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Stacy Wayne Gacy
(I deleted my own post... would've deleted it completely but system seems to disallow this).

I wish I had some good advice for you - but that is a tough situation. I definately wouldn't act mean - you want him to like you, not some character.

I'm 50/50 on the sleeping with him thing. I had one boy in college that was supposed to be a 'just sex' relationship and we both understood that and then he wanted to date me but completely screwed me over (it turned out he wasn't as broken up with his ex as he led me to believe). I always wondered why he bothered dating me and treating me so badly when we could have just been having sex as the original agreement. I think those just sex relationships are hard to keep your emotions out of... but then, if it is fun why not?

Sorry, not much help - it's a hard situation.
Ok so I have my first nag about my current boyfriend. The funny thing is that, I could care less about this issue when I was dating someone that I wasn't particularly emotionally invested in. But now that I really like someone, I feel like I'm turning into "that girl". You know... that naggy girlfriend who just wants to know when she's going to see you next and make plans. Thats typically not me. And I'm not sure why, or if I should even be apologizing for being that girl. Maybe it's normal.

And I should be clear- I have not yet said anything to him about this. And maybe that's just because I dont want to nag about something that I really shouldnt be nagging about. But here's what irritates me. Plans... we know that we both have the weekend free to spend together. I personally want to spend the whole weekend with him, since our free weekends are so rare. But I wouldnt be mad if we didnt. I just want to know what he expects so that I can make my own plans if I need to. One night earlier this week he said something about dinner and drinks on Friday night. I thought he would call me last night to finalize those plans - what time, where, are you picking me up or are we meeting? You know. But no call. In fact, the only real contact I've had with him since has been in the form of very shallow emails throughout the week.

I got an email at 11 last night that he had forwarded to me about going to listen to a band with a group of his friends. Normally that would be great. But I'm already kinda pissy because he's waiting until the last minute to plan something with me. I mean, I completely expect a phone call to follow up on our conversation earlier in the week, not just a forwarded email with no new text, or his usual... "what are we doing tonight?" email sent at 4.30. So I just responded with a question mark. Afterall, I'm not even entirely sure this is an invitation.

Like I said, before I would not care about sponteneity. But I really like this guy, and I thought we were on the same page there. I just really don't like the laid back... she'll be there when I'm ready attitude.

Ok so line me out, girls. I can take it! Am I being unreasonable? Or am I just not adjusting well to a role-reversal?


Seriously though- I hate to even complain about this because, other than this.... no problems.
i would be the same way here. i would want to know if i should be making my own plans or not. i think the best thing is to make your own plans and if you are available when he wants to do something - great! if not, say "oh, i didn't know you wanted to do someting together, i would love to but i made plans since we didn't have any" maybe he will get that he should not expect you to be at his beck and call for plans. good luck.
Okay so I barely ever posted and I have rarely been on here but I need some advice or just some wise words I suppose. I am only 18 years old and going to be a senior in high I suppose I am still very young. But regardless of this I started dating a boy about a month ago, he is going away to college in about a month. Before we started dating we had a conversation about how we would "break up" when he goes away. Which was fine at the time but now I really like him, so I brought the subject up to him again. We both decided that we would end it when he leaves the first time and if the feelings remain by the first time he comes back we will stay together and try a long distance relationship. The advice I need is do you think this is a good idea...and should I let myself like him even more or kind of cut my emotions off so I don't get hurt if we end up completely cutting it off?
Arrie...hmm. I'm one year ahead of you, so I know a whole lot of people in this situation right now. My best friend was in a very similar situation last year, and she and her boyfriend ended up staying together and are still together now. However, I also know a lot of people who have broken up because of this same challenge.

The thing that worries me in your post, although I could easily be way off base, is that it sounds like he wants to have no strings attached when he arrives at college, and that could lead to you getting hurt. On the other hand, it could also lead to him realizing you're the girl for him, or you realizing he's not the guy for you.

