Mar 13 2008, 05:13 PM
Hi fellow inepties! Do you gals ever feel weird or out of place with your family too?? I just had a very weird awkward silence filled day with some of my fam. It was odd.
Mar 14 2008, 12:30 PM
we don't live near family, but if you'd count feelings of alienation from having to listen to 'your sister (who lives close to them) did this blah blah blah' constantly to the point where you think ' hey- do I even matter here??' then yes. ( & it sucks.) I am sorry if you had something like that happen, but dysfunction is the new norm ey?
we went to a dinner at the mr's work last night; our frecklettte was being honored for her volunteer work w/ them, which is totally cool & we are much proud.
but I'd forgotten how it is with those people... despite looking really cute (vintage floral dress w/ denim jacket over & sandals) I still, and always, result in feeling like the ugly troll there.
my first thought was ' shit! I forgot to get a pedicure.' which is what I always mean to do, but as it's just hardly spring yet, crazily it wasn't high on my list of ToDo's so far.
I sat in a corner looking I'm sure constipated for all my miscomfort.
I know no one can make you feel inferior w/out your consent but or ok so I guess then I give Them carte blance for it.
I even tried to weasel my way out by asking the mr to bring frecklette home sinse we had 2 cars there, but he hates the socializing there as much if not more than I do so he wasn't having it.
I believe I am just going to more actively avoid going there when possible, altho I know we have another meeting for frecklette there next week. = slip in/dodge out=
Mar 14 2008, 01:17 PM
QUOTE(konphusion26 @ Mar 13 2008, 11:30 PM)
Hi fellow inepties! Do you gals ever feel weird or out of place with your family too?? I just had a very weird awkward silence filled day with some of my fam. It was odd.
Family gatherings with my wider family can be unbearable
With closer family its not so bad because they know me enogh to know what im like and what im really like. Still can be awkward silences though. I think Im just a socially awkward person. I find it hard to make small talk. Conversations can be very stop-and-start-y. With most people it's usually a bit of an effort to make that day to day meaningless conversation for me. It never seems to flow :/. Probably why I stick to the people who Ive already got past that stage with rather than branching out to meet new ones...
Mar 14 2008, 01:41 PM
Only when we're off in the country by ourselves in the dead of winter (Christmas, actually) and everyone else is eating shrooms.
Mar 14 2008, 10:14 PM
Hanging out with my family at my parents' place is actually the only time I don't feel awkward. But put the six of us (or me and my parents) in a public situation, and I'm dying with my own embarrassment, as well as theirs, which they don't ever have.
I've been a total hermit lately. But tonight was the first in a series of monthly dinner parties. I brought a side dish, which went over well. I left early (but not first) and was beating myself up over it on the way home. But then I realized that it was pretty cool that I went at all.
How go the socially inept weekends? I've got a plan that keeps me from seeing anybody but the dog until Monday morning. Sigh.
Mar 15 2008, 08:20 AM
Reading this forums really helps me understand that other people have the same problems I have with social groups Hostly am shy really really shy . Am all ways afraid people are going to judge me and think poorly of me if I say something stupid. I all so have a hard time finding people I have a lot in common with. I think the reason I fear judgement so much has a lot to do with the people I hung out with in high school. There was a lot of talking behind peoples back a lot of judgement about people and pressure to fit in and like/dislike certain things . Even tho am far from those people now I still feel like am in that environment . I also have a great boyfriend who is as far from being a socially inept dork as poss but can be a bit of a hermit which doesn't help movtive me to get out of the house. When ever I get around new people even If it's doing something I enjoy or know a lot about my mind goes black. I just can't think of anything to say
and I end up looking like well a big old socially inept dork
. Am going to try Meetup.com and see if I can find a few groups I can drag my BF to.
Mar 15 2008, 08:50 AM
it is amazing
to me how much we all seem to have in common! just about every post, i can read and be like, "yeah, that's me. oh that's me too. oh my gosh, that's totally me".. it's unreal. especially because these are things about myself that have always made me feel so isolated and misunderstood. it's pretty frikkin neato to be able to discuss such vague aspects of life that have shaped so much of my life. you know, the human dynamic.. the interactions between myself and others.
starship: "I dont get how I can be comfortable with who I am and yet still be that way. .. Is it possible for anxiety and awkwardness to become a sort of habit that continues even when you are happy with who your are?" i would say so. simply because i believe any behavior we develop over time, to help us cope with our reality, can become a habit without even realizing it. i have found the start of changing anything about ourselves that we would like to improve is awareness of whom we are, and a sincere desire to change. meaning, now that you know that's how you are, if you would like to stop it, you should try to change your behavior/reaction in the moment that you recognize yourself doing it. supplement with a healthier, more true to you, response. i've noticed for myself i have to be like, uh i'm not shy anymore. i'm quiet, and i'm cautious, but not shy.
so i adjust my demeanor accordingly. feel it?
lilac: feel like we're homegirls or something. you sure you're not a midwesterner?
kon: yes. as i told i_am_jan (where is that busty by the way?), i grew up feeling completely out of place in my family. even still to this day i have a hard time making convo with them... which is kind of expected, so i just act cordial and polite and that seems to work out ok. like starship said, they know how i am so any common ground i can find with them is an improvement.
freckle: doesnt it suck how our neurosis/insecurities can take us away from some pretty important events? i think that's a main reason i've always wanted to be more confident, because i didnt want to miss out on anything simply because i didnt feel good about myself. i hate hate hate that annoying nagging feeling of being inferior even if that's not really the case. i find i cant even enjoy some shows out anymore if i feel too old or out of touch, which entirely sucks because that's not what the show is about anyway. know what i mean?
lunia: i would have to agree, i experienced the same thing in hs. although i dont even talk to any of them and i've experienced so much more in life.... that seems to be a very memorable time in which we are learning about ourselves and how we imagine the world to be eh?
Mar 17 2008, 11:41 PM
I get amazed by how much we have in common too.
For my immediate family, I seem to do fine, but then again, it's just my parents and I. For extended family, I sometimes feel awkward, it depends on who I'm talking to and if we have anything in common besides shared ancestry. Usually my conversations with them are a lot like sharship's--very start-and-stop, and not much to say about every day life. I feel a little stupid asking my cousin about his kids when I already know, my mom is pretty good at telling me everything that goes on.
