Mar 25 2007, 11:02 AM
dear you know who you are-
please for the love of god start using spellcheck before you hit the submit button. your posts are driving me crazy. and i'm sure you have some really intelligent things to say, but reading them makes my eyes hurt.
Mar 25 2007, 08:26 PM
Mar 25 2007, 09:35 PM
dear powers that be -
approve it tomorrow. I swear to god, I will singlehandedly create an international incident when I kick your ass if you lag on this.
dear universe -
everything you've brought into my life has been amazing. I'm so grateful. I know this will all be ok. it's gonna work out.
Mar 26 2007, 05:24 AM
I am really just tired of always coming last. No wonder I am fucking depressed. When even you sometimes make me feel that I am second rate. It is like there is the side of you that everybody else gets & then there is the side that I get. And it isn't fair. I want the side of you that everybody else gets. I should get that side first! But you think I don't "get you"...please...as if you are deeper than me. We are supposed to be on the same level but instead suddenly I don't "get you"? Where the fuck did this come from?
I want to be more than I am...including to you! Instead we rarely spend time together anymore. And it doesn't even bother you any. You are perfectly content in your little world of randomness and me, I am just here catering to your every whim and it doesn't even get a fucking thank you.
Mar 26 2007, 07:20 PM
Could you make happen what I want to happen? Regarding D. Please?
You are getting toned, it's rather sexy! Keep it up!
Could you please haul ass on getting me my refund?
Mar 26 2007, 07:21 PM
Truth: I get as much out of school and life as I put in
Truth: The world does not revolve around me
Truth: There is nothing to be afraid of but fear itself
Truth: The effort in staying healthy is worth it
Truth: Other people's safety is just as important as my own
Truth: Addictions are extremely difficult to break
Truth: Energy is contagious
Truth: What goes around comes around
Truth: It pays to be reliable and responsible
Truth: It pays to be honest and of integrity
Truth: Feeling sorry for myself never gets me anywhere
Truth: My problems cannot be blamed on anyone or anything
Truth: It pays to put myself out there
Truth: Being a beginner is nothing to be afraid of
Truth: Nothing can be mastered without time and effort
Truth: My power and intelligence are not to be feared
Truth: Professionalism is putting my work to the highest standards
Truth: Procrastination is nothing to be proud of and is never a good thing
Truth: It pays to make the extra effort, no matter how small the situation
Truth: Many things that matter now do not matter in the long run
Truth: I cannot solve everyone else's problems
Truth: It pays to communicate
Truth: It pays to make contact
Truth: Every person on earth is mentally, physically, emotionally and spirtually unique
Truth: If I ignore my rights, they will go away
Truth: Be thankful for what you've got, (but do not settle for less than contentment)
Truth: Change does not happen easily but it is not to be fought
Mar 27 2007, 12:13 PM
thank you for that!
Mar 27 2007, 01:15 PM
dear you at that stupid office -
mother fucker. what the fuck? I am seriously singlehandedly going to come kick your ass. You have done jack shit for this whole thing, and now you weigh in with your fucking opinion that the paperwork should be changed? You fucking asshole. The least you could do is fucking be some help.
ok. vent done.
dear you -
please don't be afraid to do whatever it takes to get this done. I know you don't want to, but I know it will be fine. Nothing bad wil come of it. I know it. promise.
dear universe -
i know everything will be alright. I'm trying to remember that my timeline is not always the timeline for the way things will unravel. make this so, though.
Mar 27 2007, 11:42 PM
stop being a tool.
take your pills.
be nice to your friends and don't be so bitter.
ignore the assholes in your life because they don't matter.
stop thinking that this s thing matters! It doesn't! STOPPPPITTT.
whether he likes you or thinks you're uncool or lame or whatever doesn't matter because those things are just his stupid, lame opinions and THERE IS THIS BOY WHO LOVES YOU TO DEATH you keep accidentally on purpose forgetting about. And you like him a lot too, you just like what you can't have a lot better right now. That, my friend is called ovulation!
And bad energy.
Take away bad energy and put back good energy. This living for an idea stuff has failed, and will always fail. Youare not who you are when you are thinking of him.
So remember that the next time you just want to collapse in self-pity and daydream about nothing instead of making things externally.
dear love gods and art gods (the same folks basically) of wonderland and emotion,
I'll try this week, like seriously, k?
Mar 28 2007, 11:49 AM
Dear Lila Kay,
I love you I always have. You and uncle Jerry were really the first to welcome hubby to the family. didn't even bat and eye. Thank you. You have always been the most right on Auntie ever. I want you to keep fighting the cancer. I hope we can be as good to little Fi as you have been to us.
Mar 28 2007, 11:52 AM
you are such an ass-hat.
Sometimes you make me laugh, sometimes you make me cry,
but mostly you just make me want to kick you in the chin.
You're so fucking dumb that the clocks stop ticking.
I feel so very, very sorry for your next client, and I will do my best
to disencourage everyone I know to ever go to your clinic.
Mar 28 2007, 11:53 AM
dear office of the powers that be -
he's a good man. come on, please help him and push this through.
ps - you will also make me just about the happiest woman on this earth when you do.
Mar 28 2007, 07:43 PM
dear neither out out,
please either write, or get out of my brain...
also, what was your ex-girlfriend's last name? cos i think i work with her now. wouldn't that be crazy?
anyway, i passed through the dismissal phase and am ready to give you another chance. unless, of course, it's just that time of year and you no longer care.
