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so here's what you do were one of them to really actually call (good intentions being what they are and all): you set it up for one of those in-between times, like say.. drinks after work before you Have to leave bc you have such & such going on already scheduled in your very*busy* life.

if it turns out you are having a really great time, make (or fake) a phone call to be able to stay longer, otherwise you have the freedome to jet as soon as you feel the need w/ no hurt feelings.

there might be something to say for not having stayed tight w/ everyone you went to high school with.. it's called growing up & moving on and a bit of healthy skeptisism of those still really wrapped up in it.

that high school friend who found me thru the classmates site.. who was going to stop here to visit on her way to fla on a trip? once I told her I didn't have the beds to accomdate all of them w/ out at least her 2 boys having to bunk on the floor in sleeping bags, suddenly changed her plans and wasn't going to have time to stop here after all and have not heard a word sinse then.
at first I believed it was genunine situation, except that it's been more than a month and not a peep out of her. and that's ok bc I wasn't feeling all that comfortable w/ having total strangers in my home (her past was a bit on the shady side) w/ out the mr here w/ us, but all the same it still hurts a bit to know it appears as if her intent was for a free hotel and that is all.

ahh well, life is what it is.

my apprehension for my trip is my children.. human child at the friends, dog at the boarders and kitty (still limping but otherwise seems to be ok) here alone. seperation anxiety I'm sure.
anna k
Today I gave my number to a girl in one of my classes who has always been really sweet to me. She says hi to me a lot, and I find her fascinating and funny. So I gave her my number, and she called me on my voiemail and left me her number. It felt good to reach out to someone and hopefully hang out with a new person.
Hi, everyone,
I wanted to start a new topic, but it won't let me, so here goes:

Social-life advice for girls graduating from college and going into the Real World (yikes)

My situation is this: I am graduating from college in about two weeks, and I am nervous about living in a new social structure. In high school I was a loner, not because I wanted to be or even because nobody would be my friend, but because I lived in a small town where everyone sucked (basically). In college I have been either too busy or too depressed to have much of a social life. I really want to go to parties, drink, hang out with people in groups, etc.,--because the few times I've done it it's been really fun. But I feel really dorky and boring and clueless--It's a vicious cycle: If I don't do fun stuff I'll have nothing to talk about, if I have nothing to talk about I won't get invited to parties or out for drinks or whatever. If I don't have friends I won't know about any events, if I don't go to events I won't meet people. you can tell, my mind is somewhat garbled, but hopefully you know what I mean and have some advice, suggestions, etc. Thank you so much!
Rositachiquita: (NICE handle by the way ; 0

If you feel awkward or clueless out partying with a group of friends, maybe you could try having some other kind fun that doesn't involve partying in a group. I tried that for a while too looking for some 'real fun' but never could seem to find the sort of fun 'partying' as others seemed to have ; )

I have found the stuff I have to talk about with others or talk interestingly about are things I do or learn on my own and then share the details of them with others. Or, do you have a bike or some roller blades or a walking path near you? You could have some great stories to tell after a wild and crazy nature walk or bike ride with a friend or two.

But as far as being able to cut loose in a crowd or even be relaxed enough to not get totally wasted and feel okay in the morning and not do anything stupid at a bar/party, nah, not for me ; 0

It all depends on the people you wanna meet.

Think of the things you like to do or learn about and find others with those same interests. Maybe the party scene just isn't you?

Question: Looking back, did you enjoy being a loner in high school? If it ain't broke, no need to fix it. Being a loner is cool. (You seem cool. Whatever the word cool means, I mean you sound totally fine to me ; 0 )
oops? shoot, (what'd I do?)
Thanks for the advice, i_am_jan--and thanks for the words of encouragement. Especially saying I seem cool--Since you're a Bustie I know you have taste! It's really nice to get someone else's perspective.

I guess I like being a loner sometimes-I do have a habit of not returning phone calls when I'm busy--but quite often I want to go out and my best friends from college--well, one just doesn't like parties, one is always either practicing violin or talking to his long-distance girlfriend on the phone, and one lives in another state and is *shudder* married. (I mean I'm happy for her, but it's harder to get her to be irresponsible ohmy.gif )

I actually really like talking to the random people I happen to meet wherever I go--the checkout, the doctor's office--just something about a lot of experienced partyers all in one place is intimidating.

To all you other Busties: I was reading some of the archives, and thought it peculiar that so many of you consider yourselves socially inept but have boyfriends and husbands--To me finding a boyfriend is waaaay harder than finding friends (of course, there are A LOT of women at my school and not many men). I think the fact that you have good relationships is a big sign of success as a person and something to be proud of. Also, don't know if this will help at home, but I just discovered couch surfing! ( The whole point of the site is for people to make new friends while traveling, and everyone on the site raves about how great it is.

Good luck to everyone!
rosita, (incidentally, one of the many nicknames the mr has for me is mamacita tongue.gif )

I met my mr when I was working at a m a l l, thru his chain-smoking, down on his luck-no-ass-having, selling gawd-awful women's costume jewlery to makes ends meet best friend. the mr was away at college at the time, and this sweet loner had this EUREKA! moment when he realised the 2 of us would be perfect together. (he still claims that our frecklette is the "best work he's ever done" and takes full credit for her, minus the actual physical biology biggrin.gif )
it was in my very brief "party girl" time (less than 3 mo's) and was almost a reliefe to meet both of them; the rest is herstory.

