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QUOTE(dj-bizmonkey @ Oct 12 2008, 11:27 AM) *
i think right now it is most important to focus on the day to day stuff and not worry about what is going to happen in the future. i will figure it out when i get there. worrying never did anyone much good anyhow.

This is exactly what my friends have been telling me. Just do each thing at a time and deal with problems as they arise. I know I have my shit together, overall, and that's what will make me come out of this ok.

One thing that has really helped is doing yoga classes. I started going to a class for bikram which i've never done before and it's really hard. It fills the time and forces me to concentrate on something else, and it calms me down so much and gives a sense of accomplishment. This has seriously been the best thing I've done for myself in the past week (also - pizza and red wine). Taking care of myself, spoiling myself a little, and trying to be patient.
kayte-- do me one favor-- i don't know your guy, but call your landlord and tell him the situation. i've known too many crazy boyfriends who would trash a place just to get back at the girl.

just make sure your ass is covered, k?
re-investing in your body and mind afresh seems like a fantastic way to recover. i think i'm going to take the money i would have spent on a plane ticket to see the bf one last time (which was my idea, but he thought it would be too painful and he'd just try to win me back) to say goodbye and spend it on three weeks with a personal trainer here to whip my butt back into shape.

i feeling stronger today than i was this weekend. but it's going to be a good long while before i feel 'normal.' i miss the little, everyday things about him and our relationship. i'll see something or hear something on the radio that reminds me of him, but i can't reach out at the moment anymore. i'm going to try and think of him being in some developing country where he has no phone, no access to the interweb and that i couldn't contact him even if i tried.
girltrouble, he's been being very civil. He's a smart dude, i wouldn't have been with him for this long if he was the guy who would do that. I know it's good advice in general, and I was a little worried about it at first, but now everybody's calmed down and looked at the relationship carefully and I think he can move on with dignity.

It is scary though to just surrender your apartment to your ex.

Today I actually was able to concentrate at school, go me!
Oh my god the perfect thing:

My friend who also recently broke up with her boyfriend and I are going to rent ridiculous movies and have pizza and mixed drinks.

and cupcakes. And pajamas. What could be more great for a post-breakup friday night? Any ideas for the perfect movies to watch?
yay for go_kayte! it sounds like you have great friends to comfort you. you have a great plan for the weekend. movies? wow. what are you going for? do you want to cry? laugh?
Hey all, I'm new in this thread but thought I'd come in for a bit of tea & sympathy! I just broke up with my boy on Tuesday night. It was my decision to end it, we've been together almost 2 years but I just wasn't really feeling it, y'know? It sucks because he's an absolutely amazing guy and I feel incredibly guilty about hurting him, and I know he really does love me. But I guess it's fairer in the long run to let him go and find someone who can give him what he really deserves. The guilt is absolutely killing me, even though he's being pretty good about it all. He's staying with me at the moment too as he's between houses, and I feel so bad leaving him to sleep on the sofa every night. I can't help feeling like the world's biggest bitch, even though I know I'm ultimately doing the right thing. Sigh, why can't these things just be easy??
I keep getting sad plaintive emails from the ex and I don't know how to respond. It sucks because he knows me so well and I do still love him so he knows exactly how to tug on my heart. I have to keep reminding myself the reasons I had to break up with him..but it's so hard..

Pointybird, I totally hear you.
QUOTE(go_kayte @ Oct 17 2008, 02:11 PM) *
I keep getting sad plaintive emails from the ex and I don't know how to respond. It sucks because he knows me so well and I do still love him so he knows exactly how to tug on my heart. I have to keep reminding myself the reasons I had to break up with him..but it's so hard..
Pointybird, I totally hear you.

Big hugs from me Kayte and Bizmonkey, it's nice to know others are going through it as well! To be honest, I'd almost rather be the dumpee than the dumper, at least that way you can get angry and vent and cry and throw things. Now I just feel sadness and overwhelming guilt. I'm going for drinks with a few girls from work tomorrow afternoon/evening, which is nice as it'll keep me busy. I hope your weekend's not too rough gals, I'll be sending good vibes your way!
oh, beware of the tugging at the heart moments. when i ended things with the ex, i was done. i felt no emotional attachment in that loving way. my ex was pretty cunning. one night we went out for dinner, casually, and she gave me this look and i knew that look. *sigh* i knew i couldn't go there.

go_kayte, made up your mind on movies? when i know i need to laugh i pick really stupid funny movies. when i was alone after my breakup, after a friend's suggestion, i was eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. this was when the movie just came out. dude, i did the ugly cry all by myself. but, it was totally worth it.
We ended up going with Spinal Tap and then Harry Potter, the 2nd one. It was fun. Wine and cheeseburgers were had.

I think I've found both a subleaser for my apartment and a little studio apartment to move into. I got word that my ex is now out of the apartment. The logistics are being worked out. That's a huge load off my mind. I wish the emotional part was easier though.
Hey Stargazer!

