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(((((((Bunny, Polly, CH, & Tree)))))))) Thank you all so much for caring. It's really very sweet of you. I'm probably going to go ahead and check into seeing a doc. The problem is just that it can take WEEKS to get an appointment with a neurologist & by the time my appointment comes around, all of these stresses will be over.

Dearest Realtor Man,
You kick serious ass. Really. You have done SOOOOOO so much to help me & ease my fears. You've investigated options, faught on my behalf, explained things clearly, and put me at ease more times than I can count. And you even offered to take a dramatic paycut just so that we could get the house we wanted without going over our budget. You are ... well, as you would say, you are AWESOME!!! A true gift from God. I am so damn glad that we hired you.
Oodles of appreciation,
Your spazzy client

Dear Mortgage Guy,
I feel better about things now. Thanks for working on this. Thanks for getting back with us so quickly and for working with me and RealtorMan to straighten things out. I know people make mistakes sometimes, but this is the scariest thing I have ever done - much scarier than getting married or ANYTHING - so little mistakes scare me a lot. But I'm glad that you've been in touch & you're trying to keep communication lines nice and open. I really look forward to looking at your final offer for us today.

Dear credit union,
Nice of you to call back. It's only been 4 business days since I left that message with you. [/sarcasm] Seriously, though. On the whole, I love your company. And I understand that your mortgage department is too swamped right now. I really really wish we could work with you, but it just can't happen. But maybe we'll refinance with you later, hmm? biggrin.gif
RV best to find out anyway, right? I know, I was the same way when I got strep...I didn't go right away, and when I finally did, my throat was swollen and pus filled (um eeew).

Dear T,D,M,

Thank you again so much!

dear bobo

three more months of waiting and watching the belly undulate and roll. i am getting so excited. but is it really necessary to kick box my bladder? i almost peed myself this am when i sneezed.

Dear Mr.Daisy,

Deal with it. Yeah so fucking what I have alot of crafts. Isnt that the whole point of having a two bedroom house where we called one the CRAFT ROOM!? If I feel like having a half knit sweater, then a nearly done cross stitch, and then I start making my brother a scrap book of our trip together, and they all stay on my side of the CRAFT ROOM it has nothing to do with you!
You are not allowed to bitch about 'my unfinished projects'! Thats why they are MY unfinished projects. I like them. I keep them all in seperate bags all neatly organized on MY SIDE OF THE MOTHER FUCKING CRAFT ROOM!

Get your dirty mits off my stuff and get off my back about doing lots of projects. You knew what I was like before we got this house together. Now you can be a big boy and deal with it. I have my own set of drawers in the craft room for that purpose - I KNOW I dont finish my projects I start. So I keep them in MY desk! You dont even have to see them! If they make you sooooo mad and frustrated, why are you going over to MY craft desk, opening it, and viewing the projects!

For your own mental health, then, I suggest you keep the fucked craft desk closed. Problem solved!! No more you being angry!

Love always,


dear t,

i know you thought it would be funny, i know you thought it would be sweet, but it was really annoying. i really didn't want to hear the announcer of the grocery store wish me a happy b-day. i'm tempted to think it's part of your usual sadism, but i think you were just having fun. the problem with you, and why i stopped dating you, is because your having fun and your sadism melt too often for my liking. i've told you, thousands of times, that i don't like to celebrate my birthdays. why do you think most of my friends have no idea when my bday is? it's not vanity. i like to keep it quiet, and low key, and there is a good reason for it. i have, for the most part i have escaped my bouts of depression this year, but there is one day i can never escape, it's regular as clockwork, it's my birthday.

some people have no regrets about their life. i'm not one of them. on my birthday, all my regrets come back to haunt me, lighting on me like a murder of crows, they follow me, suffocate me. every single bad choice, dead end and fuck up-- and you know that i've had more than my share-- every path or possiblity that could have maybe given me a better life taunts me, torments me. and no matter how i look on the outside, how much i smile, and seem 'normal', internally, i my flesh is being peeled, my nerves laid bare and set on by my past. emotionally, mentally, i am in severe pain. but you'd never know it to look at me. and that was how it was, in that grocery store. you and g came up to hug me, and i walked away. i was doing my level best just not to have a breakdown and fall to the floor sobbing. as usual, you timing was perfect.

