Aug 6 2007, 02:14 PM
sometimes I honest to gosh think it's pure inertia that keeps me from going out in sit's like that.
like today, it's
that I keep thinking about blowing off this thing tonight.
it's one of those DYI classes at a home improvment stores, this one on closet organization, and the class I took a few years ago on faux paint techniques was fun so I'm going.
and I'm not going to call my neighbor who I had asked to go w/ me, bc she didn't seem all that enthused and I am old enough and honest think I maybe prefer to go alone; like it's one of those forced growth things you know you need to do sometimes.
either way, it's only an hour out of my life!
sometimes I have this really weird thing about getting Off the phone, like it's awkward to hang up so you end up staying on a whole lot longer.
Aug 7 2007, 09:05 AM
edie, i have an awful time with first impressions. i can never get a good read on someone right away - it takes hanging out with them a handful of times before i know if they are someone i like or not. i think other people are the same way with me. i also hate long goodbyes, where you stand there on the sidewalk for a while before deciding who is going where and being all "so, see you tomorrow" and stuff.
i tried to do this before, but since i just moved to a new city i am going to accept EVERY invitation i get. EVERY ONE. no excuses. i'll let you all know how it goes...
Aug 14 2007, 06:53 PM
Lauren, from your stories in the crush thread, it sounds like your idea to accept lots of invitations has worked out very well for you!
I hate searching for jobs. I need the money so I can get my own place in Queens and have a steady job, but since I don't have any friends who I can rely on to stay with, I'm staying with my grandma, an hour and a half from NYC, so I hang out there during the day, but not at night, because trains are infrequent and I hate waiting for them. I miss living in NYC and going out a lot and making myself be social. Now I feel lonely and sick of trying to make everything happen for me and not having much of a social life, save for hanging out with my brother and his friends in Brooklyn last month. I talk to a cool guy through IMing, but we can only meet after he's done with work, and unless I can stay with my brother, I don't want to wait for some infrequent late night train. I just want to get money and feel more financially independent and be more social and go out to places around the city.
Also, my body feels like crap. I work out almost every day and don't eat a lot, but my stomach gets bloated out and makes me feel heavier. I've been drinking tea and trying to get better. This has been like this since I got to my grandma's in June, mostly due to feeling uncomfortable and somewhere where I don't want to be for a long period of time. I want to get out so I can feel better and my body can get back to feeling better. It's a mind/body thing that is hard to help sometimes.
Aug 15 2007, 09:34 AM
*new job and new apartment vibes for anna* seems like you have been working really hard on this for a while. i hope it works out soon.
i accepted an invitation to a hardcore show tonight, not too sure about that one. it's all ages, so i'm thinking we will be the oldest people there. i am also getting brunch with the midwestern mamas on sunday, and have plans to meet up with a friend of a friend and his wife for drinks soon. will the midwest rid me of my social ineptness???
Aug 24 2007, 03:56 PM
I haven't posted in here for awhile....
catlady, I think we are all our own worst enemies from time to time. I know I tend to over think things and send myself into a frenzy all the time.
Anna, good luck with your job search!! Hunting for a job is pure hell, sometimes.
laura, I went to an all ages punk show a few years ago and the hubby and I were seriously the oldest people there. It sucked, big time. I felt really out of place, but then the bands were all awful, and not my prefered style of punk...so that didn't help. But I say go and check it out, if you aren't
feeling it just leave early.
freckle, I hate ending phone calls, too. But then I hate phone calls in general, they are so awkward for me, unless I know the person really well.
I am so happy!! The hubby and I have been trying to be more social, so I called some acquaintances and asked them to meet us for dinner yesterday. Dragged my shy best friend along, b/c she hadn't met the ladies I invited and it went great! We went to this awesome local micro-brewery that also has incredible food, and we had great conversation. The two ladies that were just acquaintances were psyched that I called, and we have already made plans to hang out again. I could really see myself being eventually being close friends with them, so I am just thrilled! I feel much less inept, right now.
Aug 24 2007, 05:19 PM
ran into my ex bff that I had been in contact again w/ (after a almost 5 yr break from- she flaked out on me & just sort of Disappeared, her choice, left me totally confused and hurt beyond beliefe & took years to "get over"/make peace with.) but then she flaked on me again This most Recent Time bc when she suggested we get out girls together (they had also been bff's) I said No, on the premise I didn't want my frecklette hurt again, and that apparently set her off and she once more, disappeared on me again.
so today, ran almost smack dab into her at the dr's.
was akward for a minute, then I walked over to her, said how are you doing, she said she liked my hair, etc etc. compared notes on the mr's career's and her's is retiring whereas mine (several yrs younger) is getting promoted and we're planning a party for it (something she was notororious for doing well).
and so we exchanged #'s, again.
she said ' the last time you just never called me back" but that's not true, bc we were still just emailing once again but I let it go. you know?
I think I'm going to call her.
it didn't rattle me to see her (tho I know I am adjitated now as I replay it in my head) and even the mr said I was cool.
