Apr 17 2008, 09:54 PM
Please do not call. I'm not going to answer the phone and I don't want to do that to you. I don't like you that way, you only think that I do. Because you were drunk, drugs and even though I gave you strong signals in long supply that I did not wish to relate with you, you proceeded to infringe upon my personality. Continue no further with your childlike ignorance and realize when you have gone too far down a badly chosen path due to the excesses of drug and alcohol (with a twist of arrogance!). I should perhaps be friendly with you should we acquaint at a show, etc., however, do not utilize my phone number in any way, or I shall have to hurt your feelings and I do not want to be forced to do that.
Apr 17 2008, 10:05 PM
Oops also I hope the bunny is okay?! (((((hugs to bun bun)))))
Apr 18 2008, 01:57 PM
Dear Trolls in General,
You are losers, get a life instead of posting incessantly. We have a lovely ignore function here. No one cares what you have to say. It's like listening to a politician.
Apr 18 2008, 03:09 PM
Dear Douchebag number 1,
way to fuck up, make everyone else have to suffer and do more work because of your mistake, then leave the building all day. you suck.
dear Douchebag number 2,
You have a lot of nerve by calling me unprofessional when you interrupted MY CLASS. If you have a problem with a student write a referral and call home don't come in to MY CLASS room when I am trying to give instructions to students to yell at some kid then send me a nasty email when I call you on it. Fuck you. Also use spell check before sending said email. We have different ideas as to what it means to be a "professional" . I am not the bitch to fuck with. You are now on my shit list, way to go.
Apr 18 2008, 03:36 PM
dear everyone who asked about my bunny
thank you! especially the people who offered to help me pay for his surgery, the people who asked randomly, the people I haven't spoken to for ages for inquiring even though you've never met the furry little fucker.
you fucking well rock
me and Tripod Pete
do yourself, please? no? please? just appear in my brain so I can do something interesting.
Apr 18 2008, 03:41 PM
Quit checking your email every hour; if you get anything, it won't go anywhere for a long time.
Also, it doesn't hurt to tell people how you're doing. They are concerned about you.
Dear department head,
Do not attempt to fuck me over in my remaining time here or I will mess things up. I have the know-how and the tools, so don't even think of character assassination.
Apr 19 2008, 01:27 PM
You can do this. Do not give up. Get the ball rolling and go from there.
Apr 19 2008, 06:32 PM
Mike says you've gotten to the point now where you don't feel hunger anymore and so you are refusing to eat. We are NOT going to force you to eat, nor are you going to have feeding tubes in your throat. I wish you well on your transition out of this plane. I have learned much from you...and I think you have paid your dues and I hope you have learned all you came to this lifetime to learn. I will really miss you...shit, I already miss you. You've been ill for five years or better...damn, it's even been longer than that, probably closer to seven years.
I drove to the twin cities every weekend when Dad was in the hospital dying...five hours. I'd drive five hours one way, spend two or three hours with him, and then five hours back. That was my Sunday tradition for several months. It was 1999.
I wish I could do the same with you. You're too far away, though.
And it's harder with you, because you don't have your mind anymore. I at least could talk to dad, bring him a beer...at least up till the last week, when the morphine got too much and he couldn't talk straight anymore.
Anyway, Mom...I wish you a tranquil passing, a peaceful sleep tonight and all the rest of the nights you are here on this world, and a wonderfully orgasmic trip into the Heavens!
(I mean, seriously, I would *hope* that dying and going to heaven would be exquisitely orgasmic.)
Apr 20 2008, 11:41 AM
(I opted against the essure procedure & am back to square one, thanks for your info )
sweet puppy girl; I hope you understood why we sent you with that family yesterday, I really don't think you were meant to be ours in the beginning. you seemed really happy to go with them, and when they came back to return the collar & leash, you were in the back seat w/ such a happy waggy tail and looked Happy, like you belonged with them. I honestly believe they will take very good care of you & you'll have a good life with them.
however, if it doesn't work out, we're just a few streets over and you are more than welcome back again.
later last night I began to second guess the decision bc I already missed you.
hoping for nothing but the best for you~
Life: curve balls are fine, just not so much heart-stomping with it please?
Apr 20 2008, 01:01 PM
I know a lot has changed for both of us in the year since our possible relationship fizzled out, but I have to admit right now I do have some feelings for you again beyond that of being friends. I feel like as we've spoken more again lately, that we've gotten close again, kind of like we were last March before the door closed on a serious dating relationship. That being said, I do realize that we're more then likely never going to be anything more then friends. You're Catholic, and I'm not anymore, and that's pretty much the long and the short of it. Even so though, there is that part of me that wishes things could be different, that wants something more, wants that door to be reopened again. But.....I guess that's just wishful thinking on my part isn't it? Perhaps someday......
