Jan 26 2009, 12:35 PM
It's hard when you've been in a relationship for so long, people start to define themselves as a "we" not and "you" and "me". Pugs, GT is so right, there is so much more to you than a relationship, yes, it's so very hard. GGG is right, jsut cry when you need to.
Don't even do things day by day, some of the best adivse I got when I broke up with psycho ex was to take things hour by hour.
and don't write all people off because this one didn't work out. Hun, I've had men turn me down, break my heart, all sorts of shit like that, and damn if I don't just pick myself up and move on and I don't let it ruin it for the next person. You can't punish people because something didn't work out. Right now, the most important thing is healing YOU.
YOU are the most important person to YOU right now. If you aren't watching out for yourself, then who will?
Dayglow, what a cockwad.
He's never been in love with me, which I knew the whole time, but he always said that he was still in love with his ex and that would be the only person he'd ever love like that.
Wow. Just wow. YOU deserve to be loved by someone who loves you so much it shakes them to their foundation, to their core.
((((Pugs and dayglow))))
I'll tell you about my break up, in a nutshell. I was involved with someone for 6 years, we lived together. Well one day I called him, he said don't be surprised if when you get home my stuff is gone. uhhh, okay. I get home, and sure as shit his stuff was gone. he took off and couldn't even tell me to my face. We did have a dog, too...anyways, the next day I try and go and talk to him, he tried to push me down a flight of stairs, so things happend, next thing you know the fuzz is at my door. Anyhows...I was over him in 4 days. I have never felt better in my life. The point is, that YOU will get over him, you will feel better. You will experience freedom, you will learn about yourself, you will like yourself more and you will see that this person was just not right for you and you will meet someone some time. Will it hurt, of fuck yes, but every day you will feel a little bit better, and one day you are going to wake up and realize that the pain is gone and you feel good. You are both strong beautiful women, take time to mourn what you lost, but also take time to learn about yourself and treat yourself like the queen you are.
Jan 26 2009, 07:47 PM
I don't have any advice, just wanted to offer my support. It's been a while since I've popped into this thread and I can remember how my heart ached so much when I used it. I hope you both take care of yourselves first.
Jan 27 2009, 09:20 AM
Thanks so much to everyone. My guy isn't a complete asshole as I'm sure he sounds. It's just a sad situation. No one can control who they love, and I know for sure that he has no malicious intentions towards me. He never did anything behind my back or against any of the agreements we had established, and he was always 100% honest with me, and it came as a total shock to him, too. He cared very deeply about me, and we both learned and grew from the relationship. I made the choice to stay with him, and I take responsibility for my role, too. We had a really deep talk last night, and he spent the night, and I know it's truly over now, but I feel like it was on the best possible terms. I'm still really sad, of course, and I know he is, too, but I feel like I can accept this and that I will get through it. I know there will be times that I won't see the end and will be thinking negatively, but I will get through it. I've survived breakups much worse than this before, and I've gotten a lot of strength from reading this thread and knowing others have, too. I just hope that there's someone out there for me who will love me in the way I really need! We decided to split up the dogs, and I'm happy with that decision, too. Even though I'll be devastated to lose one of them, caring for both of them by myself would be a lot to handle, and it makes sense. Thanks to everyone, and lots of love to LMP.
Jan 28 2009, 09:14 PM
Today's been a rough day. I'm hurting really bad right now. I miss him so much. I just want to see him and talk to him and have everything be okay. It was my first day at work since we broke up, and I kept breaking down and starting to cry throughout the day. I'm a nurse, and I work with kids, and it's not always possible to get away to a private place, so it was tough. Then I had to come home to a cold, dark house when usually he'd be at home making dinner for us. He's picking up our Doberman tomorrow and getting the rest of his stuff while I'm gone teaching, so I'm anticipating another rough time when I get home. I can't stop crying, and even though I mentally know I will get through this, the pain seems too much to bear right now, and I don't know how I will do it.
Jan 29 2009, 06:26 AM
Have you got a friend or relative who could come round and cook you dinner, or whose house you could stay at for a couple of days? Any Busties in your area? It'll make it easier to cope if you've someone nice taking care of you. Rally the troops!
You are very strong, and doing really well at taking things one step at a time.
Jan 31 2009, 10:30 PM
Thanks, persiflager. My mom and step-dad live nearby, and I've been spending a lot of time with them, and I'm out of town this weekend at my best friends' house and visiting other friends. So I do have some support, but the emptiness is still there even when I'm with other people.
Today I've been all about regrets and questioning my decisions. I don't know if I'm just feeling sad and lonesome or truly unhappy with the decision, but all I can think about is that I wish I hadn't done it so rashly and I wish I'd taken more time to see if we could work it out. I'm trying to remember that if things ever change and it could work out, it wouldn't have to happen right this minute. I know it might just be silly wishful thinking, but if we ever did get back together it could be anytime, maybe far into the future. Or maybe we never will, and I would still be okay. I'm trying to remember that this is the right decision for me right now. But I miss him so much.
