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you are a MORON of over-reaction.
next time rob a bank and steal some common sense ey?

don't you EVER do that to me again!!!
if it was your super power psyche trying to be sweet and letting me know you are ok via ~dream-a-vision... next time NO THANKS. a phone call would have been preferred, and damnit stop laughing at my hysterics while you are at it too.
ya scared the holy heck out of me!!
lovin' the player but hatin' the game,

you know what I'm talking about.
Dear B,
I'm really sorry. I underestimated you again. When I was taking everything personally and thinking that you were being shitty to me, it was mostly my own issues. I'm so glad that you didn't freak out when I talked to you about it and that you calmly explained what was going on but still sympathized with my feelings. Thank you.
dear zoya -

chill. it will all be ok. it will all be fine.


dear universe -

keep it coming. I know it's just my getting in the way that makes things tough. But I know you're taking care of it. I am enjoying the ride. Keep it coming.

*crying a little*

Dear God,

Make the dreams stop. Please make them stop. I don't want to dream about Mom and Dad and the terrible way we used to argue. I feel guilty enough for my participation in the knock down drag out fights we all used to have. I don't need to be reminded of them in my dreams. We don't live together anymore and we get along much better. I go to lunch with mom every Friday and I can actually say that we have a nice time. How can I meet with her and enjoy myself when just hours before I was dreaming of her stepping between my father and I as he raised his hand to slap me and her kicking me out of the house because she's afraid of him and scared for me. Please just make it stop. Are you punishing me for something? I know I've been slacking a little in school but I'm trying harder. It doesn't help that I wake up scared, angry, sad and depressed after a night of horrible dreams. I love you God but please just make the dreams stop.


P.S. I'm drinking a bottle of wine tonight and taking a Unisom as a back up plan just incase you aren't listening today. I know you are needed elsewhere in the world so I’m not expecting much.
dear universe, most probably Goddess Universe of Girlyfuck Lameness,
I am listening to chaka khan, sleeping for 13 hours, and feeling like shit most of the day. I am so sick of making work and not being proud of it, I am so sick of "trying" and "not trying" and I am so in love in the worst way possible

If i see him1 next week, I will pull out all the stops to make him want me again, which won't be as difficult as it could be.
in which case, when him2 calls, I will tell him I love him and that there is nobody else. which is a LIE. if he told me there was somebody else, I would collapse into a million pieces. I need him.
and if I cannot see him2 this summer I will fucking die inside and feel like a failure.

There is no him3. A him3 would be fantastic, and make a terrible situation a lot sillier. Because this is really silly, and unfortunately, I can't make an art out of it.
My PLEA is that I will make art period. and stop feeling like a complete and total shithead unless some hot boy wants to fuck me. Because that is bad self esteem and makes me (somewhat gleefully?) a bad feminist.

dear real universe,
"depression does this."
I don't want to pay money for somebody to tell me this forever.

dear self,
in a disney film, Gaston's sidekick says: "Gaston,You've got to pull yourself together!" That voice keeps repeating in your head, and it doesn't really do anything. You are not a 200 lb beast-hunting, egg-eating playboy. But wait, maybe you are. Isn't Gaston, or a more tangible version of him (fratboy at the bar) your fantasy alter ego? Take this information and play with it. This perhaps might be what your video needs to be about--that man's man you love to be and can never be.
Dear God,

Thanks for the wonderful visit with my parents today. I needed it.


P.S. No dreams tonight OK!?!?
Dear nail on my right thumb toe,

STOP HURTING ME, you evil fucker! If I have to go to the doctor to get part of you pulled out, I will die. I can't deal that kind of pain, man. And I definitely can't deal with the thought of needles going in my foot to numb the pain beforehand. The mere thought makes me want to pass out. A foot is not like an ass or an arm. It's a bone with a few millimeters of skin, okay? That shit hurts when poked with needles. I would know. The eight shots to "numb" my hand in the emergency room after that dog bite traumatized the crap out of me. I'll take another dog bite over that torture any day. Hell, I'll take two.

