Mar 5 2008, 06:06 AM
sandee, you said it yourself... you're not missing him, you're missing someone. and it's a phase. of course you will meet and love someone else! so hang in there.
i know i'm being selfish, wanting my ex to be miserable for the rest of his life because he screwed up so badly with me. my friend says its because of this he knows he better do right this time. it's like he gets a do-over. again, rationally, good for him, and good for me, because i love my mr.nick. but my unreasonable self quotes meg ryan in 'when harry met sally' - it's not that he didn't want to get married.. it's just that he didn't want to marry meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Mar 5 2008, 12:06 PM
Deleting the phone numbers was a HUGE step for me. I only managed it a month and a half after ex and I broke up. I kept telling myself it would be better if he called me and I knew it was him....
Yeah, I totally thought I would never meet anyone ever again, and die in my apartment and get eaten by my cats.
Now I'm dating 3 guys at once! Hope springs eternal.
Mar 6 2008, 10:11 AM
Thank you Nickclick and Fuzzz Brain... I am doing better... I just have to think about why I left him in the first place.
There are too many men out there to cry about one that's not even worth it.
The numbers are deleted and things are looking up.
Mar 20 2008, 01:43 PM
ugh...i just have no idea how to even do this. i dated one of the most interesting, intelligent and all-around amazing people i have ever met for the past two months. yes, we argued quite a bit, for some reason. we both just have a lot going on in our lives and it was really getting to him, apparently. so, on saturday he broke it off. and immediately began spending tons of time with a girl who i thought was a mutual friend. this girl has hopped from guy to guy in our little town, but i thought she would have more respect for our friendship than to do this. i'm devestated. it doesn't help that she lives right nearby on a main road, so i get to see his car parked in her driveway. i honestly feel sick from heartbreak.
Mar 20 2008, 07:40 PM
(((adnarim))) so sorry, but just like feeling sick from anything, you'll soon recover. and think rationally (i know it's hard, and it actually feels better to wallow for a while).... she's a friend you don't need. and he must have been lying about too much going on to be with you, but he has time to spend with someone else? good riddance, liar!
Mar 21 2008, 09:22 PM
Damn and BLAST.
For those of you tuned in remember my ex from around January? The one who left because of a hurricane of love?
Well I sent him an e-mail yesterday, informing him that my last pap had come back a-typical, and the doc is thinking it's HPV. I HAD to tell him this because he's my ONLY unprotected sex partner, and my paps started being a-typical around three months after we started having sex. I also asked him about the under the table dental work he had done, since my new honey needs something similar.
Since there's no REAL test if men have HPV, I tried to be nice and just let him know, without pointing and screaming, "YOU BASTARD, NOW I'M GOING TO DIE OF CERVICAL CANCER!"
He called me within an hour to apologize, and then demonstrated his EXTREME ignorance about HPV by insisting constantly that his last test was clean. And then...randomly...
"So you cut your hair, didn't you."
"I'm sorry. I mean, sorry that's my reaction."
"Whatever. Wait, how did you know that?"
"Well...you have a new picture up online. And I uhhh saw you at Brooklyn Pizza a few days ago."
"You were with someone, so I didn't want to bother you."
"So..is he the one that needs the dental info?"
He then blabbered on about the dental work, and then awkwardly said, "Or your friend could...call me to talk."
And then closed with "Talk to you later."
Mar 27 2008, 10:56 AM
Aww, Fuzzz_brain... I am so sorry that you have to deal with that because of a jerk.... (((((Big Hug)))))If you guys remember at the beginning of the month I wrote that I had deleted all of M's numbers and was trying to move on with my life. Well, I forgot that he didn't delete mine and he called me last night to say that he was coming into town and tha the wanted to see me... Ugh!!! I really thought I was better...hmmm, that's not the right work, I felt like I was a stronger person. I thought I could talk to him and then let it go... no.... No, I feel all heart broken all over again.
Mar 27 2008, 07:27 PM
sandee, are you going to see him? you don't have to.
Mar 28 2008, 10:57 AM
I'm not going to... I have to be strong... I was already getting back to normal... or what feels normal to me.
This would just take me backwards and I really don't need that in my life right now.
Mar 28 2008, 10:57 AM
I'm not going to... I have to be strong... I was already getting back to normal... or what feels normal to me.
This would just take me backwards and I really don't need that in my life right now.
Mar 28 2008, 02:12 PM
good job! see, you are a stronger person!
Mar 31 2008, 02:19 PM
Worst. Breakup. Ever.
