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dear shiny

get off our fat ass and get your place ready for your baby! just make your self do it. baby should be enough motivation to get it done already. it's not like it will be any easier after baby is born. besides, it is about time to learn to use a power drill anyway. there is no reason to rely on mr shiny to do that sort of thing. you are all grown up and do not need to have a man around to 'help you' hang a stupid curtain rod.


dear mr shiny,

clean up your fucking gear already! oh, and stop eating the center out of the h2o melon and i will stop yelling about it!

Dear Self,

Walk the fuck away before you get hurt. Listen to your brain and heart here. Don't make me smack you! Enough is enough already. Don't you fucking get it?

Dear you,

You remind me of someone, me before I got a clue. It's not that I am trying to be mean. I know that a clue will come to you when you are ready, I just hope that a verbal bitch slap might help that clue along. It frustrates me when I hear and see you fear things that I no longer fear. I want you to be able to tell people to go to hell and not have your time wasted. Yes, you will be called a bitch and a cunt, and those people who call you such might not like you or want to be your friend, but really did you really need their approval? Please I'm am trying to be compassionate, but sometimes compassion fails with the best of intentions. Tell someone to fuck off and please stop being so weak when I know that you are not.

hey ann-
fuck you. fuck you sideways up the ass with something sharp, serrated, and rusty, and i do mean that in the most literal sense. what you said was ugly and mean, and everyone i've told about has said "well, you know ann's a bitch like that". and you are, and i should have known better. i don't care if you're pissy that we rearranged your lab while you were gone (a lab that belongs to the company by the way, and which you will be retiring from in a few blessed years) and took down your pictures (from, again, company property), or your hormones need adjusting, or whatever it is that makes you such a shitty excuse for a human being. i wanted to share a happy moment, and you did your damndest to try and take that from me. but guess what bitch, the joke's on you. i have literally a hundred more people that are happy for me and proud of me and all the hard work i put in to get that position and know i deserve it, and their opinion of me far outweighs that of one bitter, toxic, dried up old hag who can't even find the least teeny tiny bit of humanity to at least pretend to be happy about something good happening for someone else. this new job means i can get my own place so that i can have my daughter with me full-time, and do everything for and with her that i haven't been able to afford to up to this point. so yeah, it is a pretty "big fucking deal". in the meantime, you and your bullshit aren't bringing me down in any way shape or form, and once j gets back next week and i'm back on my own shift (really my own shift now, and it feels damned good to say it), i can go back to never having to see your sour pruneface around the office. oh, but do let me know when they're going to do your retirement party dear, because i want to stand up in front of everybody and tell them how glad i am to be seeing the broad backside of you.
Dear guy at improv place,
what the fuck? Must you get my hopes up and then crash them? You call me and tell me to send my resume which I do, and then we could schedule an interview. No fucking call. Perhaps you're busy, but could not leave me hanging on the line like that? Because you know, I really wanted this job!! Yes, it was only part time, but it would be nice. Fuck off. And by the way, Dad's Garage. Much better improv group than yours!! That's why yours is always empty!! They're actually funny.


Dude, I miss you. But it doesn't mean I'm just going drop my life this weekend b/c we haven't seen each other in like 3 months. Make some time for me. Alone. Without our sig others. And you did become one of those annoying married couples who can't leave his wife for his friends that he had before he met his wife. Well, I was here before her. And yeah, I'd love to move to Athens and work with you. Yet, I don't know shit about computers. And, you'd hit on me. Again. Not sure if I want our friendship to go down that route. I'm finally in a good relationship. Do you get that? Hell, you dropped the bomb on me that you got married. I could do the same to you.


Just move. Lose weight. Get a job.


you lying selfish fucking self-centered bitch. i've worked the last two weeks straight without a full day off, without seeing my child, and i've worked the last three saturdays in a row. and now the one weekend that you didn't think to ask for the saturday off, that i told you i wouldn't be covering for you because i've been working my ass off and need to spend quality time with my child, the one full weekend i've had in i don't know how many weeks, and you suddenly get this little tickle in your throat and start spewing some noise about you don't feel good. you think i don't know what you're doing? you think boss lady doesn't know what the fuck you're doing? she called to give me a heads up today, and believe me, we know. you pull the sick card tomorrow, well you're just digging yourself down deeper in a hole you might not crawl out of. oh, i'll come in and cover for you, because i'm the responsible, reliable one here, and that's what you're counting on. but me and boss lady both know exactly what you're about, and there will be consequences. but you just keep right on digging girlfriend, cause my life will be a hell of a lot easier when your bullshit gets your conniving lazy self fired. enjoy going out on your brother's boat tomorrow. i hope your stupid ass falls overboard and drowns.