I also think it's bc she said they are moving in a few months, makes it easier if things don't pan out again.
we were only "close" for a few years, but in that time we burned like haile bop comet.
so much damn history.
so many times I've wanted to talk to her, ask her advice, tell her a particular reference that I knew would crack Her & Only her up.
the question is... while I know I have grown and matured sinse then, am I strong enough to really & trully handle her again ?
when things ended, I went into a depression so bad I told people my best friend had died.
and I also don't know if I'll let my frecklette see her daughter again either.
I spoke w/ frecklette about it, all of it, and she said she thought she could handle it, and this is a great opportunity to let her learn about friendships.
what do you all think?
am I about to make a heinous mistake bc I tend to measure all friendships by the unrealistic ruler that was she & I ? I almost feel as if that relationship did really spoil me for meeting others; we had such an instant bond that lasted that no one new compares to what all we shared.
we're having diner at my friend's house tomorrow night! (the ones that moved here)
Aug 27 2007, 04:45 PM
so true rudderless, so very much true!
she & I met up at like-times in our tours here w/ our career mr's (sgt's)s both very huah and hard-charging while we both worked w/ their soldier's family's in leadership positions; (there are "wars" fought here that civ's will never know about, let alone understand!
a lot in common beyond the ptsd to be sure.
thanks for your words, they were right on target.
I called her today, but used caller i.d. block to see if she'd pick up; she didn't.
she always screens. did leave a message tho " it's me and I'm actually calling; I know it was a little weird to run into each other the other day, but this is my # so call if you want to talk."
my version of low key & " cool" ?
our relationship was, if I am totally honest, probably not all that emotionally healthy, even though it took me years and years to see into it for what it was. that said, there's never been anyone else I've ever had as much fun with and I'm not sorry for missing it; who else will go w/ you to try on formal wear just for kicks?
perspective is everything; if she does call, as long as I can maintain that, as rudderless said, I will probably be ok.
dinner at our friends the other night was a great time.
the men finally sealed the transition from former co workers to friends I think, and it was a wonderful evening, finished off w/ cake!
I am attempting another forray into the social world by going to a volunteer meeting next week;
I am rather loathe to get back into it, but as I cannot find a job there really isn't any other way to meet people.
fyi: I totally bailed on that dyi workshop at the last minute the other week.
nerves are a terrible thing.
Aug 28 2007, 12:05 PM
== I'm a thread hog & I am terribly sorry everyone.==
she called, but this I was out.
she left a nice message, a good message, saying she'll try to call back on thurs but her mother is visiting right now & so I emailed her & let her know I wasn't screening & I hope she does.
...hers was one of the most signifigant & emotionally fraught relationship of my "adult" life.
I don't want to fuck this up, which right there tells me I'm Already losing perspective & this is probably a Bad Idea.
I need to meet new people immediately!!!
Sep 2 2007, 03:16 AM
in answer to the thread question... yes. quite.
i used to be a bartender. at clubs. i used to have personality.
now i'm like what's the point. i dont really want to know or talk to people who dont feel it. you know, the struggle. IT.
so i'm like this loser who has a bad attitude now sure i'm nice but have nothing to talk to people about anymore.
and i dont want to invite them into my life. so instead i'm an introvert. i'm an outcast. i'm anti social. a freak geek and weirdo.
and to some degree it bugs me because i'm like god why cant i just be this outgoing happy little person?
then i answer myself with because happiness isnt always what i want and flowers and sunshine are simplistic and not enduring.
but then i'm like what's the point of being this miserable person either?
i love and hate people just about as much as i love and hate myself. it changes every day.
i just want respect, you know?
i just want to be a real live human being with all my flaws and insecurities and not try to pretend everything is peachy keen. and i want to attract people who share those beliefs.
Sep 2 2007, 08:07 PM
knorlo: your honesty reaches far inside me like nothing has in a while. yeah, I guess I am sick of all of the pretending and acting like everything is cool, cool when it's not much of the time. And I have a difficult time pretending, it makes me feel a bit insincere and see others as that as well. I feel that in order to have friends, I have to hide a huge part of myself / my feelings ... because anytime I've shown any of my concerns IT tends to repel people. It's like the people I come into contact with are all in denial or they don't want to think about it or something. ? Also I thought your post to be a very eloquent expression. Anyway, I hear ya.
Sep 4 2007, 01:55 PM
I was feeling seriously anti-social this weekend. I turned my phone off, rented a bunch of movies, and ignored the world.
My best friend left a message on my voicemail, wondering if I was mad at her since I haven't answered her calls. And I am not at all, but I need a little break from her. I love her death but we tend to be incredibly different, and when we are around each too much, I wonder why were are friends. I hope that makes sense. She is into clubbing, radio music, and not much else really. Where as I am into little dive bars were you can sit and chat, punk shows, and well tons of stuff. So I feel bad if I drag her some place and she is really not into the scene, or if she wants to take me somewhere she is excited about and I say no. It's a complicated friendship.