It's completely my fault, of course. Months and months and months ago, I came to this forum looking for advice about my last
breakup with the exact same
guy. I was getting ready to move on, and then he wanted me back again. So I obliged. To my surprise, things were fine ... Basically from September up until February, everything was great. And now I'm back again, and this is the THIRD time he's broken up with me. It feels somewhat like he's stuck my heart in a garbage disposal. And the worst part is, I still don't believe it's over. Even though he doesn't love me and all we ever do is fight, it will never feel like it's over. I will always expect him to come looking for me again, because that's the way it's always gone down in the past. I'm always going to be waiting for him to want me back.
I don't even want to "get over" him. He was my best friend.
I'm the one who messed this up. Now I have to stew in it.
Apr 6 2008, 01:44 AM
Hey, I'm a newbie here! I posted also in the Abortion section, but I wanted to ask here about the relationship aspect of my problem.
For a long time I was in a toxic relationship. We could never communicate well and were very passive aggressive in hurting each other. I like to talk things out, he would shut down at the first sign of conflict. Rather than tell me when/why something I did bothered him, he would take it out on me in subtle ways.
We broke up. And got back together. And broke up but slept together for months afterwards. Finally, made a clean break. Or not.
From a one night stand we had I am pregnant. I haven't been able to reach a decision I can live with; he wants me to have an abortion. And, if I do not, the baby is his.
We finally had it out on the phone yesterday. He said he hates me, I have no place in his life, and he never wants to see me again. He even deleted me from Facebook. I think this is for the best, as all he did was abuse me. However, we are part of something together and it is unrealistic to think we will never see each other or talk again.
How can I deal with an abusive narcissist while protecting myself? And do I owe it to him?
Apr 6 2008, 01:44 AM
Typewriter, me and my ex were on again and off again forever too. I think we got addicted to the cycle and each other. The only advice I can give is that after some time and distance, it will be oh so clear why things didn't work, and likely never will. Not easy tho. Don't blame yourself for the end of a relationship that was broken to begin with. And good luck!
Apr 6 2008, 06:24 PM
Wow, that's a lot for you to handle. If I had gotten pregnant on one of the many "one-night-stands" I had with this guy, I'd likely be in the same situation. One minute we're broken up and he hates me, the next minute we can't keep our hands off eachother. I did have a pregnancy scare once, just after we'd broken up in August. I was afraid to tell him because I thought he'd leave town. I was lucky that it was a false alarm. I didn't want to raise a kid from a relationship that was so inconsistent. And I guess since that's the case, the big picture here is that I don't have a real future with this guy. It appears that you can relate.
I wish there was some more advice or wisdom I could offer you. I can be here for support, though, at the very least. BUSTies are very helpful in times of need. Welcome, and best of luck with everything. Keep us posted.
Apr 6 2008, 07:40 PM
Moved to the appropriate thread . . .
Apr 28 2008, 05:40 PM
New and needing some help, but first of all, I have spent a lot of time reading this entire thread and you guys are amazing. Nickclick, you sound amazing. Jami, congratulations on everything, you freaking earned it.
One thing stuck out at me, Fuzzbrain - I am currently dealing with the HPV given by the ex. I know there's another thread for that but let me just say I feel for you and I can understand how difficult it can be.
So speaking of the ex, I'm fresh in the break-up. I left the house on April 8th and have only seen him four times since then, and none of those times involved sex (Excellent for me). We lived together for two years in a rented house, then in a house that he bought (I found it, researched it, made him check it out etc.) so it was extremely difficult to leave the house that I had made a home for the two of us. I always thought moving in with somebody meant something special, and it took two years to find out that he disagreed. It's been as amicable as it could be, but I'm still very much hurting.
We have been talking throughout this, only one "let's get back together" attempt that was shot down pretty quickly by the both of us. We've been e-mailing and are being honest about our emotions and the process we're both going through. We support each other and freely admit that while we still love each other, the split is for the better.
Here's my issue: His behavior, specifically related to alcohol, was a huge part of my decision to leave. He was never abusive or anything like that, he's what everyone refers to as "a good drunk" but he still went out too often for my taste. Like four times a week, until 3am or later. I just hated waiting at home for him, only to have him burst into bed and expect drunk sex (never fun). In all of this I thought that it was just me, that I was more of a home body and that his drinking and lifestyle were just a personality clash. Post breakup, I'm thinking it might be more.
I have many friends that are his friends, and in our discussions I'm finding out that he's phasing them out of his life as well and that they are concerned about his chosen path, so to speak. He's hanging with a more heavy drinking crowd. Substance abuse is something the ex's brother had to deal with and lately many of our mutual friends are seeing many similarities between their behavior.
My question is this: Do I have any reason to write him to voice my concern about what he does? It's not to have some kind of intervention or anything like that but maybe a "Hey, you might want to examine this part of yourself" thing. We've been very open about what we think the other might need, but I'm wondering if bringing his drinking into question after the fact is a good idea. During our time together, that was what we always fought about, over and over, always the same fight.
