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Full Version: Fun with Floggers II -- BDSM revisited.
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*tiptoeing in*

as a sub, i prefer the ones with about 15" of "tails" and the ones with the suede tails. i've never had bruises left by a flogger, but i have had red marks. i like the feeling of a flogger much better than a whip or cane. those just plain hurt! i love autumn rocks!

*tiptoeing back out
I prefer something that gives a nice deep thud or whack, almost like a ping pong paddle. With that said, I should say that I prefer paddles.
*squeal* thanks GT for that great post. Mr. Pugs and I were talking about getting a flogger the other night. I told him that sub-shop has a "create your own" flogger. You can pick the colors and what not. They look like fun. Your post cleared up a lot of confusion.

As far as asking a sex shop employee in my area for assistance...yeah it's not happening. We have three sex shops in our area. The first is Pure Fantasy which is more about porn and motion lotion. The other is Birds and Bees which is more of a vanilla type of sex shop if there is such a thing. The third is called the Red Room or something. We haven't been there yet but have talked about going. We do have a tiny joke of a flogger in the back of the end table in our bedroom that we got at The Mood in South Street in Philly. They actually had a selection and we could probably stop in there and even get assistance but it's over an hour away from our home. We've just been a little to busy to make the trip.

I really feel like the "create your own" flogger on sub-shop might be our best bet. I think we will talk about it soon.

Thanks again,

I went to my local sex shop the other day and held a few of the types of floggers. There's so many choices out there! I found one really neat website earlier today (LINK) and explored there a bit.
A question on pricing. It seems like quality floggers are in the 150-200 dollar range. Is that an accurate assumption? Should I be paying more or less?

Thank you everyone for all of your advice. It's made me quite happy.
on that score i can't help. i'm rather ashamed that i haven't got any sort of quiver when it comes to bdsm equipment. *shrugs* some how i end up playing with people who are more experienced than me, and i end up using their stuff. the upside is that i've learned a lot. lol... seems that they love when someone asks them to give them a primer on a certain implement or technique....

*sheepishly* i haven't bought any equipment in 6 years. i haven't had to. :/

as for that site... it's a keeper. any place that has that many different skins they've made floggers from is worth their salt. i'll have to ask daddy if she knows that company. but i think it's the place that my friends from "motivational tools" swear by.

speaking of which... this weekend i get daddy and i are going to portland-- it's offical. basically i am sub all weekend and i am going to get put thru my paces. this should be interesting. i've never spent so long as a sub. but i am told i am to be used by the couple who we're staying with, and i might be the center of a play party, which kinda scares me, but also excites me. the guy in the couple has had a long time fantasy about me (according to his wife, i am pretty much his ultimate fantasy, which is flattering), and i am sure he is going to have a ball. i'm hoping at some point, however that i get to do a little topping. i wanna hurt somebody!
Wait, as in Portland, OR? Cause I'm going to a play party on Saturday and wouldn't that be a funny coincidence?
why yes, i do mean portland or, (or p.o.'d)!

that'd be a riot! if you see a tall black ts, say hi.

*crosses fingers*
Tomorrow I think I'm going to go pick up a paddle!!!

And the top has a scene planned for me, he's not telling me when it's going to happen, he's not telling me what it's going to entail, and I've planted the seed about figging (thank you again to Miss Deena for planting that seed in me!).
Miss Deena
Ah Culture you make me jealous! I hope that your scene goes splendid and of course i want to know how you liked ginger, if you get to play with it.

I just got a new flogger a few days ago and I am just itching to work it out. I hope to use it tonight, we will have to see. Last night I had a most lovely time. We worked a butt plug in and then he fucked me from behind all while he had my hair tied to my waist by rope.

Yeah for play parties!
Miss Deena, as part of it, he's going to abduct me!!!!!
miss deena, um....hawt!
*skips into thread*

I got myself a handmade, solid oak paddle!!!!!!!!

Miss Deena
CH - Oooo I love the abduction bit, that is just so freaking hot! Paddle you say? Mmm you won''t mind if I drool just a bit I promise to clean my keyboard...

Thanks much GT!

It's going to be a really intensive evening, and again, since I don't know when it's happening, I have no idea what to expect. So there is some fear, but it makes way to adrenaline then CH gets very turned on. When it happens, I am going to post every last salacious detail.

A paddle! homemade, I'll take a pic and post it. One side is smooth, the other side is rough, almost like a sand paper strip on it.
Miss Deena
It sounds like it should be very entertaining and well worth posting about! I need to set up a very detailed play scean very soon. I am in need of extreme kinkiness.

I love playing with paddles! And I was going to ask if you would post some pictures but then I thought that would sound to crazy so I deleted it....To funny. Homemade that you made or that was made for you? And is it a company that others can get some of those most splendid toys? I need to find a good supplier and have not been to happy with what i have found so far.