Sep 5 2007, 01:59 AM
i am jan: yes totally. especially this: "And I have a difficult time pretending, it makes me feel a bit insincere and see others as that as well." but then sometimes i have to remind myself that maybe they are just being nice. and that i need to let up on people sometimes and not be so cynical. at the same time, i figure what's it really hurt. if i'm not in the mood i'm not in the mood. i'll show manners for my own sake but not much else. getting to this point has actually cut out a lot of bullshit so it's kind of the way i prefer it, at least for now. and besides.. i've decided.. if i am this way, there are others who are this way too, and i'd just rather extend myself to them than those who are not this way. i've dealt with the ones not willing or capable of going there. the ones who are in denial or who simply dont know. and so i realized, yeah, i dont really want to talk on their level either. so it's mutual. thanks for the concurrence
ginger kitty: i completely understand. it's not about her, it's about your feelings. i do the same thing some days, some weekends.. i just dont want to be bothered. i enjoy my solitude. and it is just too difficult sometimes making conversation when you're brain and body are feeling more introverted than not. the way i see it is that it's much better i keep to myself than risk being a disinterested friend who could potentially create undue tension. hopefully she understands it's just a part of your nature and that she doesnt take it personal.
Sep 5 2007, 09:16 AM
knorl & jan- it's that whole "pretending thing" I just can't do anymore.
a friend & I were discussing it, the.. "slices of me" that you often have to present to people.
sometimes that's ok, but when you are holding back much more than you are "giving" it becomes way too much work. that's just my 'I hate people in general right now' opinion though, so pay no attention at all!
ex bff & I are "talking"... emailing.. tentative plans to meet for lunch next monday...
I think we're finally ready to look at everything in the past and talk about it so we can be friends again;
at least I hope she's ready. we have such huge history, a lot of it really shitty co-dependant stupid stuff, but it's been 7 years now. we both know we're not the same people now but yet, it's seeming as if that thread of friendship, that spark of ' I get you' might still be there.
we will see.
went to the volunteer meeting last night.
felt like I talked too much as I tend to do when nervous, but also know I contributed bc one of my ideas is being used. (women's self-defense, taught situationally, like "in the parking lot" or 'at the atm')
didn't stay to chit chat bc I felt I'd said enough and felt some clicky vibe, but did feel a lot of them women were nicer than I expected.
sunday is another mr's work-related party; repeat of one from last year.
this year's strategy is to sneak in wein coolers (the men have beer, why not?), find a quiet corner and smile vaguely as appropriate.
Sep 10 2007, 08:15 AM
= I'm a thread hog here. =
the party yesterday was o k !
only 3 of us spouses hung out, but the hostess banished the guys to their "man room" to watch the game & the 3 of us hung out & talked & nibbled all afternoon, which was a lot better than last year where there was game noise & men w/ beer behaving beastly.
am glad I went now.
today, soon actually, is lunch w/ ex bff.
I Know this is probably a bad idea.
but I'm going anyway.
she & I both expressed in emails that we both still have a lot of of the social phobias we'd had before, that the little voices in our heads were just as noisy as ever,, and to be w/ someone that understands this, and gets us, worth another shot maybe.
I have a question here for everyone.. cliques: helpful or harmful
Sep 10 2007, 02:14 PM
oink oink oink, but I have to share:
lunch was good.
dare I say Better than good?
we talked,laughed, cried and apologised, and I think I have a best friend again...
Sep 11 2007, 01:14 AM
cliques: helpful or harmful?
n. A small exclusive group of friends or associates.
it really depends on what the club/group hopes to accomplish. if it's full of nasty petty gossipy bitches, i'm gonna say harmful. but if it's full of thoughtful empathetic supportive women, i'm going to have to say helpful.
there's nothing wrong with having a small group of people whom you can confide in, in fact i think it's actually quite healthy. if you have that opportunity (because not everyone does) i'd say take advantage of it.. you're very fortunate.
Sep 11 2007, 02:44 PM
I asked about cliques (more opinions/discussion welcome please ) bc I observed some "in action" at the meeting I attended last week. I think it's interesting, in a social anthropology kind of way, to observe the affect they can have on larger groups.
like, 1 two-some in particular is what I would deem as very "strong" (alpha) and they attempted to dominate the larger group as a whole (in my mind I refer to the non-clique members as "herd") but happily, the group was full of 'non conformists' (such as I so far deem myself as I have yet to make any 'alliances' there, but do anticipate & seek to do so) and no one paid them any type of special attention.
it was great to see that happening as they were pretty obnoxious.
I don't know why I am so interested in this right now.. maybe bc I am starting fresh in this group and know I will probably in time become One Of Them but right now the perspective is clearer and it's crazi to see how obvious some motivations are. for someone as emotional as I am, to be able to be so analytical and removed is pretty cool.
it is also making me look back at certain friendships I've had w/in groups and realise I've been guilty of less than ideal behavior too. reality check!
