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write a ever reads
Oh sorry, wrong category, this should be in the
"I DID IT!!" Celebrating our Accomplishments thread

(time for this far-out somewhere round midnight jokes ( I live in Europe)


Dear Dumb Ass,
Are you fucking totally stupid? I guess the answer is yes since the directions CLEARLY stated to not release the students till 12:05. There is a reason it is called a standardized test this means that everything is done the same.
I feel sorry for your students who have to be taught by someone who is illiterate.

Dear Bitchy Test Proctor,
when I tell you that someone released their kids before 12:05 pm as we were all instructed NOT to do and y ou tell me it is not your job, it pisses me off. Apparently staff and students can do whatever the hell they want and there are no consequences for fucking up. fuck you!


Dear Opie,
Unless y ou have something productive or informational to add to the meeting please for the love of Christ

Dear Jagoff,
Fuck you, everyone is busy this time of year but guess what some of us are still able to make it to our supervisions as we are contractually obligated to do. What y ou have to do is not any more important that what anyone else has to fuckin do, so I suggest you bring that shit down to the room and do it there. I may be tempted to squeal but then again we work in a building where nobody cares if you do a good job or are a complete and total fucktard. So continue to be a Jagoff since it doesn't matter anyway


Dear Lord,
please help me complete this year with out kicking someone in the nads or punching someone in the neck.

I feel so much better now
Best thread ever!
Dear clients,


Dear Universe -

ok, you gave me the shot. fuck. ugh. I realize it was too soon. dammit. please let things work out. fuck.


Dear A -

I really wasn't trying to convince you of anything. I was merely sharing what I felt. It was good to hear where you're coming from. I understand where you're coming from, it doens't make me happy, but I understand. Distance means nothing to me, but I also now know that I was pretty much right on when I thought that the distance was big for you and that you really want actual time together with someone to get to know them. That you don't think that phone calls and chats are very formative - you think just living life and seeing what someone is like is formative. I am so frustrated at this whole thing that kept us from seeing each other this month, I certainly would have been feeling better about everything if we had been able to see each other. I hope this hasn't freaked you out and put a damper on things. I really love knowing you, and have such a great time with you.

Dear you,

Will you please quit sneaking into my dreams. It has to stop. Thank you.


dear busties,

please keep threatening to punch people in the neck, it always makes me laugh.

with dr pepper running from my nose,
ps. if you can add "i am gonna nose hook so and so" i'd appreciate it. the nose hook is the only thing funnier than punching them in the neck.

dear tv,
i miss you. i really do. you were always good to paint to, or to draw to, and you loved telling me stories or showing just how stupid people could be. i miss that. so many people told me i wouldn't miss you, that i am better off without you, but what do they know? they have probably never watched adult swim, strangers with candy or wondershowzen-- i mean, really. since you have left all i do is want to go out and drink. i never draw, and my apartment is a mess. sniff. if i ever see you again, i will never turn you off. i will get you a special pillow so you will be comfy in bed, and i will even get you funny hats (jk, i know how much you hated rabbit ears). ok, i am going to try to do homework without you now. blech.

um, you're fun, but you talk too much. get some mtv editors and flashy visuals, k?

dear trans god/dess,
thank you so much for the last month or so. it's been stressful, but i feel like my horizons have been broadened, thank you for all the sign posts and funny little hints that i am where i am supposed to be. the tranny f2m teacher was awesome. i am really so fortunate. thanks for letting the lightening go well too. oh and how can i forget about the new hormones they are awesome. as is the new doctor. she kicks ass. thank you for the happy accidents that got me to her, and the new 'mones. i feel much more centered, softly femme without going overboard, and my hips are growing again! yay! bigger please, with a like wise bigger booty would be awesome, so i don't have to go the pumping route. i am dreaming of a number like size 14 that would be dreamy....... i am lighting the candle today in thanks, but also in the hopes that my welding will go better, and i won't weld anymore contact tips shut, that my brain will figure out wtf is going on with this homework, and that the rest of the program will go swimmingly. can i also ask for a clear, strong career path when all of this is done? something where i can be artistic would be awesome, but if i need to do art on the side, that's cool too. and while i'm asking, can you rig up the free cable again? if it's not too much trouble.
thanks ever so,

ps, the horniness is not helping. i am super crushed out on t, and e, both are fresh off of relationships, and it is really difficult for me to think straight.
Dear T.