Has anyone played with breast binding? Mmm
The gentleman who makes them is local, but with that said, he does make custom paddles. I'll track down his e-mail addy and I can forward it on to you.

Miss Deena, for sure ask away! I'm all for that.
Speaking of pictures. Are these not beautiful? This guy makes them by hand and sells them on ebay. He'll make them any size you need which is good since I'm plus size. He also makes them without the stones. They come with a special wrench/key thingy to unlock them.

Pictures of the paddle, as requested.

Pugs, very cool!

Miss Deena
Ah Culture you make me smile. That paddle is very beautiful and well made. I love the long paddles they feel better to swing for me. Have you had a chance to test it out yet, I bet it makes a great sound. Thank you for sharing those pictures with us!

Pugs - Those are so pretty!

I have been told I am an exhibitionist, I guess I am, for I just loved giving my driving partner a hand job while we were on a sunset jaunt.
Miss Deena, I haven't had a chance to try it out yet. sad.gif Soon enough, there is only one who will try it at this point, I don't think the others would feel comfortable whacking me with it! I did give myself a whack with it, not exactly the same, but it will be a lot of fun.

I loves me some exhibitionism. I totally am, oh the things I've done... smile.gif
Miss Deena
ohmy.gif Not tried it yet! What a shame. *giggle* On that not I have a flogger that I got and have not had a chance to try that out either. And i must agree that using it on yourself just is not the same. I hope you get a chance very soon, for I am sure that you are itching to try it.

The most public place so far is a steam room with glass doors at a hotel. That was such a rush!
I'm dying to try it out. With that said, the timing has to be right, I can' always take it that well, the week before my period is hands down the best time for the most extreme. I can always take it, but that week is the best.

Sigh. I want to use it soooooo badly.
Okay, I don't know if this is the right place for this discussion/question, but I am thus prompted by girltrouble to go ahead and post here! So I will. If I should take it to the General Sex thread or some other place, please tell me.

I have been thinking lately, or wondering, about the nature of pain and pleasure, and wondering what fits in to the BDSM category.

A little background: I have painfully twisted up myofascial tissue all around my muscles (chronic myofascial pain), underneath my skin. I have huge knots and big blister patches of little tiny (really painful) knots. Sometimes I always hurt, sometimes it's localized and really bad, sometimes I can ignore it, but it's always there, somewhere in my body. I have let no one touch some of these areas of my body - not even a massage therapist or a lover....until I met this guy. This guy is the only guy I've ever known who knows how to give a massage the way I really want it and need it: brutally. He is strong and he works my body over like a big lump of sculptor's clay. And shortly into our sexual affiliation, I've started letting him go after the REALLY painful blisters of twisted tissue. It hurts like hell - ALL massaging the way I really want it hurts, but I feel like I need it that way, because it's the only way I can get a release. Before this one, I found most massaging too light and not long enough, plus I was extremely ticklish to lighter touches and found medium-strength touching to give me sharp, unenjoyable pain....seriously, there are places his strong hands go that no human being has ever even been allowed to even brush up against, and it's like I NEED that deeper pain.

And the funniest thing is, when this guy works my body, it's like the pain BECOMES pleasure. He knows exactly how to find my pain spots and sneak up on them, pushing the pain to only the very limit that I can take it, and then turning it into pleasure. Like, seriously, I get turned on, in a big way. We both do. I can take this pain/pleasure paradigm for a long time, and he can give it for a long time (he's REALLY strong and fit), and it puts us into this mutually meditative state of pre-orgasmic bliss, like he is totally reading my body and I'm letting him, and it's all about him working THROUGH my pain to release my body (and my mind, too, I think....I have to go so far inside myself to let him "hurt" me like this). I don't even resist any of it, unless it's absolutely too painful. It seems to always ends with me begging for his cock in my ass and collapsing and almost passing out on the bed works me up so much. The ass sex never hurts, but I get a deep ache in the rest of my body, from the brutalizing torture (he even calls it that), and I seem to revel in's a good ache. I feel so much more at home in my body these days, and I am always anticipating the next brutal massage that will end in a good, hard ass-fucking.

Maybe I'm misunderstood the pain/pleasure paradigm of BDSM, but lately it's got me thinking that what I'm experiencing follows parallel lines. I realize that pain is not the whole gamut of BDSM, and yes, we do play around at other games, like role play and light bondage, and a bit of ass-slapping...and I'm thinking about maybe going further. But I'm wondering if I'm way off base in thinking this itself is a form of BDSM, and I'm also wondering what others think about it? I'm not writing this to acquire (or avoid) a label, but I am very curious.
for me BDSM is kind of a catch all.

in some circles, they use the acronym, WIIWD-- which stands for What It Is We Do, to explain things. since there are so many things that fall under the BDSM rubic, and it's so different for each person/couple.

i like that you used the word paradigm, since that's how i think about BDSM-- it's more of an aproach of exploration, and as you said, it's more than just pain and pleasure. it's about 'scratching an itch' that you know you have or being touched in a new way, so to speak. it's about exploring psychological, emotional or physical, or any combonation there of. it really is what you put into it or what you want to get out of it.