-Me. mad.gif


Dear tranny god/dess:
i hate to say that i underestimated you, but it looks like i might have. you have your candle (burning on your alter), and flowers(laying on your altar), and even a new brass shiva:half man, half woman, strong and proud.

i hope that is where you are taking me. thank you for reminding me where i want to go. that strong, beautiful, regal native american woman that kitty meant. i find bits of her royal soul left for me like breadcrumbs. i just wish i could follow a straight line (ha ha).

the job loss and everything threw me for a loop, but you have been so kind to give me sweetness: v asking me to be on the panel. k being so warm and generous. i doubt these things, myself, my direction...

i just want-- more than anything-- i just want to have my face finished. i know most people don't notice the slight discoloration in the beard area of my face. they don't see the little hairs, like weeds, that grow from my skin. but i do. i've seen so many tgirls get their face lasered and in 3 months, 6 months they are done. but i've been at this for years. more than 7 years. and all i want is to never have to shave again. you know how i struggled to see that woman that most people see when they look at me. that woman that was so strong in me when i was a child, that woman-child that set me on this path, but i am weary. i want to wake up and see me, not that i need to shave. i don't want to keep catching myself with my head down.

perhaps i ask a lot. if so, then let me make it simple. i just want that. it's not that i don't appreciate the connects for mexican hormones. that is such a blessing, a score that i never would have found on my own. but i want this more. maybe you just want to keep me connected. rooted to my transness, but you know me better than that, don't you? just let me see that woman. no reservations. no caviats, no buts. let me just see me. give me that please? i just need it. more than anything else.

just this one thing, k?


dear A -

I don't understand why I haven't heard from you. Things flow so damn easily, and so much fun. Yeah so you warned me something about yourself and how you are bad at keeping in touch, but I think that the mentioned possible plans for today warranted a touching of bases. Come on, quite honestly our conversations cover topics that you and I both know are the topics of conversation of people starting to move into a relationship. I don't have to read between the lines to know that. I want to do this. When I see you, it's amazing, and you are so present, so on, and it's just great. What's the deal with you not putting in any work in between? I know you're busy, I can totally appreciate it. and if you hadn't brought up possibly doing something today I wouldn't have sweated not hearing from you for a few days. But I just think it at least warranted touching base. Especially after the fucking great time we had a couple days ago. I'm yours if you want it. But not if you won't do some work.

dear donna summer,
thanks for making kick ass songs!

dear gill's restaurant,
thanks for making kick ass food! and I forgive you now for making the lame desi-desi small talk while we were trying to eat. The leftovers. Rule.
Dear F. & J. –

You are both so fucking stupid. You have been friends for probably 15 years and yet whenever you get together and get drunk you have to bring up old shit. “You stole my ex, I married your ex, I wanted to marry your ex, you cheated with my girl, I stole your girl, I wanted your girl, I could have had your girl” blah, blah, blah. WHO FUCKING CARES ASSHOLES! Let’s all grow up and move on OK!

…and also…


My man who knows you haven’t seen J. in a while and would probably like to hang out with us invited you to my house last minute. I cook for us (7 all together). My Mr. stops and gets booze so we can all have a good time. Surprise, surprise you don’t offer up any cash to contribute to the little party. I suggest that everyone stay the night so they don’t have to drive home. You agree to stay and all night you are saying that you want to go to breakfast the next day. You get so fucking drunk. You hit on my sister all night while her boyfriend is sitting right next to her. You are 28 years old and she is 18. You’ve known her since she was eight. There is no fucking way I’d let you near her with a ten foot pole cause as much as I love you and you are one of my best friends you and I and the rest of our friends know you are a dog. You should know by now that you can’t mix beer and Caribou Lou. You should also know when enough is enough. You get so fucking wasted you can’t even stand then you go upstairs, puke and pass out in my bathroom. THEN…I go upstairs to see if your OK after sleeping on the bathroom floor all night and YOU AREN’T THERE! You rolled in the middle of the night without leaving a note, saying goodbye, thank you, fuck you or anything at all. I have no idea if you got home ok or if you are dead on the side of the road.


Again you are invited last minute. You eat, drink and don’t offer up a penny to contribute to the booze. You also agree to stay the night and agree to breakfast the next morning. In fact, I think breakfast the next morning was your idea. You get drunk as well, stumbling and tripping over everything, spilling beer all over my tables. You give my sister and her friends shit for not drinking. THEY ARE UNDERAGE. If they don’t want to drink then they don’t want to drink. You give my sisters boyfriend shit for leaving at midnight. He has a 45-minute drive home and wants to get there in one piece. You pass out on the couch and YOU ROLL AS WELL without saying goodbye or leaving a note or anything. Again, I hope you aren’t dead on the side of the road somewhere. The least you could do is fucking call me and let me know you’re all right.