I had a horrible breakup around the time eternal sunshine came out and was sobbing through it. Avoid this film at all costs if you are hurting or if you need to watch it, get a friend to be with you with a box of puffs plus.

kayte- Sorry you are going through all this pain. ((((hugs))))

Thepointybird- I broke up with someone about a year ago for the reasons you posted. I have had some terrible breakups in the past and tried so hard not to be hurtful, but at the same time needed to be distant. It fucks you up on either side.

My thing is that I was seeing someone over the summer and I really liked him, but in retrospect I see that I was being lead on and that is some painful shit. I tried to trust him and tried to allow myself to get close, but then he drifted and he stopped calling and I got tired of trying and gave up. it sounds simple, but I was hurting and there is some moving on factors that I have been feeling. Gosh this sounds so high school. I hope I have learned enough to recognize these things earlier in the whole dating process.
(((princess_dander))) good to see you posting! smile.gif sorry about your situation with this guy.
Thanks Stargazer. I feel like i learned a lot through it all and so it wasn't all bad.
I'm currently in a painful period of transition. My girlfriend and I are both 22 and we've been together for nearly 2 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago, and I thought everything was going fine. She'd started a few stupid fights with me over nothing, and I was concerned, but I didn't think there was anything wrong that we couldn't fix. I was completely blindsided when she told me at one o'clock yesterday morning that she wanted us to "back up a step" and get separate places again. She said that she was too young to be in such a committed relationship and she didn't want to be in a relationship "just because [she] was yesterday." She said she needed to figure out if we have a reason to stay together. After the initial shock we talked it through, and I thought we'd be ok. I thought I'd just be sleeping somewhere else for a week or two and avoiding her until she could sort herself out, or that we'd get separate places and stay together and eventually move back in when she was ready. I came home from school yesterday and we talked about it again, but this time she sounded different, like this is a breakup and not just a separation. I hadn't slept or eaten, and I was having a hard time keeping my thoughts in order, so I could have misunderstood everything. Everything is up in the air right now. I'm sleeping at my mom's place (who is in the middle of separating from my dad - between us and the other transitioning friend who stayed there this month, she said the place is starting to feel like the heartbreak hotel) and all my stuff is still at the apartment.

I'm not handling this very well. I cried in front of one of my teachers today. A combination of shock and grief have made me into a confused mess. I'm freaking out because I don't know how to react and I'm terrified that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm only upset because I have an unhealthy dependence on her, or if it's natural to be upset when a good relationship ends. My confidence has totally been shaken. I really don't want to break up. I really don't want to move. But if that's how she feels, we have to do it. I just want to wake up next to her again.
I've posted about this relationship before, but it's been awhile so I'll recap.

In August my boyfriend of a little over a year and I decided to break up because we were both in different paths. I go to school in Boston, he goes to school in DC, so it would be a long distance relationship for at least another two years and our postgrad goals (if all goes according to plan) don't seem to be getting us any geographically closer.

Since we broke up, however, our relationship has been pretty much exactly the same. We talk to each other the same way and just as often, we made plans to visit each other one weekend. We still occasionally exchange "I love you"s and have (amazing) sex. He is my best friend, no matter what, and one of the most important people in my life.

For the first semester of our long distance relationship we had an open relationship (we closed it the second semester) and, honestly, besides a slew of pretty terrible dates, I don't see any difference between what we had then and what we have now. In fact, it seems even more secure and mature.

I've started toying with the idea of getting back together. I can argue both sides of it really well, and the general summary of each is:

This is who I want to be with. It seems stupid to ignore the fact that we still feel so strongly for each other. I've honestly tried to move on but everything just confirms the fact that the only person I want to be with right now is him. When I listen to my heart, I know that what I really want is to get back together.

But when I listed to my head, and silly logic, I remember that the circumstances on why we broke up are still the same. When does a long distance relationship stop being worth it? I should just be satisfied with having him in my life the way he is and not worry about putting a label on it. What would change? Why do I want that label so badly?

I'm just trying to look for an outside opinion on this. The only people I've talked to is a friend who's a cheerleader for "love conquers all, if you love each other, love will find a way" and people who are really bitter about relationships in general. So, opinions? Advice? Words of wisdom?

Thank you!

epi~ you seem to be putting so much of this relationship on your shoulders. perhaps she just realises she wants to figure herself out, or grow. i know how it feels to want to just wake up next to someone, i get really skinstarved after a break up, or when i miss someone a lot, but, hard as this sounds, don't take it personal. it could be there are external reasons that she wants to be on her own. don't blame yourself. there are somebodies out there who would be ready for what you are looking for, and who knows, they might be better for you, for that reason alone. it sucks but ask her what she wants exactly and respect her wishes, why spin your wheels trying to get her there when she just isn't ready?

ducky, my two cents?

move on. enjoy that time you have, but start growing in your own direction, date other people. why? people break up with people for specific, thought out reasons. it's never whimsical. breaking up with someone is not something that most people would consider fun, so you consider it seriously before you ever get the guts up to do it for reals.

you may love each other still, and still have feelings--- i do for most of my ex gf's. that's the nature of love-- you are blessed to spend time with someone who hopefully makes you see the world new. but can i ask you a question? you guys are still in a LDR, yes? it's easy to take the good in one of those relationships, and forget about the bad. if you really want to get back together i'd ask him one of those questions you really don't want the answer to: what was the real reason he broke up with you? (it could be cos you are in different states, that's valid)and considering that has the thing that made him break up with you changed? if not, you are not looking at this realistically.

