Apr 4 2007, 10:58 AM
AA... so GLAD to hear from you. blast that gut of yours anyway.... it's still your emotions that betray you. I know that the over the counter antacids do work... You'll make it. I believe in you.
Bad day for me, too. last night husband brought girlfriend to our house. wanted to have son go to his trailer for dinner with them. uh, no. we're still married and his girlfriend wants to show off: hair all up and curly, big silver earrings. so when son asked again why I told him the truth. your father and I are starting the divorce. it's just not good for you to be around him and his girlfriend. he stomped off with a 'f*ck' and 'I don't want to talk about it'. so she does bother him. he bottles it up.
this morning husband shows up with girlfriend. she's still in the same clothes. yeah, we all believe she stayed on the couch. and suddenly I have gotten three hangup phone calls. what are they doing? so at noon to 1, husband is supposed to come into the house to pay bills. wondering if he'll invite her in. wondering what to do.
do I ask him 'how's the girlfriend'? do I say 'congratulations'? do I see what her reaction is? do I not let her in at all?
got 45 minutes, all. post now
Apr 4 2007, 11:07 AM
hi jami, i'd say don't acknowledge him/her/them/the whole nonsense at all. he's obviously bringing her so he can try to hurt you. why else would she need to come along? can you get out of the house while he's there?
aunt a, i agree with jami, your emotions are making you all wacky. don't let this experience change your confidence about feeling good again about someone else. shit happened that was beyond your control. you can't blame yourself for not having a psychic vision about what he would do. yes, i'm sure there were clues, but you didn't fail, the relationship did, you both did, at that time and place in that situation. there's so many more factors.
find new ways to walk to bypass those "memory lane" places. find new friends to hang out with, in new places. and eat a pretzel!
Apr 4 2007, 11:16 AM
I have to be here so he does not walk off with anything. he's tried.
and as for 'them', if they are coming to 'announce' anything to me.....
and for what you said to AA.. yes, so many factors. you are starting NEW. get thru today and tell us about tomorrow
Apr 4 2007, 12:34 PM
huband came and left. did not bring girlfriend in. so yes, she's here just to mess with my mind.
he made an ambiguous threat to me - your day will come. he was pissed. again took things from the home that the restraining order says he can't do. but at least it's on video.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 4 2007, 12:45 PM
First off AA, my heart goes out to you...ive had a lot of the same feelings in the gut before. =(
Jami, I know what you mean about sticking around, i did too when my ex moved out and yes whenever they are around the house I would ignore them, hes feeding off your frustrations (sorry im too late). it seems to me that this is happening very fast and very much in your face. you mentioned telling your son that the divorce is happening and that it is not good for him to spend time with them. while it might hurt you for him to be with them leaving you alone, as long as they aren't trying to "mess with" him and put him in the middle of it I would let him go and be with them sometimes, he has a right to see his father too. i hate playing devils advocate but its real and your husband might be able to use it against you later, if he senses you trying to keep his kid away.
kelevra ~ yeah, im not too sure the relationship could have been resolved. i started drinking after i tried to express my feelings one time and i got told that my "gut feelings" (aa) were a load of crap and that i was a crybaby. he was falling out of love with me and i could see it. I could tell and i confronted it, because I am confrontational. so in trying to make the relationship work, sad as it sounds, i did drink just so i would lighten up and not dwell on it and be a happy girl for him. well that brought on the same issues you brought up. he told me he didnt want to be around me cause I was drinking and he was losing respect for me. basically i think i GAVE him a reason to finally leave. did I want the relationship to work, heck yes i did. was it going to? that was beyond my control. I questioned, was i good enough for him? was he cheating, was he disappointed in me?
ha ~ drinking a form of self mutilation...a different thread i think.
so I agree, if vices were gone, especially in emotional discussions/debates, we would be better off.
and awwwws, i feel bad because i do the nasty snap at my bf sometimes when hes too affectionate. i wish he would admit it, he pouts when he cant have my kisses right away, omg, when i am doing something and have my hands full he wants kisses and such. sometimes its adorable, most of the time i wonder if hes not jealous my time is going to something other than him...????
i wish there were more out there like you Kelevra, i love that you seem to know what you want in a relationship, the emotional parts.
