Jun 23 2008, 04:36 PM
Dear Kidney Stone v. 2.0,
GET OUT OF MY FUCKING BODY!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!! GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With the utmost of sincerity,
Jun 23 2008, 05:48 PM
dear new sister-in-law
it's not that I didn't expect T to get married (again), it's more that you are from so far away, and your plans to return there to your homeland with my brother that has me a little floored.
I am sure you are beautiful and intelligent, that is exactly my brother's type, and I wish there was a chance we'd get to meet and maybe even become friends, as I'd like very much to have a sister to be close to.
I will not lie and say I am not a little disconcerted at my brother converting to Islam..I can't begin to describe the mix of emotions that brings up based on my husband's particular line of work.. but yet- we are peaceable people, and would love the opportunity to be educated directly and authentically on things we have have heard over and over to the negative.
.. I'd like to get you a gift, a 'welcome to the family, sister-to-sister' gift, to show I really do genuniely welcome you, but I have no idea what to get and my brother will likely discourage that being how he is, something I hope you are strong enough to get over bc marriage to him will be a lot of things but definately not easy. I hope you are strong new sister, strong in yourself and in what is right and wrong bc my brother, much as I love him, is the devil himself when he is actively ill and it frightens me for you to maybe not know just what you have signed on for.
I hope your family over there is kind and understanding and I hope most of all that this is a union that will bless both of you.
you will probably not hear from me new sister.. I was surpised that my brother had even told you about me, but it made me happy to hear that my mom telling me today made you happy.
it's not much, but I hope you felt my heart reach out towards yours.
I wish I could send this to you, speak to you, let you know I am here...
new sister K
self: get a hold of yourself now.
therapy will be so good for you, but you've got to stay together with no more panic fits beyond that.
all of the many me's know this and know you need to have some faith in yourself.
it's ok to fall down sometimes, but it's the getting back up that matters most.
Jun 24 2008, 07:20 AM
Karma is a fucking bitch and so am I. You have no fucking idea what happens. The last guy whor eally fucked me over had a tree fall on his car. By no doing of mine. You know what they say? the scales are permanently tipped in Libra's favour. Motherfucker, I have the texts, if I find out who your woman is I will fucking show her what you sent me. I fucking swear it. I mother fucking swear it.
Jun 24 2008, 09:18 AM
Get off yer cottage cheese, but cute, buttocks and hippity hop into that jeep and drive over to the stripmalls and hit the pavement. Don't you dare try to get all prideful about any of this. You need a job. Look at things positively... You may get a job at one of these large retailers that could provide you with a decent discount, and thus... waller in the perks. You can use this as an opportunity to make new friends in your new environment. Stop beating yourself up about not getting an officey job just yet. Better yet, Maybe you are supposed to get a restaurant job so you may keep it part-time for either working a 9-5 job or becoming a parapro or teacher? Maybe just maybe, you aren't supposed to have a full-blown career-oriented job until AFTER you return from your week long vacation with Mr. Luv's family? Maybe just MAybe, i shall say again to you, that this is all in the cards somehow.. the universe leading you into the direction that you truly want.. and somehow working retail or food will aid in getting you there?
STOP being such a negative Nancy!
Jun 24 2008, 06:04 PM
i told you it would get weird. sorry i hurt your feelings, but you are annoying. it's not my fault. again, you are the kind of girl that i would like to push sometimes, but i think this is because you are so cute and smart, and i want to be that girl. i so am not, or at least this is the story i've told myself about myself. i am the mean girl (another story), but i am only the mean girl when i feel slighted. let's put it behind us.
eta: i wanted to clarify, i want to push you sometimes because you think that being cute and smart makes it okay for you to be busy, as in a "busy-body", but it doesn't, and it's not cute, so stop it.
Jun 24 2008, 07:30 PM
i lied. i really do want you to call. and tell me you miss me.
Jun 24 2008, 07:41 PM
Dear zoya -
don't worry. there's nothing you can do about it now. Just be yourself. Oh, and if you don't know what to do, just don't do anything. things will sort themselves out They always do.
