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Full Version: Fun with Floggers II -- BDSM revisited.
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*sticks tongue out at those BDSM phobia people and blows a raspberry*

If you like it then do it. Don't worry about the rest of the world.

Mr. Pug just bought us this really cool velcro tape stuff. I think we are going to run it under the mattress and have some bondage fun.

Right now we are kinda having a tiff about "our" money which he treats like "his" money. So nothing much is happening in our bedroom. Hope everyone else is having fun.

Awww....thanks smile.gif It's so hard to lay back and enjoy things when you're so pissed off, I gotta say.

Muffy -- I wish I could be more help. Most of the people I've been with have been "into" BDSM to a greater or lesser degree, and the "big" conversation never really happened like that. Well, except for one guy, who didn't want to "hurt" me, which I tried to explain had completely missed the point, but oh well. I don't really know how all my friends and lovers have wound up being into bondage, except that maybe we all give off weird pheromones? I have no idea. I find it odd that most (if not all) of my friends are into kinky goodness, and we hardly ever even talk about sex.

In fact, my first "serious" boyfriend was very into it, so I never even had to feel like a giant freak during my formative sexual escapades. I realize I'm super lucky, especially after talking to some of my friends.

Anyway, I think I am rambling. I guess my advice to Muffy would be to be honest, because maybe they're attracted to your mysterious BDSM pheromones, and they're just waiting for you to bring it up!!
the nonsensical HaileyJohn's troll post has nothing to do with bdsm
wow. hailey's post is the most incoherent piece of trash i have tried to read. crazy.
No kidding; I think that cost me some brain cells smile.gif

Hope everyone's having a lovely time. Haven't been much in the mood for sex since my allergies mean I'm pretty much sneezing nonstop. Ugh. On top of that, my boyfriend FELL ASLEEP DURING SEX two weekends ago, at which point I went and slept on the couch. I was so, so pissed off. Everything was going lovely, nice spanking, lots of biting and whispers in my ear, then he gets off. Everything goes all to shit after that. He starts acting like my clit is an orgasm dispensing button, and finally I was like, ok, you've gotta stop that and start over again, because this is NOT WORKING for me. So we start slow, all snuggly, and next thing I know, he's snoring! Fucker. I'm still really pissed off about it. It's very hard to feel sexy when you also feel like your partner is a selfish asshole.

How's everyone else doing? Better than me I hope biggrin.gif Girltrouble, I like the new art smile.gif
lol...thanks pho (or foe!) i've been getting into 30's and 40's cartooning. just figure it's me getting spanked in this thread, me being a loudmouth in any other. wink.gif

sorry about the bf selfishness on your front....das ist der poopenstein!

speaking of spankings, i think my masochism is rising right now.... i've been hanging out with my ex, my daddy, and well things have progressed from my usual cravings for bondage to pain. i've been day dreaming of a black eye, nails dug into my back, and, of course, spanking. more than anything, i think its more a matter of needing to be submissive, and well, my daddy can email me and i get the shivering's nice. i missed sub space. it's so wonderful to experience it again. i think a lot of it might have to do with my job insecurity right now, but who cares? i am sure my sadism will be on the rise in the winter, so i am going to really revel in this while i can... hee hee. and maybe i'll be excited for that. who knows....

Girltrouble -- just be careful and remember there's a reason you guys aren't together anymore! Exes are like quicksand sometimes, tho, no? Lovely lovely sexy BAD FOR YOU quicksand biggrin.gif Not that I have any experience like that, oooh no!

I've found that my "cravings" tend to ebb and flow due to all kinds of things. A lot of times I've noticed when I'm stressed out, I really like very rough and tumble wrestling style sex. Other times I like the "keep still" game. Usually the boy's really really excellent in bed, so hopefully we can work past his horrible behavior and get it on this weekend. Especially since I'm at that point in my cycle where everything makes me horny! Heh.
oh don't i know it, phoe. i was super hesitant about it, (i'm still pretty sheepish about the sitch), it's just odd, it's like my body has made a decision and i'm kind of allong for the ride (yikes), but we're pretty close anyways, so it made sense, i'm just not sure its a good idea, and neither is she....hmmmmm.
Oooh, ex sex! Okay, I only did it once but it was so hot, I can completely understand why you're doing it, gt! Just be careful!

Anyway, I'm getting more and more interested in BDSM and I think this is my first time actually posting in here. I don't have much experience, I've just been spanked a little bit and I allowed my current fuckbuddy to tie me up which was awwwesome. There was just something about him having complete control while I was restrained and blindfolded, I loved it!

I'm going to "confernce", okay, I really don't know the proper word for it, next month and I have no idea what to expect. It's basically like sex workshops during the day (they all center around BDSM) and then fun "activities" in the evening. I'm really excited but I'm worried about just fitting in! I don't want to show up and be the only girl wearing jeans and a t in a sea of leather clad doms and subs.
Ooo fun, Candycane! I don't think you should worry about what you wear. I'm finding that more people are into this stuff then just the ones with the obvious way of dressing. In fact, I think its hotter to meet someone that is kinky yet doesnt look the part.
Everyone who's jealous of Candycane's "conference," raise your hand!

~raises hand~

That sounds lovely! Greenbean's advice was right on -- as I mentioned earlier, most of my friends turned out to be into bdsm to various degrees, and they are quite a diverse bunch. Some of them, yeah, I would NOT have guessed. And my one buddy accidentally found his dad's stash of kinky porn, and this guy, well, let's just say you would NOT EVER think of that! You know, I think a lot of time the people who really flaunt their kinkiness (this happened especially in college) are sort of pathetic and desperate. I definitely agree, greenbean, that it's much sexier to have that little secret suprise, you know?

