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QUOTE(papermate @ Jun 3 2008, 05:04 AM) *


And here's hoping that Starshine's social worker got off her butt and did her job protecting the kid! (((crossing fingers)))

*keeping my fingers crossed for that kid, too*

Dear GT,

Keep your mind on the things that you want. If you want be peace, peace is a coming!

dear doodlebug,

you are so fucking earnest. haven't you learned anything by now?

Dear PTB,

Please allow this to happen. I really want this. Please, more than I wanted the other. This is what I truly want.


Dear exboy,

It won't surprise me if you try to sabatoge every attempt I making to be where I want to be. Remember the abd karma this is going to be. Just because you are unhappy with where things ended up doesn't mean you need to spread the hate. If you do, I will humilate you with HR and air some dirty fucking laundry.


Double fucking post.

Dear rain gods,
Please, just let it dump on northeastern Minnesota tomorrow, especially where I am. Nobody here wants to hike ten miles through swamps.

--one tired employee

Dear r,
Uh, I really don't know what to say.

Seriously, I don't know what to say. I'm afraid that you won't understand the words "I moved, don't call me in the daytime." I want to help, but I'm kinda limited as to what I can do up here, and I'm afraid you won't understand that. I'm afraid of getting in too deep for me to handle and well, I really don't have anyone to help out for this. I hope you have some other resources, because I am a really shitty one.


Dear coworker,
Dude, you worry me. I don't like being compared to your ex, and it makes me think you don't like me all that much. All I want is to get through this project, go onto the next one, and die.

I'm sick to the fucking bone of your pretensions.
I know, you're really precious about your art and all, but I have to tell you, that you sound like everyone else.

They tell me that I'm an artist sometimes, but I'm at a point, where I don't feel flattered by this anymore.

O.k. I do soundchecks for you.
This is just a thing I do, to LEARN something.
It's not like I get fucking paid for it.

I love the concept of my friends little venue, to give new talents a chance to present their songs.

Just because we do something that is considered "cool" doesn't mean we are lofty bohemians.
We are very fucking idealistic, and we struggle with serious poverty issues.

Please stop writing me ten fucking e-mails, because your sound was slightly distorted.
Do not argue with us, if we have made a deal, that gigs end at 11 pm.
We're not petty, it's always been like this.
The customers like to know, at what time gigs start, and at what time the DJ starts.
Yes, sorry, not all customers come to see you.

I do not like to get insulted by a precious diva, who is fucking LATE for soundcheck, and feels "pressured" because I tell them that we have a strict time schedule.

I have no sympathy for your vanities anymore.
90 % of you are white, male, middle class suburban babies.
Get a fucking life, before you write songs about it.

Yours hatefully (I don't care, if it's bad English...)

the soundbitch.
dear migranies,

why must you visit so often? have you considered the fact that my imitrex is too expensive for the frequency that you've chosen?????

dear buddha (my feline friend)

i love you more than i ever thought possible to love a pet

dear fiancee,

this is a hard chapter in our relationship but i am in no way planning on giving up on us, i am in love with you and excited for the new life we will share.

P.S. i LOVE cooking for you!!!!!!
Dear rain gods,

Fuck you.

One pissed off person who just got back from hiking through twelve miles of swamps
mr t,

you are driving me nuts. as much as i love your quirkyness, and how you find something and become obsessed, but this thing with the chickens, you were supposed to start with 2, but in the first week you bought 4 more and today you want to get 5 more. i know i'm a handful, and i know you are one, but this just feels like it's only a couple more straws till the camel's back is broke.


why have i never dated you? when i am free you are off doing something, and vice versa. hanging out with you on thurs, i just sooooo crushed out on you. your sense of humor, and things you say... you're pretty amazing. perhaps i'm just skiddish about you cos you are one of my best friends, one of the few people who knew me when i was a boy, and who think this thing i'm trying to do is cool. or maybe it's cos i know i'm a lot to take. i guess i know i'm not for everybody, and as cool as i think we'd be together in the good times, i still have so much shit to work thru, and i don't think you'd have patience for it, so as fun, smart, attractive as you are, maybe it's better that we're just friends.

