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Turbo, it sounds like you are having the bestest weekend!

I found a recipe for turkey meatballs, which I think I'm going to make shortly. Then I'll head off to the park for another walk while the meatballs slow cook.

Sooooo, how is everyone else?
Men are stupid. Fuck 'em.

Sorry for the "me" post in advance, but I just got in the door, and have friends coming over in a bit, so I haven't had a chance to read.

So BEB didn't want to do dinner - he "wasn't prepared to commit" to that. And then when we went to the Big Band thingie, it was total friendship mode again. Hot and cold, that boy. And nobody danced, so we didn't - it just wasn't set up right for dancing. But anyway, he did warm back up a bit over the course of the evening, but not in a flirty way. And the event was okay - it was entertaining, and different, and we both enjoyed it, though on a personal level, it took me awhile to get over being rebuffed, so that marred my enjoyment a bit. I asked when he wanted to jam again, and he said he was thinking we should go to a jam this week - he's going to check out whether or not the Wednesday night one is still going on.

You know, I just don't want to think he's that kind of guy - he's so good and kind. But whatever. I give up. He can chase me now if he wants to make up his stupid Pisces mind. Which is mostly bravado on my part, I have to admit. I did get it out of him that his parents split b/c his dad cheated on his mom and left for the new woman, and he still really dislikes his dad for it (nearly twenty years on), which probably makes everything going on in his brain that much more complicated. Maybe we both have abandonment issues....I just wish I didn't have all these growing feelings complicating everything. I really thought - think - there's something special there, and I hate like fuck to think it might not happen. I can't quite believe the universe would send me someone this perfectly weird and perfectly compatible - everything I've been looking for in someone - and then not let me near him. I wish I knew how to start a real conversation on this, but I'm terrified of pushing and losing the friendship we already have.

Anyway, I went to the staff meeting this morning, which was goofy team-building and "branding" the store stuff, but kind of fun - not too heavy. And one of my friends, whom I haven't seen in a long time, phoned me last night as I was getting ready to go out, wanting to meet up last night, but of course I couldn't. So we met right after I left the store, and I took her to lunch on the restaurant gift card that BEB missed out on. I also gave her a bunch of the clothes that don't fit me anymore, so now I feel considerably liberated to give up the rest. I picked up my guitar and we took it to a coffee shop and sat outside, met up with a couple more women I haven't seen in a really long time, and I played and we talked. It was like Sex in the City, only Sex in the Cattletown. We just split up - two of them are coming back here later on for weed and music, and probably more talk about feminism and our collective boy problems.

One of them regaled us with a tale of her father finding her panties and an empty bottle of wine by his hot tub this morning - she is staying with her family while she is in town, and met a hot man yesterday! Anyway....they are a Sikh family, so the whole finding the panties by the hot tub thing is a bit extra dodgy....

Also, I quickly wrote a new song LATE last night (I was up till 2:30) - it's called "Mama Says" and it's from a kid's perspective on the morning mama is ready to leave her batterer. It was sort of inspired by the conversation about BEB's parents. I never told him anything about why my parents split, but I was thinking about it, and wondering why I didn't tell him, so I guess in my head at the time, the song was a way to tell him.....

Will catch up soon - if not tonight, tomorrow, as I don't have a work gig yet....

I'm sorry that BEB is being such a douche. My advice is to back off, then he'll wonder what the hell is going on. He wants to be a moody, brooding asshat, then he can do it, but he can also stop fucking with you in the process. He can't have his cake and eat it to.
anna k
My sister was such an ass tonight. She's getting back into being vegan, so she was strict about what resturaunt me and my family would eat at. There was a Greek place she was interested in, but it was closed for renovation. So we drove around a neighborhood in Astoria until she and my brother found another Greek place to eat at. The place ended up being dinky, our orders taking a very long time to arrive, and the restuarant not being able to make some things on the menu (We're out of fava bean dip, out of chicken, etc.). We were sick of looking for a place, so even though the place sucked, we stayed. My sister could not stop bitching. She complained that she didn't like any of the food listed, that the service was bad, and just bringing down the mood and making me in a bad mood as the food took a long time to arrive. I wouldn't have minded the wait if she was fun to talk to, of just gabbing and passing the hour and having fun instead of obsessing over the food and being pissed at the resturaunt. I haven't seen my sister since January, and did want to enjoy her company, but she made it hard to. My dad said to me in private that he felt like she ruined the mood and made everyone else down, so our reunion didn't feel happy or good. I'm seeing her again on Friday to go to a concert, and she found a vegan resturant in NYC that she wants to go to. Personally, I don't feel like talking about food with her, as she has had eating disorders and went through a hard year of losing 100+ lbs over the past year. I'm proud of her, but I find it boring to talk about weight/food-related issues.