but then that's just my take. i don't expect love to last always, i just enjoy the hell out of it when i get it, and when it's over hold on to the friendship if i can.


so, i broke up with mr. t/my daddy (it was a bdsm based relationship) on fri. i think it was the right thing. i've kind of let my life go to hell and i need to remedy that. i know that she probably wants to get back together, but i just can't. i need lots of me time and it's really not fair to not give her the attention she deserves. i wish her well. she was very good to me, and i will always think of her as fam, i hope she sees me that way too. i do love her, but i need to love me for a good long time...heh.

i just don't want my self esteem to be based on her. i want it to be about how i feel about me. and in the 3/4 years we've been dating it's been about her. no harm, no foul, i just need to be self sustaining/reliant. i've known this for a while, since i broke up with my gf before her, kitty, who i loved tremendously. but i love being in love, i love doting on someone/being doted on, and well, i let it overwhelm any sense i have that knows better.

but no more. i am thinking i want to be single for atleast 2 years, give or take, possibly celibate even for a year. i just really want to build myself up and all the flirting that comes with girls and boys, well that, that is trouble for me. and trouble is my middle name (sort of). looking back it looks like i'm nothing if not consistant. my last 4 relationships: 4, 4, 7 and 4 years in duration. the 7, was kitty, natch.
Thanks for the kind words, Girltrouble. I know I shouldn't take it personally. But when I suddenly find out that the person I trust more than anyone else is keeping things from me, that the person I was sharing my life with has suddenly decided to cut me just makes me fucking sick. I don't even know how to begin to get over this. She's acting like I should have seen this coming. We'd had a few fights, one or two halfhearted discussions about being a little more independent from each other, but never anything indicating that we needed to change the entire course of our relationship. We had our problems, just like all couples, but I'm not the type to bail when there's a problem, and I never thought she was, either. Even when those problems prove to be a deal-breaker, there's a certain amount of consensus that has to happen. There's usually a discussion, or at least enough mutual dissatisfaction that the breakup doesn't come as a shock. But there was absolutely nothing. The day she broke up with me, I'd been out telling people how happy we were and how well things were going. She never bothered to discuss the problem with me. She just sat me down at one o'clock in the morning on a perfectly normal day and told me it was over.

I don't think I'm dependent for depending on honesty and reliability and openness. If she had just tried to discuss it with me first, she could still have got what she wanted and I wouldn't be so miserable. She'd be happily single and I'd be ok with it, because it would have been our decision, not just something she sprung on me out of nowhere. I feel like I came home and all her stuff was gone. During the initial talk, when she told me how desperately unhappy she was and how she felt smothered and tied down, she made a point of telling me that she didn't want me out of her life, and even though it was 4 am and I'd just lost my relationship, I still felt like there was an element of fairness in the way we'd actually discussed it, even though she'd already made up her mind without me. But the next day she was so cold to me, it was like she resented me for being in her life. She acted that way for days, and then one night she came home from a friend's place at 2 am and crawled into bed with me and cuddled and kissed me and started crying and telling me she didn't want to lose me. The next morning I woke up to her cuddling me and kissing me again, when she thought I was asleep. Now things are a little more stable between us. But I still can't hug her without bursting into tears. I placed so much faith in this relationship, and to suddenly find myself so completely wrong is a horrible, horrible shock. It's been almost a month and I still can't believe it's happening. The thing that keeps looping over and over in my mind is that this would all have been OK with a little warning - but that's impossible and stupid to even think about. I don't seem to have any friends right now. And on top of that we're still living together until the end of the month. In a fucking bachelor apartment. I don't know how to get over this. I feel completely lost.
Epinephrine, sounds like she was not completely honest with you. Not discussing what she was thinking about and opening up to you, saying she was having doubts about your relationship. She probably was having these thoughts for some while, but just was afraid to mention it. It usually builds up and it all comes out one day. It could be a perfectly "normal" afternoon, like in your case.

After my experiences, I have realized that most people just aren't open and honest and since you can't see what is going on someone's head, it is really up to the other person to share things with you - or not. Sometimes there is "something in the air" which you can't lay your finger on, which acts like some sort of warning. But hey, if life only would be that predictable!

To me it sounds like you are a honest person and believe in trust and openness in a relationship. Don't loose that just because your gf hasn't done the same with you. You deserve the same in return, so it might be better to move on and realize that she is not the right person for you.

When people say they "need a break", "need space/time" or whatever, it usually means they want to break up and
a.) don't have the heart to tell you or
b.) don't want to let go of the illusion that it might still work out.