In any case, cutting off your emotions won't help as far as I can see, because then there's really no point in the relationship anyway.

Good luck! I wish I could give you more specific advice, but every couple is really different.
arrie - i agree with star about the fact he doesn't want a relationship. silly thing to say but you are young yet, and the water is deep tongue.gif

reading further - edie, about your guy and his "girl" - trust your intuition - if things are smelly, figure out why - you deserve to know more about them and their relationship, especially if he's really into you.

now, i have a question for the do you ask a guy you hardly know about his past relationships? i've met a thirty-five-plus, straight, single, great guy and he knows a bit about my past.... i don't know much about his. he mentioned something about living with a girl, but how do i break further into that topic without being too blatant?

thanks all!
ooh, snarky, moving into the DATING advice thread! i don't know, though. maybe he's a chatty drunk? most of the guys i've dated i met through friends, so i got the dirt through them, you know?
laurenann, let's keep my thoughts to the "general relationship" tag - not dating, might want to tho tongue.gif

we don't have friends in common, so i need another plan...thoughts? smile.gif
Stacy Wayne Gacy
QUOTE(snarky7 @ Jul 23 2007, 08:28 PM) *
laurenann, let's keep my thoughts to the "general relationship" tag - not dating, might want to tho :P

we don't have friends in common, so i need another plan...thoughts? :)

My experience has been that when a guy "casually" drops mention of another woman in his life into his conversation, while showing interest in me, it's his way of plumbing my tolerance for his infidelity (or his intention to continue dating as many women as he wants). It's similar to how many women (sorry) seem to want, early on, to gage a guy's willingness to commit.

Why not just ask him, straight out, "are you involved with anyone else right now?" Explain that you're asking not b/c you want any kind of commitment from him, but b/c your own code of ethics prohibits you dating someone who's already seriously involved with someone else (if that is, indeed, the case). Tell him you're not a poacher & prefer free range. Seems to me that he gave you license, if you needed it, to ask that as soon as he mentioned this chick. It's not like you were prying.
thanks, stacy - i doubt he's involved. it was a "used to" comment when he dropped the subject into conversation. besides, as a neighbor, i see just about all the people he possibly ever has "over" - which are few... and mostly boys. i guess i just need the nerve to just ask...that's what i lack. i guess i'll go home, have a shot or two of courage (whiskey) and maybe that will do the trick. thanks again!
Thanks for your input on my situation, snarky. However, it's kind of a non-issue at the moment, as she's now in a different city, and everything's good with us, so I've decided not to mention it...

As for your problem, I've been feeling the same way about my boyfriend. I know who a few of his exes are, but don't know the details. I'm curious about certain things, like why certain relationships ended or how long they lasted. When he dropped it into the conversation would have been a good time to find out a bit more. That's happened a few times in my relationship, except I always neglect to ask what I want at the time and regret it later. Of course there are always lots of questions going through my head, but I always opt for asking too little rather than too much. Certain questions aren't always relevant or helpful (i.e. what does she look like?), and because I've been trying to be "good" in this relationship (secure and communicative) I've just been letting him tell me what he wants, which isn't much.

Maybe he wanted you to ask about her when he brought it up? Then again, he could have elaborated, or given you some info when you talked about your past. If it's going to eat away at you you have to ask, just don't pry too much. Good luck!
i'm glad to hear things are improving, edie - helps when the "direct threat" (or maybe indirect) is more out of the picture. smile.gif

I'll definitely plan to bring it up a bit, you are right, maybe he wanted me to ask...or i hope he does anyway. i'll have to plan in advance maybe how many questions to ask...three? five? more? so i don't sound so nosy... i'm really just curious. i don't think there's anything to be concerned with...just hoping it is appropriate conversation for a guy i'm not dating, just "into" if you know what i mean.
I feel like I am coming to this conversation from either the wrong perspective or the wrong age (same thing, possibly) or something, but I had to respond. It seems so strange to me that any ex should be seen as a threat, or that information about the former love life of someone I'm interested in would be "dirt" ... I mean, if I am interested, then what made that person who they've become should seem positive to me - no ... ??

