Jun 19 2007, 04:33 PM
Your mom sounds like she's related to AZ Guy, or at least one of them is channeling the other.
Sucks, doesn't it?
Dear new friend,
The reason why I haven't called you recently is because I am sick of having you tell me to go out and party it up. Just because that's what you'd do if you didn't have a family doesn't mean everyone else has to do it. You're a nice person, fun to hang out with, but AZ Guy and I have a different relationship than your's, and I think you are projecting some stuff onto ours. Stop it, it makes me not want to hang out with you, especially if you're going to start up on the whole "You're a free woman, go out and pick up guys" tangent. Quite frankly, I'm not the type who is going to go out every night; I didn't even like that stuff when I was younger. I don't even like to date, so get whatever ideas SATC planted in your head about how women act when they aren't married out of there.
Also, your home life is making me not want kids or get married. Ever. For the love of Sid and Nancy, either get counseling or get a divorce. If your husband doesn't want to go along, then go yourself. Please, it would make things better.
Dear AZ Guy,
I miss you, I still love you, but I understand that sometimes things don't work out the way we planned. Good luck in grad school, I'll get there soon, and hopefully this new phase will work out better.
P.S. Do you have any idea how hard that letter was to write? I didn't want to give up, but in my heart of hearts, I knew that this was over a long time ago. Hopefully, friendship will work out.
Jun 19 2007, 09:31 PM
i just read what you sent me. i wonder what you are trying to do with your writing: get over her, or speculate about getting her back? am i going to have to become an eponine? meh. honestly, i want to not think about you anymore, but for some reason i just can't stop wanting to know you. let me know you, ok? somethings telling me we really need to know each other. but then, when i say that, i think of k. i don't want that to happen again. sheeesh maybe i don't even know what i truely want. but i'd like to find out, and i'd like that finding out to involve you.
Jun 20 2007, 05:01 AM
Jun 20 2007, 05:01 AM
i'm eating crow right now.
thank you, thank you, thank you.
i asked, and you delivered. i've doubted you so many times, but i see that i need to experience these things. i'm not some simple, simple minded person. i percieve things, and question everthing. i am by nature a skeptic, a pragmatist, a pessimist...a doubter. in my self, my friends, my world. and as d said, i feel things way more deeply than most people do. perhaps it is that pain, that questioning, that doubting that makes me, me. thank you for getting me on your wavelength-- i love catching those waves, where, your message is clear-- a direct line from your mouth to my heart. i love your mulitpicity of voices, my favorite is the ones that tickle my ear. those little whispers that put a smile on my face, so sweet i need to catch my breath.... like this morning on the radio, Armistead Maupin talking about transgendered people, it's like that memory of someone you love blowing you a kiss... a fire rekindled. i wish i could be braver, stronger, but i know you will get me there. wiser to boot for having done it your way.
so i ask for a few things now: the car, the apprenticeship, and the id. i know part of it may seem like a denial of you, of who i am, but you know why it is needed. you know me well enough to know i cannot forget whose i am, who and what i am. i am the grey, i walk the middle. the inbetween. i am the half. i am the question. thank you for those doubts, those fears, that remind me. thank you for the awareness that this was, and wasn't a choice, somewhere in that middle ground. thank you for those longings to be a boy again, and the ones to be more of a woman. thank you for not letting me settle in, keeping me uncomfortable, questioning--- complex.
thank you most of all for that awareness, and thank you for letting me make my crazy quilt peace with that, but never letting me stop the questioning. the dreaming. i love you so very much.
yours, mind, soul and definately body,
Jun 22 2007, 04:18 PM
Thank you for going so much better than it should have, and for being my first job to come in UNDER time estimates. You rock. Stay at 36F for the weekend, and you'll go home!
WTF? Seriously, this is the THIRD frigidaire with a leaky evaporator I've seen in, oh, a month and a half! C'mon! Get better QC!
Dear refrigeration crew,
I don't know what to say. I feel so much like a *part* of your crew, it makes me tear up. I mean, as a girl, I generally feel like an outsider...but we three, we are kin. We work harder than the rest of the shop, we run and we bust ass. We stick up for each other, we will call each other when we get overtime calls, and we are just wonderful friends on top of it. Thank you for being such wonderful guys. And, thank you for including me in your plots. You keep right on pointing out the cute guys on State St, for me~you know my type...and I'll keep pointing out the cute girls for you, cause I know your type, too.
Jun 22 2007, 04:35 PM
Dear manicurist at nail place,
you are evil bitch and I never tip you,
But my nails look fabulous!
I still think you're channeling Judy Davis playing Judy Garland...
WTF is up that? I'm just really worried about next week, and it falling down around my shoulders. I haven't told you about being denied unemployment... b/c I've been freaked out.
What's with the "We have to talk" talks? Hmm...
I want a puppy. And I want to want to move in. Fuck. I'm poor. I have no job. Something's gotta give. And soon. Don't you fucking understand this. Do I have to drop a piano on your head?
