Nov 25 2007, 04:50 PM
Whatever stupid little thing your ass-hurt about, get the hell over it. You're starting to piss me and everyone else off. Grow up.
Nov 26 2007, 07:55 PM
Dear flat that is just waiting for me in new city -
Will you please show yourself now so that I can rent you very soon because I need to find you in the next week or so.
Nov 26 2007, 09:31 PM
you are so wonderful.. I know you're a little impatient w/ me over our Boy and think I need to get over it faster, but he was my Baby in the way that deep deep in my soul I feel that all (ok most) animals are babies and he was just our extra special gift.
it's like being not just a mom but a mama. it's gut and soul and ancient and deep and I think he knew that and that I trully honored him for all that he gave us.
I'm going to need a bit of time but yes please keep encouraging me to be strong bc from You I really hear it where it counts.
and when you are home, we as our family can honor him and mourn together and then lovingly make peace with it.
I love the talk about our life beyond the Army. I love how happy that makes you and feel so happy that with mere words I can do that for you.
you & our kids (human & fur alike) are my life and our adventure is still going strong.
counting the weeks & rushing the minutes,
I am sorry for that, but you made it abundantly and Finally very clear.
I don't want to sound like a smartass but honestly do think that someday, you Will be sorry.
or at least I hope you will be. not bc I want you to hurt, but bc it'll mean you've finally begun to see that I Do have some worth, something to offer that is now no longer available to you due your own actions.
I don't get you.
I thought I did; used to get so frustrated bc to me it was so apparent how similar we were in so many ways.. no one in this world is more against wars and weapons than a Soldier's Wife.
- do you think I Like living this way?!
do you think I revel in the perpetual loss and injury and lonliness?
get my kicks out of raising my child w/out a father??
.....I'm not going to lecture you. it would do no good were I to waste the energy.
I think yes I Am sorry for you.
you have lost me as surely as we have both lost our brother to his mental illness.
as lost to me as any casualty of war bc that is indeed what you are to me.
a war of your own superior and high minded opinions that let you take cowardly shots at me from a distance, where for years I let the blows go by, but when I finally fought back you called Geneva Convention.
it doesn't work that way dear sister.
and this time, there will be no Mr to negotiate a peace accord between us as he did the last time, bc he now feels 100% as disgusted with you as I am. he didn't even like you when you brokered the deal either; he was so tired of seeing you hurt and insult me but did it out of Love for me bc he knows what you meant to me.
-a soldier negotiating peace.
what a concept.
your conscious, your heart,
Nov 26 2007, 10:04 PM
Did you know that my entire life, growing up, even now, that you are the epitome of beauty? I know you don't see it, and that makes me sad. All you see is what you think you lack (hmm, sounds a bit like myself), when all I see is the way you absolutely sparkle when you smile. Your laugh is so contagious I could swear that I feel it from miles away. And not to mention your olive skin, glossy black curling tresses, and soulful eyes ringed with the longest, sootiest lashes known to man. No matter what you weigh (through all fluctuations) you have a classically beautiful figure, soft and feminine and strong. I wish I could say all of this to you. I wish you would let me say any of it without laughing it off as ridiculous.
I guess what I'm really trying to say is how could you? How could you let him treat you the way he does? The complete lack of support for you in all aspects is bad enough, but the physical abuse? You may think I was too young to know what was going on, but I remember when you came to stay with us because he broke your wrist, blackened your eye. Your beautiful face. I don't see the bruises anymore but I know nothing's changed. I know he doesn't come for holidays because my Daddy would shoot him.
I wish that you could leave him, get a divorce and take the baby with you. You know that you could stay with us, both of you. I know you are strong in your faith, but I truly believe that your God did NOT intend for a marriage to continue when it is obviously such a travesty, a mockery of what a true union should be. And now you tell me that you are trying to get pregnant again!?! I don't see how that could do anything but make the situation worse, tie you even more securely to his slimy, weasel side.
He sits at home playing video games while you have to put the baby in daycare because you can't trust him to watch her. While you work your ass off to pay for the three of you. I just don't understand. I love you so much, I just wish that you loved yourself.
Me (baby girl)
Nov 26 2007, 11:07 PM
I dunno where to start. Should I give you the tough love you give everybody else, or should I try to make you feel better & stop your crying?
Maybe a bit of both.
