Apr 8 2007, 05:29 PM
i am writing this to let go. when you told me that i needed to focus on my spirituality over my sexuality without actually talking with me, that hurt. actually it pissed me off. for me sex and spirit are intertwined. they go hand in hand but i have spent most of my life working on the spirit. i want to have sex in the future so now i am working on that area of my life. i am working on the pain, fear and confusion that i have held for over 11 years. too bad you won't get to see me blossom.
you don't get to give me advice and then just leave. i can see it now, you can't handle me having real feelings. unless they are the "spiritually correct" feelings, you can't handle them. i will no longer censor my feelings to make you comfortable. as a matter of fact, i won't censor them from myself. they are real to me and that's all that matters.
frankly, if this is how you plan on running your "ministry", good luck. guilt and shame are always good in that realm. as for me, i will work with those who want me to grow and can provide that gentle, yet firm push that i need. you don't do that for me.
11 years ago, i "lost" my "virginity" with you. you sucked ass! i didn't know it at the time, but you were only interested in my virginity. you didn't give a flying rat's ass about me at all. (the fact that you didn't even kiss me or really pay attention to me should have been the clue. ) the worst part of it all is that i have been carrying this with me for the last 11 years. i have kept myself from being vulnerable and truly available to men because i have been afraid that they would be like you. well no more. i have pretty much forgiven myself and you for everything that went down that night. the thing is that now i am really ready to let go.
from what you have read, sex is pleasurable. that's something to remember. also communication is key. it's okay to say that you are scared and that you are worried about pleasing your partner. a worthy partner will understand that and will help allay your fears. if not, don't get naked with that person. they are not worth it.
also, you don't have to have sex like everyone else. you are your own person and that's all that matters. do things in your own way as a way of honoring yourself. you deserve it.
p.s. contacting the l.b. is okay. nothing has to come from it, it's all about being courageous and letting someone know how you feel. if nothing happens, know that there will a guy out there who feels that you are nifty too.
Apr 9 2007, 11:36 AM
I need you to make time for me. I get that you are busy, and that you have your friends and family, but if this is how things are going to be, I will walk. I want a companion in the man that I am dating. Not a phone relationship. I let another man walk me to my car, and he kissed me goodnight. I didn't stop him. I want human touch, I want YOUR touch. You should know that I am no longer going to make an effort to see you. I used to, but I am backing away, and you will see that I am not always going to be here. I need to know how you feel. I WAS falling in love with you, but your lack emotions are making me back away. For this I am sorry. I don't thin that you were the person you originally made yourself out to be.
Can I not say anything to you without you getting a bug in your butt? Chill out. You are the one making things tense around here. Chill the fuck out.
Apr 9 2007, 11:37 AM
Forget about going back to school. Your family will not give you the support you need. Just forget about it. It's unrealistic and stupid. I know it hurts right now, but you'll get over it. Why can't you just make attainable goals instead of dreaming about things that will never be. There's no way you can afford to go back to school unless you work full time. And there's no way you can work full time and go back to school. End of story. Now put your big girl pants on and get over it. Don't be bitter. It's your fault your life is this way. If you would have gone straight to college like your sisters, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. Now you've fucked up and it's too late. Just try really really hard to forget about school. And I'm giving you permission to blow up at home. Ever since you moved back in with your parents after leaving L, they've been pushing you. Mom tells you to go back to school everyday. And when you finally tell her that you want to, she discourages you. Therefore I think you have every right to blow up! Just don't do anything stupid like take off and never come back. You have no where else to go right now. You have no one but yourself. So don't piss them off enough to kick you out. Because then you'll be really fucked. Just chill out and quit thinking you're going to have a nervous breakdown. the mind is a powerful thing and you may push yourself into a breakdown which could have maybe been avoided with a few deep breaths and a couple moments of quiet meditation. Just relax. You can't do anything about it right now. Just keep pretending everything is ok. I take back my earlier comment about blowing up. Play it cool. Nothing good can come from showing them your emotions. They don't care and that will hurt even more. One day at a time.....
Apr 9 2007, 01:57 PM
What about part time evening classes? That's what I'm doing in September. I have a degree, but I will not be a poor struggling student again! Anything is attainable and achievable if you put your mind to it. Never let someone dictate what you can or cannot do!