Jun 24 2007, 02:52 PM
dear other employee of my boss -
I'm way higher on the food chain than you in this organization, so don't tell me how to do my job. Just because you don't like the arrangements I've made for you which fit in with OUR BOSS'S needs doesn't mean that you can tell him how things should be done. Oh, and by the way, while the "solution" you came up with would work perfectly for you, it does not take into consideration ANY of the specific parameters I have to work within when coordinating things for our boss. Why? because you don't know those parameters... and why dont' you know those parameters? Because it's NOT YOUR JOB. So now you have gotten everyone all spun and made me look like a fucking idiot who doesn't know her job, when in fact, you have outrageously overstepped your bounds. I swear if you were not a direct employee of boss man, and instead were under my supervision, I would fucking can your ass right now.
step the fuck back.
Dear Universe or whatever -
I don't want to be so wound up and negative, but I do need to stand my ground.
Jun 24 2007, 05:58 PM
Fuck you. I cannot believe that you are pulling this stunt. I don't even know what the hell is going on! I've tried asking you to see what's going on, I've tried texting and calling and NOTHING! How hard is it to reply? I didn't think you were like this, but I guess now I really now. I cannot believe it after all the times we talked and hung out and the things I told you, have you completely turned your back on me? What is going on, that's all I want to know.
Can we please figure out a way for us to meet, you are down the street from me for heaven's sake! I see you all looking all the time, I catch you!
Jun 25 2007, 08:29 AM
Dear cosmic powers that be,
You guys frigging rock!! Moz, coolness about getting rid of moz, College and now FB. You are genuine goodies. If you could arrange for my new beau to get his fuzzy buttocks in to abz tomorrow so that we can hold hands in the cinema, kiss in the cafe and generally enjoy being in a bit of mush with each other then I'll keep on kicking arse, get new sisters to join SOS, beat the hell out of my course work/exams/practicals. Basically I'll do anything (within reason) you ask of me because smiling and feeling good and wearing short skirts and having amazing sex in hotels is so much fun that I never ever want to give any of it up again! Who made those eyes? You're just reeling me in you crazy gods! Yeah you know. You know what you're doing. Peace and love you guys.
Jun 25 2007, 10:11 PM
You work too hard. i know your job is important to you and you have a desire to be known in your field long after you are gone but the people that know ans love you now want you here too. we have not gone out together in forever and havenot left town together since jan. i am pretty sure there is not gonna be any vacation or trip or even a weekend away in quite some time as i am getting closer and closer to baby time. i am probably just spoiled and over emotional but damnit, i want to go somewhere with you and have it be relaxing and just the two of us and . . . oh nevermind, who am i kidding.
Jun 27 2007, 01:02 PM
show me my new direction soon please.
make it something cool and interesting.. something that challenges my brain and intellect, but not so to the point where I feel stoopid and quit before I achieve anything. and please make it something that is compatible w/ the mr's employment too.. long-term wise and beyond, bc my heart and mind are still coming to terms w/ the debacle of the writing; all these months later and seeing the stupid shitty collumnists and the crap they spew that is deemed "worthy" of print here.. knowing that I could write CIRCLES around them, but mostly knowing that for some big and very valid reasons, I wasn't able to persue it, at least not at this particular moment in my shared life w/ the mr.
hurts like hell still.
I need something new, something that will Last and I need it Soon Please.
at 36 I am feeling very much useless and redundant, that a maid or younger wife could do my "job" here at home better and with more enjoyment bc I am near on zero.
this is not the life I (ever) want(ed) or accept.
Jun 27 2007, 10:44 PM
dear housing gods of London-
please send a really great flat or someone who needs a roommate my way. quickly.
I know things will work out, but it's getting a little close...
Jun 28 2007, 11:30 AM
Same here Zoya. I would love to live in Astoria, Queens with a nice roommate so I wouldn't have to stay at my grandma's house anymore.
I want to work more hours, there's hardly anyone here yet you only pay one person full-time. We have clients and more work now, we should have more money. Also, I hate that you sent me out like a dog to fetch some newspapers in the nasty heat of NYC, going across town and walking around and feeling sweat pooling on my back.
Jun 28 2007, 01:17 PM
oh anna, i lived in astoria for a summer... and as much as i hate summers (and winters) in nyc, it was AMAZING!
Jun 28 2007, 05:48 PM
Dear Careers Gods/Godesses,
Please let me find a teaching job for this school year. I've worked so hard in school to make this career leap, give me some kind of sign that it wasn't all for naught. I really can't stomach returning to the soul-sucking corporate world. Please help.
Jun 29 2007, 01:16 PM
Dear Mr. Pug,
I’m not your fucking maid!
Kiss my ass,
Dear Little Sister,
He’s a fucking pussy. He has no balls and is scared of everything. How can you lay down with that every night? It’s totally unattractive. I’m tired of hearing about it. Whip his ass into shape. You fucking help him if that’s what he needs. Stop trying to guilt me, Mr. Pug, mom and dad into being the parents that boy really needs. Fuck! In fact, there is a reason why his parents are so hard on him. He’s a liar. He lies to you all the time. You two have been together for over a year and the shit just keeps getting worse. How can you stand it? I’d have left his ass long ago. You can do better. Come on now…really!
