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there may be some sort of Victim's Advocate program near your friend, call Social Services (?) to see what they can tell you or connect you to. I was looking into volunteering with a program like that last year but they were much too disorganized & I felt the program was much too important to be mismanaged & it put me off.
what they do (or what the program here does anyway) is to physically be there w/ the victim during the physical exam (if requested), when they speak to the police (tho as I understand it the police here are notoriously dicks to them, like that woman detective<so WRONG>) and to just generally support them as needed, though for how long and to what extent of involvement I do not know.
I am so sorry that happened to your friend Crin, my heart aches for her doubly, bc to be re- victimized by the same people who are supposed to Serve & Protect us?
you are a good friend and I am sure this is tough and scary for you too.
((((((((((((Crinoline & Friend))))))))))))

stop fucking w/ my life !!!!!!!
bless the mr's sweet & good heart for seeing the stricken look of Terror on my face when I told him about the email from you wanting to stay w/ us.. bc he didn't miss a beat before suggesting we pay for your hotel, something we CANNOT AFFORD but compared to my sometimes tenuous grip on sanity & what you staying would do to that is more than worth the $$$.
why are you trying to ruin my birthday? call me childish but damnit !
fuck you!
YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

daughter in law
thank you freckle!
because of your suggestion, I went to the Women's crisis center and got the information for my friend to find a victim's advocate in her area. This had been pretty hard, so I'm glad to find a sympathetic resource to help her with the whole grueling process.
Dear Busties:

I deeply apologize for my absence for the past month or so. Elections make me insane, and I was so incredibly stressed out thinking about it. I can breathe again now. Anyway, the election stuff, coupled with the loss of my mother and also my BFF (she moved cross country) was so devastating and stressful to me I had to cocoon for a while.

I am back now.
Dear R -

please re-read letter from Oct 24. Well that's how I feel after Monday. Staying over was fine, but I should have just gotten up and left, instead of hanging out all day. It was fun to hang out, but I need to get it through my head that chances are I'm gonna see you again, and I can leave in the morning after we eat breakfast, instead of needing to cram in a whole day. I got the distinct feeling that by the time I left, it was probably overkill, (hell, I felt like it was too much for me!) and the fact I've not heard from you since is making me think I wasn't off base with that feeling. I'm learning to trust, and to build new, long term friendships. This involves throwing the whole getting to know a guy thing into the mix, and I slip back into my old shit now and then. I'm still trying to get the hang of not being in a rush - and well, just everything. The week prior to Monday was great. I let you do the work and you completely stepped up to the plate. I don't know why I couldn't just keep trusting that, but I suppose old habits die hard. I kinda took two steps back on Monday but I'm hoping that the extra step forward will still carry over and you're not backing off for good. I like you. I'd like to get to know more. I hope you feel the same way.

hoping you'll gimme a call,
((treehugger)) no need to apologize. We know.

((crinoline and friend))
crinoline, I am so glad my words were able to hopefully help in some small way.
you are supporting her infinitely I'd imagine. (((((((hugs to both of you )))))))

(((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))) always. you know it.

Dear old friend,
Wow. I can so relate to you on so many levels of what you are going through because I've been there before. I am really having a hard time seperating the part of me that understands, and the part of me who has moved past all of this and knows that you are heading down a dangerous road. I told you I wouldn't judge you, and I won't. I am the last person on earth to judge someone on this point. But please take a step back. All I've heard you say this week is about you...or about him. I would feel infinitely better if you just once mentioned how all of this might affect your kids. You've built up this best case scenerio in your head, and I understand that...used to have one myself, but the chances of anything even remotly close to that happening is slim to none.
I hope you were listening the other night when we talked about depression. I really think you see his, but are blind to your own. I hope you get some help, and maybe you can fix things before making some irrevocable decisions. I'll always be an ear to listen, but I will not be involved in this new part of your life that includes going out to clubs, and acting out. I've already closed that chapter of my life, and I am so very happy where I am, I will not risk it even to be supportive of an old friend. I'll never expose you, but I don't ever want to be your cover, so please don't tell when you are going to do something that needs one.
Love you,
((tree, zoya, pixie))


I'm worried about your heart fib. Hell, now we both take the same drugs. You're older now. Yet, don't blame me for having epilepsy, or getting a PE. If you want me off your insurance, please say so. I'm not married to Mcgeek, but I'm sure you'll be thanking the health angels when I am just so I can get on his insurance. Telling me that the bill would be "fucking insane" is some support. Yes, it's my fault I sprained my toe. I'm just trying to live my life, and have some great adventures as well. Also, the jab at me not working? Thanks a fucking lot. Please don't tell me you're dying. I'm already feeling horrible today.