Knorl, I was born and raised in Minnesota, and if that doesn't make me a midwestener, then nothing will.
I moved down to Arizona almost three years ago, hence the "Great Southwest" location. I still see Minnesota as "home," though.
Lunia: I think part of my social phobia is from high school too, I had a group of friends that were mean to each other and I was pretty much on the lower rungs of the social ladder, so that makes me suspicious of trusting other people.
Oddly enough, I didn't pick up on people judging me until after I got out of high school, which doesn't help me trust others.
This past weekend wasn't too bad, I didn't go anywhere but I did volunteer for some archeology project in the area. I did talk to a few people, did lots of hiking, and found some cool stuff, but the only people who weren't retirees were the group leader and his intern. I've been out with them before, but we really don't know each other that well, and it still felt like awkward small talk. It was still nice to go out and do something outdoors.
Mar 23 2008, 02:27 PM
Oh hey everyone. I'm back in my busty saddle again. Missed you guys!! Yikes, it's been a grueling past couple of months for me. After the rageaholic moved out, with no notice, leaving me jobless with no computer, phone, etc. , your homegirl is back better than ever. Got me a new job clerking at a law firm (pays ridiculously well), a new computer, new phone, everything. I know he thought I was going to have to move out of this place once he left, it's pretty pricey for one person; however, surprise babe! I ain't leaving. I just moved here.
So in the meantime, I had to batton down the hatches (where have I come up with this saying?), work work work, but now I've got a little free time again.
Of course, I'm staying in as usual
Although I did go check out a couple bands solo last evening. Interesting. I just wanted to break the ice, as there have been certain shows I've wanted to catch, yet no one to go with, so I wanted to face the fear, go alone once, (I used to do it all the time! but it's been a couple years, since I had the BF, see?) But so I've done that now, next time I want to check out a band it won't seem like such a huge deal. Saw a couple people I recognized from the scene a couple years back. Said hi and stuff. Felt anxious, of course, but what's new. And I did feel sorta lonely went I left alone and came back to just Winky. But only for a couple of seconds. I'm sure it's cuz I saw all the couples out and stuff, you know girl.
Speaking of which, ladies: has anyone 'hooked up' online? I mean, like just TALKED (not met up or anything). I have this new internet 'boyfriend.' Yes, how unhealthy, right? Perfect for me though right now, ha ha. I actually had never done this before, I started when I would simply post comments on this 'chatboard' and a very witty guy from it began emailing me so it's been a back and forth thing. I never thought I was one who'd get hooked, yet I have! The only problem with it is that ya'll know how geeky I am about getting my reading done, and practicing my music and so forth. Well I've slacked off and lemme tell you, I'm feeling a little out of sorts! You know how 'disciplined' I am, ha ha! But he's fun, smart, funny, so I've thrown caution to the wind for just a little while. Am giving myself just enough rope to hang myself, as they say!
Ah, I noticed a conversation about midwesterners? No wonder several of us have so much in common! (*Knorl, I'm winking at you hon*) Yes, the midwest is certainly the home of the bubbly fine-dayers, overly enthusiastic small-talkers, as well as the forced smilers. Ah. Maybe there's a reason to feel particularly out of place here for a gal or six who are not so easily amused by this chatty 'gaity', ha ha!
Anyway, I have missed you guys (((hugs))). Can't wait to hear what's up. I'll see you in the threadz!!
Mar 24 2008, 02:53 AM
((i am jan)) welcome back! missed you! sososo happy to hear of all the good things you've created for yourself in your life as of late. you inspire me.
i think in this day with computers being such an integral part of our networking systems there's nothing wrong with meeting someone online.. just gotta keep your healthy skepticism sharp when getting to know them because it's so much easier for the creeps to pretend to be something they're not. kna'mean? have fun and keep us posted. .......... have you ever performed your music out, or considered it? just curious, i think that could be exciting.
lilacwine13: i knew it.
i am jan was right on with the social graces of the midwest. i too feel like relocating to someplace new. how well did the transition go for you, i get nervous about that large of a change..
Mar 24 2008, 08:37 PM
ive met up with a guy online before. I suprised myself because it's something i never imagined i would do. I dont see anything wrong with it but would advise to take everything with a pinch of salt and be wary before vesting any real emotions in that person. Sometimes it's hard not to when you talk to someone frequently and seem to get along so perfectly on paper. A lot of people feel the need to create an alternate persona online- even if there's nothing wrong with their real one...
Exam period is looming so there goes any shambles of a social life that I may of had. Im going to the cinema this friday, purely to save me from insanity. But not much else i suspect. Socialised quite a bit on my birthday last weekend-met a few new people and had some easy going conversations (almost felt normal). Also went with family to visit a sick relative over the weekend. Nothing too taxing and it all went smoothly.
Welcome back I_am_jan
Mar 29 2008, 04:50 PM
do any socially inept busties get overly frustrated with the complete inability to be like others? i dont really want to be like anyone else, i would just like the luxury to be able to do more with myself. anyone feel me on that? like i always feel so out of place with everything. even in the bust lounge sometimes. it's weird. like i know who i am for the most part, i know what i like, where i've been, etc, i just have this lingering feeling that i'm a fraud or inadequate. boohiss!! like i can know, "oh i'm an artist" or "oh i'm punk" or "oh i dig poetix" or "oh i get into philosophy" or "oh i care about this that or the other"... but none of that even seems to matter with the day to day bullshit of interacting with people. none of that comes into play necessarily when i'm feeling the negative or oppressive energy from others, you know, the stares, glares, condescending attitudes... perhaps it's by nature, or by choice, but it still leaves me feeling -lost- -frustrated- -immature- -unworthy-.... could be a manifestation of my own subconscious to keep me down so that i dont have to deal with more bullshit if i were to be confident and successful. the damn pressure!
Mar 29 2008, 10:20 PM
Yes! But my long post just got eaten. Boo. I vacillate between wishing I could just be like everybody else, and being glad that I'm not.
Mar 30 2008, 10:09 AM
Well yet another weekend at home . I just can't seem to get motived to doing anything any more
May be when the weather gets a little warm I can kind something to do in the city .