Could you please come out tonight?


I don't know who to write this to except maybe to myself. I know I am in this situation fully by my choice and that I can get out of it anytime I want, but it is still really hard. I wish he cared about me in the same way he cares about her, and I know he never will, but I still can't quite make myself believe it. It makes me sick to my stomach when he talks about her, and I know he won't if I ask him not to, but that seems to make me feel worse. I knew he had been talking to her again, and it did give me a little ping of satisfaction when he told me, and I found out I had been right. I know that I have no control or hold over him; we are not committed, so he can do whatever he wants, and the only thing I can control is whether I keep hanging out with him. I guess right now I still care about him too much to break it off. I just have to keep remembering it's my choice, and right now the benefits still outweigh the hard stuff, but if it gets to a time that they don't, I can say goodbye, and I will be able to handle that, no matter how sad it makes me. I can get through it.
Dear HR,

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I know how to do this fucking job, I know what I am doing, I'bve been doing in for years. ny experience as a student is just as relevant, if not more so. Why you would pull someone who has no knowledge of this department, with no working knowledge of policy, procedure and legislation is beyond me. I have all of that, just because I haven't worked with clients ongoing does not discount me from doing the job I AM ALREADY DOING!!!! I have all the experience, you want, but noooooooooooooooo, it doesn't amount to shit fuck all.

Screw you,

Dear A -

we haven't been able to talk since that conversation the other night
so I'm just going write you..
I hope I didn't freak you out. I'm sorry if I did.
I understand where you're coming from, and you're right. just gets frustrating not being able to see you.

dear mistress of the universe -
so, the door's closed, and that's cool, i didn't really want what was on the other side of it (because it opened on the other side of the country, far away from everyone). so where are my open windows? at least one to jump out of?

in three weeks, i have no plan. in three weeks, i have no occupation and nowhere to live and i'm no longer a student and i don't want to go home even though i have a very nice home but i'd like to try to be an adult one of these days, ok? so just show me? i am open to the universe. i will try anything. i have a lot of freedom. i do not have any money. such situations can cook up great things; they can also lead to parents-basement living. please show me something. please don't let me 160k education have been for nothing.

by the way, thanks for the student loans. i actually mean this. they're not impossible. i hope. as long as i'm EMPLOYED.

dear self -
the universe is unfolding as it should. the universe is unfolding as it should.

your waist, however, is not. eat less crap. it's a very simple formula.

okay, eat less crap AFTER you finish all your schoolwork. you may have a temporary pass until then. but not one minute longer, missy.

if you go home, you will merely save, apply to jobs, and plan roadtrips. it would not be the worst thing that has ever happened to you. you have good parents and friends who love you and will tell you to pull yourself out of it.
i love you.
remember, as your sister says, be kind to yourself!
ETA: and i have some bad news. reading slash is NOT the same as doing homework. neither is reading shit that, while interesting, is ultimately irrelevant to your schoolwork. i love you very much, and i'm only saying this because i want you to graduate.
- me

dear artist -
this evening, i told you to pull yourself out of the gutter of your rage. i meant it. you cannot be so angry it clouds your good judgment. yes, she is crazy - but you are not. you have longterm goals. you are better and smarter than this. please do not do anything stupid or rageful. i know you have been pushed beyond all reasonable limits. i know what you are going through is insanely, extremely hard and i can't imagine it. you have the kind of strength that comes from necessity, but it is awe-inspiring none the less, and i love you. i am so looking forward to the next ten, twenty years of our friendship. i love you. i won't say this isn't difficult, but i will back you up every step of the way, however i can.
good luck tonight, and the rest of this, one of the most important weeks of our lives (ha!).
please be okay.
Dear potential friend:

So, I'm getting this vibe that you aren't taking my request of friendship very seriously and you want a relationship.

That's not cool. Even if I was single, you still aren't my type. I am very choosy about boyfriends and there is nothing--and I repeat, nothing--about you that makes me want to be with you in that aspect. You obviously don't think much about my relationship (and yes, it is rocky), but if I had to choose between you and AZ Guy, you aren't the one I'm choosing.