Hahaha, that reminds me of this guy in college who was bragging in the coffeeshop about his new whip he had bought, which he for some reason brought in to show everyone, and it was totally beige! We were like, um, is that the LL Bean special edition whip, or what??? Total loser.

Anyway, candycane, just take things at your own pace and only do what you're comfortable with. You guys HAVE discussed a safeword, right? It is essential even if you're not doing anything that you consider "hardcore," because bdsm can create a lot of very powerful emotions, and it's easy to get overwhelmed. Good luck and have fun!
omg... phobia--- thank you so much for bringing up safe words... i always feel like such a tight ass always talking about them, but they are so important!

candy.....ooooo that sounds fun!

my advise for how to dress would be, wear black.

not that i'm at all opposed to being subtle or incognito, mind you, i think greenbean is right on target, but, this is a conference, and not just meeting people at a cafe. besides, you can never go wrong with bdsm and black. it's kind of playing it safe, but until you know how others dress , that's a good a good idea. and black is easy. you don't even have to wear all black. just bottoms, a skirt or pants. you may not have fetish wear, or corsets or any of the other fancy frills, but you won't look out of place.

besides, i know it's probably not a good admission, but bdsm scenes vary from city to city, and can be snobby and cliqueish. you do want to create a good impression, simple black will keep you from being over or underdressed. atleast for the first class, and then you will have a better sense of the vibe.

durring the day classes, i am sure jeans would be fine, but definately ask if the evening "activities" have a dress code(formal/ informal, vinyl/leather only, etc). they don't always, but it's good to know. you don't want to arrive and be turned away at the door. some events they prefer to know you aren't just someone off the street. black is a good indicator that you know what you are in for. as much as many bdsm groups want to open up things, it is pretty common for the cities they are in to try to cut events short etc. so they may be very particular in their requirements. then again they might not, but the best rule of thumb is to ask.

do me a favor, come back and tell us everything!
QUOTE(phobia @ Jul 6 2007, 04:55 PM) *
Hahaha, that reminds me of this guy in college who was bragging in the coffeeshop about his new whip he had bought, which he for some reason brought in to show everyone, and it was totally beige! We were like, um, is that the LL Bean special edition whip, or what??? Total loser.

that is hilarious phobia! laugh.gif

have fun candy!

wow. i didn't know bdsm groups could be so clique-ish... blink.gif
oh, my yes. here in seattle there are a few groups who gravitate towards each other, there is the "stand and pose" group as a friend of mine calls them, the geeks, the hardcore players, groups that are a bit homophobic, dykes, leather daddys, bears, etc. there are people who only like to play privately, and those who play only with certain people. of course there is overlap, but people tend to gravitate towards people who like the same things as them, and see things the same way. *shrugs* it's human nature. then there is reputation-- the seattle dykes have a long standing reputation as being...blood thirsty, according to a friend of mine. they like blood play more than most. he went to a play party and was laughing because the leather daddys pose hard, but it's the dykes who are into the hardcore stuff.

i say all of this because you can be caught up in all of it, or, you can float above all of it. getting to know the different groups, or play with select people. it's really up to you...
Well, I guess my sex life is back in business biggrin.gif

Unfortunately, during our fun last night, my right shoulder got jammed in a weird way, and today my whole arm hurts. It's my bad shoulder, to boot. So we're going to have to be creative thinking of positions tonight. He likes to personally hold me down, with both my wrists above my head in one of his big giant paws, and one of my legs pinned between his. This is not going to go well with this painful shoulder. Also, for spanking purposes, being on my tummy with my arms stretched over my head is not going to fly. Sigh, what's a girl to do? I'm afraid he'll want to make me stand, which I find very uncomfortable emotionally, so of course he loves to see me whimper and whine. We'll see where the night takes us I guess!
phobia - I love the "keep still" game. Mr. Pug does it while slowly brushing his fingers across my lower back which is so ticklish to me. If I move he gives me a hard whack on the ass, which then makes me giggle, then he says something along the lines of, "Oh, you think it's funny uh? I must not be hitting hard enough." This makes me giggle more and I'm sure you get the picture. One of my favorite games the "keep still" game! Also, Mr. Pug picked up this long strip of velcro strap stuff. It was long enough to run under the mattress and we have been having fun with it. He likes to strap my arms down and use my pocket rocket on me. He forces orgasm after orgasm out of me. Drives me insane.

Candycane - I'll have to go with gt on this one. Just wear black at first. You can't go wrong with black I find in pretty much any situation.

I have to admit I haven't been spanked in a while. I'm missing it too. I know I should just ask for it but I can't do it. Asking for pain is so hard for me. Usually Mr. Pug says something like, "Do you need to be spanked?" I want to say "YES I DO!" but I always just shake my head like, "No, I'm cool." I want to pull a Jim Carrey from Liar Liar and cover my face while shaking my head up and down and saying NO real loud.

Glad everyone else is having so much fun.

Wow, thanks so much for the info ladies! I just checked the website, if you guys are curious by the way it's The Floating World and here's what it says about a dress code: Is there a dress code? - Not in the event spaces, but in the public areas you must be street legal. Cross dressing, leather, latex, fetish gear, kilts and zentai are perfectly acceptable. Nudity is allowed in the playspace, party rooms and classrooms.