J. & F. Fuck you both. Grow up. That’s the last time I have you over for a while. It’s just too much drama.
Dear HR,


skeevy guy in the white caddy driving around selling in my neighborhood:
No, I Do NOT want to buy anything from you.

A ) you look like something from buffy the vampire slayer out pimpin'
B ) I make it a personal practice to NEVER buy meat from the back of any vehical!
== shudder==

and tell all your friends the bitch in this house isn't worth the trouble bc EWWWWWWW.
you're very lucky I didn't pick up rocks to throw at you based on the last time I had one of your kind come & harrass me after I said no.
sinse when do road-kill cooks drive caddy's anyway?
-no soliciting at the house you stopped at today
dear asshole lady that just cussed me out over the phone-

YOU are the one that filled out a profile just two weeks ago and GAVE us your phone numbers. TWO of them. honestly, i know that you're acting like a fucking bitch because you're SCARED. i WANTED to help you find true love, or at least someone that could make you happy. goddess knows YOU need it.

there's no reason for you to get huffy with me.

and no, FUCK YOU!


woman that already HAS true love and was going to help you. LIKE YOU FUCKING REQUESTED!!!!!!

Dear D,

I miss you.

dear BFF-

what is your GLITCH?
first, you tell people in the know WAY TOO MUCH information about me.

you nonchalantly text me about how bored and tired you are today, neglecting to throw in a HAPPY BIRTHDAY in there.
you have 4 hours.
i accept text message, myspace post, email, or a good old fashioned phone call.

you don't even know how much i needed that today, do you.


I actually just emailed this one IRL!

Dear Doony & Bourke,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I bought my first Dooney & Bourke handbag in December. I really love it. It’s probably the most expensive fashion item I’ve ever bought. I like it so much that I’m on your website all the time trying to decide which one I’m going to ask my fiancé to buy for me when my birthday comes in May. I registered my new handbag on your website as soon as I got home from the mall with it. I get tons of compliments on it from friends, family and even strangers on the street. I’m just so happy with it and can’t wait to get another.

However, I recently noticed that on one of the shoulder straps the stitching is really starting to fray, the leather is getting very soft and the leather on the sides of the strap is pealing and flaking off. This strap looks significantly more worn then other strap, which is fine. A friend of mine has a very similar Dooney & Bourke handbag and I looked at hers last night and this is not happening to either of her straps. She said hers is two years old and mine is less then three months. I’m not doing anything out of the ordinary with it other then using it as an everyday handbag for my keys, cell phone, cash, credit cards and other things women usually carry in their purse. I have a Nine & Company handbag that I paid $30 for with a shoulder strap that took years to fray. I have to say that this is really disappointing.

Is it possible that there is a defect in the craftsmanship of my bag? Should I take it back to the department store where it was purchased? Do your handbags come with a warranty? Should I mail it to you? Any information you can offer regarding my concerns would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!

(end of letter)




lol. i love the ps part of the letter, pugs!


i know i come across as overstating things, as a little sappy and sentimental, but you really did save my life by just being you.

it wasn't your gold jewelry, or your fancy chanel hand bags, shoes and suits. in all honesty, they were but dated. what changed my life was your quiet dignity. that southern lilt in your voice that made all those fears about being transexual evaporate. it was those real --not air-- kisses on the cheek that welcomed me into your life. it's a funny kind of friendship we have. an odd intimacy, where i know you so well, but not too deeply, close but not too closely. i call you my drag mom or just my mom, even though you are only a year older than me. you taught me, not makeup or hair tips, or clothing. you never seemed to think i needed it. you taught me by accepting me for who i was. something my genetic mom is incapable of doing. yeah, you teased me about my skateboarding, but it was always sweet, gentle, and loving. it's been 7 years we've known each other and you have had one of the greatest effects on my life. i was well on my way to being a drunken lost cause. i saw my future and it wasn't pretty. i needed to see someone, know someone who was sane who was living this life. who haddn't let it destroy them. someone who had made their peace with being tg and was just living. you did that. you saved my life by being you.

thank you, mom.


Dear Spring,

Take off your coat and stay awhile.