Mar 30 2008, 01:39 PM
With my new job, I'm working on the weekends, and by 6 pm I'm tired and want to go home. The last things I've done have been spending Easter with my family, seeing a play, and seeing a concert. I haven't been interested in dating and am more interested in building my career, saving my money, reading new books, and finding interesting things to do. I'm still signed up to Meetup.com, and am going to do some volunteer work at a homeless shelter next month.
That is so fantastic, i am jan!
Mar 31 2008, 01:22 AM
obelix: i made mention of that to my therapist a while back... saying that i think it would just be "easier" to not have to be so different. you know, sometimes i wonder if ignorance really is bliss. and she made the point that she believes an 'easy life' is a misnomer, that it's almost impossible to be free of (or avoid) conflict and problems in life. and it's really true. everyone's got something they have to deal with, that's the very nature of life... how we respond to what we're dealt, i think matters more. even a person who *appears* to have it all, not only could be putting up a front, but also there's no guarantee it will last forever. you know what i mean..? the potential for tragedy is almost inevitable for any human person. i think to lie to ourselves and pretend life is meant to be this bright happy shiny place is leaving one open for not only disappointment but also a major clash with reality - the likes of which some may not be able to recover. getting in touch with reality, i suppose that should be our number one priority, but it's not. we prolong, procrastinate, make up excuses, and live in a dream state in an attempt to avoid these everpresent problems with which we're all faced.
anyway. yeah, i'd much rather be like myself than anyone else, i guess i would just like to know sometimes what it's like to be considered "normal". but normal isnt necessarily the ideal.. especially among others who are like us, eh? xo. oh, and another thing, i hate the fear of being different. this anxiety we've all been discussing. living true to our ideals that individuality is a priority, may not (many times does not) match up with the belief system of the masses. that causes them to feel anger, fear, and frustration toward individuals who are not like them, which is why they react the way they do with oppression and disrespect. i guess the point i'm making, is that we all experience these emotions when interacting with one another in the world, especially when we are confronted with people who are not like us, of whom we have no real reference for: people who we may not fully understand. the key is to not allow it to affect our self worth or perception, and to attempt to get along with as much mutual respect as possible. IMO anyway.
Apr 1 2008, 10:10 AM
QUOTE(knorl05 @ Mar 31 2008, 07:39 AM)
i guess the point i'm making, is that we all experience these emotions when interacting with one another in the world, especially when we are confronted with people who are not like us, of whom we have no real reference for: people who we may not fully understand. the key is to not allow it to affect our self worth or perception, and to attempt to get along with as much mutual respect as possible. IMO anyway.
in regard to getting frustrated with being/feeling different: yes. No matter how much I like myself, the way that I am, enjoy my alone activities! I look around and see so many other people really connecting, making friends, connections, having fun with other people ~~ and mainly this: having easily flowing conversations that volley back and forth, seem totally natural and not a big deal to either party. This is where I am completely on the outside looking in. I am like you guys here: I am interested in things, I read about stuff, I listen to music, etc., etc., ~~ but does it serve to connect me with others? Not really. It just feels so awkward when these things seem so natural for most other people. And yes, I also feel fraudulent. I think it's the awkwardness ~ the uber awareness that you're so different in a fundamental way (socializing!?) ~ that makes you feel that. Because you have to pretend. To feel comfortable. That it's not a big deal. When it feels like it is. A huge deal. One thing I've noticed about myself is that I'm very sensitive. To the world, to other peoples' reactions to me, etc. In contrast, I see others have an awkward moment once in a while, or someone treats them with just a little bit of disrespect, and they don't seem to notice it. Don't even give it a thought, but go on their merry way. I sometimes wish I didn't notice things so much. Maybe it would help me to just 'go with the flow' more. But you know, it's not how I experience things. I feel this need to reflect on things inwardly, or something. Once in a while I'll try to fly by the seat of my pants and, again, 'go with the flow'. The most recent time, I went and hung out with some people after work, thinking 'hey, I haven't done this in a while, give it a shot, try something new, maybe it'll turn out differently this time', right? So, I go. It's a light-drinking situation, starting at some guy's house. (But it wouldn't have mattered even if it weren't a drinking situation): He's a good guy, these are good people, who really want to get to know me and are giving me their full attention/a chance. They are rather smart, fun, not too 'dangerous' or anything. But you know what? It felt dangerous to me. (Dangerous?!). Kept feeling like I needed to get home. It was like, the anxiety, I couldn't relax, no matter what happened, I was too uptight to really let go and 'have fun,' so...I was pretending to enjoy, I felt like a faker. And that seems to be the ending each time I attempt to venture out a little. Uggh!!! Yeesh girls it's really hard not to feel like a dork, and I'm not sure I've wanted to use throw that word around here too much but my gosh. Does anyone else feel like it's simply not going to be possible to get to know people unless it's over a long period of time? Because that's me. It's like, I need so much more than one or two casual social encounters to ever open up to people or be able to think about and get to know them as well? Like, it's a slower process than maybe what it is for others?
Apr 1 2008, 08:58 PM
iamjan - holy crap. I just teared up a little reading your post. Exactly! I see my acquaintances chit-chatting, playing volleyball, eating lunch together, and it's so easy for them. They're not thinking about it every second like I do. "Should I talk now? Is my story as good as that one? Will it look like I'm trying to one-up somebody if I talk now?" On and on in my head, so I can't get the enjoyment out of socializing that everybody else seems to.
And yeah, it takes me waaaaay longer to get close to people than seems the norm. I'm always amazed when people will talk about their "friends". I use the word acquaintance, except for maybe five people. My definition is ~somebody I would call on a Tuesday night to go out and get coffee with~ and that is a tiny group of people. And even for those people, it would have to be a near-emergency for me to call. It's like I'm imposing on them by calling to hang out. Duh-that's exactly what I want them to do to me, so why doesn't it work in reverse?
knorl05 - it seems like you've got it right in your brain, rationally, at least. You'd rather be yourself than anyone else. That's great, and I feel like I get my head screwed on right and feel that way sometimes. But it seems like it doesn't make the anxiety go away, at least not for long.