Dear Career Gods,
Fate has some ugly twists sometimes. Mr. P was certainly happy enough to stay in his position even though he is finished with his Master's degree. But since that's gone, Can you please let him hear back from teh jobs that he is uniquely qualified for that pay so much better? The interview monday is nice...and almost comical in an ironic way, but I would be forever grateful if he would make enough money that I didn't have to work and could go back to school myself!

mr. t:

we had an agreement. you decided that you would do things your way, and stretch the deadline. this goes to your habit of choosing your obsession over me.

when i met you, the house you lived in was a shit hole, it was bad, having only known you for a week, i busted my ass to help you move into your new house. this one was yours, you'd own it. and we plotted and planned on ways to keep it clean, to keep it from turning into a shit hole too. but we had some things working against us: your ex, who pretty much destroys everything he touches, makes messes, and claims he didn't and who was only sporatically employed. i loved your loyalty, but the choices you were making things difficult. we were working up hill already, but we tried.

when your dog of 14 years died, my heart broke along with yours, but when you recovered, you decided you wanted to get an english mastiff, a great big dog breed, but a messy one, sloppy and drooly and the wrong pick for someone with a cronically messy house. but you pressed ahead. no matter what i said.

your ex and i fought like cats and dogs, and we cleaned only to have the messes work their way back. then you adopted the feral pregnant mama cat in the neighborhood, and wanted to keep 3 of the kittens for yourself. luckily you got it down to one. i tried every trick in the book to keep your place clean, but between your ex and your growing zoo of two cats and a dog, and your ex adopting strays, your ex's kid, and the kid you both mutually adopted, and her 2 kids i was losing patience. on one hand, it was good to have family, since for all intents and purposes, i have none. but the drama that came with it.... fuck. what was i thinking. i had never had a girlfriend i fought with, and we were constantly fighting. that should have been a sign. since my transition i had been weeding out friends that brought drama into my life, and in dating you i got it all back.

so that, trust issues and other things chased me away, and i broke up with you. again. but you told me you'd always be there for me, and i'd always have a family, and i guess i was homesick, because i found myself back with you again. your ex, and friends told me they were mad at me for breaking up with you, but they don't have to put up with the drama, with the mess, with the fighting, and in trying to make things good. and in working on your life, i've let mine fall to shit. i've neglected my friends, and my apartment, and i'm at the end of my rope.

yes, i love you.
yes, i have a great time with you.

but i don't know if i am willing to sacrifice my life while you keep sabotaging yours and pulling mine down with yours. this weekend we fought about you getting 5 more chickens, and no matter what i said, no matter what agreements you and i made, you broke them, and this morning you asked me if i was going with you to get the birds, i told you i would not. this morning i stepped square in the middle of an avocado that you gave to your dog, and you thought it was funny. it wasn't. if anything it was a slap in the face that woke me up. this year was the year i wanted to get my life together. when i was going to fix up my place so i could feel comfortable entertaining friends there, keep it clean and have a place to work on my projects. but i've been working on your life, trying to keep the chaos at bay. i told you you were making choices and we fought again. you said you were just trying to make a little money on the side, since your ex is getting laid off, and you need more money to keep the house. but as i said, you're making choices, and this one is the chickens over me, the house over me. funny thing is, you've made your choice, but i'm not mad. i just know it's time for me to make mine.

i'm tired of being in a relationship full of drama. i'm tired of listened to but ultimately ignored. i don't want to constantly fight with the one i love. i have always thought that relationships were about each partner encouraging and helping each other, building each other up, but i feel my life has been getting the short end of the stick. and this year was supposed to be the opposite. i've tried it again with you. and when you get back with those chickens, i'll wait till our scheduled time of 4pm to talk. and if i have any stones, i'll tell you, i'm breaking up with you again, for the last time. you've made your choice, and now it's time for me to make mine. i'm choosing to take my life back.



Good luck hun.

Here's hoping your 4pm talk went as well as it could, and that you got the conclusions you needed.