..sometimes I don't necc think it's that some of us Can't make friends.. it might be more of the quality of those friendships.. people can be so damned superficial.. the older I get (mid-late 30's) the more I've realised I don't want to settle or waste my time like that anymore, if that makes sense.

= back to packing, which now includes more than 1/4th of the entire of my closet ohmy.gif =
anna k
I called up that girl, but I got her voicemail machine, which told me that her voicemail was full and "Goodbye." I also had to listen to her message to me four or five times to get down her phone number that she zipped through. I'm a bit bored tonight, going to see Air Guitar Nation later on.
the trip was FANTASTIC !!

fan-Freakin- tastic even!

at the first night's dinner, the mr & I sat ourselves at a large table alone, but were joined ( after that anticipatory 'are we going to be the ones no one sits next to?' way) by a guy/wife he works with, and then by another younger couple. the 2nd night a 3rd couple sat with us also.

we ended up hanging out w/ the 1st couple most of the night, walking down to an english pub and I had my first ( & last, it was nasty) light ale, and got very giggly and drunk from just the one drink, and the then the mr & I retired to our room while they went to the hotel club and played darts and drank more. (wires were crossed- we'd forgotten they were /we were going to do that, but they weren't alone so it was ok.)

sunday we saw some of our group at breakfast but all of us split up for our plans and met back up at dinner= and low and behold the mr & I were the "cool ones" bc we went canoeing ( & had an amazing time- laughed and clowned and loved every second) while almost everyone else went hiking. us- COOL! mark this on your calendar bc of the testosterone level of the men we were with.. and WE-Were-COOL.

and then there was much much MUCH drinking after dinner til the club bar closed at midnight, and we were up early the next day (yest) to do last minute shopping and check out to leave.

the town was so beautiful.. everything picturesque and the locals were incredibly nice too.
we walked and saw the sights and shopped and drank and did NOT want to leave there and are trying very hard to hang on to the "mountain mentality" now that we're back in shitsville.

as far as making friends... I think so maybe?
the 1st couple was really nice and the mr knows him fairly well from work.. she drinks a lot more than I which can be bad when one is a "bar scene" kind of couple and the other isn't but they have a son about frecklette's age and so maybe we could get together for a cookout or the like.

we will def plan to go to the next retreat they sponsor for us, and w/out any anxiety about clothes and things. we'll go w/ the same attitude and just chill.

and the bonus from it is that hopefully at future functions I attend for the mr's job I finally won't be quite the outsider I normally feel. small yah.

thank you all for being so sweet as I rant and rave here all the time.

Anna- has that girl returned your call yet?
she sounds great- you ought to call her again in a few days bc maybe it didn't record your # if her mailbox was full?
anna k
I get really sick of being lonely. I hung out with a friend two weeks ago, and I keep busy with work and school and pushing myself forward, but I don't have anyone to rely on as a friend. I don't know why I don't have a bunch of friends to chill with and be girly and fun with, it sucks. I hate this lonely feeling when I know all the good things about myself. It really makes me annoyed and frustrated.

I get mixed messages and want to be like other girls, girls who are cute and have a bunch of girl friends and date guys they know through their friends. I have a hard time finding guys I really like, I want to express myself sexually with someone I have more of a interest in, not just feeling bored and settling and not wanting their hands on me. It makes me feel cold and alone that I don't get turned on by a lot of men, just various ones out of my league (men in their forties and fifties, semi-famous comedians I see at comedy clubs).

I just get sick of pushing myself in my life, and not finding friends to stick around so easily, they just come in and out of my life. It's like I'm always be alone.

I always wanted to be a popular It girl, someone written about in trendy places and being cool with friends who are artists, DJs, designers, actresses, models, and just being beautiful and fabolous. It's like I was too geeky for that.

This probably won't make you feel much better, but I have to say it because it's true: I know that you are *very* interesting to read and listen to, I always look forward to reading your posts here on this board. I know others here do too. It's not much, but for those of us who are lonely, it is something.

I can totally relate though, I have a couple of friends but no one I can really connect with or feel we have anything in common ... or I could LET GO and get fun with.

But it sounds as though you laid out the things you would like to have happen in your post. If you feel it is possible for you to have those things - a couple of girly friends and a boyfriend you could express yourself sexually with - maybe the next step is thinking about what you can do (if anything, I know, I know) to open up opportunities for those things to happen. Maybe start by asking yourself: Is there any way you could let go and be vulnerable enough to let friends in? I think sometimes that's what it would take for some of us ...