Apr 9 2007, 02:45 PM
Dear Awesome Man:
I am sorry for drunk dialing you, but thank you for putting up with it. I won't do it again; i've "lost" your number/deleted it from my phone. But I still want to be friends with you, so I hope you call. Actually, that's not true- I want you to move in with me and be creative all the time. That would be fantastic, but it's not plausible, and that's why I need to not call you anymore.
Apr 9 2007, 08:36 PM
I hate that i'm so angry/affected by your rejection. Is that what it was? Or are you going to ring up in the next half hour and apologize. I can't believe how low-bellied my pride has become.
So i'll keep concentrating on the work, not the boy.
The work, not the boy.
i) i want you
ii) you're a dumbass
iii) it's a symptom of a bunch of stuff
iv) you reeeeaaally need to get over yoursalf. and put your shirt back on.
Apr 9 2007, 10:52 PM
you're a moron. i offer you no-strings-attached sex (in which you heartily indulged) as well as some laid back friendship, and you fucked it up. royally. ignoring me, uttering one syllable answers and leaving the room when i enter is not a "friends with benefits" situation. you know, prostitutes can do what i do for you, if you're into ZERO conversation and they're probably a hell of a lot cheaper - you don't have to take them out to dinner and drink yourself silly just to make it through the torturous experience of spending quality "friend" time with me. you know my recent situation and i gotta tell ya, this fucking hurts. i've deleted you off my phone and - like an idiot - i just might answer if you call again. if i feel like it, i'll hang out because even still i want to get to know you...see what makes you tick. i've asked NOTHING from you...and i've received nothing in return. maybe that's my problem...maybe i need to start demanding respect.
Apr 10 2007, 08:32 AM
I have been thinking of going back part time. It's just frustrating because I'm an all or nothing kinda gal. But maybe if I start going this summer (part time) I can still have all my prereqs done by fall of '08 and can still get into the nursing program (I'm an LPN wanting to go back for RN). So if I do that, I'll have a year to figure out how I'm gonna go back full time, because when I'm actually in the program it has to be full time. Oh well, i'll figure it out. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I really appreciate it!
Why are all men so dense? Send me some flowers or something damnit!
Why are you making me the "ultimate mix CD"????????? What do you want from me? You know we can't be friends with 5 1/2 years of baggage behind us. I'm holding on too and it's unhealthy. We need to cut ties for sure.
Good luck at boot camp this summer. I know you don't want to go and it's just a way to better yourself and pay for school. Take care of yourself and know that all of your friends at home are thinking of you. We'll try not to have too much fun without you this summer.
See you in the fall,
Now that B is gone you are going to be a basket case. Please try really hard not to call me in the middle of the night. I love you , but I have to wake up early. I'll help you as much as I can, but you have to do some things for yourself. Like get a job and be productive and find a way to occupy some of your time. Sitting on your couch all day is not healthy.
Apr 10 2007, 10:26 PM
dear universe -
i need to whine a bit. i love c dearly and am soooo glad we're getting to spend this time together. but there are two cruel jokes being played here: one, he and i cannot act on our unresolved sexual tension cause he's on this celibacy kick and you know what? THAT'S VERY LAME, UNIVERSE. and two, why is it happening right before we graduate, and i probably move far away (or at least a bit away)? why couldn't i have had the balls two years ago to push it farther, to cement things back then? gah! this is a real kick-in-the-balls way to teach me the lesson to be bolder, there, buddy. and i can't figure out the power dynamic (for lack of a better word). is this situation fair for both of us? are we getting our needs met (to the extent that it's possible)? and i know, karmically, i simply can't continue to ditch my life when c offers to whisk me away for a day or a weekend, even though it's nice. i can't keep dropping the marbles of my life, at least not in the final month of my senior year of college - i know better than that. but honestly, i've been a student my whole life and i just.don't.care. i'm checked out. i would MUCH rather spend time with c, teasing him, letting him cook for me, running errands, watching movies together, cuddling. doesn't ALL of that seem more productive than writing another goddamn masturbatory paper about nothing? i'm DONE.
- the plainskinned one
ps if tomorrow's job interview could work out? pretty please? i helped c with his and it went beautifully, so let's repay that karmic debt, all right? thanks!