Mar 29 2007, 03:34 PM
dear universe/sales goddess,
thank you! i was driving to the bank to deposit my dismal check, sunroof open, completely oblivious to the fact that i was listening to sports talk radio, just sending all my positive energy out the roof and up to you. i even envisioned the screen showing my sale! thank you so much for coming through for me. i really needed that. you have no idea.
you ARE the fucking rockstar sales goddess. you know what you're doing and you're doing it will. just like ll cool j. keep going. ride this high and don't stop now. it's only going to get better.
Mar 29 2007, 04:43 PM
Something I wrote to myself today.
I must remember that his experience was more important to him than anything which might happen to me.
I must remember he was always quite clear about that, and never once even hid it.
I must remember that to contact him broke his unusual rules. To refuse and withhold access is not acceptable. It is not healthy. It is not normal.
It is not okay.
Remember that ill will supercedes _all_ love and positive regard. Remember that he will stick with the action taken in anger, no matter the consequences. Remember that he cares nothing for consequences to anyone but himself.
Remember this was never going to be easy.
Remember being a nasty secret.
Remember that he treated me in ways no man ever has. Remember that the worst aspects of this went against the most deeply held principles.
Remember his anger. Remember his anger. Remember his distortion of others during his anger with them.
Remember his ability to cut off from *anyone*. Remember it. Be warned by it.
Remember his selfishness.
Remember his impassivity.
Remember his coldness.
Remember his refusal to succor.
Remember his diffidence.
Remember that he is pliable only in the ex's hands. Remember he destroyed her trying not to be.
Remember his cruelty. Remember this day. Remember and stiffen to it. Remember his anger, his anger. Remember his savagery.
Remember him with the respect you built for years. But forget none of the above. Forget nothing he has indulged.
Remember the only thing he never would indulge ... was my needs.
Remember his scorn that "us" was something I needed. That he was.
Remember his fear of dependency.
Remember the compartmentalizing.
Remember the bad. Love him if you must, but do not miss what he has done. Do not miss what he IS, never said he was not. Do not miss the selfishness.
Do not miss this last indignant righteousness.
Remember that when you need someone the most, you may not have this man. That when you are alone, he will leave you alone. Remember his cruelty to your need. Remember that if a thing were vital to me, it pales next to his outrage.
Remember that ... when you were in fear, he turned on you.
Remember his anger.
Remember the rest. But remember his anger. Remember it. And fear it.
Remember that he will hate you. That he does already.
Remember this will not change.
Remember that anger overrides any response to it. Remember that there is no forgiveness. Remember there must be no guilt. Remember that to be guiltless is most important.
Remember: he does not love you. He may never have; that much is not important now. He never will again. And "never", for him, is resolute and permanent.
He does not love me.
He does not love me.
He does not love me.
There is no turning back.
Remember the friendship, the man. But do not remember the lover.
Do not remember that life is a mess, and this will not fix it. That he trades agony for agony with this. Remember to keep silent.
Remember. There is no future now.
(None of what is said in this post indicates abuse, physical or emotional. It is about anger and rash reaction. I have never been hit by a man, and the man this is talking about is one of the finest I have ever known.
He is also weak, and unable to overcome himself. He is afraid. And beyond my reach at last. It is heartbreaking. But more because I fear for him than despair for myself. I love him very deeply. It's just, that doesn't work or help him. It never did in the first place.)
Mar 29 2007, 05:05 PM
y'all can group together looking across the street at my messy, unkempt yard w/ dismay-OR- you could possibly walk across the street and offer some assistance?
I know you all know the mr hasn't been home in awhile- duh bc his vehical hasn't been around and you see me sitting on the porch a little more than usual, looking wistful and lonley ('cause that's how I'm feelin' anyway) so why Not offer to help?
and let me let you in on a little secret? : I'd offer to Pay You for your efforts. possibly generously out of sheer gratitude.
truthfully the yard doesn't bother me. not at all. and after the last time, you know, the year long time w/in which I broke my toes and was walking w/ a CANE, and one of you thought maybe we had moved away based on the growth and neglect our yard bore witness to, but not a One of you could come over and check to see if we were even o k ?!
grrrr I'll grow my weeds as tall as banana tree's just to spite you!
the little neighbor boy is scheduled to come cut the grass tomorrow, but he is just a kid and I do not expect much. and if That's not good enough for you- MOVE !
wishing my weeds were indeed that..
mrs sanford ( & Son)-kravitz
and ps: the lavender I aim to purchase and plant out front is for MY Benefit, not the beautification of the yard. it's so I can harvest and dry it and make satchels and things, and to give my lovely Aphrodite ( cement head bust) a proper surrounding as is appropriate for the Goddess of Love.
Mar 29 2007, 07:20 PM
dear whoever -
goddammit. shit. read the paperwork tomorrow. please. and please view it with understanding and a helpful heart / mind. He really needs to move forward with this, and he needs your help to do it.
and I need to cultivate this relationship - in person - at an important time.
plus I really need to get laid.
I know that you are old and removed and probably don't remember any of this type of stuff, but it's really important to him and to me. For all sorts of reasons.
Just pick up that paperwork tomorrow and do the right thing.