Apr 20 2008, 02:17 PM
Your insecurity is overwhelming. Yelling at L because he measured a desk and somehow that undermined you? Telling D that he couldn't send out an email unless he ran it past you first? Not letting anybody go to the D meeting except you? We all see it.
We can see that you're trying to make it look like you never make a single mistake -- by covering your ass after-the-fact, trying to make others feel stupid by hoarding information, and stealing other people's work. And, might I add, just being an all-around bitch. What was so great about C was that she listened to everybody, gave credit where it was due, and admitted when she messed up. I can't imagine you doing any of those things.
This company is fucked up, though, and maybe you're exactly the yes-man they want.
Patience, young Jedi. You have been through this at other jobs. It takes a while, but the shitty managers eventually get theirs.
Gah. I miss you. When you get back, I'm going to screw you into next week. That is, after I stuff you full of homemade lasagna and show you your sparkling clean house.
I'm thinking about your thighs. And your fuzzy bald head. And the half of your face that I can see above the pillow.
Apr 20 2008, 05:00 PM
I just don't care anymore. Sorry.
Apr 20 2008, 08:17 PM
Seriously, I need you to stop smiling so cutely when you see little kids playing w/their fathers. It makes me think things about you that I am trying not to think about you.
So stop it.
I mean it.
Apr 21 2008, 05:25 PM
Apr 21 2008, 09:38 PM
K, listen. I'm not a fan of mixed signals. I prefer things out where I can see them. Mixed signals usually just mean you're not terribly interested. So I'm canceling. I'm probably not even going to tell you I'm canceling. It would seem sort of melodramatic, frankly. Like I needed the ego boost. I do like you. Not enough to move things forward. But enough that I'll wish things had gone in another direction. Anyway, take care. I'm somewhere else now.
Apr 22 2008, 06:29 AM
When you show me your weak underbelly like that I have this wicked urge to kick it. I won't but for god's sake grow up!
Apr 22 2008, 06:47 AM
mr's Mom & family-
enough w/ the damn Nanny's Birthday drama.
she's a year older. she's never been the nice, kind sweet old lady you all have played her out to be and in her senility, she's not getting any better- if anything I am enjoying that the rest of the world finally gets to see her controlling passive-agreesive bullshit for what it is.
we got her a card. we're 600 mls away- what the fucx else do you expect?
stop w/ the ' Nanny says don't worry about sending her anything/wait/ now she's forgotten she said that but I don't know what to tell you to get' bullshit emails bc the reality is: I for one am just waiting for her to Die Already so there is one less Freaking member of you to deal with.
this is so why I have always told frecklette from a wee young age that if/When I get to that stage in my life, stick me in a Home & go live her life. as long as I am relatively clean & fed, everything's cool. I didn't give her life so I could slowly suck it from her in my so called 'Golden Years' later on.
your son has a crazi ass job that it's all frecklette & I can do to keep up w/ most days, so believe it or not, this is Not high on our list of priorities to spaz out over.
back off already ey?
oh, and tell your ungratelful immature leach of a son in HI that he's freakin' WELCOME for the GC we sent him for His birthday. *I* was the one who ordered it online and for the record totally didn 't want to bc he's a turdish little suck-ass that you all still seem so startstruck by.
feeling so much better but wishing I could really send or say this to you,
daughter in law
Apr 22 2008, 10:08 AM
I am so beyond pissed off with you and your constant excuses. This is not a frienship, this is laughable. I go to you for support and I get nothing. After the rejection from grad school, I got nothing from you. Not even an I am sorry to hear, how are you doing? Things will work out.
When you told me you were not successful in bidding for a house, I felt really bad for you, I asked how you were doing. But this grad school stuff I was relying heavily on in order to get out of a job I abhor a job that makes my physically sick. And you did NOTHING. I've known you for eight years, I'd expect more. I guess my expectations are too high.
You are not worth this pain, this effort, this anything. You are not worth it anymore. It's hard for me to let go because I still have faith in people, but you have done nothing for me.
You are pretentious, arrogant, and tiresome. Perhaps if you stopped womanizing and got your priorities straight, we wouldn't be having this arguement. The least you could do is show that you give a good goddamn.
I have higher and loftier ambitions than you.
Apr 22 2008, 02:21 PM
A, you mean the entire world to me.
Apr 22 2008, 10:36 PM
It's okay to let go. How you've managed to live these last three weeks, I don't know. Just as stubborn as always.
Please go tonight so Dad doesn't have to take you the vet tomorrow to have them do it.
Kitty heaven has rivers that run with cream, all the cheese you can eat and slow, fat mice.