(((Je Ne Sais Pas)))

Migraines suck!!! I had them all the time before I went Gluten-free in my diet, and now that I'm taking a particular anti-seizure med (can I say the name or is that against the rules?) my headaches are almost non-existent. Here's hoping it gets better, and quickly!
Dear E,

You are a slimeball and SO don't deserve her. She's a beautiful, sweet, loving and caring young lady. She's about to leave highschool and step in to the scary real world and what is she most stressed about? You and your fucking attitude problem. How DARE you make her feel less than with your nasty remarks and headgames. She thinks she's in love with you and I know that bashing you to her will only close the door on our open communication. But make no mistake, fucko, I say things to her about how a real man treats his partner. Oh yeah, and when she is with the boy and I, I can see her watching how we treat eachother. I know she had had shit examples in her own home, but at leasts he is seeing something resembling a functional relationship now. You better watch yourself, she's quite a catch and you just aren't so much one yourself. She may may appear docile, but she really isn't. She's a bull, son. And remember, if you mess with the bull sooner or later you get the horns.

Her *very* protective Auntie.

P.S. If I could run your ass over in a dark alley and get away with it, I probably would.
dear universe -

alright alright, could you make it any more clear already? I get it. Fuck.


Dear You,

Well, isn't that lovely.


Dear C,

How could you jump to conclusions and say something to him??? I had to do damage control, now I won't get to experience it all.



Dear A,

People ae fishing, fuck them. if you're going to fall into that trap, then you are as intelligent as I thought you were.

Dear Mom,
Today, I found out you have breast cancer.
I always thought that someday, into the future, we would make amends.
I'm terrified that you're going to die.
Even though my childhood was traumatic,
there were good times too.
And I'm sorry I got sick of dealing with you and my father.
It was mostly just him that I hated-but I know you suffered for him.
I know you suffered with him.
I'm sorry, Mom.



Dear precious childless womb,

I'm not sure why all these crazy people around me don't get it that I'm not trying to be knocked up any time soon. Its not something I desire. Its not something that appeals to me right now. I'm perfectly content being childless at this moment, and thank God for birth control. The next person that asks me when I'm going to get pregnant, I am going to give them a very vulgar answer. that is all.

Dear G-d and Karma,

Thank you so much for sending B and eliminating M from my working life!
Dear A,

Why would you send me a text like that? I'm so confused.


Dear Universe,

You just had to send this to me didn't you.

Dear M-
i'm so sad, because i saw a little bit of me in you. we're both sad bastards, but when we were together, life was just a little bit less shitty. but you can't or won't give me what i need. so please. don't call me. forget about me so i can forget about you.

dear you -

who the fuck do you think you are? your best fucking friend didn't even know. I never want to fucking talk to you again. At least for a long time.

oh, and fuck your stupid wussy ass e-card.


You're down to 86 pounds??

I'm sending a note to your spirit guides NOW that it's time for you to go Home.

((((mom)))) I love you. Go, already!!
Dear L.

I wish that I had someone who I could really tell this stuff to-someone who would listen and not look uncomfortable and try to change the subject.

I wish that there was one person with whom I didn't have to keep pretending with; someone who didn't expect me to always succeed and be cheerful and funny and never serious. I wish that when I feel like the floor is sliding out from underneath me, and I'm struggling to maintain the image of me that everyone else sees and expects me to be all the time, that they would wrap me in their arms and I could let the facade drop. I wish that whatever I was feeling, I could feel and be exactly what I want to without rearranging my expression to make sure no one suspects.

Most of all, I wish that I could actually tell them this without fear of them thinking I'm pathetic, needy, attention-seeking. And that when I find them I could tell my friends how I really feel, who I really am, and this person could help them understand in ways I never can...

I hoped that it would be you, but I saw your expression when I started to talk, and I knew that you didn't want to be that person, I understand. Whoever this person is has a monumentous task ahead of them, they'll have to listen to self-pity and groundless fears, and who wants that? But I do wish you'd been less reluctant, because I think what I said to you was the closest I'll ever come to telling anyone, and I don't think I'll ever find someone I trust like I trust you.
Dear W,

Something's gotta give. Seriously. I gotta say my peace here & I swear to god if you give me that kicked puppy bullshit things will be so much worse for us both. It no longer makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel resentful.

When you get drunk (As you often do.) your main rallying cry is, "You don't know how much I miss your mother." Well, I do. If I didn't I'd have told you to fuck off a long time ago. If one of my chosen associates had pulled half the shit you've pulled on me, they'd have quite a few fresh assholes by now. But I tolerate you because I know you've not been alone in thirty years & after you hooked up with mother you essentially devoted your entire life to her. I'll never understand why you thought that was a good idea or why she didn't tell you more about her condition so you'd be better prepared, but it's too late for that now.