I'm not even sure what the public areas are. I don't plan on walking around naked that's for sure. So far all I have is one black skirt that I bought from Torrid on the weekend! I still need to find something to wear with it.

Strangely enough I actually haven't discussed a safeword with the guy who's taking me. It's going to be me, him, and another of his girlfriends sharing a hotel room so that should be fun wink.gif

gt, I've worried about cliqueyness (is that a word) but I'm hoping to just meet a lot of people and have a fun time. I feel like such a newbie!
i wouldn't worry about it. sounds like you've got your own little clique going. just concentrate on learning and glad handing. talk to people, ask questions, but tell people you are a newbie--- they should be open to help you. in this community reputation is everything, so it is a good way of orienting yourself, but don't take it personally if soneone is snobby.... there is always someone who thinks they are a rockstar... but you will do just fine...

public areas.... it's just "normal" areas. as opposed to private areas or playspace. some of the more experienced or connected players will have private parties, where the dresscode may be different, or more extreme types of play may occur. but most areas would be public.

i don't know what clothes you do have but you can always go retro or goth. those seem to work as well. i don't have lots of the fancy shmancy corsets, but stockings, heels and retro works for me, and it's stuff i have on hand, anyways. but you can go all leather dom (even without leather) if you have black boots. black pants and a white muscle shirt. you'll see lots of options...

if you talk to someone, ask about the parties, who is throwing them, what they like and the kind of party. often there may be satilite parties, too. it may be something that is too much for you, or it may be something you are curious about. talk to the host and tell them your interest and they might give you an invite. who knows...just be open. it's a fantastic place to learn. if someone asks you about something that freaks you out or is not to your taste, the best reply is, it's great, but it's not for me, or my taste or some such. you don't want to step on anyone's toes-- or kink.

i just looked at the site, and if i wasn't jealous before (and i was) then i'm super jealous now.... it looks fantastic.
Thanks so much for the tips, gt! I always hope to meet nice people but I've had enough life experience to know that there's always a jerk or a snob no matter what type of people I'm around.

Now I'm just worried about my footwear. Why is it that I can't find a pair of really sexy shoes that are also comfortable? I'm not even considering the sky-high shoes that they sell at sex stores because the last thing I need is to fall over and sprain my ankle.

I still think it's going to be a bit weird (or maybe amusing) when I do dress up because there is a shuttle bus that will be taking us from the hotel to the convention centre. Of course, I'm sure I won't be the only one on the bus who is dressed a bit out of the ordinary.
you know, the one workshop that made me giggle. the cuddle party. i thought, "how cute."

candy, footwear...i do have a shoe fetish. i lurve me some heels. just wear whatever makes you feel sexy. make sure you give us all of the details of how everything goes!
Thanks Star. I will probably blog about it and just put the link there. I've heard about these cuddle parties before. They sound kind of boring because I think they're supposed to be JUST cuddling which is not cool with me. I love cuddling but I like cuddling to lead to touching to lead to, well, you know.

Speaking of blogs, it's kind of weird because the guy that I'm going with is like, kind of a part of a circle of New Yorkers with sex blogs. They're practically like their own little group within the BDSM scene.

Just out of curiosity, has anyone found that people's ideas of what's kinky and out of the ordinary can vary widely? I really don't think I'm that kinky and yet I've had guys tell me that I'm wild and really out there. blink.gif
Ooo, be sure to go to the breathplay workshop and tell me about it! I need to learn more about breathplay cuz I'm super curious but cautious too.
Breathplay intrigues me and scares me at the same time. I once had a guy who decided that he would choke me without asking first! I was so pissed, I should have kneed him in the balls but, well, we were already fucking so I don't know how I would have done that.

Plus, I've always had a bit of a fear of not being able to breathe (I have mild asthma) so I don't know if that has something to do with it as well. I'm kind of confused about how it's supposed to be erotic.
AAAH! Never, ever, EVER choke someone by putting your hand on their neck. There's nerves and blood vessels there that can KILL YOU if you don't know what you're doing. And kill you quick, too. Here's a link to an article about the risks:
And another:

Anyway, as Dan Savage I think once recommended, you're much better off putting your hand over someone's mouth, or playing with respirators ("gas masks") that you rig up so you can cut off the air supply. Please please please be careful!
OMG! I just had a mind blowing orgasm with Mr. Pug. He went down on me like it was his last chance to ever go down on me. I'm wiped out so I'm going to bed. It was much needed let me tell you.


...oh, and that breath play stuff scares me. I think that's too hardcore for me.

Phobia, Candy -

Have either of you ever gotten into some spanking sessions before? That is my favorite. Mr. Pug just holding me down and spanking me while I squirm and try to fight him off. It's very submissive displaying my bare ass to him. I love it.
anna k
Congratulations LoveMyPugs!

I love spanking. I like it when I spank a guy to go faster when he's on me, or when I'm being spanked. I make this excited happy noise when I get spanked, and it's very gleeful and girly and cute.

Late tonight I was perusing Craigslist's Casual Encounters page, and a guy posted this ad saying he wanted to do dominant role-playing over the phone, like rape fantasy, daddy/daughter incest, that kind of stuff. He's 45 and posted his picture as all gray and buffed-out, like alpha male tough guy in the prison yard. So I emailed him and he called me back, with this real high whiny voice, unlike the tough dominant persona he put in the ad. We set up the story, like I'm 15 and gonna get fucked and have my virginity ripped out, then the connection was lost. I get an email saying this:

Dammit, my phone just died ! I thought it was
fully charged....
arggg! I'm sorry, I'm going to hunt for a charger..