Jun 24 2008, 08:19 PM
Could you be any more pathetic? Why won't you go away? Only one person here likes you, and those of us who are looking can see that you're only using her. You really ought to go back home, where people probably tolerate you well (or even like you). I think I've made it abundantly clear that I want nothing to do with you, but you keep coming back here asking after me, following, and watching. J, A, A, M, & D all see what you're doing, you're not fooling them. I suppose you'll show up for G tomorrow because you're such a good samaritan, right? Nah, we know you aren't.
So, be gone already.
Jun 24 2008, 08:22 PM
I'm glad you understand me now. That makes this pain in the ass a little easier to bear.
Jun 25 2008, 04:27 AM
You do not get to talk about my previous relationships. Ever. Got it? Your snide little fucking "that's because you slept with all of his friends" was not only incredibly bitchy, but incorrect and ignorant. Given your lack of knowledge (unsurprising given that I don't talk to you), you need to back the fuck off. You want to know why I don't call, why I don't chat? Why I wander off to the shops for an hour or two when we're visiting for less than a day? Because you are a judgemental, pig-fucking-ignorant arsehole. You comment on women's bodies all the time, you denigrate them all the time. You're passive-aggressive. You are downright fucking mean.
While you're at it, applauding your eldest son's rampant and idiotic jealousy (his girlfriend can't even mention her exes without causing a fight) is so hypocritical I may just implode. Your stupid little aside to me nonwithstanding, you haven't even told you new (strict Muslim) husband that you've actually been married twice! Or that you divorced them both after cheating? And you have a dig about the fact six years ago me and one of my husband's friends (who we love enough to have had as a groomsman and will be part ofhis wedding party) bumped bits for a while? Get a fucking grip, you hosebeast.
Next time I won't be nice, I won't play nice. Hell I won't even mention a goddamn thing. I'm just gonna walk out and YOU can explain why you thought it was appropriate. I tried being nice and friendly and you try and use information against me? Moron - I'm not ashamed in the first place, secondly you aren't that important to me.
Your exceedingly pissed off daughter-in-law
Jun 25 2008, 06:01 PM
Do you really think that I'm in competition with you?? You can have him, but keep in mind you will never have him, he is a liar, a cheater, and he *lives* with his girlfriend. He's smooth I know, but I don't care. You are so clearly threatened by me. You suanter into his office when you see me. Here's the thing, I know what he truly is so I don't care. I'm fucking a cop and have a wonderful sex like with my top and man who really does respect our friendship and who doesn't mind fuck me. I wouldn't never give that up.
Jun 25 2008, 09:43 PM
Hey you, idiot,
You are fucking SICK. I am ashamed to be related to someone who would say something so disgusting. You sick fucker, I hope someone does to you what you said you would do to someone. I don't give a flying fuck if you were kidding. That's not something to kid about.
TO HELL WITH YOU.
Jun 26 2008, 09:29 AM
you are literally the meanest and craziest person i have met in my life. i really think you have multiple personality disorder and you need help. You are a liar and a manipulator. you deserve only what you give out which is misery and pain. i hope someone steals everything from you like you have from me. karma is a bitch and you will eventually get yours
Jun 26 2008, 09:04 PM
Be not afraid.
Everything will work out in the end.
Don't be afraid of being alone, of being unemployed, of anything. You've been there before, and jobs will come, boyfriends will come, friends will come, every little thing will be all right.
It might suck now, but it will work out well.
Deep breath, and just continue on.
Jun 27 2008, 10:01 PM
my fuse for dealing with your accusations is much shorter than it used to be. I'm thankful that you don't yell any more. I appreciate how far you've come. I'm glad it takes you hours now instead of days to realize how irrational you were.
But I'm tired of being accused of making decisions unilaterally and dictating to you, when I'm just voicing my opinion, and some of those decisions I have to make because of your...deficits, which you know, and even though you know that this is the way our life has to be, that doesn't stop you from resenting me for it and accusing me of the usual.
This is the fifth year, and I'm grateful you don't blow up twice a week the way you did in the beginning, but I'm tired, tired, tired of it. I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet, but I'm damn sure thinking about when I will be. Marrying you was a leap of faith, as most marriages are, and I gave it and am giving it my best shot, and you're still wearing me out. When things are good, they're great, and when you accuse me of xxxx, I think more and more that I should have listened to my misgivings and told you "No."