I don't want to say goodbye a third time.
Apr 22 2008, 10:45 PM
Don't put me in the middle. I will listen to both of you separately, and be there for both of you as much as humanly possible, because we are still a family no matter what. But, I have so much to do right now that I can't handle the extra stress. I have less than a week to uproot my life and move 24 hours away.
hang in there, we can do it and when we get there even if we don't have our own place and we are sleeping on couches, we will be much happier. I love you.
Apr 23 2008, 07:33 AM
I've deleted you from my phone, I do not know your number from memory. I have grown out of the bar, I've grown out of getting drunk all the time. I have precious little free time. I have two free days off a week, I don't want to spend on of them hungover and/or exhausted because I had to drive you home.
I've told you repeatedly that I'm not interested in you in any way. Yet you always insist on making a move, this is the other reason I've come to abhor going out with you.
So, now that I called you on that behaviour, you're the one who is offended? You are using me to get home and you're offended? How much sense does this make.
I have run out of things to say to you, I' ve grown up and moved away from the bar scene. Your behaviour, it appears, has also stayed the same. If you cannot accept me away from the bar scene, then my moving on also means leaving you behind.
Apr 23 2008, 08:01 AM
Who are you to judge me? Think that you are special because you are you? I think not! You are just a small snot nosed kid who can't find your ass with both hands. I am done with you and your opinions. Take it and shove it!
Apr 23 2008, 11:59 AM
dear insurance people,
don't be such a (collective) dick. little d needs to continue with his ot. i know it, his therapist knows it, why the fuck won't you acknowledge it? yes, i can work with him at home (cuz, you know, i don't have anything else to do), but i am not trained in this and the therapists are.
oh, and while i'm at it, thanks so much for raising the prices on our prescriptions. i really love listening to my husband gasp and wheeze cuz we can't afford his meds anymore. just makes me all warm and fuzzy inside to know that y'all care. fuckers.
deep breaths. we've gone thru this before.
please, please, no major asthma attacks. and for goddess' sake, don't get stung by a bee. i really do love you and want you to be around for a long time yet!
Apr 23 2008, 01:17 PM
i am sick and tired of your criticizing the manner in which i am handling analysis of statistics. if you had a specific timeline in mind for when you wanted to finish this paper, then maybe you should have told me about it at the beginning of the semester! i especially don't appreciate the snippy, off-handed remarks about my expedience . YOU are first author on this paper which means YOU need to take the initiative. it is not my fault that our data inherently violates the fundamental assumptions of anova. it is not my fault that the type of repeated measures test that i need to perform on the data i don't know how to do. did you learn in stats class? because i've had two stats classes and its never been covered because it is only used in rare cases and its very high level. not even our advisor knows how to do this, so please don't bitch to me about it. what have you exactly been doing all semester? hmmmm? i've had four classes, i have to finish this huge stats project on top of two 20 page research papers and then take exams. what the fuck are you having to do right now? i think it is perfectly acceptable for me to take a few days off at the end before i dive back into this project. the conference isn't until august. we have a long time to put this all together. i have made an appointment with a statistician right after exams and he is going to hold my hand every step of the analysis. what the fuck more do you want me to do? get the fuck out of the lab. i don't need you in here, giggling on the phone to your boyfriend and playing word jumble on the computer all day when i'm trying to work. i find your laziness contemptable.
wow. first time i've ever posted in her, but MAN i feel better now.
Apr 23 2008, 10:49 PM
Now you're just toying with us, aren't you?
I know she's your favorite. I know this is harder because Mom's out of town. But she's really not getting any better and just seems uncomfortable and out of it. Please take her in tomorrow.
((damona)) cursed insurance companies
Apr 24 2008, 02:36 AM
dear whatever your name is.
ugh. trust me, i do not have a crush on you. you're dumb, annoying, and a boy. no thanks. i work with you, nothing else. trust me, i can't even remember your freaking name! god, there's always one....
you're killing me when you tell me you put yourself out there. honestly, i think you are suffering from inflated dom/mme ego syndrome(IDES). it was shakespere that said beware the ides of march. if i had known that's what he was talking about i would have been paying attention. look, just because someone is curious about does not mean they want to date you (god, dom/mes can be so annoying), it does not mean they are going to stalk you, and hell, it does not mean they are even attracted to you.
