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Full Version: Do you ever just feel like a big, old, socially inept dork?
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ya, freckleface, definately absolutely go back! I met a girl my age at a yardsale I was having and we totally clicked but we were vague about hanging out in the future and never actually met up again....and I totally regret it. Worst case scenario is that it doesn't work out when you go back. But at least you'll know!
>I wish I was a happy twentysomething with lots of friends and a shared apartment and joyful hedonism, but I just feel like a lonely worker instead.<

That's how my mid to late 20s were. Now that I have time and space for a life, I'm feeling a little clueless. I've been making somewhat of an effort, though.

freckle - Yeah, it totally feels like asking for a date, ainnit? ;o) I guess just go there in two weeks or so and follow your gut, like somebody else said?
(((my fellow dorks)))

word on the girl-dating...

I wish I was more outgoing. This city is huge and I have a feeling there are probably tons of people around just like me, but I'm just too terrified at the moment to join anything, make an effort...

I think much it stems from the fact that I, having ridiculously low self-esteem, have always chosen friends who had no interest in my life. The woman I considered my best friend had no interest in the news that I had been accepted to a theatre design conservatory and that I was moving to NYC. In fact, I don't know that she even knows I moved. Another friend stopped talking to me when I was unavailable to be her free stitching help for the billionth time and she was stuck underhanded for her show (we're both costume designers/builders). An ex-dude of mine insisted that I had "better not disappear from [his] life or I'll be pissed" and he hasn't returned an email in months.

But they are all perfectly happy to meet for drinks so they can talk nonstop about themselves. Not one of them knows anything about my depression, anxiety, cutting, etc. Nothing. Because they never asked and made it pretty clear when I did talk about myself that it was not a welcome diversion from themselves.

Yeah, I've got to let those people go. *poof* gone!

But now I'm unsure about a friend dynamic where I am actually half of the relationship instead of a mirror. That scares me a bit...part of me feels too boring to be worth anyone's time. Gar, I have got to start liking myself better.

(anna, you live in NY, right? let's hang out and be dorky together)
Luzizoe, I can relate. I've hung out with girls who acted chummy and sweet with me, but never called me or contacted me to hang out, and I would get sick of being the initiator. One woman I know acted like my cute new friend, but she's busy with her schooling and work and apartment and I haven't been able to hang out with her. Or I post on livejournal about new and exciting things that have happened to me (having a letter published in Bust, getting known people to be interviewed for my zine), and not receiving any responses. It makes me feel sad and lonely, like nobody cares what happens to me.
anna k and luzizoe, you should totally hang out together! you might not be each other's new best friend's, but at least you'll have 1-more-person you know there in the City.

- want me to suggest a time and place to take the pressure off? :-)
Freckleface is the so-cial di-rectah (remember that song from "Tommy"?)! And OMG, NYC is literally crawling with BUSTies. I guess I'm an honorary NYC BUSTie.

And what's up with giving a Livejournal shout-out and not having your information in your profile, anna_k? Gotta work it, girl! ;o)
I just added my livejournal to my profile, missthing.

I'm going to be leaving NYC for a while, but will come back to attend classes in the daytime during the summer. So I could definetly hang with a NYC Bustie during that time.
Ginger_Kitty, you have a MySpace? You should post it, I'll add you as a friend.

Sorry guys, I always lurk around here and rarely post. But it's true about the NYC thing. There are so many of you, you should have a friggin picnic or something ;) Canada needs more Bust!
Somewhere deep inside I still like to blame my mother for my big, old social inept-ness. I am just like her in a lot of ways and that includes the seemingly inability to be a social butterfly, which is what I often feel I am surrounded by.

I'm not totally unhappy with this being the way my life is. I sometimes like my little bubble just fine. Generally people tend to suck lol But at the same time I feel like I am missing out on certain things b/c I feel like I'm at home most of the time playing little housewife and there isn't as much depth to my life as I would like, at least not socially.

