Aug 28 2007, 11:42 PM
hi busties, i'm new here
i'm 21 and i'm terrified of being a spinster. no one would be surprised if i were just the dried up cat woman.
i over think boys. i'm still hung up on my ex-bf from over a year ago...
but, being 21, the idea that my primary social scene feels like a meat market is um, a fact. how do people just fall in love w/out contriving it?
you meet someone at a bar, hey, they're cute i think they'll do for tonight. and you wake up next to them and you say hey they'll do for a date later on, you know, i could even bring him around my friends and then you're "together" and you don't even know why. you know? anyone else go through this?
Aug 29 2007, 03:59 AM
i really hope i don't offend anyone but me personally, i wouldn't sleep with them the first night i met them. i think this is just socially acceptable today, however, it's not for me. i don't think it's slutty or anything to sleep with someone on the first night i just don't think it's a good path to a longterm relationship. I'm not saying I'd wait six months either but I'd wait till the third date or longer perhaps. I definately don't take a "they'll do" approach to anyone I contemplating being around for a long time. This all might sound very prudish (sp?) but I've been out of the "dating" scene for the last 11 years also so maybe i'm not the best person to be listening to.
Aug 29 2007, 06:44 AM
LMP - nope. that's very good advice, and taking a relationship a little more slowly is a good way to protect your emotions (as well as your body)
Aug 29 2007, 08:19 AM
ditto on the good advice from p_176 and LMP. and 21 is nowhere near a time you should we worried about being a 'spinster' or 'cat lady.' live life, enjoy youth, and it'll happen when it happens.
Aug 29 2007, 02:04 PM
QUOTE(LoveMyPugs @ Aug 29 2007, 06:16 AM)
i don't think it's slutty or anything to sleep with someone on the first night i just don't think it's a good path to a longterm relationship. ...I definately don't take a "they'll do" approach to anyone I contemplating being around for a long time.
pugs, i completly agree, which sometimes i wonder if that's my problem. i feel like no one my age is interested in doing things the "old fashioned" way. anyway, thanks for telling me i won't be a spinster, lol. sometimes that's all it takes.
Aug 30 2007, 08:37 PM
snow white - I really want to stress that I was not calling you a slut by any means. I promise that's not what I was saying. Just want to make that very clear. I totally believe that women should be able to meet someone, have great sex and be on their way. I think that is fine and I'd probably do it if I was single. However, IMO men today don't fully appreciate a woman that will sleep with on the first night they meet. That's just what I believe. Fucking hell, I waited six months before I slept with Mr. Pug (we were 14 and 16 way back then). But even today, if I were single I'd wait till I had a good, no make that great feeling about the guy. He'd have to be something special. My body is special. My heart is special and if I'm going to give it to a guy then he'd have to be pretty fucking special or really fucking hot if I wasn't thinking long term.
Good luck and I just know you will find someone for you. You'll know the second you meet him.
Aug 30 2007, 11:05 PM
no worries pugs, i knew what u ment
btw, 14 & 16, wow, way to go mr and mrs pugs
Sep 1 2007, 06:39 AM
Thank you snow white! 11 years and counting...the funny thing is it keeps on getting easier and easier...
Sep 1 2007, 08:10 AM
"i think this is just socially acceptable today, however, it's not for me."
Exactly... Remember, what everyone else thinks is crap -- you've got to do what feels right for you right now. And, what's right for you will change, so don't get stressed about that, either. If what feels right is a couple of casual relationships or encounters, that's fine, but if it feels right to be alone for a bit, no worries there, either. Maybe you could try doing stuff other than going to bars to meet people? What about talking to guys at the gym, or taking a class or something. I live in upstate as well, and I know there's not neccessarily a huge "scene" other than bars, but there are options out there.
Also, 21 is way too young to worry about being a spinster. Yeesh!
Sep 3 2007, 07:59 AM
okay, so some of you are gonna want to smack me for complaining about this, but this guy i have been dating for about three weeks is starting to scare me off because he calls me ALL the time. he's been out of town since thursday evening and he has called me EIGHT TIMES since then. he was driving back overnight last night, is due to arrive home early this morning, and was like "maybe we can get breakfast or something." dude, you just drove twelve hours and probably need to unpack, feed your cats, shower, maybe take a nap. we can hang out later, really, i'm not going anywhere. i don't want to say anything to him because i don't want it to be a "thing", and also i DO feel like an idiot for complaining about a guy who obviously likes me that much. i was with one of our mutual friends when he called me four times saturday night, so i'm kinda just hoping she teases him about it and he gets self conscious and stops calling me all the time.