i'll admit, i liked your pictures, but i thought you'd be bigger. meh you're way too skinny for me. and you're not half as cute as you think you are. and--you talk all this rah-de-rah about how you are into politics, but haven't a clue about the democratic race. WTF? you can't carry on a conversation about anything, and when i say something innocuous you say "that's too intense!" and say i might want more than a friendship. uh, yeah, that's all in your head, chickie. i tend to go for woman that are the antithesis of you-- quick witted, pop-culturally literate, artistic, and can hold up their end of the discussion. i think you are nice, and cute, but i learned a long, long, long time ago, that if i can't have a conversation with you, i certainly don't want to date you. look, in the 2 months we've been hanging out, i've called you all of 3 times, and i asked you out the first time, and the rest was you. ides indeed. you need to get a grip. you see what happens when you've got subs paying all your bills? you start to think the world revolves around you. tsk. sorry to say mami, that is not the case.
whatever, fool. you talk about wanting to do something, but you flake. granted i've flaked on you enough times, but i called. i told you i couldn't be there, but you only called 2 days later, after i emailed you asking what happened. meh. you know this was really the first time that there was a real chance for us to see if there was something there. you said you broke up with your gf because you wanted to date me, and you are the only boy i've ever been even slightly interested in, but... you blew it. i'm going back to my daddy. she knows my worth. later, masterbater!
wtf is with you? you work so hard to break up with daddy, then a month later you start melting everytime even the slightest thing reminds you of her? goddamn it. here i am gearing up for being single, getting my shit together, and hang out with my friends and you pull this. and it's worse than i was at the zenith of things with daddy. granted, she is one twisted motherfucker, more than open to all my kinks and has introduced me to a few more, but really? is scening with her worth all of that?
well, ok, the scenes we've done were pretty hot/fun/funny, and the idea of being a domme scening couple is very hot... and lord knows she can teach me a fuck of a lot about blood play and intro me to many other things, but do i really have to get the chills when she whispers in my ear, "mine." do i?
ok, yeah she does appreciate all of my facets, male female and all parts inbetween, yeah she's the one who treats me like a total princess/goddess that she loves to worship and defile, but... and yeah i love watching her working in the garden, but... and yeah she listens to me babble on about some stupid dionne warwick song off an album i've had for years but never listened to, and then tells me she loves me, but...but....but...
but why do i feel like i'm Charley brown, and you are lucy tricking me with a football?
fuck off you fucking fucks! go fuck yourself!
Apr 26 2008, 01:02 AM
are we there yet?
there has got to be more
than these peanuts
on this flight, right?
i feel like i've been pulled
this way and that, but
i can't help but wonder
if the earlier flight
would have been better,
y'know, without turbulence.
a direct, non-stop flight
with out all of these
fucked up connections and layovers.
i could have seriously
done without jetlag
and the food poisoning...
...and the screaming children running the isles...
...and getting the flu...
...and the person snoring with their head on my shoulder...
...and the lightning striking the plane...
...and the loss of cabin pressure...
...and getting motion sick as the plane went into a tailspin...
...and the concussion as we landed...
i feel like Sisyphus,
dragging my luggage
which magically gets bigger
as i pass thru each gate
why notice when they
all look the same.
i meet people at the airport bar
with that easy friendship you have
when you don't expect to see them again.
should have left home?
and i know i sound like
all i'm doing is bitching.
i should be grateful
lucky i get to take this
fantastic journey, right?
but after the last thing,
just before the next,
i can't help but feel weary.
ears pop from pressure drops
you never get comfortable
no way. not in these seats.
miniature liquor bottles
only make you feel overgrown
Gulliver, not drowning sorrows
i've given up on ever arriving.
and home is the place
i daydream about,
that familiar bed,
smothering me with love,
telling me this is where to be...
now if only i could get there...
if only i could remember where it is...
if only i knew where i belong...
just hand me that blanket, please.
and wake me up when we land
and tell me we never have to leave.
but for right now,
on the border of dreams
can you tuck me in?
Apr 26 2008, 12:53 PM
Apr 26 2008, 04:00 PM
ok, bunny, i just read your quote about sylvia plath and freaking pee'd myself! thankyouthankyouthankyou!
Apr 26 2008, 04:58 PM
I meant wow, a great piece of writing .
It's a freaking hilarious quote, isn't it? I peed myself too!
Apr 26 2008, 05:15 PM
awwwwww! you are so super sweet! thank you. i've been missing writing letters in here. this is such a amazing thread... i always come away from reading posts with more admiration for busties... and i already think busties are a pretty spectacular bunch....
Apr 27 2008, 12:18 PM
I love you. I have grown to accept you. I have made amends for the poor self-image and unhealthy eating (or lack thereof) habits from the past. Tell me one thing: Why must you break out in hives? I am so uncomfortable. What are you trying to tell me? I'm sure it's stress related at this point because I've checked my "diet" and I don't eat anything that would trigger. I thought we were done with these stress hives ages ago.