Mar 30 2007, 12:25 PM
Dear Lavender Provenca ~
please, for the love of mercy, when I plant your this afternoon, thrive.
the man at the nursery was a bit.. well, disbelieving perhaps? I wish I could have conveyed to him how seriously I am taking this, bc you are so tiny & fledgling and I have such Huuuuuuge Aspirations for you, but very little skill to help you succeed.
and I promise to A) dig down deep enough ( I hope) to anchor you as is neccessary and B ) to sprinkle the weed killer/fertilizer once you are in place, and then to water you every so often too, as he said you didn't require much. I will also talk to you when I water you, as I do the rose stem/almost bush, and look how good it's doing?
Aphrodite will be there to watch over and encourage and love you every step as well so grow grow groooow!!
and sinse I got the heavy duty outdoor gloves, I will try not to be such a complete and total pansy about dirt and bugs and stuff either.
we can do this !
Mar 30 2007, 03:21 PM
ETA - I posted a letter but fuck it. too pissed to leave it up and have to look at it. just re-hashing more of the same, anyway. ugh.
Mar 30 2007, 07:06 PM
stop feeling so shitty. She was just another idiot, and if you should let every idiot get to you,
you'd never leave the house, because otherwise you can't prevent idiots from crossing your path.
Feeling: You feel so fucking sad and hopeless
Fact: Nope sister, you're not hopeless, your therapist on the other hand is a different matter..
Spend some more time in the sun, smell the flowers, take more time off. They will have to do without you.
Feeling: You can't do ANYTHING right.
Fact: Erhm, hello? Being a perfectionist doesn't allow you to bash yourself like that.
You can do plenty of things right, and you do so every day. A mistake or two is permitted and human.
Feeling: Work is boring and you have to proof-read a book you'd much rather translate.
Feeling: You're beginning to hate your job because the bosses are such fucking greedy, shitty assholes.
Fact: You could actually look for another job. You're really good at what you do.
Fact: Three papers have actually ASKED you to write for them, not the other way round. You're GOOD.
You have OPTIONS!
Feeling: Stress and panic
Fact: You could work a little less for a while. It would definitely be worth it.
Feeling: Sadness and worries concerning your relationship
Fact: It could turn out just fine, and why worry in advance?
Feeling: Certain friends don't make you feel any better, they make you uncomfortable and restless right now.
Fact: Then don't see them. You can spend your free time however you damn well please!
Ok, take my advice: Tomorrow you're having a picnic in the park with your best friend, and when it gets dark, you go home,
work for 3 hrs, and fill in next month's schedule. Don't fill it up entirely! Take a slow month! They can't force you to work more
than you sign up for. Then stick to that schedule and don't let them lure you into working overtime. You know from experience
it is NOT worth it, and you've already filled the goodwill basin for the next decade to come.
If D calls and wants to go out for drinks, don't say yes just to be nice. Think it over. Do you want to? Or would you rather stay at home?
You're not entirely well right now, your soul is a little raw from the constant flogging. Take your time to heal.
It's not up to anyone else how that should be done, it's up to YOU. You decide what you're up to and how much energy you have.
Now things don't look so bad anymore, do they? Thought so.
Mar 30 2007, 11:11 PM
I know I said we could totally still be friends after you decided you didn't want our relationship to be physical any more.
I figured I could change your mind; after all, you didn't seem too thrilled with the platonic idea either and seemed to endorse it out of the sense that it was the 'right thing to do'. This, in my books, translates into ‘hang around for a bit and see what happens’. I know - bad, bad idea.
But I'm finding myself taking boring, self-absorbed men out for beers because they happen to be the only people I know with similar crinkly brown eyes. And that's not healthy. I'll never admit this in person, but you factored big in the breakup with Z. I've never spent an evening with someone wishing they were someone else before this; I've always been careful to make sure I do exactly what I want (in the most straightforward, only-slightly-evil-way). Even if Z was being an ass, it wasn't fair for me to be sitting there next to him wishing he was you (uh, not that I want you to behave like an ass). See above comment about 'healthy' and 'not'. Sitting next to you on the couch without being wrapped up with you felt so alien; it was like going back to the house you grew up in and finding some other family had moved in. Like, you know things have changed but you didn't fully get how different it would be. And now I find I'm totally obsessing over every bit of dialogue and agonizing over actions and... well, it's just no fun. I feel like I can't be me around you because you don't really want me. Because this me completely adores you, even if you don't deserve it and thinks you're fantastic, even if you don't reciprocate.
I got into the whole poly craziness because I didn't want to make relationships into things that they aren't. I think some relationships end up being light and casual while others end up being... more intense. And I can't be light or casual about you - it was dishonest for me to try.
You know, it’s funny. I remember you saying that you felt you were being ‘greedy’ for wanting our relationship to be exclusive. I think now we’re even – I feel greedy for still wanting you. I'm not apologizing for this feeling but I'm not going continue making advances where you have to beat me off with a stick. Not that I'm not ever into that sort of thing, but it's getting kinda repeatitive.
At this point, I can offer an exchange of promises: I promise I will get in touch with you if I think I can be happy just being your friend. But, if something changes for you and you’d like for me more than a friend, please promise me you’ll let me know. I don’t want to feel like I’ve slammed a door shut here between us… more just stopped banging my head against a wall.
This is way more angst-filled than I intended; I’m, uh, actually drunk and incoherent right now?
So other than any random run-in at work during which appropriate topics are the weather and uh, the weather, I’d really rather not engage you directly. ‘Cause if you start it, I think you’re interested again and if I start it, you’ll think I’m normal again. And if this horribly long email proves anything, it’s that I’m not. Uh, normal that is.
Mar 31 2007, 04:55 PM
You are great. I'm so glad we are friends. I'll miss you when we go to grad school.