I miss you.

why tonight out of the blue I started thinking about you.. and realising that damnit I don't even have a # to reach you and haven't had one sinse I returned to the States almost 5 years ago now and so even if I wanted to, I can't just call you, akward and weird as it would be if I could.

m I am self- estranged from.
her fault.
love her yes, like her No.
her choice.
it is the decision to seperate from her I felt I had to make as politically we are oceans apart (and wish her to move to a commie-loving hippy commune outside our blessed boarders here; - bon-voyage!) and that is where peace was finally found for me.
but I never countered this missing of You.

you of the mixing of both childhood glee w/ equal parts rage and horror and terror.
you of terrible practical jokes on dad and the dr jekle/mr hyde deep scaring of my psyche.
you who makes my heart bleed when I think of your brilliance and all that has been wasted as your illness gives to you so lavishly but then savagely takes away even more than that.
I hurt for you over the duration of my life in ways you cannot fathom.

for a long time I was able to be blaise about you/it.
I could talk open and helpfully about your manic depression to others " my brother is bi-polar.. it was like ______ when we were growing up, bc back then it didn't have a name or a diagnoses but there are certain things that stand out now that we see the cycles.. "
but now you are getting married again I hear.
4th time.

you didn't tell her, til you went manic again and started spending like there was no tomorrow I hear.
she freaked out. threw you out.
mom tried to explain to her.
had wanted to talk to her about it for a long long time knowing you most likely Wouln't tell her but didn't know if it was her place to do so, wanting to protect her or at least give her a Head's Up least she see at some point your temper or deep deep comatose depression and not understand.

you think that we are out to ruin any chance for happiness w/ someone when want to tell these women.
that we can't stand to see you happy at all.

you don't understand that we, as women, as wives and mothers, are simply trying to protect them in ways we were unprotected ourselves from you over the years.
as much as we Love You, it's a compulsion as strong as deep as time itself, not against you, but For You. to level the field a bit on Your Behalf.
thinking maybe if we can make This One (assuming she's not crazy in her own right as some have been) educated and strong enough, she'll be the one to stay and take care of you and keep you on your meds and love you love you love you forever and ever and we won't have to think of you alone and hurt and suffering, sometimes on the streets or in some seedy rundown hotel, cut off from the family by your own accord bc you have had another breakdown and are sure we are all against you.

my God I am 36 and my feelings for you are so Complicated!!
you who don't give 2 shits about me I know.
who loves me in the way you can.. but have no memory or recollection of the nightmare that was your illness manifesting itself w/ me as it's sole captive and so you can say you are sorry once, when it took me more than 15 years to get up the nerve and nearly throwing up still, to shakily face you and tell you "I am not scared of you anymore." and you had no idea what I was even talking about.


irriplaceable piece of my heart.
excuser from school to play foosball.
man of eire.

call your sister.


Dear Life,
I hate you.

Dear Work,
I hate you too. Yes, I do call out a lot. And yes, I did have a valid reason today. So fuck off. I don't even make enough to cover all my rent and bills, the hours you give me fucking suck (1-10? What the fuck kind of shift is that?), and I'm way the fuck beyond depressed that my life sucks ass right now. And now my car won't even start and I'm stuck in this fucking hellhole. So fuck you, "job." I'm not in the fucking mood to walk all the way to the fucking bus stop in this heat and wait around forever just to put up with your retail bullshit. Furthermore, I don't have any cash on me, so I'll have to walk somewhere to get change first. Fuck that. Fucking fire me for all I care. I can't take this bullshit anymore.

Dear Master's Degree,
What the fuck are you good for if I can't land a real job and be able to pay my own way in life? Your existence only serves to depress the shit out of me.

Dear D.

Why? I miss you. I don't even know what is going on here. I don't know if this is feelings or what this is. I'mso confused.

Dear T,
Whether you were actually interested or just humoring a pathetic lil' drunk girl with a crush, thank you for being all flirty and taking the time to talk to me. It was nice. smile.gif

Dear Sprint,
Screw you and your asshole customer service, we're out.

Dear chick at bookstore,
please read application at love it at hire me. I need job for I'm sick of being in my apartment. I just want to work. I don't really care the hours, but I do need to pay the rent.
dear Mother,

DO you think you could stop being such a childish bitch? You are 53 for fuck sake!

Dear Oreos Dad

It really makes me upset when we try to get out and do things and all you can do is complain. It makes me embarassed and a bit sad that despite being able to make time for each other, you still find some way to overshadow the experience with your selfishness. The waitress does not bring you the sandwich without tomatoes or any other veggies and you feel it necessary to raise a big stink. Eating that way is unhealthy anyway, but maybe you act like this because you are so constipated from eating meat and cheese most of the time? If you are so picky about what you eat, lets just stay in and never go out. I'm tired of being embarassed when we go out and your order is not exactly right.

Me (On the right side of the bed)
dear you guys -

I love you to death and you are seriously like my brothers. Which is why I take seriously the stuff you were saying last night while we were drinking together.... oh my god. It really cut me deep when you compared me to P, who wants to have a girlfriend so bad and is so overly nice to girls that it's just too much. He is such a nice guy, but eww. Shit. Am I really like that? I know you say that only with best intentions in mind. You totally love me and want to see me with someone great - but crap. Hearing you say that I should be more of a bitch kinda hit hard, especially when you compared me to P. UGH. And you know that lately all of my guy friends (not just you guys) have been telling me that I need to stop being so nice and so proactive. That I need to stop always being there. That I need to make the guy work for it a little.

But you know what? I'm so fucking afraid of that. What if I do step back, what if I am more of a bitch, and then the guy that I like just goes away? hmm. Total fear of mine. but shit. If I'm like P, then he's gonna go anyway, because that would mean I'm just too fucking sappy sweet and always around. gross.

I guess I do just need to do my thing and be myself and stop always being so damned available and nice no matter what. I know you guys are right. I need to make my life about me.