i think you think i was joking when i said i am never going to hang out with you on my birthday again.
i wasn't.

it's not a matter of my chosing to be depressed, it's just part of who i am. telling me that is like this depression is like telling an alcholic he likes the fact that his body doesn't handle liquor like everybody else. it's part of the disease. it comes with the territory. so even on a great year for me, i am going to be having a hard time. trying to make me 'celebrate it'. isn't gonna stop the demons. it doesn't keep the pain at bay, it means i have the chore of having to keep up a brave face. it's too much work, on days like that. so next year, i'll do what i've learned works best for me: i'll try to sleep thru it, as best i can, and let the crying fits purge my system.

the only thing i want is a message on my vm or an email saying happy b-day when i finally climb out of my pit. nothing more.



so tell me, are you the sadistic bastard up there fucking with me? why is it that in one hand you hold a gift for me, in the other a curse? why else would you give me a feminine face, but indistructable facial hair that years of electrolosis and laser would only put a dent in? 8+ years before the hormones would make my hips grow only to find i'm growing in height too. i get breasts, but they grow lumps. my skin, moles that hide poison...... perfect jobs that fire me for no reason.....for a person who has wanted to disappear most of her life, you make it impossible. i know t and k would say it's made me stronger, and i can't argue with that. but i never wanted to be strong, i never wanted to be this visable. i just wanted to live my life quietly, but instead, it's that same two fisted curse's one two punch. so now what? i wait for the other shoe to drop?

can i have some peace? can one thing in my life happen without turbulance? can i just enjoy some sweet without waiting for the bitter?

Dear Self,

Now stop wallowing in self-pity and get to work dammit. Or else you really won't graduate next week and you'll be a total loser. *kicks self in butt*

Dear Thesis,

For the record: I hate you.

dear universe,

so, ok. you came through with part of what i asked for. you made most of them show up. that was cool. it's not your fault that there was no one in the office to meet one of them (i shit you not) and that the others were lost sales.

and i guess you truly answered the underlying question in there of whether i am doing the right thing in the first place. the obvious answer is no. it really sucks to be in this position right now and not feel like i can do much to get out of it until sometime in late summer after the baby is here and we get settled with him. then i will have to find a job that will at least pay an amount that i can count on each month, even if a lot of it will go to daycare, which i really didn't want to have to deal with.

at this point, though, it's more important that we maintain our bill payments so that we at least all have a place to come home to at night!

so, i guess thank you for giving me the courage to call her and tell her how i was feeling. it was nice for mrfj to tell me that he was proud of me for sticking up for myself. i was pretty proud of myself, despite the tears afterward. i'm just not used to having to tell people how disappointed i am. and it is still unresolved. but all i can do is my best and hope that good things come of it, even if it's not in a way i expected.

i'm sure there's a lesson you're trying to teach me right now. i'm too busy banging my head against the wall to get it just yet.

still, it would be cool if good things could happen between now and august... if you could maybe pull some strings for me? i dunno. it's worth a shot to ask, right? i've been a pretty good person for my life. yes, i've made a few stupid mistakes, but i've never done anything to hurt anyone intentionally. i really think that good things should happen to good people. i'm not complaining. i mean, i have the greatest gift that most people never recieve in my relationship with mrfj. i just wish we didn't have to have it so hard all the time. i've been rolling with the punches for a while now and i was hoping that all that was behind us. now we have this bundle of love coming to us and i really want to make sure he's happy and well taken care of.

whatever you can do, it'll be appreciated.


dear you,

yes. i do feel like you lied to me. at best, you misrepresented things in the most positive light. maybe it was wishful thinking on your part. maybe you truly believed what you were telling me. i can't figure out for the life of me why you would tell me those things if they weren't true. what would you have to gain? but what really hurts is that you are supposed to be my friend and you are so incredibly un-empathetic. you can't fathom what i am dealng with right now and obviously aren't even trying. hell, you don't have to worry about money. you don't have to watch your savings shrivel to nothing. you have no idea. but when you see that things aren't working for me the way you assured me they would - you don't even call. and when i call you, you tell me that i am not working hard enough even though i'm putting in more time than you told me i would need. and when i offer a solution? you tell me you'll call me back. and then you don't. it's been three days now.