You are amazing. There is nothing I would change about you. Not one thing. You haven't been scared off yet. I now know that you will not do to me what he did to me. You are not the same. I am no longer worried about this. That baggage is history. I want to be with you always. I won't tell you that I'm falling in love with you. At least not yet. You are so kind, wonderful, and patient with me. You treat me like gold.
Why are so many people convinced we are going to get married? Like, everyone is making comments about this. SK keeps on making comments about this too. I want this. Don't fuck around with me about this! I have the same hunches that SK does!
Mar 31 2007, 06:04 PM
Hello Poet, I hope this finds you in a decent mood, and leaves you in the same.
I don’t know what your intentions are, but frankly, I’m feeling way too vulnerable with no commitment- you’re not my boyfriend, and I feel like a whore for it--- and it’s alright if you don’t think I’m for you, but the word you use is “antisocial.”
What does that mean? It seems to me, that it simply means you don’t want to socialize with me. Do you not want sex, do you not want to see me, do you want to take a gun to work? (Kidding) You know what, I feel like a whore and I don’t appreciate it. Maybe it’s my fault for sleeping with you right off the bat; do you do that all the time? Maybe I should have seen that coming.
And anyways, I’ve been justifying it to myself, “ok, see where this goes, etc, etc” but- I still feel sortof guilty/whore/uneasy, as I’ve told you before. While you apparently have no problem asking for what you want-- at least, sexually- which is great, but that needs to extend a bit farther- you are very articulate, but you are NOT being clear as far as what/how you think of me.
I like the person that I know you to be, and I’ve told you that. But you make me vulnerable- and I am not going to be that vulnerable, sexually/emotionally intimate- with someone who is maybe just keeping me around until you can finalize something better. You’re not ‘just a friend’- someone who I hang out with on a superficial level, which is, unfortunately, how my current friendships are. (the gothbar we met at) is not exactly a place of deep intellect. I haven’t quite figured out what you were doing there in the first place.
I’d like you to respond. Please be nice, whatever the case, and if I haven’t been kind in this, know that I think highly of you and don’t intend to be mean, I really just want some clarity and to make sure you’re not deliberately out to be a heartbreaker. Haha!
GlassK may be crazy, but she tries to be honest about it.
----end of letter---
I am ACTUALLY thinking of sending this, but thought twice about it- and you know if you think twice about something- well, don't. what do you think? Am I crazy?
Apr 1 2007, 11:22 AM
glassk - don't send it. Just let it... sit, for a while.
I was totally sure I was going to send mine until I waited. And, honestly, I felt better just having written it. Like, I've taking control of the situation.
Besides, you can always send it later.
Apr 1 2007, 07:14 PM
I hate you so much sometimes. I feel completely helpless and useless. I feel like I'm pouring everything I have into the kids and into trying to make things right, and I never will be able to make any kind of difference. I'm not idealistic and hopeful anymore; being there for three and a half years has made me jaded, but I still give a shit, and I still want to make things better. But it's just so goddamned hard, and there's no support, and I don't have anywhere to put all the feelings you bring up in me. When I have to work with incompetent people whom I can't count on, it makes the actual work and helping the kids at all feel insurmountable. I'm so incredibly sad about the abuse and trauma they've been through and the things they put us through in return. The world is a horrible place, and horrible things happen, and I see all the results of it. I don't want to know the things I know. I don't want to have to contain it all and keep going. Children should never have to deal with these things, and I don't even have the words to describe how awful it is that they do.
Apr 1 2007, 10:22 PM
dear USA -
you can take your homeland security and shove it up your fucking ass.
why don't you pick on people who actually might do something bad if they got in, not the honest, upright ones?
I fucking hate you.
dear universe -
I'm really trying hard to be patient and trust that all will be well. can you please make a miracle?
Apr 2 2007, 06:30 AM
You're starting to skate a bit close to the edge aren't you? I can understand why you're acting like this; anxiety from work, funding issues, family issues. Possibly the biggest, clearest motivator of all for the increasingly dodgy behaviour is the looming domesticity which awaits later in the year. I can see why the spectre of living with a child in a nuclear family unit is alarming you. It's certainly not what we signed up for, so your unease and ambivalence is warranted. But you need to deal with it head on rather than wanting to arrange an out via less direct means.
It's okay if you're confused and are questioning what exactly you want. These moments happen in most relationships. Try and process these feelings directly though, because acquiring a roving eye is not going to fix your problems. Instead you could get yourself in a mess.
You can get validation from your work and increasingly from friends. Isn't that awesome? If you don't feel that's enough, work harder, vent more, whatever it takes. But you need to stay honest with yourself. You're a different person than you used to be in this regard. You need to continue to be able to greet yourself in the mirror.
Be good to yourself, but don't forget to be good.
P.S. To my toxin-ridden body: green tea and broccoli all week, I promise!
Apr 2 2007, 07:25 AM
Can I please have some clarification? Things have changed overnight.
Apr 2 2007, 04:57 PM
dear zoya -
remember the letter you wrote a couple of months ago in this thread about it being that time of the month? Remember that. You always feel a little less than at this time every month - but remember, you are an amazing woman. One who is lovable and capable of loving. One who is comfortable in her own skin and is free to be exactly who she is. You've been shaken up a little, things aren't going as you thought they would. Wouldn't it be nice if you got everything you wanted? You will zoya. Everything will work out even better than you'd ever expect, it just takes time, and your flexibility to roll with the ride to get there.