Jeez man, if you were gonna do phone sex and get all rapist-fantasy on me, at least have your freakin' phone ready.
phobia, I really don't know much about choking but like I said, there's a class about Breath Play that I'm interested in.

LMP, unfortunately the guy I'm currently fucking usually just gives me a few spanks and that's it. I'm thinking the one I'm going to the conference with will give me a better spanking experience.

candy-- if there is a spanking workshop take that too. spanking seems pretty straight forward, but when you learn the tricks to spanking, you can take it from being good, to OUTSTANDING.

i'm sort of with phobia, breath play is nothing to fuck with.

first, i have to say i am very biased: i think dan savage is an unmitigated misogynist, transphobic ass. but i live in seattle so there are a lot of reasons behind that. so i can't agree with much he'd say.

but i do think you need to be very careful. but that said, i loathe having my mouth covered, and love a strong hand around my throat.

for choking/breath play i recommend:
1)research, research, research. like most kinds of bdsm it may seem innoccuous, but can be deadly. DO YOUR HOMEWORK!

2)safe words/signals. you don't want someone passing out/dying to be the clue that you need to stop. really. you can go to jail for accidentally killing someone.

3)do this play ONLY with someone you've worked all of this out with and that you can trust. you are risking your life.

me and my daddy and her ex, h (the supersub) once had a 4 hour argument about this very topic. h and daddy's daughter was curious about choking. h didn't seem to think breath play was a big deal-- but then, he rarely does breath play. (he is more into getting caned, whipped, flogged, punched, tied up and knife play). daddy and i thought it was something she should be very careful about and told her to do research. but then breath play/choking is my kind of kink. my ex introduced me to it, having me do it to her, and later she did it to me. later i met daddy, and he does it to me (although her hands are a bit too small for my tastes in this respect). eventually h saw it our way. you can not only cut off blood flow from the brain, you can also crush someone's windpipe.

it may not seem that dangerous, but it can be if you haven't done your homework.

i can't wait till you get back from this conference, candy... it looks like such a ball.

Girltrouble -- I know Dan is a controversy in and of himself, but I was just mentioning him in passing as having presented some other ways to do breath play without choking. I just don't want anyone here getting in trouble (har -- no pun intended -- I'm sure many of us would love to get in trouble if you dig what I'm sayin'!). A guy my best friend knew in high school DID go to jail for accidentally strangling his girlfriend! So I kind of have a bug up my ass about it. As you said, it is NOTHING to fuck with. I'm sure it is possible to choke safely if you have done your homework, but I didn't want anyone here thinking "ohh, that sounds good, maybe I'll give it a whirl tonite!"

I can't believe I'm up this early this morning, though, after the lovely lovely evening we had last night. Yeesh, I thought my friends would NEVER LEAVE! We pretty much RAN upstairs (no more sex on the couch -- although it's stain resistant, it is not indefinitely so!), where there was much wrestling, biting, spanking, and hair pulling. I did feel like the boy held back a little when it came to really whaling on my ass, but we talked about it afterwards and he claims he wasn't. Maybe it's more of what I need, rather than him not doing it right. I'll mention that to him later on. After I take a nap. I drank red wine last night and this headache will probably be with me all day. Gr.

Speaking of spanking (hee hee...what god alliteration!), I totally love it. Also, when he spanks my naughty pussy while telling me what a bad bad girl I am. Mmm. Ooh, getting flashbacks to last night, actually. ~ahem~ We really need to get some new implements, though. So far we really just have his hand and, when he's feeling in the mood, his belt. Any ideas? There's such a plethora of stuff out there, it's tough to make a decision!

Annak -- that sucks. It sort of brings to mind the "rape scene" scene in Choke. Did you read that? I laughed my ass off...
For me spanking is usually not sexual. Sometimes I get very overwhelmed in my own mind. For example, my dad isn't well at the moment, my sister is having problems with her man, I had a final the other day, my mother is driving me crazy and I'm a little overloaded with housework and chores. When I get all overwhelmed like that I get "hifey" as Mr. Pug likes to call it. It’s a very strange feeling and I know I'm doing it. I challenge him a lot. He'll ask me to do something and I'll just flat out say no. He'll touch me and I'll say something smart. I just get very aggressive with him but not in a good way. I feel myself getting like this and although I know it affects me relationship with others it usually comes to the surface with Mr. Pug. The strange thing is that it rarely leads to a fight with him. I think Mr. Pug is really starting to pick up on these times. It just happened on Thursday night. When we went to bed he said he was going to spank me and although I knew I needed it to help me release some of my anxiety I fight him on it and argue with him on why I don't want to or think I need to be spanked. He used to back down but now he sits there and holds me and listens to my excuses and he'll say something like, "You need it. It will make you feel better. It's going to happen. Do you want me to force you or do you want to roll over and take it?" This is just the hardest thing for me to do. Pulling my panties down and laying on my stomach on the bed exposing my bare bottom to him. It makes me feel so vulnerable. He always catches me when I'm breathing out. This usually stuns me for a second. The first two or three blows make me giggle something terrible. I don't know why but I just do. He says that he thinks that's my way of working through my own internal awkwardness with spanking. It doesn't take many spanks to really get me going. The most painful place for me is right where my but and my thigh meet and the sides closer to my hips. Usually by four or five I'm crying and trying to cover my ass with my hands or push his hands away with my legs or roll over to protect myself. He'll usually put one hand on my back and hold me down. When I stop fighting him he'll hold my hand and keep spanking. Almost the entire time I'm begging him to stop. He'll ask me what I'm thinking about and my answer changes throughout the session. I'm might start by saying that I'm thinking about "everything" (challenging him to keep spanking even though I’m saying stop, totally subconscious) then "nothing" then "it hurts" then "just you". Once I reach that "just you and me" phase he usually stops. By then I'm crying pretty hard and he slides down next to me and just holds me. When I start to calm down we'll talk about it, or what's going on in my life, if he can help with anything. Almost every time we talk about why I didn't want to be spanked. I've pretty much told him that I can't ask for it. We talked the other night that if I feel overwhelmed and know that I need a spanking that instead of saying, "I need you to spank me." I can just say, "I'm feeling very overwhelmed and need you." This whole "spanking thing" makes him pay closer attention to me and my emotions. We are much more connected then we used to be. For days even weeks after a spanking session (they aren't that often) I'm like a different person. I'm motivated and strangely euphoric and calm. It's really wonderful.