Sep 11 2007, 03:47 PM
Interesting when I think about cliques, I don't embrace the word. It really does hold a negative image in my head. But thinking back, and well even now at work, I have been a part of cliques. When I think about it, at work for instance, my buddies and I set and the same table everyday on our breaks, sometimes have potlucks just amoungst ourselves, and don't exactly make new people feel welcome.(part of that maybe that people come and go often where I work, so some of us from that have been there longer stick together) And although we have never meant to make anyone feel unwelcome or seem intimidating, I guess we probably have. Which seems odd, because though I have had cliques in my life I often/always feel like an outsider looking in. Even in the groups of people I have hung out with, I have still felt very different from others in the groups if that makes sense.
But I can't really think of time where any group I have hung out with was intentionally malicious towards anyone or bullied anyone. And since I stay away from catty people as a rule, I have never thought of my crowds as mean or anything. I hope that all makes sense.
Sep 12 2007, 08:44 AM
it all makes perfect sense ginger.
and yah, I totally agree, the very word clique denotes a negative over-all, but despite that, I don't necc think they are entirely bad.
it's how we align and define ourselves w/in a society, pecking order and all that.
I think that once we become GrownUp's we're not as aware of still doing it, the same we are when we are, say in high school or the like.
it's going to be interesting to see how my interaction with this group plays out...
I Know I'm very alpha, especially w/in a group situation, and it's funny bc though I didn't stick around to speak or chitchat w/ anyone (bc internally I was still feeling wildly insecure & like a blabbermouth & felt a desperate
& panicky need to escape) on a call list that was just put out, I went from being left off it completly last time, to 3rd on it from the top.
- will one of the strong cliques try to recruite me or will they do as cliques are notoriously thought to do, and make me look bad and try to run me off?
from this angle, this oughta be a good show. = evil laugh=
Sep 15 2007, 08:30 AM
= jumps up & down= I met a cool woman at a kids birthday party yesterday.. and we exchanged #'s and everything!
turns out we'd both been stationed at the same tiny base in germany around the same time even, but as far as we can determine, never crossed paths.
I AM going to call her,maybe next week.
and the other crazi ex /not ex bff drama, and the group dynamic thing, whatever.
Sep 18 2007, 08:02 AM
I guess this is as good a place to put this question as any other (unless someone knows where this was discussed in the Board before and can link me?) Okay. I'm at a point in life where I realize I'm depressed or something, always have been as long as I can remember so I never thought it was that big a deal until everyone I know started being diagnosed with depression/anxiety/bi-polar/OCD/mania/whatever else, going to the doctor and getting themselves put on meds. I have always just sort of tried to work through life as best I can, keep my life simple so I don't have to deal with unnecessary stress, read uplifting books, try to find happiness in hobbies, etc. However, my probs are definitely getting worse, I feel worse. I'm actually starting to consider taking pills. But here's my problem: I know that a lot of my bad feelings come from environment/life. Examples, NO ONE is perfect...NO ONE is perfectly happy (shite, as I said, it seems doctors are writing out prescriptions for EVERYBODY these days). Secondly, most of my probs come from a terrible childhood. A pill just seems like a bandaid to me for a problem that's not just on the surface. Finally, my probs also come from the world being imperfect; much of the time not a fun place to live, what with Americans having to work most of their time and always be rushing, tired, stressed, not making enough money, ads deliberately making you feel bad about yourself and not good enough...so here's my question: why should *I* take pills when a lot of my probs are caused by the world around me? It seems to me that doctors are just numbing people so they'll go along with whatever those with the money require they do, etc. At the same time, I know I may be helped by some pills. I just can't figure this out. I really don't want to give in to the doctors and drug co.'s because I feel they are evil in many instances. Has anyone else had these same feelings and managed to work through them or come to some conclusion? I'll probably post this in the depression thread as well but I thought I'd really also like the opinion of many of you, who seem to maybe be dealing with some of the same issues as I am, but without meds. ?
Sep 18 2007, 06:41 PM
iamjan- i don't have time for a full post but i do want to say that medications, be they prescription or over the counter meds shouldn't necessarily be viewed as a band-aid for the real problem in the sense that it's covering up the real problem. they're more like a band-aid that covers the sensitive parts until they're healed enough on their own to be exposed to the elements again.
too metaphor-y? i guess what i'm trying to say is that they don't mean you're weak, or that you're numbing yourself. they're there as a temporary (if not a prolonged "temporary") measure to help you get to the point where you can tackle the real problem.
sorry for the clunky explanation, when i'm less sleep-deprived maybe i'll be a little more coherent.
Sep 18 2007, 08:47 PM
crazyolcat: Right, okay I see what you're saying. Like the meds can help a person get to a place where they are not fueling the fires of the old probs by thinking of them all the time, or compound them by negative thinking. Thanks, that was something that I hadn't thought of ... will help me as I sort things out.