Apr 4 2007, 02:08 PM
husband ~has~ been playing with son's mind. lying to him about me, telling him adult things about the case. things you don't say to a child. and bringing in the girlfriend. you don't DO that. we'er not separated 1 1/2 months. he had the girlfriend months ago - she's what started this divorce notion in his head. son can have contact with his father. it's not good for his mental state to have her there. so that is my objection. once we're divorced - whatever. but he was untrue to me, and the way that he treated us... I'm trying to have a stable environment for my son here.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 4 2007, 03:47 PM
id just hate to see him (your son) hold this against you even though you are trying to do the right thing. the whole situation sucks, i can't imagine my daughters father placing this against me....it's not cool him talking adult stuff about the case
let your husband appear to be the bad guy then even while your son is around him. your son is smart, he will see through your husbands lies. i dealt with the same stuff growing up. i was 2 yrs old when my parents divorced. by 2nd grade, i formed my OWN opinion of my father, he was an asshole, treated my mom like shit, cheated in front of her, and was a man of empty promises, i saw this with my own eyes. I had to form that opinion MYSELF, even though my mom told me her opinions. I guess you can try to keep him out of it, but ultimately you share this person you made together. the whole thing sucks for all of you, sorry if i seemed an irritant...im not too good about casually entering conversations.
i hope this over for you fast.....
Apr 4 2007, 05:22 PM
son will figure it out. one day. right now he's so brainwashed by his father. I do not discuss the case with him. husband tells son that he's trying to have me declared as an unfit mother. gee, wonder how this affect the boy.
AA.......how'd the day go?
j'ai un vagin
Apr 5 2007, 06:25 AM
yeah the husband shouldn't be talking about the case with your son. i think its good that you video tape stuff that hes doing that he shouldnt too. it would suck if he tries to say you're unfit, but i think that's kind of hard to do, he would have to gather proof that you're a really bad person and you certainly don't seem to be. =) i feel for you and the stress you must have right now.
Apr 5 2007, 08:01 AM
oh, yeah, stress. blood pressure went to stroke zone. have to get the will done in case somethind does happen. really greatful for the restraining order. now son and I know we won't be yelled at, hit, demeaned, burned down. it's really nice. just the stress of husband being on ranch with girlfriend - and things being taken illegally off the ranch. it's difficult.
AA.... how ya doin'? what did you do after work yesterday?
Apr 5 2007, 08:07 AM
hi jami, please stay healthy. don't let him do that to you. and i agree with j'ai about keep on doing what you're doing with your son... being a good mother. he'll soon see the difference. even in the meantime, let his young mind believe what it wants. you're doing what's best for him by not sharing those details.
aa, hope to hear from you soon!
Apr 5 2007, 08:17 AM
nickclick. I *try*. believe me. I try not to have his presence near me affect me.
guess it's working - kinda. had a dream that I woke from sleeping, to have him there in bed next to me. he wanted to 'work things out'. I sent him away. (I have realistic dreams. could feel the hair on his legs - smell him.) and I sent him away. so that's good, right?
it is hard - him bringing the girlfriend. and the knowledge that he was having an affair for months. and knowing that he is saying bad things about *me* to people who used to be *our* friends.
the truth will come out one day.
but for now... it is hard.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 5 2007, 08:59 AM
that would be a really hard thing to deal with, him still being so close and with the girlfriend to rub in your face. ive always hated that when people do that, to somehow try to show off what they can do and "get away with"...at your emotional expense. hang in there grl, stay strong.
how much longer before the next step? before he leaves?
Apr 5 2007, 08:00 PM
court is wednesday. if judge believes his lies - *I* could be the one to leave. court decides where my son and I live. stressful, to be sure
Apr 5 2007, 08:25 PM
jami= i'm still sending vibes your way.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 6 2007, 08:30 AM
oh i SO second the good vibes for ya jami...
Apr 6 2007, 09:20 AM
good luck vibes for jami all the way from NJ
aunt a, how are things in NYC? did you get my PM?