I know this is very "here we go again" for a few days. You didn't have the slam the door in my face. Some days, I really hate living with you.


WTF? I just want some happy things to happen in my life. First, a broken toe and a PE, now a sprain? In the same foot? I'm considering just cutting off the foot.
Please send me good vibes soon.

Dear R -

So you've known my age since right after the very first time we hung out..... and you clearly don't care. I was totally shocked when you just dropped it into conversation this morning so nonchalantly. I feel kinda better. But kinda weird. I guess I don't have to worry about if you'll still like me once you find out how old I am....



Dear friendship gods,
Let me state this once and for all: I cannot keep on going out in groups. I need you to send me people who are okay with not having ten other people going out with them, who are okay with only having one or two other people with, preferably one. The coffee shop today with only the three of us? That was fine. A little much, but fine. When the group of seven or eight arrived to join us? That nearly drove me to tears. I need friends who are fine with quiet conversation, who understand I don't need to be the center of attention and who I don't need to compete with to get a word in edgewise. Yesterday wore me out, today was even worse and while I like hanging out with most of these people, I also would like to deepen some friendships here and that is impossible when I'm trying to shout to make myself heard.
sooo sad
dear boyfriend,

i'm really happy i'm with you. you have enlightened me soo much. i feel like i'm a much more affectionate person because of you. it's the little things you do that show me you really care and love me. like when you kiss me on the cheek/face when you get home from work and whisper ....i love you honey. i'm really awake most of the time when you do that but i act like i'm asleep just to see what you're gonna do. i love it when you wake up just to give me a hug ... most everything is great. i love you

sooo sad
This letter was retarded. An object of miscommunication. I doubt she'll ever forgive me & I wouldn't fault her if she didn't, but I am SORRY.

Open letter,


This has gone on since this morning.

If you know well enough, you'll come correct.



My trusting you says way more about me than you. I know my belly is soft. I am pathetic.

PS. Upon reflection, I'll get over you if you choose to roll with this. I won't like it, but I am resilient. I'm funny that way. I'll just find a better, smarter, more interesting you.
for the love of maud- STOP FUCKING TRYING TO REACH ME! mad.gif

you're off my island!

I cannot bear your freaky loudness anymore and I know it's very passive aggressive of me to not give you the decency of explaining this to you, but as nasty as I seem right now, I honestly Don't want to hurt you.
I just want you to go away & leave me alone.

not picking up the phone when you call (which is the only reason I put your # in my directory, so caller id recognized it so I can screen) and hell's bell's am I friending you at crackbook either. bless the genius who added the Block feature there.
just please don't just show up at my house one day?
I'd so hate, but would still do it, to just not answer the door while you rang & knocked and knocked & rang ect etc.
hoping to never run into you~
so not interested

cousin: some of the above goes ditto for you with crackbook.
we've lived in the same state far away from our family's off & on for over 15 years, and NOW you want to "friend me? "
I so don't think so.
you had your chances the times I tried to reach out to you on multiple holidays, even offering to meet you 1/2 way if you didn't want to drive the full 3 hours to come to our house.

thanks for reminding me what shit I have for relatives,
youngest cousin

AP: wanna go throw eggs & rocks at something together?