Not only is she picky about food, but she can be really enthocentric. For someone who likes Anthony Bourdain's books and shows, she can't stand any kind of ethnic cuisine that doesn't have a familiarity to her. I can forgive my dad for the same culinary tastes, since he's 55 and not going to change. She's 27 and a "liberal," but can be really conservative about sex and have racist/classist narrow-minded views of people. I used to be close with her, but she can be a real bitch to be around, and I don't tell her about my dating/sex life or new friends I make because she asks lots of questions and can be quick to judge people.
Hi Doodle. CH is right. I'd try to stay in the friend zone with BEB from now on. He's too messed up to know what he wants with his mixed signals and this hot and cold stuff. You sound so positive and strong nowadays, and from what you write, you're getting a lot of validation of your hottness at work and in your life in general from lots of people too. It is awesome! You deserve someone who is out and out crazy about you and they know it, not someone so broken and clueless that he can't accept the love jackpot you are right in front of him. He may be a good person in a general sense and a very good friend with whom you have a lot in common, but with how he's behaved, he is toxic in a relationship-sense. Unless/until he demonstrates that he knows exactly what he wants and realizes that is you, try to let this go and start ogling some other boys. /end lecture

Lore, I want to read those "Golden Compass" books. I didn't see the movie but I read a little about it and it made me very curious about the books. I'd love to learn some action hero skills too. When I get in better shape I think I'm going to try some martial arts classes or something.

Hi GT! Yay for puppymonster.

Turbo, I'm glad you had a perfect weekend!

Jeffrito wanted to go to a movie tonight so we went and saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall. It was pretty funny but the best part was that a group of people in their late teens were there and 3/4 of the way through the movie one of the girls in the group was trying to get back into her seat down right by the screen and fell down in this huge noisy flop (she wasn't hurt). It was so dramatic it almost seemed fake and people couldn't help giggling at it a little. Then she made it worse because I think she was embarrassed and just ran out of the room super-dramatically like she was being chased and then everybody in the audience was really laughing because it was so funny. After the movie was over and we were walking out of the lobby, one of the guys in the group says, "High five to the girl who fell down!" and she sheepishly high fived him back. Jeffrito and I saw that and just couldn't help it, we laughed so hard we got headaches on the way home.

X post with Anna K.

That sucks about your sister. It is so hard to be around a Debbie Downer! Hopefully she'll get over some of her issues and will get happier and mellow out as she gets older.
doodle, i am so sorry. things were so promising with BEB, but i'm with marileen. she has it exactly right, but i also think, sometimes the universe sends you not the perfect person, but their inferior doppleganger, their stunt double, just to get your attention, and then once you've given up on the cheap copy, guess who comes into view? the real deal. the superior specimen. sure, BEB is badass, but i would bet there is something better right around the corner...

hi marileen. i love that movie theatre story.

hey turbo! yeah the puppymonster is doing great. i adore her. she is so sweet! and she has that wrinkly mastiff forehead. sigh. your weekend does sound perfect. hell it sounds dreamy. (especially since my sunday was hijacked by kids) i can only be jealous of how much you get done. oof. i am tired just reading it. and the 100 mile thing... yikes!

hi culture...

anna, that b-l-o-w-s! i so agree with you about the food thing, and i've had friends who are veggies/vegans, which i would mind so much, it's when they are holyer-than-thou or prosthelitize. i don't like it if it's religion, what makes you think being super judgmental is charming because it's about food. ARGH! the worst is that she probably went home feeling smug, when she ruined everything for your family. yeah, that'll win people over to your side.

god, everybody is having annoying family problems. mr.t's two (sort of adopted) daughters, m and e were over, now, mr. t lives with her exhusband/bf, G, (it's really too complex to get into) and e is his genetic daughter. so they both (sort of) adopted m. today e, m, her two kids were visiting. now, m has two kids, and just got fired so she is depressed. and G has a talent for saying absolutely stupid fucking things, and when putting one foot in his mouth is more than enough, he insists on eating two.
so, today m's kids were running amok, and G says to e, in front of m, "now, E, let this be a lesson to you on why you don't want to have kids." if my reach was long enough i would have personally slapped the shit out of him. m, (who i love for this) totally took him to task, and he pleaded innocent saying it wasn't an insult. jesus. he had said something equally insulting to m earlier, and i was about to lose it. he can be such a dumb shit. grrr! all the while he insists e is an angel. yeah right, a mooching, over drinking, pot head who's own roomates asked her to move out. don't get me wrong, i do care about them both and i've had my issues with m, but chickie battled back from being a heroin addict, with two kids to at least try to be responsible. where as e has it good, and isn't even trying. GGGGRRRR! i can't wait till next weekend, when i can have a nice quiet weekend with the mr.
Okay, I didn't want to talk about this, but I've been thinking...and I think I said a couple of things on Thursday at lunch to BEB that implied I didn't want commitment, and made it seem like THAT was the reason I wanted to talk to him....but I was actually talking about my career and moving and school and stuff (you know - my two-year post-women's centre plan). I just go off at the mouth sometimes and don't think about what I'm saying, and only half of what I mean comes out. I'm a Sagittarius. He's a very sensitive Pisces. And even if you think astrology is rot....if you met him, even for ten minutes, you would never think he is a player of any kind - he's so proper, in so many ways - and honestly, he's so sane (weird-sane) and healthy. Anyway, thank you everyone, but the truth is, I'm not totally convinced I haven't inadvertently done something really stupid. Anyway, I've got to think about this some more. *lame smile* Really, I think I need to trust my gut on this one. I also think he was hiding an erection last night. No, I'm serious. Right after I offloaded the cardigan I was wearing and sat there with my boobs hanging out in the new top. He got himself into what looked like a very awkward position in his seat, hiding his crotch. You know.....I think we do need to have a proper conversation so we can sort it out once and for all. *gulp*

Anyway, I've been writing some new songs. I just recorded this one, and I really need an opinion. I am thinking of making it my Mother's Day present. I wonder what you all think of that. It's not like I can afford much right now, and Mom doesn't want me to spend a lot anyway - she is sending ME money for clothes, right? So I'm thinking a song would be more meaningful, but I'm wondering if this is an appropriate song for Mother's Day....for doodlemama. (We do talk about the stuff in the song a lot, so it wouldn't be a shock or anything.) If so, I'd like to record it again with some of the other musicians, and maybe send it on a CD....