Your sister who is sick and tired of hearing about it,
You are so two faced when it comes to the way you treat your two daughters. When Mr. Pugs and I wanted to save money and move home TOGETHER you said no. You and dad were completely against it. We had to move home separately. Me to your house and him to his mom’s house. I see now that was a good decision on your part because it would have been a terrible situation. But now I just know you are going to let my sister and her boyfriend live together under your roof. I just know it’s coming. Tell me till you are blue in the face that there is no way that he is moving into your house and I’m telling you that it’s going to happen. You are going to let it happen. It’s bullshit. So when I call you after I hear that you are getting involved in something you told me to stay out of then yes I’m going to have a problem with you. This do as I say not as I do crap might have worked when I was a little kid but I’m a fucking adult now and I’m not putting up with it anymore. You are so selfish and self-centered. Everything is about you and everything is your way or the highway. Whatever. It’s not my house and it’s not my worry. I’m fucking happy and that’s all that matters.
Leave me alone,
You are so miserable today because your period is coming. You know it so why do you give into to these pesky phone calls. You know that every time you talk to your sister she bitches about her man. So don’t answer when she calls. You know every time you talk to your sister you get pissed at your mom. So don’t call her after you talk to your sister. You know that Mr. Pug drives you crazy when you are PMSing so why don’t you just avoid talking to him about shit that pisses you off. You know all this and yet you still allow yourself to get all worked up over nothing. Go take some vitamin B6 and be done with it.
Stop being stubborn and stupid,
Jun 29 2007, 10:51 PM
Dear B., Fuck you. That was a really shitty move. You hurt my feelings a lot. I guarantee you if I did the same thing to you, you would be pissed and hurt, too. So don't act like it's no big deal and give me some lame apology. You are so fucking selfish sometimes. With everything I do for you, one would think that you could put in a little extra effort every now and then to do something that would make me happy. I really don't ask for much. Fuck you again. Get your shit together and quit acting like an asshole. -me
Jul 1 2007, 10:46 AM
Dear housing gods of London -
THANK YOU!!! you fucking rule. Not only did you send the EXACT type of place I wanted, with the EXACT transport links I wanted, in one of the EXACT areas I wanted to live in - my new flatmate (well, potential at the moment, but I know it will work out) sounds really nice, AND the place has a roof terrace!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
now please just stop those people from setting off bombs.
Jul 2 2007, 10:14 AM
Dear inventors of sun block,
I just returned from a week at Disney World. Florida in late June can be pretty brutal on skin as fair and sensitive as mine. I burn quickly and easily. In my youth when I occasionally burned, I would be in agony for days, unable to leave the house or even get dressed. I still worry about the increased cancer risk I have now due to those old sunburns. So as you can imagine, I was worried about getting burned during this trip.
I did NOT get burned! Days and days of heat and sun and sweating and walking around amusement parks and swimming at water parks, and STILL no sunburn!!! A miracle? No. Just an application of Coppertone SPF 50 Sport sunblock once a day. Amazing.
Sunblock is one of the most miraculous inventions EVER. How is it that the general population does not know your name? Or names, even? You are a mystery to us all, yet you save so many of us from pain & even cancer.
So thank you. Thank you for keeping my vacation fun. And thank you for protecting me and my loved ones.
Oodles of hugs & kisses,
Jul 2 2007, 11:19 AM
Okay, so we're talking again, but honestly, I don't know if I want to hang with you anymore. I can see that you have feelings for me, however, I can also see that this is going to be a problem because when I am finally ready to date, and you aren't the man, you will be jealous. Also, what goes on between who you know and I, fucking or not, is not really any of your business. I'm a grown woman, capable of making my own choices.
It's your feelings that are going to be a problem here, I'm a flirt and I like men, and if I can't be who I really am then this is ultimately your loss.
I'm not going to call for a while, and I'm stepping back now.
If this is the beginning of the end, which I suspect it is, then so be it.
Jul 2 2007, 01:15 PM
Fuck you. I'm so damn sick of this. I can't believe how much you've hurt me this time. I give up. I don't know what to say or do anymore. I have tried so hard and it feels like you don't fucking care. If this were any other relationship I could just leave and cut you out of my life. But how can I do that? We are forever connected through blood and yet right now I wish you didn't exist.
Jul 2 2007, 04:13 PM
(I don't really believe in your interventionist powers, but no one else is responsible.)
Please let things work out. With everyone. Please let broken hearts find a way to heal and let tempers find a way to rational discussion and negotiation.
I am away from the brunt of this. Looking in, but not even really doing that because i am a partisan and i want things to go my way. Peeking nervously.
If my best case scenario could come anywhere near true i will do whatever it takes to make this relationship work. I will turn myself inside out. I already have. I'll do it more.
But please let everyone be ok. No more weeping and yelling or threatening or lying. No more lying.