Apr 2 2008, 12:33 PM
Does anyone else feel like it's simply not going to be possible to get to know people unless it's over a long period of time? Because that's me. It's like, I need so much more than one or two casual social encounters to ever open up to people or be able to think about and get to know them as well? Like, it's a slower process than maybe what it is for others?
Yes, yes I do. It used to infuriate me when AZ Guy would ask me why, after having a pleasant conversation with someone I just met, why didn't I invite the person out for coffee right then and there. I told him it didn't feel right, that it was rushing things, which he did not understand at all. I've had jobs where people are surprised that I have a sense of humor because for the first six months or so I'm quiet and don't feel comfortable talking to people.
And your entire post sounds like quite a few Saturday nights I've had.
Obelix, I have very few people I refer to as friends too, most of the people I know I call acquaintances. And yes, it would have to be a dire emergency before I contact them. I know they don't hate me, that if I ask them to hang out or send them an email they aren't going to laugh in my face and they will respond nicely. Yet I'm still afraid they aren't going to do so.
Knorl, you asked about relocating and I really wish I had a better answer for you. It hasn't been too easy for me, but that might have more to do with being shy, moving to an area where it felt more like AZ Guy's turf than mine, and taking a job that canceled out chances to socialize than the actual move itself. The people I seem to get along with best are, like me, Midwesterners who moved here or people who are complete and utter dorks (sometimes both). My guess is it has more to do with the people I meet than anything in particular, I'm sure there are other people out there who have the same interests as me, they just don't seem to cross my path.
Apr 2 2008, 05:16 PM
I totally agree . It's so difficult to me to take a friend ship from work buddy etc.. to a real friend ship out side of the work environment.
Does anybody find it difficult to be friends with guys who have partner(wife,girlfriends etc..). I know a bunch of guys that I would love to hang out with just as friends but the fact they have wife's or girlfriends makes it a lot harder. Normally we end up hanging out in big groups are going out as couples but never solo. I just feel it's odd how it works out.
I find that most of my anxiety about social groups goes along with big groups of people. If it's me and you and maybe J alone at a table it's a lost easier. Then siting around that same table with a whole group of people I become a wall flower.
Apr 3 2008, 03:15 PM
QUOTE(lilacwine13 @ Apr 2 2008, 07:50 PM)
I've had jobs where people are surprised that I have a sense of humor because for the first six months or so I'm quiet and don't feel comfortable talking to people.
I get this all
the time! people either dont get to know me at all because im shy at first, or they do and are suprised when they realise i have a personality. Ive lost count of the amount of times ive heard "omg youre actually funny". I still havent decided whether that should be taken as a compliment or an insult
Does anyone else think that this all stems from being particularly empathetic and sensitive? I_am_jan mentioned it and ive thought it for a while. Im quite good at telling what people are thinking whereas other people either dont seem to notice as much or just dont care. I think in some cases its the latter but usually they just seem oblivious. Im not sure if youll understand the kind of thing im talking about- either because its just me or because Im finding it hard to explain what i mean :/
I find small groups best. Usually in large groups I just sit and dont say a word and if its just me and one other person it can be awkward as i struggle to make small talk. Obviously it depends who im with but thats how it generally goes
I love having close comfortable friends but find it such a hugeee effort to make them and get to that point
gah.we should all relocate to the same city and awkwardly dork about together
Apr 4 2008, 11:55 AM
I'm all for relocating.
I wouldn't say I'm more empathetic or sensitive, than the average person, although I do worry more about making people uncomfortable. In fact, I can be pretty bad at picking up things from other people, and some of my first impressions turn out to be false. I think one of the reasons I studied anthropology was to understand others better (it didn't work, but I still love the field).
For me, I have a weird, sarcastic sense of humor that can go flying above the heads of some people. I make references to shows that have cult followings and aren't really mainstream, so I usually like to gauge people's reactions first before I say anything.
I do better in small groups too, large groups intimidate me. Also, it seems like most of them end up being dominated by a couple people anyway, so chances are I'm never going to get a word in edgewise.
Apr 5 2008, 12:35 AM
Yeah, I definitely am usually sensitive to other peoples' behavior, reactions, generally observant of other peoples' behavior. Emotionally tuned-in to people and myself. It's weird. I also think I pay too much attention to other peoples' behavior. I think I do it because my mom was unstable. Growing up with her I really had to pay attention to what was going on for myself because she really didn't know what was going on and couldn't interpret the world in a logical way, she was a borderline/schizophrenic/etc. I also had to make sure I understood what she was going to do, I can to this day predict exactly what she will say or do. I also think I have a mindset, or a pattern. Like I expect to not have comfortable relationships with people, because I never have. I expect to not fit in. I go in, feeling like I don't belong. I've tried to break free of this mindset, be in the moment - present - try to catch a pattern when it comes up and then break free from it - I've never quite been successful. I am simply just not that comfortable hanging out with most other people, I'd just soon be alone. Unless every few years when it's a sexual partner usually for a bit of a relationship for a while. Also, like someone here mentioned previously, I too feel sometimes I may be keeping involvement in things away. Don't really know what to make of it. Not even sure why I'm so curious about it. I guess just because of the discomfort it does cause, and also just because something does seem ?______? when I go days without speaking to anyone or I feel like I feel more comfortable by myself the great majority of the time. I just feel as though maybe I really should be making some connections of some sort, but ? anyway, rant out.
Apr 5 2008, 01:10 AM
i am jan: was she borderline or schizophrenic? they are two different diagnosis you know. it's interesting to learn about and reflect on our family patterns to recognize what we have inadvertently picked up on through the years. to realize it's not our fault, then make serious efforts to change that which we want to change about ourselves. even though there are times i want to just give up or give in and be like, oh well this is me.. the more powerful drive within me is to continuously challenge the things i see and understand to get to a deeper and more accurate truth.
i guess what i'm saying is yes it feels more comfortable for me to be a recluse, but it's not really what i want and i know that. so what i must do, is keep putting myself in situations that challenge me to step outside of my comfort zone to allow me to grow and experience a more diverse and meaningful life. i think the ultimate challenge for any one of us, socially withdrawn or not, is to know ourselves. i find exposing myself to many different types of people places and things allows me the freedom and ability to gain deeper insight into myself and those around me. and that is more important to me than to live in a safe little bubble. other inepties feel me on this?