I'm well beyond 35, and have been in a relationship with kog3100 for nearly five years. Even now, we still share "new" information about old relationships, even about his ex wife, with whom he has two children -- and it's interesting on both sides, never squick-inducing. He probably set the tone for that, too, with active inquisitiveness about what went into making me the woman he's so excited to be with. And he still seems to feel that way, though one might have thought we'd have exhausted the subject some years ago.

Is the question really "how many people have you fucked?" (which will tell you nothing), or is it "how do you feel about women in general, how do you feel about me, how do you feel about sex?" ... ?

My advice is, if you're interested in the man, it is absolutely natural (and usually flattering to the object of your attention) to *show* interest in his past -- and nothing to apologize for. So why should showing interest be a tricky thing ... unless your reasons for asking are negative for *you*? Look inward before inquiring elsewhere, and ask what your own expectations are. I think if you do that, you'll find that any conversation will resolve itself more naturally.

I've never posted in a mating game thread.....

Edie and Snarky, I'm with Maimy on this one. In a healthy relationship there should be no reason why you can't ask your partner about their previous relationships. It's not being nosey, it's getting to know who they are as a person. And it's definitely not the # of partners (who cares unless it's in Wilt Chamberlain territory?) , but rather, the nature of the relationships and why things didn't work out in the end.

You would obviously have to be as open if you expect your partner to feel comfortable. There doesn't have to be "the talk" to discuss these things because I've been able to do this in casual conversations without the guy feeling like he is all of a sudden under a microscope. If you tell him about your past relationships and he remains quiet and closed, then maybe there is something wrong. If he went through hurtful relationships, it would be a chance to give him support and listen -- maybe it would bring you guys closer if you showed you care. Guys in general don't dwell on things especially if things don't go well. A real man wouldn't feel threatened to be open/honest.

I tend to get proactive when something is bothering me in a relationship because I feel uncomfortable being in the dark and can't seem to go on without resolving issues. I make it a point to ask my guy whatever question I have at the moment (in a nonthreatening way) and I find that I actually get answers that ease my mind. It would drive me nuts to be always guessing what is going on in his head.

My sister is the opposite of me. She is always trying not to sound "needy" so she never brings up things that bother her with her guys. She avoids what she calls "the dreaded talk" because guys don't think it's cool and so she lets things eat away at her. Doesn't want to leave herself vulnerable I guess. She's 25 and she's got a lot to learn.... I've got 5 years on her.

She may have learned her lesson in her last relationship which ended a month ago. She and her guy really hit it off and had a great time on every date but then days would go by without a word from him. He would never invite her out while she would always invite him out with her friends. He would never make weekend plans with her (he was always out surfing/"hanging" with his buddies) . All a mystery to her because when they were actually together, he would tell her how crazy he was about her, cook for her, take cool tango classes with her. He was funny, charming, cute.... but she wouldn't hear from him for days on end. She refused to bring this up and ended up dating him for 6 months before she even got a clue that they didn't want the same things. She finally broke up with him, ripping him into a million pieces, letting out all the frustration and anger she felt. The guy didn't know what hit him because she had never brought any of this up before.

So, lesson learned: put your cards on the table when you have real feelings for someone and never walk around with burning questions ..... only makes you more insecure. No guy is worth it.
Ok so, at different times he has said.....

I like you.

I really like you.


Do you know that I REALLY REALLY REALLY like you?

How many reallys can we add before it becomes ~I love you? Or maybe it's ~I'm in love with you? I've always had the rule of thumb that you should NOT say it unless and until you feel like you will burst if you do not. I can't say it with 100% confidence yet. But it's something that I've been thinking about a lot. Do I or Don't I? If I do, then Why?