Most sincerely,
Dear Time,
could you perhaps be a tad more generous? For a gal who needs her 9 hrs of sleep
and currently works 11 hrs, 4 hrs of free time seems a little, well, STINGY!!
Yesterday I used them for 1½ hours cooking/showering/general domestic stuff,
20 minutes walk in the sun & 2 hrs of TV before bedtime. I'm not happy with that.

I know some people have even less free time, however, I'm not planning to become
one of those people. I plan to become a writer/translator who can support herself
on a meager paycheck and still have plenty of time to sniff & water the flowers.

Are you OK with that?

Dear K,

you're a bundle of radness & generally rock my world, but you're also quite the zit on my ass.
Can we chill on the "I hate her/him/them/that/everything" rants? I know you're very sensitive.
I'm very sensitive too. Being very sensitive leads to over-reacting, and perhaps most annoying
to other people, over-interpreting. They're not all out to get you, every joke isn't a snide remark,
and even if a person doesn't like you - what about it? Do you like them? No, you don't, you generally
hate people who don't show an immediate interest in (and admiration for) you.

Have you ever considered that when people seem to don't particularly like you, it could be because
you have a body language that says "fuck off"? Or perhaps you're absolutely neutral (um..nah!)
and they still don't like you. Well, it happens.

"I hate it when people think I'm weird. I'M NOT WEIRD!!" you say. Darling, you know quite well
that you're an oddball. Wearing hipster clothes and being rather well-adjusted doesn't change that.
We're not freaks or geeks anymore, but we're still weird. I LOVE that you're weird! You're brilliant,
wipe-the-tears-out-of-my-eyes-and-choke hilarious, imaginative, sweet & friendly when you want to be.
But really, NOT weird? Why don't you just embrace it?

So everyone can't appreciate it, some people can detect weirdness a mile away and absolutely detest it.
OK, so they're boring, that's their problem. Do you really need to be loved by everyone, even boring
people, even people you hate yourself? Isn't that, well, a bit too much to ask for? Or at least implausible?

Could you at least give my ears some well needed rest for a bit, other people have problems too you see.



thanks for moving around in there finally. you had momma scared for a while. i know this is just the first of many times that i will worry about you and your safety and maybe you're just trying to prepare me for all the things i need to learn. but i didn't like it one bit. so you keep swimming and kicking around in there and i'll feel a lot better. i know you need your sleep and all, but i like it when you "communicate" with me. keep it up, little bub!

your momma

dear mrfj,

thanks for putting up with my bullshit this morning. i was a little emotional and might have over-reacted just a leeetle. thanks for being patient with me. honestly, these emotional outbursts haven't happened often, so you should consider yourself quite lucky. hehe.

i love you,

your mama
dear sister of mine,

i don't understand why you have to take a perfectly good thing and fuck it up every time. on purpose. you know you do it. you know it hurts everyone around you, but you detach somehow from it.

you turn everything to shit and blame everyone else for it sucking. i try to be patient with you, i know you are mentally ill. but, i have to admit, sometimes i wonder if it's just another manipulation. another way for you to be blameless for all of the horrible things you do to our entire family.

i'm at a loss, here. every time we move forward, you shut it down and cut me out. and i just keep being there, hoping there will be an end to all this madness and paranoia. but then i remember that you're ill, and it will always be this way.

i hate that you hurt all the time, and that the only way you can get through it is to lash out and hurt others. i wish you believed me when i tell you that i love you. more than anything.

your baby sister
Heyyy I miss seeing you around.

On the other hand, it's for the best.

Don't think I don't like you. I DO!! You RAWK!! You TRULY rock.

I DO like you. That will never change. But you know that thing you said about people going on with their own lives? Yes, mine is at warp speed right now. And I am so happy.

um -- I do hope you put more stuff out. You need to secure your place in history. You deserve a big place.

I know I've said this before, but I'm on your side. I don't want the shallow hater types to win.

You are so full of color -- so full of intelligence and sweetness and humor.

I know there is probably some extremely bad business going on. And I know you're not the soul of virtue in some ways. I know you can't stop hustling. That must suck.

I know you deserve some of the bad things that have happened to you. I know you feel beside yourself, literally, that there is you inside and there is you that you are with other people.

But, so many people have worse lives. Sure, it must suck to have gotten rich and famous and have everything around you under your control and still be crazy -- certified.

But what were you DOING it all for? That's what you have to remember.

And remember that your true self *can* be seen by some people. and you have a distinct, singular, permanent place in our hearts.
Dear Baby,

Thank you for being the most wonderfully, exciting, human; I've ever known.