SUCK IT UP! You've done this before & you'll probably have to do it again. Count your fucking blessings. Do you live in Darfur or Iraq or Myanmar? NO. Billions of people have it harder than you. At least you don't have to pay for this monetarily. So the bitch steals a little bit of your soul everyday. So she makes you think that hope is for suckers. In the long run, it's probably good for you. That which does not kill you (And that which you don't get convicted for!) makes you stronger. Quit being a whiny, crybaby pussy.
You are not a bad person. You are just a person that got caught up in a bad situation. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES THEY TELL YOU IT IS! Your mother is a grown-up, she made her choices, & you are doing the RIGHT thing by her. Your dad would be proud of you. Look at the good things in your life! There are people out there that love you & support you IRL & in cyberspace. You're smart, creative, talented, & motherfucking funny. Think of it this way: When all is said & done, you'll be able to use your experiences & your notes from the Lounge to write an absolutely SCATHING memoir.
And HB? Don't sweat it. If it's supposed to work out it will. You're both working outside of your comfort zones & you're both trying to make this thing last. Let him come for Xmas if he wants to. He knows what he'll be walking into. You love him, dumbass.
Nov 27 2007, 05:45 AM
Dear Cute Bartender,
Yes, you are that cute, but NO I DON'T PAY FOR IT. That's why after you propositioned me with a note letting me know I could have you for 200 bucks for a full spiritual release I sent you a note that said "Not that desperate, go to hell." But good luck with your future endeavors.
Nov 27 2007, 12:16 PM
i am feeling so horrible today. you know that I was up for most of the night, crying and worrying that I am going to fail at my job and really, at my life in general. I know that I'm about to bleed and this is part of the reason why, but it is crushing, totally crushing, to feel as scared about myself and my own integrity as I am sometimes. I am trying really hard to get it right. I hope that counts for something.
Nov 27 2007, 02:43 PM
Dear temp from my maternity leave,
What the fuck were you thinking???? Did you really just sit down one day and decide ways you could drive me nuts for months to come? Ok...so I get that you aren't an accountant(curse the stupid company for sending you) And my spreadsheets can be a little hard to understand if you don't know what you are doing. So you what? Just picked numbers outta your ass to put on them? Whatever! I fixed that. And the check sequence...I don't even want to consider what you did that made that so fucked up...and is there some super secret reason why a lot of those checks didn't seem to make it to their destinations in a timely manner?
Now I understand that I am not the neatest person on this planet....but my office is my own and it's like a bedroom...I have things put in certain places for certain reasons. I know you don't understand my personal organizational style...ok. Tidying up is one thing. I could even handle the reaarangeing of some of my stuff. It took a while but I finally fixed all the links from the computer files you put into sub folders...But it takes some real balls to remove things from my office altogether! Yes, certain office supplies really do belong in my office rather than the supply closet.!!
And now I realize my Farking Christmas decorations are missing?!!!!
You sure made yourself right at home in my office the short 5 weeks you were there! What kind of acid trip were you on that you thought you had the right to remove and/or throw away my personal stuff!! It's people like you that made me not want a temp in first place!
Anyway, Fuck off! Get your own office and don't fuck with other peoples when you are TEMPORARY!!!!!!!!
Mad Ass Pixie!
Nov 28 2007, 03:52 PM
very weird timing that we should at long last speak again last night.
am not entirely sure what to think of it yet, but it was o k.
maybe this will be a new superficial start for us, and that's where we should keep things from here out, or maybe not, but thank you for wishing me a happy birthday and the words of consolation about our Boy.
do Not, I repeat NOT, mess w/ them.
it's one thing for you to call us/the mr after so many (blessed) years of absence, directly on the heels of your most recent seperation from husband # 2 or 3, but entirely ANOTHER for you to call J & M today!
- did you really think that I gave you the wrong # for him on Accident??!
did my gushing on & on about how Happy he & M are, what a great Family they are w/ all the kids and how close we all still were, even from opposite coasts, not paint a clear picture for you to Back the Heck AWAY? that you don't belong in this and are Not welcome???
ohhh but you are a Crazy little psycho!
but I got your #. have had it from the 1st time I had the misfortune to set eyes on you when you pretended to be my friend, and now J & M have it too.
you seem so desperate to cling to these 2 long happily married men..to a time so long ago when they were kids and only trying to be kind bc they felt Sorry for you.