Apr 6 2007, 12:55 PM
ohmygod. waiting for the lawyer to call me back. had to call the police. he came in with a statement for me to pay for things he is not allowed to buy. (allowed to spend $250, this was for $7,800) then he says that the car he is driving is a loaner (he cracked heads in our other vehicle, and authorized repair, also not allowed) says the car is ready monday, return the loaner then - he's taking the truck, the only vehicle that works. uh, no you're not, it is my court appointed vehicle. so me makes a dash outside for the truck, I beat him to it and take the keys out, I run back inside and lock the house. I call my lawyer and he says to call the police. he threatened me with - you're gonna get yours - He's ordered not to talk to me in a threatening manner. this is so f*cked. police will not come out unless there is violence!!!!!!!!!!
I'll post again later with an update
Apr 7 2007, 08:42 PM
ok-- all I'm ok, son is ok. I am sure that husband is mentally ill.
I had legal rights to my truck. I let him use it to transport livestock. He did not use it for that purpose, and has not as yet returned the vehicle. No laywers till Monday. do not know what is in store.
this is a mess.
Apr 7 2007, 08:50 PM
Egad, Jami. ~~~~vibes~~~~
Apr 8 2007, 05:27 AM
Apr 8 2007, 09:56 AM
hey all. still here. Husband just left with son to go visit grandparents in Montana. part of me is scared I won't see son again. he's a posession to his father. he took the truck (permitted by court) with load of railroad ties, (property taken off the ranch, not allowed by court order). have it on video and camera.
I'll post tomorrow from 'big city'. have to meet with experts mon+tues, court on wed.
send me your good thoughts. this is gonna be a doozy. judge could actually have son and I 'vacate' our home. or maybe just me. it's scarey - I just don't know what lies he will say. it's pretty important to him to have me gone.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 9 2007, 01:03 AM
im hoping with you that all goes ok for wednesday. just keep doing the stuff you have been doing, be the good person, hopefully things will fall into place for you and your son. hugs...
Apr 9 2007, 11:13 AM
((((jami)))) all will work out in the end. your ex doesn't seem smart enough to maintain his lies forever. good luck wednesday.
Apr 10 2007, 09:54 PM
send me your good thoughts and prayers
tomorrow is court.
husband is making our 16 year old testify. he's been brainwashing son for a month now. he believes things that are not true about me. he tells me " I love you momma, no matter what. always remember that". it feels like a knife. it isn't a true statement. he's preparing me for what he's going to do.
and tomorrow husband testifies against me. I have no idea of the lies he will tell.
just wanted to give you an update.
hugs to all.
Apr 11 2007, 06:32 AM
i am sending my strongest vibes your way. You WILL get through this - no matter what happens. we are all here for you
Apr 11 2007, 09:35 AM
Apr 11 2007, 10:14 AM
thinking of you, jami....
Apr 12 2007, 11:51 AM
((((((((((((((((It's going to be okay. Things happen for a reason. It will all work out in the end.))))))))))))))))
Apr 12 2007, 04:12 PM
I'm seriously about ready to pull my hair out! :angry
The ex obviously doesn't understand the words "leave me alone" and "we shouldn't talk anymore"! I broke up with him around mid March after dating since the middle of August. Of course this was after months of having several fights and realizing things were not going to work anymore. He still is so confused on why we broke up and why we never worked it out. He says he wants us to be friends but then he mentions something about our breakup and you can tell he's just not over it yet. He wants to still be apart of my life and doesn't understand that over actually means over
! It got so bad I seriously thought about printing out all his emails to me and keeping his text messages because he wasn't letting up and I worried I might have to get a restraining order.
I've moved on and am ready to get back to a happier and healthier me. I became extremely depressed and unhappy with him but he keeps saying he treated me soo good. I'm trying to make new friends and started seeing a counselor about some of my personal issues and issues I have with him and much of my past. My Mom has noticed a complete change in me and is so happy he's no longer in the picture. I would go into the whole story but really I'll save you all the disgusting details. I mean truly disgusting details.
I'm not really mad or anything but just fucking annoyed.
Apr 12 2007, 10:45 PM
came down to testimony. Judge said son is happy in our home. and he wants to live with me.