Keep your head up. wink.gif
ive read through the recent replies & my heart goes out to all of you.

i used to post in this thread when i was continuously breaking up with a guy that really didnt treat me very well. since then, i found someone amazing & we were together a year and a half.

he was incredible to me & we loved each other dearly. that is, until he decided that he didnt love me as much & fell for another girl (she doesnt know about his affection at all).

my heart is shattered. i thought we were going to have a long and happy marriage & he agreed and said it would have made sense. my family just met him on thanksgiving and couldnt get over how wonderful he is.

i wish he did something horrible that i could be furious about. i feel like such a fool. he should have spoken to me when he started feeling different months ago & i would have gone to couples counseling but its just too late. he says hes no longer in love with me & i know theres no arguing with that.

we're living together (his idea) and i really want him to go as soon as possible. everyone i know is going to be shocked & i dont know how ill go out anymore! are friends are all tangled up together. i trusted him completely with my heart and never thought this would happen...

thanks for listening.
flicker, I feel for you. My last relationship ended similarly after 5 years. Though his reasons for wanting it to be over were even more obscure, he just said he needed to ‘be on his own’ for a while, that we had been together so long he just needed to live by himself and have his life all to himself for a while. I was still so in love with him I totally didn’t understand. I was convinced he just wanted to date somebody else (and eventually he DID end up dating a girl that he was “friends” with during this time, which lasted for about a month btw). We lived together for 2 months after the initial breakup in this weird half-relationship limbo, and as hard as that was I didn’t even really feel the pain of the breakup until after we moved out and got separate apartments. I remember feeling so lonely and sad for so long, I never thought it would end. I let myself hold on to the idea that we could get back together for too long.

The best advice I can give, which is advice I was told during my breakup, but ignored nonetheless, is that you should really cut off all contact with your ex. No ‘friends’ bullshit. Because no matter what, if you’re still getting over eachother, friends isn’t possible, it’s just an excuse not to let go. You can be friends possibly, eventually, after YEARS, but the fastest way to get over somebody right now is to cut him out of your life as much as possible, as hard as that is.

And eventually the terrible feelings DO go away. It’s not even necessarily anything you can make happen. Just let yourself feel as sad as you need to and remember that when you feel so horribly depressed and lonely there’s nowhere you can go but up. Eventually. You will get there. You will be happy and whole again and even meet somebody who will make you smile once more.

Sorry if that sounded super cheesy, but fuck, it’s true. Keep posting and let us know how things are going.
Flicker I also feel for you, be strong and you can make it through this. The same thing happened to me, although we were not living together and were dating for less time than you and your bf, but it still truly hurt. Yes, things do get better. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I am engaged to the man of my dreams and the love of my life. I agree with the advice in the previous post about cutting him out of your life. It will just be too painful to see him moving on, especially when you are still in love with him. You will be okay without him.
Have never posted here, and haven't decided if I'm gonna break up with my boy or not, but I feel like I need to get some stuff out, and this seems like a good place to do it. I've been engaged in a constant struggle for the past month or so thinking obsessively about whether I should break up with him. I went through something similar last winter when our relationship had gone to shit, because he was very depressed and self-absorbed and had pulled away from me so much that I just didn't see the point anymore. But we did end up getting through that and had an awesome summer and fall. Now he's depressed again and won't talk to me about it, and it brings up everything that's wrong about our relationship for me. I obsess on those things and wonder if it's the right relationship for me. We aren't passionately in love, and he doesn't think he'll ever feel like that about me. But that's what he feels makes our relationship work for him. When he's had that in the past, the relationship has terrible ups and downs, and he feels like what makes ours good is that it's stable. I love him, but it's not a giddy overjoyed passionate love. That freaks me out, too, but I wonder if I'm selling myself short by accepting something different from that and whether I should open myself up to the possibility with someone else. Our sex life has sucked for quite a while, and every time we've tried to discuss it we end up in the same old argument that seems impossible to resolve. He can hardly ever make me come anymore, and I've given up on initiating sex lately (among other problems). I'm very unhappy right now, but I don't know if I should perservere and trust that things will get better again or say fuck it. Sometimes I think the potential pain of the breakup is a such deterent for me that I can't even truly consider that option. i keep thinking of the grass is always greener, like if I did break up with him, would I later realize that the next relationship had just as many issues albeit different ones perhaps. I get so confused about how many of our issues are my issues that would spring up in any relationship or how many of them are specific to him. I constantly think about it and try to figure it out and get absolutely nowhere.

((((everyone who's going through breakups)))) Reading through this thread has given me some hope that I can get through it if I decide to do it and that of course I won't be alone in the pain and loneliness.
We had it out today and talked long and hard about a lot of these issues. I admitted to him that I've been seriously considering breaking up, and I think that was a bit of a wake up call for him. I cried so much I gave myself a terrible headache and almost lost it in hysterics. I still don't know how things will pan out, but we're giving it our best shot for now. I felt better when I talked to a friend of mine today, and he said he and his gfriend have just been through a really rough patch where they weren't sure if they were going to stay together, but they've worked through it and are in a better place now. I guess all relationships have their ups and downs.
So, I'm not sure where to post it, and if people think it doesn't belong here please let me know.

Yesterday, I hung out with my ex for the first time in about a year. It was good to see him, and we had a really good time talking, and re-affirmed two things for me:

1. I no longer have ANY desire to be in a relationship with this man. He drained my energy, and I have zero tolerance for his bs any more.
2. The only thing I really miss is the sex. (We didn't have it when I saw him, I'm relying on memory here.)