ok, ya busted me. looked me up under someone else's name & there I still was.
worse still was to send me that email, but you know what- and yes I KNOW karma will no doubt double-ding me for this- GOOD! at least now you get -it.
-- what did you do?
besides let your little monster run rampant alll over my furniture w/ her hard shoes on- FALL ASLEEP AT MY HOUSE BC YOU STAYED SO LONG & WOULDN'T LEAVE.. ?
so we're done. and I am glad.
wishing you no ill-will most sincerely,
ex whatever

karma: please, be merciful. I did try in my way to be kind about this, bc I didn't want to hurt her.
I just didn't want to get sucked into her life & all the drama & messiness again more.
you know I'm dealing w/ my own stuff still, in my own sometimes scary head world.
for whatever reason (maybe you want me to be more Adult?) you keep zapping me in regards to things like this the last months & I am saying to you ' I Do Get It now.'
waving the white flag,
dear dj khaled:

i'm "watching" cribs right now.
you. are. a douche.
i'm $120,000 in student debt, and you and your untalented ass have like 10 fuckin' whips, 20 gators, and a pool full of imported angel piss.
anyone can give shout-outs over marginally catchy pop songs (see: DJ Clue).

which reminds me, both of you can suck. adick.

-DJ Catlady
dear lady in the accounting dept (you know who you are) who cuts the paycheques -

you fucking COW. You've had my invoice for 2 FUCKING WEEKS and you haven't even PROCESSED it yet? And you give me that smug "well, I just have so much to do" when I ask? I realize you just consider me like any other vendor you have to process invoices and cut cheques for, but I ACTUALLY WORK FOR THIS COMPANY ON A REGULAR BASIS - I just get paid as a freelancer - so you'd think I'd get some sort of priority. But no, you are a total bitch who plays god with my fucking pay. It's not even the pay part that's so bad - it's the fact that nearly £1000 of my invoice is expenses. That's MY MONEY that you are holding hostage, and letting the company make interest on. At the very least, GIVE ME MY FUCKING MONEY BACK. Right now I have less than £100 in my bank account thanks to you - this is the worst position I've been in in years, when I should have plenty in there to cover me for months.

Thanks for putting me into the hole, you fucking wench.

I hope you die and rot in hell. Then I'll have a smug smile on MY face.



Dear Little Girl,

you're getting weird, he's already said no, nothing else is going to happen. Please don't get psychotic or I will be forced to thwack you with a tuna. Or a humboldt squid. Seriously, I can hide one of those big fuckers in my pants.



Dear you,

Le Sigh.


Dear employment gods or whatever,

Can I please get a call back for something I've applied for? COME ON! I have the credentials, and I think I'd be good at what I'm applying for. Help would be really appreciated. You know I like the people I work with, just not the job itself.

I am at a loss here. You broke rule #1 which is don' t fuck up. Y ou fucked up. Since rule #2 is don't call my ass from jail and technically you called me from the back of a cop car which is not jail,but since I am gonna have to come get you later I'll go ahead and consider rule #2 broken.

I did not sign up for this. I am really tired of your bullshit and apologies. really truly tired. maybe I should cut my loses and end this now. you'll never change. If this is what you wanna do maybe you need to do it alone. Again I am at a loss here.

maybe I should just forgive you and cross my fingers that you'll get your shit together. Maybe I am sick of waiting for that to happen.

maybe you should have one of your idiot friends come get you. maybe I am not the one. maybe this is the end.

We have hit a real rough patch and I don't know how to deal with this. The rules are real simple. You found a way to break them both and after the shit you pulled this summer.

I said if it happened again. I'm leaving. This is a different it. or is it the same?

I am flumoxed.

it is physically impossible for me to sustain being angry. especially when you apologize and tell me I was right. let's hope the behavior changes. you are the ONLY person I can't hold a grudge against. seriously

You are my heart

love J
ok, rudder, i'm a total dork, i can't find the "you know you are a bustie thread, so i'm posting here:


i was watching "das boot" and the entire time i was thinking about you.

you are so badassedly cool.

that's all.