Also note I said "chosen associates" above. I picked my people to be my family, my mother chose you to be her family. Basically this is a friendship of circumstance, pure & simple. We have very little in common ( Hello, homophobia much?) outside of mum & booze & grilling shit & reading. And even there we are completely disparate in our opinions. It may make me an asshole, but I'm bigger than this place & you are not.

I do appreciate all the help you have given me since I got here. I DO. Taking out the trash, letting me borrow the shop vac, icing the porch, shoveling the walk, helping with lawncare, gassing up the car, dinner, drinks, bowling, etc. You're a good shit.

I've even been watering your tomaters!

All that being said, it's been six months. It's time for boundaries. And you aren't going to like them, but I don't much care. I need to preserve my fucking sanity here.

1) THIS IS MY HOUSE, NOT YOURS. You will NO LONGER just use your key & walk right in. You will ring the bell or knock on the door & wait for it to be answered. We've had a few too many close calls for you not to. I don't want you to see my snatch anymore than you want to see it. I will change the locks on you with a quickness.

2) PICK UP A GODDAMNED PHONE EVERY SINGLE TIME BEFORE YOU COME HERE. AND NOT WHEN YOU'RE ONLY FIVE MILES OUT. I've told you I don't do the pop-in, but you do it anyway because you know I'll feel bad because I know how much gas costs, so I'll relent & let you in.

3) IF YOU GET DRUNK, DON'T COME HERE. YOU ARE ANNOYING & MAUDLIN. The back bedroom is a part of MY house. She's dead, you no longer live here. I am tired of after eleven pm drunken phonecalls & even worse your just showing up housed. I'm not running a flophouse, sleep it off in your fucking truck.

4) I OFTEN DO NOT APPRECIATE YOUR SPONTANAEOUS NATURE. Sure, it's nice when you show up with food. It is. But you always spring it on me at the last minute, dang it. I have a pretty set meal plan & you screw up my careful planning. Plus, you never met a vegetable that you actually liked, so it's a meatstravaganza that invariably goes to waste because you buy 10lbs of whatever's on sale.

5) GET BACK ONBOARD WITH YOUR LIFE! You always talk about your great friend, Gary, then you say you haven't talked to him in more than a year. You talk about a lot of great friends, but I have yet to see any of them. The people at the bar are just that: people at the bar. You need to start socializing with people that are more like you & not in an alcohol heavy situation. We went bowling, we had fun. Imagine what it'd be like if it was you & some buddies yukking it up instead of just you & me . . .

I guess that's about the size of it, then. I feel so much better now that I've got that off my chesticles. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but we've already established a pattern that I feel is unhealthy. I can't be your touchstone to things past, neither can the pooch. It's emotionally confusing for us both.

Dear J,

Tonight, I heard that your brother overdosed about a month ago. I hope and pray that this will wake you up, but unfortunately I think that you will soon follow your beloved brother. You. Loved. Him. There's no question about it. And you'd follow him to the end of the earth and hell and back. And when he got on that shit, that is exactly what you did, followed him.

Your fucking ghost haunts me. I have not seen you in ten years. You suck so bad for that. The two times I did see you, (I think it was you, that one time at the bus stop, I know for sure it was you, with that blonde wig on, yeah bitch that was you) you pretended not to see me. What are you so afraid of? I miss you. I'd just love to speak and laugh with you again, like back in the days.

I hope that you are not in pain tonight. K and I will be here for you when, if you find the light again. I've got some resources for you.

I still got love for you,

Dear P,

When we get together, I always have a magnificent time. Things are different with you know, not in a bad way, but I know there is something going on. you admitted the same to me. You admitted that you are off, I can tell. I am concerned, please talk to me if you need. Our friendship, while not exactly the most conventional, means a great deal to me. You mean a great deal to me. You and I both know that we are in trouble if one of us starts dating, we are unable to keep our hands off of each other. No matter how hard I try, my mind does wander back to you.

I want to say thank you for being there for me, and for us having good times. You really have enriched my life. My dear, I can truly say that I love you as a friend. You have had a tremendous impact on my life. Thank you.

