02:28 PM
dear star -
I don't think that sarah palin is that cute. I kinda don't get it when people say that. Not that it matters a good god damn, but I just thought I'd come out and say it. She actually looks like one of my Jr High teachers who was one of the most terrifying women I've ever met. anyway, that was a complete, caffeine-fueled non-sequitor.
However, I do think that it's hot when a chick shoots a gun, but only if she wears a miniskirt with motorcycle boots while she's doing it.
ZOY - "had way too much coffee this morning" - A
Mar 11 2009, 03:56 PM
Yay Stargazer! I hope you don't feel as alone in your decisions as your letter made you seem. I also never cared a flying rat's ass about a wedding, or children, or any of those things. I always wanted to play soccer with the boys, I never understood what exactly the point of playing house was (I mean, we all already lived in homes with families, why would we make up more of the same? I preferred to pretend to be an adventurer on the arctic tundra). To this day, I would rather wear steel-toed boots and drive around on dirt roads than go shoe shopping or go to baby showers, or whatever it is women are supposedly doing these days. I am lucky to have some friends who feel the same way.
I am so happy I read your letter, though, because it reminds me of how hard we have to fight to keep ourselves separate from that idea of women as supporters and lovers and mothers before they are anything else. I think I have been slowly getting sucked into it for the last few years of my life, after meeting the one I never thought I would meet, and then meeting in his family so many beautiful, strong wonderful women who do define themselves in traditional ways. I would never look down on their accomplishments and the strong, secure families and children they have cultivated. Now, though, I have two families that want to see us with children, and I sure don't want that at 25.. and I can't see wanting it by 35, either. The fact that all his friends and cousins had babies in the last 2 years doesn't help the situation. Thanks for giving me the reminder to keep on track and work on those grad school applications!
And for what it's worth: If Sarah Palin was intelligent, I think she would be one foxy mama. But the way she is, she's just kind of sad and weird.
I feel most like a woman when I am doing fieldwork, kicking the butts of the guys on the crew, and looking hot while doing it! Oh, I miss the summer!
Mar 11 2009, 06:10 PM
go ahead with your badself. You r a total badass.
Mar 12 2009, 01:32 AM
I really wish we could just finally clear the air & be done with it. But I don't think it can ever be clear without it opening up a whole other can of wicked worms. It's obvious that the feelings are still there & still strong. On both sides.
I came close tonight. I did. But at the last minute, I chickened out. It wouldn't be fair to you at this juncture. I just want to be there for you, I do. I want to support you & your family.
I noticed that you didn't mention your late night phone call last week. I didn't answer the phone because I was feeling vulnerable & you wouldn't have called that late without extenuating circumstances. I didn't think it was a good idea.
Fuck. I don't know what to do, what to say; neither do you. So we stick to safe stuff, but even then the other stuff comes up.
I love you & I always will & I'd drop everything if you needed me.
You fucking asshole.
Mar 12 2009, 07:09 AM
Because AP said it better then I could:
Fuck. I don't know what to do, what to say; neither do you. So we stick to safe stuff, but even then the other stuff comes up.
I love you & I always will & I'd drop everything if you needed me.
You fucking asshole.
Mar 13 2009, 06:35 AM
This isn't a dress rehearsal: it's the real deal. Stop playing at it, stop playing games and drawing attention to yourself. I know it is in your nature to be a drama queen but at best you come across as bratty and at worse as insidious and manipulative. You are not sweet, far from it, so stop already with that guise and show your true colours. In all honesty you are not going to lose anything by doing so because you don't have friends anyway, just sycophants. You want it that way: people who aren't close enough to pierce through the duplicitous facade and see the real you underneath, writhing in self-doubt, insecurity and self-obsession. It's not all about you and real people (as opposed to deluded fans) expect more; they are not there to fawn over you and respond to your self-serving ways. True fans will condemn you for the poor choices you've made throughout your career because they see that they were misguided; for you to throw a diva-like hissy fit because they dare criticise shows that you don't care what they think, that it's all about you and, lady, you are in the wrong business if you think that people are going to agree with every choice you make. Oh, and using others for your own publicity is crass.
I stopped playing a long time ago; I am not part of the cast of your little soap opera. I really wish it was off air as it makes me retch every time I watch it.
Perhaps I give you too much credit and you actually are just warped and completely oblivious.
-not a fan
Mar 13 2009, 08:03 AM
I'm thirding what AP said.