And as S said, "things that are difficult to get are the most precious." I have such a hard time trusting that. but shit.

Anyway, thanks for saying that to me, but god. I'm mortified that you are comparing me to P - for me. argh.


Dear MN,

I'm sorry. I feel like the most horrible person in the world. I cried all the way to work after this happened.


Dear D.

Fuck you. He is one of my best friends, him and I have known each other for 12 mother fucking years. One man already came between us and took 5 years of our friendship, I am never allowing that to happen. Besides, if you seem to think this is going on between him and I and you and I aren't even dating that sure does point out the fact that you have control issues. So, who do you think I'm going to stand by a man I am not dating or a man who has been by my side for so many good, bad and everything in between moments in my life? Take a wild fucking guess. It sure as hell isn't you.

DKS and I have a lot of catching up to do, and when we get together we laugh and have intense conversations and discussions. I didn't get that out of you. Ever. You clearly have a problem with this, but I don't give a shit. He is there for me more than you ever were. And don't give me that bullshit that yuo are busy. So am I, so is he. You can't expect me to lounge around and just wait fo you to call when your other plans fall through. I also have a life.

With that sid, there was never any chance that you and I were going to get back together. Now that this very important part of you has come out in the open (while we aren't even dating at that) really says soemthing. Remember, I spent 6 years with someone like you, and I can smell a man like you a mile away. Based on this, there is no chance in hell that we are ever getting back together.

Au revoir, good ridance and here's a collective fuck you from me and DKS.


P.S. I told him everyhing that happened too. He's standing behind me on this one. He knew that I wasn't going to get back together with you. And he told me that you would be lucky if I did. Looks like you aren't so lucky.

Dear DKS.

Thanks for listening to me vent about above situation last night. I hope we can get together this weekend. Things are good between us now. I told you, those feelings are gone.

...false alarm.
Dear Google:

Fuck you. The Internet is no longer the Wild West it used to be in the mid/late 1990s. I feel like nothing I write is safe anymore. Everything is searchable. I hate it.

Le blerg,
oh rudderless...
Dear CG,

What are you fucked? Your age is clearly showing, no wonder you haven't been in a long term relationship! Bitch, you are sending me texts from his phone and I know for a fact you are obsessing about me. Grow the FUCK UP! That's just wacky what you've done! And believe me, I know what pleases your boyfriend, he's definately not the first man I've fucked, nor the last. I just know how he wants it, so I gave it to him. You are a waste of my time.


Dear Maude,

Even if I could send this to you, I'm not so sure I would. I know we haven't been BFF for a really long time and I still have my doubts about you, but please, I'm on my knees begging you to please heal me and make me better. As you know, I've been in excruciating pain recently. Just when I thought I was getting better, I was knocked down again and had a setback. I can't even sleep soundly because of the pain and it's threatening to make me batshit crazy. And you know how strong I am. Just between you and me, I do think I've learned the lessons I've needed to learn from this wretched experience. I am ready to embrace the future. So please, Maude, do what you can to make me better. I'll be patient. And I'll continue to do my part, too. I just want to feel human again. I just want my life back. I want my body back, and I will treat it right this time.

Plus, I'm kind of getting bored with the whole "seated woman with a parasol" thing. I don't want to feel safe in my frame.

In Maude I trust (uh... I think?),
1st post / letter unsent

So I found out this AM that my godmother Fran died.

Fran was my mother's best friend for well pretty much forever. She
was a second mom to me growing up. Fran was the Italian mother that I
probably got my Brooklyn fell off a truck accent from. It was from
her that I learned how to make all of my comfort food from scratch.
Thanks to her I can clean squid and make octopus, from just caught sea
critter to faboo appetizer or main course.

From her I learned to love reading, submerging myself into book after
book, inhaling several in a week, losing myself in the lives and
fantasies of others.... seeing what they wanted me to see and delving
into the twists and turns of language and imagination.

From her I learned an appreciation of antiques, from her Picasso
sketches that hung in her living room, the Queen Anne furniture, the
jewelery of the 20's, the clothing and raiding of her own closets of
the 60's and 70's.

From her I learned that speaking ones mind was never an option and in
this life telling the truth is always a virtue even if it hurts some

I learned being domestic doesn't mean you can't also be a feminist.

I learned some of these things from my own mother as well, but spent
tremendous amounts of time with Fran growing up.

When my mother got sick, Fran's health had been iffy for years. She
had become addicted to prescription painkillers and wasn't the same
Fran we always knew. Before my mother went into surgery, (maybe 3
days before), Nancy another friend came to the hospital that my mom
was in with Fran so that Fran could get a re-up on her scripts because
she had gone through her codeine like candy again. When they refused
to give her more than 10, she insisted on sitting downstairs in the
lobby and waiting until Nancy was done visiting my mother instead of
coming upstairs to see her best friend. She was so angry that mom had
a brain tumor and was going to die, that she couldn't see her. Years
ago, I was furious. I couldn't believe that she was so selfish as to
not be there for her friend. To hold the hand of the woman who for
years held her own through her cheating husband, her illnesses, the
loss of her business, the abuse she suffered at the hands of my
godfather Joe.... it killed me.