i'm really holding back here. and i'm not even sending this to you. you have no idea what i truly want to say to you.

dear zoya -

It's ok to be happy. It's ok to have a great day. It's ok to be completely grateful and celebrate all the great stuff in your life. It's ok to have a great time and not think about him or your job or anything or anyone for awhile. It doesn't mean that any of it is going to go away if you just let go, enjoy and be happy. It may change, but can change for the better. I know you are afraid to let go of the thoughts because it feels like you're letting go of everything, giving up. But that is not the case. And even though as you write this, you don't really believe it, please try to. Because so many people that care about you have told you from the outside looking in exactly the same thing. It will all be ok. You had a shake up, that's all. And you care a great deal about this all. But just try and be happy and have a great day, allow yourself. See what happens. Be brave and jump off the deep end. You know that its only your fear that keeps you up here.

dear whoever -

*taps finger nails on the desk*

being at home, with lots of food, no cable, a nintendo wii, too much coffee, two lazy pugs, no Mr. Pug and no friends near by is very boring. i'm such a loser. i'm actually looking forward to the next semester so I can get off my ass again. all i wanted during this past semester was break and a chance to relax. well....i'm relaxed and now i'm bored and want to get up and moving again. one can only clean, masturbate on the couch, play wii and watch movies for so long. what a loser i am. maybe i'll sit outside tomorrow and read all day. it's so sunny out so why not? alright... getting in the shower. going to watch mr. pug bowl. big whoop!

*leans back in chair hanging head in utter boredom*

why meeeeeeee.....

*shoots up from chair*

OH! a day trip to the mall tomorrow! what a great idea!

sincerely -

Dear Self,

Work out tonight, you'll feel great, then take hounders to the park. DO IT!!!!

die already.

I don't and never bought into your sweet old lady act, and you are
but sometimes I don't know who I am madder at for that.. YOU, for being that way.. or Her, for letting you get away w/ it.

you are mean and self-centered to the extreme and your freakishly wonderful and Patient grown daughter is just Now starting to see it.. now that the monster has already hatched and gained super human stregnth... now that it's too late... now that there is no stopping you.

thank GOD I am not there! I'd literally PHYSICALLY put you in your place and if that sounds like a threat, well, yah. and if it's sick and demented that I'd say that to an old lady, I'm not loosing any sleep over it. all your ridiculous pouting and stubbornness to do something as simple as sit on your carport?
come on would that really KILL YOU to do that? one small act of kindness to make your daughter happy and let HER get some fresh air for 30 seconds? bc gosh knows you can't let her out of your site for that long.

you gave her life, I'd assume so that she could Live It (altho married to him I often question that too at times), but you seem so determined to cage her,to Keep her.. is she really That good of company?
bc guess what?
You're NOT!! you're as boring as watching toast brown!!

I say all this bc the emails and phone calls from your daughter break my heart. to hear her cry bc you are being so IMPOSSIBLE.. damn you you rotted old bag of bones.

be thankful I am both not there nor directly blood related bc I would and will not be your nursemaid.
I'd stick you in a home so fast the wheels of your new walker would still be spinning as I burned rubber pulling out.

you are the very worst example of how to age, and my darkest fear of having an only child,
grandaughter in law

missing you, and tho you don't know it yet, I am anticipating getting very slosh-faced and staying that way the majority of our weekend away. champagne glasses are already packed even.
make the time hurry please, and call already again ey?

Leave my parents alone. Seriously. Just back the fuck off. It's impossibly rude for you to suddenly announce that you're going to be at their house in about a week & that you expect them to allow you and three other people to stay there. Christ, they're my own parents and even I wouldn't do that to them! It's impossibly rude. And I think your intentions are manipulative. You've been twisting my parents every which way for more than 20 years and I am soooooo damn sick of it. I'm sick of the way you & your wife call my parents "Mom & Dad" when they are NOT YOUR PARENTS!!!!! And I hate the way that you have taken money from my parents and never paid them back. And your In-Laws? Jesus Christ. Did you know that when everybody went up for your graduation that your In-Laws walked out on their hotel bill and stuck it on my parents?!? They pulled the same shit at the restaurant, too. Disgraceful!!! But it's a pure example of the sort of people you chose to surround yourself with. Just more selfish, inconsiderate, manipulative assholes. Just like you.