I find myself in a bit of a pickle though, and I'd like to hear what busties have to say about it.

My ex hurt me pretty badly, mostly because he stayed so long in our relationship when he didn't want to be in a relationship. In our conversation yesterday, I find that he is doing the exact same thing to his current girlfriend, who I am not overly fond of but toward whom I hold no ill will. After some of the things he said to me about he feelings about their relationship, I just want to shake him, and slap him across the face and say "WTF are you doing? If you are sure you feel that way about those things, why are you in a relationship with her, with anyone? Is it because you don't want to hurt her? Did you learn NOTHING from our relationship?!?!?!?"

My roommate says I should mind my own business and not say anything, that his girlfriend knew what she was getting into having been mutual friends of ours (has been friends with him for a long time) and saw what happened with our relationship, and that if she gets burned or badly hurt by him it's her own damn fault. The thing is, I don't want to say anything to her about it, but rather want to say something to him. I want him to take responsibility for his life and his actions and grow a pair, and then grow the fuck up. And then the next time he is in a relationship with someone, to make sure that person is poly-amourous, since that was the time in our relationship when he was the best to me, and the happiest in himself.

What do you think busties? Do I say something to him, or hold my tongue?

this is such a long story, but like most.. I feel like I have to talk about it somewhere!! Everyone seems to have such good advice..
My boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago.. havent seem him since
We had a real rough month, he is a little younger and was VERY scared about making a serious commitment (moving in, marriage)... He was trying real hard and resenting himself for "not being good enough"
He broke up with me twice and came back both times, less than an hour later, crying about how he was making a mistake and was just scared.
I took him back both times.. but was very cautious.. I was doubting EVERYTHING because he had just left me twice. Well, my doubt caused him to leave and for good this time.
I didnt talk to him for a week, but he called before he left for vacation and said he wanted to get together when he got back to call and say goodbye...
anyway, LONG LONG story short... I am a mess... he hasn't responded to me since then (via text) and I find myself creating this alternate reality where he will come back to me and be READY! The logical part of me knows that he is not coming back and I cannot seem to feel better. We only dated for a year, but I am a mess without him. cant eat, cant sleep.. hate being alone, but hate being around people even more. I have nightmares about him being with other women and dreams about him coming back.. that disappoint in the morning. I cry over nothing, daily.. I just cant seem to snap out of this and realize that he is not coming back. I am literally driving myself and my friends crazy.. maybe someone can relate and provide a little advice.. because I feel like I am losing it..
geekchick – if I was you I would say something to him, tell him what you’ve observed in the most mature way you can muster and then let it be. Whether or not he takes your advice is beyond your control, but since you do have this unique perspective and insight why not do what you can to help future hurt and heartache, even if it’s not your own? And kudos to you for being able and willing to help. I see kind of the same pattern with my ex and his new gf, but since she supposedly doesn’t like me, and I honestly don’t feel like I’m nothing more than acquaintances with him now, I don’t feel comfortable charging in with relationship advice. You, on the other hand, have a channel of communication with him, and know his girlfriend, and have the impulse to give him counsel, then yeah, lead that horse to water, why not.

lolmartini – sorry about what you’re going through. I offered some advice below to flicker on dealing with the pain of a breakup. The hard thing is that there is really no good advice in such a situation because there is nothing that can make the pain go away except time. You can stay busy, distract yourself with work/friends/movies/exercise/cooking, give yourself little goals to achieve and reward yourself when you do. Those things will probably help a little, as much as anything can help. With time things will gradually start to feel better, and then all of sudden you’ll realize that things actually are better. Totally better. He won’t always affect you the way he does now.
geekchick - I wouldn't get involved. His girlfriend won't thank you if he breaks up with her following your advice! And if he drains your energy and is full of bs, why bother hanging out with him?

lolamartini - Your doubt didn't cause him to leave, that was his choice. And there is nothing wrong with you for feeling this way - this is a normal (and sucky) part of healing and moving on. Read back through this thread for tips and empathy, and keep posting!

Thanks Persi and Like for the words...
convincing myself that it will work out is obviously detrimental
I just cant seem to get him out of my mind
I dont remember this being so hard
I made a decision to not talk to him about it, but to talk to him about it in a different way. He and I are a lot alike, and I've grown a lot since we broke up, but I don't feel like he has. When I talk to him, I'm going to talk about the changes I've made in my life, and how they worked out for me, and how it's inspired me to do more and to understand what I want, and how to go about getting it.

Because that's really the problem - he doesn't know what he wants, and he's lazy.