I am so struggling not to call you and tell you to go to hell, to leave all of us us alone and stop your stalking, but am fighting it.. bc I am afraid it might only fan the flames of your fragile mental delusion.
the Mr's Wife
Nov 28 2007, 05:11 PM
1. You're lucky I even answered my phone.
2. Representing yourself as a generic "Women's Group" looking to speak to "Ms. Catlady" is noble in that it wishes to preserve confidentiality; however, when I pressed you for more information and you did not give, I'm going to have to assume you're repping Girls Gone Wild.
3. Yes, I support your agency. No, you can't have my money right now. Especially if it's going toward hiring some evasive telemarketer to harass me for not being being more of a feminist. ("If you support our organization, surely you should join at the low price of...")
A better fucking feminist than you,
Nov 29 2007, 01:49 AM
Did I do you dirty? Why am I back to this low point?
If I could kick your ass, I would.
Dear Bus Driver,
I realize you hate your job. Why don't you just quit and get another one?
Stop making my (and other passengers') life difficult.
Nov 29 2007, 09:12 AM
as of Janiary 1, 2008 you are on a tight budget, you are banking more money, less spendy on visa and investments every cheque!!!
Good for you for sticking to this routine, I can feel the bidy changing much, and keep up the good work on taking the hound out so regularly!
Nov 29 2007, 10:27 AM
what is up with you? you don't need to impress me. you don't need to "invent" little rehearsed speeches that you can then pull out and babble to me at the appropriate moment. are you afraid i won't like you? how foolish is that? the times that you impress me most are the times you don't even try.
so stop this nonsense. got it?
Nov 30 2007, 12:31 PM
oh wow. i knew this day would come and i knew i would be affected but i guess i wasn't prepared for just how much. i know you were so tired and you were as ready to go as anyone could be. you had time to say goodbyes and make your peace in your way. i only hope that you went away knowing how much you meant to so many people (although i must add that i'm thankful i never got on your bad side! damn girl!). specifically, i hope you know how much you mean(t) to me. i know i told you several times but i never feel like i thanked you enough for what you did for me. yes, i still could and would have left r and i would have made my way on my own. but when you offered me a place to stay and supported me through that time, it meant so much and made it that much easier for me to get out of that situation. christ, if i'd had to stay in that place even one more night, i might not be here today. we both know what a lunatic he was. when i went in your office that day and shared with you what had been happening at home, you were just so giving and supportive. you didn't have to do that.
and i know you knew that mrfj and i weren't actually going out to get ice cream that time when he came over to visit me soon after. but i appreciate that you didn't judge me for it. or at least you never acted as though you did. you said i should be happy and that's all that matters. and i am. and i truly do thank you for the part that you played in that.
so today, i am thinking of you and remembering you at your best, the fun times: hearing you cackling from the other side of the office making jokes, wearing that crazy afro wig and tiedyed shirt every halloween, conspiring with me to buy gag gifts for co-workers, sneaking hits off the pipe on our lunch hour and then sliding chocolate across my desk with a knowing grin. sitting up with me and letting me cry and making me laugh though my tears.
you told me once that i was the daughter you never had and that meant a lot to me. you almost said it in front of my mom at the baby shower and you stopped yourself but it wouldn't have been a bad thing. my mom appreciated that you were there for me and wanted to thank you for it even but knew she'd probably cry. it's a little ironic that you died on my mom's birthday. or maybe i just read into things like that.
i know you didn't want a lot of people crying for you and so i'm trying not to. we're going to go to the beach this weekend, probably the one with the dolphins and send some pink flowers out in the current. i think you'd like that. it seems fitting for you. and i'll try to keep thinking "pretty pink thoughts" today and always because i know that's what you would have told me to do.
you will always have a special place in my life, ginny. i love you.
Nov 30 2007, 12:38 PM
you were blessed to have ginny in your life. and i am positive that she was equally blessed to have you in hers. it sounds like she would very much like it if you sent some pink flowers out to her in the ocean. Iemanjá, the goddess of the sea and of travellers, will also like this gift, and be sure to accompany ginny on this new voyage.
big hugs, querida,
Nov 30 2007, 12:53 PM
Nov 30 2007, 01:00 PM
Nov 30 2007, 01:51 PM
(((FJ)))) sweetie, I'm sorry.