Just out of curiosity, how long did you wait, in your current relationship, before dropping the L bomb? I know there is no right or wrong answer. I think we are both kind of feeling it. But we are both still very damaged from previous experiences, that we are admittedly gun-shy. And saying it feels really scary and overexposing, even if you may mean it.

Any thoughts out there?
yummy: the big L word is scary. the ex-hub relationship, he said it within 2 weeks of really meeting me - scared me off at first, then i warmed up to the idea..toward the end we said it moreso cuz we had to, then it stopped having any meaning....

last bf was quick one too, but we'd known each other for about 4 months before he said it - however, we broke up too.

i think i'll be gunshy on the i love you's in the next relationship, but maybe you can see why? smile.gif

i can say i think the timing doesn't matter, so long as it feels right.... good luck!
wow, i had not actually thought about how long it too me to say "i love you" similar to snarky, the ex-hub said it right away and then we got married right away. but hey, like it said . . . ex. with my next relationship, i was kinda sinical and basicly said poo poo oh love and go for a good time and that should keep me happy. i said it but it never had intensity. then when i met mr. shiny i liked him sooo much i really want ed to take it slow because it was really intense from the start. (i have never had my heart totally broken but i know full well that with mr. shiny, he could if he were to leave, which i have no worry of, but this is the first relationship i have had that i feel like i have given everything to) so i did not say i love you till 6 mo. into the relationship and i was soooo sure or it that i felt like it was coming out my pores and that i might say it in my sleep. and all i can say now is i truely love him crazy much!
i think we were about 5 or 6 months into our relationship. i remember wanting to say it but i was always questioning the timing. we went on vacation for a long weekend and he was being so sweet and i was thinking how comfortable i am with him, so i thought - i should tell him, but what if i'm only feeling this way because i'm happy on vacation? the same scenerio after sex or anything else fun. then one day soon after we're driving and chatting and laughing about something who knows what, and he just says it after a hearty laugh. like he wasn't building up to it, all pondering and stuff like i had been.
He just said "I love you" last night on his sofa. I being the most dramatic of the two of us had to pick the perfect place: I picked a beach. It happened to be the Oregon coastline. Yet, I didn't say it really until I felt I meant it. I said it first, months ago. Last night, I was just sort of shocked and still am that he said it.

awww... your stories are so sweetsy like a scoop of vanilla ice cream on hot pecan pie!

I'm wondering if it may slip out of "bruce leroy" soon? He keeps telling me how amazing I am, how much I rock, etc.

He's great, too. truly... I know we have our insecurities regarding the move, though. We may hold back. I wonder if that's why a tiny portion of me is holding back.

BL is so great.... he's gone for a whole week. blargh. miss em already.
Oh and I've always wanted to go to Oregon!

nickclick----this may be how it actually may go down with us... the slip-out with ease kinda way.

I wish memories of how my ex and I did it would not even friggin cross my mine.... damn.

No worries on that though... just a flash.
okay, mr.nick and i are having little spats about money already.

we're looking for an apt. to share. right now i'm squatting at his place, but it's too far from my work, and too small besides. so we're looking for a place to stay for about a year or two, at which time we're hoping to buy a house. while he understands why i don't want to live at his place, and he gave notice and everything, he loves the place and i feel guilty that i'm dragging him out of his home.

so here's the dilemma - i'm okay with a clean 1 BR with some extra storage, which 1/2 of rent of such a place i'm financially equipped to pay. he wants more space, lots of storage, and a backyard. those places are more expensive, and if i'm gonna pay my other bills and save some loot for a future mortgage, i'm not willing to splurge.

is it shitty of me to expect him to pay more than 1/2 the rent then? the feminist in me doesn't like that i can't pay my fair share. it's not like i'm trying my man to get me some big fancy place. but he's the one who wants more, right? believe me, i'll enjoy the extra space. and he does also make about $15,000 more a year than i do.