Apr 29 2008, 05:08 PM
Cat, maybe you should examine your reasons for bringing up the heavy drinking. If it's something that you have fought about before though, perhaps you should let him figure out the alcohol thing on his own.
In other news, my boyfriend and I broke up. We bought a house together last year and it's hard on both of us right now. He was asking me what I thought was so great about the single life and I listed "not having to call when I'm going to be late" and he said that it sounds like I'm not emotionally ready for someone to care about me. It was a weird statement and I'm still thinking about that.
The good news is I think we'll be able to stay friends.
May 1 2008, 09:52 AM
Yeah I think I'm going to just let it go, as I am a mix of not sure and not proud of my reasons behind it. It's hard to admit, but I think I want to be "right" about something one last time. Not good.
Zora - I'm glad that you guys will remain friends, kudos on that. Sometimes I think that's the hardest part.
I'm starting to have more good days than bad days. The hardest part is my commute to and from work, I have to pass by his (our old) house each time. I've taken to just turning up the radio and forcing myself not to look, but it's extremely difficult. 5pm is also hard, because it hits me like a ton of bricks everyday that I'm not going home to the place I called home for 2 years.
I'm going over there today while he's at work to visit my cat. I've been missing him something fierce as well.
May 5 2008, 09:23 AM
I thought I was stronger than this... Since I have been away from the lounge I began talking to M again. Yes, again.
He came down to see me and everything was amazing.
He was then supposed to come down this weekend and he didn't come down nor did he even call... I know that I have said this before, but I am done.
Another thing that I am dealing with is that I may be pregnant.
If I am I'm not sure I will even tell him.
My heart is in pieces once again
May 8 2008, 12:41 PM
The whole M thing is more than I can take
May 8 2008, 02:06 PM
Cripes. Sometimes relationships are like the fuckin' mafia. Just when you think you're legit, they suck you back in for the proverbial "one last job".
I somehow let asshat back into my life & now he's fucking with my head, so I can sympathize, SS. He wants me visit so we can ostensibly "hang out".
Why does this fool turn my head so?
May 21 2008, 01:38 PM
Ohhh boy. I am new to this thread, but I can sure as hell relate to it.
I am on an emotional rollercoaster at the moment...
I've been with my boyfriend for one year. Yesterday was the one-year anniversary. And I realize...I do not love him anymore.
It's a horrible thing to contemplate.
Before he and I got together, I had just broken up with another boyfriend of 5 years. So...it might have been a slight rebound with the current guy.
But I know that I used to love him.
I just don't anymore. I'm fond, and I still desire him physically, but I'm not in love.
I keep wishing that I was single again.
We don't live together, thank goodness. However, most of my friends are also his friends, so a permanent break-up would be awkward.
I have tried to end things several times. Yet I know that there is no "try", only "do". And I have not done it for real yet.
We had a mini trial-separation thing last week, which failed and ended early because I missed him and started panicking about losing him totally.
He keeps saying he loves me so much and that I'm the girl for him. He had literally begged me not to end things...
I can't figure out if I'm just in a bad mood lately, or if I really need to part ways with him. It's ironic, since I fell in love with him so hard a year ago. But now, being with him causes me anxiety more than anything else. I am at a place in my life where I feel the need to be solo and focused on my own thing. I'm 27 and I realize that I do not want children or marriage. I crave some autonomy, but I don't want to lose the friends he and I share...I am scared that they would hate me for breaking his heart.
I just needed to get this off my chest.
May 27 2008, 02:22 PM
I just wanted to reply to my previous post:
I realize I DO love him...but I have issues I need to work on.
May 28 2008, 10:43 AM
I haven't talked to M in 3 weeks and I'm pregnant... He knows I thought I might be; he just hasn't cared to call and see how I am
May 28 2008, 11:18 AM
Crap, Sandee. I really wish I had something to say other than that. I know you've been struggling with the M situation for a while now. You didn't go to Colorado, you broke up, you hooked up, etc. There are going to be a lot of tough choices ahead. You're gonna be okay, though. We'll hold your hand if need be. You've been here long enough to know that we will support you in any way we can.
May 28 2008, 11:58 AM
Thank you, that really means a lot to me. A lot of times it seems like no one understands and I come here and I actually start to feel like I am not alone.
May 28 2008, 08:05 PM
(((sandee))) *sending strength and power vibes your way~~~~~~~~~~~*
I've been lurking too and from what I remember from your posts about M, I'll tell you what... that M sounds like he went into jerk mode... i was kinda silently rooting for him and i thought that maybe you had jumped the gun... but obviously your guts were right on. Stay strong, they say everything happens for a reason.
May 29 2008, 07:50 AM
Thank you... I felt like I had judged him to fast, but now I know I should have gone with my gut instinct.