So yeah, this is also the song I wrote last night. Couldn't get the recording volume very loud on the lappy, but just turn your speakers up.

Mama Says (high bandwidth)
Mama Says (low bandwidth)

Also had a great time with the women here - smoked up and played lots of songs for them. And then banjoboy showed up - it's his birthday! He's officially twenty-one. It's been a crazy-busy day! I've been going since 7 AM!
Hey ladies! Sorry I don't have time to respond to posts again, just wanted to pop in and say that I'm having a great time in London. Hope all is well.
Good Morning!

It's Monday!

Hey Erin Jane!! It's good to see you! I am so glad you are having a good time in London town. Enjoy!

((doodle)) Man, what a mess! He couldn't commit to dinner??? Seriously. I don't think he is a player, but definitely are other things going on. I am over him giving you this run around though!

((anna)) I'm sorry your sister was being such a pain in the ass. Also sorry that it really spoiled the whole family's visit. Sheesh.

Hey GT! That sounds like some drama over the weekend! Eek!

Hey CH, Jenn, marileen, and anyone I've forgotten! Oh, Tree! Hi!

Things here are good. Work per usual. I had a nice weekend. Hung with a girlfriend Friday night. Saturday I went to the flea market & bought this really cool old fan. This man there rebuilds the motors & paints them. It looks really retro. Looks nice in the living room. That evening I had to attend my aunt's funeral. It was ok. I mean, it was a nice service, but a funeral. Yesterday we had a handyman come by to give us estimates. I think we're going to get a decent bit of stuff done. Last night I hung with two friends. Mr K stayed up all night studying for his 2 finals today. I mean, he did not come to bed at all. Poor guy. His last test is at 9:30 this morning, then he has a month off from classes. Yipee!

Good Morning Good Morning!

Anna, bummer about your sister, I agree with GT, some people are really off when it comes to their veganism.

Marileen, the theatre story is super funny!!

Hi GT! I responded, and that story about the family deal. Some people. Gaaa.

Doodle, follow your gut, but I don't want to see you get hurt, you deserve someone who will love and respect you. Not that BEB can't, but what the hell is going on there? I feel like banging my head against a wall.

Hey Erin! I'm glad you came in here, enjoy your trip!!!

Kari, it sounds like you had a really lovely weekend? ~*~*~*~*exam vibes for Mr. K.

Well, things between me and PR boy are mostly resolved, he sent me an e-mail reply to my issues, and I'm still going to remain back a little, as I have been for the last little while. I need to clear my head. Aside from that, did long walks yesterday, some cardio, no weight routine, I'll fo that tonight, after that killer workout I did on Saturday I didn't want to go nuts. However, since I want to get on with the police, I'll have to kick up higher.
I just left BEB a message saying I really needed to talk and that it was really important, if he can get together this evening. That's all I said. *deep breath* I have to do this. I wrote this huge letter last night before I went to sleep (no I didn't send it, but I am about to post it in the Letters thread), and in the cold light of morning, it still all feels like it needs to be said. Not by letter. So.

I just woke up. I'm still kind of....hungover from last night. I think I might try to get some more sleep....
(( doodle )) I'm sorry this is going on. Good for you for leaving him that phone message. I think it is something that needs to be discussed. Definitely.

Hey CH! Do you work out most days of the week, would you say? I've been kicking my workouts into higher if I could just get myself to eat better. dry.gif I am glad things with you & PR boy are worked out.

Mr K called, he's done with his finals. *throws confetti* He said he feels pretty good about them too, which I am glad about.

I just did some spinning at lunch. Came back & saw that boss is gone for the day. SWEET!
good afternoon! happy monday!!

((((doodle)))) sorry about the way things went down with beb this weekend. but i don't blame you one bit for wanting to get it all out on the table. i read your letter and absolutely agree with you: those things need to be said so that YOU can put things into perspective. i guess i also have that near-death perspective because of the accident i was in. no, i didn't exactly nearly die, but the people in the other car did and that's close enough for me. and, when mrfj and i got together, it was certainly a leap of faith. as bff told me just saturday night, people don't live their lives like we did. but we did it and that's why i am in the place i am today. i would never go back and accept status quo as my lot. i didn't know what was going to happen but i'm sure glad i took the chance. and if we hadn't wound up together, at least i would have known that i had done something. so i hope he calls you back and that he understands that you're not trying to paint him into a corner but that you have to share how you feel. and you're a big girl, so you'll be able to take the sting if he doesn't respond as you are hoping.

i've sort of run out of time now. i've read everything and will be back later!
Doodle, you're probably already chatting with BEB now, but you *know* that as the resident love optimist, that I fully support your full-on discussion with BEB, and that I know all too well what it is to love a Pisces. And how damned infuriating it is too...but, it is worth it, and turbomann is the perfect balance for my all-action, all-the-time, shoot-from-the-gut style. I hope that you and BEB can work it out in a way that gives him the information he needs to mull things over and come to a more balanced decision (not made from paralysis or fear), and maybe take a teensy step toward you, feeling safe enough to do so. It took me a LONG time to catch turbomann, he tried to run away for about a year, but I got him. I don't give up. heh.