when dealing with the physical (in this case i am talking about it as a top), to me it is about learning my partner's body, what it responds to, trying things and figuring how their body works and then using that to take them somewhere. add the psychological and emotional and that journey can be spiritual. bdsm gives me a kind of arsenal to try things. i can use implements: rope, flogggers, whips, canes, or just my body. i can use mood:words, clothes, role playing, fetishes. i can use time, anticipation, attraction, i can use your senses, playing with sound and sensation.

but i am babbling on. you want to know if it's a form of BDSM. i'd say yes, but i have a rather expansive view of it. lol... to me if it's not missionary or if harsh words are said it's bdsm. just kidding. my suggestion is that you talk to your friend about his aproach and how he manipulates your body so that you can give that information to your other partners. *shrugs* that way you can teach others to make you feel good, which isn't a bad thing. plus you might just learn something about your own body, which can't be a bad thing.

i don't know if you had question, but that's my take on your sitch. wink.gif
I think there is a myth and misconception, lets say a mythconception, about what BDSM. Those outside the realsm of BDSM, or kink, seem to think that it's all about pain and verbal abuse, leather fetishes and "lick my boot heals you worthless dog" kind of thing. There is far more to it. As GT said earlier, anything that isn't vanilla is BDSM to me.

The pleasure/pain thing as your describing, Doodle, is an element of BDSM. There doesn't *have* to be sex involved, in your case, often times it does. It's your foreplay, you know how things are going to end up, it's your play. The end result of BDSM isn't always a bloody back, we all have our own things. I personally love having marks left on my body. It's a secret reminder of what I've done and my kinks. Makes me smile when I see where things can go and what has happened.

I'd say sure, why isn't it BDSM. Just because it may not be that hardcore yet, doesn't mean it isn't BDSM. Look at the people who have the fetish of dressing up as babies then getting "scolded" by a nanny, there is no pain there, but it is still a fetish and kink.
Miss Deena
There have been people in my life that when they found out about me interests think that I just like to "beat up people". I can say that yes I enjoy causing pain, but more so I want my partner to enjoy the pain I am causing. I think it is great that you found someone within whom you can trust your most guarded spots. If you are finding pleasure in your pain then enjoy your pleasure. You can call it whatever you like, you don't have to try and fit it into a category if you don't want to. The couple who has never before had anything but vanilla encounters, one night blindfolds their partner, they don't think it anything but spice. They don't ever say that they are experimenting in BDSM but in truth some might call it so. If you are interested in more forms of pain/pleasure or want to add it into your play then good for you. Closing your eyes and pretending you don't like it because it doesn't fit into what others believe to be normal won't bring you the pleasure you could have. So I say enjoy and treasure it for what you are able to share.

*my two cents*

So my one girlfriend, we'll call her Rena has been driving me crazy. She lives with her boyfriend and they got engaged back in December. This guy she's with really, really loves her but she is just bat shit crazy. One minute she's up and one mintues she's down, emotionally that is. I mean I can't keep up with her and neither can he. She's very hard on him. He tries to do everything she want and to her it's just not enough. We've been fighting about her attitude for almost a year now. It seems that in the last year it's just gotten out of control. Last week she kind of did something to me that pissed me off badly. So yesterday I wrote her this long email telling her how I felt about everything. When I sent it to her I blind carbon copied her fiance so he'd know where I stood. I've never really talked to him one on one. So after he gets the email he writes me and says that he'd like to call me that night if I wouldn't mind. I said of course.

Last night he called. I thought we were just going to talk about how bratty she is and that maybe he was thinking of leaving her. He asks me if she's every mentioned this one particular guy's name. I told him yes but it was a long time ago. Apparently, it's her boss or something. He and his wife are in a 24/7 BDSM marriage. Well, this married dominant man has been activily pursing Rena. They've been text messaging back and forth for months now. Rena is completely vanilla and I know she has no clue that this guy could potentionally be a predator. When she's with him I think he emotionally dominates her. I think he puts her in subspace with what he says then when she's not with him she crashes and takes it out on her fiance. This dominate knows that she is engaged and is still giving her the full court press. Now she is sneaking around behind her fiance's back.

She usually shares everything with me but she hasn't told me any of this. She tells her fiance that she's only talking to this guy because he gives her information about the lifestyle to improve her and her fiance's sex life/relationship. I think this is bullshit. She knows I am in this lifestyle as well and that if she wanted information she could come to me. This dominate has her in his grasp and I think she's about to loose her fiance.

Her fiance was really upset last night talking to me. I've known this guy for eight years and he's never confided in me like this. He's very worried and doesn't know what to do. He's convinced that she's cheated and to be honest so am I. I think this dom has gotten into her head and she thinks she has nothing to loose.

