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Outside factors really do make it or kill it. Stress is a big one... and usually does its damnedest to axe most (if not all, sadly) more pleasant and enjoyable feelings in one's life. I agree with sybarite to indulge yourself in other things, and wait for your libido (or the man) to catch up to you. Hang in there, Ophelia. =)
Ophelia, try concentrating on your solo sex life for awhile -- nothin' wrong with that! Try mixing it up a little by maybe watching an erotic movies, picking up a book of written erotica, or something like that. You could also try some different kinds of stimulation -- explore your G-Spot and T Zone (, maybe try some anal stimulation or nipple stimulation, etc.

Also, know that it's entirely normal to go through waxing and waning periods of libido. I wouldn't worry about it too much, unless it's severely affecting your life and/or relationship, or it goes on for a really long time.
thanks! I sorta made a resolution recently to be celibate for a while, so perhaps that'll help.
Ophelia, you are a stronger woman than I!
Whenever my boyfriend tries to have sex with me from behind, I get this really bad need to pee. It doesn't matter if I've just gone, and when I have interrupted the festivities in order to take care of it, nothing came out. Does anyone else have this kind of problem? What can I do to alleviate it? I'd really like to expand the number of positions we use however possible because I always seem to end up on top and while it feels great, it's getting a little old.
maybe he's hitting your g spot? I've read that hitting it can feel like you need to pee and then once that feeling subsides, it's supposed to feel amazing. But I've never had that done, myself, so I couldn't really tell ya...
Yeah, it's true what cstars said because that happens to me sometimes, and it's really intense and it feels a lil' uncomfortable, oohhhh I gotta go pee, but if you really don't have to go, once you get passed it, it does FEEL really AMAZING! Just keep practicing.
It sounds like g-spot stimulation. If you're not into it, perhaps ask him to lessen his thrusting intensity or change the height of where you lay (no pun intended).
totally g spot. as long as you pee before sex, you aren't going to pee on him. what helped me was to relax and to push slightly against him inside-wowzah!
Alright then! Next time I'll just try gritting my teeth and waiting for the payoff.
Kittenbonanza, you might be interested in the Female Ejaculation thread. That sensation is the one description most often given to the gush, and there's plentiful discussion about both the sensation and also pushing through it over there.
dang it. whenever i feel like i have to pee during sex it's 'cause i actually have to pee. *sulking*.
thanks ladies, been awhile since I've used the computer...I can't compare my experience with other partners since he is my first. But, hopefully with more practice, and if I can relax better I can get past this issue. Till then, practice is never a bad thing!
Has anyone tried Firefly?
Your link didn't work, humanist, but I looked up that lube ... sounds a little sketchy to me. Their emphasis seems to be on a "safe" lube, but in reality, lots of people are allergic and/or sensitive to a lot of natural ingredients, too.

Of course, it may be awesome, too -- you just never know!
Oh sorry-the link is

Of course that's true that for every substance, there's someone allergic to it, but at least for me, I like that it has no glycerin (which is good for those with chronic yeasties) or preservatives or artificial ingredients. Do you have a personal favorite recommendation?

oops, sorry. ha.
but it's true.
it works so good and it's free.
True pepper,... except when we've been boozing to the point of cotton-mouth, which was the case for me recently and was a bit frustrating. I've never tried lube in the mouth, has anyone?
Only by accident (or by ignoring it, at any rate, because it tastes gross). I like olive oil for mouth.
Some lube tastes gross; some has no flavor at all. Slippery Stuff and Better Sex Gel don't have any flavor at all, and neither has glycerin, either.

I'm a big fan of Liquid Silk, myself.

One worry I would have with the Firefly lube -- I'm not sure vaginas are very good at flushing out shea butter or cocoa butter or beeswax. I feel like those substances could easily stick around and cause nasty infections and/or internal acne. Plus, it's super expensive!