Anna, CH is right. Your sister is a selfish douche. I know what its like to have dietary requirements (no wheat), and there certainly are restaurants where I have more choices than others, but I never dictate the restaurant choice...I do like to throw out 3-4 options that are easier for me, but you've still got to consider what other folks want. And generally, I can eat a salad pretty much anywhere if someone really wants something particular.

I came home to super-turbo-diarrhea from one end of the house to the other tonight. Worst I've ever seen. Poor turbodoggie. Took me two hours to scrub it all out of the rugs, and wash the wood and tile floors. Ugh. And it was a particularly frustrating day at work, so I was not pleased to spend 2 hours cleaning when I got home...esp. when I spent the weekend cleaning. Turbomann and I need to once again discuss sweat equity around the house...either that or he needs to pay a larger share of the household expenses. I'm getting a little frustrated about being the one to do all the "work" around the house again. Its a cyclical thing, and just needs to be addressed again.

And FIL, BIL, and turbomann's cousin are coming to stay this weekend, which I'm not thrilled about. It'll be fine, but I'm overwhelmed with my life, and it takes a LOT of energy for me to play hostess all weekend.

Anyway, I need to stop complaining, and go cut the apricot-ginger granola bars I made tonight. smile.gif

Hi everyone....just heard back from BEB, we are going to meet tomorrow after work (he did offer lunch time to make it happen sooner, but I just can't do lunch time). I don't know how to read anything anymore. I THINK he sincerely wanted to meet, but he said he had a friend with him, so he couldn't. He asked me what was up, wanted to talk about it now, on the phone, but I said I didn't really want to talk about it on the phone - I'm guessing he has no idea what's up, but no doubt I've confused him utterly. He sounded gentle and concerned, anyway....whatever else is going on, the man still wants to be part of my life.

I've been thinking, ever since I wrote that song, Mama Says. The reason I wrote it is because I wanted to tell him about my own past, like he told me his, but I guess it felt like saying it out loud would be....too blunt, too harsh....too much like it would make me vulnerable. And I think that's how I need to start the conversation. I think the song was me trying to start the conversation, just like so many of my songs have been since I met him. You know, growing up the way I did, it's made me into this person who tries to quietly read people and interpret things before I ever act on anything, and I'm always doing it from this perspective of fear over how I might be hurt if I get it wrong...and the fear IS strong, because the people in my childhood were so erratic and unstable - untrustworthy. I don't feel safe to be open when it comes to interpersonal relationships....but oddly enough, I do feel safe enough with him to take this risk. And I think I just need to be up front about that from the get go.

Doodlemama phoned tonight, and I didn't tell her about the song ('cause I'm holding it for Mother's Day, I think), but I talked a bit about my BEB first she thought I should play it "cool," but you know, I told her my thoughts on how she and I both deal with relating to other people because of the abusive family dynamic - I said I wanted a normal life, and that I'd rather start everything from a point of honesty and communication, and see what happens. She had to agree.

It's the truth - I don't want to play games, and I especially don't want to keep playing out the games I learned in childhood. I want to be real with this guy. I want to be truthful and open, even if it means the risk of getting hurt. I don't want to live a life of pretending not to feel things I'm feeling, or pretending everything's alright when it's not. That hurts more, and it reminds me too much of my childhood.

Did anybody have an opinion on the song, btw?

ANYWAY. I wrote another song today. Just finished. It's called "It's Hard for Me." No really, it is. It's about my inability to communicate. It's sort of a soaringly melancholic kind of song, with lots of complicated chords. It's a complicated song. I'm a complicated person.

Soooo sorry for not reading, and REALLY sorry for this self-centredness lately. I'm going to try to catch up as soon as I go to the store....I think now that I've heard from him, I can sit down and be calm. The calm before the storm. It's funny - now that I've set this up, with no waffling from him, I feel more at peace, I suppose because now I know the conversation IS going to happen....
doodle, i meant to tell you earlier that i was incredibly impressed with your song. i really liked it and realized an hour later that i was humming it to myself. i didn't really read your last post, just saw that part about the song as i was making calls tonight and wanted to say that yes, i had an opinion and it was gooood!

i have lost a couple of posts today, so that's all i'm gonna say.

except *waves* hi turbo!!! smile.gif

and, oh, can i get some more jobbity vibes?? still looking at the same one with the old company. i'll write more on that later, when i have more confidence that my post will actually, uh, post!
Good Morning!

My posts have also been eaten.

Doodle, I'm glad you heard from BEB, it does need to get out in the open. I am nt able to listen to the songs at work tonight, and last night I wasn't online that much, I was walking (abnd driving) past the fire hall oogling hot firefighters. smile.gif I'll listen when I get home.

Hey Kari! I work out every day, usually around 2-3 hours a day. those are the days which include the weight routine. Last night I was pretty beat so I did 2 hours of cardio (my two dog walks). I'm pretty fortunate with my diet as my body cannot tolerate processed food, and I'm feeling sorry the next day. I don't even crave it at all.

~*~*~*~*jobbity job vibes for Fj~*~*~*~* how's 'roo doing?

Turbo, Em was also sick yesterday. How's he doing today? Sorry about the shitty day and upcoming having to play nicey nicey weekend.