Pay attention, bud: you are NOT a member of our family. Never have been. Never will be. So fuck off.

Never your sister,


Just say no. Okay? Just say it. I know he's fucked up. I know he's never had the best role models in his life. But he's a lying asshole. And he's 31 years old now. I don't think you can change him at this point and you CERTAINLY do not owe him ANYTHING!!! Tell him you're too busy. Tell him you're working. It's the truth, afterall. Besides, it doesn't feel like he really wants to see you. If he did, he might have called ahead and ASKED if you were available! Instead he's just going to show up with his trashy wife & his trashy brother and whatever other trashy person they invited. And they'll spend their time swimming in your pool and expecting you to cook for them & pay for everything. And they'll probably even steal some things while they're there. I don't trust them. Not one bit. And I strongly suggest that you don't let them in the house.

Listen, I'm really proud of you in lots of ways. I'm proud of your for putting your foot down & telling him last year that you weren't giving him any more money. But you need to do a bit more. You need to stand up for yourself. Don't let him use you. Don't let him manipulate you. The truth is that you do not have the time or the money to host 4 guests in a week. You just don't. So say so! Don't tolerate his shit! Take care of YOURSELF for a change!

Your loving daughter,

I know you're on my side here. Talk some sense into Mom, will ya? Thanks.
Why Hullo There

My typical greeting, no? You make me want to be a better person. You're teaching me more than you could ever know. Though nothing may ever come of it (I, however, have high hopes) I want you to know that you mean more to me than you will ever know. By the way, I NEVER thought I would see you do that. If a heart can swell, you made mine do it that other day. It was the oddest feeling.

Thank you

if you are offended by cursing, you really don't want to read this....

you goddamn motherfucking greedy-ass dicklick fuckstain. what the fuck is wrong with you? is it really so goddamn hard to take one slice of pizza? when the teachers in the program buy pizza or chicken to be nice, that doesn't mean you have licence to grab 2 or 3 slices. i don't fucking care what your fucking friends do. i'm talking to you, you dumb fuck. you're always the first one. even when the person who is buying the pizza tells everyone one piece you come back with 3. are you hard of thinking? did your mama raise you to keep your head up your ass, and are you ever gonna learn to uncork it? listen, you, stinking dickpuss, learn some fucking manners. don't hand me that bullshit about how "you grew up in another country" or "i was hungry" well you know what, the person behind you, might have circomstances worse than yours, but more than that, everyone was told if they didn't make a certain amount of money, they would be required to get on fucking food asistance, so if that was the case you have more than $150 of free fucking food, and no excuse. if you didn't get on assistance, it's your own goddamn, dumbass fault. but the deal is, you think you're too cute to follow the rules, you think if you look fly you can get by, wrong. and i swear to god, your little smart ass remark about how you're going to let me go first "so i don't talk," about set me off. excuse me? the issue is not my talk it's your behavior, skidmark. you know what, it's not even the pizza, that's just a symptom of you and the other african kids trying to get over, thinking you're cute. you ain't that cute, and i am getting seriously tired of your bullshit. i am sick of you and your group fucking everything up, fucking up the welding stations, talking durring classes, not paying attention, coming in late. stop acting like a child.

Dear Pugs,

where you been at? Haven't seen you in the okay thread lately! Come back!
and happy birthday, here's to some good portions for you tonight.

oh, happy b-day pugs!!!! i didn't know you were a taurus too! yay for pugsy!
Belated happy birthday wishes, LoveMyPugs!

Dear scalp,

stop being so fucking dry and itchy. You're killing me! I just ran out of cortisone, there's NOTHING I can do.
Chill the fuck out until I can get some more, or I'll have to decapitate myself.



exactly WTF is your problem? You're so incredibly fucking passive-aggressive!
Please oh please stay the fuck away from political discussions, you're just being selfish.
It's interesting how all the "injustices" in society you care about are always just the stuff
that apply to YOU and YOUR life. And exactly how are you one of the unfortunates again?
Oh yeah, you're the WORKING CLASS. That must be why you're working for a really large
newspaper and sit on your ass all day bitching about how you don't have the cultural capital
as the rest of us middle class, born with a silver spoon in our mouth people in media have.
Sorry, but you're not fooling anyone but yourself.