I just had the realization this morning how many years later that Fran
just couldn't face the loss of her other half. She was so pissed and
lost at the thought of losing my mom and her support and friendship
that she just couldn't look it in the face. My mom went into surgery,
the icu, the hospice and into death without ever seeing or speaking to
her friend one last time. She never came to visit, and she didn't
come to the memorial. When I called her that Christmas, she refused
to take my call. I felt shunned and denied love as melodramatic as it
sounds. The only other person in my life who I could express my grief
to, that I felt as comfortable heaving sobs into the bosom of, whose
hug would make everything ok somehow... that touch, the only other
person who could have provided me with my mothers comforting touch had
closed the door on me completely.

Fran, once such a source of unending support to me was now alien. I
tried over the past couple of years several times to reach out to her
and see her, but she never reached out to me to grab my extended hand.

My sister Tanya is still so angry. When I told her this morning, she
just said, "That's sad." She can't forgive. She sat holding my mom's
hand the day Fran was at the hospital, 2 floors down, refusing to see
her. She told Tanya she didn't know if she could do this without
Fran. I think Tanya in a weird way thinks that Fran's being there in
the end, holding mom's hand with us, would have changed the situation
somehow... i dunno.

I do know that I'm sad. I long and remember the Fran who I had
growing up, and don't know what to do with the vestiges of anger that
I'm left with that seem so pointless.

Here's to Fran. I loved you, I love you still and I hope you and mom
have reconciled and are playing Canasta at that big folding card table
in the sky, with the surf pounding the beach in the distance,
Louisiana Crunch Cake on the table, mom with her coffee, you with your
cup of Lipton with exactly 1 and a half sugars, and a touch of milk,
arguing over the hottness of Tom Selleck's mustache and chest hair.

I love and miss you both so much. Now, I REALLY have no one to play
Canasta or Rummy Cube with. lol.

See you on Tuesday Fran. I'll make sure no one talks shit about the
way you look at Perazzo's. Fucking Peyton Place Fran
and mom used to sit a wakes and when someone invariably sat down to
talk about how the deceased looked in their coffin, one or the other
would snap, "How good should they really look? I mean they're DEAD
for crissakes."

LOL. You all can thank Fran for me saying "Oh Christ on the cross!"
I think that the first time I got detention, it was in 3rd Grade for
saying that.

2nd post /letter unsent...
More Fran
Thank You all for your kind words about Fran's death from this post

I ordered flowers today that said "beloved godmother and friend" from
Z*** C******* and family. I still think it's funny no matter how
often I add my name to spell checks it always comes up. heh.

I'm going to both viewings 2 - 5 PM and 7 - 9 PM. I feel like
somehow, even though part of me has the weary mindset still of, "I'll
give her and her family they DIDN'T give my mother and our family",
but even as the thought jumps in my head I'm simultaneously pushing it
out because I know it's not beneficial. To my acceptance and moving
on from her passing, my own issues still about my mother's death, and
just to have that negativity pulsing through me. It's completely
childish, and well just bullshit.

I did however write out by hand from memory how to clean and make
octopus salad, scungili, pasta from scratch and her baked dishes,
lasagna, sauce from scratch, her regular meatballs, baked 3 meat
meatballs, manicotti, eggplant parm and etc... I should scan them,
lol. I was a bit obsessed and crying and freaking out because there
were steps I was forgetting, I was x-ing out large sections of
recipes, crossing things out, rewriting, in other words, maniacally
making myself better somehow remembering everything I had been taught
and observed over the years.

Do I remember how to properly de-bone a leg of lamb? yep. Fillet a
tenderloin? Make pesto? check check and check.

Do I also remember her penchant for Harlequin Romances? And my shock
that she read such trite bullshit? This educated, debating woman who
would read the NY Times front to back, section upon section falling
around her in scattered piles of newsprint and glossies, as she
dropped them to the floor and moved onto the next?

Her response about the Harlequin heaving bosomed covers and insipid
bullshit that filled the pages within?
"Even the jaded and educated sometimes need fluff and romance, even
the never-gonna-happen variety. Think of it as my version of those
dirty letters in Penthouse... no woman actually does any of that shit
either, but men and women read it and believe it and get off on it."

I'm laughing because I can remember my mom's response to Fran's
Harlequins... (seriously, she'd have a romance novel half cracked
sitting on top of a Leon Uris novel "The Haj" I believe that she was
rereading for the third fourth or fifth time)... mom would say, "ah
Zuba, that's a so what. I can still talk to her about reality, we all
need to escape somewhere sometimes."
And we did.
To the Jersey shore, to libraries, countless trips to the Museum of
Natural History, (Erica remember me getting teary at the whale?), Howe
caverns, trips rock collecting, Bear Mountain, Jones Beach, the Met,
the Guggenheim...

Her showing me the abstract beauty of Picasso, and not shying away
from the stories of how unhappy and possibly mentally unbalanced he

She bought me I, Tina when I was in 4th grade, so that I could read
the first account of domestic abuse and drug use. I got into so much
trouble for that book report. The nuns and the principal thought it
was inappropriate reading material for my age. I can remember mom in
the principal's office, and the next day Fran marching right up to
Guardian Angel after school to give Sr. Joanne a piece of her mind. I
can't recall all of what she said, but distinctly remember her saying
something about them wanting me to order Garfield comic books to
expand my mind.