Apr 27 2008, 12:21 PM
I am enjoying the e-mail banter tremendously! Have a fantabulous day.
Apr 27 2008, 04:26 PM
you are all stupid. i'm adopted. don't call me.
that is all,
Apr 28 2008, 11:02 AM
God, I promised myself I wouldn't do anything like this to you again. I'm such a dumb fuck, because I'm doing it anyway. And I'm so sorry I'm doing it to you. But I've got this thing I need to tell you, and I don't feel like I can get these things out right if I can't write it first. So I'm writing it.
I do not want to make things uncomfortable between us. I do not want to lose your friendship or your musical partnership in my life. I know I'm risking scaring the shit out of you completely. I'm pretty scared shitless myself. But jesus, S., I beat death last year, and maybe the one truly useful thing I've learned is that you have to take risks if you want the things that matter to come into your life.
I know I am too damned blunt for my own good, and brutally honest - it's gotten me in a lot of trouble. But at the same time, I am apt to say only half of what I'm thinking, or to have what I'm thinking not come out right at all. I'd rather have this conversation with you face-to-face, but I don't have the guts right now. It's hard for me to say what I really feel. I spent so long hiding myself: behind my career and trying to save the fucking world, behind my safe little apartment walls, behind humour, behind cynicism, behind a hundred more pounds of weight that is gone from my body now. I've always been afraid to let people get close to me, and that's meant stuffing my true feelings down deep. I'm getting better, but it's still hard.
I get so confused about how you feel about me. I'm not good at reading guys - I'll admit it. I spent most of my adult life pretty much around women, and to be honest, the childhood situation was not really helpful, either. I have such a hard time. I try, but I can't get it right. But I keep getting this feeling that something is (was?) starting to happen between us. I was really feeling it right up until Thursday, and then something changed. I don't know if I did/said something stupid and wrong, or pushed too hard, or came off like some kind of ditzy featherweight, but I feel like something changed in between the time you left here on Tuesday night and the time we left each other on Thursday afternoon. Come Saturday, I didn't even know you as the same man I knew on Tuesday. Please, tell me if I'm wrong. Tell me if I'm wrong in thinking there was something happening on Tuesday evening. I can take it. I won't like it, and to be honest, it will hurt like hell if I'm wrong about any of this, but I can take it.
The truth is, I am developing feelings for you, and I don't really know what they mean yet. I'm scared shitless of them. It takes a long time for me to even be able to let people through my front door, but you've made it through many times. You are such an incredible, wonderful person. I am so happy whenever I get to see you or talk to you. I am amazed to even have you in my life - I feel lucky. I've become inspired to create music, really good music. I don't know what any of this means, and I know this is scary shit and we've only been friends for two months, but it's the honest truth. And I know I'm hopelessly clumsy at expressing it in any kind of normal way, but there it is.
But I don't know what to do with any of this if you are not feeling something yourself. I know when I first mentioned my attraction, you said you were seeing someone, and that we'd be better off as friends and music partners. I never knew if this was the truth or just kindness on your part, or if I just plain scared the shit out of you, in my own, special, inimitable way. I tried to let it go, but it never happened that way for me. I had some hopes when you started referring to your ex-girlfriend, and I felt pretty sure of my hopes on Tuesday evening, when you held my gaze for so long, and so seriously, right after I played that bloody song I'd written. But maybe I'm just making it all up in my head and it was all the opposite happening - maybe you were trying to tell me to step back, or maybe you were just wondering why I was staring. I'm stupid sometimes. Stupid and clumsy and way too bold, and I think way too much. I know. But it's funny - I don't know how to be anything but honest with you, and that's what I guess I'm trying to do, in my stupid, clumsy, way-too-bold, think-too-much manner.
I'm not telling you any of this out of a need to tie you down into something neither of us is ready for. Ever since I got sick, I've been living in this bubble where I don't even know what my own future holds past the next three weeks - I'm just so goddamned happy to be alive that I haven't worked up any kind of master plan for my own self yet. I'm trying really hard not to frighten you or come off like some crazy obsessive stalker bitch, but you've got to know by now that's not who I am. I, too, am a person slow to trust, but I also try really hard to believe the best of people, and I don't want to believe you'd mislead me with flirtations one day and distance the next. I want to believe that you are the kind of person I can be this honest with, and have it be okay. And I guess there is just too much "rightness" in what I'm feeling for me to let it go without the chance to find out what's there.
And I know I'm making this all about me, and I know I do too much of that, too. I know damned well I'm throwing this down right in the middle of you trying to find a place to live and dealing with a broken toe and your ex-girlfriend wanting to relocate here, and all the other stuff that I don't even know about. But I'm in such a state of confusion and anxiety, that it's all I know how to do right now. I'm scared, but I'm also scared not to do this. I know this is not the way you're supposed to do things, but I don't know what the right ways to do things are anymore. I only know what I feel, and that life is too damned short to keep pretending otherwise.