And let those kids be ok and protected from the stupid shit that us grown ups do over their heads.
Yours, hoping against reason,
Jul 3 2007, 11:56 AM
There's a lot of good things happening and generally, when I have a second, that makes me happy. But too many things are also up in the air and right now, I'm afraid I don't have a safety net. Please don't mess with anyone's health right now, okay? I know overall we're been lucky as a family, but please nothing else for now. Please let C get better asap.
Jul 3 2007, 01:39 PM
Dear B., I understand now. Thank you for explaining and talking to me about it. It still makes me really sad, but I can handle it. I wish that things could be different between us. I wish that your thing with her wasn't the way it is. But I truly respect it, because it's what I've spent most of my life believing in. I kinda think it's all bullshit now, because I've become so cynical about relationships and love, but I know it's real for you. I hope I'm not idiotic for feeling that way. -me
Jul 3 2007, 02:38 PM
i love you, i love your son. but when i call to talk to YOU, that means YOU ALONE. i don't want to listen to you tell your son, repeatedly, to "talk to aunt catlady, go on, talk to her! say catlady! say it! Oh he's talking to you! Tell him hi!" it makes me want to stab myself in the umbilicus.
and i wasn't getting snippy with you about nicole richie. i'm still going kwashiorkor, and if not, my next guess is immaculate conception.
i'm also tired as hell. i'm going to bed. i'll call you when i'm less salty and your kid is asleep.
Jul 3 2007, 10:03 PM
i love you with all my heart. you do SO MUCH for me that is completely unwarrented except for the fact that I am your friend. This makes me feel honored and loved just so much. And I'm not scared at all because I know that you mean it and so i really really love being friends with you. I wish I had more to bring to the table.... but I know you'd say I don't need to. You're such a giving person, I love it. I feel like I have a big brother in this big city.
Jul 4 2007, 12:04 AM
Jul 5 2007, 04:54 AM
i will be visiting home soon. and i will not be seeing you. it is bizarre to think of returning and not seeing you,
who have been such a huge part of my life in the last few years. sometimes i wish i were more mature and
could handle just being friends. but i am not and even if i ended things, it still hurts like hell to think i was so
easily replaced. but i have dealt with this, and wish you would stop stirring things up with MY family. i know
that you got along, and i appreciate that i am the one who broke up with you and not my family. but can't you
leave them alone. why must you make them think i am the jerk? please let me have some peace on my trip.
i just hope that all this awkwardness will end when i am home. please allow me this trip to see my family.
please don't hold l against me when i am home. i am trying to create my own life. i am far from home and
need to feel loved and supported by my family. please, for the sake of my sanity, just pretend to. don't make
coming home any harder than it needs to be. please, just one drama-free trip.
Jul 6 2007, 03:52 PM
Seriously, you suck. You want to have a shop meeting about "respect"?
Well, to me, respect is a two way road. What happened to MY "respect"?
Seriously, I've been working here for five years. I STILL don't fucking have a service truck. I run my butt off, I work hard. I know, to you that a truck is a "status" kind of thing. You give trucks to the people you like and you take them away from the people who piss you off.
So, seriously, how did I piss you off that I should still be walking five years later? Is it cause I'm friends with H? Or is it because I was partnered up with SR? WTF? I mean, I know SR pissed you off but I had nothing to do with it!
Because I didn't think I sucked that much. I got a bunch of "atta girl" letters back when I was doing building service calls, about how many people had been there before and it had never gotten done right till the GIRL, yes, the GIRL came by. Back when JB was there. Back when we had a REAL supervisor. He could be a vindictive ass, but at least he was fair.
So, seriously, WTF?
You hire B about three years AFTER me, and two weeks after you hire her, she gets a truck. When she knows nothing. I mean, now, two years later, she is doing the same work I was doing back when she was hired...oh, yeah, that was when they passed me over to give her the truck.....Is it cause her father worked for the shop and she's related? Can you spell "nepotism"????
And now you're all pissed off at B because she screws off all day (oh, yeah, that'd be those easy BM jobs) and I'm here, working in the sidelines, getting jobs DONE, walking all over campus, and still I'm a shitbag.
And, you give trucks to all the BM people. Seriously, the BM people aren't under the gun. They can take FIVE hours to fix a valve if they want, cause they're on an open. budget. You know, I used to take MAYBE two hours to fix those valves, and that's cause I had to WALK across the fricking campus to get parts. It's not like they're PUSHING it.
Seriously, I have to go fix an ultracold freezer and I damn well better not take more than eight hours to fix it because MY funding is departmental and there are people standing over you watching every move and everything and saying "how much is this gonna cost, can you hurry, we only have this much money". and I can't blame them, but DAMN IT shouldn't you be trying to make me more efficient for these people who have limited funding instead of giving all the fucking perks (like having a service vehicle where you can ~omg~ carry PARTS) to your cronies who go golfing with you and can stop every hour or so to take a "breather" and have un-fucking-limited funding? Why the FUCK make ME the one who has to spend an hour walking across campus to get parts? I mean, fuck, an ultracold freezer isn't anywhere close to a simple STUPID valve!