Apr 7 2008, 09:07 PM
Went to the mall (YIKES! social dork sensory overload) with the other bridesmaids and the bride to find shoes (which is going terribly by the way). And we came upon a few people we know from church. They're all really close to these people but I'm not, so i felt totally out of place and kinda backed off into my own lil space and proceeded texting my husband. It was very awkward - and I was so ready to go. I truly felt weird and frumpy around them. Just extremely uncomfortable. I'm ecstatic for my friends, I will be glad when this wedding stuff is over! Not my scene at all!
Apr 12 2008, 09:42 AM
kon: malls suck! total sensory overload. goodness even just thinking about it is making me all clamy. it's fun sometimes to get into what makes friends happy, is true. but i find it's always nice to get a break from the cheeriness that marriages seem to bring, perhaps because i've not really ever gotten into the idea. humph. although. lately i've been considering to get married for the experience.. seems like it could be fun. either way.
lovehugskisses to my fellow socially inepties.
Apr 14 2008, 12:18 AM
Hi - I'm new
I've been pretty messed up over the years. But I'm still here. I'm still trying. I've said stuff I shouldn't have, by talking about shtuff with the oh-so very wrong people - or so I think. I keep sabotaging myself, expecting the worst. But the worst has yet to happen.
Will it? I dunno!
I want to be happy, & I believe it's possible. I've been working on deprogramming negativity and wiring in a "happy mode" with Yoga & meditation. These are two AMAZING ways to begin
reclaiming control over the thoughts that enter your head, that by the way, we do this cuz most likely it's been programmed into us by our parents, friends etc. Daily mental exercise in resting my mind has helped me not only recognize, but also send away nasty negative thoughts & has allowed me to, eventually, ease into more positive social situations. Even just today I said something to a possible wrong person - & I am fighting off the "Why oh why" rumination as I write this. I trusted myself & them at the time. Why is it keeping me up so late?? It's tough!
Some say that positive minds positively affect health, prosperity. Negative thinking invites disaster. It alters your "vibration". People can sense it & will subconsciously react to it. I believe that it's my vibes that inevitably invite the very negative situations I fear. I've read that as we subconsciously vibe to the great grand universe about our fears, the universe, I believe, thinks this ruminating is us asking for a chance to stare those fears down because we're not sending any "hope" into the stratosphere. I've decided that for myself, in my life, fear & negativity isn't necessary. Ever since I said -" Hey Universe! I'm gonna start hoping for the best... okay? *cheesy fake smile* Thanks Universe!!" - It's been working. No kidding! And I read a book called "Cunt (A Declaration of Independence)" by Ingrid Muscio that discussed this stuff - she said it would take about 3 years to reprogram yourself to be happier, if you start today.
So yeah, I like to stay home - I think if you find other peoples energy is negative, & draining you of your joy - be okay with staying home. That's okay. Them's the wrong folks cuz they don't make you happy. It's not you - it's not them! You just simply don't mesh. All you need in the limbo between perfect pals is your self, a hobby/book/chore/etc. & you'll find your center. It may lead you to people who are more like you too!! It may also lead to less social outings buuuuuuuuut I don't feel the need to go out as much any more. I'm okay with that. But I do want to be able to... fit in, you know? But I know I have to stop expecting the worst cuz it's not
making me happy. Right now I'm in limbo - I negatively ruminate & rebuff with - "no no no! Why would anyone do that?" & "People aren't that bad!!" & also, "I'M not that bad! Jeeeeeeeeze!!!!!"
I'm just trying to convince myself, every single day, that the world is not such a scary place & that I don't suck & it's been working. I've been making more girl friends. Now I'm starting to discover we all have so so so much in common. I'm glad I found this thread. Yay!
If you don't agree, that's fine. I hope no one thinks that I'm like - "hey answers! Answers!! Do what I say!!!" This is just me and the way I see it. I wanted to share some hope
Thanks for reading my very long post
Apr 14 2008, 07:33 PM
I had a socially inept freakout at work. I was standing between two seated coworkers, helping them with a computer problem. One complimented my shirt, and then it turned into a discussion of whether there was a tiny pink stripe, or if the red had just run. So there I was, in between two people staring very intently at me, scrutinizing my shirt.
I ran away. Literally. I stammered out something about not being ok with people being so close to me and I ran to the other side of the room. One coworker said "oh, that's right, you can't deal with people touching you". I finished explaining the computer thing from the far side of the room. Luckily, these are the two people who I spend 8 hours a day with, and they understand how I am. I was glad they just took it in stride.
But as I was doing it, I was thinking about how most people in the world could just stand there calmly and discuss a freaking striped shirt!
In better news, I stood up for myself like a bad-ass in a meeting, and afterwards held my own in a chat with the president of the company. I suppose I should be grateful that my social ineptness roars its ugly head at odd times, and takes a convenient nap at other times.
Apr 14 2008, 09:15 PM
Obelix2 - I don't like it so much when people get close to me, and I tend to wonder "why that is?" a little too much. But I notice, also, that other people are perfectly fine with standing up and saying "Woh!" without worrying about offending people. Then they walk about & act normal because they don't feel bad about it & no one blinks an eye. Most people can simply accept themselves but it simply radiates when you're seemingly sorry for what you did. I'd say people see it subconsciously as having the upper hand. So I wonder if I'm right, are you were worried about offending them?
Apr 15 2008, 12:02 AM
ladymiss: welcome! not only to this thread but also to bust. we're glad to have you.
i really identify with the things you've said, i thank you for your input. i guess i'm to the point in my life that i'd rather accept myself as i am, than try to alter myself to be "happy" or make others happy. this whole 'fitting in' idea with which we all seem to wrestle.. i've noticed for myself it is simply the feeling
i get from social situations where i dont feel
like i belong. obvious. i realize. but the point i'm making is that it's not that we dont necessarily belong, as it is the feeling
we get from those situations. i mean, does anyone really ever belong, and if they do, do you think they all feel like they do as well? i think that's why so many people are afraid to step outside of the norm, why they conform, why they act normal, why they do what they're supposed to do... out of fear of their fears. that deep down they feel like a dork weirdo outsider too. they (just choose to) or can pretend like they are normal though. but then shit, maybe they just are. and ghad, how boring can that be? normalcy is not the ideal in my humble opinion. i think what we should be striving more for is not only self-acceptance but also self-empowerment. i too am not trying to say i have the answers.. how boring would that be if i had life figured out.. but this is what i think about all that thus far.
obe: is cool they took it in stride. i used to be like that too... did not like people touching me or paying me too much attention that i didnt feel i could control. i think when you're around people who understand/accept/respect your quirks it makes it that much easier to just be yourself. kudos on the bad-assness at the mtg!!