Apr 29 2008, 09:48 PM
Fuck YOU !!
big huge Giant Fuck You's to the 11 millionth power of 1 trillion !!
gah- you have no idea how Freakin' INSANE you make me!
what the fuck was up w/ your snide comment to frecklette when she told you about breaking the camera & me in the background reminding her it was her fault so we can't claim the warranty & you saying ' well at least your parents are Ethical..."
what- bc you are so fucking convinced that the mr is a fucking Trained Killer that you condescend to give us a little credit for doing what YOU deem to be the Right Thing compared to our usual barbaric 'club first/ask questions later MO ? '
and then w/ your boy, whom I love, and whom frecklette loves very much ( you too by the way- despite being hurt by your attitude & platitudes about all this), your boy asking that question of her tonight - what the fuck was it and where did it come from?
you want to know why this isn't over yet M? bc you won't fucking let it be.
or ok I am just as guilty if not more so, of carrying the anger at you, but I have never, not once, let it be directed at -our- children. that was so low. and the saddest part is that you didn't hurt me tonight.
you hurt frecklette.
= shakes head in hands= if this is how you want it, and apparently it is, you win.
YOU can fucking Have mom & dad too, sinse you seem so fucking Threatened by me of them. - what - do you really think I am going to screw up your perfect little setup of babysitter-housekeeper-handyman?
fuck. I'm sure that tomorrow, if you're not requiring their services already that is~ you'll be all over them like sticky tape, guarding your ground & protecting your area.
I'm 600 freakin' miles away. how sad is that?
for all your righteous bluster, I really feel sad for you bc underneath it all I think you must really be unhappy to act as you do. but you got it M. you're getting what you wanted and you're doing your damndest to convince frecklette of it too. but making snide remarks about her parents is exactly the Wrong way to go about it. you hurt her much tonight and greatly underestimated her comprehension bc SHE understood right away what you really meant.
you trully disgust me and were it possible, I really would negate & erace any blood ties we have.
what the hell have you told her?
thanks for forgetting frecklette's birthday tonight too, even when She Called You (in the middle of a new episode of ncis that the call interrupted).
I'm going to genuinely try really hard to keep my cool when we next speak, if M ever let's you near the phone alone that is, but don't you see what is happening here Mom?
I can't compete w/ her anymore. I'm so tired and we're too far away and honestly- why should I have to?
I wish I were 1/4th as "strong" as you seem to think I am, but really, it doesn't matter bc unless your name is M & have some of Her bidding, or T having another crisis, it doesn't matter anyway.
the mr points out that comparitively,of the 3 kids I have turned out the best and you & Dad probably are probably relieved to have less to deal with. yup. maud bless him he's right, and in that light, in the face of the constant messes & emergencies,as a parent now, I do understand & appreciate that, but my heart doesn't understand being shut out, which is what is/has happened.
- the last time I went to visit and you HAD to try to play matchmaker between 'your two girls' and what happend? after you begged me to say ok to her coming to the house at the same time, and bc I love you & still want to please you I did and it blew up like an oil rig & a match & everyone got burned.
see this for how it is. she's running me out of the family and I do not think I am crazi nor is it accidental.
feeling so lost & hurt,
needing to curl up in your arms more than anything right now,
Apr 30 2008, 10:07 AM
Dear Self -
Self pity sucks!! What the fuck is wrong with you? Stupid self! Just suck it up.
Apr 30 2008, 10:16 AM
keep it cool and make the call you need to,but remember that above all else, you are crazi loved by the mr & frecklette & the babies & Airy & all your friends all over. you don't need your bloodline relatives and it's probably time to start accepting and living that truth in a realistic way.
you've certainly made a Lot of mistakes in this world, but you still have worth and value and your opinions, though different than theirs sometimes, still count just as much.
be a big girl now and take care of business, I know you are going to be ok,
May 1 2008, 01:13 AM
sorry about the family bs... been there too.
May 1 2008, 09:13 AM
To the one I love ...
We went to see a couple's therapist yesterday, and she said that she'd see us as a couple, but that she hoped you took the time to get some help sorting through the things you're remembering from your childhood. On one hand, I'm so angry at you for putting us both through all of this, but on the other I'm so angry at your mother for doing the things she did to you! Who beats her child when their grandmother has a stroke? Who waits to take them to a hospital for a day when they break a leg? Who in the hell doesn't believe them when they tell their mother about being abused by some creep, and tells them they're lying at the age of 8???? Who in the fuck does that? Part of me can't understand how she managed to do all of those things to you. And part of me can't understand how you've managed to allow yourself to set aside the strong, vibrant, life-flowing parts of your personality - those very things that made you the person I fell for, the very things that brought you to this place, to my life, to others' lives ... because of her.