I can remember that your favorite perfume, for the love of God, WHY!
was Emeraude. I would buy you the biggest gift sets of it 3 times a
year... for mother's day, your birthday and christmas.

I bought her the only religious icon pendant she ever wore on a chain.
Peter her son said she died wearing her St. Francis of Assisi metal.

She loved me. She abandoned me when I needed her most, but for many
years she was my everything. When I think on it, I feel almost guilty
writing about her as much as I am right now, but I'm so torn wanting
to celebrate her, and at the same time wanting to kill her all over
again when I remember the hurt that quickly went across mom's face at
the mention of her before surgery, and how she would call out for her
at night when she wasn't there really anymore after the surgery.

Obviously I miss her. That much is clear. And I'm angry that things
weren't right between us when she died. The fact that she's truly
gone? is currently killing me I think, just a lil bit at a time,
since I found out.

Dear Paul,

Fuck you. after all this time and my requests to get my stuff back you finally decide to reply. You are a useless motherfucker. You are spineless, and instead of being honest about ending our friendship, you hide under the guise that you just need to take a break. Go to hell. I think you are a pathetic human being and a waste of skin and space. I surround myself with people who I know will support me unequivocally, people who I know care about me. You are none of those things. I want you delete my number and please never call me again. You are disrupting my harmony. You haven't seen me around a year right, oh how I've changed. I don't take shit anymore. You are in your 30's, maybe it's time for you to grow the fuck up.


Dear Universe or whatever,

What the fuck is with these curve balls being thrown at me. What's with all the drama? There better be some fucking pay off in the end, because I've been more that patient with all the crap that's been going on.


Dear S,

you are by far the weirdest partner I've ever had,
and now that I've broken up with you, it feels like I'm letting you go so fast
my heart can't keep up. It's like I put up with your strange and often hurtful
behaviour for too long, and when I finally decided that it was no use anymore,
I just cut you off entirely. It probably means something, but it doesn't feel all
that good. I'm used to grieve when a relationship ends. I'm not sure I'm grieving at all.

I mostly regret that I wasted my time.
When people seem to talk an awful lot about themselves, that's what they'll continue to do.
When people have a hard time dealing with their own and others' feelings, that's probably not going to change.
When a person would rather feel sorry for himself for years and years, than taking the time
and trouble to improve his life, then as their partner, you're probably not going to make much of a difference either.

In fact, I DID make a lot of difference, but while doing it, I also gradually lost my romantic
feelings towards you. You said that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. Yet you
couldn't show it. What was that shit with Depressed Facebook Girl? How the hell could her
depression be more important to you than how I felt? And for that matter, even if it really
isn't any of my concern, how your mum felt, or your sister? You said you were all "drained"
because "everyone" "wanted so much" from you. Well, A) If you don't act the good samaritan
with every anguished girl you find on Facebook, that's not going to be so much of a burden,
and B ) WELCOME TO MY WORLD! Do you think being your girlfriend has been easy?
You are a handful and then some, my friend.

Just when I began to feel that things were actually looking up, you "met" her (i.e you talked online),
and even if it is as you claim, that there was no romance involved, it really made
all my efforts with you backfire. You went from being happy about your new life
with me, to slowly begin to make remarks now and then, about how I was "like a queen",
"demanding", "hard to please", "snobby", "harsh" even. This was when I had made you
begin to take baby steps towards actually eating home-cooked meals and not just canned
ravioli, cut down on your heavy meds, take more walks for vitamin D and general well-being,
clean your apartment once in a while, and working towards eventually a) going back to college
or b ) getting a part time coder job. Yeah, that is REALLY harsh and demanding. Inhumane, even!

You began to team up with "the underdogs", dayjobs were suddenly the Evil Conformist Society's
ball and chain on creative "outsiders". You began to talk resentfully about "normal" people (again),
and cities, and rambled endlessly about becoming a hermit in the woods, living simple and growing
your own crops, just reading and working with your hands. That would all be very well and good if
you had EVER worked in a vegetable plot in your entire life. You wouldn't last A MONTH in a cottage
in the woods. You can't even do the dishes without breaking half of it, for fuck's sake.

You're soon to be 27, and you act like you're 19. You scoff at people your own age working
and taking everyday responsibilities. Just a few months ago, you applied for coder jobs at big firms
and were about to finally stop wasting your life away, they were all really interested in what you
could do. You were cheerful and proud of what you had accomplished, with my help. Then all of a
sudden you took 10 giant leaps backwards, and I was not your loving girlfriend anymore,
but "high-maintenance", "bossy" and suddenly also "too popular"!!? Well I'm sorry if I don't intend
to bury myself in sack-cloth and ashes with you just yet, but I actually consider myself quite young,
and generally happy. And no, I have absolutely no intention to become a hermit in the woods with
you because society is evil. I can't see how that would make anything better - for you, me or
the Society. The Evil society, that is.

I think the definition of "high-maintenance" is someone who requires a lot of attention and service.
As it happens, that description fits you to a tee.

I hope you have a good life, S. I fell in love with you for several reasons,
but those reasons weren't enough in the long run. What were the reasons exactly, you ask?
Well, that you're a genius, that you're very kind, that you can be extremely funny, that you share
all of my values and a lot of my interests (in a very narrow field), and you're cute. You're still all
of those things, and I genuinely hope you'll find someone who'll put up with you. Because sadly,
I don't think you'll change.