I wonder if you wonder why I spend so much time flirting with him. It's because he's emotionally stable. He enjoys our debates, he doesn't accuse me of being too or inappropriately intellectual, he takes pleasure in my self-confidence. And you wonder why I haven't made any progress on my thesis, my cod, no wonder my academic confidence was shattered while I've been married to you. No wonder debating with him has given it back to me, hallelujah, like a fucking miracle. Also, he's good for my blood pressure.
No wonder I'm still oh so glad I had the abortion, and no wonder I've been observing your talk of "maybe kids" instead of sharing in it. Kids? would mean a million more decisions requiring reasoning that you perceive as unilateral. Would mean a million more accusations for you to fling at me. Would mean: Anarch, meet loony bin. Also, anarch and you, meet divorce.
I dunno where we'll go. Without kids I think I can hold it together, hopefully. I'm not telling all this yet though. I need space in between arguments to recover. It's only been 2 weeks since the last one. I'm tired.
Jun 28 2008, 12:07 PM
I can't figure out where to put an update-on-me-life post, so here goes -
Awww, I missed you too! I needed a break from online drama in general, and then it just became a habit. Woot, depression! I've been drowning in therapy several times a week for over a year, and that's been incredibly good for me. In fact, the 20 years-long depressive episode has lifted and now I'm trying to figure out how to navigate life like a normal person. It's weird and unsettling, but I'm not suicidal or cutting and that's good enough for now!
I'm working on my theater degree, to help make me a useful member of society *gigglesnort X infinity* but that just started, so I'm not sure what to say about that yet. Still living in Brooklyn with Mr.Luci and our three felines (I have kitten pictures!). My parents sold the house I grew up in and moved to the country, and that is also just weird. I have fleeting notions of "going home to visit my parents," but their house isn't my old home anymore and never was. Ahh, adulthood.
I missed reading here because everyone always made me laugh, and we always had each other's backs, and the trolls are so fucking pathetic and impotent, wagging their wee penises at everyone, trying to make us care. So funny. And some of my best friends were on here, and I just left, and I feel shitty about that. I'm sorry. I know it's not an excuse, but my mental health was not at a good place, and everything was raw raw raw.
Going to engage more now, and I hope my ladies are all still here, and looking forward to meeting the people I don't know!
Jun 28 2008, 12:45 PM
I'm so glad you are back in the lounge. Most importantly, I'm glad you took time for yourself to heal. You sound like you are in a good place in your life and that is enough to hear.
I look forward to seeing your posts again.
Jun 28 2008, 09:44 PM
Ive been doing alot of thinking lately and after every shitty thing you have managed to put me through ive decided that this will be our last correspondence. thanks for nothing! its bad enough you damn near killed me by throwing me on the box spring ( i have a nice little scar from where the spring hit me) but now i have sisters that are younger than my children. you wouldnt support me or my mother but now that youre with her you have nothing to do with me and give them everything you didnt give me. i know its because i remind you of mom. i know how the rest of the family feels about me. what right do you all have to judge me? i work hard,have a loving husband, and two beautiful children but yet im the black sheep just because of my ideas and tattoos. the only family member that ever stood by me was pop and hes gone. i dont resent you anymore. i pity you because you are living the biggest farce of anyone i know. i get joy out of thinking about how my sisters will put you through more hell than i ever could have. mom's husband is a far better dad to me than you ever were. his family loves me and cares for me the way i am, which is more than i could ask from you or your clan. i wont mourn you when you pass because i know all the pain you caused me in this lifetime will haunt you in the afterlife.
Jun 29 2008, 05:33 PM
What's going on?? I'm here for you, please talk to me, don't push me away, don't bury this or ignore it. you've been like this for months. I've been through it, I know.
Jun 29 2008, 06:24 PM
A letter I can never send, because I know he's scum and I should stay away:
Oh, Paul. This is why I only used to have friends. I make it very difficult for people to stay by my side. They have to be very determined, and I don't blame the ones who give up or decide I'm not worth it. Now that we've both hurt each other as much as two people possibly can, where are we? Would it take a miracle for us to be friends now? Or, now that all our flaws are so completely exposed, do we finally understand each other?
I was always going to tell her about us. I was guilty too, and I had to redeem myself. I say "had to" but just like your choice to have an affair, I made a very conscious decision knowing my actions could end whatever kind thoughts for me you had left. I couldn't be your friend before, because I knew a friend would not do that to you, would not betray your trust. And now I cannot apologize because I would not go back and change my mind.