Feb 1 2009, 04:51 AM
i hung out with daddy/mr.t last night. the last couple of times it's been really great. it's almost as if we hit the reset button and went back to our best selves. she makes me laugh, i make her laugh, and we tell each other we miss and love each other. i wasn't expecting it this soon. the hard part is not wanting to get back together. when i told my friend tiff i was going to see a movie with mr. t she was quick on the trigger: "are you guys back together?" no. she just got fired, and i want to help take her mind off of things. "oh. ok." i do miss her tho. but i know that if we get back together, i might as well get married, and that's not what i need. plus, i have to remind myself that there are reasons i broke up with her. and yeah, it sucks not having a SO, when i know i am happiest in a relationship, but i need to get my shit together, and i'll never do that unless i'm on my own. i've been slowly re doing my apt, which has been more than 10 years in the making, so i can't look back now...
but i miss having my weekends booked, doing absolutely nothing with her. i miss that even hanging around driving or picking food from the garden was the funnest thing ever with her.
i think that one of tiff's friends might have been kinda hitting on me too. hmmmm.....
Feb 1 2009, 09:47 AM
R called me yesterday afternoon. I didn't call him back until it was into the early evening - I thought he was calling to ask me to come to his gig last night and I didn't really know what to say, so I just didn't call him. Finally I called back, he didn't answer, and i just left a message. I was on my way to meet up with some girlfriends like 20 minutes later, and went to call one of them, and accidentally dialed him (he's right above her in my phonebook) oops. He answered, and I just had to say "oh-hey! I thought I was calling S!" He was at a friends, sounded like there was a party going on, It was a bit weird, because it was really loud at first and I couldn't hear him - I kinda wish I'd just said I'd let him get back to his friends, but he moved to another room where it was quiet and we ended up talking for a few minutes - he just asked what I'd been up to, and I asked the same. etc. He didn't mention anything about a gig happening last night, so either it got cancelled or he just didn't tell me.
The biggest reason I even called him back was because I thought he had a gig and was calling to see if I was going to come. His music is super important to him, and out of respect to that I was calling him back. If I'd known that wasn't the case, I'd not have called back. Or waited for a good long time to call him. I feel like he just called to check in - to dip his toe in the pool when he felt like it to make sure I'm still around.... as a friend, of course. Asking what I'm up to, but not actually asking me to do anything, etc.. that kind of thing. And I know the dynamic, because I've been on the other side of it - wanting to check in with someone to kind of placate yourself that they're still somehow connected with you, even if it is by a tiny thread- and even if you have other stuff going on and don't want them to be around in first person in your world.
At the end of the call, he said he would call me soon and we'd have a proper chat. But I somehow need to tell him I can't do this. I can't be friends - and the things is, what he's doing isn't even friends. It's more like he's having his cake and eating it too. He gets to break things off with me and do all the stuff he wants to do, and also feel that I'm here and ok with it all, because he can check in whenever. But I'm not. I didn't want this. I like him. I wanted to keep going and seeing where things went. It wasn't my decision to end things. It was all his. I feel if I let him just keep checking whenever he feels like it, then I'm selling myself out, because I'm just showing him that it's ok with me. it's hard because we run in the same circles and have a lot of the same friends and I am going to run into him - which is why I think I need to somehow let him know, rather than just blowing him off. I don't know. yuck. Fuck fuck fuck.
ETA: GT, I know what you mean about being happy in a relationship. I've always been in relationships until the last 4 years. For the last 4 years, I have been on my own, and for the first time in my life, have become happy by authoring my own life. I have a great set of friends, live in a place I love, etc and I did that on my own, not meeting people through a partner, not moving here because of a partner, etc. I think that was totally necessary for me. I feel more ready now than ever to be in a relationship because I have become happy in a different way than I ever have been before. (although right now, I'm not very happy, but you know what I mean) That said, like you, I like being in a relationship. I like just simply hanging out with someone who is copasetic. But I think that because of getting my shit together on my own, I will be able to have a better relationship, when that happens.
Feb 4 2009, 06:14 PM
After I'd been doing pretty well the past few days with moving on mentally, he txts me today saying "I'm freaking out. I miss our life together." Waaaah! It stirred me up again, but even though he's saying that, it doesn't mean anything real. He had sent me a myspace message (in reply to a lot of upset and crazy txts I'd been sending him) a couple of days ago that was actually really nice and quite rational about our relationship, our feelings for each other, and how the breakup was for the best, etc., etc. But now this. Oh well, he's always been the king of mixed signals.