Apr 16 2008, 10:53 PM
Ladymiss: Welcome. I really felt the stuff you said. I've thought about that negative vibrations thing too, realized that that's what goes on with me too. And yes, come the same conclusion however, that, if something doesn't feel right, don't do it. I find joy in my life in many moments, it's simply a struggle to get rid of negative thinking and relax. Your post was a total inspiration.
I'd like to share this poem I found recently:
IN MY MIND
There I stand,
Alone in the cold.
There is a storm
A tall brick wall
Stands in front of me.
On the other side,
I can hear the laughter
And see the light.
In my hand
I hold the invitation.
The door is within my reach.
But my feet won't move.
I am scared.
Will they understand who I am?
Not the act I perform around them,
But the real me?
Then I think,
Do I want them to?
~Kate Engelbert, 15
Apr 17 2008, 07:53 AM
*sticks head in*
very cool poem...
Apr 19 2008, 09:46 PM
I'll just go ahead and be a thread hog. I went to drag queen bingo! It was a pretty big step for me - I knew my friends would be there, but instead of carpooling with them, I decided to go by myself. I have this horrible fear of *not knowing something*, and just the idea of walking in the door and not knowing how much it would cost or how many bingo things I needed upset me. But I did it. And just to push my luck, during a break I walked all the way across the room to an acquaintance who I have a huge platonic crush on. She hugged me, and I rolled with it. Yay!
But it was too hot in there, and the music was so freaking loud. I left halfway through, but didn't beat myself up about not being social for another few hours. Baby steps.
And I agree, malls are horrible, or any big box stores. I get into mall-mode if I'm forced to go there. I walk incredibly fast and zig-zag through the crowds so I can get my item and leave. On the rare occasions when I'm there with somebody else, I get agitated by the slower speed. I had been shopping with my boyfriend a few times when he asked me why I ran away from him as soon as we entered a store; he was taking it personally. I hadn't realized it, so now I stay with the person instead of doing loops at my speed and finding my shopping partner occasionally.
How are the weekends going?
Apr 19 2008, 10:09 PM
I like that poem.
My weekend is...well, I got into a huge fight today with AZ Guy because he couldn't understand why I was depressed about most of the stuff that's been going on recently. I pretty much hung up on him because I didn't have the energy or the patience to put up with his attitude. Then I called my parents and went out for coffee. So yeah, today has sucked.
Yesterday, though, I went to the opera. That was fun, I sat next to an old woman who knew a lot about it and she was pretty cool about me being a newbie to it, explained a few things to me and talked about some of the performances she'd been to. It was also nice to get all dressed up and do something completely different for a change. There was a question-and-answer session after the performance, but I didn't stay for it because I was too tired and I wanted to go home. It would have been nice to go with someone, but that's another problem I have, nobody I know wants to go to the opera or stuff like that.
Earlier this week I ran into an acquaintance at a brew pub, and we talked a little bit. He said if I wanted to hang out with him sometime, I could and well, I'd kinda like to. I just don't know what to say. This is the part of the getting-to-know-someone phase that I really suck at--I know who they are, know a little bit about them, but not enough to know what to ask about next.
For some reason, malls don't bother me that much, but I seldom go into them, usually it's to remind myself why I avoid them in the first place. Obelix's way of maneuvering through the mall (or big box store) sounds an awful lot like mine--move quickly and get out.
Apr 20 2008, 11:52 PM
I just moved home, and I've been really hesitant to keep in contact with my roommates. I've e-mailed them a little but not nearly as much as I'd like to. I wonder if my hesitating to keep in contact with people is some kind of really, really watered down version of the suicidal impulse. Just the general suspicion that they'd be better off without me in their lives, even if they don't think so. This sounds really self-pitying, and I certainly don't consciously think this way, but there is definitely a lack of confidence on my part.
Apr 28 2008, 06:39 PM
Gypsymoth - have you tried contacting any old friends yet?
Gah! I'm so nervous. Some coworkers have started a monthly dinner, and it's at my house on Friday night. I'm scared that
-the food will suck (silly, I'm an excellent cook, and the homemade bread will win them over)
-they'll think the house is trashy (it's smaller than the other houses we've been to for dinner, but we're not frivolous with money)
-there will be no conversation (eek!)
-everybody will scarf down the food and hightail it out of here ASAP
-the lack of activities will be apparent, and we'll all sit around blinking at each other (the other hosts had ping-pong or pool in their basement)
I think that I might bring the board games out, in case somebody is into that. I won't suggest it - I'm afraid of forcing people to stick around when they want to run away out of boredom. I want it to be over.
May 4 2008, 11:06 AM
Oh boy talk about socially inept
The last few weeks have been well stressful. Me and Bf went out to eat last Friday with a close friend of his. We had a good time end up standing around the parking lot talking for a long time. The next day I get home from work and my BF tells me he got fired
great just what I need. Don't get me wrong I love my BF but there are times when want alone time for myself. This past week has been really busy at work and Monday was friends b-day dinner ( same friend as above). So Monday after a long day at work I found my self siting around a table with a group of people I really didn't know. Every body was nice but once again that over welling feeling that they where all judging me came over me. After dinner we stood around outside and talked . Well I should say they talked I stood there and nodded my head. At the end as the group was breakng up one of the girls said to me "you don't talk much" at which time everybody ( and yes I mean everybody) turned to stare at me
. Bf then chimed in they all know her she always like that
. I don't know wants wrong with me . It's like I need time to warm up to people. Once I have been one on one are with some one a couple of times and I can make small talk easily . Stick me with a group of people I don't know and I close up . No matter how hard I try I just can't open up to people.