He also spanks me during sex but it's nowhere near the same experience.

Well he's awake and wants me back in bed. Gotta go.

Good morning to you all.
Pugs, that was very beautiful and thoughtful and interesting. Thank you so much for sharing that. I have to say, though, that for me, spanking during sex, as part of sex, in an erotic context, can accomplish much of that sort of "release" you are talking about. So I guess for some people it isn't that separate. Thanks again for sharing. I love this thread, and reading about everyone else's experiences, and seeing how/why we all do what we do. I find it very interesting. (((flogging busties)))
phobia - I really do have these two little voices in my head that are in constant conflict over being spanked to release overwhelming emotions. I mean what is really the difference between say being a cutter and being spanked, other then scarring and blood. I'm still receiving pain to deal with the shit in my head. Also, being so submissive to a man makes me feel like a bad woman. I really do "need" him and that need makes me feel weak at times. On the other hand, I see so many people break up and move on to new people over and over and yet we have found something that helped us through a very difficult time in our relationship. Also, when it's over, days and sometimes weeks afterwards I feel so wonderful about myself. How can that be bad right? The other thing that bothers me is asking for it when I know I need it. I just can't get my head around it. I'm embarrassed to ask for it. At first I think Mr. Pug was a little embarrassed to oblige but now when he's done he usually has a hard on. He likes it. He likes being domineering. I think it's something that we've both always subconciously wanted. For example, I hated when Mr. Pug used to ask for sex and he hated asking for it. For me it always felt like we were following some kind of rules set by others before us that the man asking and the woman giving permission was the "right" thing to do. I like when he wakes me in the middle of the night and tells me to roll over, lubes me and fucks me hard. He just seems so masculine and I find that very attractive in a male. Many of my girl friends treat their men like pets or children and their men seem so jaded and unhappy. Mr. Pug loves me and I just know I'm his goddess as he knows I love him and that he is just my king. Our home is ours and our own private world to just enjoy each other's minds and bodies. Living in a 24/7, not so much fetish but just DS, lifestyle has really saved us. I don't think we would be together now if we hadn't discovered this about ourselves and sat down and discussed it like we did. We still sit down and discuss what we both like and want. I think many couples today are so scared to be completely honest with one another. Mr. Pug and I, and I don't mean to brag, but we have a wonderful relationship, other then the fighting over household chores occasionally. It's nice to know that I never have to worry about us. We are solid.
i agree, phobia... i always love reading your posts about spanking, pugs... i love hearing abut how you and the mr grow, change and learn about each's wonderful.

it always felt like we were following some kind of rules set by others before us

that's kind of the thing i liked about bdsm...getting away from this generic idea of what a relationship was supposed to be like, and finding something real. it was like this format for being honest with my partner about what i desired/needed/wanted to explore in a relationship, with no preconceptions. a woman being the dom is just as valid as the man. it's all about what the people involved agree to consent to. you don't have to go along with anything, not even sex, not even monogamy. you get to make up the rules for yourself based on what you both mutually decide on. and that is a great thing. it's the way it should be. after all we're all so different, with different experiences, why should we all shoe horn ourselves into a one-size-fits-all paradigm of what love or a relationship is?
LMP, I love the way you describe your relationship. It just sounds like you are in something that is healthy and equal and works for both of you. I hate that some people still look down on certain types of relationships just because they aren't the "ordinary".

I looked up some of the classes on the sex conference website and they don't have any classes on spanking yet they have classes on skin stapling and needleplay! That's definitely a bit much for me. I'm not completely sure how I feel about breath play yet. I'm curious about it but the one thing that gets me is that you can't use a safeword if you can't breathe! I agree with what you said, GT, about totally trusting the person that I do it with.

I'm probably going to be visiting my fuck buddy on Monday and he's going to tie me up! He's the only person I've ever let tie me up but that's because I feel that I can totally trust him not to hurt me or do something that I wouldn't allow if my arms and legs were untied. He's a really great guy and I'm glad I have someone in my life that I can trust to tie me up or throw me around a bit.
Oy... So...Weirdness...