Dear Livejournal,

It seems my livejournal account has been deleted.The old drama is no longer in affect anymore since the babykins takes up so much time.Although I do miss reading journals.


Dear boyfriend's of the past,

What was I thinking?


Dear old busties,

I miss you, I've been busy with my baby for nine months, I haven't had time to do anything.Life is heading in really great directions, I've been fighting very hard for a life worth living and I'm finally getting there.I hope those of you who remember me are doing well.


Dear Me,

Only 6 more weeks of school and then off to do something else.You've been working hard bringing up the baby and are doing a great job.Soon you'll be onto a more crafted life of your own.I know your tired but you're doing great.I love you and sorry I've treated you as less deserving throughout the years.


Dear belly,

You are a different shape now, a little bigger, no longer tied in knots! lookin good!

tranny god/dess & job goddess:

thank you so much! it's better than i could have planned. i trust that the rest will go just as smoothly, and i thank you for putting my mind at ease. yes, i can see you winking at me. the skateboarding, welding tranny. i can't help cracking a smile. another loopy thing to add to my resume. i love that you keep it interesting. i'll learn to trust you to get me where i need to be going. i know it in my heart, and i can't wait till i get those butterflies again. i've missed that starcrossed assurance, that dreamy optimism, i needed it more than i know. just get me there. k? just get me there. hold me close, hold me tight. love me more than i can stand. smile.gif

your daughter,
dear god,
please let him want to fuck me tomorrow and make a move.
I don't care that this is selfish and bad and will ultimately end in tears.
I guess I don't care as much to be friends. I'd rather be just benefits and know i'm not getting anything else.

selfishly but SERIOUSLY!!!



dear me,
oh my god you have got to start getting in the game with new people. this cycle has been going on for over a year. MEET SOMEBODY NEW. GO to a party once in a while instead of hanging on to these long-distance trysts and spending the weekends with your married or almost married friends. FLIRT with strangers. This is hard, but you've done it before. Trying counts.

dear nails -

i know i haven't paid much attention to you the last week. i've been very busy. i've been trying to at least file you every other day to keep the flakes and splits to a minimum. i promised you last night that we'd have a nice sit down today and i made good on that promise. you were polished removed, scrubed, trimmed, filed, and painted again. you look so pretty. please don't break. this is the longest you've ever been naturally. people are jelous of you. let's keep it that way.

Your momma
LMP, I use something called witchcraft to harden my nails, and it's actually working very well.

Dear back,

Why did you get hurt this morning, really. I work out and keep you healthy, and her you are getting hurt on me while I am getting out of bed. I didn't even hurt you doing anything fun. See what I get for the sports sacrifices in high shcool. Grrrr.

Culture -

I'm going to have to look into that. I've been using OPI's Start to Finish (base, top and nail strengthener (sp?) all in one).
Dear A -

god, I've had a great time with you.
I have a great time with you.
its so easy, it's excellent.


ps- say it.

Dear beauracracy -

fucking stop being idiots and get his stuff together. Come on for fuck's sake.


Dear Self,

Allow it to happen. Don't be afraid.

Dear you,


When your mum contacts me worried that she hasn't heard from you that, in turn, makes me worry and you know how good a worrier I am.

I know you will have it on silent and be downstairs or have gone out and left it home by accident but that does not stop me freaking out just now. I'm imagining all the bad things that could have happened to you and wondering at what stage I should start phoning around the hospitals.

PHONE ME and allow me to scream at you for a while and know that it's only because I love you so much, couldn't bear if anything happened to you and need you to pick up your bloody phone.

PLEASE baby? phone and tell me how stupid I am for fretting so much that I'm in tears.

I'm begging you: CALL NOW.

Baby Girl xx
Dear mr,
how adorable are you to write & record a lullaby for me
when you saw that I've logged in to your blog at 4 am?
Too adorable for words, that's what.

kisses! <3 <3

dear self,
okay, after he visits you have to start trying to date people. I'll allow you one last shot at "lighting his stuff on fire" or whatever bullshit chaka khan has been feeding you. then you have to start flirting with people and not expect this one boy to fulfill your needs.
good luck,

dear goddess of probability and Future Planning/Wishing,
you tricked me! but probably necessary because I am already fucked up because of tuesday/wed. I mean, I might have bursted into tears or something had stuff happened. That would have sucked/been embarrassing. So I take this as a "do the right thing" blow. Tell me, will something art-wise happen to affect my decision for the summer? Am I to soon tell d that he is not, in fact, the love of my life, and that while I would love for him to be right next to me right now, it is only the stability he provides that keeps me from cutting off all contact?