I am happy that I am having a baby, but not so happy that my baby is going to grow up with out a father. I am moving on. I know that one day he will come back and want to see the baby, but I have to be strong and do what's best.
Thank you for all the support.... hugs to all
May 29 2008, 08:26 AM
i second nelly and all the others, trust your gut and stay strong. this baby will have an excellent mother and that's what counts.
Jun 3 2008, 12:34 PM
sexysandee: i'm sure many of us can relate to the on-again-off-again type of relationship. i sure as heck know i can. i'm sorry that he's not being responsible with you and your unborn child. keep focused on you and what you need to do for you both.. i know you'll be able to pull through. maybe down the road he'll realize what a jerk he's been and offer some sort of support. but if not, take his a$$ to court.
so beau and i are done. :/ we began dating in october of last year. he cared a lot about me, and i did him. but lately my feelings have been growing stronger, and of course he backed away. so predictable i wonder sometimes if i create that dynamic with my expectations alone. ah well. i didnt see long term for us anyway, i'm just sad i wont have that intimate connection with him anymore. i really value his insight and outlook on life, but i need to focus on me anyway. relationships can become such a distraction.
Jun 4 2008, 08:45 AM
Loonlake, when your shared friends see you and your bf as separate units you can still be friends after the breakup, right? I know a breakup can cause weirdness among shared friends, i'm in the same boat. But because we've all been friends for so long i don't think there's a problem. I don't know your exact situation, but maybe it's a little less hard than you think. Best of luck with whatever you decide.
I've never been in this thread before; my handle is a new one i created because my ex knows my former one. Yes, that's right, we broke up after a 9 year relationship. We lived together for 6 years.
If someone told me last year around this time (tomorrow's my birthday) that i'd be single and living alone, i'd never believed them. But there's been this dynamic that's been going on for..i think longer than we're both willing to acknowledge. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. My head hurts just thinking about it (so many angles to consider); we've become an institutio as a couple, with shared friends and all that. He lives 2 hours away, that gives us both some space.
But i feel fine. I've never been single. My first relationship(starting at 14) lasted 8 years, and i fell into this one right after breaking up with my first ex. I think i need this. I need casual sex. New friends, in addition to the ones i already have. I dunno, at first we talked about a hiatus, let things cool; but then i needed a clean break. My ex is a great guy, but also very demanding and very tiring. We weren't a team in the end, we fought against eachother.
Oh, fyi my former screenname was Sonik.
I'll stop now 'cos i have the feeling i'm rambling.
Jun 4 2008, 10:57 AM
Sandee, take care and stay strong -- for yourself and your little one. It's important to stay positive and see the better side of life. I don't know your history with this Mguy but from what I read it sounds to me like he just threw you out of the car and doesn't intend to go into reverse. My advice is to 'faggetabouthim' as my friends say
. He is obviously not worth your heart or your time. Though you have a child together he doesn't want to be in the picture for now I guess. Give him time but don't get your hopes up.
I hope thats pretty accurate for your situation
p.s futura those are some really long relationships, i'm amazed!
Jul 2 2008, 05:45 AM
o no wait. NOW beau and i are done. he "wasnt sure" before, now there's no question in his mind. i was rather aggravated with him after he went back on his initial decision, telling him i'm not ok with him dictating the tone of our relationship. but i dont feel too strongly about us one way or the other, so i was like, whatever. then just last night he told me under no uncertain terms that i am not who he wants to date. whoa. big blow to the old shaky self-esteem there. i'm dealing just fine tho, truth be told, the sex wasnt the greatest, and that's pretty darn important to me...soo.
futura: I've never been in this thread before; my handle is a new one i created because my ex knows my former one. Yes, that's right, we broke up after a 9 year relationship. We lived together for 6 years.
welcome back to bust under your new handle. i would have to agree with you in the approach post-relationship you are about to venture on. although a long-term relationship is -or can be- a wonderful thing, i think it can also become safe and a bit too comfortable.. which can lead to complacency..which isnt a bad thing necessarily.. but it does tend to hinder one's personal growth and development. so good for you, to be single, and to be able to get back to you and explore rocks previously unturned. x.
Jul 6 2008, 02:01 PM
*makes transition from general/committed/LDR threads*
I know it was for the best and the last week's proved that by being great...but I wish it hadn't happened in such a hurtful way. I'm way too naive it would seem and got completely duped. Also gutted about wasting almost three years being used like a fool and getting bullied into thinking everything was my fault. Other than that the beat goes on.
Jul 7 2008, 12:34 PM
QUOTE(starship @ Jul 6 2008, 04:18 PM)
Also gutted about wasting almost three years being used like a fool and getting bullied into thinking everything was my fault.
It's tough, but I try to live my life without any regret. Hindsight is better than 20/20 and I always try to remember that whatever choice I have made were the right ones to make because they were the ones I made. Learn what you can, and if you feel you made a mistake - try not to make it again.