When you called me on Thursday and asked me to change my weekend plans to hang out with you, that wasn't cool either. I'd planned this trip for a long time, needed to get out of town and spend some time alone in the wilderness, and having you along, or staying in town for one day to hang out with you, would have spoiled things. I'm a grown woman, have been on trips alone, and can handle myself. I can handle being alone for long periods of time, which is something you can't seem to wrap your mind around. Oh, and I had a fabulous time. I even had what you'd call "fun," although I'm getting the impression that your definition of fun doesn't involve a tent, and a hiking trail.
So, here's the thing, I want to be friends, but I don't want anything else. If you can't handle that, then it's your loss.

Dear self,
Go to the gym more often and sign up for those yoga classes now, and we will not be killing you the next time you go on a long hike. Trust us, those calves are not going to get any bigger if you work out.
--your legs
dear lilacwine -

maybe we should swap guys. or at least what they want.


Dear S,

Seriously. For the past sixteen years of my life everything has been about you. Since you came kicking and screaming into this world it has been you, you, you and never me. I was first and I should continue to be first but that doesn't seem to be the case. Since the day you were born you became more entitled than I for our father's affection. There have been times where I have asked him for something trivial that he was more than at liberty to give and he has denied me only to turn around and provide it to you not minutes later. I'm getting tired of it, dammit.

And today you are going in for surgery. He's taking half a day of work of to be with even though your mother took the whole day off. It's KNEE surgery. You're getting a SCOPE. Do you really need BOTH PARENTS when you are almost an adult? In one more year there will be a big world out there ready to swallow you whole and I'm telling you, it's going to happen. You have grown up so spoiled it's ridiculous. And everyone says *I'm* the spoiled one. Jesus.

I still love you because, yes, you are my little sister.

But fuck, grow up and stop being such a little baby!
Dear BUSTies,

Where is everyone? It's so quiet in here.

Dear zoya,
Maybe we should.

Dear job gods,
Please let tomorrow go well, I need this. And please don't let the interview be some quota-filling exercise.
JK- Fuck you for only thinking entirely of yourself. All of the time. I'm sick of your weak excuses and hope you rot alone in hell. No, I hope you rot in hell with your mother. I hope both your kids grow up to be the selfish brats you're teaching them to be and if you finally ever realize it- it's too late. I hope your wife parks your wheelchair in the corner backwards and lets you only watch the cracks grow along the wall everyday when your old. You deserve it. I hope all your years of being supreme to everyone else in the world catch up to you when you're left as a pin cushion in a nursing home. I hope you sleep well at night now because as soon as I can find a way to get in your head while you sleep to torment you I will. Just payback for all the nights I was sick with worry and you could have cared less. Oh yeah, that is if the end of the world does not happen soon like you constantly remind me it will. I'm tired of your crap. I wish I never knew you at all. You are a stain.
*walks in room and slumps into the chair in a huff, lights cigarette since she can't do it in real life and takes a long drag, lays head on desk and begins to cry*

Dear Self

Just stop procrastinating. You are a really terrible, terrible procrastinator. Why do you do this to yourself? You could have got an A in this class and now that you've put off the drawings so much you will be lucky to get a B. Everyone is going to be disappointed in you. You are going to be disappointed in yourself. Life could be so much easier if you just didn't procrastinate. It’s not a sickness it’s laziness. You can just do things a little bit at a time but no, no, no. You have to wait and what’s worse is that you justify putting things off because you’re “stressed”. What do you have to be stressed about? You don’t work. You have no financial worries because Ryan supports you. What's wrong with you? You hate yourself for being this way. Why don’t you just change? Why is everything so hard for you to do? Why do you find everything so challenging and eventually give up on them? I can tell you why. It’s because you don’t go to class and you sit on your fat, lazy, good for nothing, bitchy, worthless, fucked up, hopeless ass. You can’t stand yourself. You never finish anything. Why does Ryan stay with you? He deserves much more like someone who is not lazy and so scared of success and failure. You are great to family and friends; always taking care of others but worthless to yourself. You don’t do shit for yourself but watch TV, sleep and eat. Learn! Go to school and enrich your mind! Make something of yourself! Be someone for yourself! You are such a drag on Ryan. He's probably so fucking sick of your shit. Sometimes I think he’d just be better off without you. I’m sure he thinks it too. Just get it the fuck together ok?