Soooo last night, yes there were firefighters sitting outside, well the doors were open and the cuties were out there. My head was turned all the way around, and I got some stares back. Soooo, cop called and on my way to see him, I again drove past the fire hall. mmmmm. Then I took the dog for a second walk, but the cuties were eating dinner. sad.gif Alas, I got me some HBI and some oogles!

here's hoping my appointments show up today, I had 3/4 of my appointments yesterday not show up. It made for a dreadfully slow day.

Good Things Tuesday.
1. It's gorgeous outside.
2. Pesky cold seems to be hiding right now.
3. Getting a cheque for car insurer as they posted a profit, and everyone gets a refund!
4. HBI last night.
5. I loaded a really good CD or world music into iTunes and it is really good.

ooooh that reminds me, my iPod couldn't be fixed sad.gif but the warranty covered a new one! I got it last week, and ALL the music is finally loaded onto my new laptop and CH the sequel ipod.

i think i pulled a boob muscle. *tries to take a sip of a shake, trips and falls down a flight of stairs, resulting in a milkshake facial and a paper cup for a dunce hat*

ps. i am trying to make a deadline, ch i'll email you as soon as i can.
Misogynistic treefucker.

That's what my student called her boyfriend as she was dumping him. laugh.gif Gosh, I'm so proud of her...
Hi GT! I will watch my inbox.

Minx, that is the.greatest.insult.ever.

How did your date go??????????
It went really well, but I'm not sure where it's going. It's a little complicated as he's going through the latter stages of a very messy divorce with someone who is fairly mentally ill. I'm trying not to get excited about it because it's too easy to become disappointed, especially with the debacle that was the headhunter I dated back in January. Everything was going really well and then...well, then I basically figure out that he's married and has been playing me.

But yeah, he's really nice and I really enjoyed his company.

Plus he's total lunchmeat. tongue.gif
Good morning.

Bleargh, I'm nervous as all hell. I can't believe I'm going to do this. All my instincts have flown out the window - I have no idea what's going to happen.
Minx, that is complicated. I hope everything goes well for you, you deserve it!

(((((doodle))))) ~*~*~*calming vibes~*~*~*~*
Hi again....

Hi to CH, minx, kari, marileen, turbo, GT, erin, anna....and everyone else....poodle, I know she's gotta be around somewhere!

I'm okay. I'm calm, but with a heavy feeling inside, and I've been shaking a bit. Why do I assume this is going to go badly? Maybe I'm the one giving mixed signals and confusing the fuck out of him, too. Who knows? Gah.
doodle, you'll be fine. the worst part is the anxiety and the not knowing. even if he says that he's not interested in anything more than your current relationship, at least you will be able to put your mind to rest. i think things are going to be ok though. don't make it too heavy, but just let him know how you feel! i'm ALL about communication in relationships. down with games!

ch, oooh, cop portions! nice! i've had a lot of portions lately. i might have strange older man with an accent portions this weekend. but i don't want to jinx it so i'll talk about it after the fact. *cough cough*

minx, good luck with mr. lunchmeat. i hope his divorce isn't as messy as you think, or that it cleans up fast. i love seeing you in here.
Hello hello everybody!

~*~*~*jobity job vibes for FJ~*~*~*~ Your siggy pic is so cute!

Ha ha ha, Mr. Lunchmeat! Minx, if you keep dating him you have to call him that here!

Good luck Doodle, it will be fine. Like FJ said, then you'll have expressed your feelings and can find out where he is at and go from there and not feel so angsty and confused about it anymore.

Turbo, I'm sorry to hear about Turbodoggie and I sympathize. I hope he feels better soon. I had to clean up a lot of poo in the house this past month with Abe's colitis. Fortunately his second round of antibiotics has been working so it's over for now and, I hope, permanently. That is no fun.

I wish I could afford to hire a professional organizer or a magical cleaning fairy. I have so much crap to deal with that I am just overwhelmed and it is SO hard for me to throw anything away and then I get anxiety and go hide from it. My brother is flying to town tomorrow so he and my parents will be over at my house and it is still a pretty big mess despite cleaning for the past two days. Tonight is going to really suck because I have to get at least a bare minimum done so it isn't a complete disaster. It's not like they care so much but it is a pride thing for me and I don't want them to see it this way. Jeffrito can help with a lot of the common areas but a lot of it is my mess and he can't really deal with it for me.

((((((calming vibes for doodle)))))) breathe, my dear, and know that this is a talk that you need to have for YOUR sake, and that all will be well. Clarity is a good thing, and this friendship is too important to let stuff hang in the air.

Well, I'm just going to call this shitty things Tuesday:
1. Call from dogwalker at noon - diarrhea all over the house
2. Call from husband 20 minutes later - he's been in a car accident
3. Car is totaled. done. kaput.
4. Another $200 at the vet, bringing the month's total to $350, and we still have to do vaccinations. ugh.

Good things:
1. Turbomann is perfectly fine, no injuries
2. His co-worker who was in the car is fine too.
3. Neighbors loaned turbomann their car to take turbo to the vet.
4. We can keep the neighbor's car for a couple days until we figure something else out.

So that's the story today...I'll be back later. Must take turbo out for a juicing. wink.gif

(((((((turbo))))))) oh dear. I'm glad that turbomann and coworker are okay. How is doggie? any idea what's causing the shits?