Yeah, it's summer again. I'm lonely too blink.gif
anna k
A friend of mine last night gave me great advice when I was feeling lonely, since she told me I often complain about the same stuff (it's true):

"I feel lonely"
I know you are. Don't you think every other girl is having the same issues? I've mentioned over and over that I'm in the same boat, and I'm not Asperger's. Life is lonely. Life is hard. Life is not Sex and the City.
It's hard whether you're Asperger's and have a medical reason for your loneliness, or whether you're just another type of human with another type of "disorder" that holds you back. Everyone is lonely.You just don't seem to get that. Everyone is lonely. Even the girls you envy who SEEM to have it all together. They don't. They are dating a hot handsome guy who is cruel to them, have friends who treat them badly and talk about hem behind their back, are drug addicts, or parents who are assholes. They have bosses at their glamourous jobs who they hate and shite paychecks.
Walk beyond your own nose ad jealousy and what you observe (and desire to see) and start seeing reality. It's there, and it's not pretty. It's not glamourous or envious sometimes. You are, my dear, human, just like the rest of us.

She also reminded me that I'm just 23 years old, to not feel like a freak for not having a boyfriend or being sexually open, and to just concentrate on life and ignore that stuff.

I like guys when I feel comfortable with them in a friendly way and I build attraction over time, instead of right away. I like them as people, not sex objects. I also like meeting lots of people through my PR work and socializing and getting out of my head. I can run the same things over and over, and it's worthless and self-defeating.

I just got a great opportunity jobwise, and am looking forward to it, as I'll get to move around more and earn more money.
Freckle! That's soooo awesome! Congrats! I'm getting lots of vicarious happiness from your trip right now. Thanks for sharing your story of meeting Mr. Freckle, too.


I am 23, too, and it's so comforting to know that someone else my age is in the same situation. I've always wanted to be an "It Girl", too--not in the sense that I got written about or hung out with famous people, but just to hang out with artists and DJs and designers and writers... It seems to me that if you want to hang out with these people, then it is probably because you genuinely feel some kind of affinity with them--and to me that means you would have something to contribute in relationships with them. Is it possible that you have let past disappointments make you overly pessimistic and so are approaching situations in a way that makes you less successful? Just a thought. Also, it's possible that those men aren't out of your league at all. Hell, tons of men in their forties or fifties would kill to have a girlfriend in their twenties (not saying that that's all you have to offer, just that your age isn't a bad thing). Plus, maybe some these comedians are more down to earth than you think and would find it refreshing to have a friend/girlfriend who isn't in the entertainment business.

Congratulations on your new job!

I went to the senior formal dance last night and felt kind of awkward, but I'm proud of myself for going and talking to people, even though I felt INCREDIBLY shy. I felt like I should be enjoying it more, but then I heard some other people say later that it had sucked lol. I went to another party that was way better, and talked with this really nice girl that I vaguely knew through a helped me face my gigantic fear of rejection and question why I feel rejected ALL THE TIME. I didn't get home til 6 am!
I am also 23, and I have been going through a lot of the same feelings. I'm studying abroad in France right now, and have been here since September, so I've been forced to make new friends and all of that, which freaks me out a bit. I'm currently going through another one of what I like to call my "Bell Jar" phases, in which I feel jaded, isolated, and slightly crazy.

I was starting to involve myself in the art scene back home before I got here, in an effort to meet like-minded people and, of course, show some of my art. It's odd, but I found myself not just drawn to being an IT girl, but becoming one. I had an entourage of admiring boys, met a lot of strange and interesting people, drank a lot. And it was fun, but now that I've had time to reflect and distance myself, I'm really unimpressed. I ended up being objectified and bored. I hope it's not like this everywhere, and maybe it's because of the LA influence, but most of the artsy people I met seemed to be as concerned with looking cool, doing drugs, sleeping around, gossiping, and taking pictures of each other for their myspace as they were with actually doing anything creative/productive. I ended up losing a lot of what I thought were my guy friends because they weren't interested in me if I didn't want to sleep with them. I remember one time this amazingly hot guy I'd been eyeing invited me over to his house, but when I got there I couldn't enjoy myself because he ended up being such a conceited weirdo. I couldn't even kiss him. The next morning when I asked him to take me back to my car so that I could go to school, he actually said "Studying's not hot." That did it for me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying your youth and sexuality, but...well, that's the last time I bother myself with the "popular crowd." I'm starting to really come to terms with my weirdness/dorkiness. Because you know what? Everyone's fucking weird. Everyone. I think it was Janis Joplin who said "don't compromise yourself; you're all you got" This is starting to sound cheesy, but I think it's good to remind myself of that every now and then.
anna k
most of the artsy people I met seemed to be as concerned with looking cool, doing drugs, sleeping around, gossiping, and taking pictures of each other for their myspace as they were with actually doing anything creative/productive

I hate that, and those people want to be underground stars and be hot and sexy and "unusual" in an accepted or clique-y way. That made me feel like I could never be among them, that I wouldn't be eccentric in a cool and partying way, just less of a performer and more introverted. Like last night, I was dancing in my room to Hank Williams Jr.'s "Feeling So Good Today," which is used in a dance/fight scene in Kickboxer, and I really enjoy the song, and not in an "omigod this is cheesy" way. I have tried to hang with the cool kids before, and hated it when I made a joke and they ignored me or looked at me blankly.
I remember when I first moved to Boston for college, and I started hanging out with these two very cool girls. They were freshman too, but they just were SO much cooler than I was. They had cool hair, and great cool clothes, and knew about all of the cool stuff going on. And for some reason they liked me! They got me a fake ID, and we'd dress up in our hippest clothes, and we'd go to cool clubs, and we danced with cute hipster boys. It was so much fun.