Dear T, D, & M,

I just wanted to say thank you for doing everything that you have done for me. Never in my life has anyone done for me what you have done in a place of work. The thanks, recognition and trust you have in me means a grat deal. and that you allow me (or out faith in me) to do the things I have done here so far is huge!

Thank you so much,


Dear Pugs-y.

Feel better honey!


dear sheena,

don't beat up on yourself so much. i have pretty much gotten to know you since you first started posting here. and one thing i can say is that you are much, much better than you give yourself credit for. you and i have quite a few things in common, and beating ourselves up, and procrastinating are just two. while i can't always see when i am beating myself, i can tell when you are doing it. i wish i could give you a hug, and tell you it'll be alright. it will you know. you are putting a lot of stress on yourself, but think about all the things you've had to deal with in the last few weeks. your mom has been sick and taking it out on everybody, and who is one of the people everyone leans on?

it's you.

and there is a reason for that, sheena. you've got an awful big heart, and you feel things so deeply, but trust me when i tell you, you're doing better than a lot of people would. i know for a fact, you're doing better, by a mile than i ever would with all that going on. so you needed to have some time to do nothing, to clear your head. it's ok. you'll make it up. some of us take a bit longer to find our way. to find out what we want to do, and we have it rougher than those people who knew in third grade. we have to wander in the desert never knowing if we will reach that promiced land, but please don't beat yourself up, or think that ryan would be better off without you. give him some credit too. he knows when he's got a good thing;)


dear wee lil' hips,

do you know how long i've waited for you to sprout? it's been forever. for the longest time, i would daydream about having you. i'd close my eyes at night and hope you'd be there magically in the morning... but you never were. all my friends tease me, saying i can have their fat, their hips, and if i knew a way to make that happen i would have, but there isn't. i had to wait for you. it's been roughly 96,532 hours give or take a couple thousand, since i started this path. ok, technically i've always been on this path, but you know what i mean. it's not been easy. i thought you'd be here years ago, i wouldn't still be shaving, my boobs'd be well, lets just say i wouldn't be wearing padded bras anymore. i also didn't think i'd pass, or change my name, or any number of the numerous detours i've taken. it's the story of my life. i know umpteen girls who transitioned in a year, and did things faster than me, but this is my path, my life and my body. as much of a pain in the-- lol -- ass my body has been, i've dragged it in to this new life kicking and screaming, but it was you that i wanted, you that i waited for. i don't know how much you'll grow, but i hope it's a lot. since day one, i wanted child bearing hips, funny as it sounds. all the other girls wanted boobs, and while i thought that would be nice, i wanted hips, those marvelous curves....i didn't, i don't, care about the big operation, that wasn't womanhood to me, or more exactly, for me. it was so many other things, things people pointed out that were already a part of me, how i held a cup of coffee, soft gestures, an inner strength, love of things with personal meanings, quietness, and you. i even debated doing things i knew were dangerous so i could have some facsimilie of you. i've gone back and forth, looking at other girls, industrial silicone filling their hips and chests. their hourglass figures, perfect for now. i never wanted perfection, only to find myself, and who knows how long the silicone would stay in my head i can still see pictures of trannys with that plastic, bonded with their muscles sliding, lumpy, chunky, impossible to take out... but still i wanted you so badly, i still do. it's so funny, the temptation to get pumped. i know it's not a good long term choice, but i have fought all my life to have my body the way i know it in my head-- even for a little while, it seems worth while, but i am hoping that the tranny god/dess will have blessed me, just at the time when i probably would have given in, made the other choice. i can't even say it's the wrong one. just a different one. but i hope you are here, right on time, as aunt dottie would say, on these days when i feel more like a woman than i ever did, when it takes so little effort, when i feel comfortable in my skin, something i've felt so rarely in my 30+ years. it feels like i'm growing into me, into my womanhood, and here you come! yay! i just want you to know, you are wanted, no matter how much, you won't hear complaints from me. you just grow big, k? i love you, little hips. make me proud...after all, i've been waiting....