I know you are in a space right now, but what you said last night really hurt me. Even this morning I'm more hurt by it. I know this isn't personal, but I am taking it as such. I don't know if I'll tell you, I don't even want to talk to you at this point.
Mar 13 2009, 05:49 PM
Dear Ha Shem,
I have to thank you for everything.
I am thankful for my health.
I am thankful for having a husband who loves me unconditionally, who is supportive of my career and goals and who continues to challenge me to be better, stronger and faster.
I am thankful for having a job that I love .
I am thankful for the chance to make a positive impact on peoples lives.
I am thankful for all the gifts I have been given.
I am thankful for all of the gifts that I have earned.
I am thankful for my home.
I am thankful for my family.
Please help me to make the most of these opportunities that have been presented to me.
Please help me to be a better wife, sister and daughter.
Please help me to be mindful of all the love that surrounds me.
I am thankful for you.
Mar 16 2009, 09:35 AM
Dear bank bureaucrats,
You are the modern day highway robbers (and definitely not of the Robin Hood variety).
No wonder people are reverting to hiding their money under the mattress.
If I hadn't stupidly brought my situation to your attention by asking for some help this month with my loan payment then you wouldn't have kindly restricted my account for the next twelve months, even though I expressly instructed you not to. That's a great help, thanks; way to make it more difficult for me. How dare you? I have maintained my accounts without going overdrawn, paid my bills on time and controlled the little finances I do have.
It is partially your fault that I am in this dire situation: if you hadn't created an economic recession then I would be able to find a job and pay you all the fucking money I owe you.
I am looking forward to the day when I don't need anybody to help me.
A very disgruntled and disgusted customer
Mar 18 2009, 10:07 PM
I have had it up to fucking HERE with Men Who Explain Things.
I've hit my quota for this week, really. That includes you, husband who called me "obsessive" for buying antimicrobial gloves and bed linens, because you assumed that I'm lesion-free because I did the decolonization process at the end of Jan and you've convinced yourself that the decol and the move fixed the bacteria just like that, you asshole, because you want to believe that your mom must be free of her infection because she did the decol at the beginning of Feb and you want her to use our utility room as her art studio (as we discussed when we bought the place in Aug, before I knew that what she and I had was staph), and even though I fucking told you during our previous arguments that the dermatologist SAID "the decol is not guaranteed to work", you kept insisting that "If she does the decol, then we should consider her cured, no need to wait an interval to see if her boils come back."
I hope now that I've pointed out to you that on me, the lesions came back the 1st time after 3 weeks and this time, 2 more (much much smaller, thank God) have popped up 6 weeks after the decol, you've just been fucking in denial and completely irrational re your mom as a potential source of re-infection. But I'll probably have to point that out to you during our next argument about this. Yeah I know she had a mini-stroke last year and you want to make her life nice and "nice" to you includes not even hinting anything to her that I might be concerned about getting re-infected from her being in our house even just in that one room, because she might die any time.
Well, you know, putting her health ahead of mine is not what was in your wedding vows, Man Who Explains That Antimicrobial Textiles Are Useless And Therefore I'm Being Obsessive. Now that I've pointed out to you "If reducing bacterial counts on surfaces is useless, then why did the derm tell me to wash clothes after one wearing, in hot water, and wash my bed linens and towels in bleach?" I hope we won't have to have another variation on this argument. yet again, I mean.
And by the way, your reluctance to say ANYthing that could be construed as negative to her means, you know, that I'm the one who's going to have to ask her to de-flea-egg her frames and canvases and easels and everything the cats have been rubbing against, whenever we've finally unpacked the boxes so the studio's clear for her to move her art stuff in. WTF. If I ever have a son, which btw the chances of have dropped to near-zero as far as I'm concerned since I'm damned if I'm going to have a kid with someone who has demonstrated that he's capable of not putting my health first, I'd make sure that if I were a source of negativity on this scale (yeah, she means well, she's the sweetest person in the world, AND she doesn't think it's a big deal if houseguests get fleabitten and chronic difficult-to-get-rid-of-boils), any son of mine would feel comfortable telling me to get my act the fuck together.
God. I'd better get myself to the Committed thread next week to vent.
My beloved Busties - I hope you wash your hands
Mar 18 2009, 10:14 PM
shit, some of that reads like I'm a callous bitch. Of course I want her remaining time to be nice, AND if she's still getting boils I don't want her in our house except for short visits (like, no moving her stuff into the "studio", no sleeping overnight in the guest room).
Aside from the medical ramifications of having or getting re-colonized with this,
I would like to wear nice clothes again (can't afford to dryclean every single thing after one wearing, and can't wash them in cold water).