The boy and I have this one place we like to go to -- small bistro/bar type place. One of the bartenders is really hot (actually, it's one of those places that purposely hires hotties to work there, but this guy in particular is something else). Anyway, we're eating one day and the hottie is flirting with us, and my boy leans over after he walks away and goes "hey, you wanna take him home with us?" I giggled and kind of brushed it off, but ever since, ever time he's there, I can't stop giggling and thinking "what if..." But the weird thing is that there's something about this guy that makes me really really want to tie him up and beat him black and blue. I'm NEVER dominant in sexual relationships. I've been submissive my entire life. WTF is it with this guy that just makes me really, REALLY want to tie him down and make him beg? Is it that he seems so, I dunno, eager and enthusiastic and I want to see just how eager to please he can be? Is it an aesthetic reason? He would look ever so pretty tied down waiting for the first smack. I don't know but it's getting a little distracting to go to our favorite restaraunt!!!

Ooh, and last night the boy and I went to bed super early and did all kinds of naughty, naughty things, and then fell asleep thinking about all the "modifications" we'll be making to the bedroom. In our old place we had some eye bolts and things, but haven't done much with the new place yet. I think that is going to change.

Hey, does anyone have any experience with those, I'm not sure what they're called, those foam wedges and shapes for teh fucking? We really love to fuck doggy-style, but my poor shoulders rarely cooperate, and the boy suggested looking into those. Also would be good for spanking, as I could get my arms into better, less painful-for-me positions. Thanks!
phobia - ok, I want to say this the right way so let me try. Mr. Pug is not, shall we say, a "pretty boy" he's a man and he's sexy, attractive and beautiful TO ME! When I see a "pretty boy", not many here in my town, but when I see one I feel the same way. My submissive side is gone and I want to tie his pretty little ass up and just whip him black and blue. For me, I don't even want to fuck him, I just want to run my hand all over his body and make him whimper. I can't explain it but that's how I feel as well. In the past I've tied Mr. Pug up and whipped him with a flogger but it just doesn't do it for me. It's strange.

I would love, love, love to make some modifications to our bedroom. Ohhhhh eye bolts sound lovely. However, what do you do if you have people over and they happen to wonder into your bedroom, or you are showing them something in there? We have a velcro strap running under our mattress and I get nervous that people will see that. I guess I shouldn't care right? It's my house and I can do what I want in it. Although, I would be so embarrassed if my mom saw eye bolts above my bed. I've always wanted to put one in the ceiling so Mr. Pug can tie me up with my hands tied together high above my head while I'm on my knees. My breasts would be fully exposed and he could spank me hard while I couldn't move.

Regarding the liberator. Mr. Pug and I were absolutely going to buy the ramp/wedge black label set last Christmas for ourselves. However, two weeks before I lost my job and the idea was abandoned. However, he is about to sell his truck and we might buy one soon. I've heard it's supposed to be awesome. I have a bad knee and doggie style is so hard for me but it's my favorite. We were planning on buying one for that very reason. I even contacted them to help us choose a size because Mr. Pug is so tall and I'm so short and we are both heavy people. They responded right away with them helpful hints in choosing the perfect set for us.

My opinion is that they look awesome and if you can afford it then BUY IT then come back here and tell us what you think cause I WANNA KNOW!

Good luck!
Is there anyway to find if there is a BDSM group that meets in my area? Is there a website you can go to and put in your zip or something or what not? I'm looking to maybe go to a party with Mr. Pug and just watch and see if we like anything new. I don't think we'd actually participate but just watch and talk to people. I really want to explore more and I think Mr. Pug does too but we just don't know anything. I don't really want to join a website and pay a membership fee. I'd just like to meet some other people. Am I making sense? GT? You are my queen. Can you help me out here?
I don't know if it would help but for a while I was on a site called You can have a membership without paying and that might be one way to find out about stuff going on in your area, I'm just not certain. I wish I could offer more help but I have no idea how to even find anything going on in Toronto, I just seem to know a few select people in NYC who invite me to events in their area.
Pugs, you are right! I need to get the liberator for the good of Bustiekind! You need my input! Of course! Consider it done smile.gif Actually, that's more expensive than I thought, but it will probably be worth it. It might have to wait a pay period or two though. The only thing is do you know if I can get the bondage wedge/ramp without the accessories? I would like the clips (we've used such things in the past), but my cuffs are a LOT nicer than the ones that come with it. It'd be a really great deal for someone who didn't already have such objets d'amour, though.

Regarding modding your bedroom, well, who cares? Anyway, as I mentioned, our friends know what's going on, and most of them are into kink to varying degrees, so I don't worry. My family lives far away, so that's not a concern either. With the eyebolts, though, you can always pretend they're for hanging, oh, like guitars, or speakers, or whatever -- it "used" to be there but you took it down and never took out the bolts! Mwahaha. Nobody's going to really think about it too much if you just act nonchalant. Just be sure you put them in a stud! Otherwise you will have big holes in the wall and not get your security deposit back biggrin.gif I liked the one above the headboard, because I could lean over, put my hands or elbows on the headboard, and have the cuffs clipped or tied off to the bolt. We have a nice sleigh bed, so the head and foot boards are really very condusive to playing.