Dec 2 2007, 08:32 PM
I'm having such a hard time without you, i thought i would, but i never knew just how much i needed you MJ. It all happened really fast. One morning i get a call from the job agency about a really good long-term, high profile, good pay assingment, and the next moment im drinking tons of water, taking vitamins with names and i cant even pronounce. All in attemps to get you, all of you out of my system. When my mom told me that my brother ratted me out to her, and told her that i had you in my glove compartment, next to the cute little glass elephant that i enjoyed you thru, i thought, well, maybe its time for some distance. But you make me see things on another level. When im lying restless in my bed, agonizing about what my life is going to end up like, or when im flipping the 5 channels my anttena can barley decipher, you make the anitique road show, or Nova and Frontline so much more important and funny and, and...well....bearable. Now, im a day away from taking a test to see if your still in me, and i know that you are. Now, i have to deal with my human lover being so intimate with you right in front of my face, and he wont even give me any knook knook to ease the pain. Now, i have to deal with things without you as a crutch and OH GOD IT HURTS!! im being strong tho! Even with you laying around taunting me with your golden orange buds in every corner of this place, im sticking to my guns. And i see now, just how much i depended on you and just how much that dependence SUcks! I know that we will meet again. I know that once we do, i will see you, feel you in a diffrent lite. Till then my green lover......
Dec 2 2007, 08:59 PM
i know that you are only out there doing your job of huffy puffy blustering but if you could Please howl and whistle just a little less ferociously so i might sleep tonight without nightmare visions of trees and telephone poles crashing over mine and the childrens heads. thank you ever so much.
if you could possibly see fit to leave my garbage can in my very own yard as well that would be simply marvy.
Dec 3 2007, 05:46 AM
Dear Mom and Dad,
Fucking hell. We all knew you were getting all the floors refinished on your entire ground level of your house for two weeks now. I've been saying over and over to come down and stay at our house. You are welcome. I'd have the room cleaned up for you and food in the fridge and everything. I just wanted it planned. Now, this morning, three hours before they start working, at 6:00 a.m. when Mr. Pug and I are on our way out the door you call to tell me that you, mom, my sister and two crazy pugs are most likely coming to stay for the next three days.
Thanks for the notice.
Your forever patient and loving daughter,
Dear Mr. Pugs,
I'm sorry. I'm adopted. What can I tell ya. It's all my mom's fault. She needs a month to make up her mind. Let's try to be positive about the last minute invasion and enjoy this week. At least we'll have each other from 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. right?
What?? You don't like the find your trashcan game?? Mr. Pugs plays it every week and he always looks like he's having a good time.
Dec 3 2007, 07:44 AM
i'm very sorry to have forgetten to ask that you Not knock things off the porch (how ever did you manage to strew the heavy items about the yard like that?), that you Not knock out the power and screw up my internet, and that you Not demolish the fence
. thanks for the reminder. next time i'll be sure to remember.
ha ha, very funny.
Dec 3 2007, 12:52 PM
soooo, you are going to attempt to go to montreal without using your credit card, using only the money you have in the bank right now?
okay. no prob. just remember please that this means:
-no specialty coffees
-no dinner at the marvelous delicious & convenient sushi place down the road
-no meals out at all, in all likelihood
-no value village
the good news is that if we respect this decision, we can kick it like mad in m-real with no guilt. and more cash to spend in a cooler locale!
you know, in all honesty, the whole eating out thing might be something to reevaluate anyhow. and also, the wisdom of online shopping.
you make good money, but let's focus on getting out of the red before we drop more bucks on whathaveyou.
Dec 3 2007, 03:36 PM
you're doing good, so- So good- and you fit into a size medium workout pants today- Yah YOU!
however, that does not mean it's time to sit back & rest on our laurels here, and eat crap.
that's exactly how we got into this fix in the first place.
we must remain persuant of better. more. stand in the mirror and flex those puny bicepts and be Proud you possess them! look at those other women's better bodies not as defeatism, but as Goal- like vision.
you're already 3/4th's to your first loss goal- if you achieved only that by the time the mr comes home, you're still Queen of the World!!
I know it's hard, hell it Sucks.
but every day you go, you come back a little bit stronger than you were the day before and think of how fabulously wonderful the mr is going to think you look, moreso than before, and how much better you will actually feel for being worthy of such iconic praise at last.
keep the faith, and the weights,
Dec 3 2007, 10:42 PM
I love you and I am sooooo Happy, even though I am broke, I am soooooooo Happy!!!!!
And what I mean by HAPPY is, for all the readers, is a kind of cosmic happiness!!!!
BTW: where is the drunken rambling thread because I am tipsy and loving life!