You couldn't have made any other choices except the ones you did. Rejoice in the fact that it was only three years and not 30.
Jul 7 2008, 05:14 PM
geekchick you pop up all over the show with great advice:)
I learnt a lot and am a completely different person than I was 3 years ago. Or even 3 months ago. The relationship had been rubbish for ages anyway- on the one side my love for him & his complete manipulation of me, and on the other my instincts deep down telling me it wasnt right. I'll know next time to trust myself more.
He tried ringing me again (which I ignored) then he sent a text saying it's over blahblah. Ha, tell me something I don't know, or better still something I could actually give a damn about:/. I hate to be a bitch but he really doesnt deserve explanations or civility from me. gah
(((busties on the move)))
Jul 8 2008, 08:03 AM
QUOTE(starship @ Jul 7 2008, 07:31 PM)
geekchick you pop up all over the show with great advice:)
aw shucks, thanks!
I was there myself not too long ago. You'll get through. One day something just clicked inside me, and it was like "Huh. I'm not angry anymore. Well alright!"
Jul 8 2008, 09:25 PM
so, this thread appealed to me because of its likeness to a cow mooing.
but seriously - why do i keep thinking about n?
recently, n wrote me several e-mails. in one of them, n expressed n's love and missing of me. we broke off on the cusp of december into january. i wrote back to n with a kind note (a "how would i want to be treated/responded to if i wrote to xyz person with said feelings expressed?"), stating that i didn't keep in touch with past lovers, and that i wasn't the best person to talk with about n's feelings.
i keep wanting to write to n, but also feel utterly disgusted by/ ambivalent about / unsure of my past experiences with, and feelings evoked by, n. i don't think i ever really felt comfortable around n. i'm trying to remember how my body felt around n.
it's been a long time since somebody's told me they love me. i appreciate that n wrote that n is in love with me, but that confuses me. what does n love about me? how does n define love?
i was only really with n for maybe a month if that.
okay, going to sleep now.
Jul 17 2008, 12:17 PM
I've met this new guy. It's only been a few weeks so I'm not really over the train crash that was my last relationship. I'm over him, just not over the relationship (it was almost 3years) or how he treated me. I don't want another 'proper' relationship right now but I get along well with this guy and want to enjoy myself and get my confidence back.
The trouble is that my ex has made me paranoid and I find myself questioning everything the new guy says- wondering if he's lying to me and thinking he has alterior motives. My ex manipulated me by lying about some pretty terrible things (e.g his mother had a brain tumour, was going through chemotherapy with only months to live) and it's completely fucked up my trust in people.
I barely even know the new guy and it's nowhere close to serious (no feelings invoved etc) so why am I having these thoughts. I'm angry that despite being out of my life my bastard ex is still having such a negative impact on it. Is it too soon to be dating or will it do me good in the long run? It was my first proper relationship and so the first time Ive had to deal with one ending.
I want to be back to normal and back to my old, happier self. It feels like he's still controlling me. I don't usually condone violence but I'd actually kill the vile pig if I saw him again. Ok not kill, but at least rough him up a little.
I'm angry at myself for letting something with a penis fuck me up like this. argh
Jul 27 2008, 09:46 AM
I went through something similar, starship. Just ended a 5 year relationship with a guy who totally manipulated me and telling me all kinds of lies along the way. Of course, that is what you see when it's all over and done with: in retrospect. The way the relationship ended was especially mind blowing for me. He kept on telling me he was in love with me and was crazy about me but somehow couldn't be with me anymore because I gave him the feeling he never could do anything right. Jee... maybe because you are staying out till 10 in the morning with no explanation where you were after all the clubs and bars closed?! Even now I am not quite sure what happened to us and why our relationship didn't work out in the end. I guess it was slowly breaking down during the last year. He couldn't take family life (we have a son who is almost 2) and that was getting more clear to me. I just had other expectations of him and he probably of me as well.
He also damaged the trust I have in people, but I know now that the inner feeling I had of something not being quite right was spot on. I realize now that I must trust my own feeling and not be such an optimist, thinking that he's great and my feeling is just misplaced paranoia or fear.
I am glad the relationship is over and that I don't have to deal with all the lies and bs anymore. I have my peace now and can concentrate on myself and my gorgeous son.
Jul 27 2008, 12:52 PM
Im feeling better now too. Being away from him I can finally gather my thoughts and see things with a clear mind. and youre right, its all so much easier to see with hindsight. I feel like kicking myself for being so stupid but there's no point dwelling on the past. At least I learnt plenty from it. I hope things go ok for you. It must be a lot more complicated with a child involved so it's good to hear youre so positive:)
He left me a message yesterday saying how sorry he was and he loved me and I deserve to be happy etc. Too little too late. And I do deserve to be happy, which is exactly why I wont be replying to his message- not now or ever. I can't even salvage a friendship from the mess he created. That's a shame really, but I'm not to blame.