ugh, it's starting to stain our 'yay our first place together' excitement.
nickclick - I have a couple of friends who live with thier S.O. and have a pretty big difference in salaries. What they've both worked out with thier partner is this:

they've figured out what ratio they make to each other... for example, say one person makes $50,000/year, and the other makes $25,000/year. All together, that is $75,000. So the person making $25,000/yr is making 1/3 of the couple's total income for the year. Thus, that person pays 1/3 of the rent, the person who makes the higher amount pays 2/3 of the rent. Basically the portion of the rent paid by each person is equal to the percentage of their part of their total yearly income.

There are all sorts of ways to break it down, but for the couple of friends of mine who have this issue, this way seems to work pretty well, because it's strictly based on the numbers: the portion of the the rent that each person pays, pretty much makes the same percentage of a dent in their respective incomes. Then if one person gets a raise, they go back and figure it out again - they re-adjust what each person pays.
Zoya said exactly what I was going to say.
I think it seems quite reasonable. It's definitely worth discussing, anyway.

I hate to be selfish and deter the subject, but I've got a bit of a juvenile problem and I'm not sure what to do. Before my boyfriend Jack and I became exclusive, he was seeing other women (just as I was seeing other guys, so don't worry, he's not a total jerk). Our open relationship quickly turned out to be problematic, jealousy became an issue, and we decided that we cared about one-another too much not to commit. Our exclusive relationship has since been absolute bliss. I adore this guy, and I have complete confidence in the fact that he adores me, too. Unfortunately, where my "Others" have been mature and accepting of my new relationship status, his "Others" are (for lack of a better word) total bitches! Two girls in particular (and best friends to one-another!) are actively and publicly defaming my character and pursuing Jack. At first I was unphased. It seemed rather childish, and I knew neither of them posed a threat. Jack laughs and assures me that there's nothing to fear. If he were still interested in other women, he would not have been so adamant about making our relationship exclusive. He even encourages me to step up my game and let them know who's boss. "Betty and Veronica," however, are aggressive and annoying. They post flirtatious comments on Jack's Facebook wall so that I'll see them, and one even groped him when we all "coincidentally" met up at a bar downtown. Even Jack's friends have told these girls not to go fishing in another woman's pond, but the cattiness continues. I even heard that their mutual adoration for MY boyfriend is causing a rift in their friendship!
Reacting to their viciousness will only drive them harder, but rolling over and letting them mess with my relationship doesn't seem right, either. Jack's got a point, I DO have to stake my claim, but it feels like middle school all over again! Can't we all just be adults about this?
Here's the real question: How can I let these girls know to back off in the best way? Is there some kind of art to being a subtle bitch, so that they'll wander elsewhere?
I still can't even believe this is a problem at all. They're 22 year-old women; you'd think they'd have more important things to do than chase a taken man.
Advice, anyone? I'll be eternally grateful.
Typewriter, you can't let it show that they affect you. You must believe that they are not a threat, and if you don't, then as my mom says, "fake it til you make it." If you pay them any mind it'll just encourage them.

That said, I find it worrisome that your Jack finds it all amusing. I'm not familiar with Facebook but can't he delete unwanted comments? If he can and does not it seems as if *he* wants you to see them as well. And if my boyfriend said it was my job to fight other women off him, I'd tell him to go to hell. But that could be just me.
Typewriter, I'm with GB: it's your boyfriend's job to ask these women to respect the relationship. Not your job. From a practical standpoint as well as an ethical one, he's in the position to curtain these women's affections; you are not. Good luck!
Typewriter - I third that. You have nothing to do with them, your only tie to them is the fact that your BF dated them. However, he has a history with them, so HE should be the one to tell them to lay off. If you do anything to "stake your claim", YOU'RE going to be the bitch. It's really not your problem anyway, other than the fact that HE'S letting this shit go on. (which is not fair to you)