Dec 4 2007, 03:50 PM
You can't hurt me anymore. I won't waste my time or energy on hating you because in the end it only hurts me. So in the absence of hate, you are NOTHING. When I think of you, I feel nothing. Please let go of the past. It is really sad to see you still clinging on after all this time. If you really didn't care...you'd let go as I have and move on. You won't make me feel ashamed, angry, hurt or powerless. You can't threaten,intimidate or control me. There is nothing you can do to me that will make you feel better about who you are. You will have to live with who you are everyday for the rest of your life. I have made my peace with my past. Wake up! I have control of my life........and you aren't in it. And you will never be in it again. And I thank God for that!
Dec 4 2007, 06:12 PM
I love you. I pamper you (except for Friday night when I had to style you like the Bride of Frankenstein for the costume party). I forgive you for causing me grief during middle school. I have one request: Please stop shedding! I know it's because of stress, but I'm worried about you, my thick luscious sable locks will become as thin as an octogenarian's hair. There's only so much hair I can vacuum and "Swiffer-dust" off the floor, couhc, bed, etc.
With love and devotion,
Dec 5 2007, 06:59 PM
Dec 5 2007, 07:55 PM
What the fuck is wrong with you? All I wanted was to get a fucking tree. Then once I said that I wanted to have a party (a party for my friends because I rarely ever see them), you flip out! Fine. I'll have the thing at my house. If you can't be bothered to clean or make something (you're always talking about what a great cook you are, so I honestly wanted to show you off). You kept telling me that a party would be too much work. You're anxious about the holidays, and have been since Thankgiving. You have no friends, and I know your divorce was final last year. I'm just trying to make this holiday better for us, and make new traditions up.
Seriously pissed off sassy
FUCK YOU! All I wanted this Christmas was a nice quiet Christmas around my friends. You tell me that you are now coming up to Atlanta when I thought you were heading to Florida. I know it's a family thing to switch the script on me, but a little warning next time would be nice! I just saw you two weeks ago. I can't deal with you and dad's drinking.
Friends (online and other wise)
Thanks for letting me vent.
Dec 5 2007, 08:15 PM
Dear test results,
Please come back negative. I can't bear the thought of telling him.
Dec 6 2007, 07:41 AM
best not be jumping to conclusion before you know. How do you know the test wasn't for cancer? Mind you I wouldn't expect any better coming from a 13 year old, fundamentalist, narrow minded loser such as yourself. Nevertheless since you are a person who has never had sex, and who touches himself while posting doctored photos of miscarriages thus implying that the miscarriages are abortions, I would expect no less. Your lack of education and brain washing from a corrupt so-called Moral and ethical organization is crystal clear. My advice is that you educate yourself before shooting your mouth of. Hey, shouldn't you be raping some little boy and doing that which you consider most sinful, after all, all of your fundamentalist idols do this. So much for those being so moral. Shall I start to list off all of those you worship? Jim Bakker, ahhh tax evasion, sex with a minor and then he tried to buy her off! Why here is a handy little link and each of the evanglists even has there own heading about the scandals they were involved in! You must be so proud that most of the people you idolize have done jail time. And let's not forget the U.S. politicians who have anally raped thier wife while she was sleeping, the senator who was an outspoken opponent of gay marriage, yet was plying young men with drugs and having sex with them!!!!
Dec 6 2007, 05:47 PM
So we are reduced to passive aggressivly posting/blogging now? Ok...Lets get this out and over with once and for all. I don't know what you want from me. Funny thing about burnt bridges...it's really hard to rebuild them. And frankly, this is one that is staying burned. If you've really had some sort of epiphany and become a better person..good for you..maybe you can go through the rest of your life without leaving a path of destruction and wrecked lives in your wake.
What do I want from you? The truth maybe...a confession of sorts..not to me, but to others that you maliciously lied to about me. You twisted and manipulated and blew up every little detail you could to get the maximum effect and emotional response. You used all of us. Your "perpetuation" almost killed several of us. And several innocent people were also caught in your crossfire.
So if you've really changed...you need to own your shit..all of it! And I've let go of the hate...but there is nothing that could ever erase the memories and nightmares. So forgive me, if I don't want to have anything else to do with you.