Feb 5 2009, 06:14 AM
i keep making mistake after mistake with mr. pugs and i. i really do. i moved out of the bedroom and was sleeping by myself. i was crying through most of the nights but i was making it. i was trying to figure out how i'm going to get through this time we have to "share" the house until one of us can buy out the other and move out. i was leaning on friends and family. he was avoiding coming home. i was staying busy. his relationship with his friend stephanie is making me very uncomfortable. i thought about writing her a myspace message asking her to just put some distance between them while we are dealing with this difficult situation. she's immature and would fire back at me and attack me via myspace message. i don't really feel like putting up with that shit. we had a really bad argument tuesday night. he lied right to my face. even after all this i've moved back into the bedroom. why you ask? because i'm an idiot. i told myself i just wanted to sleep back in our bed but i'm not so sure that's true. it's been two nights now i'm back in bed with him and all night he pesters me for sex. last night i asked him if we could just go back to the way we were and let the dust settle. we could just love one another until we are in a position to make a real decision. he said we could try but neither of us is going to bounce right back. then he hassles me for sex all night. that's the furthest thing from my mind. now i'm thinking of moving out of the bedroom again. i'm really tired and i need real sleep. in our bed without being pestered. he is home sick for five days with the flu. he's bored and irritated. he's horny and "misses me". i'm such an idiot. i'll never be strong enough to truly leave him. it's like a lifetime movies for women movie where i've had ever chance to leave and never taken it because i'm afraid. nothing will ever change with him. he is what he is. why can't i just get that through my thick head. the worst is not so much the pain of the split but the glimmer of hope that he will change and the crash and burn that follows when he lets me down. why do i care so much? what's wrong with me?
Feb 5 2009, 08:22 AM
(((( dayglowpink, LMP, girltrouble and zoya ))))
There's a funny website called Breakup Girl
- it's run as a blog now, but it used to be an advice column, and all the old columns are archived (see 'Advice' on left-hand side of screen). I think the advice is spot-on.
Feb 5 2009, 10:05 AM
thanks persiflager -
of course R hasn't called me again - so I just haven't done anything. (what else is there to do) I'm so bummed that I got caught off guard when I accidentally called him and ended up chatting with him instead of just saying "call me back when you're not busy" or something, and getting off the phone. I suppose that, aside from the needing space thing being for me - it's also so that I can take the power back and not hand it to him. Like when I stayed on the phone and chatted with him (after calling him back - even unintentionally, ugh, that's even more like chasing him.) I basically gave him the update on me more or less, so now he has no reason to check in. I'm not really trying to play a "game" per se, it's more like I want him to realize that he can't just have it - even if all he wants is a little sliver of it - whenever he wants. I'm the one who lets him have that by just handing it to him on a platter. So I'm the one that needs to cut that off, and I want to actually say it to him rather than just blowing him off. But like I said, I kinda didn't give him a reason to get back to me, so it just seems like it would be really dumb to just email him or something out of the blue and say it - especially if he's not contacting me.
...I get all this, and yet... I miss him.. not in a maudlin way, but I truly miss his energy and creativity in my world. I can't even think of the whole "well maybe we'll be friends someday" blah blah, because whenever that's happened in my world with guys (which is frequently) it's just happened organically after some time apart (often a LONG time apart), it's felt 100% right, and not been hard. It's never happened through any efforts I've made right off the bat to try and be friends. Hell, whenever I've made efforts with anyone to that end, it's just caused me pain. And besides, I don't want to try and be friends at this point. I'm not feeling it. I have feelings for him that are different from that. Hell, I've been laying low because I'm just not ready to see him at all. I might not even go to a gig that pretty much everyone i know will be at tomorrow night, because I'm quite certain he'll be there, and it's in a small place so I'll have to be right there. I don't want to shoot myself in the foot socially, but it just seems the easier thing to do for awhile.
great site, btw.
Feb 5 2009, 01:35 PM
LMP, I can relate to your post below and the flip flopping feelings and reactions. My relationship of five years needs to change, it has to change, because if it doesn't I can't stay, and neither can he. We argue about a lot of little things now. I cannot relate to his thought process. We have similar beliefs but, the way that we rationalize things differs greatly. We still love eachother. We live with eachother and we are each other's bestest friends. I want to be single again but then I don't want to be "alone" and I don't want him out of my life, and I'm afraid that he'll push me out if we break up.
Eta: I think you care because you still love eachother too. There's is nothing wrong with caring, that's far better than seeing things in black and white (my MO). Nothing is wrong with you.
Feb 5 2009, 10:04 PM
((((LMP)))) You're not an idiot or stupid or anything like that. You have feelings! That's normal and a good thing, even though I know it doesn't seem like it right now. Whatever ends up happening between you two, you do care about each other, and even if moving on turns out to be the right choice, it doesn't mean you are weak if it takes a while. I have a terrible pattern of breaking up and getting back together multiple times. I just decided that sometimes that was what I needed at the time. This breakup will probably be the first time that doesn't end up happening for me, but I've certainly been extremely tempted, and my ex moved out the next day! I feel for you, girl, and I've been thinking about you a lot. My breakup has been so painful, and we didn't even have half of the history you guys do. Trying to live in the same house seems absolutely impossible. Just please try not to beat yourself up.
Feb 6 2009, 12:17 AM
pugs can you move in w/ your parents? i know if i was around t all the time i would be feeling the same. that's why i'm trying to steer clear.
but dayglow is right-- there is nothing wrong with you. you are in a very difficult situation. but if you think it would be healthier for you to move out to the couch again, then do that. the motivation needs to be that you are going to do what is healthy, and what is best for you. and if you changed your mind, you can change it right back. you must remember to take care of you first.