I think that the best thing you can do is to stay classy and don't get involved in petty shit like that. Hold yourself above it. It might be hard as shit, but down the road, YOU will be the one that comes out looking like she's got her shit together because she didn't stoop to that level.
word, to your bf telling them to go away, and to you not responding. they're obviously looking for a response from you. don't give 'em one. they'll eventually go away.

thanks zoya and typew for making me not feel like a jerkoff for asking him to pay more. in fact, we talked yesterday and, albiet a bit grugingly, he agreed. but i think he was feeling bad about me thinking he was being cheap (which i kinda was).
Oh poop alive, y'all!!

Okay... so I have a british guy I met online and have been conversing with for a little over a month and a half or so... we have spoken on the phone twice. And he wants to come visit me while also taking a vacation.

Problem is: I've been pretty exclusive with Bruce Leroy (formerly referred to as Mr. Div). I mean, we hang out a lot.... and should be going on a weekend trip together soon. Brit man wants to visit at the end of August, which could work around Labor day because I have a family reunion and will essentially be closer to them when we go to the mountains to meet one another....

I don't want to lie to BL, but I am curious enough to meet Britman because he is saying he will come all this way just to meet me and chose this destination as his vacation spot...hmmm?

ergh. Plus, I wanna be safe, too. I wish I had a girlfriend to come with me on the visit...but that's awkward. Parents, maybe? But that's damn weird.

Damn it... I don't know how this is going to work out logistically! Should I just call the whole thing off?
I am moving soon afterall and I hope to have BL around a bit longer....
I don't know...

You're all right again, as usual.

The other night when we discussed it, Jack did say "You know what? I'll handle it."
... But I didn't want him to think I just couldn't handle the pressure of other girls around.

He should handle it, though. This is his problem, not mine. Thanks, all. smile.gif
typewriter - good luck with all that - not a fun place to be, but you'll be happier being the "bigger person" in the long run...

moon...your BL sounds so fab i'd hate to see things get in the way there...i realize the interest is there on Britboy but really is there anything on that one for the long run? if not, i'd respectfully decline until that time you don't see a LTR happening with BL...
typewriter - good luck with all that - not a fun place to be, but you'll be happier being the "bigger person" in the long run...

moon...your BL sounds so fab i'd hate to see things get in the way there...i realize the interest is there on Britboy but really is there anything on that one for the long run? if not, i'd respectfully decline until that time you don't see a LTR happening with BL...
Typewriter- I'd say you're doing things right. smile.gif

Moonpie- I don't know how well you know Britboy but even if there wasn't BL, I'm a little nervous about how much expectations there would be if he came to visit. Even if I have intentions towards a guy, I always like to leave myself an "out" or a way to politefully "escape." But if he's here visiting, do you have an out like that in case it doesn't go as planned? So yeah, I'd say keep it up with the BL and tell Britboy to hang in there. Again, there's much I don't know about the situation, though.
Moonpie, does Britboy know you're seeing someone else? If he doesn't, maybe you should tell him and perhaps he'll make the decision for you.
Can I expand on the Like vs. Love conversation? Now let's talk Love vs. In Love. Everyone has their own definitions, I know. Well, I've been feeling the need to say something other than I like you. It's so much stronger than that. But I'm not sure I'm ready to say I Love You. However, he has recently stated twice that he was "in love" with me. I don't view this the same as saying I Love You. I don't think he does either. That or maybe he's just afriad to put it in those terms. I am too. But recently, when it felt like the natural thing to say, I said something like... Awww, I heart you! To which he responded- That's nice of you to say. I don't know. Maybe he took that as I love you and it freaked him out. I guess I don't really care. I just thought it was a funny response. It sounds like something you would say to someone whom you know that you definitely do not love yet. But he's the one who starting using that word when he told me that he was in love with me.

Ahhh, I'm over-analyzing, I know. But who doesn't at this stage of the game.