Dec 7 2007, 09:36 AM
dear new girlfriend of my ex, don't take our your insecurity on me. i sent a christmas card to my ex-boyfriend. i put your name on it because i am polite and my mom raised me right. i was being polite to him mostly, but until you send me your snot ass email, i had no reason not to be polite to you as well.
i always suspected that he'd date someone after me with low-self esteem, and i already felt sorry for whoever he dug up from some mess to seem like a prince charming in comparison. but now i have the satisfaction that my suspicions were true, and that i knew all about him all along. you're someone who doesn't disagree with him, who tolerates him when he acts like a maniac because you're too afraid to be alone, who doesn't think you can do any better, and who in fact in the past has dated much worse assholes. glad you stepped up to a lesser asshole. you enjoy being miserable just as much as he does, so you can always feel like the underdog, the oppressed, and have that me-and-you-against-the-world everybody-hates-us false bond between you. if need to create drama and hate to keep that gluing your relationship together, keep me the fuck out of it.
sincerely, the woman you should be insecure about because i'm so much better than you
dear ex, you made all sorts of promises that you were gonna fix this anger bullshit so we could get back together. i was so stupid to believe you so many times before, but this time i wasn't convinced and i'm so so so so SO glad i'm a million miles away from your existence. you've not only never fixed this problem that is keeping you from having a good relationship with friends, family, or having a sucessful job, but you've now found someone who believes this is acceptable, therefore accepting your behavior as healthy. she is your enabler and i don't care if you live the rest of your life a bitter ugly useless old man. just know that i'm happy as hell i'm not any part of it.
believe me, i don't care about you anymore, and i certainly now do not give a shit whether or not you have a happy holiday.
sincerely, your loss
Dec 7 2007, 01:24 PM
Dear former friend
Its been 4 months since I received the collections letter from DirecTV; 4 months since you told me that you forgot to tell me the account was still in my name. 4 stinkin months since I paid almost $300.00 to keep that from ruining my credit. When I left, you told me that everything would be closed after you got that new job. Here it is almost 2 years later and I find out that you've been deceiving me all this time!! And you promised me that you would send some money to me to cover YOUR debt... Its damn near Christmas time, and I haven't received a dime from you. How dare you get an attitude with me when I ask when you're going to pay me?? I didn't do this to you. You did this to ME and to yourself. You knew that you couldn't pay for this damn service, why didnt you cancel it before it became over $200.00????? You dipshit. I want to scream at you and cuss you out like the lying bitch that you are. But, since you are 3000 miles away there's really nothing I can do about it except sit here angry as hell and broke wondering when you will keep up your end of the bargain. I cannot believe that you could call me on so many occasions and tell me about every detail of your sordid sex life with the stripper or the anorexic bitch with 8 kids. You couldn't tell me that you were running up a bill in my name??
You inconsiderate ass. You know that I just got married, and I had no intention of paying for anyone else's screwups while struggling paying my own bills. I'm just disgusted with you. The ONLY reason you havent been taken to small claims court is because you live in California, and I'm in North Carolina. It would cost me more to come there and pursue it than it will for you to give me my money. And i'm sure you were counting on that. WHEN and If you ever pay me, consider yourself a ghost to me because you don't exist. You've lied, manipulated, and basically STOLE from me. How the hell do I look having to pay for some satellite service that I have not had the pleasure of viewing? I don't even have cable at my house NOW. It makes no sense to me. But I hope you enjoyed that, it'll be the last time you ever pull some shit like this again. It really sucked to have to explain to my husband that I have to kick out that much money for something you did
Some people might think this is small, but I take it very seriously. I dont like people to lie to me! And thats exactly what you did. Blatantly lied to me on numerous occasions. I'm sick of playing nice. It makes me wonder what else you've done behind my back to screw me!! UUUGH I can't stand you.
Dec 8 2007, 10:13 PM
I love you. But I don't know if this is what I should be doing. I'm so frustrated with you, so often. You can't communicate, and what I need most is somebody who I can shoot the shit with all the time. I don't want this to end, but maybe I want you to be somebody you're not.
You don't have the faults of J, C, B, or CJ. That's why I chose you. You're not an asshole, you don't verbally abuse me, you're not boring in bed, you aren't ashamed to be seen with me in public, you're not an alcoholic. But maybe those things aren't enough reason to stay with you.
The question I've been asking myself lately is whether it matters more what you feel about me or how you show it. You say you love me, but you don't show it day-to-day in a way that I recognize. I want compliments and hugs and reassurance. You give me jokes and playfulness and enchiladas. Maybe this is how you show love.
I'm not leaving yet.
Dec 10 2007, 02:15 PM
Dec 11 2007, 03:24 PM
You still have a bit to go, but it's safe to say you have been the Year of the Curve Ball. Fortunately I've been through (some of) this before so I recognise that I have learned from everything that's happened, but still I think it's fair to say: sheesh.