Take care of yourself, and please get out in the sunshine once in a while.
You'll make me sad thinking about you if you don't.

/your ex

PS: Yes I know, it could have been beautiful. Maybe it even was, for a little while.

Dear P,

Oh, I see it's been some time and you have been attempting contact. As usual, I've jumped to conclusions. Sorry. Good to hear from you!


Dear D,

Okay, take the below letter and put your name there. What's going on???? Have you made your choice?Oh well.


Oh and she can't do for you what I can. Later my dear!
Dear Self,

Let's try to make some progress this year, shall we?

Dear S,

You let me read your secret blog today because I asked if I could,
and the things you had written about me were so noble and had so much heart,
it made me feel insanely shitty to have complained so much about your weirdness.
At the same time, it made me even more convinced I did the right thing, at the right time.

You are clearly not heartbroken over me, and even if it stings a bit I guess it's only fair.
I'll settle for: "C is the best person I know in this world, and she has helped me
through so much, and given me a solid self esteem, from having none. I am not afraid of anyone.
She built me up when I had burned all my bridges. I feel so incredibly happy, so strong.
What happened between us was magical. It really was. She is the best thing that ever happened to me."

Those words made it all worth it. It's weird, because from a personal point of view, it was
draining, and you weren't able to give as much back as I gave you. But to know that I changed
your life and your self image so fundamentally.. I can't quite describe that feeling. It's amazing.

At times when I was upset and asked "do you really love me? are you attracted to me at all?"
you just looked at me funny and said "You're my ideal. It's a funny feeling, you know. Like dating
your guiding star." That was your answer every time. That, and "My feelings aren't very intense.
I'm not an intense person like you. I couldn't ever like anyone more than I like you. You are my
ideal person. I want to become like you. That's my goal!"

That answer was so... beautiful, and flattering, and so very wrong, all at the same time.

You wrote that you love living where you do, and that you never want to move. That's what I've
suspected for some time. I used to think everything would become better if you moved here,
but I was clearly wrong. I don't get how you can live in that stupid small town, but you have to
decide for yourself what's best for you. You also wrote that you'll never have a long distance
relationship again. That narrows your options down quite drastically, I'm afraid, unless there
is some cute, bookish hermit living in a forest nearby. Who knows?

You also wrote that you're determined now that you'll never have children.
That's another reason it's good I let you go, because I want kids some day.
At least I want to have the option.

Last, you wrote that you're never going to adapt to this world. That eventually
you'll get a coder job (yay, S!) but you will never, ever change for anyone
anymore. You'll just be your own weird self, and feel good about it.

That's both lovely and sad at the same time. I love that you feel so good about yourself,
when you used to feel so worthless and depressed. But if you're never going to adapt to
this world a little more, I'm afraid you'll end up quite lonely.

You are so "Benny & Joon", S. I don't know if you're Sam or Joon, though. A bit of both,
I suspect. Maybe I'm a bit of both too, just not quite as much.

I'm truly happy we both came out of this in time, feeling strong and not crushed.
I still want to be your very best friend, in time. I just have to rant a bit about you first.

big hug,

Dear thread,
sorry for hogging you.

Dear M,
sorry for reacting so weird to going out for coffee together - I really don't know what got into me.
My apologies were sincerely meant, and I DO think it would be great to chat a little.
However, although I joked about it quite bluntly, I also really don't want this to be a date.
I don't know if you'll even respond to my e-mail now, because I'm afraid I put you off.
The only reason I said what I did was because I'm stressed out since I'm almost flat broke,
the S business is still very much an issue for me, and you're sending me somewhat unclear vibes.
The old "is this a date or is it not" conundrum isn't really something I need at the moment.

So, to make this perfectly clear: if you can accept my apologies and think nothing of it,
then we can have that coffee/beer and hopefully have fun with no strings attached.
If you're really as put off/hurt as you seem to be, then I don't think it's wise that we
see each other, because then you either really wanted it to be a (semi-)date, or you
take yourself or me much too seriously. I'm really not up for that either.

So what's it gonna be?

best wishes,

Dear whatever runs the show,

Awesome awesome awesome. I need to return to my life, work and love reality, but right now I am so so happy. Rock on.

I'll keep my head down and busy now. But, awesome.

Dear you -

Do not EVEN do the disappearing act again. Don't. You're great on the uptake, but afterwards, hrm. YOU need to come at ME. You've been doing that so far.. I'll give it some time and patience, but dammit. it's just... fuck.

I really really wish I didn't wuss out on talking to you more about your disappearing thing. I know I had the open door - you gave it to me - but I chickened out. I don't know why. Probably now I'm just playing it safe. You were totally open to it too, and I could have addressed it. ugh. Dammit. I'm still learning how to do this stuff.

Did you even get my text last night? It seems like if you did you would have returned it.. I mean you told me to text you.

I'm gonna be patient but you gotta do this. I hope you do.


ps- good boy for coming out and saying that you'd like me to come visit (or you'd like to come visit me) yes, I'd like that a lot.

zoya -

patience, woman. Just do your own thing.

oh, and go eat something.