Dear job gods,

Thank you.

Dear GT, Rudder, Culture and other supportive busties!

I have nothing to say but THANK YOU! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are all so wonderful that there aren't words to describe. To have friends like you is a blessing. I'm lucky to have bust to lean on when I need it. When my friends and family are too busy with their own lives. I just hope that I'm there for all of you when you need me. Want to see proof of what your support can help me accomplish!

Intro to Mechanical Engineering “A”
Physics “A”
Sociology “A”
Intro to Technical Drafting “B”

Again, thank you, thank you, thank you! I couldn't have done it without all of you.


Dear Pugs,

Awww thanks. (((((pugs)))))

that was a really beautiful letter to your hips. thank you for writing it and sharing. one of my best friends is transitioning in the other direction right now, and of course i can't know what it's like to be in his body, but things like your letter there help. i just wanted to congratulate you/wish you luck/say how much i admire people who have to fight so hard to get their bodies to match their visions of themselves. i respect the process & am in awe of it. i hope your hips come through for you!
- skin
Ditto what SWOS said. Beautiful letter, hon. smile.gif

Dear brain,
So, what's the deal? You've been giving me lots of trouble recently. Sudden brain cramps, migraines, a touch of dizziness. Is it just all of the stress from finding a mortgage company? Is it all about the move? Or is there more to it than that? I certainly hope it's just the stress because I can deal with that. Stress is normal when buying a house.

I just don't want to get another MRI. I don't want to have to deal with finding a new neurologist at the same time that I'm buying my first house. I don't want to hear that the cyst has grown. I just want to settle into my new house & do a wee bit of painting.

Dear B., Thank you for this morning. I've been glowing all day, and every time I think about it, I start smiling again.

Dear self, see, things are better when you relax a little and let things happen instead of trying to be in control and forcing stuff all the time.
dear universe -

I do believe that you can bring the best to me, and will. And you have already done it so many times, and for that I am grateful. However, I am going to just vent here for a bit. WHAT THE FUCK is this all about? WHAT??? WHY THE FUCK did you send this man into my life, have him walk in out of the blue, out of all the people in the world, you sent me my male doppelganger in the most amazing way that I never could have possibly imagined. And you made what seemed impossible, possible. and then, WHY THE FUCK did you just let it ram into a brick wall, completely out of our hands? WHY? I'm so FUCKING PISSED. like what the fuck? are you just fucking sitting up there laughing at your fucking sick game that we are just pawns in? Because I feel like a fucking pawn. You brought me just what I wanted - more than I could have ever expected - and then pulled it away? WHY THE FUCK? Was it a test to see how I would deal with stuff? well I didn't deal with it well, I've been cracking. Anyone would. I don't fucking get your motives. I still want this. I haven't given up thinking that this is some big picture. Please do something about this.

dear off and on letter writers....
freckle, princess dander, freespirit, rudderless(and her pings), yuefie, pixiedust, faerietails1+2, lilac, rosev, culture, zoya, crazyol'catlady, tes, mouse, lucizoe, missladyj, candycanegirl, rantrave, kelkello, mandy, bunnyb, aural poison, pugs, sybarite, gomers, doodle, ohmaude, pollys, beauty and her bass....

thank you for letting me in, thank you for sharing those little slivers of you.

self- Aaaaugh!!!!! Stop procrastinating!!!!! Do your work!

If you ever call me downstairs to yell at and belittle me again I will not yield. I don't care if it's your house. I don't care if you are the one making all the money. I don't care about anything that particularly deals with you. I don't care if you kick me out altogether and I have to live on the street.

Try it again. One more time, I dare you. See what happens. You can't play my game, you'll lose. I owe you nothing and I won't take your abuse much longer.