You have issues like no other person I've seen, and over, uh, nothing?
Exactly how has your life been hard again? By being the Pretty Girl all your poor, unprivileged life?
By growing up in a beautiful, old house with your loving parents and a sister who's your best friend?
By reading Hemingway at 14 and debating the poetry scene of today in a major newspaper at 28?
By never ever been actually BROKE, and in debt? By having the same, loving, handsome, intelligent boyfriend
for 7 years, a handful of close friends who's all in media/publishing, by worrying mostly about fashion, art,
home decoration and deadlines for book reviews? Yup, you're the poor, uneducated orphan alright.

Could I roll my eyes more, they'd roll out of the room this instant.

yours truly,

Happy Birthday LMP!!!!!!

I hope your day was beautiful and special just like you are.
rock til ya drop ! wink.gif

stop w/ the insecurities over your hair.
what's done is done.
people are Not going to stare at you when you go outside w/ it, or if they do, remember that it's in awe of your coolness factor and nothing less!
you are beautiful and unique (most def w/ the stripedy platinum & copper) and fun and funky and damned if anyone in this all shit/no culture town can make you feel like less than so!

don't you forget your own place, and while we're lecturing? get back to the writing!!

much love,

hey thanks. it's not like i haven't already seen the movie. my favorite movie this year, my favorite director, i just thought it would be fun to see it with you, i knew you'd love it as much as i did. and tonight was the last night. heh. i was going to use my b money to pay for 2 gallons of gas for you to drive us up there when it wouldn't have used even a 1/4 of a gallon. i was going to buy your ticket too, cos i know you are broke till tomorrow-- even though i'm unemployed right now, and can't get a job till the welding thing is done and have to watch every penny except for this windfall. it was just what i wanted to do with that money. it was money i alloted myself to treat myself, and i thought this would be fun for both of us. and it was! i never knew how fun it could be to have you decide you'd rather make plans with someone else at the last minute, and then chide me for not calling you back sooner, when there is no possible way that i could! hee hee! can you imagine the smile on my face? i bet you can. and i love that you never bothered to get back to me when i emailed you to find out what was up. pure glee! funnnnn! wheeeeeee! and when i emailed you saying forget it, you act suprized? not just fun, but funny! how do you do it? you know what, that's ok. i should have known better. when you went to school, i did my best to wait till you were done, and be understanding, and now that i'm in school, well, fuck me, right? ha ha ha! joke is so on me! but school has taught me a lesson! my friends suck, and this was your way of doing me a favor.

so again,
Dear coworkers,
Just so you know, the supervisor doesn't like talking.

He doesn't like a whole lot of things, such as people who want to move so they can talk to others. Yes, it's a boring job, but he doesn't care. He vetoed it the last time you asked, why do you think he'll be okay with it now?

Trust me, I know. I've seen it. I've got the horror stories. Why else do you think I am getting out?

And why are you so impressed that I found something else? This isn't the greatest job ever, and if you think it is, then I'd hate to know where you were employed last.

P.S. Next time, be sincere and honest that you want to hang out with me, instead of making plans, then cancelling at the last minute and coming up with some lame excuse. That hurt my feelings.
dear mr shiny.

please realize that all the changes in my body are new to me also and they are infact physicly happening to me. i do no want you to lie and tell me i am beautiful when you think i am not. so, i guess there really isn't a solution here. believe me, i realize that i do not have a wardrobe that is very accomidating to my rediculous body shape. it is not however like i chose this shape for myself.

i do not question whether or not you love me. you have been very patient and tell me everyday that you do. i just wish you were proud of what i look like. i wish you liked it. instead i feel like you are embarassed because my boobs are huge. i don't want you to be embarassed by me, but it is also really immportant to me personally to not just wear over sized mens clothing in which i feel dowdy and frumpy. i know spending money on clothing ot wear for only a short period of time is silly and there are so few options here, believe me i have looked. i am just really frusterate, i do not know how to deal with someone thinking i look rediculous. the thing is, when i do venture out, people compement me and even dave said i was "gorgeous, so i am inclined to think that it is truley just that you do not appriciate the current shape of myself. maybe i am just extreemly vain, (i'm sure my mom would agree here) and just need to let the pride go and be fat and frumpy.

this whole thing makes me so cranky, but i love you ans really want you to be happy with who i am right now. i am worried that you are never gonna get past what i look like till i can get back to what you originally met before all these changes.