He was going to talk to her last night. The "big talk" and lay it all out for her. He was going to tell her that him and I talked also. Then he was going to email me later today to tell me how it went. He asked me that if he can't get through to her would I talk to her about what I know about this lifestyle and to try to convince her that this dom has his own desires at heart and won't stick around when she crashes and burns. I told him I would try but I don't know how deep she is in with this dude.

If I have to talk to her what do I say? How do I start this off? We've never been shy about sex wth one another. We've always been able to talk openly about these sorts of things. I've already pushed her away with this email that I sent her only because I didn't know what was really going on. Now I have to rebuild that friendship and try to save her from this dom who is pursing her. I also need to convince her that she really is happy with her fiance and that this dom is not looking out for her best interests. How do I say all that?
sorry...double post
my advise, pugs, whenever talking to someone about a topic you've heard about first from another party is to feign innocence.

so to talk to your friend about what her fiance said to you, you could say, 'your fiance said that your boss was a dom. has your boss talked about the lifestyle? it'd be so cool to talk to someone else in the lifestyle!!' you bring up the subject but in an oblique manner, she can feel like she can confide in you. but if you tell her her fiance called you and told you everything. to her you've taken sides. thing is to kind of play therapist. you can have an opinion, but convey it by asking the right questions. do your level best not to say it, untill you've been pushed to it.

did he tell you about my boss?
-no, i called him to tell him about (something), a long time ago, and he said something about your boss being funny. i asked how, and he said he's into that thing that you and mr pugs are into, you know, bdsm.

-i thought that was odd, cos, i wonder how he knew. mr pugs and i only tell close friends, so i was wondering if he had some flogger lying around or something.

i kind of have a thing going with the boss.... it's weird.
- what kind of weird? is he married?

its in the questions. if she says yes, then you can tell her if he is married, but polly or an open relationship, then the wife should have no problem talking to your friend.

make her think. remind her that it's best to be cautious when dealing with bdsm. trust is crucial. but more if she's interested in the lifestyle, she needs to talk to her fiance.

hope that helps pugsy.
*sticks head in*

I saw this and immediately thought of you guys; don't think it's covering anything that hasn't been talked over here, but... I'm kindof cheered it's beginning to be discussed more positively in feminist circles.

pugs, how did things go?
interesting article morn. i think BDSM does bring all sorts of reactions within the feminist community. some of which we tried to discuss several moons ago. oy vey. remember THOSE conversations in this thread. rolleyes.gif

pugs, wow, what a complicated story. my first guy instinct is...stay out of the drama. do not put yourself in the middle of the fracas. i'm sure you mean well. but, i don't think it is wise to take on someone else's relationship issues. it sounds pretty unfortunate that this couple is having problems.
remember THOSE conversations in this thread.

all too well. this thread, others, and some pretty bad pms. i was rereading them last weekend. as much as i thought i was over it, i've still got hard feelings about some of the things said by certain people...

nice to see the point i was trying to make made other places tho.
It is surely a mistake for anyone within the feminist movement to sit in judgement on another woman’s sexual preferences.
thanks for the linky, mornington. i went and found the writer's blog... turns out ze is a f2m tranny.

on second thought, if you can extricate yourself from the sitch, do. listen to star. if not, i hope my advise was helpful.
*peeks head in to say hi*
I will have a few questions after I've down more reading... I get so hot reading this thread...
*pokes head out while waving bye*
actually, the next day after i talked to her fiance...he texted messaged me and said that they had their talk and everything went much better then he thought it would. since that i haven't heard a peep. i'm kinda glad. my brain went into vacation mode and stayed there all week and i didn't feel like dealing with the drama. seriously, she never listens to a word i say anyway so it's kinda pointless. she's going to do what she wants to do anyway. thanks for all the advice.
I remember when all that shit went down. Disaster.

I'm just going to say, how is taking control of your sexuality NOT feminist?? As those of us who engage in D/s stuff, it's all about mutual love and respect. People who attack D/s 1) don't know about it and are scared of it or 2) are one of those people who engages and are trying to take the attention away from themselves.

I know when I'm in a scene I feel very loved and respected by my top. Even aside from our sexuality, there is mutual respect and caring about our friendship.


Pugs, glad to hear that everything went well with your friend.
gt... have to admit, I was pleasantly surprised to find the article on that site, as it's usually quite (how best to say this)... sexually conservative is probably the best description. I'm not trying to start that conversation up again, I just wanted to point it out as it's a uk blog so I figured you guys would be less likely to have seen it.

culture... I ended up writing the author a comment saying thank you, as well as saying that I felt my kinkier relationships were those in which I felt accorded more respect and worth, and as such, I'm likely to consider those relationships more "feminist", especially as I feel I'm being true to myself within that relationship.

pugs... glad it worked out and you didn't have to go through trauma.
i want to share some thoughts if no one minds.