Wait, yummy, I'm confused. Are you saying that 'I love you' implies a greater degree of intensity than 'I'm in love with you'? I always thought that it was the other way around, seeing as I go around saying I 'love' my poodle, New York City, and a whole lot of people, but I would only say I'm 'in love' with one of them. Just a thought. On the other hand, maybe other people have a totally different opinion about this than I do.

As for the other bit, 'I heart you' seems like a pretty clear step to me: different from 'I like you', but definitely not 'I love you'.
Mr Pugs
I never really understood the like vs love thing. I feel that saying "I love you" has such a deep meaning. I usually progress the love words like "I love when you do that" rather than I heart you. It seems like an odd saying to me. Maybe he didn't know how to respond to it. I agree that saying I love you is a big step, whenever I say it to Mrs. Pugs I mean it as "I love everything about you, even your faults, you are perfect in my eyes." When I say I love you it is more of an unconditional love, an I'll do anything for you including laying my life down for you love. I would try saying I love when you do this/that and see how he responds...
hey mr.p! good to meet ya. pugs is a lucky girl to have such a loving guy.

i also feel it has to be said when it's really felt. however long it takes to first get there. and thenafter too, when in a lt relationship. my friend says it like every three minutes to her man. like - honey, can you take out the garbage? thanks, i love you. i dunno, i guess it's sweet but it sounds more like she's bribing him with i love yous. mr.nick and i seem to say it when we especially feel endeared, which is often, but it just seems more special when he says it out of the blue, or more meaningful when i feel crappy.
love is a feeling that is different for everyone. and its just a word, where the emotion is much more than can be described by a word or a series of words. dont sweat the "love" label. youll never know how someone really feels until you know them long enough to understand their emotions. and the fact that you are afraid to say that you love him, means a lot, like you care if youre making the misteak of rushing things.

Hey Mr. Pugs!

Nickclick, that's when Mcgeek says it to me. He doesn't say it much, but like I had this horrid interview (see either Kvetch or Working Grrl threads) and he just grabbed me and said that he loved me.

Yet, I too have one of those friends that says it all the time. Doesn't it lose it meanings then? It's like she's keeping track of how many "I love you" he will say to her.

Yummy, I'm agreeing with starkitty on this one.
moon - what's the story? did you ever meet BritBoy? how's BL? hope all's well.

adding to the "love"line - with my ex, it was said "too often" - and it really got to the point of being just part of the conversation and had zero meaning.... i'm not sure what i'd think if a new relationship would go there. i certainly am not pushing for that by any means, but i think it may scare me away.

but mr. p, you are right. i can definitely handle the "i love x about you" comments (giving or receiving) and perhaps that means more to me right now. i'll keep going on that suggestion - thanks!
So... I'm just gonna throw something out there and hope some of you have some advice or words of wisdom.

My relationship is about to go long-distance, and I'm pretty freaked out. We've only been together for 4 months, and I'll be gone for at least that long, and possibly as long as 6 months (I'm going to study in Europe)... anyway, we don't want to break up, so we're going to try to stay together. I feel like if we'd been together for years 4 months would be managable, but this is kind of a weird ratio. One person told me that it won't work (which they don't KNOW and just strikes me as a hurtful thing to say), another friend told me not to have set expecations or there'll be too much pressure on the situation, and that I should just enjoy him in the present and basically expect nothing in the future (which is pretty good, pragmatic advice for lots of things in general, but not really what I want to hear in this situation). One friend told me not to go, to just stay here and be in love because that's more important in life, but I can't change my plans and priorities for a the sake of a relationship- I've done that before, and it's a recipe for disaster. That also puts too much pressure on the relationship.