I can't handle not having a backup plan! aka if somebody bails on me, I need a backup rightaway. d is that backup, and if I don't have him, I cannot move forward. How fucked up is this??

I don't know what to ask for, but I do know that drinking a lot without eating is a poor habit and also not fulfilling AT ALL. Where the hell is my appetite??!! This is weird! I am the foodie queen of the universe!

I want that back, and for s to want it and want it bad.

selfishly again,

Dear weather,

Why are you so bloody cold today?


Dear D,

are you back yet?

dear zoya -

get your ass to work. there is a hell of a lot of shit that needs to be done.


ok. right then. short of me just giving it to you straight down the line, how long can we do this for? because i like you. you are fun. you are trouble. but you are No Good and i know you are lying and you are not that smart (and yes, i know, the set-your-hair-on-fire smart i want is not just rattling around in shitty bars). and, you know, i've been around and know about not changing and changing and changing back. and so i'll lie to you too, up to a point. but then it will get tired, and i'll spill, and here it is - are you worth fucking up for? because i am fucking up. i am selling myself short and spending way too much time on this and neglecting a lot of really important things. trying to get you under the spell.
so you can give in and join me or you can keep playing tictactoe.
right now you've got about a week to decide if you want to show some enthusiasm or find some new pretty girl to soak up your ramblings.


i am sorry. i am fucking this up. willingly too.
i want you to have a good time and be ok and not think i'm horrible. but this is not ethical or cool or anything else.
please be well. be ok. listen - i told you i couldn't do this and i can't. but you are great.


one more week. one more week. i need coffee and clattery, empty-me-out-fill-me-up talk with you.
Dear Neighbours,

I don't know if you are aware of this, but tomorrow is the first day of Spring. New buds are appearing on all the trees and bushes. I even saw a municipal employee aerating a roadside patch of lawn this morning. (Ok, I don't really know what he was doing, but he was driving some kind of landscaping-type vehicle around and around on the lawn. Maybe he was just drunk. How do I know?)

Also, the snow has all disappeared, and the ice on the river has completely melted.

I recognize that everyone has their own schedule for doing things. But I feel, personally, that it might be time to start thinking about taking your Christmas decorations down off your balcony.

I'm just saying.

The Woman Next Door
Dear D,

Thank you.

I also feel the L-bomb coming on, I won't say it though.

aunt agonist
Im sorry it has to be this way. I thought we could be friends, but the way that you’ve been acting lets me know that you no longer have any room for me in your life. I had hoped that you would at the very least ask me how I was doing, or help with the divorce proceedings, but apparently your new life has no room for remnants of your old one.

I will miss you, but there is no point in me persuing any sort of freindship with you. I know I said I would give it a try but you continually ignored e-mails, and when we met you acted as if I was a waiter or pizza boy, not a friend.

I had hoped I would see a glimmer of the person I knew, but apparently there is nothing left of the you I knew. I didn’t expect it to be a social visit, but your actions led me to believe that you would have rathered to be anywhere but with me. I’m sorry. I just can’t do it. I’m always chasing you and that’s not healthy or fulfilling for me. If I felt like we both wanted this then I would have been willing to give it a shot, but that’s clearly not the case.

I hope you will be very happy. I miss the old you, but I guess that person dosen’t exist anymore. I hope one day you will realize that just because you are growing as a person, dosen’t mean you have to cut people out entirely. I wish you had just told me you didn’t want to be friends, it would have been easier. You didn’t do me any favors by telling me that you wanted something you clearly didn’t. it’s almost over now. There is no need for us to discuss anything further. I will start payments on the debt in april and I will deposit them directly into the commerce account so that we don’t have to speak again.

I think I had just envisioned things going differently. Like that you would actually speak to me or that we could give each other a hug goodbye. I had hoped that the last time we saw each other would have been on better terms, but it dosen’t appear that was in the cards for us. I will think of you, but please, don’t contact me ever again.