Feb 6 2009, 06:59 PM
Pugs, you said he lied to your face the other night. What did he lie about? How do you know he was lying? I'm not doubting you - not in the least - I'm just wondering what he's up to.
I agree with GT. You need to get out of there. Please please don't spend the weekend at home with that man. Get out. Go to your parents house & stay there. See friends. Something.
Feb 10 2009, 03:45 PM
Feb 10 2009, 04:21 PM
Hello baroque. Welcome to Bust.
People do not become verbally abusive simply because they have rough upbringings. They become verbally abusive because they choose to deal with their rough upbringing by being mean to others. It sounds like you care a lot about this person but from what you've written it also sounds like he is only a great person when he takes a mood altering substance. Meaning, to me at least, he isn't really that person.
He doesn't want help and he clearly does not want to be saved from being mean to you. Take some of that love that you have and apply it to yourself. He just isn't going to be the person that you want him to be until he sees that there is a problem. That may take years. You are not really helping anyone, especially not yourself, by staying in a situation where he can be an ass and you apologize for him.
Take care of yourself. Let him grown up on his own or find someone who does not realize how much better she deserves.
Feb 10 2009, 04:55 PM
I'm going to agree with Kitten on this and add a few things.
The guy spends a lot of time online, sounds to me like he's got more than one addiction issue going on, just because gaming doesn't alter your mood per se, doesn't mean it isn't addicting. anyone who spends up to 12 hours online at a time?
I'd also be curious to know about the other issue.
Abuse manifests itself in different forms, but the bottom line is you don't deserve it.
I know you care about it, but it appears he's leaching off of you, abusing you and being a downright asshole. You can't help someone who doesn't want the help. I would consider leaving him.
Feb 10 2009, 05:14 PM
Feb 10 2009, 05:19 PM
Feb 10 2009, 08:46 PM
I've got experience with a partner with drug addiction. I'm not even going to sugar coat it here.
you sound almost exactly like me for nearly 5 years, up until 4 years ago when I broke up with my ex, who developed a SERIOUS drug problem and some other addictions (not unlike your BF) Thing was, he was a highly functioning addict. He went to a job, paid his rent, all that stuff. But he was completely stuck. he had his own creative stuff going on - that went out the window, as well as other stuff in his personal life. He just showed up for life, he wasn't actually LIVING it. I should have gotten out 2 years in. Instead I hung around for really most of the same reasons you mention. I was not only not doing myself any good, but I wasn't doing him any good. He got to just coast and stay stuck. and in the meantime, I was on the edge all the time. Finally, I just realized that I could never help someone who didn't really want to be helped. That me "being there" for him, ultimately didn't matter to him - even though he said it did, it didn't - it made not one iota of difference in the way he conducted his life, and for all the times he said he was going to kick drugs, he never did and stuck with it.
Funny you say about having thoughts that he'll get his shit together and treat the next person really well - my ex cleaned up after I left him. But I eventually realized that during the relationship, I stayed in it because I was living in the promise, not the reality of the situation. And the reality of the situation was that I was basically enabling him by staying there.
You can't fix someone. especially not an addict. and the stuff you're saying about worrying about him, etc. That's coming from the mind of someone who is together. Who is not an addict. Addicts don't think like that. Addiction is an incredibly selfish disease. You will always come out last, unless THEY choose to clean up. They will suck you dry emotionally.
Just as there is nothing you can or can't do that will make someone love you, there is nothing you can or can't do that will make an addict clean up. They have to decide on their own, and there's nothing you can do to make them do it. I know this sounds really harsh and cut and dried, but everyone I know who's ever been involved with an addict will say some version of the same thing.
I'm glad you're taking care of yourself - getting yourself back by leaving him - early in the game. (not hanging in for 5 years like I did, s that it was really hard to have to pull away) I promise that even though you love him, in the long run, you will not regret this FOR YOU and your own personal growth. When I left my ex, I promised myself I was going to do everything I could to work on myself. For me, that included going to therapy to help me get ME back. I've come out the better person for it, and so can you if you commit to staying broken up with him and working on your own emotional health.
Feb 11 2009, 12:57 AM
QUOTE(baroque @ Feb 10 2009, 05:19 PM)
Also, and this is probably pretty selfish, I keep imagining him straightening out after we're done and treating the next girl really well. I think that would probably be heartbreaking, and I have a feeling I'd bump into them sooner or later.
My ex was not an addict, but had (has) serious commitment issues. I too kept thinking that I would "fix" him, and the next girl would get everything that I had struggled with on a platter.
I found out recently that he hadn't changed at all, not on a fundamental level, and that the girl he's currently with is going to go through/going through the same shit I did (and she really should know better, she was around for our entire relationship and break up). This doesn't make me feel vindicated - I don;t wish the emotional hell I went through on anyone - I wish I had fixed him, and now, I hope that I'm reading the situation wrong, and I did.