It may be the best thing since sliced bread, though -- just my two cents.
i'm not sure those things are condom friendly either. that's all kinda greasy stuff, not my thing.
probably the target market uses those natural condoms as well?
say wot? qu'est-ce que sais this 'natural' condom? it's been a while.
Yeah, I really question their "condom-compatible" claim. My bosses question it, too, to the extent that one of them wants to bring in her microscope, and do a little experiment with the lube and a condom, just to see if there are holes created that might not be visible to the naked eye. If she really does it, I'll def. let you all know the results!
Pepper - lambskin condoms? It was just an assumption as I know nothing about them except what I read on Bust though.

Hmm if I was using oil/grease for a lubricant I'd use polyurethane condoms (avanti).
lambskin doesn't protect against std's though, right? i mean, aside from being GROSS. eww.

condom or no, i'm sticking with spit. at least i know what's in it, ha ha!
AFAIK it doesn't.

I prefer spit too, though not after eating chili or hot curry (ouch I always forget).
Lamskin protects against pregnancy, but not against STIs.
maximus lube is the freaking BEST...Toys in Babeland sells it right next to all their anal toys (ahem), and I love it...

don't know about using it with condoms though
Maximus is totally fine to use with condoms. And you're totally right about it being great for anal -- it's really thick and cushiony and long-lasting, with no glycerin (so it doesn't get sticky).
Oh, Venetia, you actually, literally, got me laughing out loud on that one! *Grin*
has anyone here had a D&C and uterine ablation? I had both done on the 14th and i'm not sure if i can continue now with sexual activity or even masterbating, I'm afraid it might hurt and I don't see the doctor for another 5 or 6 days, so if anyone has any info I would really really appreciate it!! 'cause it feels like it's been forever
I have a question.. *sigh*

I have a very high sex drive. I think about sex all the time, I masturbate regularly, I have several regular partners I see, I write erotica... let's just say I'm a sexual person, and have been since I hit puberty.

However, I have been single a *very* long time (measured in years) and most of that time I was basically celibate... I lucked into a few one-night stands but was terrible at picking up, so I just ended up incredibly sexually frustrated. For weeks I wouldn't even masturbate because I was just in hibernation and I hated it.

Before I found myself in this situation, I was in a number of relationships and had had lots of great sex, and never had any trouble orgasming during sex.

But now that I am sexually active again, and my sex drive is pumped and I have access to several fantastic lovers, I can not seem to orgasm.

Oh sure, I can come when I masturbate. It's slower than I can remember it ever being, but it'll happen. But when I'm with a partner, nada. I've come with a partner twice in the past four months. They can get me right to the verge -- delirious, screaming pleasure, but I can't get over the edge. They are very accommodating -- they'll happilly eat pussy forever or get into my favourite positions on command, incorporate the same vibrators I use successfully on my own -- but I eventually start to become very conscious that I've gotten almost to climax and then not come, that I've reached my 'peak' and am declining, and then I start to get fed up.

Nothing's changed for me recently -- no new meds, and I exercise and eat well. I have a vivid fantasy life and I am very comfortable with and familiar with my body. I have NO EXPLANATION for why this is happening, except that I used to have some elusive skill in climaxing that I lost by going without sex for so long.

Can anyone sympathise/advise/help??
girl, i was thinking about your post last night. do you think it's possible that your pc muscles might have gotten out of shape during your long celibacy? it could be as simple as that. or it could be totally in your head. sounds like you've got it screwed on right, i don't think it'll take you long to figure it out if that's it. for me it's become harder to sport fuck as i get more and more interested in deep connections and being really tuned into a lover/partner. i know it's all in my head when i can't get off because i can come in my sleep. though it does seem to be affected by the time of the month a bit too so... mysterious O.
Thanks for replying, Pepper. I hadn't thought about the PC possibility. I have been doing Kegels and I have the Fun Factory "Smart Balls" that I've used, but maybe I'll step it up a bit.

I know that some of this is in my mind -- I'm thinking about it too much now. And the thing I learned that allowed me to come years ago, the ability to switch off my mind and just enjoy the sensations in my body, not worrying about my partner -- I seem to be unable to do that now. Maybe it will get better with time. But still, I feel like I'm defective.