lately i've found that i'm being very mean to myself. i don't believe mr. pugs when he says he finds me attractive. i feel like the ugliest, fattest person whenever i'm in a crowd of people. i don't feel like i offer anything to the relationship. i feel like i owe mr. pugs something all the time and i hold him higher then myself.

mr. pugs got really angry with me while on vacation because of this. he gets angry when i call myself fat or unatttractive. he gets angry when i say that i don't bring anything to the table and he could just leave me at any time. he said he was just frustrated with my attitude.

so i watched myself for the next couple days and he's soooo right. when we were in the pool while on vacation i seriously kept covering myself because i felt like a whale while everyone else was a toothpick. to be honest, everyone in the pool was overweight. even the lifeguard was curvy. mr. pugs is overweight, our friends are overweight. the two other ladies swimming at the pool were obviously plus size. why do i then feel like the largest person in the crowd? mr. pugs never says anything to me about my weight other then i'm beauitful, sexy and turn him on constantly.

one thing is my mother is very hard on me about my weight. it's gotten to the point where i hate seeing her because she always says something about the clothes i wear. i'm trying to show a little more clevege and wear more feminine shirts instead of just oversized t-shirts because mr. pugs says i look so good. i like how he makes me feel but then my mom will say something and i feel ugly again. i'm trying to loose weight by dieting and exercise and i'm doing well but she puts pressure on me to stick to it and not to quit like i've done all the times before. i get frustrated and the pressure to not fail is too great and i quit. so i think i just need to stop listening to her and just do what i want to do.

the other aspect is the fact that i'm not working. right now i am for this summer internship but after august i'll be back to student status again going to school fulltime and mr. pugs will be bringing in all the income. i feel like i've lost a bit of my independence and self esteam by turning over all the responsiblity to him. the one thing that always makes me feel good is our home. i feel like our home is really my home. i work hard to keep it clean, neat and i'm very proud of it. lately i've just slacked and i think i'm going to try to return to taking care of our home. i love doing it. it makes me feel good.

last but not least, i think i'm taking this "submissive" role the wrong way. i think i've lost myself a bit. i used to be this honry little sex goddess who would grab up on her man when no one was looking. i wore little shirts that showed my curves. i would talk dirty to him in his ear. i knew in my heart that i have him, he's mine and he wants no other woman. so why has this changed? why don't i feel like this anymore? it's not him. really it's not. he doesn't like this new me either. he liked the girl with the confidence. where did she go?

so i think i have to make some changes. here are my goals:

1) Stop listening to mom. She's an asshole. She's not helping only harming.
2) Keep dieting and exercising. I feel better when I'm eating better and taking my walks.
3) Focus on school. Doing well and getting great grades. That's my job, my work right now.
4) Focus on the house. That's my domain. I like it clean and I feel proud when I get things done.
5) Be more positive to myself. I'm smart, attractive, sexy, great in bed, funny and I bring a lot to the table.
6) Being submissive is good but being a brat is fun so I need to stop taking it so seriously. Mr. Pugs is a wonderful man but I'm a wonderful woman as well.

Can anyone else read this and understand what I'm saying and where I'm trying to go from here? I could use some advice or suggestions or something. I'm not fishing for compliments or a self esteam boast. I just want to share that I think I'm way to wrapped up in the keeping my head down and my mouth shut aspect of submission that I'm missing out on the fun that comes with breaking the rules or not doing what I'm told and challenging Mr. pugs to step up to me. I mean I think what he loves about me and always has is my confidence and it's just gone the last year or so. I have to work to get it back.
last but not least, i think i'm taking this "submissive" role the wrong way. i think i've lost myself a bit. i used to be this honry little sex goddess who would grab up on her man when no one was looking.... i would talk dirty to him in his ear....he's mine and he wants no other woman.

i think you put it perfectly, yourself, pugs. i think this is a trap that it's easy to fall into. i've done it a bit myself when i'm in sub mode. but i think you've got part of the solution too. you know who you are. work to get back in touch with that.

i think subbing sometimes, we get lost in the role, and it helps to have the top remind us not to lose those qualities we have that make us fun, interesting, a challenge, etc. contrary to a lot of attitude from tops, subs are not interchangeable. as corny as it sounds, they are *snicker* like little snoflakes.

silliness aside, it's true. each sub brings advantages, disadvantages, passions, dislikes, and the way they react to stimulous, can be intoxicating. but when i top, part of what i think of as my job is, to not just "do no harm" (metaphorically, of course), but also to make them better... to encourage them. i know i always go on about aftercare, but to me, that is a great place to make a real positive impact.

even when you are not doing a formal scene, but the sub is doing something you requested, to stop them, and tell them how much you value their work, attitude, well it can just rock their world.

but we were talking about you getting your 'spunk' back, pugs, and i think the top can help with that. it never hurts to remind subs of all the things you love about the sub. to reinforce all those fun quirky things, is super important. it reminds the sub, that they aren't just some blank slate. you want, appreciate them specifically. subs LOVE to be loved. after all they are working to please the top, right?