Feb 11 2009, 01:24 AM
Feb 11 2009, 01:27 AM
Feb 11 2009, 06:45 AM
QUOTE(baroque @ Feb 10 2009, 02:45 PM)
in the beginning, i had no idea that he smoked pot every day. now, don't get me wrong - i have no problem with pot. but he smokes to a point that's affected his motivation to get a job or, well, do anything really. a couple of months into the relationship i realized he not only is a daily smoker, but he's also a bit of an online gamer (anywhere from 2-12 hours a day, in phases). he lived with me for the better part of year, but after many months of unemployment and little to no contribution, i felt as if i had no choice but to ask him to leave.
when he's in a good mood, he's quite kind.
every time he quits smoking for a few days though, that situation changes. he becomes quite verbally and emotionally abusive. anything can trigger him: one day it was that i had a hoarse voice from having a cold. he said it made me meek and timid and it was driving him crazy. he doesn't yell - he'll instead say things like "you're a fucking lunatic" if i cry.
it gets worse, but i'd rather not go into it in public.
Hi Baroque -
I've taken certain things you wrote before, out and just quoted them above. Try substituting any drug for "pot" in what you wrote above. Imagine someone else wrote it when you read it. Sounds like they're writing about an addict, right? I tried to convince myself forever that my ex wasn't really an addict because he was going to work on time, paying his bills, etc. But then I had someone point out something similar to the above to me - and it pretty much became obvious.
Feb 11 2009, 10:39 AM
my ex, who I also stayed with for a long time had mental health issues, addictions issues etc...hoenstly it was hard when it happened, but damn if I'm not glad it's over.
Feb 11 2009, 05:53 PM
QUOTE(baroque @ Feb 11 2009, 12:27 AM)
I have a quick question. When you were with this partner, did you ever find yourself wondering whether he was really an addict or whether you were overreacting? This is something I've definitely struggled with over the past year. I mean, it's pot, right? I wouldn't ever have thought you could be addicted to it, let alone that it could be destructive. I guess I just want to know, at what point do you decide somebody is an addict, rather than just an overzealous drug user? It's honestly pretty confusing.
While there is debate over wether or not a person can be physically addicted to pot, the habit of pot and they way that it makes a person feel can be very addictive.
Feb 14 2009, 01:52 PM
hung out w/mr.t last night--she got a pedicure, i got a ridiculous full set (that i luff, but y i won't be posting much for a while, lol...), then groceries. in between we had lunch. i was telling her about my upcoming series of paintings i'm sketching out, and not only did she get it (when other friends looked at me like i was nuts), but she confided something very personal too.... i kinda realized why i kept going back to her...she really, really gets me....
Feb 15 2009, 09:10 PM
I hung out with ex-boy all day today, and he spent the night last night. We talked a lot today about our relationship and feelings for each other. Lately it seems like we might end up getting back together. I need to figure out if that's what I really want, and he does, too, but it's been nice to have things be a little more positive and hopeful at least for the time being. There is something very stable and satisfying and meaningful about our relationship even if it's not filled with fireworks and passion. I'm happy right now but still confused.
Feb 16 2009, 08:50 AM
dayglowpink, you deserve someone who loves you and is in love with you. You deserve to be with someone who wants you with his head and his heart. You deserve to be someone's #1 girl. You deserve to be really, genuinely happy, not just ok with the situation.
You do not deserve to be told that he will never love you like he loves his ex. You do not deserve him seeing and falling in love with other people. You do not deserve blaming your discomfort with this on your own insecurities. You do not deserve to be the 'safe' choice.
These are not unreasonable, idealistic aims. These are the very minimum that you deserve. You deserve someone who thinks you're the best and treats you accordingly.
I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he is not going to give you that and you won't be able to find it while you're still involved with him.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but I've read your posts over the years and my heart goes out to you. You should not have to put up with this shit. Please, do not go back to him.
Feb 16 2009, 10:55 AM
DayGlowPink, I'm confused. In your post from January 26th, you said that the boy told you he is in love with another woman. Where is this other woman now? Does he still love her? Has he finally decided that he loves you? You deserve answers to all of these questions.
Has anyone heard from LuvMyPugs recently? She hasn't posted in a while & I'm concerned.