Sep 3 2007, 08:37 AM
i don't think you are odd for complaining about this. it sounds like you want him to know you like him and for him just to be more secure about things. i think it is ok to let him know that he calls a little more than you are used to. and to let him know that you are interested in him. of course, if you are even comfortable with him to have that talk. but, i don't think it could hurt tellin' him that.
Sep 5 2007, 08:15 PM
i agree with star, laurenann....tell him what you like/don't like. if he likes you that much he's bound to listen and go along with your requests...... now, if only i'd listen to my own advice a bit more often....
Sep 6 2007, 08:44 PM
This is my first time posting. I think this forum rocks. I need some advice(duh). I've recently broken it off with my long term(10 years) boyfriend. We have a nine year old daughter together and I haven't moved out of his house yet. He's been working out of town for about two months and I've been workin on getting my new place set up. The last time he was home (i had already broke it off at this point) we had sex a couple of times. We have amazing sex together since we're very comfortable and know what each other likes. I'd like to know your thoughts on whether I should keep having sex with him or not and why. He does not want to break up. I am moving out in a couple of weeks but would like to continue having sex. Has anyone ever done this and had positive results?
thanks so much
Sep 7 2007, 07:08 AM
hi shycat, you should also introduce yourself in the newbies thread. seems to be the custom around here....
sorry about your breakup. if he still wants to be together, and you don't, then he may think sex means you still want a emotional relationship with him. it's probably unfair for you to string him along like that. if it was mutual that your relationship would remain sexual only, then that's a different story.
enjoy your new single freedom to meet new guys!
Sep 7 2007, 04:19 PM
hi shycat, welcome!
I have to agree with nickclick on this one. Continuing to have sex with your ex when 1) you don't want a relationship with him and 2) he still wants to continue a relationship with you may be a tricky situation to navigate and ultimately unfair to your ex. Your ex may view the sexual relationship as being one step closer to getting back together and then when it really does come time for you two to go your separate ways emotionally/sexually (e.g. you meet someone else) you risk even more hurt/hard feelings (which may be even harder to deal with given that he is the father of your child and likely to be in the picture for quite some time). Overall, I think you may receive short term pleasure but long term pain/headaches!
Sep 9 2007, 06:27 PM
I've never been able to keep having sex with an ex and have it end good...just my experience. But one person always has more feelings and that's usually the one who doesn't want it to end. Unfortunately your in the role to end it...and you should rather than make it harder and worse for you. Just my thoughts on it.
This is my first time posting in the dating area...mostly cause i'm finally dating (or at least I think I am, haha).
Here's my story, a year ago my ex and I ended our relationship for good reasons. It was the most abusive relationship i'd ever been in. I loved the guy and we dated for two years but in the last couple months our fighting became worse, his attitude toward me became worse and the abusive part became normal. I never thought i'd actually stay with a guy where the fights were that bad...until I was in it and really it was the worst but hard to leave. We had a couple fights were it got physical, he'd punch me or throw me down, i went to work with a fat lip, bruises and tried to hide them...and i did. The worst was the mental abuse, having someone you're in a relationship with tell you your dumb, your nothing, your ugly, your fat...everything possible.
Needless to say the relationship ended and i spent the last year kind of afraid to start dating again...because i just had the worst relationship and how do you tell the next boyfriend that. I've mostly gotten over it by talking with friends, realizing that my ex is a dumbass and the lowest guy in the world for ever laying a hand on me and that all the stuff he said wasn't about me. It's been tough but i'm out alive which i know is a miracle. I've had a couple one night stands, dated very casually 2 guys which were uncommittal guys so of course it was just a booty call. Before the bad guy, i had a high school sweetheart who treated me like a queen so i've been in good relationships and bad now.
