Apr 28 2006, 03:21 AM
I'm going to a candle lighting ceremony next week for victims of DV. I'm a little scared. Therapy has been better but more difficult. I'm making progress but some days I just want to hide.
May 23 2006, 12:46 PM
Wow..time is flying. I can hardly belive we have almost been married a month!
Anyway, we just got back from our honeymoon Sunday night. I was away from minipixie for 10 days. Last night as I was putting her to bed she told me she was afraid that I had gone away forever like her Mimi who died last October! Talk about breaking your heart! I don't know how her daddy can go off time after time and not realize the impact it has on her. This is the first time that I have taken a vacation since I had her other than a few short 2-3 day business trips. But I am amazed that she was finally able to verbalize the fear instead of acting out!
It will definitely give me something to discuss with her therapist tonight.
And that is another piece of good news! I wasn't able to pay last time because we were so strapped for cash between the weding and the honeymoon. They left a message on my phone while I was gone that we had been given a grant and that there won't be anymore costs!
May 24 2006, 10:31 AM
That is great news pixiedust! All of it.
Jun 22 2006, 05:11 AM
Stopping Violence Against Women: Eve Ensler and Kimberle Crenshaw on V-Day, Women in Prisons and Breaking the Silence
Jun 22 2006, 10:35 AM
Oh my god! What happened to the archives?
Jun 22 2006, 11:44 AM
uh oh...another dingo attack coming on?
Jun 22 2006, 04:31 PM
well crap. all of a sudden last night i'm having sex with my boyfriend and i just keep seeing my damn abusers face! usually when i see it i can just firmly push it out or whatever, but it just kept coming back and eventually i felt awful and had tostop. i just hate it. ya know, i'm doingso muchbetter and everything, but then he can just ruin my night, yet again.
Jun 22 2006, 05:18 PM
maddy, that's a bummer!
Lemon Balm drops 6-10 drops is good for that kind of ptsd that interferes with sexuality.
Jun 22 2006, 08:46 PM
I went to a counsellor to deal with some issues i'm going through having to do with my alcoholic SIL, and my dying grandma, and my rape which occured almost 3 years ago. It was just a drop-in place but it felt really good to get some stuff off my chest and I ended up crying a bit and realized how much of a hard time I have crying in front of people even though I know it's a safe place.
We discussed that my issues of stress and such is probably connected to the assault and that I should get some one on one counselling so I'm going through a Sexual Assault Crisis Program and I feel really good about it.
Whew. I hate how stress just re-triggers everything.
Jun 23 2006, 04:05 PM
(Also, I'm very sad to see the archives gone as well.)
I was talking to my best friend last night and telling her that I'll be going through counselling and she said to me, "Do you still feel like you're dealing with that?"
I was really shocked, because I would never assume that something like this would be easy to get over even before it happened to me. I don't think she meant it rudely or presumptiously but it just reminds me of why I can't talk to my friends about it, because they will never understand.
It also makes me that much more thankful for spaces like this.
Jun 23 2006, 07:01 PM
What is Lemon Balm that you can use it as drops?
erinjane - good for you for going to therapy. One of the things I realized when I first went through training to work in rape crisis I realized that all I ever really wanted to talk about was rape and I never was able to. Now it's my 40-hours a week. In some ways it's fantastic, although it can be a little draining.
maddy - that sucks! I am glad that you were able to stop and respect where you were.
Jun 24 2006, 02:53 PM
Lemon Balm is an herb, but take it as a tincture: 6 - 10 drops.
Jun 24 2006, 06:49 PM
erinjane, some people will never understand unless it happens to them. i have come to accept that my healing is cyclical, and even though i feel healed from IT, IT will inevitably rear it's ugly head and I will have to comfort that wounded part of myself, calm her down, let her know that she is safe, and what happened was FUCKED, but it's over, and yes, it's ok to move on, when I am ready to do that.
Jun 25 2006, 06:59 AM
Well put, hummingbird.
Jun 26 2006, 12:01 AM
My therapist is leaving - the funding (already stretched) is ending this month.
Did i mention I'm getting married? In five days? And that I finally told Nova who raped me? i finally told a friend as well. Now I just need to tell mum what happened and I can make even more decisions.