Thoughts on the weird domination fantasies re: hot waiter. I dunno, he's not a particularly "pretty" boy, he's sort of stocky and muscular, but short. Maybe that's it. But there is someting so...enthusiastic and eager about him. And he does wear a thick leather bracelet of some kind -- I think it buckles on -- that sort of maybe indicates he might be "one of us." Anyway, not to get your girls all excited, but I keep coming back to this image of him tied to our big comfy ottoman. Our ottoman goes with our "chair and a half," and is plenty big enough to stretch out on. Leave his feet touching the ground, so he's almost kneeling. Big black leather wrist cuffs tied to the other end, his arms would have to be stretched a little over his head so he's all spread out, eyes closed, just....waiting.
i wouldn't worry about eye hooks in the ceiling, pugs. you be amazed at how rarely people look up. and you can always use the excuse i'd use-- "oh i had a plant hanging there, i just haven't gotten around to taking it down." but even if your mom did notice, she i doubt she'd ask. it probably wouldn't register.

people generally don't notice or suspect something out of the ordinary. i found that out when i transitioned. i figured everybody noticed i was growing boobs. nope. *shrugs* it just never occured to them.

if you do do bondage, do the research there too. to reiterate--- even the most innocuous, innocent thing durring play-- even words-- may have serious repercussions. always do the leg work, know the dom/me and know the sub, and communicate. a good play scene may be hot but is it worth a limb? not usually. and with bondage, too tight and you could cut off circulation, possibly causing nerve damage. also, be aware of past injuries. i shattered my wrist years ago, so unless i'm wearing a wrist brace, i can't have my wrist tied tightly. hey, since we are on the subject, a good place for rope is.... the kinkster's best friend, the hardware store. eagle, lowes, or home depot usually have several kinds, some of which are nice and thick and very soft (almost luxuriously so). but if you want to try something that to my mind is just as hot but you have at hand right now? use saran wrap. i don't have to tell you not to put it over your mouth or nose, but using it over your arms or legs, well cumulatively, it's very strong. which is super erotic. daddy did it to me, and dared me to get free. i tired myself, and never did. wrap each limb separately then both of them together... whew... i'm getting worked


wellll.... there are i suppose a couple of routes. you could always use our friend google, entering your city bdsm and clubs. the best advise i would give is if you have a women-owned, sex positive sex toy shop in your area, and ask the ladies there. some places that may be a tall order to find a place like that, and i wouldn't really ask in your average porn store. you can also check on sites like, since they have a wide net of people from all over the country. i heard about the wetspot way before i heard about it from my daddy. for the most part is free (and there are some lugnuts/assholes to be aware of), but checking there for places mentioned in regional threads, is a good way to get the local scoop, as well as make some friends before you go the first time.

keep in mind, each one has it's own rules, the wetspot, here in seattle, requires a membership fee, and then an orientation, so everyone is respectful. they have different nights, meet and greets, mens night, dyke night, goth night, pan-gender night, gg only nights, etc. were kinda lucky since it is so organized-- one of the people who plays there is a lawyer (and a wicked, wicked dom) who does bdsm education all over, as well as a pretty vocal queer/trans community separate from the club, and other smaller private clubs, as well as gay bars that cater to 'leather daddys'. so it kinda helps to be in a big city, where these things can spring up independantly.

if you have your ear to the ground you can go to one of those events like candycane was talking about, which would be a good pointer, but chances are if you were hearing about those you might already know where to go. but..... you can email an event and ask them if they know of anything in your area.

worse come to worse, you can always look in most papers for dominatrix, and ask them. some may be friendly some may not. it's a roll of the dice. it's not 411 after all.

it i can think of anything else, i'll post it....but it's been a while since i've looked.
gt, that sounds like a really great BDSM club. I wonder if I can find anything like that in Toronto.

I had a greaaaaat session today with my fuck buddy. He tied me up and blindfolded me, it was so great. There wasn't any spanking but I don't care, I really enjoyed myself. I wrote about it here for anyone who is curious. I don't know how long it will take me to find another guy that I trust with tying me up.
GT -- Speaking of communication and safety, I've been seeing some discussion around regarding the use of safewords... Specifically, a lot of people in "24/7" relationships (though frankly I'm unclear on how 24/7 it can really be when you have sick kids, a job, and a mortgage, but hey...) seem to think that they don't need 'em, so nobody else should. I've seen such statements as "why would you ever play with someone you didn't trust?" It seems to me like they're missing the point altogether. It also seems like they think their own relationship sprung, fully-formed like Athena out of Zeus's head, into being one day, and they never had to feel things out or discuss anything with anyone. I understand that not everybody in every situation needs a specific "safeword," but it seems like a lot of folks I've seen are saying that if you do need one, you're somehow inferior. Which seems ... so silly. Anyway, just wondering what you thought of this whole silly phenomenon... See, this is the kind of crap you run into when you just start following links smile.gif
i'm seeking a little advice and i hope i am under the right forum. . .next week i am meeting up with a potential lover from my past (we've recently reconnected via internet and have been having really honest and blunt conversations about dominant/submissive fantasies and have had hot hot phone sex a couple times). . .he's willing to let me dominate. . .and this is all kinda new and had suggested a strap-on. . .but it's new to him too and i really really want to do this. . .lots of lube, right? and i just need to figure out how to pull out the dominatrix in me that's been dormant for so long. . . . any tips? so weird to reflect on how much easier it is for me to think submissively (culturally?) and that i have to gear up so mentally to do something that i've always craved to do. . .

personally, i think safety should be the guide when playing, and nothing is more safe than a safe word. part of the thing when domming is to be so attuned to your partner that you are aware of everything, and you're picking up on non-verbal cues, and you just know them-- but you can't really anticipate what i call a 'landmine'. a landmine is something that neither/either you or your partner had anticipated. sometimes it's physical, (numbness, sharp pain, hell, a heart attack or stroke, or symptoms of them on the more serious end), sometimes it's emotional, (phobias, tramas, forgotten memories, etc, and sometimes this can be a word or a movement that just catches some emotional trigger), but either way, being on the safe side can't hurt. and like i said, is a hot scene really worth a trip to the hospital? lol. if you think using a safe word ruins a scene, what the hell do paramedics do to it?