Don't get me wrong. I'm not LAZY. It's just that when I'm charging people eighty dollars an hour I'd like to be able to get a part in less than two fucking hours. Shit, I can't even remember the last time I even took a lunch hour, just cause I'm working THROUGH it to give these people a break.
And the fucking BM people NEVER miss a break. Not to fault them, but, seriously maybe if I had a vehicle, where I could carry tools and parts, I might be able to take a break now and then too.
And....now you've put me on a bullshit pseudo steamfitter job....I mean, deliming converters????? WTF? And you want me to spend a long assed time doing THAT?
You people suck.
Do I suck that bad? Why do you have to do this to me???????
Oh, yeah. Respect. Yeah. I'll get right on that.
Jul 9 2007, 02:01 AM
Dear Certain RL Friends (and especially P. and C.),
Why, why, why is it so hard to make you understand that my need to be ALONE sometimes does not mean I am "isolating myself," or that I am "depressed," or that I am "at risk" of anything at all? WHY? Why can't you just fucking get it?
And for that matter, why do I have to KEEP EXPLAINING MYSELF to you?? Seriously, WTF? These long "well-meaning" phone calls are what's really dragging me down.
I was pretty clear and upfront about my needs even before I left that crazy-ass job. I didn't mince words with anyone. I told all of you that I needed some TIME to myself, some TIME at home, some TIME to recover. I was EXHAUSTED from fighting tooth and nail for a very important cause. I told EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU that I expected to do nothing but SLEEP for the first three months after leaving that place, didn't I? I also articulated a pretty clear plan for what was going to happen AFTER I felt rested enough to move on, didn't I?
And then I almost died, right when that crazy-ass job was ending. Oh yes. It was a big surprise to all of us. My infected kidney made me so sick that I couldn't even bathe myself or feed myself. I was put on death watch. I was hospitalized, catheterized, heavily medicated, and operated upon three times. I had to have my mother live with me for TWO WHOLE MONTHS. And you know I love my mother, but you also know how I feel about spending more than a week at a time with her. Especially in my own home, where I otherwise feel quite free and content. You KNOW this.
So why did it come as such a surprise, after the job was over, after I started to recover a bit of my physical health, after my mother left, that I wanted nothing more than to have a couple of months ALL TO MYSELF, to spend AT HOME? Why can you not get this?? What the fuck is the matter with you that you make these fucking assumptions about my emotional well-being, when I kept telling you - and KEEP telling you - that I was doing exactly what I needed for the sake of my emotional well-being?
(And yes, fine, I DID get depressed about my hair falling out. Who the fuck WOULDN'T get a bit depressed about the prospect of being a 38-year old bald chick trying to be taken seriously for decent-paying employment? But even that was a positive in the end, because being upset about my hair WAS a call on the clue phone - which I ANSWERED right away, don't forget - to go get a diagnosis about an underlying condition, which I might not yet know about otherwise. So don't even THINK of pointing to the hair thing yet again as "evidence" of my sorry-ass mental state, 'cos you are SO barking up the wrong tree there.)
Not to mention that I was still SICK when I was taking that alone time for myself. And that I still AM on physical health tenterhooks until the kidney thing is resolved via yet another surgical procedure, and the three-times-a-day medication finally takes care of the other issue. Hello??
Seriously. Were all your lines about taking time for myself and my own needs just bullshit in the end? Or is it that I was "allowed" to meet my own needs, as long as you still got to keep your meddling fingers in my circumstances?
You are pissing me off. Why is it that even when a person expresses their very deepest desires and their most well-reasoned boundaries, you still won't believe them, or at least respect them? I mean, for fuck's sake, after ELEVEN YEARS of providing crisis intervention, counseling, and advocacy to people, do you think I might not have developed SOME awareness of my own state of mind? After so CLEARLY articulating the condition of my burnout, compassion fatigue, and vicarious trauma during my last three years in that job, do you really believe I do NOT know myself equally as well after the fact? Are you actually claiming to know me BETTER than I know my own damned self? Seriously, WTF?
And just another thing here. I've told you all, from the moment I started to recover, that the whole "near-death experience" thing gave me nothing so much as an aggressive and joyous will to LIVE. I could not have been more clear about that. I've told you and told you and told you how happy I am to be alive, and how happy I am not to be working in that crazy-ass job anymore. WHY, then, have you spent this time thinking of me, and treating me, as someone "at risk?" It makes me sad, and angry, and frustrated, to realize that you do not truly know me at all...that you do not believe me even when I am expressing my truest feelings and thoughts to you.
I am not like the majority of people. I do not thrive in the presence of near-constant companionship. I often find such things draining, actually. I keep trying to explain this, but maybe you can't process these kind of character traits as anything but problematic. I guess that is your problem, so to speak. It's kind of ironic, but your way of thinking about what life is "supposed to" look like is probably a big part of the reason I haven't made much effort to keep in touch with you these past few months.