But then they started doing drugs, and sleeping around, and even after we were friends for a few months we still only talked about clothes and guys. I wasn't into all of that so much, and I started thinking they were kind of lame. In the six plus years I've been living in Boston a ton of people like that have come in and out of my life. I see them at shows and parties and clubs and shops, and they know a lot of the same people that know people that know me.

There is something about most popular people that makes it hard for me to be friends with them. I think it'd be the same no matter what scene I was in to. Part of it is that I have a complex left over from when the popular girls in high school tortured me, so on a subconscious level I still dislike anyone popular. Part of it is that a lot of them are exactly what you guys are saying - only concerned with looking cool and taking pictures for their myspace. Can be fun to hang out with, but not my idea of good friend material.

But, I have grown to love some of the so-called popular kids. I can think of a handful of people who I thought could end of being real shallow douches, but after hanging out learned that they were actually kind of dorky people with varied interests who also happened to like hip clothes, hair styles, music, clubs, etc. I guess that kind of describes me, actually. And I would never want a fellow big, old, socially inept dork to judge me like that.
ok, I met a lady at target today who is either going to be really super cool, or might maybe be a stalker.

too early to tell I suppose yet, but once we had exchanged cell #'s (always safer bc I never hear it ring and therefor am notoriously difficult to reach as I'm bad w/ voicemail too) and then parted ways to finish our shopping, and I Kept Seeing Her, like she'd have thought of one more thing/product that she'd meant to tell me about. now I realise that doesn't sound bad persay, but she sort of pressured me into putting 2 different types of cleaning things into my cart, and the more I shopped, the more I realised I didn't need them but as I Kept Seeing Her, was afraid to put one down if that makes sense?

and actually, come to think of it, I didn't get Her #. I didn't think to ask for it.
hmmm. fruedian slip?

she was nice, and we do both have kids the same ages, but something odd all the way around in my gut.
maybe that she got in my personal space when she took my arm as we were laughing about the way our mr's try to shield us from shopping too much in there... I'm very much a Your Space

MY Space kind of person. I dunno. just an observation I suppose.. who knows, maybe we'll be great friends?

laurenann & anna,
you're both right; so often the IT Girls have the appearance of one thing, of having it all, and all, but in reality their lives are also far from perfect. I'd rather have internal substance than outward bling.
I definitely feel this way sometimes. I am not a competitive person, i am more collaborative, in to sharing ideas, encouraging one another, and I find that it's so threatening to people. Like it's threatening to talk about how the obsession with body image or all of this american idealism is damaging. People get so comfortable in the old tapes that they have played all their lives in their head. I feel that their is a lot of competition among a lot of the women that I meet sometimes. Like who has the better hair, better boyfriend, better's exhausting. That's why this board is so nice smile.gif I wish I could meet all of you in the real world more often!
I think it *is* the LA influence. I think it was awhile back in this very forum that someone was talking about the vapidity of LA culture, so have hope!
Laurenann, I'm soooo glad to know that there are others like me---Girls who like stuff that is "cool" but don't feel like we have the personality to go with it and have more wholesome values. I feel like most people have one whole personality but I got some parts of different ones that don't quite fit together. For instance, I'm into some hipster-ish music like Stereo Total but I also play classical violin--and I *don't have time* to keep up with all the newest, most obscure bands! I feel all this pressure to already know everything about stuff like bands and drinks and sex. (I don't KNOW what I want from the bar, for Christ's sake!)

I also feel like most people manage to have a somewhat happy existance wherever they happen to grow up or at least be integrated into the culture...but I am a Southern suburban girl who never liked the South or the suburbs. I feel like a big piece of my identity, the cultural piece, is missing--like I have amnesia or something.

I had a "date" with this guy last night, and on one hand I feel cooler than him--I'm the artistic, philosophical type; he's an investment banker; he's lived in the same city his whole life; I'm moving to a new continent in a few months...but on the other, I felt like he was cooler than me: he had more friends and more fun than I did in high school and college, he's had more relationships, as far as I can tell.

I feel like I have to learn to be myself in any situation before I can have real, close friendships with girls who are my equals (and guys, though I'm not really thinking about them right now.)

Sigh...sorry if this is a little confusing, I'm in one of those blurry need-to-eat times.
Uh-oh, did I kill the thread??
anna k
It's not good to compare myself, but I read about people my age involved in lots of local NYC parties and having NYC fame and being "weird" in a cool and artsy way, like making artsy Youtube videos of themselves or dressing up as characters and being much more livelier than I am. That being a writer isn't too exciting because it's just words and I don't feel comfortable reading it aloud to people or making it into a performance-art piece.

I haven't been feeling too good lately. I'm trying to find a new apartment and checking out other jobs, and I haven't felt very pretty or attractive, just really ugly on the outside. I'm also dealing with school stuff, trying to secure a class so I can graduate, and it all makes me feel like a puddle of blah.
anna k- I do the same thing with comparing myself to other people who seem much cooler than me. The only way I have found to avoid letting it make me feel bad about myself is just to stay away from any exposure to people like that whether it's being around them or reading about them or whatever. I don't think it's necessarily the best way to handle it, since it's avoiding the problem, but that's what works for me right now.