Apr 11 2007, 03:19 PM
oh ((whitelightning)) i think we are talking about the same person
or, tragically not, because there is certainly no shortage of jerkfaces
Apr 11 2007, 06:25 PM
FUCK YOU! Of course I was fucking pissed off. I prepared it and you ate almost all of it, with hardly anything left for me. You expect me to cook for you and then eat motherfucking scraps. Screw you. Make your own fucking food. You idea of cooking is throwing fries in the oven, not my fault that I actually care about my health.
Apr 11 2007, 06:35 PM
dear tori amos,
i love you so much, you know this. but bitch you had better knock off the concept albums and the channeling of fictional characters. it's annoying, played out, and your last coupla albums sucked hardcore. and that's coming from someone who has you on a pedastal.
Apr 11 2007, 06:51 PM
Dear A -
please get over here quick so you can fuck me. hard.
Dear bastard ass, shitty fucking beauracracy -
fuck you and the fact that you suck and are keeping me from getting a great fucking.
can you please get your shit together and do something about this? quick?
Apr 11 2007, 07:34 PM
Four pugs is too many. Help mom get better soon so she can take her two dogs back to her own house. I mean, I don't mind, but Mr. Pug is going to have pug chops for dinner tomorrow night if he doesn't get a good night sleep. All the snorting is just too much.
Good (hopefully) night,
Apr 11 2007, 09:45 PM
Dear bitch woman,
Do I LOOK like I have ten arms? Did you SEE any other people back there? Did you SEE how I was running back and forth nonstop? You can't just bring in like 15 pictures 30 minutes before closing time and expect me to just drop everything so that I can make enlarge them to your perfection. Especially not when that machine is being used by someone else. And then to go call the manager 5 minutes before closing to bitch about how I helped everyone else in the line and not you? UGH, you bitch (not that the manager cared, as, obviously, your order required more than 30 minutes). MAYbe those other people were picking up their orders. MAYbe they had things that could be done in less than 2 minutes. MAYbe you should fucking listen to me when I said I could have your shit ready for you first thing in the morning, just not tonight. Or MAYbe you could just shut the fuck up and go on your merry way since you did the enlargements all by yourself on the machine anyway. And how long did it take you, uninterrupted by 20 people bothering you every 10 seconds asking how to use a copy machine or get a new card, even though the only new skill it takes to get a new card is to go to the kiosk I'm pointing at and touch the box that says "get new card"? Yup, it took you a whole 30 minutes without running around and dealing with bitchy people like you. That shit wouldn't have gotten done on time...just like I told you.
GODDAMN, people are stupid. I'm too old for this shit.
Apr 12 2007, 06:59 AM
thank you for restoring order to things.
thank you for not making it a terrible reunion and instead a sweet and loving one and most esp thank you for the mr not wanting to call his 'rents yet, that he is putting me/our girlchild/OUR Life first.
they don't know he's back yet and I am still very very glad.
Apr 12 2007, 12:41 PM
Dear Public Restroom,
I Hate You! You're always so quiet, and only three stalls. No privacy. I swear sometimes i sit there for like 3 minutes before I can pee, because I'm so bladder shy. I'm so annoyed with you right now. I can't wait to get home and use my PRIVATE bathroom. I wish I never had to use you again. I'm gonna try really hard to stay away from you the rest of the day. You make me sick. Oh yeah. And what's the point of having to use a key to get into you if everybody on this floor has a fucking key?!?!?! I'm so irritated right now. PISS OFF, literally.
Apr 12 2007, 01:18 PM
Fark, can we maybe get together soon? Just for fun? Wouldn't it be fun to actually see each other? Why do I try? Ehhhhhh, foget it.
Apr 12 2007, 02:26 PM
dear nice lawyer lady -
please get this done. I will love you til the end of time when you pull it off.
I know you will.
Apr 14 2007, 11:24 PM
dear you -
did I say too much? I dont' really care, although I did lay myself out on the line more than was strictly comfortable. That was a strange conversation - not bad, but strange. Granted, you were a bit on the drunk side, but were we just talking around the subject of what we're doing? I'm not certain.