I am glad that you are happy for the life I am living now, with these new friendships and baby steps with a rock band. Truly, it is very enjoyable, and yes, I do feel even "happier" because of it. The universe provides, and I feel blessed to receive. But it does not mean I am somehow "healthier" or "better" than I was before the magical appearance of this "new" life. The reality is, I have been doing exactly what I needed to do for my health: mental, physical, and emotional health. But it makes me kind of sick that, even when I tell flat out you that I am content and doing the things I want to be doing, you STILL can't accept that my life is exactly what I want it to be.
The plan never changed. Illness and recovery shifted my schedule by a few months, but nothing changed the content of my goals. (Goals and plans which I feel I articulated very clearly to you all LAST BLOODY FALL, and to a couple of you, MORE THAN A YEAR AGO.) I didn't expect to become violently ill the way I did, but them's the breaks. Everything is steam-rollering ahead, just as I expected it to, with a few minor adjustments and with a bunch of added bonuses here and there to keep me entertained.
I've got to admit, I feel really bad when you start imposing your own personal "normalcy" checklists upon me. But in the end, as I wrap up this letter, I've come to realize ONCE AGAIN how confident I am in knowing that I truly am my own best expert. I really am fully capable of making excellent decisions for myself - and I am also capable of holding firm to what I believe is right for me, even when it means flying in the face of "well-intentioned" opposition. And that, my friends, makes me even happier.
"Know thyself." Try it sometime. It's working pretty well for me.
This is MY life. I'm living it completely, utterly, and selfishly for me now. And I've never been happier.
So suck it up and fuck off.
Jul 9 2007, 09:55 AM
Dear Mr K.
I know you are having a hard time with money latley. But it is really starting to stress me out. I feel like I'm doing everything. I pay all the bills. You hardly have to pay anything, and you're still low on your part of the mortgage. I know the business is always on the verge of picking up, but seriously, I don't know how much longer I can wait. I can't help thinking about how things would be if you had a salary job too. If I didn't have to pay for everything. I know you have debt, and I'm going to help you pay it off. That's fine. BUT, if I'm paying all this money & you are still hardly making anything, that's going to be bad. If something doesn't change or happen soon I fear it's going to really negatively affect our marriage. Why do you get to pursue your dreams while I work the salary job?? How long is that going to go on? You've been doing that now for what..going on 7 years? One day enough is going to be enough.
Your wife, who's patience is dwindling.
Jul 9 2007, 10:13 AM
mom ( & dad too):
please be cool when you visit tomorrow.
no lectures, no guilt, bc while I played along that your last ' your sister isn't going to live forever/ it's your responsibility to accept her apology' rant worked, I did so only to make you stop talking.
I DON'T have to accept her apology and have NO intention of doing so and I'm really ok with that.
am actually even at Peace with the whole situation of estrangement with her, despite it making me somewhat saddened.
I know you want your 2 girls to make up, hug and sing kumbyya, but that's just not going to happen.
I have real issues w/ people that have such total disrespect and comprehension of my lifestyle as to remain ignorant and so judgemental of it, and then be suprised when I at last tell them to shut the hell up and mind their own business and do not apologize for not allowing my child to be around her.
if you see the correlation between our girl not going up there for the summer and there being where my sister is- make the connection and do something about it bc I feel so sure you are not harrassing Her about this the same way you are me.
I haven't done anything wrong and do not accept what is not mine to carry.
I hope this isn't the main reason you are making the trip, bc if so you are traveling 600 wait- 1200 miles roundtrip for nothing.
I love you, but am dreading more than happily anticipating, even if you do bring pie,
youngest daughter who is old enough to know better
please be you.
let that # I found be you and let you remember me and be really happy and excited to get my message and call me back Right Away Please!!!
Jul 11 2007, 03:00 PM
I realize that you are sad and at a loss because a lot of your unhealthy relationships have ended in the last year and it is painful but I swear to you it is for the best and it will be better for you in the long run. I recognize your grief, but this being said, you need to stop acting out by assault eating. You look like shit, you feel like shit and you are only hurting yourself when you binge in the alarming way you have been doing lately. I say this as someone who loves and and who will never leave you. STOP EATING! Just stop. Go for a swim. Go for a walk. Just put down the bread and butter and adress what really hurts. The eating is only making you hurt more.
love always, Jem
Jul 16 2007, 11:14 PM
Dear Emily Elizabeth with the Big Nose:
I do hope that you will enjoy my leftovers...he makes a really great boyfriend until he goes out of town and macks on a girl from his training class. If you were here and I could say it to your face, I might use the C word (OMG). Has he told you about me ever/yet? He hadn't 3 weeks after your "meeting"...what a jackass. I'd tell you to watch your ass and worry about what he does when he's not around you (which, really, are you EVER? you live so damn far away... i hope he has fun jacking off), but really, i could give a shit. or Now at least. a month ago was a different story... sigh. Anyway, you will never read this nor reap the true benefit of my hatred for you. Just know that i do hate you and everything you stand for.