I can’t deal with you saying you want me in your life and ignoring me once I agree anymore. Everytime I think we’ve made progress it’s rejection after rejection after rejection. If I had known that we weren’t trying to be friends I wouldn’t have minded, I would have expected the cordial but distant behavior, but as it is, considering that we had recently decided that we would try to keep contact to a minimum, but with the hopes of being really good friends one day, your total indifference surprised me.

It’s better that I know now. At least I realize that there is no point in working towards a friendship on my end. A friendship is much like a romantic relationship in that both people have to want it, and that clearly isn’t the case. Good luck. Goodbye.

dear me,
take some advice for a change, but also listen to your heart. i know it's in pieces right now, but those pieces have put themself together before and they know how to do it again, so trust them. i love you
dear universe -

things are falling into place so well, it's awesome. make this happen. everything is in order and all it takes is a few people saying yes. there is every reason it should happen. make it so.


dear c,

you're a catty bitch. i'm really sorry you kept it hidden this long, if you'd shown me this side of you months ago it would be so much easier, i wouldn't be so stuck to you through other people. that girl you were unprovokedly (and i know, i know, she's 'mean' to you, but she wasn't there on teh internets where you decided to start this shit, was she?). i spent hours in the summers eating cookies in her living room watching soap operas and bad talk shows. we followed a cute guy selling chocolate bars through her neighbourhood together. we listened to sandstorm so loud in the living room together that all the pictures in her house ended up crooked. it doesn't matter that we drifted apart, because the fact that we had broke my heart. so what you said wasn't okay by me. what you said means i can never truly call you my friend. what you said showed me who you can be and it's the kind of person i would have been mean to a few years ago just to make a point that being a bitch gets you nowhere.

the sad thing is you're never going to know the half of what went through my head when i saw that. you're never going to understand that you managed to profoundly change our relationship in 100 words or less directed at someone else. i'm going to be nice because i don't want to turn my boyfriend's apartment into cold war central

and half of me hopes to god you give me an ultimatum so that i can choose not you

Dear A -

ok. you've stepped up to the plate. this is true. but I don't understand your inability to keep in touch. call me. or just plain say "I'm busy but just wanted to say hi" when you see me online. It's really confusing that you don't. Yes, you said you are bad at that, but I don't buy that excuse, that cop out. I know things will be just fine, but I need to hear from you. It's just one of those things.


ps - I hope you're enjoying that little gift I left.
tranny god/dess:
you are a tricky one aren't you? leading me down a path to see things, messages i did not see. the meaning of my middle name, and how it applies. lol. how can i not love it: the woman who grows a beard to go to war. now if only i wasn't a pacifist. but i take your meaning, and meanings. and i see that you are following me like dudley moore. teach me. i am listening. you have been very good to me and i do appreciate it. thank you for making sure i can pay for my upcoming school, and that thank you for having more wisdom than i could see. i am learning to trust you, so bear with my lack of patience. it will change. thank you again. more later. just know i am grateful.
your servant,

job goddess:
thank you for putting me where i need to be. i trust you are working with the god/ess. you do your part, i will do mine. thank you for everything.

good on ya. i know you are scared of being alone. but you are better off without your deadweight exboyfriend. you are too smart for his bullshit, and it's high time you knew it like the rest of us do. welcome back to life, chica. we're glad to have you here again. sometimes you need to check things out to know in your heart of hearts it's not right for you. i am just glad you saw it for what it was and broke up with him again. be friends with him, but keep him at arms length. trust me, he can still heart you from a distance.

i am learning all of your tricks. i know how you never apologize. i know how when someone gets mad at you, you find some trival thing to get pissed off at them so you never have to say you are sorry. i know, and see it. as much as i am happy that i am part of your family now, i am so glad we are not dating anymore. i want someone who has the strength of self to admit when they are wrong. it is not a virtue to always think you are right, or that you don't owe anyone anything. it is the gravest of flaws to have no sense of when you need to look at your actions, and make a change. i hope someday you will learn this. you will be a much better person for it.

barbara boxer: um, i think i love you. your comments on weds made me spit out my coke. freaking run for pres already, k?
dear A -

you fucking rule! that was awesome.

oh, I'm also glad you're enjoying the gift...


dear universe -

wow. thanks.


dear asshole company rep -

i'm about to call you and talk to you about money. I've been putting it off for two days. I am gonna do this.

it would be great if you answered the way I want you to.

and if not, I hope I can say the right thing to get my ass out of this job.