Sep 20 2007, 05:10 PM
I am jan--I know what you mean. The world is a crazy place. Especially since a lot of us try to find personal solutions to political/social problems. The world will never be perfect, noone has a perfect life. The way I deal with it is to find a niche in life. Art helps me. It helps to have a couple friends that you can really relate to. You kind of have to create your own world within the world if that makes any sense. It's like that saying on those bumper stickers--it's kind of true-"I'm in my own world, but they know me here." I think we all need to be sort of imaginative to stay sane in this place. My problem, is that I often feel alienated. I wish I had more people I could relate to. Sometimes it feels as if everyone is so seperate.
Sep 21 2007, 06:00 AM
good word for us here.
socially alienated. often by choice though I think, bc our standards (mine) are higher than what can or are realistically met sometimes, and so I'd rather go without.
( & Silverhalide I'm w/ you, I take much comfort in Art when the world becomes too skewed.)
((((jan))))) I don't have any words sweetie, but felt your meaning all the same.
exx bff has invited me N the girlchild to spend x-mas eve w/ them already, sinse she knows my mr will be away & we will otherwise probably be alone.
too early to decide yet though, as generous as the invitation is.
am still proceding w. slow caution.
tonight is a big bi- annual meeting. the last time I went to it, I was in such extreme panic I literally would NOT let the mr (who didn't actually have to be there) get up from my side and he got pissy which only stessed me more.
tonight though, I am so- much- cooler!
yes I'm still a tiny bit anxious, but now I know that while I will probably recognize a few faces, I am still very much a 'party of one' and think I am o k w/ that.
personal evolution and small victory!
Sep 28 2007, 04:53 PM
My best friend has been so clingy lately!!! And really she is not my best friend, more like my closest friend. I consider my husband to be my best friend, because we know everything about each other, and he is the only person I always feel comfortable with, and am completely myself around. Only he knows how goofy I truly I am.
But anyway she has been very needy, and it's been making want to pull away from her. I feel guilty, but she has been calling almost everyday, even if she has nothing to talk about, and I hate talking on the phone. I have been not answering the phone sometimes when she calls, which she'll bring up when we do talk, kind of accusing me of ignoring her. I hate to sound cold but I have realized lately that she bores me, and I find it hard to talk to her. She's very indifferent about everything, and doesn't really have any passions, which I find odd.
This is so classically like me, I bitch and moan about not having many friends, then I complain about the ones I have. I am probably a doomed never to have a close circle of friends.
Oct 2 2007, 11:38 AM
I can relate to that, ginger. I don't have friends, but most of the people I meet irritate me so I don't know if I want to be their friend.
Alienated, yeah, that sounds about right. I'm sure there are people out there, but sheesh, they seem to be hiding themselves pretty well.
Saturday one of my old coworkers, one I tried to strike up a friendship with earlier this year, called me up and wanted to hang out. I was busy that night and told her we could hang out Monday, because that was her day off. Apparently she has a really controlling husband, because she called yesterday and asked if we could make plans for another night because "her husband would get pissed off if she went out." I tried to tell her that she needed to stand up to him, but eventually decided to meet up with her later on this week after her shift at work, on a night when I don't have to be at work the next day. She's a nice person, and hopefully things will work out this time. I just didn't feel comfortable with the problems with her husband last time, plus she seemed to want to set me up with someone, when I'm perfectly fine with not having a love life right now. I just want friends, not lovers.
Oct 17 2007, 09:06 PM
I hate it when loneliness eats at me. It can get into my head and make me feel like an ugly hermit. I have to keep working every day to make my life worthwhile, and make the best of what I've got. I want to have more friends and better relationships, but don't want to feel needy or desperate, turning people off. I worked as a temp for two weeks at TV Guide, and got along with my co-worker, but didn't want to hang out outside of work, we were just casual with each other since we didn't have anyone else to talk to. I definetly don't want to be like your friend, ginger.
I like it when I can build intimate relationships with people, especially with unusual people who I grow to like. Like at my former college, where I acted in two plays, and became friends with a guy who was quiet with a wry sense of humor. We got along great. Or having a great girl friend to hang out with and feel special with. I know it can happen, I just haven't been around people my age long enough to build that, just getting turned off by girls who talk like girly teenagers and feeling shy and weird.
Everything has been work. I work as a temp and am going for a job interview tomorrow for Barnes & Noble. I am finishing college with one class. I need to start taking a dance or martial arts class to be more physical and alive and meet more people. I am looking for a gastroentomologist with my new health insurance because I have stomach troubles. I think about dating, to be more romantic and sensual, but I haven't felt sexy or beautiful lately, and don't get attracted to guys too easily.
I felt better today watching the film Trust. I had seen it several years earlier, and was in awe of its humanity and honesty. It was made in Long Island, where I'm from, so it felt more real and close to home for me. Watching it made me feel more happier and not as alone.
Oct 21 2007, 01:04 PM
Wow, I can really relate to this topic. I often feel alone and isolated, yet when the phone rings and its one of my friends that I've not really really close to, I feel inconvenienced. I hate this about myself. I always end of having a good time once we actually hang out, but its like pulling teeth to get myself to do it. I shouldn't be so selective in who I spend time with.