Dear Mr.

Look. Im sorry but you need to seek some sort of help to get over your insecurities. Yes. I have slept with other people and yes, so have you (more in fact). Yes, Ive had the one night stands and morning mistakes but so have you. Ive cheating on a partner, so have you.

We all have our pasts but we need to get over it. Every time I mention something that even eludes to me having had sex before i met you sets you in a sad mopey state and it drives me insane. You need to grow up about this.

I LIVE with you now. Were planning on getting married and you still cant completely trust me?

When i say I am going out with my best friend and when you call you actually HEAR her drunk ass on the phone on my end, take that as a sure sign that Im not out on a date or at some wild sex party. I really am out with her. Im not seeing anyone else, Im not planning on seeing anyone else. But you know, if this keeps up its going to make me want to.
You need to relax a little and not get thrown into the deep dark depths of depression anytime I mention previous sexual experiences.

Please figure this shit out soon or Im going to run away from you.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Fuck you both. Fuck…You….Both! Fuck you both, fuck you both! I can’t think of anything else to say in words on this screen other then fuck you both. Miserable, selfish, money grubbing, most terrible, mentally abusive, asinine parents anyone in the world could have. I’d rather be beat. At least I could see it coming. My heart hurts so badly right now. I work so hard to be a good kid. It’s just never enough. Never, never, never. Should I just fucking kill myself so you aren’t bothered anymore? Paying out money for my schooling and helping out now and again buying R. and I dinner when we visit. You have the fucking money. Go to hell both of you. I hate you both. I’m not calling this time. I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t care what you say or do. I’m not fucking calling. I won’t do it. Not this time. Fuck you both.

((((Pugs hugs))))
Dear B, Crap, I knew this was going to happen. I miss you already, and you just left today. I have to get used to you travelling again. Boo.

Dear mom,

If something is wrong, I really wish you would let me know. You don't look well, and we are all worried. Keeping the truth from us, doesn't make things any easier. And it's kind of selfish of you, not to let us know. If you just up and die on us, we will never forgive you for leaving so much stuff unfinished and unresolved. If this is your last chance, step up and take it. Please.

g. kitty
dear feminism,
What have you done for me lately?


Dear girl at Body Shop,
You know your stuff. I would love to write a dissertation on you and how fucked up the conversation we were having was. And when i questioned you, and questioned the company you were representing, how sour things got for a moment! Either you and the company were really one, or the "core values" that you mention really do spread widely. I mean, wow. Wow, wow, wow. I know I came off as the pretentious cock I am, but I really learned a lot about how this industry works, just by the way your face lit up when you talked about these "communities" and "exploitation" in these abstract, distant, exotic ways that only buying African Body Balm can make you really understand.

I bought the thing for my mom. I'm not sure it's really worth it. When I asked you about the burner, it never occured to me whether it was hand or machine produced. I figured it was a mixture. but you made it a big deal, like it should have been hand crafted. I never wanted to help anybody. I think buycotts are really fucking hilarious. But you were so cute and bubbly and so, so, so ernest. So I paid 30 bucks for a piece of copper crap and some oil because my mom likes crap these days to celebrate her african heritage or whatever.

It's the ernestness that bothers me.
I won't save anybody, and I won't feel for anybody outside of my own world, and I will not try to, becuase it won't make me better. And my feeling won't make me more aware either. How much i cry or how much I buy or how much I donate will not make me smarter or more aware. it will just feel like drugs.

dear dude,

i like you. surprise! i know, given the situation, it's a pleasant shock that we actually have things in common. i had fun last night, even though i feel like it was a bit cursory getting-to-know you schlock and maybe the reason things went lukewarm is because we didn't break through that. but i certainly hope they didn't go lukewarm because you thought i didn't like you. i mean, i also hope it wasn't because you didn't like me, though if it was i'll deal, but i don't want you to think that just because i'm not good at coming across all flirty and tits-out like most girls it doesn't mean i'm not interested. i'm INTERESTED. you were cuter than i expected and just as confident as i'd hoped you'd be. i liked your shirt (though in hindsight i probably should have told you that in person) and i thought you were funny. i thought that it was kind of reciprocated until all of a sudden you were tired and we left and you gave me such a curt hug. i hope it was because you really were tired--from the sound of it you'd had a hell of a week--and that you were upset and nervous about what you have to do today (which, btw, i hope goes well). i hope you will call and i hope you'll give me another chance and i'll try really hard to make it known that i'm INTO you. i know i don't seem like much and i know i come across as pretty frigid, but believe me, make the effort to get me into bed and you won't regret it.