Feb 16 2009, 01:36 PM
so mr. pugs and i have desided to get back together. however, not really. it's very strange. basically, we have to live together for the time being. we own our house. i'd like to sell it but he thinks we'll both end up taking a loss because we owe more on it then we could sell it for with the market being the way it is right now. we also have a loan to pay off. the loan is in his name but we got it together during a rough financial time and i'd feel bad stiffing him with it. he's still thinking about whether or not he wants kids in his future. if it turns out he doesn't then that is a deal breaker for me. so basically, we are living together, as a couple until we can actually do something about the situation. i've moved back into the bedroom. we are having sex again. we just don't talk about "it". "it" being the "kid issue" as he likes to call it. i'm not wearing my engagement ring. i'm trying not to refer to him as my fiance. honestly nothing has changed and I mean NOTHING, ZERO, NADDA. Sometimes I look forward to the day that I can leave. Two weeks ago we had a huge fight. More so I screamed at him. I just told him how angry, hurt, frustrated and betrayed I feel. He tried to over yell me and I told him to shut the fuck up and listen to me. I told him he has ruined my life that I loved so much. I told him that he's just turned into a monster this past year. He was spending a lot of time with another woman, a married woman. This is a girl he went to high school with. They talk on the phone, they text. He went to her house one night while her husband was at work and they watched a movie. On his birthday she brought him a card and piece of cake. He's lied to me about texting her. He told me about the card and then two weeks later told me about the special piece of chocolate cake she got for him. I asked him flat out the night of the big fight if he's been cheating on me all this time with her. He promised me not, that they are just friends. I asked if he would distance himself from her while we are going through all this crap. I think he has tried. I see him texting her less and he hasn't mentioned talking to her. He says he lies to me about her because he knows I'll freak out if he told me he talks, texts or sees her. I know she's not happy in her marriage and I just don't see her helping the situation. Sometimes I tihnk about writing her a myspace message asking her to try to see things from my point of view and to ask her to distance herself from him as well. He just seems so uncaring and cold. This is just everday, everyday for him. I'm the one who's going to walk out on "us". We just don't agree. So like I said, we are back together because that's easier then living as enemies until one or both of us can move on. It still hurts. It does. I'm just pretending it's not there. That's pretty much it.
Feb 16 2009, 02:20 PM
there no way you could move back with your parents?
i just think it would do you a world of good not to swim in all that stress....
you just sound so unhappy, and i think your heart could heal better away from all of that....
please, pugs...think about it....
Feb 16 2009, 03:20 PM
Ditto what GT said. It's better to move in with your parents than to stay in that poisonous atmosphere. If he can't afford the place on his own you can still pay some of the mortgage for a while without living there. Frankly, I think your sanity and the health of your spirit is worth the money you both might lose on the house. But that's just me.
And I don't buy for a minute that nothing is going on with that other woman. Maybe they haven't actually done anything physical yet, but it sounds like they're guilty of emotional infidelity. I'm not saying that men and women can never be friends - they can - but in this case it sounds like you have good reason to be suspicious. Take it from someone who was guilty of doing the same thing: if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't be hiding anything. If they were just friends, then you & her husband would be a part of more of their plans.
I don't think you should talk to her. That won't accomplish anything. I feel sorry for her husband, though. Her behavior is doing nothing to save their marriage. I know that from experience, too.
Here's the one big HUGE ENORMOUS lesson that Mr. P & that woman need to learn: you will never fix your primary relationship if you continue to seek solace from someone outside of that relationship. To fix a relationship, you have to work within the relationship. It's a basic, simple fact but a lot of people learn this the hard way.
Feb 16 2009, 03:54 PM
LMP - what are you getting out of this current situation? How is it helping you with your needs now?
Feb 16 2009, 04:31 PM
Ladies, aside from moving in with strangers there isn't anything I can do. I can't move back home with my parents and neither can he. I can't afford rent some where and still pay my portion of the bills. Living in the other room for the next six months or how ever long this is going to take just makes me miserable. I don't know what to do. Someone tell me what to do. Where do I go? Why do I have to go? That is my freaking house too. I love that house. I love MY FREAKING BEDROOM AND MY BED!! I LOVE HIM. MY DREAMS ARE SHATTERED HERE. HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND AND SEEMS LIKE HE DOESN'T CARE. I'm not giving it up every night but God Damnit I have needs too. My heart hurts and sometimes sleeping with him just makes me feel better in the moment. Plus I'm sick. I have the flu. I need rest. I'm not getting that in the guest room. I hate this whole situation but I don't have anywhere else to go. I'm not freaking leaving. I'm not the one who threw our life away. Let him move out or stay with someone. I'm not doing it. Fuck that. He's so stubborn. He's so hurtful and cold. He is a monster. If we did fix things I wonder if I'd ever be able to trust another thing he says. All these years he's made promises and I had so much love, hope and trust in our future together and this last year things have just nose dived into the abyss. It's horrible. So if I lay in his arms and just delude myself in the few hours I have with him a day for the next "x" amount of months then that's what I'm going to do. I know it's wrong. I know it's not smart but soon he'll be gone and these nights will be all I have left to keep me warm when I'm alone. I know something is going on with his friend. I know it's emotional infidelity. Don't think I don't know that. What do I do about that? What? Tell me? He listens to NOTHING that I say. Terrible thoughts go through my head on a regular basis. The therapist comes back today. We saw here twice and she supports my decision to leave if that's what I want. She wants me to come back. Here's the real shitter though, the longer I keep seeing her the less money I'll have to put away so I can move the fuck out. So I gotta deal with all of this on my own. As unhealthy as it is, it is what it is. I'm sorry to be upset but I feel so alone in this. Everyone "understands" everyone's "been there" everyone's "here if you need me". Is anyone offering a room up? NO!! Is anyone telling him what a complete ass he's being? NO!! They tell me that. Sure. They tell me he's making a big mistake. Sure but no one tells him. Because he's "the man" and if he doesn't have his shit together then they are all screwed. No one will ever stand up to him. His momma is happy as a pig in shit to be having her baby boy all back to herself. She didn't shed one tear over this in front of me. She just says, "Well, duh you guys gotta do what makes you happy." Well, non of this makes me happy. NOTHING!! Well that's just great. She can have him. This is just going down hill. I gotta go.