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on (but cannot afford to keep).
dear a,

are you framiliar with the concept of the "internal monlouge"?

you know, it's all the thoughts in your head... the things you think but don't nesecarily say. in your case it would be things like "am thirsty. i am going to go pour myself a glass of milk" and "i made x for dinner. it's not so good"

saying these things to someone is a little out of the ordinary. taking the time to type them out and send them to the girl you dumped is just friggin weird.

i'm not your mommy. i'm barely even your friend. i don't care to know when you go to the bathroom or the nuances of your eating habits.

i'd tell you to stop... but when you come up with this stuff it reminds me how small your focus is. how you think about only yourself. and how it's a good thing that i no longer see you.
Dear GT,

I heart you!


Dear T,

Uhhhh? I'm confused. Do you want this friends with benefits thing or not? JUST TELL ME DAMMIT! It'll be fun, you know it! Come on!!!!

QUOTE(dayglowpink @ May 4 2007, 10:07 AM) *
self- Aaaaugh!!!!! Stop procrastinating!!!!! Do your work!

Dear Fellow Procrastinators,

Is there anything we can do about this? I hate procrastinating and yet I do it all the time no matter what. I'm doing it now with cleaning the house for a party I'm throwing tomorrow night. You non procrastinators need to start getting on us.


Desperate to Get Something Done
Dear work day,

Can just be fucking over already? Booooooring!

dear universe,

ok, i have four appointments this weekend, the first starting in less than an hour. PLEASE - i emplore you - make this happen for me. i've done my part, i've got them all set up. i made them want love. now help them buy a membership so we can actually help them find it. i really really have people's best interest in mind. i want them to find their dreams. i want them to find love beyond anything they imagined. that's why i took this job.

but selfishly, i need to get paid. i can't just keep making calls and setting people up for appointments to help them, but not having it work out. this is my JOB.

please help these people find their way to the office, and find a way to make their dreams come true.

with all sincerity,

Dear Incubator,

Thank you. You're the first project I totally took on my own and did start to finish, without intervention and without advice. I really was afraid you wouldn't start up...or that I'd plug you in and you'd blow a fuse or short out your brand new compressor. Thank you for not letting me down.

You rock, actually. I wish they still made stuff of the quality you are. I fired you up and within ten minutes you were down to 0 celsius, down from about 26 celsius, and you were cycling on the hot gas bypass.

You rock. And, now, thank you for making me feel like I might rock, someday.


Thank you for not being mad at me when I took your incubator in for service before you emptied it....oops. I do believe it's fixed now.

Dear "you know who you are",

Where's our R-12 charger!!???
Dear old company,

Thank you for firing me. You are assholes. I have epilepsy you dickheads which is why I took off Thursday. I wasn't faking it. Why the hell did you bother Mcgeek at work when you could have called my cell? And no, I didn't go to a hospital at 4 am in the morning, and I live alone! The cat can't drive!

But anyways, thank you for firing me. I'm a little pissed right now, b/c I thought I was doing a decent job at your piece of shit job. I would never want this for a career.I realized from day one that it was only a paycheck. I figured out that once I stood to you that you didn't like that, b/c of you bully attitude. Honestly, this was just a paycheck.

I will just become a librarian, and go back to grad school.


Please stop the seizures. Or at least reduce them. I'm sick of losing jobs, and people still treating me with disrepect and losing my mind. I'm sick of crying, I'm sick of all these stupid side effects and all these meds. I just want some compassion here.


I'm sorry that my keeps spurting that we're going to break up. I think I love you, and I just think that I'm too afraid to admit it to myself. You actually support me. And tell me that you want to take care of me. Well, a lot of other men have said that too. And they're been wrong. Yeah, I know I have trust issues. I just want us to enjoy Portland at the end of the month without killing on another.


What the fuck is going on lately? Why are you being so bitchy? You have this weird notion b/c I'm with Mcgeek now that I must get on birth control or I will suddenly become pregnant. Hello. Not pregnant.


I hope your heart is okay. I don't want you to die. I can't live with it. Please do not have a heart attack. I can't deal with losing a dad. I think I'd go nuts. I'm worried. Please go to your doctor. Please take your meds.


I love you. Thank you for being my best friend and brother all these years.... and telling me that if this job didn't want me to "fuck em"

Dear procrastinating Busties,

If any of you find the cure for procrastination, let me know. I need some of it.