Dear G

I think I might be the luckiest person, ever. you're a fucking star and I don't know what I'd do without you in my life. I love you

Dear W,

The straw done gone & broke the proverbial camel's back. The locksmith is on his way. You'll be locked out by two pm. Hope you're happy now because it's game on motherfucker. And that shit is on like Red Dawn!


Dear H,

The fuck is wrong with you? I stopped talking to you, what? Five, four years ago? Why haven't you figured out that I DON'T LIKE YOU & DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU?! I feel like Cameron, "He'll keep calling me, he'll keep calling me, he'll make me feel guilty, ARGH!" Not this time! Did it not seem odd that I DIDN'T answer the phone when you called after my mom died? That I didn't send you a thank you card for that letter (Which seemed to be written by a twelve year old, BTW. Dumbass!) & card you sent? I didn't want to encourage contact, but there you went again. Do I actually have to tell you to fuck right off?


Dear AP,

It's hard to not stifle a giggle when you call W a motherfucker, isn't it? Cos he was your mother's fucker!

Dear S,
Sometimes the shit you pull leaves me speechless. why on earth would you want to harass him that way and put your child and husband in jeopardy? You are immature and clearly need some help dealing with the past trauma. I feel powerless and worry for F. All I can do is try to be there and if you ever decide to really confide in me about how you are feeling or what is going on in your relationship with Willie the Groundskeeper, I'm all ears.

Dear K,

I seriously do not get you.

I cannot get it into my head what part you expect me to play
in your life. I mean, "friend", ok, I could understand that,
if you behaved like a friend, but I don't think you do. You behave
like a very weird mix of a date, best best best friend, casual buddy,
secret admirer, and condescending older brother. WTF?

You know what gets me the most? It's not the failed romance thing
or that you totally screwed me over although I was straight with you
the whole time and deserved some fucking honesty back -
what really gets me is that you LURED me into opening up to you.
That it so obviously was your plan from the beginning, to create
an intimate atmosphere between us and tell me all these things
about your family and your past that no one knew about.
I even stepped back, didn't call you much, didn't invite you over,
I tried to keep my distance. But you just wouldn't have it! You kept
reeling me in like a fish. And when I finally opened up, you just
slammed the door in my face. Do you know what that felt like?
It felt like Hell. It felt like a couple of assorted Hells, actually.

It's like I saw a bright, sunny window into something beautiful,
but when I got closer, the window was just painted on the wall.
You're not at all open! You're locked up like a prison. So fucking
scared and weak, so afraid of life, of women, of ME for fuck's sake,
and still you claim I'm "probably the best person you know"?
Well, in that case I feel sorry for you, even though I think you may be right.
But it doesn't really help you much, does it? It sure doesn't help me at all.

I also do not understand how someone who's so likeable and knows
so many people can be so nervous about just that - to not be liked.
Hell, there are tons of people who don't like ME, and you don't see me
worrying about it. Although I'd appreciate it if the people who want to
be my "best friend" could show me some basic respect, honesty and
care - and so far you've failed miserably in all of the above.

Besides, did you really think you could just waltz into my life and become
my "best friend" in a couple of months? I'm 32 and you're 39, FFS.
I already have best friends, and I've known them for years and years.
I don't sleep in their bed and I don't text them at 4am to say "goodnight sweetheart".
I'm afraid you are - partly - retarded.

Best wishes,
your new best friend

Dear you,

I'd like to be with you.

Dear Bad Economy,

Please get better soon. I need a new job.

Yours Truly,

Spatzle - you sound kinda like my best girl. You might have just caught an off moment, try again. One of the hardest things about opening up is sometimes it falls flat and you hurt. But keep trying - eventually it's worth it.


Stop talking to me about the fucking house. I get it, you did a lot of work on it. Sorry my husband is a fucking moron who left too much shit to the last minute. Sorry I'm not involved, but we decided to rent it out and he was handling it, not me. I hate that I have that thing dragging me down, I don't want any more connections with that city. I'm done with it. I want to buy a nice little place down here, and settle. Not there. I like it here.

So stop with the questions and informing me of shit I don't care about. I don't care. I hate it. Can we talk about something else? Please?



Bare feet? Goddamn it sunshine, how awkward does it need to get?

love you, like fire and water and wind,
Dear PTB at appointment today.

Please please please approve me, I'm pissed off I need to get my eyes done and pay off my other crap. Even ten would be okay, so I could at least get rid of my shit there.