I fully understand if you hate me forever. I made my choice, and I anticipated you would not be keen on being my friend much longer. I did, however, want to clarify one important thing. You said I'd been through difficult times, and you could not help me with that. I never asked for nor required your help, Paul. I am very sure of that. Because though I've been on this Earth five years shorter than you, I have learned the very real lesson that only you can truly overcome your own problems. No one else can do that for you, and it is unfair to ask that of people--be they family, friend or love. In the end, you are responsible for yourself.
That does not mean the world has to be a lonely place as you'd said. Friends are the most precious things in the world. They cannot solve your problems for you, but they can listen and they can help. At the least, they are people you can confide in and people you can laugh with. I know you think you cannot ever laugh with me or confide in me again, but can you remember why you were so honest with me in the first place? Finding a friend with whom you truly connect, with whom you share that strange loneliness (your words), that is something rare.
I broke your trust once, knowing full well I might prevent you from ever fully trusting someone again. I could never do that twice. I do not ask for your forgiveness, and I am only asking for your friendship once.
You can reject my offer now. I have no delusions that you would even want to associate yourself with me. But know the offer always stands.
Jun 29 2008, 07:30 PM
dear a -
I think that you are really cute and really nice. and two of my friends, who are also your good friends, know that I kinda have a crush on you - and they're totally into the idea of the possibility of me trying it on with you. Honestly, I have no idea if you even think anything about me other than I'm just one of the friends in the circles that you run in. But on the off chance that you might..... you have to know I'm older than you, but I don't think you probably have an idea of exactly how much older. I'm kinda freaked out by that, not because I think we wouldn't have anything in common, but because you gotta know that if we were to get involved and it were to go beyond a date or two, there's a whole lot of implications that go along with getting involved with someone my age. So I don't know if I even want to put my toe in the pond, so to speak. I don't know that it's worth it - it's much easier to just not. I'm old enough to know that. Plus I don't even know how you feel about the older woman thing. I get the feeling you might get totally freaked out by the idea. Like I said, I don't even know if you've noticed me in that way. But you are so fucking nice. I need someone nice. and you're fun and funny and talented. deadly combination for me. Anyway, that's what I think.
it would be cool if you've even remotely considered anything about me, though.. heh.
Jun 29 2008, 10:41 PM
Why are you talking to M? Huh? Do you not remember the shit she pulled? She drank you out of house & home. She fucked the one guy you liked in a one nighter, thereby making him totally gross. She lied to you constantly. She borrowed your clothes only to never return them. She always picked guys over her friends. You had to bail her out dozens of times. The repeated drunken phonecalls. Don't be stupid! You've successfully avoided both D & H. You need to ignore M, too.
Jul 1 2008, 09:11 AM
Dear People Who Feel the Need to Congregate Near MY Cubicle After a Meeting in the Conference Room:
You just had a meeting! Feel free to follow up elsewhere. You are loud, obnoxious and inconsiderate of others. I don't care that you think "just because this section is relatively empty I can be as loud as I want to be". Migrate and chat with "inside voices" towards the elevator or another part of the floor. We are in a high profile, professional environment, and you should act accordingly.
Jul 1 2008, 03:45 PM
Just let things BE for now.. you will feel better once you start work. I know you are keeping your fingers crossed for the resort position, but know that the store can be of benefit to you. Please know that if you work out, stop smoking, and avoid alcoholic beverages at this time, you will feel more in control during this transition.
And make a committment to finding a hobby that engrosses you. You will reap pleasure in that, and not rely on others to entertain you (Mr. Luv). I know you are concerned about him being on the computer in what seems ALL the time, but i am sure in time he will realize that there is a world beyond that... with you. doing activities with you. You just have to initiate it. by example. It has snapped him out of it before.
It's sad that you adhere to "out of sight out of mind". That's just great. You still thrive off that scene. lame.
Optimism and an open mind could seriously do you some good. I hate that cynical, complacent bullshit you throw out with options foreign to you. Just because you aren't familiar with something does not automatically mean that you must scratch it off. Don't place assumptions that are not based in fact. Stick with the familiar, right? Heaven forbid you discover something better or worse. Take a risk. Where is your sense of adventure? geez you annoy the piss outta me sometimes.