Every job I've had, all my classes at school I've felt like I have fit in with the group of people that I have been around. Or I felt rejected. If if interest was shown in me, I close down or clam up. I know my anxiety issues don't help. I'm always afraid of opening my mouth and saying something stupid. Oh yeah, I hate small talk as well so that puts me out of a lot of random little conversations at work/school.

I have a hard time showing interest in other people b/c I really don't feel like connections I make are worthwhile. I have a hard time seeing people as being in my life for a long period of time, so that doesn't help much when attempting to really get to know people on an intimate basis. I feel like I'm just "passing through" a lot.

The person I consider my "best friend" isn't really good at being a best friend. She's very self absorbed and everything is always about her. When I call and talk I'll ask her about her things are going..ect. Does she ask me about my life? Fuck no she doesn't. And if I try to talk about my life to her I get met with silence for the most part. I think she has her own social problems to an extent..such as being self centered but that's another story.
Another (once was a dear friend) I pretty much lost contact with due to her drug use once asked me why I never talked about my life much. I got all flustered. It's just like, I don't know how to do that with people b/c nobody really seems to care. Even if I do encounter people who care, it's difficult for me to realize they do b/c for so long I've been surrounded by people who don't show interest.

I feel like right now I've just sort of lost my place in the world. I've grown out of a lot of the things that are considered typical socializing around here. Bar scenes..partying ect. But also I'm still young enough that I'm out of mom/wife/career woman, ect loop.

My god I could ramble on forever about how I feel about all this but it feels good I guess to know that I'm not alone in this feeling.
yeah, its weird how I hardly ever see my "best friends". My friends from college are all spread out over the country now, and I dont have a "group" anymore since my dude and I split. I'm gonna try really hard this summer to be more open to friendships since I tend to be a snob. add me on myspace:
I'm brand new so I need to pad my "friend" count :-)
citrussss, I just started my myspace a few days ago, here's my page:

Skandelouslala, I'm sure a lot of us feel just like you. I used to blame my mom, for things like that as well. But I am trying really hard to get past that. You know, breaking the cycle and proving I don't have to live a certain way b/c she would have me live that way?

I hope that makes sense and wasn't an incoherent ramble!
I hate getting anxious. This summer I have to take classes at my school to earn more credit to graduate sooner. I have to live at home with my family because I don't have anywhere else to go, with little money. My sister is overweight, works a crappy job, and graduated with honors three years ago, yet has been lazy with her life and hasn't done shit. So at home I would have to spend time with her, comfort her, be her friend, and get sick of her. Besides my schoolwork, I'm planning to get a weekend job at one of two movie theaters to work as an usher, because as much as I hate garbage and the people who create it, I would feel suicidal traveling in between the city and my parents' home and not having an outlet for anything else. Plus, I need cash.

I also never get to travel on vacation alone or with friends. My sister has been to L.A., Paris, Miami, Philly, Boston, and Cancun, all with her girlfriends. It pissed me off that she took so many trips within the last few years because I wanted her to save money for her career and living away from home. No, she did this and now she's broke and fat and depressed.

The times that I've vacationed have been with my family, because I didn't have money or time for a seperate vacation. I went to Boston alone, but I stayed with my aunt and felt uncomfortable. I wanted to go alone last year, but I didn't have much money or much time. I visited Montreal a couple of years ago with my family, and liked the city but hated being in the family pack. I went to Raleigh with my family to be the "good daughter" since I refused to go on a previous trip (because of anxiety, too much closeness, and not being a child), but the same feelings came back. I hated sitting in the car with my parents driving and arguing, being taken to their choice of resturants, and feeling suicidal and wanting to run away.

I hate this. I work all the time. I work at school, at jobs, at my social life, at my writing career, at dealing with my sister and dad, and I'm left miserable and depressed. I wanted to go to Boston last year alone, but my dad just shot me down, going, "Hostels are full of derelicts. There's some not-so-nice parts of Boston, y'know?" I wanted to throw a glass at his face or rip his hair out. Those violent reflexes make me feel tight and wound-up, especially since my spoiled and bratty older sister got to go on all these trips, and has wasted her life. All I do is work since I have to work for everything in my life, without any friends to support me, and I get drained or get sick of trying to appeal to people or be patient with them.