Ultimately anything that I could say to him regarding his relationship would end up sounding like sour grapes or jealousy. And, I'm not privy to the details of their relationship (at all.) If he ends up bringing the conversation around to her and them, then I'll be honest about what I think, while trying to keep my distance.
writing here seems pretty cathartic.. for the time being
I got a text message yesterday that said.. "Merry Christmas, please leave me alone for awhile".. so
I guess that made his feelings pretty clear. He doesnt want to talk anymore.. it just kills me not to hear his voice, not to share our days with each other, not to wake up next to each other....
He says it's too hard, but then when HE FEELS like it, he wants to email me and tell me he NEEDS to see me just one more time. I don't think that will do us any good, especially me..
I keep trying to remind myself that he was not ready for a serious relationship.. he wanted to be... he tried to be, but at 24 it just wasn't right for him..
Merry Christmas/ Happy Holidays to everyone..
I'm just feeling so alone this year
It is good to get it off your chest.... I had a 2+ year relationship end earlier this year and I've been seeing someone for the last few months but I still woke up this morning wondering what the ex was doing; he was such a creature of habit that I can be sure of certain things he does on holidays.... I don't want to see him or talk to him but he is sometimes still the first thought in my mind when I wake up.... guess it's just a habit I haven't quite broken.
My advice to you, based on my experience, is to take control of as much of the situation as you can... don't let him just call when he needs to if it is good for your needs. Be proactive rather than reactive to what he does....

good luck and enjoy the New Year!
So, I sent him what I thought was a lighthearted ecard from (this one) and he writes me back saying "Too soon...not cool. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with you when I get back" (he's on vacation)
What does he mean by 'dealing with me?'
i wrote him a tactful, sincere apology.
but yeah. ow.
oo, and I thought what I [unintentionally] wrote on his Facebook was bad, humanist!
I was duped by a Brand Management consultant! Oh girls, I feel I need to tell you about Gerald. Six months I've wasted on that man, six hideous months! Gerald is a writer, only well, he’s not a writer because he’s never written any books. In fact the only things Gerald writes are Bob Dylan song lyrics on his bedroom wall when he’s sad. Usually I would maintain silence, as with most things it speaks louder than words. It is far more dignified, but as you’ve probably guessed by now dignity and me are like chalk and cheese.

I am no pervert, but in order to write my recent collection of poems ‘Bloodsoaked Tampon et al’ (you can find info and excerpts on my blog) I needed to do some serious ‘investigating’. I wanted to trace my sexum-ego back to the roots of my sexuality. That is why I embarked upon an affair with the 17 year old Gerald. We dated for a few months, went to the cinema, Tate Modern, Pizza Hut that kind of thing. Condoms; you know. It only lasted for a few dates and, to be honest I didn’t care much for him, but I did manage to write some of the most breath taking poetry paper has ever known!

SO you can imagine my surprise when I yesterday discovered that Gerald is in fact 26 and works in brand management!

I KNOW. My work is wasted, all those poems are fake; just like him! So, I am now going to break him down to size, to un-craft the craftiness of his deception. And what a deception it was…Gerald is an extremely tall teenager. In fact I was seduced by his spotless skin. But the truth of the matter is that Gerald is NOT a teenager. I KNOW; this makes him duplicitous.

Gerald would often cut himself, that’s how we met actually; we would meet up in the Sainsbury’s car park in Islington and stab pins into our bellies. But I soon began to realise that Gerald really was a tortured person (he wasn’t doing in the name of ‘character research’ as I was). In fact he was almost obsessed with being tortured. This was probably what tricked me into assuming he was a teenager. (Come to think of it I never actually asked Gerald what he did. I mean I just assumed that with apersonality like THIS he had to be a teenage... Anyway that's not the point!)

Gerald would drink too much, take too may drugs and too many liberties with the people he was closest to. He would worship men who had fallen by the wayside, like Bret Easton Ellis and Jason Donovan, but these men were mavericks who managed to craft beautiful art from their suffering. I have a feeling he too thought he was maverick. But, unfortunately for Gerald, that just wasn’t the case.

Gerald decided to go and live in a warehouse (not the shop, a real factory warehouse, but it was smart and they paid rent and were all Oxbridge educated, how else could I have coped?) Come on Gerald! Anyone can take drugs and drink more, live in a shop and say bashful things in an askew attempt to be cutting; I personally use a razor. He thought he could achieve great things. But, unfortunately for Gerald, that just wasn’t the case.

You see the thing with torture ladies, is that it infers there is some kind of mystery and within mystery lies great, untapped potential. Someone is only tortured because they prevent themselves from reaching their full potential. BUT it turns out Gerald has no real potential at all! And do you want to know why, ladies? He would need incredible sensitivity. For a loser is not tortured, a shop assistant is not tortured, poets and artists are tortured. He seemed to assume he was one of the latter (a dreamer JUST LIKE A TEENAGER). But, unfortunately for Gerald, that just wasn’t the case.

He worked at Nickelodeon and had the sensitivity of dead processed fishfinger. He was astoundingly arrogant without any of the necessary intelligence to back it up. It was pitiful when he never relented in arguments, nor showed any curiosity in areas he didn’t understand, which were an awful lot of areas.

His obsession with seeming clever also materialised in his writing style, scrambling words so that it made no sense in the hope that people would assume their own stupidity had prevented them from understanding. But Gerald there is no excuse for bad grammar! He would also shout a lot and talk like a chaffinch on heat. He thought that I, Posie le Rider, might fall for it! But unfortunately for Gerald, that just wasn’t the case.