On the other hand, when I am feeling especially social, I often feel snubbed by people. Like if some people from class and I get along really great, and I try and orchestrate some kind of event, everyone is so non-committal, that I get frustrated and feel like no one really wants to spend time with me. I complain a lot about this to my boyfriend, but obviously he can't make friends for me....I think I need to just develop my own hobbies and not put so much stock into what everyone else is doing.
Oct 22 2007, 11:23 AM
almost the only people who call my house anymore is telemarketers. it feels like that is a direct indication of how badly I suck.
I know a lot here don't like the phone, but I do, and it's kinda lonely.
although, the girl child & I have been a lot more social sinse the mr left; we've met friends for lunch a few times and had people over for dinner and movies too, so I guess it's not as bad as it seems right at this moment. (where I just beseached a telemarketer to please -stop- calling.)
things w/ ex bff are so/so.
we did get our girls together for lunch a few weeks ago, and they got along fine, but frecklette also realised that aside from catching up, they really don't have a lot in common anymore.
and I think that's how I feel about ex bff too; that inital spark we both felt at the first lunch has been absent sinse then. we are at different places in our lives-- mainly she kept breeding after we parted and now has 2 much younger children in addition to her older girl; I still have a real dislike for ankle biters and make no apologies for it.
I don't know, I guess she was always my milestone for a great friendship and on some level always wanted it back, but now I think I'm seeing realistically, even if it's offered, you really Can't ever go back and it be the same. you can try, or accept that it's a more modern incarnation, but it's not the same, not really. she & I were once darn near everything to each other and now it's just sort of, ordinary.
I think the choice will come to let it go and make genuine peace or accept it as it is now, minus the bells and whistles.
it's a sad place to know that choice is coming and I wish it didn't mean so much to me.
Oct 25 2007, 11:23 PM
I made appointments on meetup.com to meet new people, to watch movies and discuss them. I also want to take a kickboxing class this weekend.
Oct 26 2007, 04:36 AM
I just found a meetup.com that finally sounds promising but can't go on the date they are 1st getting together. I hope yours goes well and you'll tell us about it?
I joined a health club this week and tried kick boxing ( & Yoga + some other stuff) for the first time yesterday.
probably a pure class will be different/better than a workout class bc I was a little disappointed.
the instructor didn't go over the moves we'd be doing before class started and I never really knew if I was doing them right.
again, a pure class will probably be better.
have a fantastic time!!!
Nov 3 2007, 08:01 AM
Wow, I feel much better reading all these posts, and I find pieces of me in all of them. I'm generally antisocial, but complain I don't have have any friends, I work alone too, just me and the mr in the entire building. Would be great if it was a different job though and it's only 3 hours a day, so I need to find something else, but I'm too scared to talk to people and apply for anything. I'm trying to find a club or class or something to get out more but haven't found anything that doesn't cost too much. I really should go back to school.
Nov 3 2007, 08:09 PM
Would love to know how everybodys meetup.com group go.
Nov 3 2007, 09:21 PM
Nobody scheduled a place to meet, so I couldn't go. But there's a film meetup next week that I'm going to go to.
Nov 4 2007, 07:26 PM
Freckle, if it's any consolation, I don't even get telemarketers calling me.
I signed up for a vegetarian meetup group a while ago but only attended one. Usually the restaurants don't sound interesting, or the place is too far away, or I have other things planned for that night. Last night I could have gone to one in my town, but I ended up taking a very long nap and baked a coffee cake instead. I keep on thinking I should sign up for a couple others, but never get around to it.
Fortunately, yesterday morning I volunteered to find archaeological sites at a local wilderness area, and that was fun. I had a good time, talked to a bunch of people, and the leader of the group seemed very nice, but I acted like a doofus when we were saying goodbye, and told him I wasn't sure if I could come out next weekend, which seemed to disappoint him. I like meeting people in the field I want to go into, but half the time I get flustered and say the wrong thing, especially if it's someone who might help me in the future for a job or a reference. I want to make a good impression, maybe even cultivate some friendships, but that's not going to happen if I keep on tripping over my words.
Nov 10 2007, 10:26 PM
I was feeling depressed, feeling low about being lonely and dreading finding groups on meetup.com. I called my mom, and she knocked some sense into me, saying that I would have to make changes, and not gripe about how other people find friends so easily or meet people through their preexisting friends. I'm going to church tomorrow to attend Mass and look at local volunteer opportunities, as well as finding groups on meetup.com for writers and volunteering, whether it's buying a $30 Thanksgiving dinner for someone or working with NABUUR to assist people. It's about meeting people, doing worthwhile work, not feeling sorry for myself, and moving forward in my life.
Nov 13 2007, 05:44 PM
Last night I met up with a group, The NYC Global Neighbors Volunteer Meetup Group, for people interesting in volunteering for charities and organizations. I'm interested in doing volunteer work for homeless charities, promoting literacy, and protecting the environment. I've been looking for jobs on Idealist.org, applying to work as a tutor for high school students. I just have more free time now that I'm trying to find a job, and want to meet new people and do something good.