Seriously, it's very unbecoming. and it bores me to tears.
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness. Broad, wholesome, charitable views cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth." — Mark Twain
Jul 1 2008, 10:12 PM
Dear punk rock and feminism,
You saved my life.
Jul 2 2008, 09:57 AM
now you've gone and done it.
you knew it was a bad idea,
but you had to do it anyways.
this time, you lit that fuse.
up in flames, up in smoke.
now that the scab is peeled,
the wound reopened
the pain refreshed,
and now that bitter taste is fresh in your mouth...
up in flames, up in smoke.
what are you going to do?
from this vantage point
this paradise isn't as lush
as 24 hours ago. cinders.
up in flames, up in smoke.
now you remember clearly the b*****s that jumped on you,
without knowing the whole story, ready to talk shit,
all those flames, blowing smoke.
so cocksure you were in the wrong
not bothering to find out
why you reacted so strongly.
and another home goes
up in flames, up in smoke.
feels like you'll never find it
a place just for you
to feel at ease instead
and other dream gone,
up in flames, up in smoke.
so now, as you take those steps
away from this place,
trying not to look back
it's gone. all of it.
up in flames. up in smoke.
Jul 2 2008, 03:39 PM
so things are looking a teensy bit brighter this week, right? just a teensy bit?
let's just hope last week was rock bottom. as rock bottom as it'll ever get, okay? because the depression, the crying, the sleeping...it isn't you. you used to be such an optimist. i know life has kicked the shit out of you for an entire year (and counting), but it'll get better soon. it has to. so no more doom and gloom, no more locking yourself up in your dark room for days on end. deal?
dear life: fuck you.
dear bank of america: fuck you, too.
i think your new music helped pull me out of my funk (although, granted, your old music was the soundtrack to my depression, too, so...). either way it's all good. thanks, man.
Jul 2 2008, 04:23 PM
t's got a big mouth. she made me swear not to tell you it was her who spilled the beans, and i won't. but i just thought i'd tell you: i know. you know how that place is, people blurting stuff out without even thinking, so how did you think it wouldn't get back to me that bitch-in-law and baby niece stopped by your office at lunchtime? i know you went out with them, and that it was supposedly the magic hour where baby bro was guaranteed to pick up the phone and you could talk to him. and i can't believe you'd be so fucking selfish. yeah, that's right, i'm calling you a selfish fucking bitch. and if you think going with baby niece to the zoo tomorrow is going to make up for it, you're dead wrong.
i know what you're going to say, too. "but i'm her grandmother, i deserve to have some time with her without you and c-monkey tagging along". yeah, you do. that's why you've flown out twice in the last six months to see her. it's been longer than that since i've seen her (i'm not counting that fiasco at easter, let's just not go there, hmm?), and i never get to see her for the hour or however long bitch-in-law deigns to give us, nevermind the days you get, without you tagging along.
"but you were at work, what was i supposed to do?"
you were supposed to call me, instead of slinking out all shady-like. and i was supposed to say "hey bossman, baby niece is here, and i have a chance to talk to my bro, albeit via a shitty overseas connection, you mind if i cut out early?".
and he would have said, "your brother's over in iraq right now, isn't he? and i know you've been talking for a while about your niece being in town this week. i don't like leaving your areas without coverage, but i know this is a rare opportunity, and you've been busting your ass covering for the people who've been out sick this week. yeah, sure, go and have a good time, we can get by without you for an hour."
cause bossman's cool like that.
which is more than i can say for you right now.
i'll see you when you get home from work and drop c-monkey off. and if you even try to pretend like it was just a regular day at the office and nothing exciting happened, well...just don't. just. fucking. don't.
Jul 5 2008, 05:53 AM
You need to be writing down all the questions you have for the doctor so you don't forget them on Tuesday. For some reason he makes you forget everything in your head when he swings by. We need to know if this is chronic or accute for sure & need to ask for the right tests.
I'm sorry I didn't call you when I went to the hospital. But you are a hover-er & would have given me no peace when I just wanted to sleep & be miserable. Plus, I don't know your number by heart.
I'm also sorry that this is how you found out I changed the locks. I've only seen you once since then & it wasn't a good time to talk.