Dear T,

You were my best friend of all. And we fell apart. I'm nervous and giddy and happy and timid about reconnecting. Please still be the best you.

Dear J,

I can't talk to you about what's wrong because you are too far away to reassure me. To do that, you would have to be right here, holding me. I want this to work SO MUCH. Want it enough that it's taking over most of my coherent thought. WTF? I have been through this long distance fantasy boyfriend shit before and i thought it would be cool with you but, spending so much time alone, thinking, makes me panic and want to provoke you into doing or saying something.
So yes, i am high strung. I am hard on myself. You know lots of the reasons why. And yes. You are RIGHTLY absorbed by other things and i wouldn't want it any other way.
I want this. I want you to be my boyfriend godamnit. I want to see you and to KNOW. I want to, and i have, laid down my arms and my awful tendency to bail at the slightest problem. I have been honest. I know you have been too. I just need a little extra proof of your belief that this can be a thing. I guess hope is supposed to sustain itself, but i get too caught up in my own feet. History keeps digging at me until i'm sure that i'm unlovable and going to lose you (silly because i did so much to pretend that i didn't have you in the first place).
Please just say something. Some right, good thing that will make me feel less stupid. Less out on a limb.
If one more person calls you my boyfriend i'm going to cry in front of them. And you know how i feel about that.

I love you
I worry about you
I worry about myself

Dear PTB at orignal bank.

Thank you.


Dear PTB,

Can you maybe make the PR Boy situation work? Or ahve you already made things work? Well so long as he sticks around, i'll be happy, don't want to risk losing him.

dear you -

right now I'm so fucking angry, and the anger just keeps coming. I can't get over the fact that you basically made me invisible. You want all your friends to meet this woman that you are now with, and I find out you told no one about me then, or EVER, for that matter. you mother f**ker. I am not someone to be hidden, and you know it. Who the hell would want to hide me? I'm someone you should be proud to be with. Why the hell did you do it? OK, I could see not mentioning it to some of the people around - we were getting to know each other - but YOUR BEST FRIEND?? You made me disposable. And I never felt disposable - until now. You treated me as some disposable object. Disposable to you, non-existant to your friends. All some of them know is that I am your 'pal.' They don't know about the conversations for hours and hours, the sex, you flying me to visit you, the plans for other visits, the sending of pics back and forth (I have a file of at least 30 pics of you, from you), you calling us a 'couple' that once, you telling me YOU WERE THERE FOR ME ANYTIME. All of this over the course of a YEAR. Yes - you never lied to me out and out. Never. but there is lying by omission, and of that, you are grossly guilty. Who the HELL do you think you are, determining who gets to be invisible and who doesn't? and determining that I am invisible and disposable. Because I'm not. I'm so fucking far from being that, it's not even funny. I DO NOT want to talk to you. I DO NOT want to see you. I DO NOT want to work on that project with you. I'll ask one of your colleauges for direction. I don't even want to think about what the future might hold, because right now, you DO NOT deserve my friendship.


ps - Being a "good guy" doesn't count unless you're good to EVERYONE.
(((zoya))) so sorry, chica, and you are so right...

Zoya, you deserve to be with someone who respects you and is worthy of your respect. No doubt about it. ((((((Zoya))))))))

SP or Upchurch or whatever you're calling yourself this week,

You are such a flaming asshole and you don't even realize it ... despite the fact that numerous people have told you over and over again about your biggest, personal flaw: you state opinion as fact. Actually, you phrase your opinion in a certain way that makes people think that what you have said can actually be proven by some large, governing body. You make it sound as though you are speaking fact and only fact every single time you speak, but 99% of the time, you're just stating your opinion. And anyone who disagrees with you about the teeniest little thing is WRONG WRONG WRONG and obviously ATTACKING you!

So you said that the weather lately has been gloriously wonderful. I said that I, personally, wished we had more rain because we've officially slipped into "moderate drought" status again. And that isn't my opinion. That's backed up by the very scientists who study water flow and availability and officially determine whether we are in a drought or not. But I state my wish for more rain (and phrase it as purely my opinion) and you jump on me and insist that, NO, we're having great weather!!!! A+ weather!!!! And you must have the final word on the quality of the local weather no matter what!!!!
It's just my opinion, alright? Get over yourself already.