dear sexy girls of the world:


dear universe, god, whatever -

I'm ready. more ready than I've ever been. send me that brass ring again. I'll grab it this time. I'll do it right, I'll go slowly. I will be secure in myself and my worthiness, and I will trust that everything is fine. I will be fearless. I know now that part of fearlessness is walking through my own stuff. I'm ready to do it. I am doing it. Please send it my way. Please send it back to me. Give me the chance.

Dear You,
You are a totally muthafuckin pain in my ass and a total idiot to boot. More than half of the people you invited are out of town and not going to make it because the event is in three weeks. And M will not be inviting people so give it up!!! She doesn't want to host why do you keep insisting? Don't you get it? I am trying to do something nice for you but you make it really difficult, inviting your first grade teacher? ARe you for real? Don't you have any

friends your own age? I guess not since no one else has offered to do this for you because you are a total fuckin Bitch!!

I will do this for you, this one time, and then I am done. You suck!

Dear higher ups,

Can I please stay at the office I am currently at. Permanently. Please?



Dear BUSTies,

You rawk. I heart you.


Dear Emily,

I'm so proud of you for playing with other puppies more often at the park. You have come so far. You make me so proud.

Your proud momma/owner.

dear universe, god, powers that be, etc. -

somtimes I wish you'd just turn me into a cold, heartless bitch with no emotions or feelings. All my life I've felt things so deeply that it's sometimes debilitating. I don't want to be sad like I am right now. I don't want to miss somebody. I don't want to like someone so much that I jump in way too quickly and scare them off because I want to define things RIGHT NOW. Constantly I get that "you're smart, funny, pretty, sexy, confident etc etc" thing. and yes, it's true it's taken me years to love myself enough to know that I am all these things. But I'm also vulnerable and deeply emotional. And I want to be able to give someone great the amazing amount of love I have inside me. And sometimes I think people don't see that part of me and just assume that I don't have the deep feelings that I do. All I know is that I feel like I blew this chance and I'm sad and hurt. This seems to happen over and over, no matter how together I am, so the least you could do is to take away my emotions so that I don't hurt and get sad - hell, so I don't fall for someone in the first place and feel the feelings that eventually seem to lead to fear, which causes me to act out and bring myself nothing but hurt and sadness.

I know that I am who I am, but all of this really just sucks and I'm unhappy as hell right now. take these feelings away, please.


ps - I still hold out for this. I still won't believe it will not be mine. I still believe it is part of something to come.

Dear C.G,
This year I'll be 21. The same age as my brother when he died. Why wasn't it you? You are possibly the most horrible, pitiful and pathetic human being ever to walk upright. I bet you're not so "upright" now are you. Do you hang your head in the street in the hope that you don't see one of your old pals? Maybe one of SB's friends might see you. If they do i hope they spit in your face. You ruined that girls life you know and it makes me sick. Yeah so she shouldn't have hopped in to bed with you after he died but for fuck sake CG you moronic scumbag use your common sense. Do you think she did that because she loved you? Of course you don't. Is that why you gave her the drug yeah? So she'd stick around? Because you knew as long as she was smacked up she'd stay with you. So she wouldn't have to face the streets. Do you think that when she'd go out and steal to support your habit that she did it because she cared about you or was she doing it because she was addicted? What about R? You probably had a hand in that too I bet. As long as people are dragged down you your level you'll keep them around but as soon as they're clean you fuck off. Here's an idea. Do the world a favour and fuck off for good this time, I mean right off. Might i suggest a very long walk off a very short peir? I will stick my head out from under this black cloud and see the light. Just so long as you never darken my doorway again.

Dear strange girl walking around our office:

I have no idea who you are. You probably find it odd that I haven't asked you yet. Or said hi.

Here's why: You are using a little baby voice to talk, it is obviously contrived.