Later this year my aunt is getting married for the third time, and I really don't want to go. I grew up knowing her, and now I think she's a princessy obnoxious twit who is having this wedding to feel like a princess at 60 years old and have all the attention focused on her. After two failed marriages, I'm not feeling optimistic for her, and I don't see why a twice-divorced woman and a widower should bother getting married again.
anna k, i hope that was a huge vent and not an everyday feeling. You seem to have a lot of worry on your plate. The hardest thing is to not let yourself fall into the trap of judging your lfe based on someone elses. I find I do that a lot with my brother and that leads to self-righteousness and just huge amounts of negativity. There must be a plus to the situation. I used to work in a movie theatre and it became one of the most fun jobs i ever had. I made a lot of friends at the theatre and used to hawk my free passes for cash. Not to say that you should do that, but...well, I did it ;)

I also think going on lots of trips is totally overrated. Once you've been everywhere, theres no where left to look forward to. No more "must see before I die" places, cause they've already been seen.

You wanna talk nasty living situations. I had to move back home after living on my own for two and a half years cause i couldnt afford school. That sux. Talk about no social life ever anymore.

ps, i added ginger and greenbean on my myspace. you can come find me at
I'm with you guys on the "where are my college friends" thought. We seemed so close, but we've drifted so far apart. Bleh.

I sent out an announcement for a bbq at the house I'm house-sitting. I've invited about 20 people, and I'm scared shitless. What if nobody shows up? What if three people show up and see how lame I am? What if just my coworkers show up and see that I have no other friends? What if the food sucks? What if??
obelix, i wouldn't worry about it....if you feel really uncomfortable, try to get confirmations of a head count...say your doing it for the amount of food. that way it doesn't look like you're worried, just a good hostess. just my $.02.
I don't feel like this all the time, it just comes up when I'm fed up or sick of working all the time.

I don't feel like traveling all the time or seeing the big cities or going to some "exotic" country. They've all been seen before, I don't feel like taking photos and showing them off to people in the most "untraveled" areas.
greenbean I am such a dork! I think I added you and requested you to be my friend. No one has ever called me internet savvy!

anna K, try to relax honey! Life can be overwhelming, but try to focus on the things that make you happy or bring you joy. (Hobbies, pets, a great book?) Hang in there!
ya, i blame my mother too. she dressed me funny when i was a kid and i just never got over it. i still dress myself funny even! it's tragic and it's all her fault. sigh, not really. but kinda.
obelix, i completely understand the pre-party breakdown. I have felt that way many times before. I always say, it's ok if only a few show, as long as I really care about them. The worst is when only co-workers come. Ugggg, that was me last week. So gross. Well, I hope all goes well. Do tell the outcome.
okay, first of all, you need to take a good hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you feel that you are not important enough for others to care about you. you find yourself in these relationships w/ people who are self-centered b/c you are the only one that will listen to their crap all day. ditch these self-serving bitches! they don't care about you or anybody else. you need to realize that you are just as important as everyone else and what you have to say matters just as much as what they have to say. hell, your life is probably more interesting than theirs if you look at it. It has to be, you're a bustie!! next time you find yourself in a social situation, start out by just talking. about anything. soon you will find people listening and they will be truly interested in what you have to say. no matter what it is. you may think it's stupid and mundane but I bet you will find that you have a lot in common w/ a lot of people and that's the basis for friendships. well, there's my advice. maybe it's more than two cents but I feel your pain.
Yay! I freaked out a little, but I was able to relax into it. I had an original list of 20, but several couples were out of town, so it came down to 12 or so. The food wasn't stellar, but everybody got enough to eat, and we had both cake AND pie for dessert- everybody had both and rolled home happy.