Dear yourself,

Don't internalise this. Take what you can learn and move on, and up. You read that office correctly but you are allowing her assessment to affect your confidence. Remember your last admin job, where your boss didn't want you to leave and praised you to the skies in her reference. She worked with you for 2 years, this has been six months in an already admitted troubled environment.

You have great organisational abilities, demonstrated as much in how well you juggle the thesis, conference preparations and weekly reviewing on top of the day job. You developed admin skills as a way to pay the rent while freelancing and then during the Ph.D: you were never looking for a career as an administrator. Saying that, they are damn useful skills and you have used them to advantage in a variety of environments and they will continue to serve you well in academia.

See this as an opportunity. You are coming from a position of strength and you wanted to get the hell out of there anyway, but the salary stopped you. You have some good options, and that's assuming nothing further comes from the uni which was fishing a few weeks ago. Hold tight, update your CVs, make those calls and stop beating yourself up. No-one would have worked well in that post; the new senior admin is struggling too, you've seen her. That office just doesn't work well.

Oh, and go for that amazing post now--it's an excellent fit and may be just what you need.

Cheers, Me
dear universe -

can you please send someone in my life quick? The person who is just right for me? I'm pretty much ready for it, and I really just want to be happy with someone. I just want someone who loves me and doesn't keep me guessing. I just want a best friend who I can be partners in crime with. I just want things to be so smooth and easy like I know they can be. I don't know why you let this turn out the way it did, but you did. I'm tired. I just want something that will erase all of that, because I know it is what it is.

anyway, I'm tapped out. I don't know what to write anymore.

((Zoya)) dang it... I have written that letter to myself too. I thought I found it, and still think that I've found it... but then all the questions and fears and insecurities start popping in. makes me wonder if I create the obstacles myself.

Sigh... hope it gets better.
Dear bitchy co-worker,
I am fucking tired of you taking up space in my head. I don't know why you feel the need to treat me like I'm 6-years-old and completely incompetent at my job. Yes, I've made some mistakes. I've only worked here a year and many of them happened early on. I have learned and mostly improved. But shit happens.....if I'm still here in 5 years I'll still make the occasional mistake. I don't need your attitude whenever I make a mistake, like I woke up that morning and said "hmm, how can I really f-up J's day today? I know!" No one else on the staff treats me like this and it's not like you're the only one who I make mistakes with.

You always take this accusatory tone, assuming I did/didn't do something without even knowing the facts. As in, today: "If you're going to drink my water, I need you to replace it." "Which water?" "The jug with the pink lid," "I don't drink the water from there." "Okay," disbelieving tone. /storms off.

Do you even believe me? I don't know. You probably think I'm lying. Didn't all the staff members come to an agreement that if you don't want your food touched, put your name on it? I'm pretty sure that implies that if you want something replaced, put your name on it.

I'm tired of you policing me even though you're not my boss. I'm tired of running through our every interaction in my head, analyzing it to death. I'm tired of analyzing the conversations we haven't even had, bracing myself for when they occur.

I'm in a crappy spot because I'm the boss' cousin and any complaint I raise will be seen as wanting special treatment and anything the boss comes to you on will be seen as nepotism.

I feel like the rest of the staff is giving me the cold shoulder and I'm pretty sure you've got something to do with it.

Despite my position between the rock and the hard place, I will be mentioning this in my review when the boss asks if I'm having any interpersonal issues with the staff. I'm sure you'll just deny it all anyway.


((((zoya)))) Good luck.

Dear insurance company,

Goddammit, what is your problem? You should have had everything figured out by now, but I'm still getting letters from the hospital telling me otherwise. If I had the money to settle it, I would, but I don't. That's your job and it would be nice if you would fucking do it.

Dear coworker dude,

I'm confused.

One minute you're ignoring me, the next you are asking about everything in my life, even music. You, the dude who thinks music starts with Phish and ends with Widespread Panic, who would have trouble telling Joey Ramone and Joe Strummer apart. I think you're cute and wouldn't mind getting to know you better--I'm up for learning more about jam bands and stuff you're into--but I'd rather be certain that you feel the same way and right now, I'm not sure if you're just being friendly and truly curious about stuff you don't know about, or if there is some other reason.
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