Irish boy's ex-girlfriend
Jul 20 2007, 01:10 PM
Stay out of my dreams. I'm working on having a healthy relationship with the bf, and its doesn't help that you show up every night in my subconscious. Naked. Much as I want to sample the goods, I'm not going to let it happen.
Jul 21 2007, 03:48 PM
dear you -
ok, so you've been in touch with me again, all via written word.
you ask questions about my world and tell me you understand when I've vented...you make sexual innuendos, yet you've also asked if I've "seen any action" (yes, I DID ignore that question, if you were wondering)
When we're chatting, I sometimes wonder what exactly you want and I sometimes think I say a bit too much about myself to you. Honestly, I'm trying really hard to only give what I get.
here's the thing... I am keeping communication only at this level unless you move it forward. You have initiated every chat. That's a good thing. You need to take that a step further. You need to call me, or audio chat me and talk to me verbally. The longer you keep communicating only at this level, the more I'm going to start assuming that you're just chatting with me to stroke your ego. We'll take it from there, but it needs to start with a call from you.
On paper, you're available, but your actions say that you're much less than 100% available. And I don't mean you have a girlfriend or someone else, I mean you're showing that you're in a place where a relationship, or at least to getting to know me better with the possibility of that moving forward, is not a priority for you. You need to take some baby steps here and show me that you're not just staying in touch in marginally to make sure that you still have me around. You need to show me some further interest.
Yeah, I jumped the gun and likely freaked you out a few months ago. OK. I know a lot of that was my personal freak out, and thus I've backed off. I do move forward too fast. I do give up too much of myself too early. In regards to our recent spate of chats, sometimes I feel like my willingness to keep chatting seems like over-eagerness, but I'm working on making myself less available. It's baby steps, and I'm hard on myself 'cause I do like you and all my instincts go against it, and I mess up often. But I know it's what I have to do, and the more I do it, the better I'm gonna get at it. And the better I get at it, the less likely it is that I'm going to be interested if you don't take some steps forward in the communication and getting to know me area.
I am smart, funny, attractive, sexy, interesting, and you know it. You've said it. I have nothing to prove to you. You know EXACTLY what I am, who I am, and if you're interested in more, you'll come and get more. There is every reason for you to be interested, and for us to get to know each other better, not jumping the gun, and just seeing where it goes. I am full on worth my fucking weight in gold and some lucky guy - wait, no, not lucky - some guy who sees it and is fearless in moving forward - is going to get me. That guy could be you. Should be you. But only if you ante up and show me some actions that say you've got intentions beyond just chatting me up.
It's going against every grain of what I want for me to say and do this - but the other way has been counterproductive for me in the past and has just made me miserable. So no matter what, I'm going to come out on the great end of the stick and at least I'll know I honored myself. And I'll be even cooler than I already am.
so there you go.
now, fucking ring me, damn you!
dear zoya -
have some fucking patience, woman! remember!
ps - thank god for the "letters you'll never send thread!!"
Jul 22 2007, 07:23 PM
I am so glad that we have started hanging out again. It feels like we never lost those 6 years. I am sorry for being so naive, I am sorry for letting you slip through my fingers. I am so angry and sorry that she did what she did to you. It's funny that we have so much in common in that aspect of things. W each chose to deal with things differently, but not too much differently.
I don't ever want to lose you again, we picked up where we left off. Granted things have happened between us, now you must be honest with yourself about where you stand with her. I know that you had very intense feelings for me in high school and yes you wanted this to happen, but if you really love her (which I don't think you do), then you wouldn't have allowed what happened between us to happen.
With that said, it was wonderful, I revealed myself to you on a very emotional level, I don't do that often. As you know, I have an emotional barrier up, I don't want to get hurt. I refuse to get hurt. Please don't hurt me emotionally. I value our friendship too much.
I also suspect that I am starting to ge feelings for you, and I know that if I see you with someone I will feel it in my stomach. I can't tell you this, I fear the outcome. I know you won't walk away, but I just don't know.
I had a really great time on Friday night, and I am hoping that we can do this often, we have been hanging out a lot, and I like that. There are things about me that I'd like to tell you. I know you would not judge me. We all have out skeletons.
So glad we are back in each others lives. You have no idea. I thought about you so frequently.
Jul 22 2007, 08:53 PM
Dear Conrad Black,
Neener, neener, neener!
*flips the bird*
Stick that up your House of Lords.
a still proud Canadian
Jul 23 2007, 08:43 PM
you're driving me crazy with this hot and cold bs. you MUST know what you're doing. jesus.
if you want me, you beter speak up because i won't wait.
so you better
Jul 24 2007, 06:41 AM
Hehehe, I heart that letter.
Throws a pie and the pretentious Lord Black for good measure.
Jul 24 2007, 07:34 AM
Dear Mr. Pug,
I love them both. Thank you.