Husband is furious.
Today we had to attend a class (lots of divorcing people, not just us) to focus on the child, not yourself in a divorce. Everything the psychologist said (don't talk court to child, don't discuss finance, don't force your girlfriend and child together - if he's 16 or 8!) everything he has done to our son! he was clenching his teeth.
so... thank you all for your kind words, thoughts and prayers.
I will not take my child for granted. he is here with me until the divorce is final. then, who knows what the court will say.
after the decision - all he wanted to do was go out for food. he's talking to me. I really believe a lot of stress was lifted from him. know it was for me.
Apr 14 2007, 10:24 PM
AA.... how are ya? check in!
j'ai un vagin
Apr 15 2007, 06:17 AM
jami - i am glad things are working out in your favor for the time being. it's got to be a big sigh of relief =) proud of you girl, for being strong through this.
Apr 16 2007, 07:05 AM
jami, so glad to hear that good news. gotta believe sanity and reason will always win, for this hurdle and all to come.
Apr 16 2007, 11:42 AM
thanks nick and j'ai
it's a big relief, my heart is doing much better (really, medical-ly wise!) Father has not talked to his son since court.
the sun is out, and no snow for a couple more days. things are good.
now I have to prepare for the real court.
j'ai un vagin
Apr 26 2007, 04:29 PM
jami, I hope all is well these days. hug
Apr 27 2007, 07:37 AM
also checking in to see how it's going. hoping no news is good news.
Apr 30 2007, 06:11 PM
hey nick and j'ai. things are good here. anybody heard from AA? Son and I are doing well. snow has melted and although rain will be here next week, it's sunny and breezy now.
now for the bad news, husband is going to move in nextdoor. in two weeks. not looking forward to that. lawyer says he cannot bring girlfriend for overnighters. but she can come to the property. they're trying to make me leave. not likely.
May 2 2007, 08:29 AM
hey jami, just ignore ignore ignore. play your music loud. go out a lot. enjoy time with your son and the nice weather. soon enough one of you will have to move.
is there nowhere else he can be? it's obvious to harrass you. why can't the judge see that?
no i haven't heard from aunt a. where are you?????
May 2 2007, 02:18 PM
hey all, any recommendations for good morale-boosting break-up music? Eg, something to play when your ex is being a jerk? I need some good girl-power kinda tunes, even if cheesy--Beyonce's "survivor", anyone?
May 2 2007, 02:20 PM
sorry guys. i've been getting back into the swing of things at work and sublet hopping so i have really limited internet access. basically things are going well. i'm still looknig for a long term place but other than that things are ok. i tried to be friends with M. (i emailed him to let him know i was in the city and we could hang out if he wanted). we chatted back and forth for about 2 weeks via e-mail (work e-mails) but avoided seeing each other in person b/c it might be too awkward. i saw hm inperson about 3 weeks ago b/c we had to do our taxes together. it was awkward but only awful b/c we owed money. we sorta stopped contacting each other so often after that. for me, i felt like i had already gone out on a limb and i still felt a bit awkward about having to see each other. we still e-mailed each other but not super regularly. about a week ago he offered to pay me as 'insurance' agains him going on unemployment if i would help him with the visa. i was pretty offended but thought he was being just boneheaded and not maliscious so i said basically, ' i can't do that b/c my family wouldn't be happy with it and it involves them as well, but i've got my fingers crossed for you getting a work visa! i hope this dosen't ruin any chances of us being friends' anyway. he said thanks for responding and that it wouldn't be a problem for friendship for him. and then he said he should hear from his work that night. i called him and e-mailed and he just didn't contact me for like, a weekend. which i figured was fine, but i was definately feeling kinda pissed off at that point. i was like 'um. don't ask me things that make me question your motivations for friendship and then not contact me' but i figured i was being crazy. he emailed on monday to say he didn't know yet. tuesday i emailed him again and said that i was gonna stop asking everyday and just to let me know when he knew. he had been pretty short in all of his emails after me saying that i couldn't help with the visa and this one was the shortest. it just says 'thanks'. um.... ok. so i figured i would just let it lie. if he wanted to contact me i had put it out there and been friendly but it was taking up too much brain space in my head. he contacted me yesterday to let me know that he called and apparently our divorce is final (they haven't even sent me papers yet so it must have JUST gone through) and that his work did not approve his visa. he decided that in order to stay in this country with this new girl he is getting married to her. i am beyond appalled. i am outraged that apparently my gut was right and he really was just speaking to me and being friendly to manipulate my feelings in the hope that i would help him with a visa. after i said no he was totally much more clipped. and i feel awful for this poor girl! i can't imagine that she knows the whole story. just lame lame lame
i'm still suprsingly ok though! i mean, maybe it will hit later but now i'm just so disgusted with him that i don't miss him at all. i feel embarassed and stupid and naive, but i don't miss him. it's sad that we really did hae something real once and now apparently he just wanted to use me to help him reach his other goals . the thing is, he didn't try to use me and ignore my feelings. he USED MY FEELINGS to try to manipulate me. there is a special place in hell for people like that. so i'm angry. but mostly i'm good.