to each of the girls of many, many yesterdays ago:

i still can't look at you. i can't think about you without finding tears in my eyes. you all make me sick to my stomach. that boy has been all mine for over a year now, and yet i still sometimes ache with questions and paranoia and old jealousy. i wonder what he did to you, how it happened, if it was all in fun and badness, or if it was truly intimate. how many times exactly? how many days did he have to split between us? i know you were all quite aware that he was spoken-for. i know it because you rubbed it in my face that you had him in spite of that. he is good to me now, and i trust him, and we love eachother. we have become a strong couple after you tried so hard to tear us down. i know that he is largely responsible for the events of our past, but i always thought there was a code - a girl code - and you shattered it. i lost my faith in women because of you. but now i know i am a better woman than any of you, and i have met REAL women in the time since - women who are respectful and kind and wise and smart and good. women with integrity. i am a woman with integrity. i have found my life again. and he doesn't think of you. he touches my face in the morning and i can feel him gazing at me when he thinks i'm sleeping. everything is wonderful now, no thanks to you.

i could have sought revenge, as i often dreamed of... but i believe in karma. what goes around comes around.
and i hope someone breaks your heart like you broke mine.
know how it feels. understand that ache. and DO something about the woman you are.

Crafty love gods. You sent me a curve ball there, I thought he was totally perfect. He is so flaky he might just be the worlds biggest time waster. I don't like your style but I get the point. Jazz boy on the other hand seems delightful, very tactile. I like. Italian guy is even pretty interesting if not a little on the straight side for me, he just seems a little "cool in high school" we'll see though. You're making it all very interesting but for the love of audrey wheres the humping love gods, i'm going crazy over here!
Yours chillingly.

fuck you, as always. you loan me a book, then want it back a week later for your paper? and you want me to HAND DELIVER it to you, 2 hours away? it's called a LIBRARY, look into it. it's called putting down 8 measly bucks for a new one if you need it that bad. Oh, and i will be in your area this weekend. come find me if you want it that bad. come find me if you want me that bad.


Dear person who just called me with a blocked number, listened as i said hello, then hung up-

fuck you.

Lucky my Love:
it's been a year now.
a whole entire year without your furry sweet spastic softness.. your soak-through bluejeans kisses.. your puppy-stealth sneakiness.. your dancing eyebrows above The' most lovely & rich brown eyes I have ever ever known..

I miss you sugar boy.
I don't hear you in the hallway like I used to so much now, maybe probably that's a good thing, but I do not doubt that I see you in baby Bella occassionaly. I see the eyebrow thing, I see the upside down chinese wolfie that never failed to crack me up every time and still does now.
I know of course that she is not you, there was only One YOU. and I am so very very grateful for the time we had baby boy, you taught me and showed me a whole universe of love I had never known exsisted.

big Sis & I wish so much that you were here to know your new brother & sister; we talk often about all the wonderful & silly things you would teach them, but we also feel that you Are here, and I encourage them to listen to everything you say if they see you. you had a wiseness that the world could sorely benefit from.

my sweet sweet baby boy, you are here in my heart forever,
eternal love,

family /parents:
thanks so much for Not remembering.
you Suck.
youngest daughter
((freckle & family))
Dear you,

Well, you're moody, irritating and a craphead. You're mood as of late, I want nothing to do with. It's helped me get on with getting over you. I'll still be your friend, but I'm really not digging you when you are like this.


Dear fate goddess,

I am trying to trust the process. i heard this term recently and i really liked it. Trust the process. This can be applied to so many areas of my life and when I am upset I whisper it to myself and hope that it sinks in to my psyche on some level. I'm not freaking out yet, but I really need some clear anwsers and some clear paths soon. I need to know that I will be okay. I need to know that I will feel strong again. I need to know that this process is something that I can trust.

Please don't fail me,

Dear Old Friend's husband,
You have seriously weirded me out by sending me a pm. I appreciate the invitation to come spend some time with the girls hanging out at your house, but I don't think you doing this to suprise her is a good idea. You obviously have no concept of what Girl's Night is all about. It's kinds hard to b!tch about our husbands while you are right there.
Look, I know this is probably a last ditch effort to do something nice for her. And I find that sweet, but I really think this is going to blow up in your face. She is past the point where you doing a nice gesture is going to help.
I don't want to get involved in your marital problems. I feel like I am in this very awkward position now that I know you are planning this without her knowledge. I'm sorry dude, but you and I never clicked, so my loyalty will stay with her even if I do think she is in the wrong.
Since I am not going to send this, I just gonn aput this out there. I am seriously worried that this is an attempt by you to get all of her friends together who you feel are taking her away from you and do something to us. I know, you don't seem the type...but I have seen mild mannered man go to out of control pycho in a flash when a marriage is ending. I want no part of this.
I feel for you, I really do. And if I knew what to tell you to do to stop the inevitable, I would do it. But I don't. I don't know what's driving her.