Please excuse any spelling errors 12:49 is kind of late for me
May 6 2008, 11:45 PM
lunia: boo. i know that feeling. people used to say to me i was too uptight, too quiet, too this that or the other. bs. i am who i am. (popeye said it best). you should have turned to her and been like, "yeah well you talk too much". ahh. that woulda been funny. but then they prolly woulda seen you as the snotty quiet girl.
know what i hate? why they even care. you know? why did she even feel the need to bring attention to the fact that you didnt have much to say. annoying. as far as i'm concerned, if i have something to say, i'll say it. yes it can take a minute for me to open up to some people, but other times i'm just unimpressed with the conversation and dont want to partake. you know? it's like, how do you interject when the subject matter isnt your cup of tea anyway. "It's better to keep quiet and be thought an idiot then to open one's mouth and prove it." well not that we're idiots, but you know...
May 7 2008, 07:20 AM
it's almost like that girl was feeling uncomfortable in the situation or herself even, and so directed the attention away from herself & to you maybe?
just a thought. I sometimes like to think that deep down, a lot more people are insecure (rather than callous & unfeeling & thinking) than they let on and it helps me restrain my inner choke-hold urges.
going to a professional graduation event tonight, one of the mr's co workers at some university;
stressed, bc one of the other spouses is almost openly hostile in her bitch attitude (to the mr too!) and I always feel like the female soldiers (she is active duty & works w/ all of them) look at me like
'oh, you're JUST a wife
' and it makes me crazi!! (altho strangely enough, several of my closest friends are former active duty women now- I guess it's just while they are In they act like that? go figure)
anyway, I'm giving up trying to be 'one of them' and will focus on just not talking at all if I can and making an early escape. the mr will probably agree to that too, unless there is a bar involved in which case I will be the dd and hating life all the more tonight. I'll be socially inept, insecure AND totally sober to endure it all the more clearly. hatin' life indeed.
and on a different side: I have to break up w a friend. I wrote about her in the Letter's thread yesterday and know now it's the best thing to do or she'll keep calling & calling and maybe even heven help us- show up at the house unexpected.
I might be socially inept and even occassionally lonely, but I'm a big one for cutting dead emotional weight. the big thing is: she hasn't actually Done anything to warrant it. not sinse the x-mas mess that is. (which was the final straw,but that was 5 months ago & not exactly current to use NOW) so I don't know what to say beyond ' I've outgrown you. you're at a different place in your life that I can't relate to anymore & I just think we're better off going ....' - no, that doesn't sound right either.
May 9 2008, 09:14 AM
" I don't make friends easily & I don't like people I don't know."
-Dr Hahn on Grey's last night
I heard those lines & thought ' she's socially inept too!
beyond continuing to dodge future ex friend, my former very bff/now regular (?) friend sent me a snail mail greeting card yesterday: it was a birthday card of 2 old women, riding in the backseat of a convertible w/ cool sunglasses & laughing their asses off and she wrote ' I know it's not your birthday but I hope this is us when we're 70.' very sweet, and yes, very much Us, but I'm still a little freaked out. it's like the 3rd type of card she's sent in the last few months, yet we hardly comminucate beyond occassional emails. like she's sending mixed messages or something and after the way she hurt me before, honestly, all it made me was sad
I miss the friendship we had before bc I've still never clicked w/ anyone else even near as close as her.
on a lighter note: the grad the other night wasn't so bad. short ceremony (preceded by an akward reception where I stood slightly behind the mr & pretended to be facinated by the looping slide show featured) and then dinner out a sea food place. one of the mr's friend's fanagled it that he & his wife (preveriously mentioned female soldier) & the mr & I sat at a booth just the 4 of us across from the bigger party sinse there wasn't room there, and it wasn't terrible. one of the other guys is a real snoooooze & his wife is super hyper & there are rumors of extracuricular joint marital activities and eww they're having a party this weekend that we got invited to. when the wife put my mr on the spot about going he said ' we'll try to make it' and I wanted to pound him!
it's " I'm really
sorry but we already have plans." - fake sincere smile. DUH.
I think the next work-type party I will let the mr go to alone & that doesn't happen again.
May 11 2008, 07:58 AM
My boyfriend is leaving in a week to go overseas. He'll be gone for a month! I don't know what I'm going to do because I'm shy and socially awkward. Whenever something is going on, we know about it because someone called him, not me.
May 12 2008, 05:55 AM
do you mean overseas like in the military?
I'd say you have a month of 'freedom' to focus on yourself and things YOU enjoy.
be kind, be indulgent,creative, build or plant or grow or paint or read or something.
30 days on your own doesn't have to be a curse.
May 12 2008, 08:39 AM
He's an art student and he's going to the UK for some painting and photography credits. When he's all done I'm meeting him so we can travel Europe for a couple weeks.
At first I was kind of excited to have a month to myself, but I lost my job last week and I'm already bored and he hasn't even left yet! I really do want to do creative things (and exercise) during the day, and I'll be finishing the semester this week. I just wish I was more social so I'd have something to do at night. I feel like without him I'm going to be so out of the loop.
I know all I'd probably have to do is pick up the phone and call someone I'm fairly comfortable talking to, but when i imagine it in my head the person always says there's no parties or shows going on that night and me feeling like a desperate loser.
May 16 2008, 09:15 AM
ht: meeting him in europe?
I'd be so excited by that I'd concentrate on getting ready for that alone, guide books, websites, all of it.
of course, I'm really nerdy in that regard & tend to be uber "prepared" only to disregard most of the 'invaluable travel tips' I spent so much energy gleaning once I arrive & am in the midst of the local.
where specifically are you going?
I LOVE europe and would give a great deal to go back again so please
post about it when you return?
till then I hope you stay busy while on your own & the time sails by.
xbff is starting to flake. I knew this would happen, don't know why I'm still hurt, altho not suprised.
she's starting to write things in emails that I know to be blantantly un-true, and mean, hurtful little things, kind of spiteful. maybe she's jealous bc in a lot of ways my life is going so well and there's some uncertainty in her, I don't know. maybe she's just really seriously disturbed (ok I already knew that) and I need to back away for good?
why why why.
and why can't my other friends, the ones I am really genuinely close with, not live in CO & NA & timbuctu while I am still lonely here
May 17 2008, 09:44 PM
I felt lonely tonight. I went to a bar to hear live literary readings, but felt bored. I couldn't find anyone to talk to, and I just half-listened to the stories and drifted off in my mind.