I am glad my dad is well again and glad it wasn't a lot worse. As for everything else; well I'm shaken from complacency anyway. Overall I still feel fortunate.
A last (I hope) request: please can we get the job sitch sorted out for January? I will do everything I can (in between everything else) but if some karma could kick in that would be awesome, and I promise to deserve it and continue to work hard.
Many thanks, in advance. Hopefully, Me
Dec 11 2007, 05:19 PM
I am totally freaking out. What if we have nothing to say to one another? What if we've forgotten how to do it? What if you hate my banana bread? No, you won't hate it, it's damn good this time. Should I shave my legs? You always say you don't care. What if your plane crashes? Or I die on the way to the airport, and you're left waiting? Why do I always say these things at the worst possible time?
Why am I questioning the one thing I've been so sure about for the past 6 months? The one thing that's kept me going? We're in love, right? I should be ecstatic. Maybe I am. I think I will be. My biggest fear is that you'll somehow realize that it was all a big mistake, and turn around and go home. Maybe all the crazy stuff I said to you on the phone today has you thinking about it...
These things are just things that one shouldn't think too much about.
Looking forward to seeing you, I swear,
Dec 12 2007, 06:59 PM
dear apartment gods -
THANK YOU! the flat fucking rules. RULES! it's like you took pretty much everything I wanted and rolled it into one place. The neighborhood isn't exactly what I thought I wanted, but it may actually turn out to be better than where I originally wanted to be. And the flatmate situation seems ace.
dear universe -
could you please make the boy thing go as smoothly as the rest of my world?
thank you in advance
dear edie -
what you're thinking about is normal. Go take care of yourself -get a pedicure - make yourself feel nice. don't think. Just know that you are a rocking woman and that is why he wants to be your partner and come spend time with you. Trust that.
stop worrying. Just close your brain off of him and focus on yourself. All the rest will fall into place.
and have some great sex.
Dec 13 2007, 06:52 AM
Thank you for ruining the rest of my year. You know, you could've fought harder for me when Keebler Elf came ranting. Hell at this point, I don't even know why I lost my job. The Leprechaun doesn't even know my name. All he knows is I'm the chick that cut him off when he was yelling at me for something YOU did.
If I wasn't doing what I was supposed to, or slacking off, or just not being good at my job- then maybe I could wrap my head around this thing. If I'd known 6 months ago that I'd be let go, I wouldn't have worked so hard on that tedious ass project you had me straining my eyes for months to finish. If'I'd known that after correcting YOUR and other people's mistakes on said project, I'd get the boot, I would have told you to kiss my ass and do it yourself. If I'd KNOWN that all of my hard work and dedication to that jacked up ass company would go unnoticed for 2 and a half years- well, lets just say I wouldn't have wasted my time or yours even starting there.
The funny thing is, you allowed Numbnuts to stay there and continue to screw up everything! She was there longer than me and still doesnt know her job, but yet you had me re-training her and covering her ass when she decided she didnt want to come to work. and EVEN WHEN SHE WALKED OUT AND QUIT ON YOU IN 05. That is the biggest slap in the face. Yet you let her come back- she's still employed. I don't get it. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe there's something bigger and better out there for me. Meanwhile, I have to sit at home and wonder what is the real reason I got laid off. You certainly didnt give me much of an explanation nor time to really process what was happening. You let me work ALL day then tell me that day was my last. How inconsiderate of you, especially since you knew the day BEFORE that Mr. E. L. Fudge was gunning for me. Thanks, good looking out boss man! You could have saved me some tears and gave me some warning that it was coming.
You know during my performance review, you tried to lie on me. You couldnt give me examples of 98% of the crap you were accusing me of. I should have started job hunting that very day. But foolish of me, I didn't because I believed things would be different around there. I believed that there was still a shred of decency in that company, some integrity. I see now that there isn't. And I do pray that the people who are left behind get a better warning than the ones that were given the boot have gotten. You guys suck, and I hope you don't live to regret treating people the way you do.
Thanks for NOTHING,
P.S. Grow a spine, jellyfish. And stop kissing the Elf's ass. You YES MAN!