I think that is what gets to me - no matter how far i go, the journey will never end. It scares me to think I'll be old and crotchety and still dealing with this.
Jun 26 2006, 07:54 AM
(((ananke))) What a time for the therapist to bail! I don't think we ever really get over the really tramatic things that happen in our lives...we just learn to live in spite of them.
Since Mr. Pixie and I got married, I have honestly been thinking more about what happened. It feels weird to be thinking about my former husband and former marriage...but I guess it is better than repressing it.
Jun 26 2006, 08:08 AM
congrats ananke-on the marriage
That's so great that you told some people-since the dang archives are gone I can't remember what your situation is-are you the one with the christian brother?
Jun 26 2006, 08:10 AM
oh update on sex: I realized that I'm still spacing out a lot, which is why I keep seeing his face. I decided to take a break from penetrative sex for a while, and focus on really being present for foreplay. Yesterday we spent an hour, just on me! I had to take breaks and breathe and stop, because I'd start to drift away or get really anxious.
So frustrating. It goes away for awhile but yep, it always pops back up. It's just another piece of work, but I'm sick of doing work!
Jun 26 2006, 12:48 PM
ananke, that's what really gets to me too, how the journey will never end. It's definatly overwhelming.
Jun 26 2006, 01:21 PM
I haven't been raped...so I am not going to pretend I know what you have been through...but I used to fantacize a lot during sex with my exhusband..I was always sort of "detached". Anyway, my last boyfriend before Mr.Pixie was very adament that I make love to "him" and not some fantasy. He made me look him in the eyes while we were making love and focus on him. It made sex a lot more intense and more intimate. I wondered if maybe doing something like that would help you from drifting to unpleasant thoughts.
Jun 26 2006, 01:44 PM
anake - it sounds like you are taking amazing strides. That is great! Congrats on the marriage. I hope the Big Day is wonderful.
maddy29 - I am glad that you are with someone who is "working" with you.
I don't think these journeys end. I think rape isn't something you "get over." But, I do belive that we can get "through," and "to the other side."
People "get over" the flu, not a brutal violation of their body and soul. But there is another side and that is what we are all working towards.
Jun 27 2006, 11:00 AM
it is similar though, it's all about actually being present during sex. lately that has been tough. for me, looking at him, saying his name, etc helps, but when he says my name, it helps a LOT! so he's going to talk more during it and stuff.
i agree-you never get over it exactly, but it doesn't always rule your life. you arne't just a "survivor" as your whole identity, you are a whole person with a past.
I gotta say, I've been working on this stuff since I was 21, and my 20's were really hard and pretty awful, but I'm a loooot better now. Just for anyone out there who's feeling like it'll never end. Yes, it'll always be there, but you don't have to live in that awful scared place all the time.
Jun 27 2006, 11:31 AM
It's like waking up from a bad dream and realizing...yes...it all happened...it all affects the present, and future....wipe the tears from my eyes and look towards the horizon...
Jun 27 2006, 11:40 AM
it's amazing, I really never thought i'd get here. i had this great therapist who totallly believed in me and my ability to get better. i thought she was full of shit! it annoyed me actually, that she was SO SURE i'd feel better. but, she was right. it took a long time and it was hell, truly hell.
But now, I get to live!!! I don't wake up thinking "incest" every day.
Jun 27 2006, 12:16 PM
NO, not everyday...today...having flashbacks....but I can still smile and have a good day...it does not consume my spirit the way it used to...
Jun 27 2006, 12:19 PM
Sorry about the flashbacks. I haven't had them for so long now. Thank god
Although I guess seeing my grandfather's face floating around while I'm having sex is kind of a flashback-gak!
Jun 27 2006, 03:41 PM
Yeah, that's a flashback alright...but there are also emotional flashbacks too...
Jul 6 2006, 01:19 PM
random question for y'all. what would happen if a huge group of survivors (like 10's of thousands) all filed charges against their rapist/abuser, etc. i mean i'm not suggesting we do that, but what do you think would happen?
i get so frustrated that this is all just pushed down by stupid stuff in the news. it's all still so taboo to talk about. and there are so many fucking criminals out there!
sigh. some days it jsut makes me a bit nuts.