In general, a success. It'll be a while before I do it again, though. I'm pretty sure that I've gotten myself on some people's bbq list, and I'm already known for my amazing desserts, so I'm crossing my fingers that this summer is off to a less socially inept start.
congrats obelix. you should pride yourself on just knowing that many people. if I threw a bash, I only know of two people to invite. hence no bash.
that's wonderful oblix! congrats!
12 is a very respectable turnout and it sounds like you had a really good time.

we may have been invited to a memorial day cookout at a new sorta friends house.. the woman isn't positive her mr is up for it as he's antiscocial also (she's not) and they just moved into their house like- last week.
she's ok... seems nice enough, have only spoken to her on the phone so far,, another military wife from another board, that I've helped w. relocating here from CA.
told her we might be in Va that weekend as it's a 4-day for the mr (as in he's off fri & mon both) and saying that kinda leaves us an out if they Do invite us and we just don't want to go.
.. my standards are so wacked that I'm analyzing all the convo's I've had on the phone with her, trying to decide if it's worth it or not, bc I'm tired of meeting people only to discover that in reality, they suck.

I think I think too much.
obelix is the dessertin' woman!

I ended up having a last minute causal bbq at my house yesterday as well. Three guy friends came over, and we had a fantastic day. Cooking, chillin', watching Laguna Beach (yes, I just admitted to that). I usually freak out cause I don't have a lot of girlfriends to invite, but I guess I'm becoming more comfortable with the fact that my guy friends value my friendship more. Go figure. Anyone else have the same problem? Lots of good guys, rarely any girls? What's a girl to do...
Congrats on surviving the BBQ, Obelix.

I am kinda of dreading the long weekend coming up. Everyone is expected to do stuff on Memorial Day weekend and I don't have many apealing options at this point. I am sure my hubby and I will have fun but we probably won't go to any parties or anything.

When will I learn how to socialize in public?
ack, barbecues! i am starting to freak out about the cook-out i am planning for this sunday. i did an impulse myspace invite and invited all of my boyfriends friends since they all use myspace all the time. but now i need to round up some people to come to the bbq as my friends so none of his friends know what a loner i am. laaaame.

has anyone ever read "party of one: a loner's manifesto"? i like the idea, but i couldn't get into it. but i need some socially inept role models to look up to. any ideas?
Mr. Raskel and I don't have any friends. None. We just do things together all the time. We're both happy with that. I mean, we have people that we know that we have odd conversations with when we see them around, or the people that we always say "hey lets go for coffee some time" to and then it's awkward and we never do. Other than that, we gave up on being taken advantage of and screwed over by people. Mr. Raskel is another guy that's very anti social and doesn't understand why I want to have friends. I want friends, but I'm a pushover. I always get taken advantage of and I'm done with that. And I hate meeting people because I get anxiety and I'm very shy around people I don't know. I guess it's just a good thing that I never get bored of being with the Mr.
i could have written that post... you just exactly described my life with my boyfriend. he doesn't understand why i need friends. i'm also tired of being taken advantage of, but not i'm not ready to give up on people just yet. i just want to meet girls (or guys) that will make feel comfortable right away and not ackward. anyway, thanks for writing that, i feel less alone now!
The comment about my mom was half sarcasm/half truth although I understand it can't be detected that way. I was sourta venting to myself. It's more of the fear of following in someone's footsteps I guess. I don't actually live day to day blaming my mother for anything (there's other people to blame! ;) )But it's that fear of seeing yourself become your mother...that can be horrifying at times lol But that's a different topic I suppose haha's great that you had a successful get together. =)

The friend that is always on shaky ground b/c of her self centeredness...she and I had it out a couple months ago. I couldn't take her behavior and I just blew up on her. I think it's sad though that it gets to the point where one actually has to do that with somebody.

I just seem to always turn into the "therapist" for people I am around. I don't know how it ends up that way. I'm the one that has to listen to all the bitching, moaning, "what's wrong with my life today" bullshit. You know, I do think friends should be there to listen to one another don't get me wrong..but I just feel like I am severely lacking something when it comes to my bonds with other women sometimes b/c I feel like a lot of communication with them ends up being the bitching, the gossiping and things of that nature. It's strange sometimes being a woman and STILL wondering if this is the only way females really know how to communicate 98% (or so it seems) of the time in my life.