That is creepy.

For a grown woman your age and size to use the voice of a small child to speak.

That is all.
Dear Kittie,

Your CD Funeral for Yesterday ROOOCCCKKKKSSS!

I'm sorry I haven't been as loyal as a fan as I should have been. Especially for being one of the only heavy metal female bands to have survived as long as you have in a predominantly male profession. I’m going to go buy Oracle and Until the End this weekend.

Keep up the hard work ladies.

Yours Truly,


P.S. Please keep Tara and Trish. I like them and they have greatly improved the band as a whole. Mercedes, your drumming is sick lady! Morgan, have some soothing tea on me sweetie! I’m sure your throat could use it.
Dear MrD

Please stop being mad at me for little things. If my Koolaid cup was not rinsed out, thats not a reason to get really mad at me. Im sorry. Ill try to remember to rinse my Koolaid cups next time.

You need help communicating. I need to know what youre thinking. I am not a mind reader.

Please make yourself clear to me, because Im lost. What do you want me to do? I ask your opinon because we live together and have to make decisions together. If you let me make this big decision on my very own, you forfeit all rights to be mad at me down the line about it.

don't you realize i like you already!? we'd be good together, i've said that before. i think you know it too. so why the hell are you being so quiet? you're drivin me mad!
Dear cuties firefighter,

Fuck, you are one heck of a speciment. Can we use each other for a good time? It'll be amazing.

dear god/universe/spirit,

please help me find the right job for me. if i stay here or move somewhere...just let it be the right job for ME. please help me find my own apartment...i'm soooo ready to live on my own.

dear lc,

please learn to be more loving. please treat me with respect. if you know you have the tendency to act "shitty" with your friends, then stop. please stop thinking that everything is about you. i'm making so many needed changes in my happy for me, even if you don't understand. i am a feminist (you know that, but we don't discuss it often) and i'm tired of downplaying that fact to make some of the people i hang around more comfortable. no more.

Dear Moz,
Please don't be put off by my nerves. Sorry I didn't kiss you. We both know we wanted it. I know you couldn't have done it at your place because I said I didn't like pushy guys but it probably would have been the best time and in the car in my neighbourhood was certainly not! Next time I'm going to show you how I woo and you're going to like it. If you give me a chance that is.
Dear L,

I have to say thank you for doing what you did. That was a hige step for you, and I know that you were worried about comfort, but it was a really wonderful experience for me. You did this for me, and that is amazing. You are a really great guy, and if I were ready for a relationship then I would have fallen for you. But I am really not ready. I still want to hang out with you and continue doing what we are doing. It is fun and I really enjoy your company. It's fun, we will do this until we get bored with things.


Dear J,

let's do it again! That was pretty cool and fun. you know how I feel about this kind of thing, and people like you and I are few and far between, it's hard to meet someone like you. It's fun.

dear UK -

Please send that paperwork soon. I can't wait to get to you. Also please have a nice flat for me somewhere.


dear scotland -

I AM going to get the job I want in you. There is every reason for it to happen and I can't fucking wait. I fucking love you.


dear wine -

I love you too.

dear zoya,

You're coming to Scotland? which city?
PM me if you prefer.

Dear Moz,
Just grow a pair and invite me over tonight. I know you're not doing anything and want to see me. Go on. What do you have to lose? Do it!! DO IT!!
dear pig farm
please take me on. i'll be good. i'll be enthusiastic, promise. Its only for two weeks and i really do want the placement.

and if you're not going to give me a placement, fuckin' email me and tell me already. I have a summer to organise!
yours impatiently
dear wine -

ouch. I love you but my head hurts today.


dear zoya -

no drunk posting. NO drunk posting!!!!

dear clarity in love gods,

dear organization gods,
please give me the strength to finish unpacking and organizing by tomorrow night!
I am so tired of doing this.
Dear plumber

please do not try to dick me around on the price of fixtures and such. if i do not see a full list of prices (the exact amount please) i will simply go elsewhere. you are not the only plumber in this town and you are very much replaceable. if you think that because i am a woman that i will just let this slide and blindly say ok then pay the bill, you coulsn't be more wrong.

thank you

dear universe,

fuck you. not again, not now. fuck you. why can't everything just be okay for me? FUCK.
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