Jul 6 2006, 01:37 PM
It's the great secret of most so called civilized post modern societies...
Jul 7 2006, 01:39 AM
The wedding went spectacularly well, as did the honeymoon. Only one night where I freaked out a bit (combo of a lot of things, some survivor, some just emotional exhaustion, some just broken quim).
I actually told a friend of ours as well, and it was such a shock to actually say it and be believed. He asked more questions than most people, but all in this totally trusting way. There wasn't any sense of disbelief. He knew the lingo too.
Jul 11 2006, 10:44 AM
[font=Comic Sans Ms]I just have a question for everyone.
Has anyone had to deal with date rape? Like, this may sound really stupid and I sometimes have a problem calling this "rape" even though I know it is. But, my ex bf forced himself on me, despite many pleas to stop. And then apologized afterwards and said he was "role playing" and thought I knew, even though he knew very well I didn't know. And I was really upset for a while afterwards. But it wasn't until we broke up officially that I started telling people about it, and as horrible as this sounds, I don't think anyone really takes it seriously because we were dating. He was my bf for two years and we were sexual many many times before the incident. Which is why I don't think I have any type of ptsd or anything. But, I don't want it to resurface later on and make me miserable or afraid to be intimate with people. And this happened like maybe a year and a half ago. Any input would be appreciated, and i'm sorry in advance if I shouldn't be discussing this here.
Jul 13 2006, 02:05 AM
My rape was very similar. He didn't say it was roleplaying but he did apologise. We were sexual afterwards as well.
I said no. He penetrated me anyway, knowing I didn't want him to. It was rape.
As for me, I started having big issues about 18 months afterwards, once I'd started therapy, stopped SI and got into a stable place in my life. It was also when I had to start dealing with sexual intimacy. Some women don't find it to be as much of an issue - I have and probably always will.
Being able to say it was rape is pretty much the only way to start getting through it. If you minimise it or ignore it, I think it will fester.
Jul 26 2006, 08:25 AM
yep that's rape. he raped you. no two ways about it.
i think the term "date rape" kinda sucks sometimes, cause it makes it seem like "not as bad as REAL rape" -meaning stranger jumping out of the bushes. in reality, that doesn't happen nearly as much as being raped by a friend or boyfriend or someone you know and trust. when someone you know/love rapes you, it's sooo different. there's so much more emotional trust issues that get stirred up, etc.
i had two experiences in college that are so grey and blurry, i've never known quite how to categorize them. mostly because i was so drunk and both times kinda spaced out/blacked out and then "woke up" with them fucking me. they both stopped when i pushed them off of me. so it's not like i said "no" and then they kept going, ya know? much more blurry and confusing.
well this is a super long post, but i'm having a shit ass day. i'm just so discouraged and frustrated with my stupid ass "healing journey" from hell.
i just want to move on, and i am and am trying to but something just keeps pulling me back. i had repressed memories, so my biggest issue with the incest has been denial. i made the choice a few year ago to just believe myself, even if it seems crazy, because i was practically killing myself trying to figure out if it happened, or if i'm just crazy or whatever.
but, deep down, i just don't know. i don't have access to my memories, they've come out during breathwork sessions, but they are all blurry, the time jumps around, and i'm just not sure of anything. i hate it. i wish i could go to a hypnotist and just have them get the story out of me, and tape it and transcribe it, so that i can see it when i feel doubtful.
i feel like this is really holding me back. i still feel like there's stuff locked up. i'm so frustrated with my sex life, my inability to have orgasms except with this one vibrator, in this one specific way.
i just don't know where i go from here. i've done a lot of work, and i'm in a better place (on meds, family relations healed, good boyfriend, caring friends, got rid of toxic people, stable job that pays the bills, etc).
blah. i dunno.
Jul 26 2006, 09:57 AM
I'm sorry maddy.
Is there any type of hypno therapy you can do to bring up the repressed memories? I know a friend of mine went to a therapist one time who did something like that to bring up some memories she was repressing. It sounds like it might help you.