dunno that's my 2 cents. but i love hearing about you and mr. pugs. you guys are great. and you are so loving to each other. it's sweet. and i love that he got mad at you for beating up on yourself. he's wonderful. i like that guy.
QUOTE(girltrouble @ Jul 7 2008, 12:52 PM) *

silliness aside, it's true. each sub brings advantages, disadvantages, passions, dislikes, and the way they react to stimulous, can be intoxicating. but when i top, part of what i think of as my job is, to not just "do no harm" (metaphorically, of course), but also to make them better... to encourage them. i know i always go on about aftercare, but to me, that is a great place to make a real positive impact.

even when you are not doing a formal scene, but the sub is doing something you requested, to stop them, and tell them how much you value their work, attitude, well it can just rock their world.

but we were talking about you getting your 'spunk' back, pugs, and i think the top can help with that. it never hurts to remind subs of all the things you love about the sub. to reinforce all those fun quirky things, is super important. it reminds the sub, that they aren't just some blank slate. you want, appreciate them specifically. subs LOVE to be loved. after all they are working to please the top, right?

(((pugs))) sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now. i think your post made perfect sense. it saddens me that your mom is not willing to encourage you and tell you how great you are just the way you are. it sounds like you are trying to nurture the part of yourself that still feels unloved. that's alot of work. i think your list was a great way of reframing what you are doing for yourself. you are making changes to feel stronger about yourself. that's good.

it sounds like you have alot of tension going on for you. i wonder if some time with mr. pugs, perhaps a spanking session, could help you. you have mentioned in this post how much of an emotional release you get. maybe this activity and the aftercare can help mr. pugs and you reconnect. if that makes sense. i could totally be in the wrong though.

and thanks for your honesty and sharing in this thread. i really appreciate it.
LMP- I understand what you're saying, too. I am really bad about beating myself up and assuming the worst. My man recently told me that my negativity is the hardest thing for him to deal with in our relationship. That was kinda a wake up call for me, and I am trying to work on not jumping to the worst conclusions all the time and not making negative comments about myself. From everything you write on here, it seems like you and your guy have an amazing relationship and such intense feelings for each other. It's really a pleasure to read about it. I think you may be getting yourself worked up into a negative mindset and are only seeing the bad side of things. I do that, too! You've helped me out when I've posted in those moods, so hopefully this will be some help to you. One thing I thought of immediately when reading your post, and feel free to disregard this if it's not helpful, but it might help to take away the focus on dieting and losing weight and just think in terms of being healthy. People can be completely healthy and in great shape and still be what might be considered overweight. As you said, you feel better when you eat well and exercise, so try to focus on that aspect of it rather than just telling yourself you need to lose weight. It sounds like you have some great goals to work on, and I know you can do whatever you put your mind to. You're always talking about how stubborn you are, right? smile.gif
Mr Pugs
I try to be as supportive as I can be, aside from killing her The negativity aspect kind of rings true for us as well. We feed off of each others mindset and emotions. Last night I'm playing a video game and the online lag is kicking my ass. I get all grumpy from it and notice that LMP is feeding off of it. I stopped playing the game, but the damage was done. We corrected that a little while later though.. tongue.gif I do notice that it is a two way street, when she's being negative, it brings me down and makes me grumpy and vice versa...

Thanks for the love GT, back at ya...
QUOTE(stargazer @ Jul 7 2008, 05:28 PM) *
it sounds like you have alot of tension going on for you. i wonder if some time with mr. pugs, perhaps a spanking session, could help you. you have mentioned in this post how much of an emotional release you get. maybe this activity and the aftercare can help mr. pugs and you reconnect. if that makes sense.

stargazer - you are probably right. i'm probably in need of one of these sessions. i fight them badly though. even when i know i need it and it will help. i hate the crying. mr. pug feels bad that he's hurting me. it's such an "event" if that makes sense. my cycle has a lot to do with it as well. my hormones rule my life sometimes. today i'm really tired. i'm exhausted. like mr. pugs said we had a late night last night. i think a good nights sleep will help me.

QUOTE(dayglowpink @ Jul 7 2008, 08:02 PM) *
One thing I thought of immediately when reading your post, and feel free to disregard this if it's not helpful, but it might help to take away the focus on dieting and losing weight and just think in terms of being healthy.