Zab - Likewise!
raskel, you wouldn't happen to live close to montreal would you? we could be "unsocial" together. ;-)
Not now, but Mr. Raskel and I were looking into moving there coincidentally! Neither of us have ever been there though, and don't know what we would have to do to be able to live/work there. Anyway, we live in Michigan...

ok, we're not total losers.
the mr & I have now been invited to 2 memorial day cookouts/partys,and we've opted to go to neither.
1 was that lady I mentioned before, that I am now dodging her calls, and the other came from a guy the mr works with, to come over & watch some sort of 'race' w/ them, which the mr & I totally are not into. might be part of the problem too, bc nascar is SO big down here (close to one of the raceways tho I don't know which or what) & the mr & I totally don't get the appeal nor are we interested in learning more.
shuts off a good % of possible couple-type friends, bc We're closed minded.

I think he actually nailed it when he said
' really, I think we're just social hermits, by choice' and you know I think he's right.

I complain bc we don't socialise, but then when we get the chance, we turn it down for some stupid petty reason. we're our own worst enemy.

we spent the day running errands & working on the outside, then grilling out, later is family movie night, and then we're getting up early early tomorrow morning to drive to the coast for a day at the beach, content w/ just the 3 of us.

maybe I need to remember that more often? the Content part?

raskel- where in MI are you? grew up in nw IN, right on Lake Michigan, where IN,IL & MI all meet.
your life sounds like my memoir frecklface. my roommates co-workers are always inviting him over to watch wrestling or football or some other overhyped testosterone-infused idiocy and he always turns them down. my co-workers used to ask me out to the bar all the time but I don't even drink so I always turned them down too. now if someone would ask me to go hiking/swimming/beachgoing/shopping etc. I'm there!!!! no offers as of yet.
hey raskel... if ever you come visit to see what the city is like, let me know. i can give you some montreal/bustie pointers. :-)
cloverbee, good for you on feeling content. that is really important. i think one of the big problems for most of us here is that we feel like we "should" have a fabulous social life.

i had a bbq yesterday and i was so worried for nothing. it's so stupid. my boyfriend's friends all came and most of my coworkers came with their significant others. i was looking around at the crowd and i thought these are the people in my life right now and that is awesome. i'm tired of worrying, you know?
freck - I'm from Alpena, which is a small town in the northern part of the lower peninsula on Lake Huron. This is where, ordinarily, I would hold up my hand to show this guy. Looks like he's from Alpena too.
We just got a place in Detroit tho, so we'll be down there in August.

zab - Thanks! That would be cool. I've only been snowboarding in Searchmont, and to Sault Ste. Marie and get drunk with my school friends when I was younger. It was the thing to do. Other than that, I've never spent any time in Canada. We like everything we know about Canada, and want colder weather.
raskel, zab, ditto. I always have my heart on my sleeve when it comes to friends and have been burned more times than I can count. It is way easier to just keep it simple, just my hubby and I. Everything is so much easier to plan. We can just be sitting on the couch and decide let't go to a movie and go. If we ask friends, they aren't ready or they don't want to see the same movie, or they want to go out to eat first and it takes 30 mins. to decide where....just doing things as a couple has really made my life hassle free.

heehee, freckle, I did that this weekend too. We got two invites to BBQ's and snubbed one them b/c we knew it would be horrible, then I bitch about having no friends. But I am really looking forward to the BBQ I am going to this afternoon. It will be small, and the one girl am really truly friends with is throwing it. So I am psyched.

p.s. clover, nobody ever invites me to do stuff like that either. Why can't people ask me if i want go to the dog park together, bicycling, hiking, or shopping? I give you an open invitation if you are ever in my area of the world. :-)
thanks ginger. I'm down for the dog park too.
Okay, this week's plan for friends: KICKBALL!

A work friend is organizing a weekly game, and I'm trying to recruit acquaintances. Having tried a (very) few times now to instigate things, I'm starting to feel sypmathy for the people in my life who've been in this position before. Dude! You send out an announcement to twenty people (I don't really have 20 friends, just 20 emails that I know), and two of them respond! When I get emails like that, I always respond.