Dear job,

Well, that's a proper send-off, isn't it? The reason why almost everyone on my damn shift quit in the first place was the damn mandatory overtime, now you're making us work it the last week I'm here. In the words of Wesley Willis, "suck a caribou's ass." It's not the money, it's just that I finally am on a decent sleep schedule and staying until 3 A.M. is going to fuck things up.

Dear gym,
The last thing I need to hear while working out is Nickelback. Or Fallout Boy. Or whatever passes for mainstream pop music nowadays. Change the damn radio station, and I might not consider canceling my membership.
substandard english usage
Dear A,

These are some things I feel you might not know, but should:

1. You should brush your teeth and bathe with greater regularity. It's the grownup thing to do.

2. Your hand-to-forehead ennui and depression was sexy and mysterious at 18. At 28, it's pathological. Man up and take care of your shit.

3. Speaking of shit, your house? It's a squalid hole. You should either do something about that or burn it down to prevent rats.

4. When I described your cock as perfect? Um, yeah. I lied. What can I say? I'm a nice person and you caught me off guard, but really it looks like you stole that fucker off an 8 year old.

5. There is nothing in the world I want you to say to me. Okay, maybe one thing. "I'm moving to _______ ." THAT would be okay, but really, I'd prefer to hear that through the grapevine in the same way that I heard you were back to fucking your ex.


dear tree,

you began to rock years ago, and haven't stopped yet. you are the most awesomeist tree evah! you are my inspiration, and my hero(ine) and pixburgh is waiting for you.

Procrastinators- I wish I knew what the cure was. Well, I sort of do, but it involves a long painful process of uncovering unconscious issues and working them through in therapy. I'm in the middle of that right now, but it hasn't cured me quite yet. I did end up getting a little bit done, though. I emailed my professor in a panic, because I was supposed to turn in a paper yesterday, and I hadn't started writing it yet. She emailed me back and gave me some good paper-writing advice which was "glue yourself to the chair, start outlining all the research you have, and don't worry about it being good right now." I tend to write papers as final drafts right off the bat, since I always wait until the last minute, but I had myself completely paralyzed with this one, and it did help to give up on having to have a final draft done yesterday and just get something on the page. But I have a long way to go. There are just so many more fun things to do! It's funny, though, because I absolutely hate cleaning and organizing my house, but I detest doing school work even more, so if I have school work that needs to be done, I will actually clean the house as a way to procrastinate from the school stuff. Neurotic!
dear self,
it is the last week you will ever spend going to school. please do not stay up all night and fuck up your studying for finals. if you study, it will help you get a good grade and finally graduate. it's only a few days can handle it..come on...just do it..

Dear N.

Thanks for listening.

Dear higher power,
thanks for giving my brother a kick ass web designer job!
Please make him stop bitching about that it's difficult.
Btw, how come he's suddenly the whinier sibling?
When you're at it, can you give me a kick ass job as well?
My boss is such an idiot.


Dear D,
I don't know why you press all my buttons, but you do.
Really, you do your best, you're very kind and a good friend,
and the fact that you're incredibly narcissistic, well, I guess I just have to deal.
I don't want to be like this when you're moving away soon, but in order
NOT to be like this, our friendship has to be, well, less intense.
And you hate "less intense", you want everything to be hardcore all the time:
6 h conversations about life, love, literature and religon. I love that about you,
but at the same time it really wears me out. I know you despise just chatting
away and having a few drinks and then go home, "recreational friendships"
as you call them. Well, I'm sorry, but I need that too. I'm really too stressed out
and worried about shit to have these marathon talks every week.

I know it's part my fault that you're feeling lonely. I'm so sorry about that.
I don't want you to move away, but if I'd say I'm going to change, I'd lie.
The truth is that I LIKE keeping a bit of distance to you, I like the way our friendship
has gradually changed over the years. I'm just tired of all the drama. It's not helping.
Do you remember the time you said. "Don't you think we should talk about this,
once and for all?" and I said no? Don't you get it? We can't talk about everything
to make it disappear, there are things between us that just are what they are, and
we can't do anything about it and we can't make it better by discussing it.