I also signed up with other meetup groups for film buffs and NYC writers.
Dec 2 2007, 04:39 PM
I am excited but nervous, next weekend the mister and I are going out of town with a couple. He works with my hubby and we have hung out a few times, but I'm still worried about the roadtrip. Hope everything goes well.
My bestfriend has a new boyfriend, so we have been hanging out more. It's great to actually hang out with other couples, most people we know are single.
Anna, I have considered searching for a local writer's group. But part of me is so nervous about sharing my writing with others, and being critiqued. Then again, I see a lot of positives about it too.
Let us know how it goes, maybe you'll help give me the courage to try one out.
Dec 5 2007, 12:46 PM
ginger, that is so great!
I'd ask where you are going (you're in IN yes? my homestate) but you probly don't want to say out loud here. I just hope you have a *wonderful* time !!
the other couple might be feeling the same way you are too, a little apprehensive, so just roll w/ it and worst case scenario, make an excuse for "alone time" w/ your mr and do your own thing for awhile.
but on the high side, you might make some really great new friends and how terrific would That be?
I will think most hopeful thoughts for you for a fabulous time !
the mr & I are going on another work sponsored marriage retreat in a few months again.. we've heard to the mountains up in W VA, but we really don't care where to, as long as we are alone
. (maud but I miss that man!) last time we too were nervous about 'making friends' and who we'd hang out with but it worked itself out and we did ok. sinse then though, we haven't hung w/any of the people we did there, but that's ok too.
I tried a local writers group here a few months ago.. excuse me for saying this but.. MAJOR WEIRDOS.
ugh. nice enough, but not people I'd ever hang w/ or seek out. am thinking groups like that just aren't for me maybe, but it's only occassionally that I get a great burst of need to be social like that anyway, and it passes after awhile.
Dec 7 2007, 09:04 PM
anne K- What's meetup.com like? good,bad etc...
Dec 7 2007, 09:34 PM
It's OK. The people I've met are fine, a mixed bag.
Dec 9 2007, 10:58 AM
Hi Busties. I used to hang out in the Socially Inept Dork forum years ago. I left Bust when the format changed, but I'm back. I haven't really shed my social ineptness yet. I've looked at the Meetup thing and I'm really curious how it goes. Unfortunately, I'd have to drive over an hour to get to a city that has one - and I don't need more long-distance friends.
This week's social crisis: A friend invited me to the bar to hang out with a bunch of our mutual acquaintences. I have this THING about being on time, so I was. Nobody else was, and I honestly don't know how to hang out in a bar by myself. I've never done it, and the idea really freaks me out. I have this fear that everybody else in the bar will stare at the girl who is such a loser that she's alone in a bar. I called my friend and left him a message saying that I'd walk around downtown and check back in a while. They still weren't there later, and another friend called me to say she and her husband weren't coming out.
On the way home, I bumped into an acquaintance, S, who I'd really like to be friends with. We walked together for a few blocks, then ran into my ex-boyfriend CJ outside of his apartment (it's a small town, so none of this is surprising). The three of us shot the shit together for a few minutes, but then S had to split to meet her mom for dinner. I was kind of in a bind - I didn't want to burden S or CJ with my presence. I ended up following S, but it turns out that her mom lives two doors down from CJ (small town). It was a very abrupt parting, and I kept walking, feeling like she was glad to be rid of me.
I went back to talk with CJ, and it was ok for a while. But he was getting his snow machines ready to take out in the field on Monday, so he was messing with them the whole time. Eventually, he stopped and said "I've got to make a mental list - gimme a minute", at which point I excused myself, wished him a good field season, and left.
So I got home, feeling like I'd been ditched by everybody in town. The friend at the bar eventually called. But I was so dejected at that point that I took a few sleeping pills (which I only do on rare occasions when I know I need to short-circuit self-destructive thoughts) and rolled into bed with my self-pity. Sigh.
Dec 9 2007, 02:10 PM
obelix2, it totally doesn't sound like any of that was your
fault, you have friends who can't tell time!
and I'm w/ you about being alone in a bar, not my scene at all. am always (like it ever happens!) afraid I am giving off the vibe of 'out of her element woman alone' rather than ' comfy in my own skin/leave me alone' like I wish I could.
I think what you did, calling your friends and telling them you were going to walk around and would be there in a bit was cool- made you seem decidedly blaise' about it, so kudos to you for your own coolness, even if it was a front.
as to the other encounters you had that night, what of them?
you ran into some people you knew, spoke.hung out for a few, moved on. it's not as if your friends Ditched you, bc they didn't, not at all, and to the people you saw it probly only registers w/ them in the ' oh I ran into so & so last night.. she's doing good.. was meeting some friends for drinks..' way.
please don't be so hard on yourself, I think you handled it way better than you realise.
Dec 10 2007, 09:58 PM
Thanks, it helps to get a reality check. I'm trying to be more realistic about it now. I have friends, and there will be other weekends to hang out with them.