dear mas,
I hope you both knew I loved you, and that my not calling and keeping in touch had nothing to do with how much you both meant to me. I pray that your souls travel safely to their next portals, or have already traveled safely.

hare rama

dear dadas,
I will see you both soon. Please don't ever think i don't love you or that you are not wanted and needed in this material life. DM dada, please don't feel that you have nothing to live for, although I understand me wanting you to be here materially is selfish. laludada, please know that though I refuse to call myself a hindu or anything really, everything I believe about religion or spirituality is due to you and what you taught everyone, especially that you can pray anywhere, even in the bathroom.
I am sorry for your losses.

hare rama

dear Bhagwan or whatever you are,
I don't know how the fuck to deal, although in the last few days all I have denied is my belief in any kind of gendered god system because although ogically I don't agree, saying, the idea of Bhagwan has been the only thing that has helped because it helped everybody else.
I know i'm not being a good person in many things and that I'm testing the system more than necessary to be fulfilled. But also know that I don't believe in doing anything according to you or not. The fact that I can say "you" fucks it all up. But I do love and think I know what familial love is, so maybe LOVE = Bhagwan. maybe. I don't know.

dear d,
I'm sorry for lying. Really, I am. Although I probably won't stop doing it. I love you and miss you and will never ever ever ever forget the day I cried in your arms and begged you in the middle of the street not to leave me, or even go home, and when you waited and calmed me down and said you'll still love me. Even when I repeated this tantrum over and over because I still don't know how to express my feelings. I need you a lot. You're kind of like this god thing, which doesn't make sense logically but I still need it to feel like a whole person. I guess that's why one day I sat down and started pretending I was in love, and now I fucking am, in one way at least, and can't bear to let you go. This is all translation for: i have done bad deeds and your God would not like me one bit and I'm scared to death of that, and for breaking your heart.
I know you know there's another boy, or at least a maybe. That also scares me that you know. I can't believe in a god the way you do, and i'm sorry for telling you I was one thing to make it seem like we were more similar and for forcing a connection. I'll probably have to tell you soon, but I fear that it will only be once I know I can live without you. and I fucking can't.

dear you,
it will be almost three years since i've known you. I tried to forget about you, and got pretty distracted and good at being distracted. Now you're back, and I have to choose and have absolutely no problem choosing when it comes to who I want logically and who fits into my life the most. You are truly the boy of my dreams. It's funny, the minute i start talking to you while still talking to d, he melts away and our "love" disappears. I guess that means that it's not really love, is it? You have this history of sweeping girls away from their "loves" and making them revolve their lives around you in a more truer fashion of "love". I have no doubts that you are no more feminist than d, just with a hipper taste in music and hipper, more inconspicuous styles of seducing. You are a selfish, selfish manthing. And I want nothing more than to be yours.


dear me,
this, in fact, is the start of infidelity.
please choose deliberately before proceeding.
but remember that choosing is different from wanting, and that wanting is different from needing.
save me,

dear gloria steinem,
you kind of suck. i was disappointed. a lot. and the "sisterhood" is certainly not helping me feel any better about my love and religion and family issues although some time ago i thought it might.
best of luck with being a superstar and all, although you don't really need any.

dear nipples -

you look so cute pierced. i can't wait till you're healed. i'm trying to take very good care of you. i hope you aren't too uncomfortable. you look better and better with each passing day.

dear body -

please don't reject these piercings cause i really like them. i'll think of something nice to do for you since you are being such a good sport.

love you both (or 3, two nipples & whole body),

you mama!
dear universe:

help me get on that plane.

first i had to leave mamãe. i don't think i will ever see her -- in this body she now holds - again. help me accept that. help me staunch the tears that flow like a heart wound. i miss my mommy.

help me to stand on my own. help me to let go: of mr. hot buns, of my wonderful shreds, of my beautiful spring garden full of daffodils and pulmonaria and vinca and the most spectacular display the weeping cherry "snow fountain" has made since we planted it 6 years ago......

is it wrong that i am hoping that i can't get a seat on the plane to dc? that i would have to stay another day with my love?


i love my job. i know i am doing the right thing. i know that it will all be okay. it doesn't seem to help much today.

spending 3 days with the love of my life is almost so short as to be cruel. making him have to go in to work today because some job blew up is downright sadistic.

please take away my angst and my sorrow and my fear. help me to face life with a happy spirit.

in nomine matri, figlia e spiritu sancti,

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