Well, in case we were, I'm just going to come out and say it for the record: I'm ready to define this. I want you to be my boyfriend, and I know we can make this work. I know we can. I know we will. I have been around long enough and done enough work on myself to know when a good thing comes along - and to not think too hard about it but just follow my intuition and go for it. We fucking rule together, on every kind of level so far. At least that's what I think. I don't want to see anyone else, I don't want to sleep with anyone else, I want to make it clear that I want to focus on getting to know you better. Exclusively. And if things work out well, I want to move forward from there with you. I think they will.
Apr 15 2007, 05:44 PM
Thanks for being such a sweetheart!
Apr 16 2007, 09:53 AM
Dear C -
why are you such a fucking asshole? I'm just trying to be a team player here and help you out, not trying to jump into your job. Besides, I'm fucking higher up on the food chain in this project than you are. I didn't even have to even offer. On most projects like this, someone in my position would be telling you what to do, but like I said, I'm a team player. I don't roll that way. Do you have a problem with a woman being in my position, or are you just a FUCKING ASSHOLE? I'm guessing it's a little bit of both, since you don't seem to have a problem being mister mack daddy to anyone (female, of course) who is a subordinate to you. I think you're slimy and I have very little respect for you other than the fact that you are stellar at your job. I swear it's all I can do not to shoot back biting replies to your smug, asshole emails, but I will take the high road. But while I'm doing that, you can fuck right off.
Apr 16 2007, 11:45 AM
Awww thanks honey! I'm here for you.
Motherfucker you missed out. I gave you the chance and you missed. The ship has SAILED! I've taken on a lover, and that's entirely your fault. If this is your idea of dating that is pretty fucked up. I'm not calling. I'm sure I'll see you around, I won't be a bitch, but I certainly ain't going to be what I was.
CH, the BESTEST!
Apr 16 2007, 05:57 PM
dear you -
I'm really wondering if that conversation weirded you out. yesterday and today are the first days in weeks that I have not seen you online or we have not communicated, and it just seems weirdly coincidental that it's right after that conversation the other night. I hope you're just taking time to get your head around it - I wasn't trying to imply anything. You're the one that asked, and I didn't articulate very well. I think everything will be ok.... It has to be. Like I keep saying, you didn't fucking walk into my life for no reason. You're supposed to be here. Stay here. I'm quite sure you will. But throw me a line, wouldya?
Apr 17 2007, 07:42 AM
QUOTE(crazyoldcatlady @ Apr 11 2007, 08:52 PM)
dear tori amos, Oh yeah! There's no need for a Strange Little Girls Part Deux, you know?!
i love you so much, you know this. but bitch you had better knock off the concept albums and the channeling of fictional characters. it's annoying, played out, and your last coupla albums sucked hardcore. and that's coming from someone who has you on a pedastal.
Apr 17 2007, 08:36 AM
I haven't looked into the concept part of the album, but I heard one of the songs last night ( I think it was "Big Wheel" and I liked it.
I didn't mind the electronic stuff from Choirgirl; it was no Under the Pink, but it's this over-produced, layers and layers of vocals crap that I couldn't stand from the last couple of albums. She needs either just her and a piano, or her and a live band, but not this layered shit.
Apr 17 2007, 08:42 AM
It's too bad Steve Caton left the band or Tori fired him or whatever happened between the two of them that caused them to part ways... while I didn't like a lot of the production work on UtP (the remastered songs on Tales of a Librarian are sooooooo much better), some of that stuff just rocked live (especially "Waitress," which just took on a new life live...) and Caton had a big role in that (maybe too big of a role and that was the problem).
Choirgirl and TVaB I liked, SLG has its moments, but she switched labels and it hasn't been the same since. Not that I want the same old Tori or seven different versions of LE, but enough is enough with the bizarro lyrics and odd arrangements of her recent stuff ("Driving in my Saab on my way to Ireland"?! PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Ugh.)
Apr 17 2007, 02:33 PM
QUOTE(raisingirl @ Apr 17 2007, 09:59 AM)
Oh yeah! There's no need for a Strange Little Girls Part Deux, you know?!