Dec 13 2007, 05:55 PM
obelix, I am so not down with hanging out in bars alone, it just seems risky to me. But really, it just sounds like you were let down by the way things happened. I have been there, in my head if I make plans I hope everything will be wonderful and perfect, but they rarely are.
Our day trip, was really great. We went up to Chicago, checked out the Sears Tower, the Science and Industry Museum, a couple resturants, and went to the Cheesecake Factory. I'm such a worrier, everything was really fine and we are all going to go again in the summer to check out Navy Pier and warm weather stuff like that. I don't know why I freak out about stuff.
Now I just have to mentally prepare for a wedding next weekend. It's inlaws, and I'm really happy for the couple getting married, but nervous about the a seeing a few of my in-laws. I haven't spoken to my SIL for two years even though we live in the same town, and the thought of seeing her makes me cringe.
Dec 15 2007, 07:25 PM
I tried to find new things to do tonight. Last night I answered Craigslist ads for women looking for new female friends, as well as a few hook-up ads, then didn't feel like fooling around with any strangers. I got one response from a guy, but when I said I wasn't in the mood for hooking up right away he wrote, "Lol, you're a waste." I just saw on Bust's home page of some events going on, but it's 32 degrees and I don't feel like getting out of Astoria to trek somewhere in Manhattan, I already feel cold in my home.
I signed up with more meetup groups. I haven't gone to much, as I've been taking dance classes at the gym and would do those instead of film meetup clubs, but found one for volunteering in a soup kitchen next Saturday morning, as well as one group for making more female friends.
At least I can look forward to spending New Year's Eve in Chapel Hill, NC with my sister and her friend and local college kids in the bars and lounges, feeling youthful and social. I generally feel old and lonely a lot, getting temporary breaks with socializing and having fun.
Dec 18 2007, 03:36 AM
BOO!! that's all i have to say. i need to vent. i figure this is the best place to do it, since i've departed from my therapist for the time being (trying to make it on my own).
i'm a fucking loner. i've always been this way. in the past i had a ton more acquaintences than i do now, simply because it was important to me to be "cool".. to be liked.. to be involved >> a party person.. socialite.. activist.. etc. but over the past few years (especially after going through therapy) i've separated myself from many people. i've let the fuzzy connections that werent real to fade, and i've been devoting my energy toward more genuine interactions among my friends. the problem is, since i require so much more out of people than i ever have before, i find myself feeling pretty lonely. not in the way i was before.. not in the 'i feel so different from everyone else' type of lonely.. now it's in the i want MORE from people. i want them to challenge me. i want them to respect and value me. i want them to converse with me. i want them to be fucking real with me. but then to engage myself in a group setting that would be conducive to that type of interaction, i shy away. it's like i find some sort of strength in being a loner. it's as though part of my identity is wrapped up in being too different to really fit in. and although i would like to be around more people like me on that tip, the very act of doing so, would negate the whole intention.
so i find myself here. what to do what to do.
Dec 18 2007, 05:58 AM
Well here I am, back here again after a hiatus.
Spent a couple months trying to make a couple of connections and ended up shying away, completely abandoning one of the 'friendships' (?) I tried, when it turned out she was what I now call a "hardcore friend" who expected a lot.
Sorry babe, not from this loner...I just couldn't keep it up.
Find myself lonelier than ever, even with a boyfriend, but how intimate can you really get with a guy? Not very, round here.
Same as usual, crave friends, but not actually comfortable around them. Simply feel uncomfortable and unable to be my genuine self. Feels fake. Feels like a whole bunch of anxiety...not fun like it looks when I'm on the outside looking in.
I'm a loner too knorlo. A regular hermit. And it's weird ~ I have this drive for constant self-improvement even though, who's gonna notice right? Lots of books, lots of yoga, lots of music practice which I never really share with anyone. I just feel more comfortable by myself, doing my alone shite. But then the loneliness I feel is is such to drive me to tears on a consistent basis.
Dec 18 2007, 01:30 PM
I am a loner too ladies. Much more now than when I was younger. I'm content with having one or two friends (if that many). But right now, all i want is to be with my husband. He's a socialite. He loves to talk and get loud and have fun. And that just ain't me. So i'm trying to compromise when he wants to go hang out with people. He always wants me to tag along. blahhh. I do get extremely lonely sometimes when my phone doesnt ring or I don't hear from my girls. They've all moved away from here and moved on with their lives. Sometimes I want to find some new friends so that I can have someone to talk to. But when they get too close, I usually end up pushing them away.
I feel bad when the hubby wants to go spend time with his family also, and I dont want to go. He just refuses to go without me. I don't want to isolate him from his friends and family when I don't feel like being social. He has a huge family compared to mine and Im just not used to that. They're all very loud and I'm fairly subdued and quiet. Its just an uncomfortable situation.
When we got married, I didnt want anyone there but my immediate family and his. I think we had 15 guests at the most. And that was good enuff for me. All of my acquaintances asked me for invitations, however I didn't invite any of them. LOL We didn't have a reception either. We just went out to eat with our 15 folks. How sad. LOL