jami --ignore, ignore, ignore, ignore. keep on keeping on girl because you are amazing. once you can wash your hands of this you are gonna shoot off like a rocket into a better life. all this work is for a better end. the end will justify the means. it will get better
May 2 2007, 09:34 PM
Aunt A... it is *so* good to hear from you. yikes, hadn't realized it had been such a long time!!
he was still using you... geez, all I can think of is 'cad'. (why won't worse words come to me?) you did good and stood strong, and you found out the truth all along. and you are still so strong!!! you are amazing.
I am hopeful that my posts to this group are not being read by husband's girlfriend. still not sure, really. I had to change computers, believe it or not... my work that I was doing for my lawyer started to 'dissapear'! documents that I *know* were there the day before, were suddenly gone. I don't know if it were due to his/her manipulating my computer over the internet (yes, I know it can be done) or (I hate to think of it) my son doing things like that for his father. could happen, I know.
Son and I are good. Tonight was his school play, and he was fantastic (glowing mom). He's home now, so I'm gonna close.
Love and hugs to all you out there with the warm wishes and vibes.
I know that it's all helped me
May 3 2007, 01:53 PM
I haven't posted in a very long time.... lurked a bit and glad to see that jami and AA have been doing better having to endure and overcome so much. You two, as well as everyone else, show that there is a strong support system that exists here.Oct
- as for empowering music, I go for johnny cash's version of "It ain't me babe" or "Cold Hearted Snake" by Paula Abdul haha! or anything by Marlene Dietrich... something about her deep German voice that makes you feel sexy and strong. Quick questions
: A. Have any of you dealt with an ex who wants you back, and you've been indecisive....sometimes pining sometimes hating and then just back to plain ole' getting the reality of why you left him in the first place to pining again....come back into town after you left him in another a year later?
B. How have you gotten yourself mentally prepared for social interactions? behavior advice? especially since so much has changed, yet we haven't exactly.....ahem..ended it.Sigh, followed by the instablity of my emotional compass
... the nervousness, anxiety, stress (digestive problems, tense muscles, inability to stay truly focused), fear that he'll hear gossip bout your sexual and booze rampages resulting in embarrassment, and the ultimate question of whether you even want him back in the first place.... I have a chance to just get the hell out outta here and pursue my master's in english education. new place, new people, up and out into the light, man. damn the fear.
I'm a convoluted nervous wreck, despite all the positive empowering mantras i tell myself... no matter how I distract myself with positive activities. What's worse is that he spent the freaking night last night!! (it's been awhile, ahem) Why should I feel so weird about interacting in public, other than the fact that my friends and acquaintances in this small town know how much I've struggled the past year to get over the 6 1/2 yr relationship? Not so much of them judging me, but me judging myself? Why couldn't I or can't I just let go?
I'm to see him tonight at an opening of a new venue that will be filled with all the local scene-sters and yada yada.... I want to go to support my friends, but feel super odd. I wonder if any amount of lipgloss will help. har har.
Thanks for reading this mess and comments welcome. my issue seems so trivial compared to some, but I appreciate just getting to post. I wish the best of luck to everyone.