Jul 24 2007, 09:15 AM
Dear AZ Guy,
For fuck's sakes, ditch your idiotic friend for one night and hang out with me. Alone. With no one else making stupid comments about nothing. If I have to hear that asshole say one more asinine thing about drugs or girls I am going to beat him over the head with your hookah, age be damned. I've seen you hang out with other people, you've mentioned other friends, why can't you talk to them for once? If I seem to recall, most of them have something intelligent to say, and some of them might, hard to believe, be able to go out to bars and have places of their own so you can go hang out there.
Oh, and if your plans for our trip involve ten days of hanging around your friend's place smoking weed, just leave me in Seattle and let me explore the town myself, or drop me off at Rainier National Park. Being around people who can't think of anything better to do than get high and watch TV bores me to tears and anger, especially when it's a place I've never been before.
Jul 24 2007, 12:14 PM
dear zoya -
fuck. you've gotta cut those conversations short, and be the one to have to go do something else, not him ending them all the time. Don't give up so much. stop making yourself so available. why the hell will he want to buy the cow when he can get the milk for free? make him work for it. He is sitting back and giving you bait, trying to put the ball in your court, and you're taking it. Not 100%, but you've gotta make yourself not so available even in a little way. Just cut off 10 minutes of the conversaton. That's a start. Then if he wants you he'll come get you. Trust that. You are fucking worth it. Don't chase him, don't make it so he thinks he has you in his back pocket. Not in any little kind of way. If he wants to see you, he'll stop being a chickenshit and figure it out. no matter what.
Jul 24 2007, 04:35 PM
Dear Man Who I Am Totally Perving On.
Last night, when I asked you who you think the Epitome of Beautiful was, I was expecting you to tell the truth, which you did. That made me very happy. Then we got into conversations about who some of the most beautiful people, men and women, are, and I learned a lot about you. That was also made me very happy. But do you want to know what made the happiest? When, just before you signed off, you said "But I think you're prettier than all of them. Night night."
This coming from the man who never has anything nice to say to anyone about anyone? I think you're growing on me. I really don't mind, either. Thank you for making my day better.
Jul 25 2007, 10:13 AM
You give yourself really good advice. Listen to it.
Dear Wee Fee,
So glad you are here with us now. Can't wait to spend lots of time with you. Kiddieland, playing dress up. Basically I am at your service. I can't wait to get to know you better
Jul 29 2007, 03:23 PM
Now you see why you put the wall up? That's why. You knew, you motherfucking knew and you still did it and now look! You are hurt, you know tat it will hurt you even more.
Well, here we are. More like there you are in your situation and here I am in mine. It's pretty messed. You mean so much to me and I know that when I see you and her together it will fucking blow. I've already set myself up for this. I'm putting the wall back up. I refuse, absolutely refuse, to be hurting more than I already am. I can'go through this again, yet. I'm not prepared. I'm sorry that I will be emotionally distant, I revealed my self emotionally, I can't do it anymore. I'm truly sorry. We will remain the closest of friends, but I need to step away before I get in too deep. How am I supposed to interpret what happened between us? You are dedicated to her, but then look what happened with us.
Oh, and you'll never have it as good with her as you did with me.
I guess this is my fucking relationship Karma. FUCK YOU!
Jul 30 2007, 02:32 PM
I hope you and your useless husband are trapped in your burning car on your way home, and that you both die slow, horribly painful deaths. I hope the people who go through your estate find a stack of dog porn, and your names are tarnished for as long as anyone cares to remember them. I hate you. You made a bad situation worse and then swung around on your toes without having to suffer any consequences save the one where you live your miserable shit sack of a life.
I hope sand fleas infest your numerous crevices.
Jul 30 2007, 06:23 PM
What the hell is this?? Awwww fuck. Don't I deserve motherfucking happiness?
Jul 30 2007, 07:53 PM
Dear JK, what the f*ck happened? Seriously, I don't get it. Why don't you man up and just tell me rather than string me along?
Dear Boss, look, I know you're preggers and moody but seriously, take it out on your husband. I don't work well when you are being condescending and immature.
Dear BB, Jesus what the hell are we doing? We tried it twice and it didnt work so why can't we just leave each other alone already? How long are we going to drag this thing out? Why do you have to be all cute when I'm trying to get over you!?! Bullocks.
Jul 30 2007, 11:22 PM
Dear Crackhead Landlady,
What the fuck is your problem? I am sorry that you don't have a job and that you and your partner are losing money everyday on the building. It is seriously not my problem. You should have researched what it takes to own a building and realized that it is not the key to instant fortune when there are serious violations in every corner. No, I am not going to ignore the fire hazards and the windows that don't open just because the rent is cheap. I am not going to do the work myself and deduct it from the rent, (which I totally have the right to do) because you wouldn't understand and might threaten to sue me again. You can't just collect rent when you take three week vacations and only visit when it is convenient for you. I saw you panhandling for your "dayjob" when you were supposed to be fixing the many things that you said you were going to and please don't give me any more lectures about how the world is so unfair to you. Sometimes life isn't fair. Look at how unfair it is that I have to deal with you? Just leave me alone when I pick up and leave and don't ask me for any more money because you are so not going to get any of it.