It's funny, those two friends who've gotten back in touch with you recently were drawn to you because you are you, and you are continuing to attract amazing people into your life now. Don't expect that any of the people in your life are less than excellent, because that is what is coming into your life now. Trust it. Everything will be absolutely perfect. You will be exactly where you want to be with exactly what you want. Believe that zoya, it's true.
Apr 3 2007, 11:08 AM
I know what you say about me when I'm not around. I know. But I want to let you know that it's ok. I just wonder why you do it. Is it competition for patriarchal approval? We're two women in a huge family of brothers. Don't you know that we need to stick together? I wish I knew how to tell you this. I wish you weren't so close minded. One day you'll need me, and lucky for you I'll be there. I have cleansed myself of female self-hatred and will be here with open arms when you are ready to do the same.
Apr 3 2007, 12:21 PM
Apr 4 2007, 07:27 AM
dear A -
I have to see you. I have to. I can't wait for however long it may be I have to wait. I have to see you this weekend.
let's make it happen.
Apr 4 2007, 11:51 AM
I've thought about you a lot in the last few days. Unfortunately. I'm not sure what makes me think about you. M says she thinks it's because we were always happiest in the spring. Spent all winter being cooped up and depressed. I think she has a point. But I don't miss you. I've been grieving, but for myself. Not for what we had. What we had was shit. You were and are a spiteful hateful man. Five and a half years. That's a long time to live in the hell you created. People ask me why I spent so long with you; if I regret it. I tell everyone that I have no regrets. First of all I didn't know any better. We were so young. Such angry adolescents. We had that in common then. And I learned a lot from you. I learned that I'm a lot stronger than you ever gave me credit for. I've grown. I know a lot more. My advice to other people is built on the foundation of experience. I thank you for that. You tried to break me, and at times you did, but you never broke my spirit. While you were trying to weaken me, my soul was expanding. And I left you when it could be contained no longer. When I left I was the weakest and strongest I've ever been. I can't stop thinking of all the things you put me through. You were abusive. Did you know that? I would have rather had bruisees on my face than the deep emotional scars I still carry. How could you make me think I wasn't worth anything? How could you say the things you said and do the things you did? Why was it ok for you to tell me you loved me and then verbally beat me into the ground? I understand that people are a product of their environment. You're dad is a prick and your mom is a stupid, stupid woman for taking it. Why weren't you ever taught respect? You never respected me. You said you did. But calling me a CUNT in front of my friends is not respect. And that's just one measly example. Here's another question. Why did you ruin my birthday, and why did you buy that house? You knew I didn't want to live there. You knew I hated it. You bought it anyway. You wanted me in a literal prison as well as an emotional one. My dad kept asking me if I was happy. It broke my heart to lie to him. I lied to everyone, including myself. You never wanted to spend time with me. You said you hated my friends. You hated drinking and smoking. You hated being happy. Misery is your one true love. And they say misery loves company. In your case it was true. I was so depressed. i cut myself to relieve the pain you caused me. You caught me once and I was embarrassed. Not embarrassed that you caught me, but embarrassed that I had allowed you to bring down so far. Rock bottom. I was close you know? Close to ending my life because I couldn't handle the hopelessness you instilled in me. Nothing was ever right, ever good enough. I was inept in all aspects of life. Something in the depths of me told me this wasn't true. I was once a passionate person. You killed my passion for life, and love, and laughter, and all things creative. You hollowed me out and that's the way you liked it. You belittled me. You tore me apart. I allowed it. But i survived and I'm stronger for it. You didn't harden me. If anything you made me even more compassionate, empathetic, kind. I will never treat anyone the way you treated me. You taught me how to be tough and kind at the same time. You don't have any idea the rage I feel. You never will. I will always be kind to you. I will never do to you what you did to me. Why? Because what goes around comes around, and you'll get yours one day. Just not from me. I'm happy now and wish no ill will upon you. I hope you see the error of your ways one day. I hope you can come to be the man I wanted you to be. I hope the next time around you can show her all the lvoe and respect that you never showed me. I hope you grow and love. I hope you dig yourself out of your misery and thrive. But don't get me wrong. You made a mistake when you let me go, decided I wasn't worht fighting for. You'll pay for that mistake the rest of your life. You will never, and I mean never ever find someone like me. Every woman you have from now on will be below the precedent I set. And do you want to know how I know this? It's because you were wrong about me. I am strong, and loving, and wise, and beautiful, and kind, and smart, and funny, and passionate. You were wrong and now it's too late. Now I am free to do as I please. And the funniest thing is I feel totally different. I'm not depressed. I'm HAPPY! I've never felt like this before. And now I can share myself with people that truly love and cherish me. Leaving you was the hardest/best decision I ever made. I just pray that every woman in an abusive reltionship can find the courage to do what I did. And never feel regret. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I have the strength of an army and I promise that you will never penetrate this fortress again. The chapter you held in the book of my life is closed forever. But thank you for all that you taught me for I can share that knowledge with other women. People are seasonal, and the long cold winter that was "us" is now over. I'm looking forward to the spring. Growth and beauty and warmth. My heart is closed to you now. I am ready to have a life worth living and spending it with someone that knows what love is. And I'm ready to love myself again.