May 6 2007, 05:23 PM
Moonpieluv... so what happened at the opening?
(ahem) I met a friend of a some friends. they'd been talking to me about him, and to him about me. he asked if I was going over to their house to watch the fights (smalltalk) said, no, I wasn't into that... said I'd see him another day though. he paused... 'promise?'
um... it's been awhile. was he flirting???
May 7 2007, 07:17 AM
yeppers jamie. that was 100% flirting. go get 'em!
May 7 2007, 09:07 AM
sounds like a flirt to me!
aunt a, good to hear from you and good to hear you sounding good. you should be proud of how you are handling all this. you should also be proud that your ex probably saw that he couldn't use you any longer, that you were getting too hip for him, and now he's found another easier target.
i finally deleted my ex as my "friend" on myspace. i feel so free. he posted stuff about how his new gf moved into his (my old) apt. a few months ago. but what really got me is that he now has a new kitten. we used to fight about getting a pet, something i wanted real bad, but his aversion to poo was his biggest arguement, which i always saw as a shitty (pun intended) excuse. anyways, i wrote to him, said i didn't want that much contact anymore, that it wasn't keeping enough space for me to not feel bitter. i don't want those feelings about him, our relationship, or in my life anymore.
funny that any tiny bit of contact i have with him causes me more agita than my current relationship, with someone who loves pets, by the way. my point is, no matter how long the list of reasons why you leave someone, or how happy you are with that decision, it's still easy for emotions to get all mixed up about your ex.
moonpie, so yeah. it's so easy to forget the reasons you broke up, and usually they're pretty good ones. i hope you had fun at the opening, and flirted like jami did
and if you really decide you need to get over him, maybe breaking all contact is the best strategy. aunt a, i extend this advice to you too. i think most of my contact with my ex was more about curiousity than concern.
May 7 2007, 10:15 AM
aunt agonist & nickckick...
haha. you made me laugh. and smile. (been awhile) a flirt. wow.
now what? guess I'll have to make the next move.
got a notice from ex-to-be's lawyer. now he wants the divorce. now. hmmmm... guess girlfriend wants to be married. weird thing is - because we have not even discussed the estate, I cannot allow the divorce. not till the property and his/hers gets setteled. cause if I did grant the divorce, and then he marries her, she gets half of *my* estate. so weird.
nickclick - proud of the myspace delete! must feel good to not see him.
and my ex hated cats. I love 'em. I think it's cause you can 'control' a dog. a cat lets you know that you are not the supreme being that you may think of yourself. they'll get back to you. love it. but I also love my dog's BARK. not to be messed with.
May 7 2007, 01:02 PM
oh god! i totally stopped contacting him when he said he was getting married! i set up an auto reply that just says "there is nothing you could possibly say that i would be interested in. we have no further business matters to discuss. don't contact me again". i'm not paying the credit card debt (it's all in his name and he's dicked me over enough-- his turn now. also - i payed several thousand dollars in dealing with his decision. it just about evens out). he's emailed me a couple of times saying how childish he thinks that i am. whatevs. my parents are contacting him b/c the INS says that him marrying some other chick does not nullify the affadavit unless he leaves the country and then comes in on HER affadavit. so ... basically... stuff sucks real hard right now. but hopefully it will get better soon. the divorce is final - he just needs to get off my parents and my affadavit of support. and stop contacting me. assface.
May 7 2007, 03:42 PM
AA.... Yea for you
it's the hard-head-ness of these men, isn't it? sheesh. too bad for him, but glad that you are getting stronger still. amazing. they think we'll bend for them. enough is enough. and the contacting the INS - fantastic.
glad to see that you're still in contact.
today is a good day for me. not sure why, but I'll take it.
May 7 2007, 06:05 PM
I thought things were steadying out....
ex-to-be called the cable company, put girlfriend onto the account, she got on the phone and cancelled our cable. I have been trying to get the lawyer to get the cable in my name just in case he was to try to do something like this. son is PISSED. tonight is HEROES.
he's harrassing us. like the lawyer said: he's having a temper tantrum. (he actually said this!)