But you need to know this is my house now. And my rules. And I am rocking some rules right now that you're *really* not gonna like. If you can't stick with them then you are persona non grata.
Oh, & it was really cute the way you left your key in the lock as some sort of statement.
Jul 5 2008, 01:28 PM
I'm back from vacation. Mr. Pugs and I had a wondeful time. We drank, ate, lounged in the pool, went to the boardwalk, played mini gulf, took naps, had great sex and much more. It was a much needed break from our daily routine. However, I must say that I'm glad to be home. Happy to have my own shower back, my own bed and of course my puppies home with me. I missed you all and just did a quick scan of all the posts I've missed the past week. I have dirty laundry to wash and other stuff to unpack. Mr. Pug's and my parents are stopping by tonight to visit. We have no food in the house so I'm going to be doing laundry tomorrow and grocery shopping. So I don't think I'll be back on till Monday afternoon. Just wanted to say hi to you all and tell you all that I missed you. Hope you all had a good week.
Jul 7 2008, 09:27 AM
chill. you had a great weekend, why so crabby today? stop yelling, take a deep breath and settle down. pms is not a good excuse to snarl at everyone in your way. neither is this vicious humidity. or uncooperative children. or equally cranky spouses. if you can't handle it, go beg the mr to watch the kids for a bit and go back to bed. just chill.
Jul 7 2008, 03:37 PM
Dear Hiring Powers at TCC,
I know the position was just posted yesterday, but PLEASE don't take too long to call Mr. Pixie for an interview! It would be so nice for him to already have a job when we leave on vacation. And as much as I joked yesterday abotu him runnign home for a midweek interview....It's not really a joke. He'd do it if needed. Please don't keep us in supense that long ok?
Jul 7 2008, 04:27 PM
Please shut up.
Jul 8 2008, 07:27 AM
QUOTE(culturehandy @ Jul 7 2008, 06:44 PM)
Please shut up.
You crack me up.
Jul 8 2008, 09:48 AM
Pugs, hee hee.
Ilove my mother, I think she's a great lady, but when her mother drives herbatty she comes and vents to me and that in turn drives me battier.
Jul 10 2008, 06:40 AM
dear work -
you can't really get bummed at me for not being able to cover all the basses in this project when 1) you have given me less than 1/2 the staff I should have to do this 2) you've not given me any mode of transportation to get around the area where the project is, so I'm forced to walk - and therefore can only pay attention little bits 3) you don't seem to give a shit about trying to get me the transportation I need to do this even remotely right 4) I can't be in 5 places at once.
if you'd just fucking listen to me and give me a fucking vehicle, I could handle about 3 times the things I'm handling now. but you aren't.
Oh, and asking me to move some of that stuff "across the road, and you can just carry it because it's light" is bullshit. 1) I'm 5 fucking 4 and that shit is as long as I am tall 2) you're the one that is so into safety shit and you're telling me to carry it down the road without help or a vehicle?????
Jul 10 2008, 10:14 AM
you have been batted around quite a bit lately, haven't you? tsk. well that's too bad. but well, crying about it aint gonna get you fuck all, is it? there is a reason that you chose the name girl trouble, and it wasn't because things suck. it was because you wanted to give fair warning to those who wanted to fuck with you, you weren't gonna play nicey-nice. that you were gonna go after shit, that you were gonna fuck shit up. that you weren't gonna be passive. you weren't gonna be defensive. that you'd progressed from being tuff tittys, to a menace. that you were gonna be that person you admired. that you were gonna grow into her. that you'd do what was needed, grit your teeth and beat the hell out of whatever came next. that you could survive anything, cos you've been thru shit storms before and another one? fuck, another one was just breakfast, and lunch is coming quick. you've gone soft. you've let your guard down. it is any wonder that you caught one in your snotbox? that your glass jaw is shattered? fuck you, chica, take your fucking head out of your ass. no more crying, no more whining. let's throw out this hyper-acuity, in favor of they way you used to see things, this shit now? tsk. it's a small thing. it will pass. look further. right now it's strictly chin down, guard up, and look for that chink in the armor. don't just sit there, dumbass, grow into me. it takes guts, it takes passion, it takes strength. and if i didn't think you had it in you, i never would have chosen this path. it was the idea of me that made you pick this life. it is what has always been the thing that made you better. don't forget me. i'm your goal. you are way, way stronger, tougher, brighter that you ever give yourself credit for. it's time to stop beating up on yourself, and start beating up on them.
remember the mottos kitty gave you, back in the days when you were so scared? 'toughen up!' or 'get strong'?
don't be scared. i got a new one for you:
let's fuck 'em up!
with a shit eating grin and faith,
-next year's Trouble
Jul 10 2008, 02:57 PM
Please read Gt's letter a good thousand times and apply to self where applicable.