I feel inwardly devastated about how the relationship ended but on the whole feel so much better now I'm out on my own
Jul 27 2008, 04:20 PM
Sometimes I also have the feeling of kicking myself for believing the lies and ignoring my own feeling. But I realize that I needed this experience to teach me some things. No pain no gain I guess.
I'm glad you feel better being on your own, starship. That is the most important thing and shows you that this is the right decision. Choosing not to have any contact with him is probably the best thing to do. I also can't "be friends" with my ex, since he can't be trusted and every word that comes out of his mouth could be a lie. In my previous post I didn't even mention he is already sleeping with his collegue and I know for a fact he has been during the last week of our relationship. I had a weird feeling, things were getting more and more messed up and I asked him (multiple times) whether there was somebody else and he - of course - denied it. Afterwards when I had evidence and confronted him, he even tried denying it. That just blew my mind and I couldn't believe that he was such an *you know what*. This made me realize I couldn't even have a friendship with this man because he is just so dishonest and has no respect for me. How can you have a friendship with someone whom you cannot trust one bit and who only tells you things to create a certain picture and present what he wants you to see?
Aftwards he told me had didn't have a relationship with her but it was "just for sex". ha ha
Are you kidding me, is that supposed to make me feel better??? This is just too cheap for my taste and I can't believe I actually shared my life with such a sleeze bag. The big lesson I have learned from all of this that I am going to pay attention to WHAT A PERSON DOES and not to what a person says. Talk is cheap.
Because all of this just happened a month ago I still think about it a lot and just take it a day at a time. I do feel better without him but am at times still very angry. I realize I have to let go of the anger but am not sure how to get rid of this.
Jul 27 2008, 05:26 PM
wow, your story sounds almost parallel to mine. as do the lessons you have learnt ("talk is cheap"-couldnt have said it better myself!)
It was just over a month ago for me too so obviously the feelings are still raw. but deep down I know I've made the right choice and will be better off in the long run which makes it a hell of a lot easier. I would of liked to have been friends with him- after all those years we knew each other pretty well. But theres no way I could ever justify choosing to have a friend like that in my life. if he screwed me over that much when we were in a 'relationship' and he loved me, then god knows what he'd do if I were merely a friend. it isnt hard to see who lost out in the end:)
Im still angry too. that someone i trusted and loved so much could do that. about the way it happened. about specific incidents. and angry at myself for being so stoopid and getting him so wrong. I'm pretty sure all that will go with time. I wallowed about for 2days straight (cant eat cant sleep kinda thing) before literally forcing myself to get out and get on with things. Ive been doing that ever since and it seems to be working
Roll on singledom...
i see eleven
Aug 5 2008, 05:23 PM
I too have a story that's very similar. i'm still married to a guy who told me that he betrayed me by feeling up a co-worker the same day he did it. he told me 4 months after our son was born. i should have left him that day. i have many reasons why i didn't but i still find my self wishing i would have divorced him. we moved away from that city where it happened to the city where my family was/where i grew up. i almost divorced him for the second time about 10 months ago after we had separated for 3 months but i think i would rather live with him and endure till my son is of age/18 so i don't have to deal with all that comes with ex's and step parents, visitations, and the many other things to deal with that arent pretty. i'd rather put on a happy face for my son so he can live with both his parents who do love him. and i'm not ready to live as a single mother. am i just scared and have a lack of faith that God will take care of me? probably.
i realize that i'm lucky that atleast he told me instead of lying to me about it and i didn't have to find out. however i did have the women intuition that you all had that something was going on before it happened. i started fallilng out of love with him a bout a year after we were married. (he cheated on me a month before our 2nd anniversary)
after this all hit the fan in october of 06 it slowly came out of the wood work that my husband has been addicted to pornography since he was in grade school. and apparently he didn't realize he really had a problem. so when this situation presented itself at work he took the opportunity to see how other boobies felt. i should have known better than to marry him. he had a past that for the most part i was aware of but i thought it was all taken care of and in the past.
the day he proposed to me i tried to talk him out of it but he really wanted to marry me i guess. deep inside my self was a voice that was screaming "SAY NO, SAY NO" i really wanted to but it was in a public place and i couldn't and i never did after it cuz i didn't want to break his heart. that's where i hate myself. for not listening to me, for not being true to me. for not caring enough about what my heart wants. so by not breaking his heart i really broke my own heart. and in so doing, i'm probably going to break my little boys heart. i feel like i'm in a total night mare. how could my life have come to this. let me wake up and start all over.
...starship, so we have this in common too!