Luckily I keep busy during the day with my job and talking to my co-workers. I just went out tonight so I wouldn't feel bored and lonely.
May 23 2008, 11:23 AM
Just wanted to say hey to everyone. Letcha know I still think about ya'll...and us...and the whole social sitch. Still come in and read all the interesting posts, just haven't had much to add lately. Nothing has changed on the social front...lately I've had my nose in book after book...I have gone out a couple times solo (I'll add here that it's great to find other gals in this thread are doing that too...it's inspirational to me, and I imagine to everyone else as well). Last Friday I treated myself to a viewing of "BabyMama" down at the local moviehouse, then bought myself a drink at the local music club afterward. Just sort of stood around and listened to the bands play. I sometimes wonder if people think I'm like, an escort or something. Looking for someone to go home with. I get these strange looks. Some of the looks seem like people pity me a little. Ha ha, which sounds funny to say. I'll admit, it is maybe a little "quirky" to go out alone to a rock show. Good quirky though, I guess
~ But not pitiful though. I mean, if you enjoy your own company, and you don't have anyone to hang with that you feel comfy with, that doesn't mean you have to stay home and miss out on the action, right? Go girl...go just as you are. Hope everybody has a great weekend. *smoochies*
May 27 2008, 09:26 AM
Flowergirl, there is no such thing as a "friendly cities." You don't have to worry about having trouble with people if you choose the right friends. I think every city has good and bad people. You will run across them all just choose wisely. I think that goes for anywhere in the world not just the US. I live in Los Angeles. Yeah we have crazy people out here compared to where I use to live (Baltimore, MD). I've met outgoing friendly people out here, however, I was also introduced to alot of ethnic backgrounds which made it more exciting. I'm a very open person and there is alot more to do in Los Angeles which makes it fun. It really depends on what type of person you are. If you like the city life, move to a big city. If you like it quite, move to a rural area or somewhere just out of the city. Skys the limit.
May 28 2008, 05:39 PM
Havent got much to input at the mo' but like i_am_jan I just wanted to say Hi
and get back on in here...
I was a virtual recluse for an entire month due to exams (arghh to say the least). Not being able to go out made me want to go places and do things, even though Id usually be more than happy at home. So since then Ive explored the city abit (which i really enjoyed) and made more of an effort to get out there. Ill probably be worn out with it all soon and return to my little cucoon...
I cant remember who mentioned it but I remember in my catch-up readathon someone said theyd gone to a bar by themselves. Id love to be able to do that! I dont mind (perhaps even prefer) going most places alone but I think Id feel way too self conscious strolling into such a social place by myself. If Im alone I like to be doing something or I end up feeling like all eyes are on me
Foreseeable plans- visiting someone across the country this weekend (bf-esque figure to sort 'issues' so probably not as fun as it sounds), meeting old school friends next week, more city exploring, end of term drinks, festival in august
, and im hoping for a bit of a holiday too if i can find the right place for the right price...nothing particularly exciting
Oh, and I think living just outside of a city is best personally. I like the way its not as busy as the city but not so rural that the whole town knows each others business. Plus I have both the city and the countryside at arms reach
People who comment on my quietness annoy the hell outta me. as if i didnt know already. People who talk loudly and constantly grate on me but you dont see me butting in to comment what a loud mouth they are. Its hard to reply to when someone says something like that too. Like what am I supposed to say :/...'yeah, i know'/'ooh thanks for pointing that out'/'get lost' ?? anywho....
hope youre all doing well x
May 29 2008, 06:25 AM
ditto on having been mia for awhile.
my family has been busy ( the mr is in & out a LOT latey & it's all I can do to keep up w. his coming & goings ) & I admit it- the mr & I set up a myspace page & we both totally got sucked into it.
it's good in the regard that it's actually gotten him
to be more social- he's reaching out to old friends there that he won't call when we go back & visit his folks, and it's pretty cool to find old friends of mine from my homestate who have been looking for me all these years too.
- that's been enough for me, matched w/ a quietness in my own soul. a sort of real contentment and need to slow down & enjoy all the good things in my life.
it's so easy to loose focus of what's right in front of us that is good and uncomplicated.
frecklette: she had a youth group trip to dc last weekend, and the first night she called us telling us how horrible and snobby all the other girl's were; she chose to be by herself rather than follow around on their Fake coat tails, knowing she wasn't wanted.
she even = cried= on the phone to the mr.
the mr & I were LIVID at how bitchy they were being to her, but also told her she needed to try a little harder, that by ostracizing herself she was only compounding the situation and to rise above things and not let them see it was bothering her. (sigh)
so while that made her mad, the next time she called she was doing better and having a much better time and there are pictures to prove it. (tho w/out them I'm not so sure I'd believe it otherwise)
it just so freaked us out to know that she was wandering ALONE in the big dc hotel.. anything could have happened.
however, this is proof that being socially inept is apparently, genetic.
May 29 2008, 12:27 PM
Hi, Busties! It's nice to see everybody stopping back in here.
I recently realized just how isolated I'd become. Since I moved in with the boy, I have done almost no socializing, and the one close female friend I have in town has almost completely dropped out of my life. I really miss her. So I finally got my butt on Facebook, and I'm now up to 18 "friends" in 24 hours. Over the next few weeks, I'm going to make an effort to go out and interact with people.
It's just so easy to stay at home and do nothing. If I had to choose between 1)staying home and doing nothing or 2)going out on one occasion, I'd choose home. But when I look at it from a larger perspective, and had to choose between a month of 1)staying home and doing nothing or 2)going out once a week, I would definitely choose going out. So I need to force myself to go out on individual occasions so at the end of the month I can feel good about not being a hermit the entire month.
I so feel for frecklette. I can see myself as that teenager who isolates herself instead of putting up with snobby girls. It hurts just to think of being back there. Why are girls so mean to each other?