Now I think I found a good guy and it's still early so i'm not sure how it'll turn out. I've known him for a year now, we play on softball together and he's always been a super nice sweet guy that everyone loves. I always thought he was cute and funny...but we never hung out outside of softball. One of my closer friends who played on the team mentioned that me and this guy aaron would be good together but i brushed it off cause i liked another guy at the time. Anyway i saw him just recently at a get together and he hugged me hello and we talked...he asked me "what i was doing after: and i wasn't sure so i said "lets go play pool" so he was all into it and asked for my phone number so I gave it to him and got his. He had to take off but he told me to call him in an hour. I ended up going out with friends to a bar and texted him a little later telling him where we were and to come join in...and he did. So we ended up hanging out at the bar with our friends. Some friends of ours noticed we were talking and being close and asked me if i thought aaron was cute and i said yes...so they were like aaron, shannon thinks your cute. They were drunk but we both laughed it off. I had a couple drinks and I think my come on line was something about "if I buy you a shot, you give me a kiss". Yeah it worked so we kissed ...haha eventually i did push him away and stop the making out to join friends with him. Although in between hanging out with friends at the bar, i'd lean over and give him a kiss. The night ended with him going home and me going home. That was thursday night.
His birthday was friday so i texted him happy birthday and he told me to come to the bar he was at. A lot of are friends are mutual from softball so I joined them and hung out with everyone celebrating his birthday. After i went over to his place and stayed the night together. In the morning he had to work so had to stop cuddling and making out. When I left him, he kissed me bye and told me to call him later and reminded me that he was leaving for a week sunday...so yesterday i called him and talked to him in the evening i invited him over to watch a movie and he said he'd call me once he was done packing. An hour later, he texted me saying he was tired and going to go to bed early. I said "give me a call when you get back into town" (he gets back friday night) and he said " he'd see me saturday".
So i'm thinking thats good...yeah i slept with him pretty early on but i do like him and the absence of sex made me want it more, haha. I told my friend who mentioned us before getting together, i told her the day after the first make out that we kissed and she was all happy and like "you guys make a great couple and could totally see us together" so that's cool someone thinks so. I like him and would like to date him if that's what we're doing or not...everything i know about him is such the opposite of what i normally like but it's the good opposite, he's a good guy. It seems like he's interested and we're both single so why not?
Sep 10 2007, 01:11 AM
everything you said sounds great. I say go for it. I think that the biggest thing here is, don't over think it. I do that all the time and it's been to the detriment of things in the past. What I've learned is, if something is good, just go with it. Enjoy the time you spend together and don't get too far ahead of things in your head, and don't worry about things (that's what I mean by over thinking) just make yourself stay in the moment and enjoy. If things are good between the two of you, and he's interested (which it sounds like he is) it will go pretty smoothly and easily. And make him do a little of the work! (but it sounds like he will..)
And don't worry about sleeping with him kinda early in the game. 1) it's not like you just met him, you've known him for a year 2) even though the general rule of thumb seems to be to kinda hold out a bit if you want to get to know a guy more than just a screw, every situation is different. I know people who've slept with their long term partners on the first date and they're going strong after years. Not to say that it's the ideal, just to say that every situation is different and don't sweat it too hard that you've already slept with him.
So.. good luck! Sounds great!
Sep 10 2007, 01:31 AM
Three cheers for the good guys!
BOO for dirtbags...
Sep 10 2007, 07:19 AM
Thanks girls...I definitely understand the over thinking part, I do that and it drives me crazy! We'll see how it goes
I'm giddy and ready to like a new guy, especially one that is good
Sep 10 2007, 07:29 AM
i know a happily married couple who knew each other as friends of friend's and started their relationship by meeting in a hotel room. maybe not the best story for their future grandkids, but it's been done.
Sep 11 2007, 05:38 PM
Hi Everyone I am new to this message board obviously :-)
But I definatly need advice. About two months ago the guy I was dating moved away so we ended it assuming it would be easier to remain friends then to try to date. We were only dating for three months before he moved anyway. Well when he left I was so much more upset than I thought I would be but I didn't say anything to him because I didn't want to seem clingly. Well he didn't try to get a hold of me much either for the first month or so, so I made myself lose my feelngs for him. But recently he has been talking to me again, saying how much he misses me and all these things that remind him of me. Now I wonder if he is interested again or if he just misses me as a "friend'. How can I ever really tell without asking!? Which is something I definatly don't want to do.......help please :-/
Sep 12 2007, 12:50 PM
QUOTE(magichour @ Sep 11 2007, 07:55 PM)
How can I ever really tell without asking!? Which is something I definatly don't want to do.......help please :-/
Um...why can't you ask him? I don't understand. If you both are friends and you used to date then why the sudden deterioration (sp?) in communication? How can you want to get back with someone who you can't even talk to openly? Of course...as always...that's just my opinion.