How was the afternoon BBQ, ginger kitty?
OT-raskel-alpena!!! yes michigan! the feelings forever! i have to fly through alpena to get to the UP and my parent's little beach cottage on lake superior.

i live in boston now, whenever i whip out my hand people look at me like i'm insane-i actually stopped doing it about 5 years ago :-) anyways, had to say hi to a fellow michigander!
Ah yes, our airport is interesting, isn't it? haha. I think they even made fun of it on Home Improvement once.
another OT - Northern Michigan lurve!!! We have a cabin on Lake Huron, Hammond Bay, betwixt Cheboygan and Rogers City...

God, I wish I was there right now...
The BBQ was great. Just a few of us, eating way too much and drinking a bunch of beer. Really good conversation. If only all get togethers would go so smoothly. I was afraid our dogs might fight, but even they got along fine.

obelix, Kickball?? I haven't played kickball since I was a little girl! Sounds ubber cool!
luci, That's less than an hour from me! The lake is really warm already. I was swimming with my puppers all morning.
*shakes fist at raskel*

trade ya! you come live in h-o-t manhattan for the summer and I'll swim in the lake with your puppers! Okay? Yay! It's settled!

Wait a sec, the lake is WARM? In May? Okay, anyone not believing in global warming can bite me hard.

*greeeeeeen with envy at raskel* :-)
Hah, gladly luci! I miss the east coast. And yes, it's warm. I was shocked myself this morning; I had no intentions of joining the dog swimming. It snowed up here in mid-May last year!! It should be a good summer if you're planning to visit your cabin on the lake.
ha, i've never actually been in the airport. they just land the tiny plane. open the door, let like, 1 or 2 people off, then close the door. then they start up the propeller, and off we go:-) it's pretty funny.
see- you folks are from the Wrong Parts of Michigan; you need to be not from the mitten area ( & don't Wisconsian's do the same close-fingered mitten sort of salute too sometimes?) but from the 'Ocean of the Midwest'parts, so I won't feel so left out here . = sniiiff=
but that's ok, bc y'all are great regardless!
if I say 'Cassopolis, or New Buffalo' do any bells ring w/ anyone? those are places in MI I spent time in frequently growing up. pretty state.

found out there's a book on my hometown, called
' the LaPortebook'(.com) in IN and it's all about a bunch of old black & white photo's found boxed up in a diner. am Very excited about it, bc tho I haven't gotten my hot little hands on it yet, feel fairly certain there are shots of family in it as the photographer was a local man that everyone went to back in the 50-60's.
the author is the guy who does the Found zine I think.
sorry to be o/t!

ok, for today's quandry..
am planning on trying a book group that meets at barnes and noble.. but I don't have any info on what they are reading beside it's a women's studies thing, there's no # or contact name listed.
- this might be a no-brainer, but do I call the store to find out? just go blind into it (my current plan) to sort of scope things out before committing myself? they'd let me do that right? hang out? and who knows, it might be something I've already read!
their women's studies section is pretty impressive to me, even tho it's not very big.
am thinking it will then attract like-minded women to the group?
there's a tiny chance I might run into my ex bff, bc I know that's "her store" and I have once before after I told her to not call me anymore, but then, I run that chance every time I go there anyway. it's the best bookstore for a 50 ml radius so I have no choice. I still kinda skulk around there, turning corners cautiously. but her loss is Her Loss however, it would still rattle me all the same. I hate that 2 full years later, I still don't feel totally recovered from her loss and haven't met anyone else even remotely as fun or intelligent as she was.
why do the best ones always end up being mentally unstable?
no bookclub. apparently, it broke up about 6 months ago due to lack of interest, and was still listed on their website bc it's not managed locally, but by their corporate office and never taken down.
I had something near to panic attacks just driving there and getting in the door; I had to walk in, grab the nearest book, pretend to be engrossed in it ( was a book on modern women's etiquette & Social How To's ironically enough)before I even had the nerve to look around and approach the help desk to ask. you'd swear I've never interacted w/people before for all the emotional turmoil.

I live in such a wasteland.
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