Right now my roommate has a whole bunch of his guy buddies in town staying at our house visiting, and I feel all awkward. They are all super nice and friendly, but I wish that I was the kind of person who could just jump right into hanging out in a big group and be funny and charming or something. I feel like I have no idea what to say or how to interact with all these people I don't really know. It's a completely foreign concept to me. Some people are so good at stuff like that, and it makes me envious! We're having a party with all of them and some of my friends tomorrow night, so maybe I'll get drunk, and that will make it easier. Not such a great coping mechanism, but it works.
Dayglow--I feel just the same at parties most of the time. I'm much more comfortable when I already know the people there.

I wish I could be funny and charming all the time, but I think other people don't have as high expectations of us as we do of ourselves--I went to a retreat once and a girl told me "you're great to have around because you're so happy" --and I think I had barely said a word all weekend. I'm always comforted when I remember that.

Good luck to both of you, Dayglow and Anna K.
I'm having a rough time because my friend just alerted me (with a rather nasty email) to my snapping at her every time we meet. Only I don't remember having snapped at her. I remember snapping at her a few days ago because she talked to me like I was an idiot because I hadn't heard of a museum that was close to me all these years (though I rarely go to Detroit, I just stay in my own little area most of the time). I don't remember having snapped at her EVERY time we've met. I only remember a couple of occasions when I have snapped at her. Apparently I have insulted her as a musician. I don't remember that, because I have always admired her. I do like this person a lot, she just gets on my nerves a lot. I don't know how to explain it. I guess I'm envious of her and all she knows and all the places she's been. I just do what I can to get by, other people seem to effortlessly do what they need to do. This friend is one of them. She seems to be good at just about everything and I fall short. How can I explain to her that I feel inferior to her without sounding like a complete heel? I don't want to be mean to her and never had a desire to make her feel bad. I admit there have been times when I have felt like smacking her because she gets upset over the tiniest things...but I am also like that. We are similar in that way, and perhaps that is why we don't get along nearly as well as I get along with my other friends.

But I don't want to lose her as a friend. I have decided to wait a couple of weeks and then call her to discuss this over the phone rather than over email. I want it to be a civil conversation, I don't want to be rude to her in any way. Any suggestions? Anyone been through this with a friend before? sad.gif
Sorry no advice, musicfit. Good luck.

Annak, hope you are feeling better.

freckle, you are so brave....I can't believe you just started talking to a lady at the store and clicked. I am always way too shy to attempt a move like that. Did you end up calling her?

I have been so anti-social lately, I haven't even tried to hang out with anyone or meet new people. But it hasn't bummed me out or anything, I have been super content. A girl from work invited me to the bar, but when she sent me a text message to let me know where people were meeting, I blew her off. (By the way,I hate text messaging.) I am this point where if I don't feel like we have much in common, I don't even want to try to hang out with the person. I have become such a freaking snob.
Random thought for today: Personal am kind of offended by shows that pit women against women r/o
( no matter the age) for one man.

I haven't posted here in a long time thought I would check in on everybody. Nothing much new happening in my life (SSDD). Me and Bf or geting ready for Comic-con in late July and we just spent a weekend in Savannah. BF form roommate and GF had a baby last April. I can't say i made a new friend with the girl friend but she's a nice girl and her babys super cute rolleyes.gif . Bf came back baby crazy told me on the drive back he would like to have a kid next year. Hope yall are doing well biggrin.gif
anna k
Thanks. I still get lonely, but since I have limited Internet access now, that means I can't read blogs and get jealous of other people's party lives. I try to change my social life, but it remains the same, and I get tired of reaching out to new people or making efforts. I get along decently with my co-workers, and I try not to get wrapped up in feeling lonely, since I have made personal strides in my life. I have a new piece that will be published on Venus' website soon, a story I worked on for the past few months, and my parents are helping me get a studio apartment in Queens since I haven't had success getting potential roommates to pick me as their roomie. I tried to be friendly and amiable and sweet and nice, but I wasn't ever picked. The PR business that I'm working for now has gotten new clients, so that means more work and more $$$. I just try to think of myself as earthy and strong and being a "salt of the earth" broad instead of a girl who wants to be famous and live a twentysomething party life.
lunia, i know it's off topic, but i have to say that fucking age of love show makes me throw up, moreso than the bachelor if possible
I agree: that age of love show offends the hell out of me.

what sickness.

ginger: the lady at target started talking to Me, and she was ok, but no, hasn't called.
I'm ok w/ random conversations w/ strangers; I'm friendly, worked in Marketing/Training/Certifiying for an Army family-program for about 5 years and HAD to be the friendly face in the crowd.
it's the deeper For Life Friendships I seem to suck at.

in fact, I am just about to vote another friend off my island.
- I complain & whine bc I don't have friends, but it's really just the Quality of them that is what is lacking to me. - what kind of BITCH does that make me??