Also, I am proud of you for scrubbing the bathroom floor so vigorously cause not only does it look like it should, but you got to work out some stress doing it. A cleansing ritual, if you will. It's the small things.
Do everything in your power to forge and hold strong to yourself, your needs, interests, desires. Listen to a bunch of good ambient music and take some deep breaths and say "Do not compromise that spirit for anyone". If you don't feel like pulling weeds at the moment (small things, remember), then you just don't. You don't have to report to anyone or explain yourself. Watch out for people who try to tell YOU who you are.
Further, there is always a way out if you are unhappy. You don't have to listen to mom and move to no-where land if things don't work out. Give this your best shot, and if it falters... then hit up your bestest gay pal in hotlanna as a potential roomie.
But DO try. and get off your butt and go lay on the beach and do a crossword puzzle.
as GT said, it was the idea of me that made you pick this life.
Jul 10 2008, 10:36 PM
Dear kidney stone,
Jul 11 2008, 09:46 AM
Dear job gods,
Yeah, destroying my computer is going to make this search much easier. While you're at it, why don't you just run over my flash drive with my resume on it so I'm really screwed?
Dear AZ Guy,
Um, I thought I said we needed to talk to each other less. So why are you asking me to go down to New Mexico to visit you?
Jul 11 2008, 10:38 AM
Dear Auntie K,
I hate your husband. Well, maybe hate is a strong word. I deeply dislike your husband.
I don't know exactly what it is about me that pisses him off so much. Is it because my parents were smart enough to stop at one child instead of his insistence on three? Is it the economic advantage that having only one child in a two income household provided? Is it because I got out of this shithole & started living an art kind of life & was moderately successful at it? What is it about me that rankles him so? What did I do that was so wrong?
All I know is that I'm not going to be nice to him out of deference to you anymore. He's insulted me so many times in the past six months that I am officially over it. The gloves are off & if he wants to get down redneck style, I will.
My home is just that. MY HOME. His home is his & he can do whatever he likes in it, but if he starts stepping into mine & passing laws I will fuck him up with a quickness.
Jul 12 2008, 08:06 AM
dear you -
I realize I just talked about me for the few minutes we talked yesterday when I ran into you. I didn't ask you about yourself at all. I think it's probably because I know that when you ask someone about themselves, you're opening yourself to them, and I just can't. I can't open myself to you because - well, because that thing is still there. It's always going to be there. It's not going to go away. No matter how "weird" anything gets, when we're around each other, it's not weird. Even if we're both putting up a wall, it's not like the walls with other people. It's always so comfortable and easy. Even with things being shit.
Yes, I probably am pushing you away, not intentionally, but just by being so distant. It's not what I want to do at all. But I just can't go there - I have to protect myself. I'm already kinda funky today after yesterday, because I played it so cool and didn't let you in.. imagine where I'd probably end up emotionally if I did.
I know you know EXACTLY what I mean. You know this all. You can run but you can't hide. Doesn't mean that it will resolve in this lifetime, but you know that it's there, and I know it.
Jul 12 2008, 10:44 AM
me: honey, ___'s not worth your precious time.
me: do i send this e-mail or no?
me: i didn't send this
me: is it okay for me to send this?
back to the awesome book i'm reading,
Jul 13 2008, 04:02 PM
I thought you were gone. Boy, was I wrong. You turn up right when I think you'll stay the hell away!
I wish murder could be legal for a day. I'd so kill you. I have 8 bits of lead I'm dying to put in you.
Are things really so bad with your life that you have to show your face around here? Are there no women who will have you? I suppose not, and it doesn't really surprise me, as you're a great big pathetic, lonely creep.
Please Go Drown Yourself,
P.S - Stay the hell away from my room! I don't care if you want to tell me about an available cat! Leave a message with my mom! Geez!