I would like to have a hope of wearing the bikini again (once the scars fade, however many years that takes) that I finally worked up the nerve to buy last summer for the first time in my life.
I would like to be able to trust again that my life partner will put my health and safety first, without me having to fucking make a case to PERSUADE him.
I'm thinking more and more that I should have listened to my misgivings and never married you.
Mar 19 2009, 01:15 AM
i know it's cold comfort, but comfrey salve is good with minimizing scars, and hydrogen peroxide helps discoloration fade. apply via cotton ball to the area in the morning and before bed. it takes a while, but it works like a charm.
hopefully you'll be in your bikini again soon with a hubby that's right in the head.
Mar 19 2009, 06:13 AM
(((anarch))) chronic boils and scars and misery justify being a callous bitch (which I didn't think you were being!) You moved out and shouldn't have to put up with this crap anymore.
Mar 19 2009, 11:46 AM
dear universe -
Mar 19 2009, 12:22 PM
I refuse to have passive-aggressive people in my life anymore; I'm cutting them all loose along with people who don't appreciate me and don't make enough effort. I can be brutal because it saves hurt in the long run and all the craziness that ensues from reading into every little thing that you say; it drives me mad, I think it's me, and I can't live like that. It could be my problem but I think that you come off as inconsiderate and caustic because you are. I will cut you free as much as I can, it won't be the easiest thing to do but there's an ocean dividing us so it won't be that hard socially.
Be careful you don't push enough that it becomes an issue between you and him. He loves me and at the end of the day that comes first, over anything else. Laying the guilt trip on him doesn't work, which proves that I know him better than you: he experiences no guilt because he doesn't care.
I'm warning you not to piss me off over the next week and a half. I am going home to see people that I love and that is quickly becoming a term that doesn't include you.
Mar 19 2009, 01:42 PM
thanks for hanging out yesturday. i missed you. i know things have been loopy, and our friendship has always been a weird one, but your friendship means a lot to me, and i think you know that now. you looked like you were getting weepy last night which is so unlike you... heh. maybe my friendship means something to you too.
ok, now that that's out of the way,
WTF?!? really? B having a child? what in the world is his gf thinking? ugh. so glad you lost that f'ing lump of boyfriend.... what an ass. well, if there is a sign-up sheet for 18 years of hell, she's just signed up. so glad that's not you.
Mar 19 2009, 05:04 PM
I know I'm a little late in saying this, but you're an inspiration to me. I just want to give you a huge hug!
Go on with your bad self!!
Dear potential client,
FUCK!! I emailed you and told you that I would be a little late due to public transportation. You had my cell phone number. I called you 8 times!! Your phone is disconnected. You run a non-profit, and the office phone is disconnected?? I took off work for this, and it was money that I would have been earning. Look, I'm unemployed. If they tell me to answer the phones and going to pay me, I'll do it.
You can get your own grant bitch.
I'm worried about career. I thought grant writing would be great, but so far the two clients I've had have been shits. I just don't handle rejection well. I'm so wanting to separate myself from Mcgeek, and not have him be the only bread winner. I'm missing wanting to spend money on a cute dress, and having to ask if it will fit in the budget. I'm concerned he won't be able to take my independence. Maybe it's time to think about different careers again.
Look I love you, but I'm just fucking pissed at you right now. I know you're taking the GRE, but that's not the only thing in the world right now. I know grad school is important to you, but Portland is calling me. Our relationship is so weird right now. Everyone keeps asking if I'm ever getting the engagement ring (being it's in this house somewhere), but what's up with the cold feet?? I don't want to pressure you, but I'm so wanting to get coffee with P. And, you know what Eddie Izzard says about coffee and sex.... Lust is a weird thing. I need you to flirt with me again. I'm afraid of doing something bad.
Mar 19 2009, 06:34 PM
That was an awesome letter you wrote on the 10th. I don't want kids and I can't imagine myself as someone's wife and I can totally relate to your sentiments.
Mar 20 2009, 10:48 AM
Dear C -
I suspect maybe the reason you didn't respond to my text is that you kinda see no point in hanging out, since I don't live here and am just spending a limited amount of time. And perhaps me extending my time here by a few days freaked you out - though it had not a thing to do with you (although getting to see you again would be a nice bonus) At any rate, it was really awesome to meet you. I had an absolutely great time spending time with you. You were a nice distraction for my heart, and surprisingly, someone I'd actually date if the logistics were there. I wish we'd traded facebook info like we said we were going to do, I completely forgot to do that - also I just figured I'd at least speak with you again. Maybe you were just someone who bounced through my world for a minute - I hope not, it would be cool to at least keep on each other's radar.