this one is a younger woman, the one who had initally asked me to be her labor coach for the birth of her 2nd kid when she thought her mr was going to be deployed for it.
now I have become the Only Person She Trusts w/ Her Kid here (which I do get, bc I was the same way w/ my girl when she was wee small) and that is 99% of the time why she calls me now, to babysit, something I
DO, except that she knows that for her, bc I've known her sinse before the birth of her 1st one, I've fallen in the "Auntie" role and so she has me.- you know?

and it's occured to me that this is something I just don't want to do anymore.
we/the friendship is just something that doesn't work for me bc we are at such very different places in our lives now. she has a toddler/futurebaby, and a house that is in accordance w/ being at that stage: I have a teenager and a home that houses our collections from around the world and no desire to alter it or my lifestyle to differently.
I guess in a nutshell, I feel I've outgrown the friendship.

so, do I (continue to) Avoid - or ever so gently actually be honest w/ her about it?
I don't want to hurt her nor do I feel "hostile" or angry towards her.. just sort of a mild resentment and best wishes for her future.

Anna: congrats on the new job!!!! post more often so I can live vicariously through you please, and please Please post (or PM me) the link to your online article!
good things are coming your way sweetie, keep believing! biggrin.gif
anna k
Thank you freckleface! That is so nice to hear!

I am trying to feel more adult, though it's hard when I can't get a roommate to accept me and I'm stuck at my grandma's house and she can't hear me very well, so it's a lot of "What?" and "Say that again" over and over. I also haven't been able to use the Internet, as her phone line for dial-up hasn't worked on my laptop, so I'm going to get it checked out at Comp-USA, because the good people at Verizon couldn't get it to work either.

Today when I was delivering an envelope for work I ended up in the neighborhood I used to live in three years ago, and it felt like I had come full-circle, like when I had just moved to NYC and everything was new to me. I remembered bringing a couple of guys to my dorm room and fooling around awkwardly and shyly, hanging out in a small park near the UN, and getting my favorite dish from the Comfort Diner. It felt like a funny flashback.

I try not to live in the past, because I didn't like myself back then and am happy to be more grown and getting older, but my mind runs over my old crush, it's like a movie in my head. Despite guys I've dated or hooked up with from time to time, nobody fills me with a lot of excitement, save for two guys who I ended up feeling more platonically for (despite trying to make myself see them sexually, they were just too brotherly for me). I think about how I had asked out my crush, and he said he wasn't avaliable on that date, so I dropped it. A few months later, I wrote him an email asking him if he wanted to hang out with a friend and me, and he said he was realy busy with stuff. I took that as a polite "I'm not interested," and the next day in class, I took a glimpse at him, and he was staring straight at me, just staring at me. I had good friendships with other guys, but it felt great when the next year, after I had gotten thinner from a summer of working as a movie theater usher (small meals, lifting garbage bags, and busy work kept me looking strong) and I passed him at night and he stared at me. We said hi and passed on, and a couple of months later, he came up to me at a party and we chatted for a bit. He was a very popular kid, but usually quiet and reserved around me. Last year I wrote a Myspace email saying hi, but didn't get a response. It's in the past now, and I don't want to be into trying to find guys who fill me with excitement or giddiness (because I've tried and was bored, save for the brotherly ones), but I'd like to have that same happy feeling that I had with this kid.
i have three friends and they are all out of town this weekend. i'm usually thankful to have a weekend night to myself, since when my friends are around i feel like i have to go out even if i'd rather putter around my apartment, watch tv, and play with my cat. but i'm so lonely tonight because of my recent break up and i just really want other people around. i'm living with one of my friends and her husband and i like having them here, so it's lonely to be in their apartment by myself. i can't do any puttering around someone else's apartment, they don't have cable, and my cat is hiding. i'm too bummed out to go and call an acquaintence, 'cause i'd have to be sociable and fun and it'd be weird if i just talked about my ex-boyfriend like i've been doing with my good friends the past two weeks.

i feel bad that i don't have much to say to the rest of you... oh, seinfeld is on. i'll stay awake for that.
laurenann, in-between times like that can just bite; not thru processing a break-up, but not ready to be totally over it yet either. having a friend-void makes it that much worse.

no words of wisdom but sending you busty hugs here, hoping your friends come back soon.
((((((((( l a ))))))))))))
i'm at work right now (i work part-time at a home for adults with developmental disabilities) and i'm supposed to leave at six, but i was just like "maybe i'll stay for dinner..." because i don't want to eat alone. wahhh.

thanks freckle smile.gif the first of my friends to come back are coming back tomorrow, woo hoo. like i said, normally i am 100% fine having a night or two to myself, but not right now, you know?
anna k
My friend snapped at me last night through IM, and I wanted to scream at her. I haven't spoken to her for about three weeks, because she's busy with her own life and I've had limited Internet access. I said how I felt old at 23 finishing up college (more because my peers may be aged 19-22 and will goof off like high schoolers in class), and she snapped at me, calling me a whiny prat and that I'm still a baby at 23 and how inconsiderate I was of her when she's 30 and finishing school. Then she said she was tired and had a long day the next day and logged off.

I wanted to scream at her and smack her.