Hey Marileen, just throw everything out! It'll make you feel better! smile.gif

I took hound to the park worked out, and now I need food, I'm burping up the gross taste of protein supplement. Ewww, grossies.

oooh, turbo! sorry about the craptastic day!!! ((((((turbos)))))))

hi marileen! thanks for the props on the pic. that's what i get to look at all day long. seriously, he is smiling and laughing 90% of the day.

ch asked earlier, jackaroo is doing fantastical. he has taken very well to bedtimes now. it took us a little time to get him used to getting to sleep in his own bed but he's a champ now. he balks for about thirty seconds but then the powers of coldplay take over. yes, coldplay STILL knocks him out completely. that, and our beatles lullaby cd and he's even taking naps! NAPS! *knocks on wood*

ewwww, nothing worse than burping up vitamin ick!
*sigh* Well, he just wants to be friends.

But it was a very good conversation. Once I finally got going, I guess. It took a while to work up to it, but I was quite honest that I was working up to it. We walked around forever, and he kept making conversation to keep things going, and he bought me an ice cream, which I couldn't eat. Finally I just started talking about the song, my parents, the fact that I didn't let very many people get close to me - he said he didn't either - and that I didn't know how to read people very well because of all that. I brought up the first time I said I was attracted to him, when he said he had a girlfriend and wanted friendship, and I said I'd get over it....I said I hadn't, and the last little while I thought maybe I didn't have to. I said I felt like I was getting mixed messages, and maybe I was giving them. He said he kind of suspected my feelings, and didn't think he was giving mixed messages, but he didn't mean to, and he hadn't changed his policy. We both agreed that the friendship is very important to us. He said the only problem he saw was if I still couldn't get over my feelings, and I said ever since last year, I don't live my life past the next three weeks, but that his friendship was too important to me to lose. He said that settled it then. So then we turned around and walked back, and talked some more - honestly and openly, with a bit of gentle humour thrown in. I told him I had some songs I could play for him now without worrying - he said feelings are for grinding through and songs are for playing. I also said I knew it was a lot to throw at him, and I didn't mean to make things awkward - he said it was fine, and life is full of awkward moments, and he's been where I am so he understood. He was really gentle and sweet and good about the whole thing, and didn't make me feel bad or weird about any of it, or try to minimize or devalue what I was experiencing. It was a very open, honest conversation, and I'm glad we had it. Although when we were walking back, the wind was making my eyes water, and I think maybe he thought I was crying a bit. Well, whatever, I guess.

DAMN IT, though!!! Damn it to hell. WHY can't the perfect guy be the one for me?????? WHY?????

On the positive side, I suspect it was really important for me to be able to have that conversation with a guy if I ever AM going to have a healthy relationship. As I told him, I had to get it out there, because I don't want to live my life that old way anymore, hiding everything. And I'm so glad we could have that conversation and not have it be a big awful friendship-destroying thing. I AM grateful for his friendship - it's one of the most amazing friendships I've ever had.

On the negative side, now I have to figure out where to put my feelings, and what to do with my brain now that I don't have the possibility of him to think about.

That is my report.
((((((((((Doodle))))))))) I am so sorry that the feelings are reciprocated. But, like you said, at least you have the friendship right.

I am not too sure what to say about how to get over him. time is one of those things that helps. I am the type of person who goes into denial stage big time. I'll just avoid the feelings, I'll convince myself that there is nothing there, and when I finally do think about, all my avoidance has paid off. No more feelings. Unfortunately that often goes to an extreme and I'd rather gouge my eyes out than talk to the person again.


FJ, glad to hear that 'roo is doing great, and the boy has some great taste in music!
I'm very sorry that it didn't work out the way you had hoped, Doodle. But...who blows kisses at someone who you know is interested in you, when you aren't interested in them? Grumble, grumble. I want to send out the Bustie vigilante squad on your behalf, but if you want him as a friend, I'll have to hold back.
dusty, I was thinking about that when we were talking, and the XO thing, and a few other things....but bringing it up just seemed like beating a dead horse, I guess. I didn't want to start sounding bitter and petty over not getting my way. But yeah, I have a lot of unanswered questions that will probably have to remain unanswered. I've put it on the table, and that's where he says he stands. What else am I supposed to do? He's never said he isn't attracted to me, just that he hasn't changed his policy - I am kind of assuming from the way it came up that this means he is seeing someone and friendship is the way it is for us. Perhaps his mixed signals are unconscious and/or come out when we're smoking weed - I'm sure some of them are, because I'm not totally blind at reading body language....but I could spend a lifetime going over it and not getting anywhere. It would be worse on me if I spent my energy trying to figure out what's going on inside him.

And yeah, CH, I don't think I want to go your route of getting over someone! wink.gif

I'll probably work through it via music, as with all things. I'm sure there are new songs already brewing.

Seriously, I know it might seem unfathomable, but this guy IS really important to me, and if I have to get over the attraction thing, then that's what I have to do. If you all only knew him, you'd know what I mean. Just for starters, everything surrounding the music he brings to my life and inspires in me is like nothing else I've ever experienced before, and music IS the most important thing in my could I give that kind of relationship up? I have to face it - he's not my lover, he's my muse. Maybe there will be other muses, but for the last 2 months, he has been mine, and not just in terms of a handful of relationship songs, either. More things than I could even explain.