Mar 21 2009, 10:24 AM
We need to stop rewriting to-do lists each day and we need to make our work areas firmly separate. This constant overlapping is inefficient and verges on silly.
Also? You need to get out of my face. I like you as a person, but you need to stop hovering. I am a grown, capable woman, I do not need your presence over my shoulder for the love of little green apples. Your stress infects me which pisses me right off as well as interfering with what I get done. I appreciate you are a control freak--I am too, about things that matter to me--but the office will not run well if you keep trying to micromanage everything, including what I'm doing.
You need to understand I am not invested in this job, except to get decent work done and then get the hell out. Nor should I be; I'm not paid enough. Let me get the hell on with things. We are overextended, end of.
Please, please, please let me get a job or research gig. Not to cut me a break, but because I have worked hard so that I can fill a post like those I've applied for and do the job well. I have energy and drive along with ability; let me get a chance to harness that.
I love you but I am going truly crazy here. I wish you would be okay with me teaching somewhere like Vietnam or Singapore. It would be an adventure and I could work: what life is about, surely?
I am very afraid of becoming bitter; I know you know that but please try to understand. I know this time is hard for you too but honestly sometimes I feel I'm drowning in someone else's life.
Mar 22 2009, 11:23 AM
Please, please please offer me the position. I am so sick of the field. I am sick of the floating, I want to get into something else. This job is making me so tired. I am just so tired of it.
Mar 22 2009, 01:31 PM
I thought after last year that this year would have to be an improvement. WTF? I don't need anymore shitty things happening to me this year. Some change or good news would be nice about now. Please.
Mar 23 2009, 07:08 AM
rudderless: they were celebrating the death of the officers?
I cannot even begin to understand that.
am selfishly glad your Two Beeps is safe also.
Mar 23 2009, 09:10 AM
(((rudder))) i wondered if Two Beeps and you knew any of the fallen cops.
2009 does suck indeed.
Mar 23 2009, 10:12 AM
Dear Candian Real Estate Board and Banks,
WTF? All your stats are wrong and don't even match within one report. Now even you assholes are predicting a massive crash in prices, but it is still a "good time to buy?"
And Alberta government, Why is there no regulation and honest information to help out the very people who voted for you? Do you have any idea how many poor working-class people's lives you've ruined, how many of my friends are in massive debt for houses that are going to be worth nothing? I don't believe in god or hell, but I know you backwards redneck hillbillies do, and right now I actually hope your hell is real. I am disgusted.
Mar 23 2009, 11:05 AM
I was thinking about you and two beeps when I read about this online.
Mar 23 2009, 12:19 PM
I am also selfishly glad that Two Beeps is safe & sound. My dad was a cop for 30 years. He was attacked & cut up in the line of duty, but never shot. I cannot even imagine what those families & surviving cops are going through right now. It's too horrific.
I understand your frustration. It's heartbreaking to see loved ones suffering from the housing crisis. Our homes are so personal to us. Not only is it our biggest financial investment, but it's the place where we feel the most comfortable & where we allow ourselves to be the most vulnerable. When something goes wrong there it hits especially hard.
If there's one thing I learned while house hunting, it's that housing trends vary a TON from market to market & even within one town. Prices can drop in one neighborhood, while increasing in another. That has happened in my town in North Carolina, so I wouldn't be surprised if it's true in parts of Canada, too. I think that's why those stats can be so confusing.
Mar 23 2009, 12:27 PM
Sit down, I have something to tell you...
I want another heartbeat to care for badly.
I know it is a huge financial commitment but I think the timing is right for us.
We will make great parents.
Please will you be father to my kittens?
I want little balls of fur to rear and have fun with.
Mar 23 2009, 12:48 PM
angie, I know it's true, here in Manitoba, as in Saskatchewan, housing prices are still going up. It is a good time to buy homes, stocks, invest money because everything is so inexpensive and interest rates are down, as with anything this is cyclical. So, by the time one buys a home and is ready to sell, prices should have rebound. Plus, people aren't going to be bidding 25-50 + over for a home, they are bidding under. It really is a buyers market right now. But, as with the uncertainty with maintaining employment, people just aren't buying.
Naturally, as well, that places where the economy is particualrly hard hit, is where people aren't buying homes (such as Southern Ontario and Alberta). whereas the Manitoba economy is one that is growing, slow and steady.