Dear you -

it really feels strange to me that we hang out, have a great time, talk about visiting, have great conversation as usual, then I don't hear from you. Two or three days is not a big deal as we're busy - but for you to not even IM in 5 days and say hello just does not feel good to me. When you're getting ready to see me, you are able to shoot me a text here and there - and certainly after we hang out, I expect some 'decompression time' but for you to pull the disappearing act is just not cool with me.

If you want to see me, if you want to spend time with me, you have to make more effort than this. You were making it, but it seems now that you got the time / booty / whatever from me, I'm back on the shelf. Actions speak louder than words, and your actions this time around have been great up to this point. At this point, your actions tell me that you're not that into me. So if you indeed are, you need to make more of an effort. It doesn't have to be anything sweeping, just keep in touch for god's sake.


dear zoya,

i hope you reread these posts of yours in here. i have met you and you are a very hardworking, beautiful, and smart woman. a man should be willing to work hard, if not harder, to keep you as his partner. please don't waste your time with this loser. seriously. you have so much to offer a "good" man. i only write this letter cause i care about you.



What am I gonna do? I'm hitting all the burnout criteria and I'm too damn young to breakdown (again). I'm tired all the time. I'm taking responsibility with no control. I'm operating without support. I'm doing stuff beyond my training. I'm training beyond my skills. Beyond anything, I'm working with idiots and arseholes.

But what am I gonna do? I'm applying for jobs, I'mnot getting them. I don't know that working scutwork is gonna help me, but neither is a big chunk outta my career. I've wasted so much time here. So much time. My boss is a moron and can't do the work she needs to be able to do. She can't even see her problems.

I'm over-eating, I've got the compulsive tics back, I'm twitching again and I've got the suicidal ideation shit invading my head. There's noise inside my brain. I can't keep doing this.

And then I think of chucking it all in and starting my family before it's too late - but how can I have kids? Fucked up, stupid, mean and bitter old me, even with Nova's help?

Give me a sign?
Dear Most of My Female Friends,

God, you're lame.

I love the way you only get in touch when you need something from me, and the rest of the time I hear nothing from you. You're so fucking transparent. You know, every time I see one of your names on my cell phone, I say to Bill, "What does XXX want now?" And it's ALWAYS something you want. It's NEVER just a friendly call -- you don't make those. You're never interested in how I'm doing, or what's going on with me. My dad has been in and out of the hospital all summer, and none of you remember to ask me how he's doing. It's always, "I need advice," or "I need help," or "I just broke up with ZZZ." GOD, I DON'T FUCKING CARE. And you know, today's my goddamn birthday, so if, for instance, I helped HOOK YOU UP WITH A BOOK DEAL this year, or I spent HOURS listening to your drama this summer, it might be a nice idea to call or write and just say TWO FUCKING WORDS, those being HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Well, fuck you. This is the year that I stop being such a good friend. I'm not calling you back; I'm not responding to your emails. And I'm not helping anyone with their fucking books, or their breakups, or anything, unless they've pulled me out of a goddamn burning building. You're all such lame trainwrecks, and it's boring. Grow up, and/or drop dead.

Dear Janice,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If we lived in the same city, I'd make you cupcakes and we'd eat them together in the park and we wouldn't talk about writing, and I swear the only thing I'd expect in return is that you have a wonderful birthday.

Why do people gotta suck so much?

Dear Girlbomb (Janice),
Happy birthday! I hope your dad is feeling better. I, too, have a menagerie of crap friends. Why is it we are expected to put up with thing from so-called "friends" that we would NEVER in a MILLION YEARS put up with from someone we were sleeping with? Yeesh.

I'd make you a big pot of gazpaccho to enjoy with raisingirl's cupcakes. We would have a potluck!

Dear Girlbomb-
Happy birthday!!!

Ditto what raisin said.

With friends like those.....

I hope it's a good day in spite of them.

Dear Girlbomb,
Happy Birthday. And to the potluck I will bring alcohol, something vodka-y or champagne or both.
Thank you so, so, so much, ladies.
I may be a bit late for the picnic, but I've got pie. And a stocked liquor cabinet. And a lot of love and admiration for you. And I don't need any favors or book deals or any of that crap. Just you being you is good enough for me.
many hugs,

Dearest BestGalPal,
Today you asked me if I thought you were doing the right thing. Honestly, I don't know! But you're doing it anyway and I think there is the potential for a lot of happiness ahead of you. So focus on that for now. Just keep looking forward. And remember that if it doesn't work out this time, you can always move again ... preferably a little further east. biggrin.gif

Dear D,
It is so strange to see you on TV almost daily because it has been so long since we've been able to talk. What has it been, 7 years? Geez. That's much too long, honey. I hope that LA is treating you well & I hope you get paid every time that Embarq ad airs because, jeezus, it is on during every ad break during our local news. It's ridiculous! smile.gif Maybe someday I'll finally get off my ass & join Myspace so I can chat with you.
PS: I've seen some of the other guys from OHW in various TV projects, too. Be sure to give them my love, but remember that you were always my favorite. wink.gif

Dear Bakewell tart,
Please taste right. Please be wonderful & smooth & remind Mr. Steel of home ... in a good way.
Your maker


is there even a god who would do this?
this is the kind of thing that makes you wonder, and question, and RAIL.

my heart is so shattering for you right now, and I wish tx wasn't a bazillion miles from here bc I'd be there, to help w/ the kids and the chemo and the cooking and whatever and nothing and everything in between.

when frecklette gets home I'm going to let her help pick out something to send to you.. maybe maid service for a day? a masseuse? what does one send in these circumstances? I know you wouldn't tell me what you needed if even you knew, you were always so unbelievably selfless and giving.
you were so much a 2nd mother to frecklette.. I always joked that you were actually a Better mother to her, but I wasn't ever really joking. this is going to break her heart too.