Dec 13 2007, 03:16 PM
What the @#$% is your problem? You drag your fat pregnant a$$ around the office and act like it's a CHORE to reply when I speak to you. And you might do me the courtesy of LOOKING at me when I speak to you! I've met your mother and I am sure she raised you better than that. I'd like to smack you upside the head for being so rude. I don't know why you're acting this way; you acted this way even when you weren't pregnant and hormonal. If you have some issue with me, you know where to find me. If not, SNAP the F#$% out of it, stop acting like a petulant little baby and GROW UP! One of these days you will get karmically smacked. What goes around, comes around. At least I have the satisfaction of knowing I'm the bigger person here and I don't treat you the way you treat me. BITCH. By the way, your daughter is adorable but your husband is no prize. He's as rude as you. F--- You Both!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And S and T too!!!
Dec 13 2007, 05:35 PM
I'm not better. I'm not ok. I want to fly up there and burn your house down.
Every morning i wake up thinking i hear your voice in my ear.
I'm really glad i met you. That's all.
If i were you, i would get my head out of my ass and smarten up. (if i were me, i'd do the same thing). C'mon, how many hints do you need?
Dec 14 2007, 12:31 PM
Dear everyone -
stop fucking emailing me and calling me starting at 8 in the FUCKING MORNING when I didn't get to bed until 5 am and that was after drinking 5 martinis. if my phone (which I have had to put next to me because I got sick of rolling over to grab it off the night stand) goes off one more time, I think I'm gonna throw it against the wall. I don't FUCKING CARE what you need. I just want a little uninterrupted sleep. Even if I am technically working.
ps - to my boss - seriously, I did not make out with your nephew last night.
Dear letter thread -
perhaps this belongs in the "inhebriated ramblings" thread.
Dec 15 2007, 01:29 PM
dear boss -
OK, I held out at party number one, but at party number two last night, I made out with your nephew. I felt like a Kamakaze pilot in WWII taking off and deciding to make the most out of going down in flames... I realize he's family and can't ever get fired, so please take pity on me and don't freak out and fire me or something, because I know you are uber protective of him.
anyway, it's practically a crime that any 23 year old should be so sexy and kiss like that. I couldn't help myself.
besides, it's the holidays! it's what you do at christmas parties, right? Deck the halls and all that..
Dec 15 2007, 03:18 PM
Aww, thanks for the kind words, Zoya... I just popped in here for the 1st time since he got here. (Everything's fine by the way- adjusting to being in a relationship again, but great sex is being had by all.)
Dec 17 2007, 07:29 AM
Dec 17 2007, 06:49 PM
I don't know how to react right now. I find out that you have been invited to a party I'm going to go to. Hell, I have to go to it, it's us four main people who do this seasonally.
If we didn't have to have at least a dozen to get the restaurant to do this you wouldn't have been invited. If I had my choice you wouldn't have been invited at all.
You were six months ahead of me in the apprenticeship. You always hit me up to be study partners. I thought we were really that, study partners.
I only found out years later that you were using me for answers, and that you were badmouthing tradeswomen from the start.
And now you're coming to the party.
I am so glad.
Because I can kick your butt from here to next year on my skills....you're nothing. I've the benefit of the most varied job available in this area, and you've been working on the outside.
This will be whatever I make it.
Dec 18 2007, 12:25 PM
I'm sorry for being too chicken shit to go to your baby's memorial. I know how long you've been trying and how heartbreaking it must have been to lose him right at the point where you thought you were in the clear. Every time I think about it, I snuggle little T a little closer!
I wish I could say something comforting or helpful to ease your pain, but there just isn't words to express! I'm so glad you got those two precious hours with him.
Dec 18 2007, 01:54 PM
Dear you know who -
I'm going to go out on a limb and ask you out. I have absolutely no idea what you'll say. I hope I don't scare you off..it would be great if you wanted to. uh huh.
putting on my kamakazi headband now, and getting ready to play with some fire,
Dec 18 2007, 09:00 PM
I want you to get arrested. I want you in jail. Being in jail is better then being out on the street doing God knows what to get your next fix. You are killing yourself and killing your family. We love you. The last two times you went to jail you were clean for over a year afterwards. I know you can do it but I don't think you can do it on your own. I want you to get caught and arrested. If I see you I will do my best to keep you in one place while I call the police. A warrent in Maryland and soon to be Delaware isn't enough. Now you are living with some piece of trash guy who you are doing God knows what with to get heroin. Enough is enough. Come home please. We'll go with you to turn yourself in. You don't have to do this alone. It's terrifing not knowing. Sitting here waiting for some news, good or bad, on the telephone. It's Christmas. Please come home.