The kind of friendship we have right now is exactly what I can offer you;
long conversations once in a while, but mostly just hanging out, and sometimes
I just don't feel like seeing you. The way you want me is a way that makes me feel
exhausted and BAD about myself. You literally make me isolate myself in my house
for a week because you wear me out.

I hope you'll be happy with your desicion to move back to your parents' house.
It sounds kind of sad to me, but maybe you need some time to think things over.
I had a similiar crisis a few years ago, so I can relate, I just hope this is the best thing for you to do.
I want you to be happy, I really do. You deserve happiness.

love, me
Dear B -

I always said back then, that I'd rather be just friends with you than not know you at all. We've had a long road, and it has not always been easy, but our chat today gave me great perspective on just how good of friends we've become. The fact that I could talk to you about that stuff, and you could give me input was really great. I'm so glad you're my friend, and that through all my own growing pains, you have still liked me and have ended up being my friend. Now that I am where I'm at, and most of the time I really do love myself - I see that you have always liked me for just who I am - even when I wasn't sure who that was. And you've tried to be the best friend you knew how to be, even when you didn't quite know how to do it. You have grown up so much since I've known you, and I really do think that you are becoming the great man that I thought you would someday. Telling me of your own accord that you were sorry for being such a shithead back then and explaining why showed me what kind of man you would become and are on your way to becoming. I am so so glad that you are in my life, and I am so glad you are my friend.

I love you
Dear brain,

Okay. You're starting to freak me out a bit now. The strange headaches were one thing. And then the dizziness. But the twitching in my left hand when I got really overwhelmed earlier .... was that you, brain? Is this stress getting so bad now that it's affecting my motor function? Because that is a BAD bad thing considering my family's medical history. We're known for having brains that don't work quite as well as they should. At 32, I think I'm a bit young for a mini-stroke. So please just straighten yourself out, okay?

Listen, brain. I'm going through a very stressful time. I've got fuckwad mortgage loan officers driving me insane. And now I have to deal with that problem with the furnace. And of course, I have to pack and all the other 10 billion things people have to do when they move. On top of this, the mother-in-law is supposed to be here in a month and we still have to figure out our travel plans for Mom & Dad's anniversary shin-dig at the end of June. It's a stressful time and I know you take the worst of it, brain. I know that you are suffering worse than any other organ in my body right now. But just hold on. Just 2 more weeks. Just 2 more weeks and we should close on the house & it'll all be easy from there on out.

Mortgage Guy,

You and your employees are really freaking me out. I've had to tell a total of 3 people in your company that, no, we actually have NOT officially chosen you for our loan. Why do they all sound so surprised when I say this? It's really fucking disturbing me. And frankly, it's starting to piss me off. I may decide to go with another company that charges more simply so that I am not rewarding the behavior of you and your co-workers. It's bad enough that I had to ask for corrections on our preliminary paperwork TWICE. Now I'm getting these calls and e-mails ... even a lawyer calling to set up our closing time. Um, our realtor has already taken care of that, fucker. That isn't your job. And even if our realtor hadn't set up a closing for us already it still wouldn't be your job because WE HAVEN'T SIGNED ANYTHING SAYING THAT YOU ARE OUR MORTGAGE OFFICER!!!! We got a good faith estimate off of you. That is it. That is all. You aren't the only person who has given us a good faith estimate, yet you're the only one putting your paws all over us as if you already own us or something. So back the fuck off already.
Now my head hurts worse. AGAIN. Maybe I should send you the bill for the MRI. Got an extra 5 thousand dollars sitting around? You certain;y won't if you keep pissing me off.

(((roseviolet))) you really need to go and find yourself a new neurologist NOW, okay? Your health comes first.
((rose)) Please see a doctor honey! And don't be afraid to give the mortgage people what-fer! They're inherently slimey- ours was the wife of my BGP's cousin- seemed like a nice person, until a few months after we bought our house and we found out she was cheating on the cousin. Not that it has anything to do with the house, but it just creeped us out.
RV, please see a doctor. My mother had a series of small strokes when she was in her 40's! Granted it was because of her migraines (this type of stroke is common in migraine sufferers...but still) please honey!

Dear T,

Fuck off. You fucked up.


Dear L,

Fuck.Shit.Damn. Saturday night was amazing!

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