You got under my skin. You woke something up that I thought I had packaged away in a neat little compartment. When we were sitting in my car the other night, I felt the electricity. I know you felt it too. I should have kissed you. I just want to wrap myself around you and hold you and kiss you and comfort you, and experience you. I wish you would've kissed me. I regret driving off without doing SOMETHING.

I will miss you, chica. I will send you your brussels sprouts this weekend.

I hope I get to see you in person again someday.



I can't believe you.
you really didn't know?
all these years?
all those years Ago??
- what did you think I was talking about then?
when I said the words " Mom, he hurts me sometimes"- what did you think I meant?
bc what comes to mind, if not hitting, is that much more worser than a dozen or hundred punches & chokes & squeezes & arm twists & finger bend-back crunches & shoves & kicks.
if you KNEW he was doing "something" to me, even if I 'wouldn't tell you what' bc I was a little girl- why did you not Believe Me and God help me- ACT ON IT ON MY BEHALF ???
I'm really at such a loss right now as to what to think...
' that's the first time you ever told me he hit you.'
words fail me even to try to wrap my mind around you saying that tonight.

but you know the good <ironic chuckle> thing to come of tonight's call Mom?
right after, I went downstairs to the mr (who was too into his video game to do or say much beyond " if it hurts you, don't think about it.") & I started to cry really Really hard, sliding down the sofa onto the floor hugging a pillow, and a TON of memories cane flooding back. really bad ugly flashbacks, one right after the other.
T putting me into a sort of wrestling move w/ my arms behind my back & lifting me off the ground & kicking my legs out from under me. yanking big chunks of my hair til my head woudl snap back. my stomach churned with the more I remembered but it's good really. bc after they stopped, and my mind tried to start processing (bc none of the things really actually felt New- they felt Famililar) I felt a sense of calm come over me.. a sense of reliefe. and now? a vulnerability like an injured baby bird. raw. defenseless.

I love you Mom, soo much.
I do not know where to go from here with you however.
youngest daughter

mr: I really need{ed} more from you tonight.
no doubt all that I'm going through right now sucks badly for you-to have a "crazi, dysfunctional wife "
but would it have killed you to Pause your damn game & wrap your arms around me tonight?
the flood gates opened up tonight.. I think more will be forthcoming now, and that's Good, but it's also scary as hell when it happens and I really Really needed you to hold me and (like when I told you about the recovered memory last week) & tell me I'm safe bc when those things come back to me, I feel right back in the middle of it and it's HELL.
in fact it really Pisses me off that you were like that tonight.
wounded sad & mad wife

lots of love and vibes and support here.......
(((freckle))) ditto what tree said sad.gif
((((freckle)))) Support and hugs. You are so strong and brave lady, even if it doesn't feel that way. I am in awe.
((freckle)) Support here. Vibbage.
Letter Busties :
thank you all sooooo much for your loving supporrt.
my brother (4 yrs older) is bi-polar/schizophrenic and was badly abusive to me growing up.
while I was always aware of that & aware that I had blocked a lot of it out, I wasn't really aware of how deep it went til I got hit w/ severe anxiety & agoraphobia a few months ago & had to start treatment & medication.
seems a lot of my issues tie directly back to what happened when I was a kid and the process of recovering the memories is slow -going, intense & very very scary. my dr has even diagnosed me w/ ptsd as a result of things that happened.
seems I am living proof that you can run, but you can never really hide.
my family is in semi-denile about it all & mostly non-cooperative which makes me feel that much more alone in things too as you can see by the things I've written.
and the poor mr? after I wrote here last night I went to him & we talked & I gave him the option of me Not sharing this with him.. if it was too much (he said no & then apologised) & I told him specifically what I needed from him when memories resurfaced and he is going to try better to support me now.
I think it makes him feel helpless when this happens, which is understandable.

so, I wanted to say Thank you to all of you.
I feel like I whine & "always have issues" & I do not mean to be a thread hog & apologies for that.
much much much much love ~
freckle, no need for apologies here. do what you need to and whine when you want to.
QUOTE(missladyj @ Nov 24 2008, 06:24 PM) *
freckle, no need for apologies here. do what you need to and whine when you want to.