I'm equally as concerned about this "concept" album. I also have reservations about the songs that have been released. However, maybe every Tori album has been a concept album. I mean granted this is obviously visual with the characters but consider her other albums. Her songs can be categorized by mood or mission. There are the sad letting go type songs - tear in your hand, cooling, cloud, sleeps with butterflies - then there are the more "angry" type - cornflake girl, raspberry swirl, hoochie woman - then there are sexual type songs - sweet the sting, icicle, lust - and of course these categories can be broken down more... My point is that there are differant parts to everyone's personalities and maybe the concept is just a way to convey that more literally.
Also it seems that she is taking on a more political stance - ie - pancake, mother revolution, and most of SLG. I think that there is something to be learned. We have loved her for so long - I say we trust her for now and be open to whatever she's got for us!
Apr 17 2007, 05:34 PM
Dear higher power,
give my brother the strength to stop bitching and being bitter,
get off his ass and do something about his situation. Another option is
that he'll begin to appreciate what he already has, which is actually quite a lot.
So he might not have a job right now, but he's got the looks & the brains, and
both his bands are doing pretty good. Plus, it's not like he's flat broke, even if he likes
to put it that way.
K thanx bye
Apr 18 2007, 10:44 AM
well, you called and i answered. and whaddya know, i'm not sorry i met up with you that night! and i had fun on saturday! but fuck, man...don't play these games. you mentioned the fact that i don't usually call you. so i called you 2 days after we hung out. i'm guessing you saw that it was me and didn't want to pick up - maybe you were with another honey? god, why do i even THINK about this?? what i'm trying to say is...if we're going to have this arrangement, cut me some slack, throw me a few bones, humor me, placate me, SOMETHING!! you know i'm fresh out of a long term relationship and that i'm trying to get used to being single again. if i'm calling too much, tell me. what the hell am i saying...you never tell me anything.
Apr 19 2007, 11:15 AM
I'm the best. You know it. I told you I set the standard. We'll have fun, I promise.
see what you missed out on. HA HA for you!
Apr 19 2007, 02:16 PM
some times i miss you.
but usually i don't. but i can't help being upset that you aren't paying any attention to me. that i know you're talking to other people on line, but not to me. i'm jealous that when you do talk to me you tell me you've been spending time talking to your housemates... the house mates i spent all year trying to get you to talk to.
it upsets me every time i see that another girl has friended you online. i know that they're all about 10 years younger that you and that you're more like aquaitances and that they are just superficial girls who want ultra-high "friend counts". but it still bothers me.
it bothers me that you now have a webpage full of pictures of yourself & things that you have made. i remember seeing you take the pictures of yourself that are now on your webpage. i remember how you took about 50-zillion pictures of yourself. and 2 of me (and made no attempt to make them flattering pictures). i was so surprised to see such a vein streak in you. and now to see you looking for complements on line suprises me even more. i never thought you were so needy for praise. additionally, i don't like that you are ploying people into praising you when you could never complement me or anything i've ever done.
you are whiney and immature, you act like a total jerk around your family, everyone thinks that you're younger that me and all of your neighbors think you treated me like crap. i wish you were capable of feeling shame so that i could stop feeling embarassed for you.
so, no. i'm not interested in "being friends" again or hanging out. and i know you don't have any other friends so i hope you enjoy "being alone" as much as you thought you would.
Apr 19 2007, 08:36 PM
Dear A -
I'm stressing but I keep reminding myself that I am a rocking person every bit worthy of love, and that there is every indication that you really like me. There is every reason for this to work out. However, I'm feeling really not so strong right now, and because of that, I'm kinda freaking out over your abscence of communication and your usual presence online. I know you're under a lot of stress, but it would be really great if you would contact me, just say something reassuring. Just something little like a "hi" or "what's up." Hell, even a drunk dial or text would be awesome. At least I'll know you're thinking of me. I'm beating myself up a bit about our last communication and I would like some reassurance. I think maybe the distance is getting big for you again. It's still not so big. I Promise. This will work. It will. Things always work out, and if you want something to work, you make it work. We can make it work.