(sorry but grateful)
Aug 5 2008, 06:02 PM
I don't feel in a position to tell you what you could do as I haven't been married or had children yet myself. I've experienced divorce from the other side though and can tell you that any decision which you take, your son will be just fine. Children don't like the change at first but they are amazingly quick to adjust so long as they are made to feel secure. My mother was 200miles from home and had nothing of her own /no money so we ended up virtually homeless and living on people's floors for 2years when she finally took the step to leave my father. Even so it felt better than walking home from school every night worrying about what the atmosphere would be like when I got home today. My mother was happier so I felt better too. You sound deeply unhappy and I'd say that would be far worse for you son than having two separate but happy parents. Be strong and do what you think is right deep down. if you don't the negative feelings and resentment will only get worse. It's hard at first but things will work out for you and get better if you decided to leave.
good luck whatever you decide to do:)
I've had a crappy day and spent half of it crying. When I got home there were emails from my ex. followed by texts, messages etc. All basically apologising, asking how I am, saying he misses me etc etc. It's made me feel really weird and completely depressed but I can't quite put my finger on why. Oh and the best one 'I had lying isues.I know it doesnt justify how I treated you but I never cheated on you'. YES YOU FUCKING DID. why he still bothers to lie is beyond me. I'm not replying. I still want him out of my life.
"It's shit without you"- damn right it is you fool.
Aug 9 2008, 02:43 PM
No one can tell you what to do, you know what is best for you. If you have children many things change and I guess you think about it twice before you decide to leave your spouse. I broke up with my boyfriend about 6 weeks ago and we have a son together (21 months old). My son is taking the seperation really well and I even believe he's doing better now than before when my ex was still living with us.
I believe that children have a strong intuition and even when we adults think that "they don't know what's going on", they actually do without us having to tell them. I decided that it wasn't good to have my son grow up in a house with a lot of tension (and resentment). I also thought that my ex was not a good example for my son - for several reasons - and that it would be better to break up. Now we do have the whole "dad coming to visit him" stuff which is not great because of how my ex some times acts, but it is far better than living together and pretending everything is fine when it's actually not.
We grew apart in the last year (or 1,5), so it took quite some time before we actually noticed and decided to seperate. Sometimes things happen so gradually that you don't even notice...
I am content being a single mom and I feel so much better now, as if a weight has been lifted. I now see life again full of possibilities and enjoy seeing my son grow up in a peaceful home with no stress. Being a single mom it helps to have a support system: grand ma and other relatives or close friends who can help you out and are there for you when you need them. I think this helps a great deal because everything comes down to you when you are a single parent. I actually enjoy being a single parent, I can make my own decisions (also in regard to parenting) and have total freedom. I guess I am not afraid of responsibility and don't mind making decisions on my own. And I can say that when we still were together I was doing everything anyway and now I just have 1 kid to take care of instead of 2!
I understand that you want to do what is best for your son, I can really identify with that. And it is sometimes difficult in deciding what is best for him. When my parents seperated, when I was 4, I was actually happy because it finally became peaceful at home with no arguments and no tension. How the situation becomes after the seperation really depends on both parents.
Staying with your spouse is an option, but do you really want to sacrifice your own happiness for this? This could also mean ruling out a rewarding relationship with a man you love because you probably won't meet him when you stay with your current husband. Don't worry too much, you will know what to do when the time comes. Just listen to your own inner feelings and you will be fine. Just try to arrange your life so that your son has a happy and positive mom who enjoys life!
Ohw, I can't stand the lying... it makes me want to smack him! It makes me so angry. I guess he still lies to you because he hopes you will buy it and get back with him. Continu to lie just shows that he has no respect for you and takes you for a fool. Same with my ex... every second word is a lie or censored version of the truth so I am now at a point where I simply don't care what he says anymore. If we wouldn't have a son I definitely wouldn't have any contact. I don't know whether he is in a relationship, what is going on in his life or anything and I had to accept that I won't, even though it could influence my son. That is something I still have a hard time with.
I am not sure why it makes you feel crappy when he contacts you.. maybe you are still hurt because you feel betrayed..? Just think that there are many men out there who will treat you better. Not all guys are assholes (I continu to believe haha). I hope you feel better soon!!
i see eleven
Aug 14 2008, 05:16 PM
Thank you so much for you're encouraging and supportive words.