I really appreciate that misslady. I am going to try harder to be more concise bc I fear others won't post as I go on & on .

freckle, I hope you feel that you have support here and can vent when you want.



Why the seizure today?? I was looking forward to a day to myself after my first day of an internship.
I LOVE that I ended up on the kitchen floor! This was just a really bad way to start a day.


WHY? Why must you be so mega-bitch to me lately? I haven't done anything to you. I'm sick of the beatings.
Do not call my new puppy "slow,"(was that a jab at mental retardation b/c I don't find it funny) and quit beating me up over me not having a job, and my health. I can't control the seizures!! The weight gain jabs are great too. Yoga does cause you to lose weight bitch! Do you not understand that meds cause side effects?
I have an internship at a great nonprofit. One which has known me for 10 years. I'm still looking for jobs in Atlanta and out west. If I get a job in Oregon or Washington, I plan to move. Without Mcgeek. Please quit trying to analyze my relationship with him.
Oh, and how did I love that you criticized my relationship, telling me that he would break up with me?? He has told me to follow my dreams, and knows I hate Georgia. It's going to take a long time to sell the house, and the job market is horrible here!! You're mad at Daddy for having to deal with crazy Granny, and that's on you. I'm sorry your mom died. But, please don't beat me up anymore. You're seriously close to losing me. You wonder know why Mel left?? Cause she was being beat up my dad and you. Her husband and his family were at least accepting of her. For the seizures and none of the emotional beatings. For the first time in my life, I have an supportive man in my life, my own house, and my own life without any of your money. I'm grown up, and it kills you you can't control me anymore. FUCK YOU!! Maybe I won't be there for Christmas. I'm sick of the fights. Now you're bringing Mcgeek into it. You have never supported me emotionally, and I hate you for it. I've done nothing but love you. I hate you you fucking bitch. Daddy is a stronger man than I ever thought to put up with your constant shit. Oh, if you wonder why Mcgeek doesn't like it, it's this. He's sick of finding his loved one in a crumpled mess on the futon crying.

Woman who denied me a job,

I realize that I don't understand "rural" Oregon, but I wanted to thank you for telling me I didn't get the position. I do live in Georgia after all. Telling me today was probably not the best thing. Another nail in the coffin.

Your applicant.

Job gods,

Something soon please. I like my internship, but it doesn't pay. I'm sick of having to ask Mcgeek for money.
Considering going back to retail. Borders would be nice. Discount on books.

Dear busties,

Sorry to be a thread hog. I'm just had a horrible day, and I'm considering going back to bed.


thank you sassygrrrl, and (((((((((((((sassy))))))))))))))))) bc oh sweetie, when it rains it pours sometimes.
the restorative powers of bed can never be underestimated.
this fuck up is really gonna cost us. Of course I am not going with you. Just wear the suit and keep your big mouth shut. And maybe it's time you put aside your pride and asked someone for some help because I have no clue how we are goin to afford this. Work it out. Bowling for dollars will not make up for it. I'm super pissed and just want to enjoy my few days offf. looks like that won't happen. I'm bringing two of the rats home. Deal with it.
Dear K,
Fuck you. I have played the high school suck up, will she like me game with you all fucking week. You still treat me like shit. I tell you you are treating me like shit, and you tell me my feelings aren't worth shit.

You hate it when you even think I might be trying to guilt you ,but you have no trouble saying "why do you hate me?" and "fine don't hang out with me". Fuck you. When I try to talk you, to tell you I'm sick of your shit you some how manage to turn it around on me. You you call me lazy, high and mighty, when I have been nothing but helpful and respectful to mom and dad. Don't call me lazy, I never skipped class in high school. Don't call me high and mighty, I don't try to convince every one I'm right all the time.