Jul 14 2008, 06:47 PM
you're amazing. Don't change.
Dear my boy, my sweet wonderful friend.
I wish I could make you feel better. I wish I could hug you and make it go away. Thank you for telling me and thank you for being comfortable with opening up to me. I've often thought about what it would be like if we dated. I'd like that, but I'd be afraid that I'd lose your friendship. Yours is one that means so much to me. You mean so much to me. I love, admire and respect you and our friendship so much. You have been of the forefront of my mind, I worry about you so. I now know that you know I care about you and am worried about you. more, I will be here for you no matter what. I will be here if you need to talk, scream yell or cry. You know I will do this without judgement and without labelling you.
I love you as much as I can love a friend, I consider you one of my nearest and dearest. I wouldn't trade this or you for the world.
Jul 14 2008, 09:18 PM
To my coworkers both here and at the other place,
Could a few more of you please be my friend again? I can't stand this.
Jul 14 2008, 11:38 PM
Please please please don't make any more stones, Please don't get infected any more, and please respond to the cipro. I can't afford to go to the hospital any more. Give me a break okay!
Jul 15 2008, 10:00 AM
Dear Mom and Dad,
I can't take this anymore. My life has been in limbo since January-the 23rd, to be exact-when you told me you were separating. But what have you done? Dad has stayed in hotels a few times, never lasting more than a week. Mom has gone to Ohio to be with family, saying she would be gone for one excruciating week which was extended into two, on a whim, without asking how that would affect me or anyone else. I know it's hard, and it hurts, but it hurts me too. And it hurts me in a different way-I have to deal with the pain I feel, and I have to witness and even bear the pain both of you feel. You can't stop your life and mine just because you're sad, otherwise these past six months would just be a blank spot in my history. You have to keep going, and you have to make decisions. Don't tell me you're seperating, then continue to live in the same house and even sleep in the same bed. Don't say you want to stay together as dad and I drive around, looking for an apartment for him. Make a decision. If you make one decision now, you don't have to stick with it forever. You can separate without being divorced, or you can stay together without having to be stuck with one another for the rest of your lives. I need some stability. Do you realize how hard it is for me to get up and get ready for school in the morning when I can hear you two screaming at one another in your bedroom? Do you honestly think that locking yourselves in the bathroom and running the water can drown out the words you say? I never know what each day is going to bring. Will today be okay, with us all laughing and watching a movie in the evening? Will there be a screaming match that results in tears, packed bags, and empty threats of leaving? It's hard, trying to maintain a semblance of a normal life while constantly walking on eggshells. I know that my life will never be the same. I wish more than anything that everything would go back to normal, but it won't so I try not to waste too much of my time. I just want some stability; if not a normal life, then at least a sane one. It's impossible for me to be the adult in our family, to be the one not crying. What did I do to be burdened with this responsibility? I'm 17 years old. I'm trying to do college applications, keep my grades up (which, by the way, is something you should consider before you get mad at me about my grades. Babysitting Mom and cleaning the house while she drinks and cries doesn't leave a lot of time for homework or projects. I know shit hit the fan this last semester, but you have no right to say anything. At least I didn't fail any classes. I'll be okay no matter what, my future is still safe.), be with my friends. I can't mediate these arguments, I shouldn't have to.
I want you to treat me like an adult in that I can handle my own shit like school and such, but don't forget that I'm still your kid. I don't want to know every detail of the situation at hand, I don't want to have to be the mediator in our house, I can't be a buffer.
I love both of you so much. I mean, you two are my best friends. I have the best time with you two and am glad that we're so close. No matter what happens, I won't stop loving either of you. Just please, if only for my sake, do something. Any decision is better than just being suspended here in air so thick with pain and uneasiness I can hardly breathe.
Jul 15 2008, 11:12 AM
I know you don't know me, but I'm a Mom ( my daughter is a little younger than you) and a married woman too.. and I think you should print 2 copies of that letter off and leave them (seperately & non-confrontationally) for both of your parents to find & read.
your words were so articulate & so full of feeling without judgment, I know if my frecklette ever wrote something like that to us when the mr & I fought, it would certainly have a sobering affect & return to reality.
your parents really have a wonderful daughter;
Jul 15 2008, 02:14 PM
kitten, I'm stealing yor letter.