I live an hour and a half away from NYC with my 80-year old grandmother who refuses to get hearing aids and says "What?" to me a lot whenever I talk to her. I don't have any friends to rely on, the Internet access that my grandma can get is extremely slow dial-up that isn't worth using, my boss can only afford to pay me part-time so I'm researching better jobs, and I've visited many apartments hoping to be picked as a roommate, and studios are expensive. I chose to live near NYC because it's the best opportunity for publishing jobs and I can't drive very well. I do not wallow in self-pity or cry myself to sleep, I deal with this shit and move on. She left school in her early twenties to live in London and Paris, didn't have her head together, and is now finishing school. Tough shit. I do NOT feel like a baby at 23. I've grown a lot in the years since I moved to NYC, and have learned to be more social and less introverted and have worked damn hard. Plus, I am NOT inconsiderate. My sister has lost 50 lbs, and I am happy for her. I manage life with my grandmother and am considerate of her despite that she refuses to get hearing aids. I've done a lot of mental grappling and pulled myself out of self-defeating thoughts that only leave me in the muck. So absically, her outburst made me want to kick her in the shins or scream at her to back the fuck up. (I know that sounds childish, but it's the animal in me).

I dreamed that my old crush was in gay porn. I don't know what that was about.
this is about a guy, but also about not being socially inept for the first time in a long time with a guy, so i'm posting it here.

i'm newly single. the last time i was single was five years ago so i'm kind of out of practice with flirting and stuff. last time i was single, i either ignored guys i liked or got drunk and slept with them. but this time it's gonna be different!

i went to my best friends wedding in chicago (where i'm moving in a month!) and she introduced me to a cute friend of hers from work. tall and thin, nice hair and cool tattoos, great style, this sexy deep voice and exactly the type of guy i always have the hots for but am too shy to talk to (and then i go for the slobs and dorks). but i looked great, i was feeling awesome, so i guess i had the confidence to TOTALLY WORK IT. i was cute, sexy, and funny. i held it back at the wedding, got a little closer in the hotel lobby, and came on strong at the after party. it was silly and fun, and i was shocked at how easily i was making jokes and saying these coy, slightly sexual things, and keeping the conversation going. at the end of the party, when he suggested the two of us find a bar that was open later, i said i just wanted to call it a night. because if i had any more to drink i would of ended up going back to his place or something, and that's not what i was looking for. i was dressed up, buzzed, and single, and i just wanted a hot guy to try to impress me.

but don't worry, i'm back to being socially inept. i'm stressing over whether to add him as a myspace friend or not. first i need to think of a good comment!!

if you're newly single, I'd play it cool awhile w/ this guy.

he sounds great yah, but does the word "REBOUND" mean anything to ya?
maybe if you think he has some potential, scrounge up some other in-between fillers to go out with first, so you, well, you know where I'm going with this so I'll shut up! wink.gif

but hey, being friends w/ a guy first is cool, ultra cool, when it turns into more too!

way to go for being so urbanly ~smoothe~ !

I covet greatly that you get to move to chi-town.
that's my city (my US city anyway!) and no matter where I live (nc for now) it will always call me back.
I hope your move goes wonderfully !!

breeder girl w/ kids has not called sinse the last time I turned her down to sit.
a bit of regret, but not against the angst it was causing me that she was asking so often.
if there was any lesson in there, it was to not befriend any childless young women still in her reproductive years? ack I think I need to dig a little deeper!

super good friend that just moved here to my area irony: we haven't yet been able to get together and they've been here a month! initally the mr & I invited them to dinner/cooks outs but each time they'd bail, so w/ my feelings hurt, I stopped issuing the invite's, but they have been really super busy, house hunting/buying, starting/searching for new jobs etc + w/ 2 boys in college now as well.

she & I spoke the other night and I admitted to her my feelings were a bit hurt, but she apologised and I stopped being so thin skinned and we've made a future date for the local art house theater and dinner downtown, once the dust has settled and they can breathe again.

if only 1 or 2 of my other cool friends would move here, I think I'd feel less internal pressure to search for new friends on the local level bc I'd have people here I could hang w/ on a regular basis that Get Me.
seriously, laurenann, sounds like you played it very cool, and set good boundries. I am always more confident when I'm dressed up, too.

freckle, I think it's really good that you put your foot down with the girl w/ kids. There is nothing worse than someone using you, instead of being a true friend.

Anna, you poor thing, it sounds like you definately need your own place. Good luck. Maybe your friend just had bad day, or feels insecure about still being in school at 30. My sis finished college around that age and often felt really out of place, and unsure of herself, questioning if she'd made the right choices and whatnot, could be your friend is feeling the same way. Try to brush it off, and see how things go.
so, my roommate uploaded her photos from the wedding and i look absolutely wasted in every picture taken after 10:30. there goes my self confidence!

but, seriously, i wanted to talk about being single in the socially inept thread because, by the end of the relationship, i mostly loved my boyfriend because i was so comfortable with him. i'm not ready to admit that i wanted to be with him because i'm scared of meeting new people (friends, boyfriends, whoever) but that's probably what was going on the last year or so.

freckle, i'm SO excited to move to chicago. two of my best friends from college live there, so i know what you mean about wishing you had more people around to "get" you - i'm really looking forward to being with them more often. hope you get a chance to hang out with your busy friend soon.

anna, i agree that it sounds like you really need to find a new living situation - good luck! you'll find what works for you, from what i've read here it sounds like you can do it.