Yes, I am trying to keep it positive. I'm sure some form of heartbreak is going to catch up with me sooner or later. I am quite bereft at the idea of NOT having what I want with this guy, who seems so utterly perfect for me. But I am also going to stay determined not to lose what I have with him already, because he is fast on his way to becoming one of my best friends as well as being a true musical partner. And I do really believe it was important for me to initiate the conversation, because seriously, I've been avoiding those kind of conversations for years, and it didn't kill me after all, did it?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
((((((doodle))))) Even though the result of your discussion isn't what you hoped, I am SO proud of you for doing it. I know how hard it was for you to really open up and trust yourself to share everything, and you DID IT! And, you retained, and I suspect, deepened your relationship with BEB, and that's a beautiful thing. You've changed the focus of your life dramatically in the last year - in ways so beautiful and amazing, you were continuing to honor your new life by being honest with BEB. And while the sting is remain open to new possibilities, and they shall come, my dear. I just know it. smile.gif

And with that - its time for bed for me. I'm ready for this day to be over.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that you should interrogate him, or cause yourself extra stress to try and figure it out. I think it is very wise of you to understand that he could feel attraction for you and still be firm about not taking it there.

I can't get near any government web site relating to taxes. There goes my fantasy of filing online.
Oh, dusty, don't apologize!! I just meant that, yeah, it came up in my head, too....but I didn't take it there, and please don't send any vigilantes, 'cos he's actually a really nice guy!! wink.gif

turbo (and everyone), thanks for your sympathies and thoughts.

I'm still kind of okay with it. I think more than anything, I'm pissed off at the universe for sending me the perfect guy and then not letting me anywhere near him. On the other hand, it's really made me have to clarify what exactly it is that I want, and what I'm willing to risk to attain it. I can still remember comparing the crushee guys at the lotteries to BEB and going, "nope." If he hadn't turned up for me to make that comparison, I might have encouraged them, and I could be going out with one of them right now! But having known BEB, I know what I'm looking for, and I'm not going to settle for someone I don't feel the same level of connection and trust with.

But if it's not going to be BEB, then I sure as fuck hope someone else comes along right fucking soon. I am so ready. SO ready. I'm tired of waiting.

I've been talking with doodlemama for the last hour. Now I'm going to go invent a song or something.
good morning!

((((((((((doodle))))))))) let me just tell you to go re-read the wise turbo's post. she took the words out of my mouth. i am SO proud of you for confronting this head-on and like you said, doing things differently than usual. i think it goes a long way in showing how much you have grown and changed over the past year. you've truly let your health scare be a catalyst for positivity in your life and i fully respect that. and i suspect beb appreciates that as well. don't be mad at the universe for bringing him into your life... he obviously has brought you a lot of happiness so far. i agree, do NOT avoid him, even if you feel like hiding away. if you're to maintain the relationship as it was, show him that you're capable of being around him just as you were.

ugh, i am SO tired. i fell asleep last night with 'roo (after i wrote that about him sleeping so well, he woke up and was holding on to his mouth like his tooth was bothering him so i laid him in our bed for a cuddle and fell right to sleep) and he woke up at 6am. now i'm just waiting for naptime. huh.gif

on the job front, if you remember, i met with the manager last tuesday and it seemed to go really well. the potential officemates seemed cool, like we'd get along well. then the manager sent me some online tests to take (personality, basic skills assessment) and i got those back to her by friday. i emailed her monday to make sure she'd received them and she responded that she had rec'd the results and that they were great. now, the only hold-up appears to be the internal employee in wisconsin. she said in her email that "things look like they're going to work out" but that she has to wait to see if hr is going to make her interview the other guy. apparently, he isn't set to come to fl until the 9th of may, so i'd have to wait at least that long to find anything out. she said she should know by friday this week if she will have to interview him. i'm thinking this is a good sign... esp if the decision is ultimately hers to make. if she doesn't like the guy, she can just thank him for coming and give me the job. but, because he is internal it might not be that easy. anyway, thanks for the vibes so far!! i am sure they'll work - they always have in the past!

(((doodle))) Sigh.. I was SO hoping for a wind-swept Scarlett O'hara kiss or something. Sucks.

I've been around, lurking, but havemn't felt much like chatting. Today, though, I have some good news, so I'm chatting!

Good things, Wednesday edition:

1. I bought a laptop yesterday! It was through an oline sale at Dell, and I'm getting a 1.100 laptop for just under $700! A bito over $700 once tax sand shipping are included...but stilL! YEAH!
2. With my company closing down, I elected to take a disbursement of my 401K money and use it to pay off old CC debt. So, now, we are $7K closer to being debt free. We still have a ways to go, b/c of sheer stupidity as young kids and taking too long to start tackling it, but this goes a LONG way to help!
3. My 2 yr old kid had NO potty accidents yesterday! She was SOOOO proud of herself at bedtime when her "monkey" underpants (curious george) were still dry! I love seeing that accomplishment on her face.
4. Off work today...about to go work on painting my dining room. House projects make me happy. today a bit better than yesterday?

FJ- any word on jobby job? oh! HI! cross post! will read now.

Hey Dusty, there was something on CBC this morning about e-filing, because the system is funky right now, you have until May 6 to e-file.

Doodle, I harbour things. But, most men don't bring as much joy and inspiration to my life, as BEB does to yours. Perhaps it is right now that isn't the right time. Or maybe BEB is meant to be a muse instead. I agree with FJ and Turbo both.

Turbo, so wise you are. *in best yoda voice*

~*~*~*~*jobbity job vibes for FJ~*~*~*~*

Mey Mox! That's a killer deal on the lap top! Woot on the accident free day for moxette!