I have to just keep telling myself that it totally was rape. I felt humilated by it, and I didn't understand it, but I didn't feel violated at the time. In retrospect, I do because it was completely unwanted, and I told him that. But immediately afterwards, I was more shocked than anything else. We had done what he had forced on me millions of times before this, why would he think he needed to force me to do it this time. I just didn't get it.
And I really don't talk about this with my friends, because I think they get slightly uncomfortable with the situation and even though they say that they acknowledge it being rape, I think they may think I over dramatize it to make it seem worse than it really is/was. And they ask me why I didn't do anything at the time, like scream or fight him away. And I say that it's because it was difficult to fight back when you're pinned face down, but as to why I didn't try harder, I don't really know...
Jul 26 2006, 10:06 AM
um, you were in shock? that's why you didn't "fight harder" i mean, you were sooo not expecting that. time goes by really fast and weirdly in traumatic situations, too. Plus you were probably scared. I hate that whole oh you could have tried more. It's not like you can think straight in a situation like that! geez. it's not all logical and rational.
Jul 26 2006, 10:28 AM
We were in an argument at his apartment and for some reason, I didn't leave. And I should have. But we were just sitting there in silence and he told me to take off my pants and I thought (very naively) that we were gonna have sex and I thought the argument was over and everything was fine. But he pushed me down and started to anally (sp?) rape me. And I told him that it hurt, cause usually he would back off, but he didn't. And I asked him to stop, and he didn't. And I was winching in pain and asked him again, but he didn't. And he asked me if I was gonna be a bitch again and I said "no" cause I thought he would stop after that, but he didn't. He didn't stop until he finished. And he told me to "clean up" and I just sat next to him as he lit a cigarette and I cried. And I asked him why he just did that and he told me that he was "role playing" and he thought I knew, even though we hadn't talked about it ever before.
But when I go back and think about it, I honestly have no idea why I didn't do more to stop it. Honestly, the thought never even occured to me to scream or kick or anything. So, in a way, as much as I wanna say I KNOW it's not my fault, I have a hard time believing it.
and I'm sorry that I just rehashed it. I don't mean to make this everyone else's problem or anything, but I don't know who else to talk about it with, cause my friends don't know what to say and I would never tell my parents.
Jul 26 2006, 10:35 AM
I personally think it is harder to be raped or abused by someone you know or love. Especially when it comes to getting people to validate your feelings. Someone on the outside just doesn't see everything that goes on. When I was going through my divorce I had a protective order against my ex. His lawyer made some dismissive comment one day in a meeting about how annoying it was to have to work around the protective order. I said, well it probably isn't half as annoying as being attacked and abused in my own home! Sh eshot back with, you weren't attacked. I looked her dead in the eye, and said, "really? Were you there? I don't remember seeing you as I was wrenching a gun out of his hand!" My lawyer almost keeled over trying not to laugh at the look on her face after that! It sure shut her dumbass up! But she's paid to defend him. A lot of friends thought I was blowing things out of proportion and "he wouldn't really hurt you" I'm sorry, but I wrenched a gun out of his hand, he threatened my life and teh life of someone else I care about to force me into the car to go somewhere. He was very suicidal and I firmly believe that at one point he planned to kill me and then kill himself.
Jul 26 2006, 10:56 AM
also, friends that don't believe you aren't really friends.
cstars i'm so sorry that happened to you:( how really really scary and confusing and just what the fuck???!!!
at a take back the night speech, this woman told us that whatever we did to survive was "the right thing to do." so, if we fought back, that was the right thing. if we didn't, that was the right thing to do. it's easy to look back and now say, oh why didn't i do xyz, but at the time, no way. whatever you did to survive it is ok. maybe he would've hurt you worse if you'd fought back more, who knows? also, it's hard to get violent with a loved one, even when they are hurting you! it's just hard!!!!
no need to apologize cstars, post whatever you want, whatever helps.
i personally would love to see this thread be much more active.
about the hypnotist thing- i've heard it doesn't work that great or it's a risk or whateve.r but, i was thinking about having my old therapist come to the sessions and observe, so that i'd feel safe, and that she could see what the hypnotist is doing, if they are leading me or suggesting, or whatever. is this just a crazy idea? i'm so fucking sick of not knowing, even though i know that knowing might kill me. gah
Jul 26 2006, 11:09 AM
I don't think it's a crazy idea. I've heard of so many people doing it. And it helped my friend a little bit, if I'm remembering correctly.