He was destructive and raucous, he demanded my constant attention, like a baby (once gain, the duplicity comes in here). All these things are unconscious of course. Gerald has no idea of them, but I have had too many cognitive therapy sessions not to understand all these signs. Gerald often thought me unaffectionate and bossy, but I would rather be a demon through and through than sport the gloss of concern as he does. The one small comfort I take with me is the knowledge that Gerald shall never be the great writer he dreams of being. Do you know why readers? One word: empathy.

A great writer breathes empathy; it’s her life-blood. It brings the world not only into her mind, but into her heart. A great writer needs a great heart filled with the complexities of fears unknown, loves unknown, pains unknown. She needs eyes that see more than people, ears that hear more than sounds and instincts that speak louder than thoughts.

Of course I too had to pretend to be 16. I bought glasses, wore leggings. But you cannot blame me for not being more than honest about my great writing ability. I am INDEED a talented author so I tell you this from experience: first and foremost a writer needs empathy. But unfortunately for Gerald, that just wasn’t the case.
Hi PosieRider! Welcome to the Lounge. Please stop by and introduce yourself in the 'For the Newbies' thread.
Dear Bridget Jones' Diary:

Today, I posted hackneyed and cliched relationship stories on a feminist website! I'm sure these smart women will empathize with my male woes; they've been there too, and know what it's like to cry in your manolos over such a troubled yet infinitely sexy companion. I'm so glad I have a blog where I can share (plug) my bland insight! Oh dear readers, you support me, but sometimes there has to be straight talk, you know, between girlfriends/people I've only interacted with in three posts. Perhaps later, I will go over to the Oral Sex thread, and really let you know the secret: there is no secret, silly girls! Round peg, round hole! Duh!

But a writer must write, so I am off, hopefully not to be distracted by that quirky male behavior.

QUOTE(crazyoldcatlady @ Jan 16 2009, 01:01 PM) *
Dear Bridget Jones' Diary:

Today, I posted hackneyed and cliched relationship stories on a feminist website! I'm sure these smart women will empathize with my male woes; they've been there too, and know what it's like to cry in your manolos over such a troubled yet infinitely sexy companion. I'm so glad I have a blog where I can share (plug) my bland insight! Oh dear readers, you support me, but sometimes there has to be straight talk, you know, between girlfriends/people I've only interacted with in three posts. Perhaps later, I will go over to the Oral Sex thread, and really let you know the secret: there is no secret, silly girls! Round peg, round hole! Duh!

But a writer must write, so I am off, hopefully not to be distracted by that quirky male behavior.


Well stated COCL! I noticed that too.
COCL, did I tell you how much I love you.

Dear Diary,




I totally wish I could make my o's as smiley's, wait let me try that again.

Dear Diary,

C smile.gif CL RAWKS!

L smile.gif ve,

QUOTE(PosieRider @ Jan 16 2009, 01:13 PM) *
He was astoundingly arrogant without any of the necessary intelligence to back it up.

You don't say...
I've been single for 16 days now and today was the first time me and my former mister got together. I knew he had an appointment today at the Cancer Institute so I wanted to check-in on him to see if there had been any changes. (Yes, I did break-up with my man of 3 years who was diagnosed with stage-3 cancer less than a year ago. I am the devil. ) He suggested lunch and I agreed. We went out and it was really nice and I began to wish that we could just be friends 'cause that would be awesome! Except that he thinks and hopes that we will still have a future together. We most likely won't. So, I had to say that if he still thinks that we should be back together than we probably shouldn't be hanging out because I don't want to give any false signals. But, I still want to be there for him. Ugh. This blows chunks and now I'm in a funk. Like a bad cheese funk. I also want to play his xbox and see our kitties. Efff.
My heart just physically hurts. I've never ever ever felt so much pain. I really want to just die. When I'm not around him I'm just okay but when I see him I want to be in his arms. We have to do this for a few months. How will I ever get over him. I can't. I CAN'T. I don't want anyone else. I really don't. I love him. I love him so much. I don't understand. I guess we are broken up. I'm so exhausted but I can't sleep I'm not hungry but I can't stop eating. I cry out of no where. I hate him but love him. I want to fly into his arms and I want him to hold me and tell me everything his going to be okay. I want him to tell me he loves me and will forever and wants me and only me. I hate this. I HATE THIS.