Apr 19 2007, 10:52 PM
will you just finish your fucking thesis already?! just do it. you're 90% there.
dear job i just applied to,
please hire me. i need a "real," grown-up job. i would totally kick ass. and i need the money. my current job pays crap and the customers suck. and i believe in the cause. i live the cause. i would kick ass.
dear right foot,
please stop hurting and being all puffy. you act like i did something freaky, like hurt you during exercise. but i'm a sloth. i don't DO movements that would overexert me. so what gives?
dear jake gyllenhaal,
goddamn you look hot in this movie i'm watching. you look hot in all your movies. i love you.
Apr 21 2007, 09:41 AM
Well, now you've done it. After all this time, everything I have been feeding you has, aparently, been making me sick. So what do we do next?
Well, Dr. K. is putting me on the South Beach Diet. It is time for a carb and sugar detox. We are not going to enjoy this. Yesterday, when I saw that stack of Dove chocolates, I wanted nothing more than to tear into the whole bag with teeth and hands. But that won't make me happy. And it will make me sick.
The next two weeks are not going to be great. Apparently, I will have headaches, moodswings, and food cravings ans all the toxins in my body start to starve and beg for more. But we need to be strong and get through this together. After all, you told me years ago that you couldn't handle all of the sugar that I was pumping into you. When I didn't listen, you gave me chronic heartburn to really prove your point. I still didn't listen. However, 2 months of yeast infection, wich brings my total time infected since September, 2006 up to about 14 weeks, and I am learning. We will kck this.
Everyone keeps asking me how long I have be on this diet. Well, I can't go back to the way that I was eating, can I? No, I don't have to be as carb-starved as I will be for the next two weeks, but I just can't go back the SUGARSUGARSUGAR ways of my past. I'll just get sick again and I really want to be healthy.
And it might be time for us to part ways to some degree anyway. I don't like how big you have gotten. There, I said it. I am tired of having a big stomach that has an actual roll. I am not saying that you have to go away completly. I like being a little soft and round far more than I like doing crunches and pilates. However, if I manage to fight yeast infections, sinus infections and at the same time make you smaller and less prominent, well I am going to go for it.
Another thing I keep hearing is that "Well, you'll loose weight." This makes me so conflicted. I am a feminist. I should love my body. And I really don't want to become one of thoes women who always says no to birthday cake or never has bread. But doing this eating plan will cause me to loose weight. And maybe that isn't a bad thing. I am not stupid. Even if I was a size 8 I know that body love comes from the inside, despite what every commercial says. But I don't know what to say when everyone says "You'll loose weight." Are they saying that I should?
I do feel compelled to make one apology. I bought South Beach microwave meals yesterday. In doing so, I know I supported the muti-million dollar diet industry that exists soley to tell women how they should look. But what other choice did I have? I don't like to cook.
We are going to get through this. Somehow. It's you and me stomach. I just hope you learn to like vegtables more. Can we talk to the taste buds about that?
Apr 21 2007, 10:54 AM
Well Ch, now you've gone and done it. Look at how you really feel. Are you really ready for this? I know you don't know what you really want. I think it is some time for self discovery and deep thinking. You need to get some sleep, and then from there you need to start taking care of yourself again. You are neglecting yourself and your well being. You just had another small anxiety attack about 20 minutes ago. You only get there when you are so stressed. you don't have your shit together as much as everyone thinks. You need some you time. Take the dog for a walk today, then relax, clean, do whatever you do or don't want to do. Make this a day for you. Get to know you again.
Apr 21 2007, 02:41 PM
Dear A -
I'm really confused. I don't get this. Why have you dropped off the map? If there is something to talk about, if there is something that weirded you out or made you think twice, or if you're just backing off, please just talk to me about it. If you're just stressed and need to back off for awhile, or need me to back off, just let me know. But I don't know why you just dropped off and went MIA.
Dear Universe -
I'm fucking pissed off. Why the hell have you let all this happen? I'm trying - I've been trying - to be positive, but I'm so fucking pissed right now. Are you fucking happy now? Fuck you. I know they say the darkest hour is just before the dawn, but why the hell did the whole situaton have to get this dark? It just doesn't fucking make sense.
really fucking upset,
Apr 22 2007, 12:01 AM
hey fucker, what's with the silent treatment? did i call or text too much yesterday (cause you did just as much you know)? did your buddies give you shit when i called while you were out with them or something? cause i thought we had something and you were right there with me, but maybe i was wrong. look dude, if you're just not that into me, or even if you're one those dicks whose interest in a girl doesn't extend beyond find her fuck her forget her, at least tell me. i mean it's not like i'm going to cry or beat you up or something. i'm a big girl, i can handle it. what i can't handle is someone telling me i'm awesome and fun to just hang out and talk with, free access to the poontang notwithstanding, and then not wanting to hang out and talk with me, in the space of like, ten hours. i'm not asking for a declaration of troo lurve here or anything, just the chance to see if there's potential for it, or if not, the green light to focus my attentions on some other person who will appreciate and reciprocate them. you've got my number, use it!