Feb 16 2009, 04:54 PM
this is probably a dumb and unhelpful question, but why the hell isnt he the one in the spare room:/
Feb 16 2009, 05:18 PM
I'm sorry, LMP. I didn't mean to make things worse. I was just worried about you.
I'm sorry you can't stay with your family. I'm sorry no one has offered you a place to live (I know it must be extremely difficult for you to ask this from friends, no matter how close they are to you). I'm sorry no one has talked to Mr. P (I know a number of Busties would be interested in having a word with him). I'm sorry your therapist has been out of town. I'm sorry this hurts so much. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.
If you ever feel an urge to take a road trip to North Carolina, I've got plenty of free time & a comfy guest room ready & waiting.
Feb 16 2009, 08:16 PM
i'm not a very emotional person so there is something i don't understand. i'm not trying to pick a fight or insult you i just can't wrap my noggin around it. why do you love a stubborn hurtful cold monster?
Feb 16 2009, 08:54 PM
QUOTE(starship @ Feb 16 2009, 04:54 PM)
this is probably a dumb and unhelpful question, but why the hell isnt he the one in the spare room:/
that i can answer
OUR bed is a king
THE GUEST BED is a full
I am 5'3" and Mr. Pugs is 6'4"
Logically it makes more sense that the smaller person takes the smaller bed. Although, deep down I want him to loose some sleep at night like I am but I guess I'm just too nice.
hiddenpoet - i don't know how to answer your question...i'm sorry
roseviolet - you are an angel right now to me. thank you
Feb 16 2009, 09:30 PM
QUOTE(hiddenpoet @ Feb 17 2009, 01:16 AM)
i'm not a very emotional person so there is something i don't understand. i'm not trying to pick a fight or insult you i just can't wrap my noggin around it. why do you love a stubborn hurtful cold monster?
bleh, most of us have loved a shitbag at some point.
i feel too young to give relationship advice &every relationship is so unique, but i went through a phase of not wanting to let go too- no matter how badly i was treated. i was scared and still in love and let my emotions completely overwhelm any common-sense or dignity i owned. i got into an awful state until the point came when i decided- consciously- to turn it all into anger. i also decided to make myself happy again- just so i could show him- until eventually i was
happy, and it was for myself. and thats what got me over him. He wants me back now so im glad im over it and able to say noo. the line 'i always intended to come back to you' confirmed everything.
anyway, i digress, id still insist on at least splitting the bed situation- i dont get why his discomfort be prioritised over yours:/
it sounds awful how trapped you seem to be right now, i really hope things resolve themselves for you soon:) (&im sure they will). youll be so much stronger when all this is through
Feb 16 2009, 09:42 PM
I'd back up others' suggestions to get out of the unhealthy situation. One of you should leave, whether it's you or him. I might recommend living with your parents while you pay house expenses, and work on getting the place sold. Then your ex can take his money from the house sale and do what he wants with it, and you can take your money, set yourself up in a nice apartment or buy yourself a condo and spend some time with yourself and working on finding what you want for your life.
Feb 16 2009, 09:57 PM
LMP, what you need to do is leave and sue his controlling, emotionally abusive ass for half of the equity of the home.
Or sell it.
He's controlling you. He's cheating on you.
And you are too good for that. Things are going to be hard, but you need to go. You need to gather the strength adn get out of there.
Crash with friends, look for a roommate on Craigslist, but get the hell out of there and away from him.
Feb 17 2009, 12:31 AM
You are the angel, sweetheart.
Your story sounds familiar to me because I've experienced something similar, but unfortunately in my case, I was the one in Mr. Pugs position. That's why I wish I could talk to him. I am so horribly ashamed for the way I treated the ex-Mr.-Violet during our long, drawn out, horrendous break-up. No matter what he may have done to me, he didn't deserve the emotional turmoil I put him through ... just as you don't deserve what Mr. Pugs is doing to you.
Anyway. About the house. I don't know anything about real estate trends in Delaware, so take this with a grain of salt. I know that in my area, activity really picks up in Spring and Summer. That's when people like to move because it's less likely to affect school schedules. This is not just limited to kids. Adult graduate students are big buyers in my market. The people who graduate in May put their houses on the market in Spring so they can take off for their new jobs in other states right after the semester ends. Conversely, the new grad school students take advantage of this & move here during late Spring & Summer. The market is lousy for certain price points (especially anything with 4 bedrooms or more), but if you're trying to sell a starter home, you may be in luck. For first-time buyers there are TONS of great reasons to buy a house this Spring. Interest rates are unbelievably low, the federal government has excellent incentives available to first time buyers, and the days of crazy price bubbles are over.