i have an update that i'm really excited about...in a weird way. after a huge argument i had with my husband on wed/thurs of last week and just a phone call away (it seemed) to getting a divorce, my husband called and made an appointment with a councilor for friday. we went and i found out that i'm a "codependant." i had heard of the term and thought i had some tendencies but didn't quite understand it and let the subject go. but when she mentioned it, for some reason it hit me that i need to learn more and she recommended a book to read if i was interested in getting to feel better etc.... anyway i get it from the library and i'm thirilled! i'm excited to say that i'm probably 99.9% codependant! i feel like i finally know what my disease is, my addiction is so i can get the help i need. now i can get the proper treatment to be healthy and balanced. i'm not even half way thru the book and already feel a shift in my life. i feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel for me. that i can someday make healthy choices for me and my family. and that i'm glad in a way that i haven't left yet so i can learn now how to be a healthy person, mentally and emotionally and spiritually instead of leaving this relationship only to get in to another bad one in order to learn the lessons i need. it's so hard for me to really discribe how i feel and i'm learning that it's a very complicated issue/subject..codependancy is.
the book i'm refereing to is "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. this is probably a co-d tendancy but i hope that this book can help others since more people are codependant than not i've learned. it's definately worth checking into. but i'm thrilled that i finally know why i am the way i am....and now i'm learning a better way to be the person i want to be. cuz i'm not a happy... with myself, my situation, my attitude, my choices and on and on... no it feels like there's help out there for me and people like me. finally i have something geared toward me and my healing than seeing all this "help" for my husband and his problems.
any way, i think i'm rambling now, i don't know if any of this has made sense but i appreciate this opportunity to just write and vent and get my feelings out. even if they don't make sense to anyone.
Oct 12 2008, 10:44 AM
Alright .. So!
I'm not going to go into the details (who knows who could be lurking in the shadows!) but I ended an 8 year relationship last week. Lived together 5 years. It had to end. It was the right thing to do.
When i broke it off i asked him to leave since i pay the rent and bills at our place; however he said he couldn't find anywhere to go and could i leave instead. Fine. My amazing friends took me in and I've been staying here for a week. He says he needs "at least 2 weeks" to get out of the apartment. He could not just keep the apartment - there's no way he could afford it, and he'd drag my credit through the mud. I want out of that apartment anyway, it is "our" apartment, not mine, and it's too painful to be there without him.
So I'm just waiting him out. My friends say i can stay in their guest room as long as it takes, and that's awesome, but I need to get on things. Until he leaves I can't clean the place up, take pictures, run an ad and get it sublet. And if I can't get it sublet I can't move to another place.
So that's what I'm going through now. Over the past 5 days I've *gone on long crying jags *felt like it was a mistake and had to get him back *felt like nobody would ever find me attractive *felt like i couldn't fall in love with anyone else *felt guilt about being the one who broke it off *felt anger that he just won't get out of the apartment
That's what's going on and it's really hard and I feel so unstable right now. Like I am wobbling on the edge of a cliff. I know it'll get better, but it totally sucks right now.
Oct 12 2008, 11:27 AM
i'm feeling the exact same way kayte! i was literally in the middle of typing a post and i got distracted, when i came back you had already posted.
my situation isn't the same at all, but i'm experiencing very similar feelings. i just broke up with my boyfriend of a year and half. it tore me up inside to do it, but something just didn't feel right. i couldn't put it into words or put my finger on it, which made everything that much more difficult. my intuition was just questioning, doubting, and i felt i had to listen to my heart and do what was best for me. i agonized over the decision for almost two months. i kept wanting to just 'wait and see' if things would get better between us. we started out long distance, then lived together this summer, then he just went back to school in the great white north. i think that if we had been in the same city, maybe things could have been different. i was ultimately afraid that i would just carry on for the rest of the school year, he would move down where i live and then that feeling would eat away at me. then i would break up with him after a month and then he would have uprooted his life for me only to get shafted. i didn't want to take that chance, i didn't want to hurt him like that. he took it well, in the sense that he was a devastated, but didn't call me a bitch or tell me that he hated me. hearing all the sad things he said put my heart through the ringer. i still love him, i can't help that, but i don't think i'm in love with him now, and i can't help that either.
i feel like shit warmed over. i've been trying to keep myself occupied with a lot of activities, but he is always at the back of my mind. of course i have those feelings of, 'did i just make the biggest mistake of my life?' and doubt, and self-loathing, guilt over hurting him, the whole she-bang. but i know that things will get better. if i did make a mistake, then i will figure that out in the future and take it from there. if it turns out to be the right thing ultimately, that i will discover with time as well.
i think right now it is most important to focus on the day to day stuff and not worry about what is going to happen in the future. i will figure it out when i get there. worrying never did anyone much good anyhow.
anyhow, i'm with you kayte, on all of those feelings. it sucks that you have all this loaded, operational stuff that you have to deal with, like finding a new apartment, getting him out of the old one, etc. my only advice would be what i keep telling myself. if you go running back into the relationship now, it will cause more damage that you ever would have just breaking up with him in the first place. the smoke will clear, your head will clear, and if you can't get him out of the apartment as fast as you'd like, maybe the two of you have a couple mutual friends that might be able to mediate a little.
good luck, stay strong.