Apr 22 2007, 03:47 PM
Dear A -
Apr 22 2007, 07:52 PM
((kittenb)) have i ever told you how much you rock my feminist socks? a lot, lady.
dear artist -
i'm alternately quite worried about you, and pissed off.
(because the Ex just came back, because it's the end of things, because you just had a second interview and because i have one coming up, because right now i feel like i was just a substitute til She got back and now she's here you don't need me anymore. not cool.)
dear m -
please call. i know it's showtime and that always eats you and i have no right to complain, but i'm complaining anyway. i don't like feeling like i'm the One Who Needs You, because i know both of us need to feel more needed in relationships. you're a nurturer, damnit, come nurture me! it's all you've ever wanted to do.
plus, i need you more now than i have in years.
dear me -
okay, maybe now is not the time to bring it up. right now you need to be lavished in love and held in an imaginary pool of light so that you can get your shit done, find a job, and create some kind of life for yourself. but, um, has it occurred to you that maybe living off of empty carbs and sugar is not the best foundation for creating your most kick-ass self? like maybe, just maybe, eating frosting (!!effing frosting?!) and m&ms and pasta and chinese takeout and drinking naught but cocacola might, just might, be having a detrimental effect on your mood and attitude and waistline? hmm? take some lessons from the artist (and, ooh, everyone else you know) and try being a little more epicurean in your tastes, there, darlin, and maybe things would start looking up, eh? just a thought. if that doesn't work you can always go back to crap tomorrow. that's the comforting thing about change - you can (almost) always go back to the crap you had before. like this current silence between you and artist - well, silence was what you had before, no? and you survived that, didn't you? stop looking at your cell phone every 3.8 seconds - you spent the better part of last year living without one! deal! yes, i know it hurts. but remember what you said to your sister last week: cookie dough is not the same as self-actualization. you were right.
ps congratulations on everything you've achieved! how much better will you feel when this is all over?
and pps, belated congratulations on restoring your sense of taste! maybe you deserved that little month-long binge, there, after not being able to smell for so long. so start tasting good shit, not all this bland cardboard crap you've been eating, okay? time to wake up that palate, girlie!
Apr 22 2007, 08:43 PM
i think you're a cool person and i like hanging out with you. but if we're going to have that friendship and have sex, i'm going to need a little more intimacy. this. is. not. working. for. me. i really, really wish it were. but it's not. i shouldn't be crying every day after we have sex, simply because you won't give me a courtesy call or reciprocate my kiss WHILE YOU'RE LYING THERE IN MY BED. not fucking cool. furthermore, i realize that playstation is quite the siren's call for some boys, but who the hell knew that was more fun than having me sit on your face?? i seductively invited you back to my house last night and you finally showed up at 4 am, after you were done with your little video game. uh...what? and - like a moron - i let you into my bed, where i proceeded to tempt you with my luscious ass rubbing up against you, nibbling at your arms and moaning softly. ...only to have you lie there like a beached whale. why? because after doing shitloads of blow for 14 straight hours (at a party to which i was NOT invited, no thank you very much) you passed out, woke up hours later (still haven't called me at this point) and drank, drank, drank then ignored me at the neighbor's house and took some vicodin and headed on over to good ol' whitelightnin's house. mmmm sexy.
i don't want to be anyone's girlfriend right now and i don't think i've asked ANYTHING of you. there are hundreds of guys that would KILL to have the arrangement you have with me...i offered you the TREASURE of my friendship and my body and you are blatantly disrespecting both. i'm good for conversation and i can be an absolute minx in the sack - too bad you're never sober enough to see how good either of those things feel. i'm still your friend, dude. and who knows...maybe in the future, we can start up our little fire again and you can tease, kiss, suck and bite me all you want. you're hot and you're smart. but you're too disconnected. and it's at the point where it's hurting me. so i'm gonna finish this before it starts.
jumpin' jesus on a pogo stick, are we seeing the same guy????