Does anyone have tips about that switching-off-the-brain thing? So I can stop thinking about stupid things and being in my *mind* when I should just be in my *body*.
bella coola
Hey onyva,

I'm not one to advise because I have only ever reached orgasm with a partner once! But I have an idea that might be worth a try. Are you in to meditation at all? If you could practice creating a place in your mind that is pure sensuality/erotica etc. with no constraints or expectations where everything just goes in its natural way, it might help to quiet your unwanted brain jibber-jabber. Somewhere that you're totally relaxed, yet sexually energized. Even breathing exercises with your partner before had might help, to establish a physical connection that will overtake the mental one maybe?

Ah, ideas anyway. Good luck!!
My partner told me today that the condoms we've been using just aren't doing it for him...not sure if it's because he's just not used to them (recently divoreced, if that explains anything) or if it's just the type in general. Lately, I've just been buying the trojan-enz, but was thinking to getting the ultra thins. Any advice/ help would be deeply appreciated. Thanks.
I've always hated Trojans. I've always thought they smelled funny.

I recommend Durex. I've converted people and have had some very positive feedback! Also, they're high on some consumer reports list I think for overall quality. Something like that.
Is there a lube thread?

I'm looking for a new lube- we currently use astroglide. We like the feel of that, but I'd like to switch to something glycerin-free. I don't want flavors. If it comes in a pump bottle, that would be excellent. It needs to be condom-compatible and no spermicide.

Any ideas?

ETA: Saw the redhead's post below- Slippery Stuff looks good. Any other suggestions?
I like Sensua Organics lube. It's all natural, it doesn't have glycerin and in fact, it's got grapefuit seed extract which has antifungal properties.

My boyfriend is not crazy about it though- he thinks it gets sticky too fast. I think it's just fine.
ID Glide is pretty good, water based, have not had any luck with the KY warming, unless you count BV
Slight change'o'topic: Does anyone have the book 'for yourself' by lonnie borbach? My doctor recommended it for exercise to loosen/relax the muscles at the entrance to the vagina, but I looked at the amazon reviews and it looks like most of the book is about having issues about enjoying sex or something (which is not my issue). Has anyone done the exercises in it?

Just wondering if anyone has any views on this book or suggestions for others that my address the same problem.
Polly, it's not glycerin-free, but Mr. Ses and I recently switched from Astroglide to O'My and we LOVE it. It comes in a pump bottle which is lovely. It comes in flavors, but the one in the purple bottle is unflavored, just tastes a little sweet.
Astroglide is both readily available (we find it at Rite Aid and Wal Mart) and it works very well. KY gel sucks though, waaay too goopy and it dries quickly.

Alright, sorry to get off-topic, but I'm not sure where to post this question, if anyone knows of a better thread, please direct me. anyway;

Crinoboy and I have been having sex for a year now (first-time anniversary just passed) and it is STILL painful! First entry is difficult and at best uncomfortable, even if he goes slow and is careful. I almost always tear and bleed, it's like my hymen grows back every time. (crinoboy says I have the hymen of a catholic nun) Has anyone ever heard of something like this? My gyno told me that I have a fairly small cooch, but still, this is ridiculous! Unfortunately, Crinoboy is not small, and he really can't seem to be able to avoid hurting me. Lube helps, but not completely. Does anyone have any advice? I'm very tired of the bleeding and soreness!
crinoline, are you on any sort of birth control? I was on the pill for years and never had any issues, but once I stopped it all changed down there... well, in there. It's like my lining is thicker and fuller, even the outside is... longer. that sounds gross... but my point is that I feel more down there now, and hurt more, and sometimes bleed a little if I do anything borderline violent. kind of like what you're describing here.

maybe a low dose pill would help? or an iud, I heard those thin your lining.

positions might help too, maybe if you're on top you'd have less friction/banging...
On "For Yourself" -- I think it's a great book, and does address issues like learning to consiously relax the muscles near your vaginal opening. It's basically written to help women become orgasmic (during masturbation and during intercourse/other kinds of sex with a partner). Even if that's not why you're reading it, though, I think it'd be a helpful resource. Unfortunately, there aren't any good, comprehensive sex books that concentrate on muscle relaxation (sad, really, since it's a major issue for lots of people!)