Anyway, I guess I'd just like to hear from some other Busties who have gone through similar things... I find myself scared that he'll meet someone else or lose interest in me, even though I trust him completely. Or I worry that our connection, and everything that we've been building, will be lost. I just keep telling myself that if we're really as in love as we think it'll work, and if not it's all for the best anyway.
edie, i haven't been in a LD relationship, but all i can advise is to just give it a try. DO NOT give up school and EUROPE!!!! but i think you already know that. but don't doom it to failure just yet either. when you go, just see how it works out. how much time you have to keep in touch, how much you want to keep in touch, how faithful you want to be. i'm sure he'll be evaluating the same things. sometimes a big factor in successful relationships is good timing.
QUOTE(edie52 @ Aug 21 2007, 12:04 PM) *
I find myself scared that he'll meet someone else or lose interest in me, even though I trust him completely. Or I worry that our connection, and everything that we've been building, will be lost. I just keep telling myself that if we're really as in love as we think it'll work, and if not it's all for the best anyway.

you said all the important things right there edie. It's nerve wracking being so far away from someone you really care about, and there is always a possibility that they will lose interest, find someone else, or things will fizzle out. i think you're right; if you really love each other, things will work out in the end. and if they don't work out, it is definitely for the best.

the most important thing i can tell you is, if you really trust him, to have complete faith in that trust. i've seen a few of my girl friends go through long distance relationships in a really unhealthy way, getting caught up in "what ifs" and jealousy and paranoia. most of the time, all that energy they spend stressing out turns out to be a waste because they were overinterpretting something or whatever the case may be. i feel like that tension just ends up stressing both parties out and puts a strain on the relationship. so keep your rationality about you, and best of luck!!
Thanks a lot. I do trust him. That doesn't mean nothing bad will happen, but I do think he'll be honest with me.

I've been trying to be rational, but these past few days I've been going crazy, requiring a lot a reassurance. I don't like being so needy, and feeling so mixed up, but he is very good at being reassuring, and he seems pretty calm and confident that everything will be okay. He's promised that he'll be faithful and "wait for me" but I don't know that people can make promises like that. I told him that, and he said "so what would you rather me do?" and I realized that it was what I'd wanted to hear. I told him last night that I was feeling jealous and possessive (of nothing in particluar, mostly the thought of him meeting someone or even thinking about his past, which is silly) but I was trying to combat those feelings... obviously I'm just going to have to learn to deal with these feelings and accept that we'll be apart for months.

All of this is getting mixed up with my more general anxiety about moving to another country where I have no friends and everything is foreign. I thought I would be more fearless and think of it as a wonderful adventure, but I'm terrified.
hey edie, i had a similair situation when i studied abroad. i went in september and had only been with my boyfriend since march. he mentioned breaking up but i kinda was just like "no! i do NOT want to break up!" we talked on the phone a lot, wrote letters, i sent him packages of souveniers and stuff. it ended up working out, i guess, because we were together for almost four more years after that.
Thanks, laurenann. That's reassuring to hear.
I wrote on here awhile ago about the fact that my then boyfriend was leaving for college and how we decided to break up. And now that it has happened I can honestly say that the advice you guys gave me proved true! Now that he is gone he pays no attention to me at all! It turns out he honestly just wasn't ready for a relationship! So thanks guys!
hey, Edie. I've dealt with LD relationships a few times. The first time I studied abroad in England for a year, leaving my boyfriend of 5 years. We intended to stay together, but it didn't work out. We were also each others' first loves, so I think that didn't help matters. Whilst in England, I started dating someone else, though, and we are still dating! We spent a year apart (a Year!!), visiting each other twice, and then I studied abroad in France for a year, where he met me and lived with me. Now I'm back in the US again, have one semester to finish and then will hopefully be moving to England to be with him. It's definitely been trying at times, but while it sucks, it can definitely work out. My best advice would be to just chill, and try to make it work (calling each other, sending postcards, etc), and enjoy your experience abroad. That's all you really can do, and if it doesn't work out, at least you tried. You're young, life's exciting; i wouldn't worry about it too much. Keep a positive attitude smile.gif.
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