granted, if you've been playing for a while, you rarely end up using it, but what is the harm in establishing it? this gets down to one of my main problems with dom/mes, the inability to see the forest for the trees. dom/mes are sometimes so puffed up about being a badass that they want to short cut, skip the small things. the mark of a good dom/me for me is the lack of ego when it comes to safety.

you know when you meet someone and you think, god, this person is really intelligent? it's never because the person is constantly telling everyone how intelligent they are. the same with dom/mes. the dom/me who walks around talking about how tough they are, how dominant they are is the most insecure one. if they know their shit, other people defer to them. they gain respect in the community and it's not because they think they are the shit and brag about it all the time. it's because people have seen them play and admire-- or atleast respect what they do.

there is a lot of ego tripping in the bdsm community, to be sure, and it always kills me the little things people seize upon to make themselves feel like they are better than the next person. some people need to feel like they are "natural" or "true" dom/mes or subs (and these people i run as fast as i can from), sometimes it's by getting some fancy equipment (not that i have anything against fancy, mind you), or sometimes it's that they think they are too good to use a safeword. whatever. the thing that must always be central is good communication between dom/me and sub. i go by a simple rule: everything is everything. if your dom/me wants to skip a step on something small and unimportant, they'll do the same thing on something big and important.

and one other note: safewords aren't only for dom/mes. when you are just starting out as a sub a lot of people want to think that they can do it all, but part of being a good, hell, a great sub is communicating with your dom/me, and the best way to learn to call your limits is to learn to use safewords. frankly, to me, calling your own limit is absolutely the MOST IMPORTANT THING A SUB CAN LEARN. trust me. i had to learn this the hard way from a bad domme who abused me, and a good one who realized i needed to be taught this.

old safeword posts...but read the page anyways....
more safeword bullshmack

penelope:someone asked that question a long time ago... i'll look in the archives and see if i can get a link for you. (grrr! i keep looking and finding stuff about safewords instead.... if someone knows where that stuff is post it-- i gotta go....sad.gif) for the anal sex, there is a thread called getting to the bottom of it, where you can learn all sorts of things about anal sex....
GT -- I liked your old pic better tongue.gif Anyway, I completely agree with what you're saying, I just wanted to hear someone who was more experienced "in the scene" agree with me! I think the trouble really comes down to well, human nature. Remember when you were little, and it was a revelation to you that your experiences weren't universal? I distinctly remember finding out that not everybody had a little sibling four years younger, and my boyfriend thought everyone had two webbed toes. I think that some of this thinking gets carried over into adulthood -- my religion is the only way, my sex life is the only way, my vegetarianism is the only way. That really grinds my gears. I just got done reading "The Science of Good and Evil" by Michael Shermer, which says it discusses ways to be moral and ethical without "god," but what it really argues against is binary morality. Right OR wrong. Seems to me that binary morality, as embedded in our human nature as it may be, is pretty much why the world is in such crappy shape. Human existence isn't binary. Kinsey was only the start, you know? So why should we all sit around patting ourselves on the back because we're living the "right" way, when a different set of circumstances would easily change our minds about what is "right" or "wrong"???

I mean, take for example vegetarianism, right? A lot of people claim they would never, ever eat meat. Well, of COURSE, unless they were stranded on a desert island with nothing but lizards to snack on. You see what I mean? Even something that you feel passionately about is inherently situational and subject to change.

And you know, it's not like a system of provisional and situational ethics is immoral or anything. All it says is that you should make moral and ethical decisions on a case-by-case basis. There's more to it but I think I've strayed a bit far afield. Oh's a message board, not a debate team, right?

Anyway, all I'm saying is I get so freaking sick of listening to people who are absolutely certain of the rightness of their position. I get really sick of it from the right and probably even more so from the left. There are as many different ways to live your life as there are people on the planet. Claiming that the way you do it is t way everyone should do it really ticks me off.

OTOH, GT, I really think you are right about the unexpected minefields. You can know someone for years and years, but you don't live inside their brain! Memories are so weird, and triggered by so many odd quirky things, it can really be a minefield. Oh, as a weird aside, my boy honey and I were having a nice (much too expensive) dinner (waited on by hot waiter, no less!!!!!), and he ordered a fancy tequila. For some reason, the tequila smelled exactly, I mean EXACTLY, like the condos we used to stay at at the beach when I was little. NOT because my parents drank tequila, I mean, but something about the weird conglomeration of fresh paint, suntan lotion, new drywall, and whatever else the condo smelled of was reproduced EXACTLY by this tequila! It was weird! So there you have it.
Crap, if this is a double post, ignore me ...

I need help with nipple clamps. I love love love nipple torture, but SubShop has like seven pages of clamps! ACK! What do I need? I have pierced nipples with rings in!
I can't believe there are people out there who don't believe in safewords. I definitely think there's a reason they exist, just like condoms, they protect people!

phobia -

I know how you feel about the nipple clamps. I'm looking for the perfect collar and just can't choose. I think I'm going to leave it up to Mr. Pug. Let him pick from the few I like. I like something thinner and smaller. Since we aren't in a "fedish" kind of relationship just a Ds and not Master/slave type thing. I was looking at these

Handmaiden Collar

Captive Kitten Collar

Velvet Vamp Collar

Ownership Collar

Which one do you like?

I'd like to know what nipple clamps you like. Can you post some links to your favorites?

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