crinoline, I think your doc's advice about learning consious muscle relaxation is a great first step. Also, make sure you're using tons of lube and have tons of foreplay (and, if possible, an orgasm for yourself) before penetration. If you feel like it's a dryness or skin condition issue (ie your skin feels tight, and feels like it's stretching and tearing), you might want to do a daily five-minute massage with Liquid Silk lubricant. There are some great instructions for this massage here.

On the lube issue - the best lubes I've ever found that don't contain glycerin are Liquid Silk, Sensua Organics (now called Sympathical Formulas), Pleasure Glide, Slippery Stuff, Maximus, and all the silicone-based lubricants (ID Millennium, Eros, System Jo, iLube, Wet Platinum, etc). All are compatible with latex; none will get sticky, since they don't contain glycerin.

onyva, maybe it's just an issue of getting used to partnersex again? For lots of women, when they spend a period of time having sex only with themselves, go through a sort of adjustment period when they start having partnersex again. It's really no different than if you had a really great lover, then stopped having sex with that lover and started having sex with someone else. It wouldn't be the same, and it would take some adjustment and time to make sex with the new partner awesome. I'd say give it time, and make sure you're communicating clearly with your partners, letting them know what you like and don't like. And maybe try some mutual masturbation - that way you know you'll have your orgasm, and your partner can watch and learn!

QUOTE(periander @ Apr 23 2006, 06:22 AM) *

Ok so I need help asap. I have a boy coming over tonight for some well deserved (on my part) portions. My problem is that he does like to try and rub my clitoris like hes buffing floorboards or something. Now I tend to be a very blunt person but I don't want to hurt his feeling by just blurting out "what the hell do you think your doing". What do you thing is a nice and subtle way of getting him to be a bit more gentle with my bits.

QUOTE(periander @ Apr 23 2006, 06:22 AM) *

Ok so I need help asap. I have a boy coming over tonight for some well deserved (on my part) portions. My problem is that he does like to try and rub my clitoris like hes buffing floorboards or something. Now I tend to be a very blunt person but I don't want to hurt his feeling by just blurting out "what the hell do you think your doing". What do you thing is a nice and subtle way of getting him to be a bit more gentle with my bits.

This may help some.

None of us was born knowing how to tie our shoes. Somebody showed us how to do it.

The buffing-the-floor technique works for him. He has no reason to believe it doesn't work for you.

My best suggestion: under a good light, show him what he's dealing with. Then show him how to do it.

After he tries, then help him understand how to improve. Use positive responses like "ooo, good," which make him feel good about it, rather than negatives, which tend to be discouraging.

Subtle it's not. But it's standard teaching technique that works in the real world. He would dearly love to get you as many squirming, screaming, toenail-curling orgasms as you want. As long as you keep it positive -- obviously wanting to help rather than to criticize -- he should love it.

Another crop of learners and experimenters is coming on every month. You might help some of them by reporting on your experience in helping him learn.


ccrinoline, have you tried being on top? That way you have control over entry, how fast, how far, etc.

theredhead, thanks for the review of 'for yourself'. I guess I'll let the amazon order stand; this doc at least seems to know what she is doing--so far.

I came in here looking for the name of a reputable canadian online seller of sex toys. I know of WomynsWare but I remember someone mentioning at least one other (in toronto?).

On the topic of sex toys, has anyone tried balls (like the Ben Wa kind I guess)?
tatiana: i've used several kinds of balls. what did you want to know, exactly? off the top of my head, i like them very much, they roll around and create very pleasant sensations, and i can make them move by using my muscles....which can feel a lot like grabbing onto a hard cock.....veeeeeeeery nice. nice to have them pulled out when having an orgasm, as well. i know that some people really like them and others don't seem to have any sensation from them at all.

eta: boblink, that was great advice!
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