Do you have a friend who is a realtor? Maybe a friend of a friend? If so, ask them about the market in your specific area. See if they have any advice. You may not make a profit on the house, but getting that monkey off your back will go a long long way towards healing your soul & making you stronger.
Feb 17 2009, 06:30 AM
My parents have a three bedroom house. My sister is in one. My parents in another. The third they just finally finished and is a family office. Their basement is FULL and their couches are tiny and uncomfortable. I can't move home.
Mr. Pug's house is a two bedroom. His parents in one, his sister in the other. When he lived at home his sister was in the attic. When he moved back home the first time they moved her back to the attic and him back into his bedroom. He doesn't want to do that to his sister again. Plus, his dad uses the attic now as a retreat. Also, his grandmother is now living there on the couch while she recovers from open heart surgery.
Neither of us can move back home. It just isn't an option.
Why is my gut telling me that splitting up from him permanently is just wrong? I mean every bone in my body is telling me that if I walk out on this relationship that I'm going to regret it. I don't think he's feeling this but I absolutely am.
Feb 17 2009, 08:03 AM
I know this is hard, it is like breaking a bad habit, but I don't think whether Mr. Pugs has a comfortable place to go, should be one of your priorities. This is a man carrying on with another woman, with no regard for your feelings. He has backed out of all the promises that he has made to you and in turn is making you out to be the bad guy and making you feel like shit all of the time. All the while still trying to guilt you for sex.
He's behaving like a turd. He does not deserve your concern.
Broken hearts can give off wrong gut signals. If anything, you need to get away from him for a few weeks. You need to crash on your parents couch, which I am sure they will not mind. Pugs, I am going to give you some tough love, but it seems to me that you are terrified of what may happen on his end if you remove yourself from the situation, so you are making every excuse to yourself as to why you cannot leave that house for awhile.
Leaving for a while, not even breaking up all the way, is the best thing you can do right now. If this drives him into the arms of another woman, or the absence does not make the heart grow fonder, than that is what was meant to be. If your gut is correct, some time apart could be great for both of you to gain some perspective to work through this hard time....... but that won't happen with you being a needy mess, all up in each others shit... You're too good for this... I know how hard leaving is, even when it is not permanent, I was just there a few months ago.....
But you need to do it.
Feb 17 2009, 09:01 AM
plus i think to be surrounded by your fam, who is super supportive instead of the recently turd-like pugs. as my friend would say about that environment, "you're bathing in your own filth." even if it's uncomfortable, it will be so much better for your heart, head, and soul. right now you feel like you're th one getting the short end of the stick, but you are not. you have a great job, and are making good $$$, a a bright future and more. i'll bet you're still doing things for him, his laundry, keeping the place clean, etc. a week after you've gone he will realize how good he had it,and you won't want to put up with his shit anymore.
you need clarity, pugs, and you aren't gonna get it in that house.
Feb 17 2009, 10:34 AM
be proud of me. i wrote down about four places i could stay.
1. My Aunt Linda's house. She has a three bedroom and a big couch and lives by herself.
2. My Aunt Mary's house. She has a finished basement with it's own bathroom.
3. My friend Stephanie and her husband Shad's house. They have a big couch and I could help with their little boy sweetin the deal.
4. My Mom and Dad's although they really don't have the room.
i called my mom and talked to her about it. She said it's a brave move for me. She knows I'm really suffering in this. I admitted to her that sometimes I tell myself that if I keep the house clean enough, make him dinner, let him play his video game without complaining and give in on sex that he'll love me more and change his mind about us splitting up eventually. It's very unhealthy. I talked to my friend Luke about it and he said he'd nonchalantly talk to Shad about, "Hey, Sheena needs a couch to crash on for a few weeks. You have any ideas of a place she could stay?" to see if Shad and Stephanie are up for it. I know they would take me in. They really love me and I love them and their little boy. My mom wants to talk to my Dad about what they can do to possibly let me move home for a bit. She also said that either of my Aunt's houses are not a bad suggestion. I never really sat down and thought about it. I'm at work and I just went down the contacts list in my cell phone and made a list. I didn't think I had any options but I kinda do. Ryan has options too and he could absolutely stay at his cousin Davids, Joes or his Aunt Debbie's. However, I don't really want to be at the house alone. GT is right when she said it would be nice to stay somewhere surrounded by family and friends. My mom said she would let me know as soon as her and my dad have a chance to talk.
This is just such a sucky situation. People really are being great to me. All of you are being really great. I need your no nonsense talk ladies. Give it to me straight. I shouldn't have stuck around as long as I did. I've been so blind. I feel like an idiot sometimes.
Well, I gotta get back to work.
Feb 17 2009, 11:50 AM
Bravo! Good for you, LMP! Keep pursuing this & let us know what happens.