I'm writing here because I don't think you read here any longer, and I needed to write it somewhere. Not to mention, the lounge was important once to you and a source of lively discussion for us, but sadly no longer. Like other things, we've lost a lot of things that we once enjoyed together. And I've said these things to you, and yet somehow all of it has gone out the window. The anger, the lying, the need to hurt me no matter what the cost or the blood drawn ... at what point does that stop? When I go? We talk now about living separate lives, and I don't want our marriage to end. And yet somehow I think that if you find a place on your own, you'll quickly leave the relationship totally. Because I wonder if that's not what you want. And maybe that's what you need?
I do know that I love you enough to let you go, if that's what you need. I do know that I hate the fact that the beautiful, sensual, free-spirited, feminist I fell in love with five years ago somehow changed - that she's no longer happy. And the fun part of her life is no longer fun for her. And for me ... that's one of the most sorrowful things I've had to endure, and I'd do anything I could to change it for you.
May 1 2008, 10:45 AM
thanks sugar. I know I ranted like a maniac here, but better here than on the phone where I'd say things I most certainly wouldn't be sorry for
600 miles and a pile of mountains and still they get to me.
= le sigh=
I had meant to tell you, what you wrote last week... so beautiful.. has stayed with me and become a sort of backdrop to the memories of some of my travels.
really good stuff and I hope you are writing for more than just us here in the Lounge sweetie, bc you are gifted.
crazi smooches & hugs,
May 1 2008, 11:48 AM
May 1 2008, 02:30 PM
May 2 2008, 01:32 AM
not so dear little stubbly motherfuckers,
in the years that you've clung to me
i've burnt bridges
ripped out my roots
jettisoned family members
lived other lives
left so many cities
but here you are
still hanging on.
it's not so much
that i hated being
all thing things i was
but i needed to be that
other person-- the one
waiting since forever
the one i feared
but knew too well
would be my waterloo
that new me, i'd find
my final destination
that would never end
there would be
no turning back.
this is so my Lot:
world burning behind me,
the sound ringing in my ears.
still there aren't you?
on the edge of vision?
planted on the periphery.
i wanted more but
i've stayed frozen, salty and salted
unnamed, barely defined
waiting for that new life
May 4 2008, 01:31 PM
Thank you. Thank you. I can't say it enough. The bittersweetness has kept me on the edge of tears (ok, I've tipped right over several times) for the past week. That line from Now, Voyager is perfect: "Don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars."
Would it be presumptuous of me to ask that some of these stars spill over into the lives of the many people I care about, who haven't been blessed with such magic? People online, and IRL? Please.
In awe and gratitude,
May 4 2008, 02:33 PM
family/mom & dad:
I'm finally & officially flipping you the Big Bird Finger ( you know, the one you always made me ashamed even to have on my hand?) & savoring every inch of the miles that stand between us now.
why ask me how we'd feel about the boys coming w/ you here next month, tell me to 'think it over before deciding' and then call the next day browbeating poor frecklette about getting us to change our minds when I told you right off the answer was NO
, and you knew all along it didn't matter what we said bc you assumed you could bulldoze right over me regardless?
well I fooled you this time.
I did think it over, and more and more the answer was not only still NO, but a ' we feel if you want to spend time w/ the boys, take them somewhere else/aka/ Don't Come At ALL' so There!
why can't you just come ALONE to spend time w/ us and Just us?
why do you always have to have all the drama? why can't we ever-be- Enough for you?
.. you know Ma,when the mr was deployed and Luck got sick, you said if it looked like we were going to loose him, you'd come. well where were you when it happened? and my heart was breaking ( still) and I was literally falling to pieces and poor frecklette was here and had to take care of me instead of vice versa. you were a faint and very distant voice on the phone, when you'd even pick up that is.
I guess, bc you really were a relatively good parent to me growing up, or maybe I just didn't need as much then as now, but somehow in adulthood things have changed only I was slow to catch on that once I left home, that was it for me. you've made me feel like an inconsiderate guest or friend of the family.
and now, w/ whatever is going on w/ the mr's health; god mom, you KNOW how fucking scary this is to us right now. the dr's are quietly whispering about the Big Scary Things it might maybe be, and I am looking up lame recipe's for smoothies bc it seems 'healthier' and what the FUCK good is that going to do in the face of it and where are you? where will you be in the worst case scenario mom?
if it was M do I need to even ask if it'd be different?