Whenever you get pissed off at me you write another mean song about me, that you play in public. If I say I don't like it you tell me I'm not being supportive. Have you ever considered that the world isn't about you? that not everything is about you? Fuck you. I don't give two peanut decorated shits whether or not you like me, the less you like me the less you call, the less abuse I have to take from you.

Yes I have to be related to you, but fuck if I'm going to take your shit any more. Fuck you. The next time you are mean to me I'm going to be mean right back. Because it isn't funny, it isn't fun, it's mean. You are a mean fucking bitch no matter how I spin it.

When I try to talk to you you start screaming at me. When Mom asks you to stop screaming you tell her to mind her own business. Don't talk that way to my Mom. This is her business, you are insulting and me and you are doing it under her roof. When you do that it humiliates me. I'm 27 and I feel so stupid when mom and dad have to get involved. I'm too old for that shit. Fuck you.

Coming to visit is a chore. I never do anything right. Something about me always bothers you. Whether it be the way I chew, or the way I relate to your problems. I'm never good enough. Stop trying to change me, stop complaining about it, and just accept me for who I am. Fuck you. I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. Do you know why I say you don't love me? because you complain constantly about everything I do. As far as I'm concerned, with the way you treat me, you don't love me.

Fuck you,
Dear you,

The problem is not that I down a bottle of wine every friday. The problem is that I live in the suburbs, which I hate, with you and your increasingly incalcitrant teenage daughter in a job I hate.

I have no ties except for mine to you. If pushed, I can boogie. I've done it before. I doubt your ability to do the same. You promise when she is done with school and gone to uni you will travel with me, but I have no evidence.

For now, I have to go where the work is. A good academic travels, and I have no intention of being mediocore at my job, of becoming a media studies lecturer who lapses into nothingness. I love my work: I must do, as I do it (as usual for grad students) unpaid, and will continue to do so.

I love you, so much, consciously so often. But right now I hate you, for denigrating me, putting it down to booze when you know I don't want to be here. You're trying to belittle me, make out that what I have stated I want and need are the products of a drunken mind.

Fuck you. And watch it. I get a job offer, I'm gone. You're not listening; you have your vocation, I don't have mine. I need to pursue mine.

And you sprung RT living with us fulltime on me. Did I say yes, or was I ever asked??

Love you, but fuck you too if you can't get the above,
stupid ass wrists-- f'ing get better. NOW. i refuse to hunt and peck anymore, and i f'ing hate hunting and pecking with wrist braces on. this sucks.

(freckle here's apologies for being awol. i miss u lots, but i can make one post and after that my wrists are shot. :/)
sweets: totally understood & no need to explain.
I passed a welding shop ( I think, lol) & thought of you today.. what's going on w/ your wrists?
sending you healing vibes ((((((((((n-n)))))))))))

(((((((sybarite))))) sounds like a big ole' bag o' shit right now for you - the girl is w/ you full time? with No notice?? that's be an awful lot to be accomodating about, esp when paired w/ living in the 'burbs.
the mr & I live in a large subdivision & still stop in the streets rather stunned, look at each other & ask " how the hell did we land HERE ?" huh.gif
anyway, pm me anytime to kvetch as yanno I got a teen too tho maud help me it's day to day near combat sometimes too.
dear busties -

apologies in advance for not giving all of you who have much worse problems than me a shout out. Just know that I love you all, I've read your letters, and huge ((((((hugs)))))) to all of you.

now I'm going to move on to the pity party for myself...


Dear Flatmate -

I love you. You're one of the greatest flatmates I've ever had. But seriously, you don't have to stop and listen and try to help me with something when I'm just venting. Sometimes I just need to vent. Especially when I found out at 1 am that I have to fucking work today, and I had to come back from out of town where I worked last night, and on that journey home I was cooped up in a train for 3 hours trying to act like a civil person and not the pissed off to fuck woman that I am right now. I just came in the door venting. I'm not mad at you, and you don't need to help me. I do appreciate your trying to lend an ear, but just know that all I needed to do was get it off my chest and out of my system.

I guess that's what I get for moving in with a psychologist.


Dear "E" key -

why the fuck did you have to break now? I don't have time to go to the apple store and get you fixed, since you dont' seem to want to stay on with any of my efforts.