I also think that having your old therapist in the room would be an excellent idea. At least he/she'd be able to help you relax and could maybe like you said, make a transcript of what is said so you can have it.
I think it might help you, at least feel a little better having an idea of what happened so you can move on from it. If you spend the rest of your life not being sure or not knowing, then I think it can keep resurfacing and just make it worse for you in the long run.
Jul 26 2006, 02:09 PM
now i've got myself all riled up. i happened across this guy, mark pendergrast, who wrote this big ole book about how all of us incest victims are hysterical and insane. we all make things up, because we want attention and want to "hang all of our problems on incest." Of course, he is a father who was accused of incest.
so i know i shouldn't read that shit-cause it is shit, and i know it. BUT, i already struggle so much with denial and confusion, so i always feel like crap-what if they are right? although i didn't have anyone ever suggest it to me or pressure me into having a memory or anything. i just feel like punching that guy in the fucking face, because he has no idea how hard it is to have these insane memories and feel like you're completely losing your mind.
man, i'm kinda flipping out. thansk for ltetting me vent. i wrote this guy two emails. i don't know why i bothered. but his book is on the Nat'l association of social workers website, with all of these "great" reviews. I'm an MSW and it's really disturbing and scary that the NASW would allow something liek that to be publicized on their website. GRRRRR. Today I hate the fucking world and all the fucking stupid ass people whose heads are up their fucking assholes.
i was thinking this am on the bus. i was remembering this time when i was out on the boat with my grampa, and i was getting out of the boat and kinda stood up weird, so that i twisted my ankle just a bit. no big deal, it hurt a bit. anyways, when we got back from the boat, to the house where the rest of my relatives were, my grama and aunt were all "oh sit down, oh dear, let's go make you a sandwich, etc" They were waiting on me hand and foot. itw as really weird. it didn't make sense. weirdly i come back to that time now and then and wonder what it was all aobut.
i realized on the bus-my aunt and grama thought he touched me or hurt me on the boat. they thought i was upset because of that, and so they rushed to "take care of me"- cause i was the secret keeper. i got soooo fucking mad on the bus. i had a weirdly special status in that family, and i just realized why. as long as he was fuckign with me, he probably wasn't bothering the others. sick. sick sick sick.
fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck. thank god i have tomorrow off. hope i'm not totally overwhelming people on here, i'm just feeling so frustrated. like all the work i've done in the past decade-and i STILL don't believe myself? and everytime i tell someone, or share something, i get the backlash.
ha! ok-not social workers, nat'l association of SCIENCE writers. thank god! that makes me feel better that it's not being promoted by social workers!
Jul 26 2006, 02:28 PM
cstars, I deal a lot with the 'why didn't i do more' thing. Recently I took a self defense class and I was wishing that I'd had someone put me in one when I was younger. I did the same thing though, wondering why i didn't fight more or scream. I said no, and i told him to stop, i tried to push him off once too, but for a long time I felt I should have done more. Now I realize, after taking that class, I did as much as I knew how to do at the time.
Jul 26 2006, 04:22 PM
such a great point EJ! although i imagine a lot of people just freeze up anyways....
My mom put me and my sis into karate when we were young, so we could "protect ourselves against strangers" lol-kinda sad...
anyways- sorry for that big ole flip out there, i feel so muchbetter. i literally forgot that he abused my older cousin. all day it just didn't occur to me. all of a sudden, i'm like wait a minute! it's not just me, it's not just a question of am i crazy and making things up. because that happened in like, 1983 or something, and i didn't find out about it til after I disclosed my own abuse. whew. god it's amazing the way my brain works!
Jul 26 2006, 04:33 PM
Don't ever think yourself crazy maddy. I have reprerssed memories too. I have a series images that come through my mind, but it's not really the pictures, but the emotions tied to them that lead me to believe that I may have been molested when I was very young. When I was maybe 4 or 5, I was at daycare and they put all of us in this room with a guy who had one of those huge foam #1 fingers. I went Hysterical! I was flipping out so bad, I think they had to call my mom to come get me. Of course back in the late 70's early 80's everyones minds didn't immediately jump to molestation like it would today.