So, to further what RV said, it does all depend where it is.
Bunny, hee, I was reading your letter and thinking bunny wants a baby. oooooh Fur babies!
Mar 23 2009, 03:25 PM
Rudderless, I'm so with you on how infuritating it is. When people are victimized, who is there? the police. The police are out there helping CFS aprehend children so those children are safe, they are stopping drunks from getting in their vehicles and taking out others.
there are so many things the police do, but people spit on them. I get that some police officers out there are corrupt, but no worse than the execs at AIG, or any other person. It doesn't matter who or what you are, corruption can happen not matter what.
My thoughts are with you and two beeps and the officers and their families.
Mar 23 2009, 04:43 PM
(((more hugs for rudder & Two Beeps)))
Mar 23 2009, 05:44 PM
((rudder & 2 beeps)) I don't know much about these exact events, but this all sounds so sad. I come from a city that has a some problems with the ethical managment of it's police force, but I would never, ever rejoice in the death of a policeman. Rejoicing in death should be against everything those protestors pretend to stand for. That is sad. Thanks everyone for writing about this and opening my mind & eyes. I will pass this on next time someone has something negative to say about our police force.
rose - the worst is some friends who had twins a year ago and couldn't stay in their apartment. They could only afford a tiny house at insane payments that they can barely afford while trying to keep their girls fed. They are always so stressed and can't even afford babysitting. Also I have a few friends now (as well as myself) who have lost their jobs because of the economic "downturn."
culture - maybe if Sask and manitoba are lucky, they can avoid the massive crash that is looming over alberta right now. It is starting to get scary. And so annoying because you could see it coming the whole time, but no one did a thing to stop it, everyone wanted to try to hop on the gravy train instead. It just blows my mind that they encouraged the inflationary prices and insane construction rates, rather than trying to even it out. And now I don't know whether I am insane to even think of buying at this point in time, or if I am being greedy and unreasonable for wanting to wait and see how low the prices might get... Prices are still almost double what they were in 2005. *frustration*
Mar 23 2009, 09:45 PM
dear, oh hell, i dunno. universe?
it's late(ish) and i am tired, but i wanted to let you know that i know what you're doing, universe, you fucking Nun of the galactic catholic school. you're rapping me on the knuckles until i learn, and you're secretly pleased when i do, and disgusted when i don't. and i, i am eternally seeking your approval.
except... i know. i know that that wasn't real, wasn't truly real, that conversation i just had on the phone. his vagueness, his hedging? it's not real.
the attempt to get me to focus on my own situation, trying to bleed out my real feelings? i knew what was happening then, too. gutterally, instinctually, in the moment: he's posturing, and it was obvious as hell. he's not happy, and he doesn't want you to be, either.
and it's not just him, some gnat from my past. it's best friends for life turned sour, it's acquaintances with vendettas, it's old ladies with switchblades in their sleeves. who or what you throw at me is all the same, it's just a different costume.
i know what you're doing this time. passing me the Happy News from Persons Past, to try to get me to fall into destructive old patterns.
nah uh. you don't get that.
you know what else you don't get?
you don't get me going to bed, miserable multiplied, because i ate up your charade. miserable because i, yet again, compared his Falsehood to my Reality, when the two aren't equal, or even real.
you get me, going to bed, sleeping soundly with dreams of bliss, and a morning of sun and a sigh of relief. you get me cataloging this, and moving on. you get me giving you a warning: do NOT pull this shit again.
i think i'm starting to get it, now, in this brief moment of mind vomit--sorry Busties. i hope for continued clarity. and love. and support. for all of you.
Mar 24 2009, 12:33 AM
dear boys -
I AM going out next weekend, and I AM getting laid. And I'm going to do it with one of you that I'm not gonna see again, so if you're hot and there and into it (and being safe while you do it) and don't give a shit about seeing someone again (but why would you? you're a GUY) You're a candidate. So if you want to have some sex and have your mind blown, gravitate to where I am.
ps - also, don't go to that bar I was at last Saturday and was at most of last week. I'd love to meet you there, but there might be someone-there-that-I-could-have-gone-home-with-and-never-seen-again-but-instead-things-were-lined-up-that-we-hung-out-and-I-found-out-that-he-was-nice-and-cool-and-now-I-can't-sleep-with-him there. So find somewhere else to go, where I'll be, and we'll get it on. Thanks.
Mar 24 2009, 01:51 AM
ps - R, B, J, C, and etc -
you all fucking suck.
universe - you pretty much suck too.
fuck you all.