Fight M Fight, please.

you are so loved,

dear you -

fuck you. seriously. I am so fucking mad right now. nobody treats me like this. and I know I'm gonna have the right moment to tell you so. I don't even care. well, I do, but still. I'm not sitting down and taking this. I'm no one's on call. Fuck that.

you're being really fucking spineless and really fucking juvenile.

why did you have to turn out to be like this? It really fucking sucks.

Dear Dirty Roommate,

So, I'm "filthy," eh? Because you "clean more than me"? Let me tell you, mopping the floor once in July does not constitute keeping the house. What, exactly, did you think I was doing when I moved all the furniture, got out the brooms and mops and vacuum, and said hello as you blazed out the door to go climbing/hiking/to breakfast with your boyfriend every weekend? You are lazy, inconsiderate and rude. Taking my clothing out of the washing machine and putting it in a pile on top of the machine is rude. Saying that you are going to clean the yard and then not doing it for 3 months is rude. Continuing to abuse my furniture is rude. It's my house. Get out.

dear you -

just so you know, you are a fucking pussy.


Sometimes I hate you. Don't expect any "oral service" for a while. You're an ass.
Keeping the theme going ...

Don't think you've gotten out of this. I'm still angry with you. You better take my advice & shape up or, so help me ...
The reason I might just be a leeeeetle bit angry is because I put up with your awful behavior for months, listening to you whine and bitch and, yes, cry, hauled your ass home in a drunken stupor, dealt with you looking down my shirt when you were, again, in a drunken stupor, and was just generally "there" for you, and you were all weepy-grateful, all "I'm so glad we're friends, you're so awesome," blah blah blah. Then you get a girlfriend and drop out of touch for the past four months, which is highly immature and rude. So yeah, that could just be it. Don't try to turn this around on ME. I DID call, I texted, you never ever got back to me. So fuck you, I'm way to old for this crap. Also, your girlfriend is way to old for you. So nyeah.

Dear Self,

What the fuck is going on???


Dear PR,

What is happening? I am afraid. I am afraid of a lot of things. I'm also afraid of telling you. I fear that I have no one else to turn to. I want to tell you everything. I want to tell you how much I miss DKS and how you came along all at the same time, and I fear that the genuine feelings I had for DKS have no been projected onto you. You are "seeing" someone and that does make me jealous. It's because you came along during a period of stress for me. I should never allowed what happened, to happen. You fucked me at her house! Who does that? If I was her, I'd be livid. Had I known that is where you wer taking me, I would have said NO! I fucked up my other friends relationship by sleeping with him, and know there is whatever the fuck you are in.

I also hate work, it is giving my anxiety attacks, it is making me depressed. I'm hardly ever hungry, and the thought of food makes me want to throw up. I went through this in my first year of university, and I'm scared about that.

I'm also lonely. Very very lonely. When I go through these episodes, I want nothing more than someone's hand to hold. That is my coping mechanism. You don't need to talk to me, or anything, I just need the comfort. Youused to be there, but now I just don't know.

I feel so lost and so very alone. And I want to tell you this, but I fear that I will be dismissed. Not by you, per se, but by people in general. You try and make me feel better with humour, but I just want to tell it all to you. And I want to cry.

I feel like I am slipping away, and I don't know what to do. I am afraid of telling people that I am close with, this is such a personal thing.

I wish that we could be together. I want to see you, and just talk to you. I don't care about anything else, sexually happenung with us. I suppose I want an emotional bond. I now know after writing all of this out that what I truly seeking is to reproduce what DKS and I had. I am trying to do that with you, but him and I have known each other for a long time and helped each other through out darkest hours. Then he was gone. I am afriad of losing a bond again.

I suppose my situation is a bunch of things, not just work, I'm just using work as an outlet, an excuse. I just don't know what to do anymore. Please talk to me. and Help me.

(((( culturehandy))))

Dear Culturehandy,

I came her to post a letter that was very much like yours. I am thinking about you right now, because I feel very alone. I hope that knowing this makes both of us feel less alone.


Dear Self,

Sometimes life can feel a bit odd, cold and lonely. It is especially lonely when you just broke up with your girlfriend, are housesitting for three unsnuggly kitties, quit a job with abusive bosses and had rasin bran for dinner, all while watching the rain come down on a Friday night. You have been in therapy long enough to realize that it is okay to feel sad and that you will not feel this way forever. It is okay to ley yourself cry and feel loss as the tempature cools to autumn. This is not how you always feel and it is not how you will always feel. Things will get better and you can look back on this night knowing that because you did not break down in the face of sadness, that you have gained strength.

Dear makers of Zoloft,

Why couldn't you have existed sixty years ago or so, in time to have done my dad some good?


(((( princess dander))))
(((( culturehandy))))
(((( lonely busties))))
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