Apr 23 2007, 10:35 AM
Just when I had that thought of the future with our baby, possibly for the next 12 years to come, growing up with our children...apparently putting that thought out into the universe came back and took that pleasure and hope away from me. Not sure why things work out the way they do. Not sure why a 9 month young pup could possibly deserve his fate. I guess that IS the thing, now isn't it? We don't deserve anything. And nothing is totally ever fair. Good, Bad, whatever...looking at it as something we do or do not deserve just isn't the way to go about it.
So I'm all cried out for the moment. But everytime I look at that face, as he cranes his neck to listen to the birds chirping with life and the bees that are now buzzing around...I start to tear up and think about the fate of which he knows nothing.
All I ask is that you give him a few more years with us - fun-loving, happy, jumping around years...not the kind where his medicine will be his constitution on life.
Looking forward to some good news,
Apr 23 2007, 06:22 PM
Could you not do that, please? Seriously, after having not seen you for 6 months you utter the perfect 4 words and I'm ass over teakettle in lust again. Mixed feelings are not fun; stopit!
Apr 23 2007, 07:01 PM
Dear A -
what could possibly be so bad or make you feel so weird that you can't talk to me about it or at least touch base? What could possibly be so wrong that you just cease all communication out of nowhere and don't return my call? We talk about everything. Try me.
We are both in our 30's, there is no reason for you to just drop off the face of the earth. You're not 15.
this is confusing as fuck.
it will all be ok. please call me.
Apr 24 2007, 06:57 AM
What the fuck is going on? This is getting highly irritating!
Apr 24 2007, 10:06 AM
Dear B., I wish I could understand why you are being weird. Am I being weird? Is it just because we are on a big trip together, and you're freaking out or is it me freaking out? I can't figure things out. What you said the other day seemed to make sense, but I don't think it is the full story. Can you just give me a little more of what I need, and I will try to give you more of what you need, too. dayglow
Dear whomever, Why am I in love with a boy who is so hard to love? Why do I have such a hard time differentiating my own issues from what is really there? This certainly is a work in progress, and I guess I am learning from it, but it's hard, too. dayglow
Apr 25 2007, 06:50 PM
I really, really fucking hate you. I can't even begin to express how much because my hatred for you runs so deep within me that it's pretty much impossible to bring to the surface.
For years I worshiped the ground you walked on. I looked up to you. Even when you were being a complete and utter asshole I gave you the benefit of the doubt. When I moved back here I thought it would be that way again but not so. Someone close to both of us told me why they think that you do not like me and I believe the reason provided is a huge crock of shit. I can't help the situation I'm in; it was decided for me long ago (almost 20 years now!) and I think it's really shitty of you to punish me for something I didn't even start.
I watch you constantly. Daily I ask myself how I could have thought you were some kind of God. You're nothing. You're nothing but a lazy, unmotivated slob with a gorgeous face. Appearances can be deceiving; I definitely understand that statement now. Many metaphors work in your case. I can't believe I couldn't see it before.
Get a fucking job. Stop mooching off everyone you know; I hope eventually you wear out your welcome. Your looks can only get you so far and soon they will fade. You're almost 30 for crying out loud! Grow and up get out of my life.
Apr 25 2007, 10:21 PM
we could be really good together. you should realize that. like, now.
Apr 25 2007, 11:08 PM
dear roommate -
stop fucking EATING SO FUCKING LOUD!! you do NOT need to slurp, smack your lips, and chew the ice in your drink. it's so loud I can hear you all the way down the hallway. It's nasty and I'm about ready to come in and wring your neck because it's like nails on a chalkboard to me. Next time you decide to buy like a gallon of seaweed salad, please take it somewhere else. Like a Japanese noodle house where they don't give a shit if you eat like that.
ps - I do love you, but you have some fucking annoying habits.
Apr 26 2007, 02:48 PM
dear universe, god, whatever -
I'm going to jump off the deep end here. please give me a shot. I know it will be ok.