Sep 12 2007, 12:57 PM
I was going to say the same thing, pugs... magichour, why don't you just lay it out and ask him if he wants to date again (or in this case, pursue getting to know each other long distance and all that that entails) or if he just wants to be friends. You are 50% of this equation, and it sounds like things were pretty clear cut before he moved away, so there is no reason for you not to ask.
Sep 12 2007, 01:26 PM
i agree...... open communication is the basis for all good relationships!
Sep 12 2007, 06:09 PM
Alright, I've spoken briefly of this relationship in the past, but there's this guy who I'm head over heels for, but we just cannot be together for now. It'll be some months until we can.
He's so sweet to me, and he says he likes me as much as I like him, and I do believe him.
But he's dating other girls. And he tells me about it. I suppose I want to know, cause if he wasn't telling me, I'd be wondering, which would be just as bad.
But everytime he tells me, I get so depressed and sad... It's awful. I just found out about a date he's got next week, and it's tearing me up.
I don't know how to deal with the jealousy. It hurts me sooo badly. I just don't know what to do...
Sep 12 2007, 06:10 PM
Sorry for the double post : (
Sep 12 2007, 07:31 PM
Well I did send him a message (because thats how we have been talking since hes been away) telling him how I feel...I'll let you know how it goes! Thanks for the advice everyone...:-)
Sep 15 2007, 07:37 PM
pink - is this guy an "open relationship type" of guy? likes and dates all he can get? i dunno but if he likes you and is nice but doesn't want to DATE you then is it worth hanging around? i know how much it can suck to have a crush on someone who doesn't crush back, but maybe it isn't worth it? anyway, my penny's worth... good luck
Sep 16 2007, 09:28 AM
No he isn't like that at all. I know he does like me. It's just there's this obstacle in the way of us being together right now. I've always kept really quiet about it around here. We can't date for a while...
Snarky. I love you. *laughs*
Sep 16 2007, 02:44 PM
i understand obstacles, pink, and it sounds like yours must be especially difficult - sorry!
magic- any response to your message?
and, if i may, i'd like to add to this post...i've been more officially dating my guy for just a few weeks - and things are progressing nicely, maybe too nicely? i totally crushed on him at the beginning, and a little of that has worn off, but he's so sweet - i love to spend time with him - he's great with snarkyboy - i miss him when he's gone - he makes me hot sometimes just by giving me "that look" - but i just still can't let myself "believe" he could be it for me?
to catch everyone up, i'm less than a year divorced and had my "rebound" guy right away. for some reason, even though this man is fabulous, i can't seem to let myself be happy? any others have this happen to them?
Sep 16 2007, 10:57 PM
hello! It's been a long time since I've been on this board..! I was a newbie a long time ago
Snarky: I was in a similar situation; after a long period of dating guys who would suddenly disappear, I got used to it and just assumed that it would always be that way. Then I met a genuinely nice guy and I felt that it was too good to be true! It's difficult to start trusting someone again. I just consciously decided to just relax, not over-think things and enjoy the situation... there is bound to be some sort of conflict eventually (see below!)
I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year, of course things were great at first (see above!), but now I think something is wrong. He seems pissed off/exasperated with me all the time, and almost always finds something wrong with everything I say. At first I thought he was stressed out since he works incredibly hard, but he is happy and outgoing when he's with friends. I feel lucky if we have sex once or twice a week (I would prefer once or twice a day!) I don't think he'd be physically affectionate at all if I didn't initiate anything...I don't really know how to talk to him about this. We never discuss our relationship; he is a very logical, rational person, and I never really learned how to talk with significant others (my parents were/are completely passive-aggressive & manipulative with each other.) I think I'm afraid to talk to him because I always try to avoid conflict and have trouble expressing myself. Any advice or suggestions?
Sep 16 2007, 11:18 PM
LL-girl, your situation sounds like it definitely needs to be addressed if you want to save your relationship. I suggest writing him a letter. Once you do that, then you can decide if you feel like confronting him in person with your sorted-out feelings, or giving him the letter to reflect on in his own time.