Goodbye and best wishes,
Apr 4 2007, 02:25 PM
Dear A -
ugh, I hope I didn't push it too much bringing up that idea. I felt all great about it, and now I feel like maybe I pushed it too much. I just want to see you so badly. It would be nice to hear either way from you anyway. I know things will be ok.... I just got knocked down a peg by someone I trust a lot who pointed out what kind of emotional state you're in right now and that that may have been more than you can deal with, and not to push it too much.... so I'm now saying "ugh" to myself.
I wish you would have said "well, I will think about that" or "that sounds interesting, let me get back to you, I have to run." instead of just going... "hey, gotta go" right when I brought it up. I would like it if you said something either way so I don't have to not bring it up at all. (which I will do if you don't say anything) Also I would like it if you don't back off or anything cause of it.
I'm not going to initiate contact, so the ball is in your court.
ps - it was great to talk to you.
pps - I don't think your drinking is a big deal, I think it's really more situational right now. But I am sitting back and taking note.
Apr 4 2007, 04:14 PM
Dear Reese's peanut butter eggs,
You're the only thing I care about related to Easter. I love you.
Apr 4 2007, 08:28 PM
Well, well! Two trips to the ER, one trip to the primary care physician, and one trip to the medical aid unit, prescription after prescription, chest x-ray and cat scan later and they are saying it’s a pulled muscle in the collar bone area. It’s in a bad spot and I know it hurts so bad and that it makes you cry and nauseated but you have to try to give the medicine time to work. I know it’s four days before your 50th birthday, you’re feeling old and you had to cancel your surprise trip to Vegas and your are pissed, frustrated and sad and most of all IN PAIN but I promise you’ll get better and be able to reschedule. Just take it easy and rest and you’ll get better. We all love you and promise to take care of you.
Your two daughters, husband and two son-in-laws to be!
Apr 4 2007, 08:33 PM
I re-wrote the afadavit for you for court.
I hope your lawyer approves of it and it better suits the changes in the situation as the judge requested.
..I'm still glad to help you in this, but I cannot stress to you enough that that man is dangerous and
I still see all sorts of scary images around him and around YOU and I know you are trusting and investing heavily in religion right now and that really is wonderful and please don't be embarrassed or apologetic for talking about it to me, but he's Crazy.
scary images and vibes of death and crazy violence. he is a man who doesn't like to lose or worse, to lose face. don't you see that in so much kindness you are showing him, while lovely in theory, only makes him aware of how much you actually pity him? it's like waving a red flag in front of a bull.
wether my feelings are accurate or I'm just a kook, for the love of all things good, please be more careful.
I feel as though I am more scared for you than you are, and that's scariest of all!
my offer to strike fast before he can strike first still stands ~~ (1/2 joking)
Apr 5 2007, 06:45 AM
What did you want from me last night? Why did you even call. I answered the phone because I was curious. I should have ignored it. I knew you'd be pissed when I told you I was in love. But I had to tell you. Not telling you is not being true to myself. And then you say to be careful because you know how "needy" I am. Well FUCK YOU! You always thought I was "needy" because you NEVER gave me what I needed. I knew you'd react with spite and malice when I told you. But I want everyone to know I'm in love. And then you say I never appreciated you. Is that really how you saw me? Needy and unappreciative? Seriously? You fuck ass. You had my whole heart in the palm of your hand. I gave you ever ounce of myself, more than I could spare at the time. And that's how you perceived me? You have a withered black soul. You aren't nice. I am so pissed off right now!!!!! So fucking pissed off!!!!!!! If I wasn't at work I would scream. Then M comes to pick me up and I'm upset. I let you affect me. Why?!?!!?!? You always knew how to hit me where it hurt. You have always told me things like how I'm so "needy". And now I know why. You know I don't want to be that woman. You know how much I strive to be strong and independent, and damn it, I am!!!! M said you obviously don't even know who I am. And he's right. That made me feel better. He's good at making me feel better. Whatever. Why am I wasting time and energy on you. I want rid of you. PLease leave me alone from now on. We can't be friends and you know it. I'm happy now and you hate it. Forget I exist. Just leave me alone. I'm worn out.
Thank you. You are an exceptional man. How lucky am I that no other woman got to your heart? You make me happy. You make me feel so special and beautiful. You already know me better than he ever did. It's because you can see my heart. You're kind and thoughtful and wonderful. You're everything I hoped for in a man but never thought I'd find. Thank you. I love you.
You're a lucky girl. Take care of M. He's a keeper for sure. And forget about L. What a jerk off. But it's because of him that you are so strong. Never lose sight of who you are. Never undermine your feelings. Don't let him affect you. He's wrong about you and you know it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love yourself and take care of yourself.
Apr 5 2007, 09:28 AM
dear universe -
I surrender. I utterly surrender. Of course I don't understand why this delay, I only know that it's part of the whole big picture. It has to be. It's confusing, and all I can do anymore is just surrender. What more can be done to try and push things along? It seems that everything possible has been done. It's an emotional roller coaster for me and I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like for A. I keep visualizing the morning I will wake up and get that news that everything has fallen into place. I know I have to be patient and remember that I don't know the details of the journey, only that it will carry me to the end that I know will be. I am so grateful for everything that has come about so far, it's just that it's a challenge to stay positive when as a human, I don't understand. I can only trust that it will be. That you will make it so. It will be.
Apr 6 2007, 11:45 AM
Dear Liver and Kidneys,
I am so sorry for the week I've put you through. Last night especially. If you guys can just hang in there a little longer, I swear I'll let you recover tonight. Lots of water and rest. And I promise to take better care of you in the future. It was just a strange week. I don't know why I decided I needed to drink my dinner every night. Enough is enough. Please don't give up on me guys. I NEED YOU!