Eta: I almost miss the preview post section of the old lounge. I type dyslexic when I am typing fast.
Jul 27 2006, 08:31 AM
it's true, i was like 7 when it started, and that was 1983, and no one had a clue then! i mean my mom literally worried about everything. she still does. but she never worried about that, it was just inconceivable to her.
although, my mom says she was "groped" by a school janitor, and her next door old man neighbor exposed himself masturbating to her, like i guess he sat in the yard with a blanket over him and he showed her.
so i mean, it's always happened, but my mom never said anything to anyone. and then wasn't worried about it happening to me. it was all the "strangers with candy" thing back then. and we DID have that happen, i remember in like 1st or 2nd grade this guy was trolling the playgound and my chubby friend went to talkto him cause of the candy thing
i was like agh! come back, you can't go talk to him!
my friend has some weird daycare memories too. she and her much younger sister went, and they were really mean, and then she also has these weird feelings/memories/thoughts connected to it. scary
Jul 31 2006, 07:31 AM
A few weeks ago I was speaking in front of several police officers on the topic of sexual assault prevention. As I was coming at it from the perspective that the only person who could truly prevent rape was the rapist and they wanted some sort of magical word/action that an intended victim could do or say to prevent rape, it was in interesting night. At one point, one of the officers asked what advice I would give someone who had been dragged into an alley and was about to be raped. "Don't die," was my response. Every victim/survivor has a long time of questioning her/hiself about what she could have done to make things different. No matter what age the survivor was when the rape or abuse occured. It does not help that even the police look at the problem with a victim blaming mentality. By the end of that talk, I thought I was going to pull my hair out. The district chief told me that he wanted ways to know how to lower the nubers of rapes in his neighborhood. I told him clearly that I did not belive that would ever happen until he knew what the honest stats were and that wouldn't happen as long as so many police officers treated survivors with the blatent disrespect that I saw and heard about all the time at my job. Argh!
I have not been in here this thread for awhile. I have been so caught up in avoiding my own shit, that I couldn't. So, can I make a few comments about some of the stuff that has been posted here. This might become a long post.
cstars- I am so sorry that your friends have been unable/willing to validate your pain. The fact that you were sexual with this person before and/or after is not at all uncommon. You are not alone in that experience and that does not make you stupid or weak or deserving of mistreatment.
maddy29- if you ever want to get me really going on a tirade, just mention the False Memory Syndrome Foundation. Thoes people are evil and should be stopped. I don't know who Mark Pendergrast is, but I'll be looking him up now. BTW, there are some theraputic techniques similar to hypnosis (I am thinking Eye Movement Desensitization) that you might want to look into. You are much more in control that you are when hypnotized. I was very helpful to me.
annake (I hope this was you, I can't bring that part of thread up at this moment)- I am so happy that the honeymoon went so well! A few problems, but you got through it!
pixiedust - I love that you said that to the defense attny. Way to go!
As for me, I feel like I am in a very weird place. For thoes who ever wonder "How long does it take to heal?", well, I have had three rounds of therapy and I work with rape survivors for a living and I know I am still healing. The wound is huge and depsite the fact that I know I have a good life, I know that there are some parts of me that just don't work as well as I want them too. Everyday I remind myself that my pain is valid and my fumbles are just a part of this life. What worries me is that I plan on becoming a full-time counselor for rape survivors within the next year. And yet, my life is a mess in so many ways. Will that perspective make me a better counselor or a possible danger to my clients? I just don't know...
Jul 31 2006, 09:19 AM
Ok kittenb, i'll mention it-FMSF
Yep, I checked and Mark is on the board of this. I emailed back and forth with him last week. It was very disturbing, but interesting at the same time. He wanted to meet me to discuss it further. uh, yeah, that's gonna happen. Creepy really, considering he's been accused of raping his daughter (who has cut off contact with him for many many years).
He spent a lot of time trying to convince me that he wasn't an abuser. He also spent a lot of time twisting my words around, etc. He believes that there is "real" incest and then there are people like me who somehow, magically get led into believing they were abused, then recovering memories.