*goes back to being a lurking single gal*
Sep 17 2007, 05:59 AM
LL-girl, I agree that a letter might be a good idea just to get your thoughts in order as it sounds like some of the relationship difficulties you are describing have snowballed from one area of the relationship and are affecting others (e.g. your sex life). I suggest trying to mull things over and pinpoint the 'issue' that you believe to be most important for the relationship and begin with that (because confronting a partner with several issues may be somewhat overwhelming).
I empathize with your feelings about wanting to avoid conflict (I was guilty of that for several years); however, I feel that you did a wonderful job expressing yourself/your feelings here on the board and if the relationship is worth salvaging then both you and your significant other need to find a way to successfully communicate about the relationship and relationship issues.
Sep 17 2007, 03:41 PM
Well everyone..I have talked to him about how I feel and he has said he feels the same. We both want something with eachother but don't want to make anything official until we see eachother again. Which is 11 days aways :-/. Now I am just worried about actually seeing him, I can't imagine seeing eachother will change the way we feel now. But I am terrified. And I want so badly to talk to him about what a long distance relationship will entail, that if he wants to do this he has to be 100% sure and totally dedicated to it..but he says he can't be sure until he sees me again....
I don't know..what does everyone think?
Sep 17 2007, 04:40 PM
I think that there is something to be said for being able to look into the other person's eyes, spend a little time with them, in person, to help you to know that yes, you want to be with THEM, not just what your mind is making them into - or remembering of them. Frankly, I'd be suspicious if he said right now "I want to be with you and make a 100% committment to it" without having seen you for awhile. Sounds to me like he wants for you to see each other in person before either one of you make any committments, and I think that bodes well.
as for you, DON'T PSYCH YOURSELF OUT! don't get too inside your head about seeing him, or it WILL get weird. Just take it easy. Find things to do with friends, etc It won't take your mind off it completely, but it WILL preoccupy you and fill your time. and trust that it WILL be ok.
Also, I'd say to remember that you are 50% of this equation, so think about what YOU want. Start to get in the mindset that when you hang ou with him, that not only is he checking things out with you, seeing how you relate in person - YOU are checking that out, too.
Keep in touch with him prior to seeing him, but don't get too heavy on the phone, IM etc. Just keep it normal conversation and light. And when you see him, STAY IN THE MOMENT. Just appreciate seeing each other right then. Nothing more, Nothing less. If you get too ahead of things in your head, that is a recipe for disaster. Just stay in the moment and enjoy. Everything else will fall into place.
Sep 24 2007, 10:13 PM
LL - how goes the letter? did you talk to him? your situation is exactly what keeps me from totally trusting my own relationship. please tell me you have been working thru it!
& magic...closer to your "magic hour" - lol! good luck!
Oct 4 2007, 05:25 PM
double post, my apologies.
Oct 4 2007, 05:26 PM
well, i'm in high school, so this is a typical "should i (not) make a move" problem. he's extremely smart, fairly good-looking and an interesting person overall. i don't know him very well, but i've talked to him over facebook and in my classes. i want this "aquaintanceship" to go somewhere, but i'm way too chicken to ask guys out. (i've had horrible experiences with that). ¿me pueden ayudar?
Oct 4 2007, 08:19 PM
Girl, if you want it, go for it!
That's the best advice anyone can give you. Try just asking him on a group outing with some of your friends, or something, and then you can work your way up to just you two. *nods* It's an awesome way to get to know him, and really fun.
Don't let past expierences ruin what could be a great relationship!
Oct 8 2007, 10:08 AM
raw, take it from me, the regret you feel for NOT going for it lasts a LOT longer than the embarassment of rejection (which you will later feel as bravery, and practice for the next time.) let us know how it goes.
Oct 13 2007, 11:15 PM
Okay so I've started turning to this site for advice since my bestfriend lost her mind a little. I need help again. I've been "dating" the same guy for almost 3 months however we've only gone on like 10 dates. We talk a lot but only when he isn't MIA sometimes he wont answer his phone or call for a couple days. He has also stood me up, cancelled the date the day of, at least 5 times all with very good excuses. Well, just when he had convinced me that he was going to start being more attentive he found out his very close relative has terminal cancer, thus creating the same type of MIA behavior again. The thing is I've confronted him about this and basically given him an out and he assures me that he is really into me and that he wants to keep dating me its just that he is going through a lot. Okay so obviously he sounds like a HUGE douche but I really like him! In fact when I first start dating him Iwas overwhelmed and felt like he could be "the one". Any advice will help, thank you!