This is exactly what I'm doing now. We ate such bad foods and drank a lot while on vacation. When we got back I was actually excited to go grocery shopping for healthy foods. Lowfat yogurt, lowfat cheese, chicken breast, almonds, watermelon, blueberries, wheat bagels and peanut butter. Stuff high in protein and low in fat and carbs. I feel good just putting these foods in my body. Mr. Pug is eating along with me too. Again, him being supportive like always.

when mr. pugs said he was frustrated with the video game last night he wasn't kidding. he was yelling at the tv and i just can't understand playing a game that makes you angry. just turn it off right? well he did but like he said the damage was done and i was pissed. then he couldn't make up his mind what movie he wanted to watch. finally, we got a dvd in and we sat down to watch it and i was so worked up. he told me to come lay with him and i said no. well that made him angry because then he started to yell at me for not listening to him. in my mind i was saying why should i listen to someone who yells at a video game like a five year old? i don't want to submit to someone like that. after i calmed down i basically told him exactly how i felt and after a few more times of telling him no i think he got the picture. i got a couple hard slaps on the ass and then i laid with him to watch the movie. it really is amazing how at ease i get from just a few spanks. later on he absolutely made it up to me.

subs LOVE to be loved. after all they are working to please the top, right?

gt - you always hit the nail right on the head. that's what i love about you. i think i've been working so hard at loving him that i've sort of forgot to love myself also. sure, mr. pugs will empty the dishwasher without being asked. he'll buy me a new handbag while we are on vacation. to him this is showing his love. he's doing things that he knows makes me happy. but what also makes me happy is if he orders me to sit at his feet, or to come sit by his side, or to do things for him. the other day i was laying on the couch nude next to him and he was rubbing my ass and smacking me from time to time and just going on and on about what a great ass i have. i can tell you that is probably the most attractive i've felt in a long time. i mean just him having his hands all over me was great. last night when we were having sex i came really hard. when i come i sort of clench my legs together and he isn't able to thrust deep. well last night when i came i push my legs together and he pushed them apart and was telling me to open my legs and let him go deeper. it was so hard because my orgasm was so intense. i did it and he encouraged me and i could tell it turned him on. that made me feel sexy, submissive and pleasing to him. it was great.

sounds like you are trying to nurture the part of yourself that still feels unloved.

stargazer - the only part of me that still feels unloved is the daughter part of me. i have issues with my parents. more so my mom now. my dad and i have learned to talk to one another. we had a big blow out years ago that i think we both regret and since then we haven't fought like that ever again. my mom, however, just hurts me to the core all the time. the therapist i saw years ago said that my mom will never be what i want her to be and that i'll never be happy until i except that. it's very hard. i just have to limit my exposure to her.

well, i've gone on and on. these postings probably shouldn't be in this thread but there are so many issues i would know where to begin. hope no one minds. thanks for everyones comments and suggestions. they are much appreciated.

hey pugs, i was reading about the sitch with your mom... and i was watching this show, it's me or the dog (lol), and i love the dog training lady, cos as a friend pointed out, 'she dresses all severe. heels, black, leather coats. she's a dog dominatrix...' but that's besides the point, when dogs misbehave she teaches the owners a little trick i thought might work with you mom:

when puppies play they roughhouse and they don't know how strong they are. the way they learn is when one puppy gets hurt he yelps, then will not play. the dog domme tells the owners, when the dog misbehaves (bites, jumps up, etc) to yelp. then not play. she instructs them to turn their back to the dog for a while.

i think sometimes we talk about things too much and some people need terse directness, like that dog. a short, sharp, yelp might be what you need with your mom.

i don't know if you've done anything like this, but next time your mom starts, look her in the eye, say "you're hurting me." turn and walk out of the room. if she follows, then say, "stop hurting me." the thing i think is to get it thru her head that she's not helping, she's hurting.


i have to comment on this too!
but what also makes me happy is if he orders me to sit at his feet, or to come sit by his side, or to do things for him. the other day i was laying on the couch nude next to him and he was rubbing my ass and smacking me from time to time and just going on and on about what a great ass i have. i can tell you that is probably the most attractive i've felt in a long time. i mean just him having his hands all over me was great.

YES!!!!! OMG, YES! i think i am happiest when daddy gives me things to do for her. she likes telling me to do the wash, and ordinarily i hate washing clothes, but when she looks me in the eye, lifts my chin and tells me i need do go downstairs n do her wash, i get all gooey. it gives me chills. i get a little happy anytime daddy touches me, it doesn't really matter. to me it means that she is thinking of me. so when we are on our 'puters or watching tv, and she puts her hand on my back, well i just love it. she teases me sometimes too. i get skinstarved sometimes when i am thinking about her, and kind of getting heated, she'll walk by, and i can't help it, i lean in her direction, and she will swerve away from me. hmph. but then she'll sneak up on me and blow on my neck, which sends me over the moon. but the best, the absolute best was i asked her to give me horsebites. that sort of sharp pain keeps me out of my head, and in tune with my body. i know daddy likes to hurt, and since i don't care for spankings, or paddles (daddy likes to hurt hard!) horse bites are the perfect solution. it's a very intense sensation enough to make me yelp, and i get to feel her hands on me.... i just loved it.

the only problem is she isn't very consistant. that lasted for 2 weeks and then she just forgot about it... sad.gif
i will try that with my mom. the thing is that she'll say things when i'm not there and she'll say them in front of my sister who will then repeat them to me. for example: we went to a baby shower and i wore this one shirt that my mom apparently doesn' t like. well when i walked in my mom was sitting at a table across the room and my sister said she sighed with annoyance and said, "Why does she wear that shirt? I looks terrible on her. I hate it." Well of course as soon as my sister and I were alone she told me what my mom said. My mom wasn't around so I couldn't say anything to her. Truth be told I wore the shirt knowing she hates it. I don't care what she thinks yet when my sister told me what she said i was really hurt even though i knew she'd have something smart to say. why do i set myself up for dissapointment like that? this is why i just avoid her all together now.