He couldn't quite explain to me who or what had led me into my remembering. he blamed the courage to heal for creating so many false-recovered memories and false victims. he believes that laura davis (author of c to heal) was also "led" into her memories. He says he doesn't think I'm crazy, or a liar, but that I trulyl believe these false memories.
He said that repression doesn't exist. People can forget things that don't really matter that much, but if you were abused you'd remember htat and never forget. He says science has proved these memories are false. lol. i'mm like where?
i ended the correspondence because he was clearly just so biased and trying to save his own ass. plus, the whole "lets meet and talk about your incest memories" was pretty disturbing.
whew, it's been quite a week for me. it's just so hard to trust myself.
that is so annoying aobut the cops wanting to know what else WOMEN can do to not get raped. i mean please. that's the kind of thinking htat allows so many women to be raped in the first place! GRR
Hey, do you remember when there were all these rape kits and DNA backed up in the system, just wiating to be processed, but there wasn't enough funding to do it? Is that still going on? Or has that problem been solved.
I totally know what you mean baout how long does it take to heal. kinda takes a lifetime, in some ways. i've been through two long term therapies and they helped a lot. it's just frustrating to feel like i'm back at the same disbelief as years ago! grrr....
Jul 31 2006, 09:40 AM
The DNA backlog is still a problem. The funding just isn't there. It takes so long for evidence kits to be processed. Really, unless the police have to reason to think that they know who did it, the lits are not done for a long time. Which is such a bitch b/c often when they are done, mulitple cases are found to be connected.
As for your conversation with that ass-hat, I commend you for even trying to reason with these people. It just will not happen. The FMSF was founded by the parents of a girl who remembered that her father sexually abused her. Though she approached her family in private about her memories, the parents went public. They even went so far as to send long letters to her daughters employers and tenure review board about how unstable she was and all these horrible lies. Jennifer Freyd
, the daughter, went on to become an expert in the world of repressed memories. The only reason she ever went public with her claims, as far as I understand it, was b/c her mother was attacking her, professionally. Her parents started the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, a misnomer at best
because False Memory is not
a diagnosable condition. They are just awful people and responsible for a major portion of the survivor backlash from the late 80's, early 90's. At one point, one of the most active FMSF board members was also an apparent proponant of "intergenerational relationships" as I think he called it, sex b/w adults & children. He was interviewed for the Journal of Pedophelia
(Norwegian, I think, all of my notes on this are buried in my desk.) Total NAMBLA stuff.
Aug 1 2006, 09:28 PM
Sorry to just jump in. I'm a long time lurker but now have serious anxiety about something.
My oldest (but not closest) friend just got engaged. There is no doubt I will be attending her wedding (in a year). It just hit me today that the person that raped me will also be invited. I haven't spoken to him since the incident five years ago, and although I told my friend that something bad happened, I didn't get into specifics because I didn't think it was any of her business. Only about 5 people in my whole life know and I don't want to tell her. They are close, as are a bunch of our mutual friends who will definately be going.
When I first told her I never wanted to hear about him ever again, she forgot and twice mentioned him in passing. I had to be really firm with her regarding that. She probably just thinks we had a stupid argument or something. I just felt so excited for her when I first heard the news, and then my heart got heavy thinking that he may go.
I saw him once about a year after, we were passing each other on the street. It was such a total shock that I completely shut down and hid in a doorway. He waved at me like he was happy to see me, like nothing had happened at all.
It's not for a very long time, but it still freaks me out.
Aug 2 2006, 09:57 AM
oh gumby, i'm SO sorry. that's totally sucky and unfair. my grandfather was at my sister's wedding (this was before i told everyone) and he stood behind me during the ceremony and it was awful. it totally ruined the wedding for me.
can i ask why you don't want to tell them that their friend is a fucking rapist? sorry, it just makes me so angry that he is just walking around out there la la la, and still has friends, etc. and you are the one who has to worry about it.
Aug 2 2006, 11:20 AM
gumby_cc that's a horrible position to be put in. Telling your friends does mean that they will have to take a side in the whole deal.
I don't know if you want advice or anything or if you just need to talk. Just remember, we are here to listen or help however you need.