Oct 14 2007, 09:11 AM
polintern- Do you think he could just actually be going through a lot right now? I know that when my best friend's father's cancer went into the final stages, she didn't have time for ANYTHING.
Are his excuses valid? What did he say when he stood you up?
The thing that would bother me the most would be his not answering his phone. Does he return your messages?
It might just be a problem of timing, if he really is into you.
Oct 14 2007, 04:47 PM
polintern, I think that his family member having cancer is a huuuuge deal and would definitely be eating up all of his time. Just this summer my cousin had major surgery and it ended up with tons of complications, additional surgeries and some very negative stuff (her needing a ventilator and a feeding tube). Her immediate family was constantly at the hospital and the rest of us were always on the phone or sending emails and trying to find out exactly how she was doing.
That wasn't even with a terminal disease so it totally makes sense that this family member's cancer would be taking up all of his time. It's difficult but there's not much you can do about it.
Oct 17 2007, 07:13 PM
I'm just the biggest pussy in the world, aren't I? I don't think internet peoples realize how scared I really am to go up to a guy and make a move.
Oct 18 2007, 08:23 PM
Oh, and I hate to double post, but he's a jerk, too. I just completely un-crushed on him today.
Oct 25 2007, 11:43 PM
hi ladies, i'd love to hear your feedback about something:
i've been dating this guy for about 5 weeks. we like each other a whole lot (in fact, he recently told me he's falling in love with me), see each other maybe 5 days out of 7, are sexually exclusive, and things are generally nice, fun, smooth sailing. he's asked me to be his girlfriend but i'm holding off for now, for a couple of reasons. some of those reasons are commitment issues/ baggage, but one of the reasons is really pretty simple:
we don't have good conversations. we chit chat about random stuff, tell each other what sort of day we had, joke around... but it doesn't feel like we're ever talking about things that we really CARE much about. we don't have the kind of deep *intellectual* and *emotional* conversations that i have with my girlfriends or my better male friends. and that kind of conversation, that stimulation, and that feeling of getting to really KNOW each other on an authentic (and cerebrally engaging!) level, is super important to me.
so the question is, how do i create that kind of conversation with this guy? i've tried asking him questions about things that i'd like to know about him, and he answers them cordially-yet-briefly-- it ends up feeling more like an interview, and ends when i run out of questions on the topic. i've talked a bit about things that are important to me, but he never really takes the conversation onward-- he'll listen to my comment(s) politely and acknowledge them with a word or two of reaction, but it stops there (i don't want to go off on a monologue!). and honestly, i think i'm the only one who feels dissatisfied with how we talk (or don't).
so do i bring this up with him? tell him that it's really important to me to have long discussions where i end up feeling like i've learned more about him, about myself, about the world? (if so, how do i do that without making him insecure thinking that he's boring me?) or do i not tell him the problem, and just find some way to try to coax him into more stimulating talk? or do i just chalk it up to us not being compatible and decide to take-it-or-leave-it? i don't want to stop seeing him, because we click really well and are super fond of one other. we seem emotionally quite compatible, and he's a genuinely kind person. but if things keep going at this rate, i see myself growing more and more frustrated and bored, and less interested in him. i don't want that to happen, and somehow i don't think i'm the first woman in the world to be really really fond of a man who she can't talk with all that well. so if anyone else has been in this type of situation, or has some ideas about it, i'd love to hear your feedback about how to talk better with your man
thanks in advance for any tips or reactions.