Apr 6 2007, 03:51 PM
dear you -
I feel like an ass. I was totally demanding on the phone and it's nothing I wanted to be. I was excited that you called, but when I told you about seeing C, and then you just said "Ok, I am gonna go now" I got all bummed at myself for bumming you out. That's when I was like No! No! Don't go, all needy and shit. I have not done that in forever. Got all freaked out and kept someone on the phone - god, how insecure that probably comes across. I know I don't need to be like that with you because you are an adult and so am I. But I feel like a fucking ass for saying that.
ugh. I think we'll be ok, but I just feel all ick.
ps - I need to talk to you soon but I am not gonna make the first move. I tried that already - the ball is in your court.
Apr 6 2007, 10:41 PM
dear letter thread -
sorry for hogging you.
dear universe -
can you please, please let this come through on monday? it's the last chance for him to get over here. Here this is, in the palms of my hands, and yet its so far away. Everything else has been so spectacular - I am going to appreciate everything that is connected with this more than you probably even know.
Apr 7 2007, 02:56 AM
dearest tranny god/dess,
lol, once again i got spanked. and while i'm tempted to say, "thank you ma'am, may i have another?" i think i take your point: i am at my best when i am unashamed to be me. other people's advise to hide who i am or anything of the sort ends up being all crash an' burn. i am better off when i am comfortable in my own skin. it's the thing to teach me over and over and over again. (this is that, "may i have another part). i know i can be slow on the uptake, so please bear with me. k? just keep reminding me that the goal is to be my own heroine. my own role model, the person i respect and admire, fuck what anyone else thinks. please keep the opportunites coming. you know i love them. push me, i know i need it. help me shed my sheepishness.
i hear your singing in my heart, in my head. i am trying, i am coming. seems i lose my way too often, but i am listening, i will give in. i hear your theme:
Whoever you are come forth
These are the days that must happen to you
I am a spirit
Up above your head
Though I rest in you
As though you were a bed
In a molecular world
In an electric state
I sing the praise of angels
And I sit and wait for you
Baby, baby, baby
Succumb to me
Give me your tears
I'll keep them in a glass
I'll store them with the treasures
That I've amassed
Give me your ears
I have secrets to tell
I will make you hear the delicate bell
All around you
Baby, baby, baby
Succumb to me
Give me your anger
And I'll soften the tone
I am the kiss that grows
Where love is shown
I am the mirror
That reflects your flickering flame
So follow me through your mirror frame
Baby, baby, baby
Succumb to me
These are the days that must happen to you
Whoever you are come forth
I have not revealed myself to you
To be another statistic
I have come to you to be my mystic
Baby, baby, baby
Succumb to me
Whoever you are come forth
These are the days that must happen to you
take me down my path. teach me how to be stronger. better. teach me how to love myself... teach me how to give in.
i see you, hiding there, under the blankets, hiding your head. so scared all the time. don't know know they can't hurt you? don't you know don't have to live in fear? don't you know that you have a choice of growing into that person in your heart of hearts, or shrinking? i write to you from your future. it is not an easy one, but it is beautiful, none the less...if you choose it. you are a rare gem, so why do you yearn to be a lump of coal? silly goose! close your eyes, and know who you are. close your eyes, and stop fighting. close your eyes and you will find a love for yourself that radiates. that becomes an armor. this is who you are, no apologies, no doubts, just love. you've seen it before. those women whose spiritual energy transcends physical beauty, that undeniable force, that self-love that people find irresistable. that, little one, is the goal. don't worry about all the little bullshit things thrown up in your way. the empty words of frightened, tiny minded people. your life is about your internal journey. go where your heart leads you, knowing that i will make you stronger.
oh, little one, i see you standing on the street corner, clinging to your mother's hand so tightly. you feel my path pulling you, and turn your head to find me. i smile at you. it's ok. it will all be ok. but it will be even better if you live your dreams not your fears. i know all the places from me to you, and there is nothing you cannot handle. you are so much stronger than you think you are, and you can be stronger still. don't be afraid to let go. because you can't go down your path till you do. can i tell you a secret little one? no path is as wonderful as the one that is all yours. can i tell you another? loving yourself is a powerful force, learn to harness it. share your love with others. nourish and feed their most beautiful self, and they will do the same to you. finally two last secrets: i am not your end, but still a intermediate stop. but i call you from further down this path, so you know, you can get there some day. you will get there someday. and the final secret, little one? oh, you know this one. i love you. all your little fears and all those times you fall down and scrape your knee. all those tears about something that turned out to be nothing. all those things you beat yourself up for, i love. i love you, your problems, worries and guilt, your virtues, your heart, your passion. little one, you are more than alright. and i love you.
Apr 7 2007, 08:28 AM
Dear A -
you rule. Thank you for last night.
when you jokingly called me your "new girlfriend" a while ago, I liked the sound of that. I didn't say anything then, because I'm kind of slow on the uptake, and I also just felt it so early that I might be jumping the gun. I wanted to tell you that I liked that idea when I saw you, but it seems I will not see you. I have not let go of hope, but as you said, I'm having to become resigned to the idea that it might not happen. I don't understand why this is happening. I pray every day that the universe, god, whatever, will give us the miracle that I know it can.