I guess maybe it's good that Mother's Day is next week, so I can send you the card I bought, and the b-day & ann cards too (bc while I admit to getting the dates mixed, at least I DO Actually REMEMBER) and thank you for raising me to be the woman I am now, who is strong enough to not need you anymore.
this is Big Bird Signing off w/ a special salute just for you ~
woman formerly known as your youngest daughter
you did good. you told her how you really felt, and didn't let her pressure you into caving.
now cut them off. you have larger worries to focus on than to let Them stress you anymore.
let this rant here be the last of the energy you waste on them and concentrate on the wonderful family you have downstairs that very much needs and loves you.
don't you Dare fall to pieces after evverything you've already survived.
deep breath, chin up and right foot forward,
mr's body whatever:
whatever you are, fuck off & leave him alone.
I had him first and I don't share.
move out & draw fire,
an impatient, scared and worried
May 4 2008, 08:54 PM
((freckle, frecklette & mr.)) ~*~*~*super-strength, toxic-relative-repelling health vibes~*~*~*
May 4 2008, 10:04 PM
Once again I allowed you to mentally and emotionally take me to a place of rage. I dont like that place. I don't like who I am when I'm in that place. I felt shame and bitterness against myself for letting my anger get the best of me. I love you, but I hate you at the same time. AND HATE is not a realm I try to operate in. Only YOU have ever been able to take me there.
You are pathetic. You're like a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde of the drunken persuasion. I hope that if you make it past age 51, and happen to sober the hell up, you will realize the damage that you've done not only to your wife, children, but your grandchildren as well. They see how you act and they are not dumb. Young, but definitely not dumb and they question your behavior. I dont know if they fully understand "drunkenness" but they do understand that your actions towards your family are ugly and not of the PaPa they know and love. It sickens me that the family around you is so damn enabling. They take you (already drunk) to the store to buy more beer/liquor, then they talk about your drunk ass behind your back. I shudder at the potential danger you put other people in, and your self. Oh and hanging around the local drunks and crackheads is not a good look. Our hometown isnt exactly large, so everyone knows who you are, and who my mother is. I'm sure that has to be embarrasing for her.
I no longer look forward to holidays, I dont look forward to visits, and I dont look forward to phone calls. You always ruin everything. You're an embarrasment to us. The father I used to love and look up to no longer exists. If left up to me, I'd never talk to you again. You will never be around my kids if I so choose to have them. I'm disappointed in how you've wasted your life.
May 4 2008, 10:34 PM
I love both of you. I know how much love you've had for us over the years and I appreciate that raising us was your primary interest.
But I need you to know that I'm tired of the lame jokes, the constant reminders that I didn't pan out the way you wanted. So I'm not a lawyer, an engineer, a doctor. I'm not ambitious for achievement. What's that got to do with you? And why do you feel it's so goddamned urgent to bring it up all the fucking time? Let it go.
(hang on a second. I can't concentrate on this shit with dick dale blaring in the background)
Listen, all I want in life - all that I am ambitious for - is happiness. And I am happy. I like who I am. I like my wife and my baby and the little family we are. YOU say you like who I am too. If you do like who I am then you have to accept the decisions I've made that have helped make me who I am. Even the stupid ones, the obnoxious ones, the near-sighted ones.
I'm tired of hearing how difficult it was to feed me as a baby (Jesus Christ! I was a BABY!), how much disappointment I caused you when my grades slipped, how awful a person I was after high school when I lost direction and fumbled about. Trust me, I don't need reminding. You made it all so abundantly clear then. I'll never forget it.
I want you to enjoy your grandson. I want you to be in his life. I want him to know you. But I don't need this shit. It sucks. It's not fair. You fucked up too. I don't throw it in your faces whenever we get together. You're offensive with this shit.
Sometimes, I have to try a little harder than usual to keep the filter in my head in place that stops all the miasma of rage from spewing out at you for some of the senseless hurtful things you say to me. And to think, you complain that YOUR family put you through the same thing, yet you turn around and do it to your own children! God help me if this is some natural heirloom we're all doomed to pass down to the next generation. I swear I won't do it to Jackson. I won't exorcise my frustrations at the expense of his dignity. I won't withhold affection from him as some half-assed correctional device, won't hold him accountable as an adult for doing things as a child that children are likely to do.
I might fucking remind you that I never spent a day in jail, was never kicked out of school once, never got into any kind of trouble. I'm staying on top of a rising mortgage in this trainwrecked economy, I'm invaluable to my bosses and we're both busting our asses to get by while we do what's best for Jackson. Shut the fuck up.
Fuck it. I'm tired and I'm going to bed. Just stop, okay? I'm really serious.