Dear printer -

ditto goes for you - you bastard. I need you every fucking day, and now you've been discontinued and I can't get you repaired. And everyone in town is out of stock of your new version, which is insanely overpriced, btw. YOU SUCK. argh!


Dear Spare tire around my middle -

fuck, can you please go away? The rest of my body is great. I just hate you. Ok so you're my own doing, from consuming too much beer and not exercising enough. But I"m back on the exercise tip, so please comply.

thank you


Dear R -

Can you please FUCKING CALL OR TEXT ME?!!! Where the fuck are you? What the fuck happened? You were so spot on last week - the last couple of weeks - really kinda blowing me away in a mellow, nice, gentle way. And now I haven't heard a peep from you in 5 days. If you're busy, can you please just shoot me a quick text and say "man, I've been really slammed" or something like that. I know you've had rehearsals, and probably some exams, and stuff but jesus. I know that we're being mellow about this all, but there are certain social graces that are nice to follow with a girl. I give you tons of space and a long leash, and I'm busy too, so it's not like I"m trying to corner you here, but um... could you at least check in?


ps - I am gonna be so fucking pissed if you don't invite me to that private premier party next week - or at least have a good explanation as to why you don't get to go or bring a guest.

Dear world -



Dear Vodka -

I think I need to pay you a visit soon. Maybe tonight.


Aw, thanks freckle. She actually moved in with us fulltime 18 months ago, which is when we moved out here to be near her school, but I (obviously) still feel resentful about how it was done. Mostly I accept that it's the best thing for her, and for the mister her dad, and that's what matters. I'm just feeling down about my job and the whole suburban thing--it's all not what I wanted. I just wish the mister could acknowledge that just because I have what many people seem to want: good job, nice house etc etc, it's not what I want and never has been. He knows this but I think doesn't like to acknowledge it because essentially we can't change anything for a few years. I will be much happier if/when I get an academic job.

But thanks for your comments; you make me feel less alone out here in inadvertent suburbia!

Btw, I do recognise that drinking a bottle of wine isn't a particularly good solution for anything, in case anyone reading is concerned. Lately by friday night however, it's all I want to do. blink.gif

/lengthy derail
dear midwestern friends:
stop saying "what is there to do in new england, anyway? nothing. there's nothing there but woods. come back."

dear new england friends:
stop saying "what is there to do in the midwest? nothing. there's nothing but strip malls. don't go back."

dear midwestern and new england friends:
i love you all but FUCK OFF!!!! neither set of you has even been out of your respective areas. you all don't know shit, and you don't know how much it stabs me in the heart each time you say shit like that to me.

respectfully: suck. a. dick.

Dear R -

I hope that when this super slammed time period is over, that we can have a night of having sex and tying each other up and remembering what it is to build trust with someone. I want to feel that trusting closeness again, that all of that stuff brings up. I feel so disconnected right now, I feel like I talked your ear off last night, but didn't really say anything. I was trying really hard to get myself normal - I should know better that when I'm in this headspace, the best thing to do is to just shut up and be. I hope you still want to hang out with me, I still want to hang out with you. But I'm in a weird headspace right now and I don't know exactly what's real and what's not. It happens now and then. I hope you understand. I wish somehow I could actually tell you this, but I don't really know how. Maybe I'm just scared to. I don't want to sound like "poor me, I get depressed sometimes" even though I know you're the same way and you'd probably get it. I'm still afraid to tell you that. I know I won't hear from you this whole week, you're going pretty much full tilt from morning til late night every day, and you told me so. I guess that might not be a bad thing, hopefully this will pass during that time. I'm hoping when this passes, and your thing passes, that we'll be on the same page again. Trying to trust that we will. And when we are, I hope you want to tie each other up and do all manner of things to one another, because I really really want to. I like the closeness of that.


dear S,

Wow, did you ever go fucking stalker last night. you sent me at least 20 texts, called me two or three times. DUDE, you just fucked up and I'm totally not replying. That was fucking creepy.


Dear you,

I don't know how I feel. Not the same, but not the way it was. Maybe I'm still holding out for you? I don't know.

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