QUOTE(girltrouble @ Jul 8 2008, 10:30 AM) *
i get skinstarved sometimes

yes i do as well. i just need to be touched but i like heavy hands. i like the pressure on my skin. i don't care for light touches oh, oh except right after i orgasm cause my skins all sensitive. other then that i like rough or stinging sensations. i feel them more if that makes sense.

what is a horsebite?

Mr. Pugs pinches me under the arms. He leaves the little bruises on me all the time. having chunky arms no one ever sees them but I know they are there. they hurt when he does it and the sensation sticks for as long as 20 mintues sometimes. these little pinches are just something we do that no one knows about. i can't say i like it but it can't say i don't either. wink.gif

sounds like you need to tell your sister you don't care what your mom says, and she needs to stop relaying mom's messages.

i love that you wore the shirt to spite her...i <3<3<3 you, LMP! that's too funny!

as for horsebites when i domme, i love it. people think you are unarmed, but horse bites wake you up quick! it's usually done on fleshy parts, like the upper arm or thigh. but daddy does it anywhere.

it's like pinching with your whole hand instead of the finger tip of your index fingers and thumb. instead, use your fingertips (all four of them), and the heel of your palm grab some skin between 'em and pinch. you don't have to use your nails, but you can. it's basically cupping your hand with skin in between. it sometimes results in a bruise, always results in pain.

...I could recall the touch of her hand, how it could linger caressingly as it sought the optimum place on your thigh for a horse-bite. Her nails were bitten down but she could pinch long and hard. When she sensed victory she smiled, showing oversized new teeth, while her cheeks inflated and her eyes became slits....

lol... we had all sorts of painful little things we did to each other as kids..."indian burns" "slug bug" "vampire stakes (or it's varriation, "vein drain")" they are my faves when i domme, since no equipment is required.
That kink article was really interesting. As a hetero girl I've often wondered what it's saying when I submit myself to a man. But the author was right about how it's really the sub who has all the power. I let the guy know what I want done to me and how much is too much.

I noticed that you ladies treat bdsm as more of a lifestyle thing in your relationships. I'm not sure how I would feel if I had a boyfriend and he was always in control. Do you think that bdsm has to be a complete lifestyle thing or that it's okay to just keep it in the bedroom?
candy bdsm is what you want to make of it.

and we certainly have room enough in this thread for people who are curious, and people who are lifestyle. no body is better than anyone else. hopefully you do what makes you happy, as little or as much as that is.
in my relationship there are times when it contracts to just the bedroom (if you discount me calling my daddy, daddy), and other times when it expands. but i don't think any of us think bdsm is a one-size-fits-all sort of thing.

each of us like different things, have different needs, have different tempraments. figures that we'd want different things out of it.

the only thing bdsm, kink, has to be, in my view, is safe, sane and consentual.

and personally, my idea of what bdsm is is pretty broad.

but however you want to fit it in your life, or not, that's up to you. you don't have to prove anything to anyone. bdsm is about exploring your body, your desires, and so much more. but it's about you and your partner, and what brings you pleasure. nothing more.
Can someone tell me when other busties tried to talk about bdsm and feminism? I can understand how people would have some very strong views on it.

GT, I love hearing about your and Pugs' experiences. Sadly I am completely single right now but hopefully I'll be visiting Jefferson again in August and he can give me a good whooping. I'm kind of scared though, in future relationships about how I might bring up the fact that I liked to be flogged and caned. I have one friend that I've been really intimate with and he's made it clear that he could never bring himself to be dominant even if his partner really wanted it. Oh well. Hopefully I'll find that perfect guy, one who loves me and beats me. tongue.gif
you can look thru the older posts in this thread.

as for parters who love you and beat you, i think that is something that requires babysteps. my ex was into being choked, i never thought i could do that, but when we talked about it i saw how it really turned her on, and she explained the sensuality of it, and we agreed to give it a try. i was sheepish, to say the least, but i loved pleasing her, and that's how i started choking her, she choked me after that, and what do you know? i liked it!

sometimes all it takes is someone with an slightly open mind... infact thinking about it, most of the kinks i've enjoyed, i started out being rather hesitant about, but there was a girl who was into it, and had the patience to talk to me, and teach me.

i know you'll find someone... are there any kink organizations in your area? you could always go to a munch....

sigh... reading that tho.... i wish i had someone to cane.... that'd be dreamy.... *runs off to plot and plan*
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