I'll never trust another man again. I won't ever let this happen to me again.
Could you maybe stay someplace else for a little while? Maybe with a close family member or friend? Even if you just go there for a couple of days, it may help you to catch your breath.
(((((((((((((endless love for LMP)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((LMP))))))))) I'm so sorry, sweetie. I came here to post about my woes as my boyfriend and I broke up tonight, but I feel like they pale in comparison to yours, because your relationship is so much longer and deeper than mine ever was. Please take care of yourself. Know that there's someone else out there who's suffering, too, and we'll make it through together.
oh, pugs! (((((((((((((pugs))))))))))))))) i had officially dropped off the face of planet bust, and am just in for a second, but had to give you some love here... i certainly remember all your posts about mr pugs and how in love you two were (and still are, i know). i hope that your pain heals, in time.
So last night it was over. I'm still in the shock stage where I'm going through periods of numbness and then sadness and then anger. He's never been in love with me, which I knew the whole time, but he always said that he was still in love with his ex and that would be the only person he'd ever love like that. So I was willing to accept his feelings for me, but I still held out some secret hope that maybe someday he would love me, too. I realize this now. At the time I wouldn't allow myself to think it. We had an open relationship, and he has been seeing this one girl for a few months. I haven't felt comfortable with it for a while, but I was trying to cope and deal with the jealousy and address my own insecurities. But something just kept telling me that there was something else going on, something I didn't know. He kept saying that he wanted to be with me and that I was his number one, but it just didn't feel right. So he finally admitted to me last night that he is in love with her. He says that it came as a surprise to him and that he had truly thought he couldn't love anyone else. He says he wants his and my relationship to continue, because it's the most stable relationship he's ever been in, and he wants to follow his head rather than his heart. But I just can't deal with the pain that this has caused me and is still causing me. I can't deal with the idea that he would continue to see her and that they would have these feelings for each other and that I would be left with his feelings towards me which he describes as love like a friendship. I've been with him this long from him following his head, and it wears on me after a while. I wanted it to be enough, but I see now that it's not. There are other problems between us that have already made me seriously consider breaking up with him at times. I just don't want to do it anymore. His feelings for me have been enough at times when we've been very close and been getting along well, but ever since he's been seeing this other woman, we've been distant, I'm constantly upset and on edge, and there's hardly anything left. But of course I doubt myself and feel incredibly sad and wonder if I'm making a mistake. I guess that's always the way breakups are. We have two dogs, and I don't know what we're going to do with them. He says he can't imagine splitting them up, but I don't see any other way. We can't do some kind of shared custody thing. Neither one of us wants the other to take both dogs. What else is there to do? And then how do we decide which dog goes with whom? It makes me cry to think of losing either one of them. It makes me cry to think of losing him. I've been through bad breakups before, and I know I can get through this, but the pain right now is overwhelming. I want to talk to him and hug him, but I'm afraid I'll let him talk me into something I don't truly want. I'm going out of town all day today, and I told him to start moving his stuff out immediately. I'm taking comfort in the fact that everyone else has made it through these things, and that I will come out of it eventually. As one of my co-workers said, she was a hollow shell for 6 months, and then one morning she woke up, and the weight was lifted. I can do this I can do this I can do this.
(((((((( dayglowpink and LMP ))))))))

dayglowpink, that's really shitty. And as he's already got another girl, you should definitely get both dogs.
dayglowpink - we have two dogs too. i'm keeping them.

i'm drinking myself stupid tonight and going to bed as soon as i walk in the door. he left this morning for work. no kiss, no hug not even a goodbye. i cried in the shower. i'm crying right now. buckets and buckets of tears. my heart hurts so badly. how do little old people get past loosing their husband or wife. how can their bodies handle it. how will i get through the day today without crying at work. i have the darkest bags under my eyes. i'm going to move away when this is over. i'm going to find a job someplace far away and move away. i'll just die when he finds someone else. i won't be able to make it. i won't.
ich pugs, you are assuming there is nothing left for you. like there is no life out there waiting for you-- but there is. there is a life that has been waiting for you all these years. all those things you've been curious about are waiting for you to explore them... they are waiting for you to fall in love with them, to be passionate about them, to let them take you down new roads, to show you new experiences that you've been too tied into your relationship to see.

and you are talking like there is no one out there who will love you. you'll die when he finds someone new? really? so they can sit and watch him play video games all night and ignore them? tch. you can do without that, and all of the other things that made mr.pugs mr. wrong. just die when he finds someone else? are you kidding? you were saying a week ago that you knew you would not just survive but thrive. where is that girl? where is that brave, smart, big hearted pugs that i adore? i know she's in there....

what if you find someone? someone who wants to worship with you, but is kinky in a way that suits you just fine. what if you find someone who feeds your soul, and builds you up?

i'm sorry pugs, you are having a hard time and i get that, but FUCK looking at him as if he is the gold standard. i know you don't want to hear it, but i wont let you pretend that things were good with him. you are breaking up for a good reason. for several good reasons. and you need to STOP looking at him and thinking about what he's got and look at what you've got-- and that is a bright, exciting future. you're graduating soon, and the things in front of you are full of promise.
Oh pugs, I am sorry you are hurting so badly right now. I know that heart ache and I know how hard you tried to make it work. I know the sense of loss and failure you feel...

But the truth is this: It gets easier and it gets better. Nobody failed here. Nobody is "bad" or defective.

Please take tender care of yourself. Cry.

dayglowpink: from what you have described, and I don't want to sound mean, but I am so glad that you are not with that man anymore. Any man that will dangle his feelings for another woman in front of you, like some prize you have to work for, to knock her out of first place, is a real shit.

Nobody deserves to be treated like that... and this:
He says he wants his and my relationship to continue, because it's the most stable relationship he's ever been in, and he wants to follow his head rather than his heart.

What a horrible, using, mean, mean, mean, human being.

Take the dogs and kick his selfish ass to the curb.... Also, don't forget to remind him that he lost you and the other woman he loves because he doesn't deserve the love of any woman, and that he is a rat.
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