I actually got up early and did some cardio this moring, it's going to be amazing out there today, and I'm getting my legs sugared at lunch, I hate hate hate shaving my legs, I've gone to the woman before for other work and she's very good.

Now for some reason my investment money isn't coming out of my account, I must find out what's going on.

Good Morning!

((Doodle)) I will just echo the others...I am really proud of you for taking the inititative with BEB. At least now you know his intentions, disappointing as they are. sad.gif I'm with dusty...I don't know how he is confused about sending you mixed signals. But, I'm also with you on the fact that you just have to let that go. At least now that you know the score, you can move on. And I think it is wonderful that you guys are still going to be friends.

((jenn)) geez, you had a time of it the other day between turbo & turbomann! I am so relieved to hear Turbomann is ok after the accident. Car accidents scare me to death. How's the turbodog feeling today?

CH, that's a whole lotta workouts! I'm doing good to get in 3 to 4 hour workouts in a week. I'm going to power sculpt tonight. It always kicks my ass.
In a good way. wink.gif

GT-ouch! A pulled boob muscle! How are you feeling today?

Hey Moxie! Woot for a new computer!! And for paying off some more debt!

~~~~~~job vibes for FJ!~~~~~~

Where's diva been lately? And poodle? I meeeece them!

Things here are good today. Chilly start to the day, but it is supposed to get to 70 degrees by lunch. I worked at home yesterday & took the last 2 hours of the afternoon off. Mr K & I went to a home improvement store to look at kitchen stuff. We're doing a small redo. Putting in new counters, floors, sink, faucet, lighting and tearing down the paneling on the wall. We're not going to do a huge overhaul...just a little modernizing. It sounds like a lot, but we are using fairly modest materials. It was fun to shop for the stuff.

I have a good deal of work to do today, so I've got to get crackin'!

OMG, (((Turbo and Turbofam))) what an awful day! I'm so sorry.


Ha. Apparently the catch is that today is still the deadline for putting the cheque in the mail, so I still basically have to do it tonight. I thought I had it mostly done last night, when I noticed the new forms. I so smart.

Today is my last day at work.

My back/shoulders are really sore. Last night, I found a flax seed/lavender heat pad in my cupboard with no instructions and I found something online that said three minutes in the microwave. Well...I am still dogged by the smell of burnt popcorn and I left it out on the balcony this morning just in case something is smouldering away in there.

Boo on the boob muscle, GT. I'm such a baby, but does electrolysis hurt?
it's me again.

My first appointment didn't show up.

Kari, the reno's sound great!!!!

Dusty, how did you hurt yourself? Ick taxes.

I have nothing going on at the moment. I feel like eating a cookie, which is odd, I normally don'tc rave sweet food, but it's been a while since I've had anyhing really sweet. I did just have some tasty strawberries though, maybe that'll help.

I think it is from hauling my heavy bag around, CH. I dunno, it just catches up with me once in a while.
I was hoping for a wild sordid tale of HBi that included swinging from the chandelier. or something.

Sound like you need a massage! Relaxy-tastic.
oooh oooh! me me! i need a massage too!!
anna k
(((((Best wishes to turbofam and doodle)))))))

Lately I've been reading this blog Sunset Gun, it's by a film critic who loves old movies and reccomends a lot of lesser-know gems. There's a lot that I've seen, remembering myself as a teenage film buff, and overlooked movies from the past couple of years that I didn't go to see. She'll have Youtube clips up and lots of pictures and good write-ups. Lots of goodies to check out.

In my body sculpt class on Monday, the female instructor, who is a flirty and witty type, said I had nice boobs as I was doing a chest exercise. I have triple-D's, so they can be noticeable as va-va-voom boobies. I wasn't offended, it was cute and funny.

I'd like to go away this summer. I'm saving up my paychecks, and would like to join some kind of tour group in a European city that will teach me new things while still allowing me my independence. I'll be 25 this year, and would like to go outside of the country (I've been to Montreal, but that was a family trip that was stifling at times). I just think a lot about my own mortality and what the world will be like in years, and want to do this so I don't feel bored in my life.
Hi, ladies. I was in the neighborhood, thought I'd say hello. Hope all of you are warm and fuzzy! Can't stay. Downloadable porn accumulating at unfathomable amounts while I waste time here. Must go! smile.gif
Hi all...just checking in to let you know I'm not moping! Okay, well, I am a little. wink.gif But I haven't cried or anything. I am ready to move on, but I have to process it, too, so I CAN move on, and so the friendship/musical partnership can move forward. Thanks for all your thoughts and words.

I am mucking about with music today - haven't written anything yet, but playing around with a few songs. And thinking. And mucking about. And thinking. I'm kind of glad I have this time off, although I do hope for some more temping work soon. Tomorrow and Friday I am at the clothing store. Think I will phone the temp agency tomorrow and see where that's at.

Never recorded this before, so I fired up a doob and took a stab at doing Ramble On:

Ramble On (high bandwidth)
Ramble On (low bandwidth)

FJ, what would you like me to massage? laugh.gif

Anna, you should take a trip!! Anywhere specific you want to go?

Hi Mr. FJ, bye Mr. FJ!

Doodle, I'm glad that you are doing okay. (((((doodle)))))

I'm beat today, did some downloading of music, body quite sore, I'm going to hit the sheets soon.

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