So I don't know what is exactly the right time to say something like that, since it seems the chance to say it in person will not be any time soon. I have loved every second of getting to know you. It's so easy, it just flows. and over the course of this time, I realize I don't want to see anyone else. Yes, it's a challenge, but as I said once - everything always works out, and if you want to make something work, you make it work. And somehow we seem to be doing just that. It just kind of fell into place, and it's been easy. I want to keep following that direction.
You literally walked into my life. I'd like you to stay.
Apr 7 2007, 02:20 PM
Dear L, I don't know what's going on between us, but it's bothering me a bunch. I don't know if you are just being the way other people told me you would be, and I shouldn't take it personally, or if something bad is happening with us. I want to talk to you about it, but I also get this feeling that you are trying to upset me somehow, and if that's the case, I don't want to indulge you. I know it's usually better to be open and honest about stuff, but it's hard, too. I hope that we can get through this and still be the kind of friends we have been. me
Dear B, Thank you again for challenging me and confronting me when I start acting weird. I'm sorry I have such a hard time talking when I'm upset. I tried my best, but I know that I didn't make much sense. It is so difficult to say what I am feeling at times like that. I start feeling numb and tongue-tied and and empty and terrified that I will say something awful. Thank you for listening to me the best you could, for making me look at you, and for sticking around with me. I want to keep working on what we have together, and I know that I have to work on myself to be able to do that. Patience. love, me
Apr 7 2007, 09:02 PM
Please take care of my momma tonight. She’s all alone in the hospital without any of us. Keep her safe and out of pain. I can’t stand watching her cry and hurt the way she is. I can’t stand watching them take blood and give her injection after injection. Help the doctors find out what’s wrong with her chest and why it hurts her so much. I’m worried about all the narcotics she’s being given. She doesn’t like to take medicine, not even aspirin. I’m scared. REALLY REALLY SCARED! Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and her 50th birthday. This is a terrible way to spend it especially since she was supposed to be spending a week in Vegas with my Dad. Please help her Lord. She needs you so.
Try to stay calm and not get upset. I know it hurts but crying and getting upset isn’t helping to keep you still and pain free. I know the fucking doctors and nurses seem like they are never going to come with the pain medication. I try to get them to move faster without freaking out on them. Sometimes they seem like they are being lackadaisical but I truly think they are just doing their jobs and waiting for orders to go through. They really are doing their best. I know they will find something soon just stay calm. We love you and I’ll see you in the morning.
I love you.
You’re being very brave and very calm. Thanks for trying so hard to keep it together when I know your temper wants to get the best of you. You’re my hero. Thanks for calling me all the time with updates.
Dear Little Sis,
Thanks for calling me when things went down with mom today. Thanks for giving me a big, little sister, hug when I got to the ER. Thanks for holding my hand. Thanks for telling me everything will be all right. I love you baby girl!
Your Big Sister
Dear Love of My Life Ryan,
Thanks for rushing to change clothes and eating the big bowl of ice cream you just made up in the car while we rushed to the hospital. Thanks for taking care of my sis in the waiting room while I was back with my mom. Thanks for hanging around my parents’ house while we waited for news. Thanks for buying dinner for us all. Thanks for holding my hand in the car on the way home. Thanks for calling your family and telling them we might not make it tomorrow because we have to go back to the hospital to see my mom. Thank you for everything. Thank you for just being wonderful.
I Love You!
Dear Doctors & Nurses,
Thanks for all your hard work. Please figure out what the fuck is wrong with my mom.
Please pray for my momma!
Apr 8 2007, 05:44 AM
huge hugs to all of you sweetie!
sending super strong get well vibes out to her right now, and also going to wish for her in the other thread bc don't we all know how amazing that seems to work?
hang in there sweets~
yes right now.
clear upclearupclearupClear Up !
your are so wet and congested and you hurt and burn and today is a holiday and I don't relish going to the e r but am kinda thinking about it bc I can't sleep and have just been feeling so shitty off/on for the last several days and why did it only finally occur to me to see a dr NOW?
was it the weird dream w. megan mullolly from will and grace where she was giving me religious worksheets and I was here in bed w/ my cat, as I am in real life, and coughing my head off? (the butterfly was a nice touch, lovely really, thanks psyche!)
just get better. clear up.
Apr 8 2007, 12:33 PM
Dear A -
I'm confused. I don't get it. I know you're going through a tough time. But this world is small. We can do this. keep that enthusiasm of a couple of weeks ago. it will be fine. I know it. its just rough right now. Everything always works out. And if you want to make something work, you make it work. Please keep making it work.
Dear Universe -
Apr 8 2007, 01:17 PM
Can you fucking leave me alone for 30 seconds??? I don't give two shits right now. Do you have to fucking hover? Seriously, not everything I do is your business!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Apr 8 2007, 04:20 PM
still not interested in making up w/ m.
you were pretty cool about asking, and I know you want "your girls" to get along but while I chose the moment to draw the line, I never chose the battle.
none for me but thanks for asking!
body: really. enough
I can't believe you are doing this NOW.
I'd frown here but it would hurt, bc even my skin seems to ache right now.
mr: hurry your skippy little ass up.
I need extra tlc, hot tea and pity.
ps: if you call, the physical state (dreadful) I am in right now is how you are getting me.(sexy!)
creepy neighbor guy's family-
ironic that out of the whole neighborhood, you are the only one's that ever stop to do anything nice for us.
I'm sorry, but he is persona non grata.
I probly ought to just tell you but I still don't want to hurt you the wife's feelings, altho I got a hunch you won't be suprised either.
not interested but appreciative