Oct 26 2007, 05:41 AM
octinoxate - I can relate to what you're saying, because it's really important to me to be able to have really comfortable conversations with a guy. In fact, I think pretty much across the board, the way things started with all the guys that I've ever been interested in was by us getting into a big long deep conversation and it being really comfortable and easy. So yeah, that would be difficult for me...
something that I've done with guys before that is fun and helps a bit is that there are books that are "questions for couples" I think there is one that's got like 1000 questions - a few of them are online books, you can google them. All different kinds of questions, from "what is your favorite candy" to really deep personal stuff. You could tell him that you found this cool book and thought it would be fun to use it to get to know each other better. Make sure you're not the one picking and asking all the questions - for example, you pick a question, then after that discussion, he pick a question. ...just kinda sit together and each pick questions to ask each other - that way he's involved, and it's like a game, lighthearted. Make it a deal to pick / ask each other how ever many questions you decide on, each time you see each other. Maybe make a deal to get through the whole book, no matter what the question.
This has always been a fun way for me to get to know someone (and one another) and opens the door for more discussion... and it would maybe make it less pressure than if you came right out and said you wanted to have deeper conversations.. maybe it would involve him more in a non-pressure way that would lead to more / deeper discussion.
Also - some guys are just not talkers. Or it could also be that he just needs to warm up more to you. I know that 5 weeks seems like quite awhile, but in the general scheme of things, it is still not a long time. maybe he's kind of a 'late bloomer' when it comes to conversation and just needs to get more comfortable. I guess I'd give the question thing a go, then give it some time, before I had an actual talk with him about it. it seems like it might be a bit early in the game to hit him with a big discussion about it.
it's a tough one, thought, because that is a really important thing for me, too. I seriously don't think I could be in a relationship with someone that I couldn't really easily sit and just converse with about anything at more than just face value.
I don't know if that helped, but I hope it gets better, you seem to like this guy a lot!!
Oct 26 2007, 06:25 AM
Yeah, I also think that it is something that may come with a bit more time. When I first started dating my beau about 6 months ago, I felt the same way (and I posted on here about it, too). I felt attracted to him, fond of him, sure that he was a great guy and that the feelings were mutual... but somehow I wasn't so sated by our conversations. I knew there must be something under the surface- he has great taste, is a good artist, seemed intelligent, etc. And of course there was, and the conversations got better (thank maude, because we're now in a low-distance relationship).
This can happen when you begin seeing someone, like them, and are seeing a lot of them, but are still getting to know them. The chemistry might be great but maybe he's still not fully comfortable, or you simply haven't found your groove in that area. I know it can make me uncomfortable when people ask me certain kinds of questions, especially when it seems like they're seeking my opinion and might judge me on it (not that I'm completely unopinionated, but I see a lot of gray areas in everything and I also don't really follow current affairs, so if someone I really liked asked me those kinds of questions, I might feel nervous and be curt).
I agree with Zoya, questions are key, although it sounds like you've tried that. I like the kinds of questions that can open up both people to talking about personal experiences. One recent conversation I had with my boyfriend was about what we thought about sex when we were kids, whether our parents had "the talk" with us or if we ever heard or saw them doing it. It was a funny and intimate conversation, yet not too touchy (not like talking about sexual experiences we had as teenagers or adults, which we haven't really done yet). And the whole conversation stemmed from a joke article from The Onion that we were laughing about. Another fun topic might be "worst job you ever had." Nearly anyone would have some kind of funny story. Those kinds of conversations can reveal intellect and emotion, without feeling pressured to try to be intellectual or emotional in your answer (does that make sense?).
Don't chalk it up to incompatibility yet. If it keeps going on though, I would talk to him about it, in the gentlest way, saying what you said: that good conversation is important to you and you want to get to know him on a deeper level.
Oct 26 2007, 03:51 PM
Thanks a lot for your input, zoya and edie. What you say makes a lot of sense... I'm going to pick up one of those question books (I've narrowed it down to a couple on amazon) and just give it time. I'll report back with any success
Oct 31 2007, 11:25 PM
hey octinoxate - hoping you've been able to add some zest to your relationship with conversation! anyway, i wanted to add a couple thoughts to what zoya and edie already said (very fabulously i might add). I'm in a semi-new relationship where I can actually talk to him - this is new for me (coming from a relationship where i never said anything nor what i did say actually mattered to him - bah)... I can say that conversing is a tough thing - questions are good to get started, but sometimes you reach an end. It will ebb and flow depending on the littlest things. Beware the terse answers from him - that's a sign to be cautious if proceeding...and in experience even from tonight, just tell him what you are thinking! Let that random thought in your brain be a great start to a conversation...or a great start to an argument (yay for me...not).
Anyway, good luck!