(((dayglow))) feeling lonely and bored sucks

(((((((anna))))))) ditto on you finding a new FABULOUS place in the immediate sense, and your job taking you on full time.
sometimes, you have to bounce off the bottom to appreciate moving upwards.
(so says the woman w/ no sense of direction! laugh.gif )

laurenann, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that, and worst case scenario- what time did you meet this guy? anything before 10:30 and you are still golden, and besides, you probly just looked more "relaxed" than before is all.

ginger, have been wanting to tell you - your new avatar is Lovely!!
I covet that too and want to print it, frame it, and hang it on my wall.

spoke too soon: breeder girl called yesterday, to get caught up on life. I was on the other line w/ my dad, so legitly couldn't talk, but gah. I still answered her call bc I'm afraid each time she calls there will be a problem w/ the babe in utero, though I don't know Why I fear this.
not doing such a hot job of ending things.
Yeah,'s like that line from Shopgirl "So...I can hurt now, or hurt later. Now I guess." Well, that was Claire Danes' answer anyhow. I guess the meter's really running for you now that you know the real deal. Before this, you still had hope and could justify staying with him, but now... Seriously, who the fuck has time to waste in a relationship you know is going nowhere? So yeah, work on yourself, and when you have done that work (I mean for REAL), the guy you have prepared yourself for will manifest.'s not like some psychic told you this would happen or something... actually did wink.gif
I love Chi-Town!--I moved from there a year ago and I miss Chicago. If anyone ever needs neighborhood advice or recomendations I would be happy to give them smile.gif
I ran into an old friend, who has a super cool job and after telling me all about it, asked what I have been up to. I felt so boring.

Then later that same day, I ran into a former co-worker who still works at the same place. And we both shared shamefully awkward moments, when we asked each other what we have been doing. We decided we were both lame.

I've decided to never again, ask 'what have you been doing' or 'where are you working'. Because I feel horrible everytime someone asks me, and I don't want to make anyone else feel that way. I have also decided I'm should look into going back to school next year. So maybe someday, I'll be the girl with the great job, that makes others jealous.

Do you ever just feel like a big, old, socially inept dork?

Hi, My name is LoveMyPugs and yes I do. Goodnight...
QUOTE(ginger_kitty @ Jul 18 2007, 09:36 PM) *
I ran into an old friend, who has a super cool job and after telling me all about it, asked what I have been up to. I felt so boring.

Then later that same day, I ran into a former co-worker who still works at the same place. And we both shared shamefully awkward moments, when we asked each other what we have been doing. We decided we were both lame.

I've decided to never again, ask 'what have you been doing' or 'where are you working'. Because I feel horrible everytime someone asks me, and I don't want to make anyone else feel that way. I have also decided I'm should look into going back to school next year. So maybe someday, I'll be the girl with the great job, that makes others jealous.

I still answer w/ " I'm a writer" in response to that, which feels both a bit on the stretchy side, as I haven't/can't submitted anything, but then it also often stops people cold in their tracks once they get beyond their second question of ' what do you write?' when I answer sort of vaguely (but truthfully) ' prose, some essay's, I have several projects going at the moment' bc what can they say to that?
what burns me more is to Not be asked, like when I'm w/ the mr & it's collegues of his, as if I don't matter.
I'm sure there is probably a better way to ask your question, to still seem genuinely interested in the person but w/out putting them on the spot, I just am too socially inept to fathom what it is. rolleyes.gif

I am discovering that not all friendships, even previously good ones, may not be the forever kind.

the good friend who moved here that we finally had over for dinner, well I don't know.
there are a lot of factors that might be in play.. that her mr still hasn't found a job sinse he retired and my mr has a fabulous one, and that he hinted that my mr try to put in a good word for him (not an option) was akward, that she is working w/ past co-workers of mine that were all primarily vicious witches w/ no love loss for me too.. I don't know.
the friendship is strained now, and it makes me sad.
maybe it'll pass, but I'm leaning towards being done w/ feeling hurt to not caring anymore.

it also makes me wonder why I sometimes try so hard to maintain things, when this is the reality?


ps to Anna: I'm going to read your article I promise & THANKYOU for sending to me!!
*runs in and hugs freckle*

Thanks! I needed your good vibes.

*runs out*
Hi. My social life is the same as it always has been, and I feel even more inept.

Right now if anyone asks me what I do, I tell them my hobbies and interests instead of what I do for a paycheck. In some ways, I'm rather embarrassed of my job, which is data entry and research for a small company. It isn't a bad job, but it isn't what I want to be doing career-wise, and I feel rather silly and old for working at that job and not having much of a life outside of it.
anna k
I had a good weekend. I went to Coney Island for the Siren Music Festival and hung out with my brother (I wrote about the bands in the Live Music thread). My brother and I rode on the Pirate Ship at Astroland, a ride I hadn't been on since I attended the YMCA fair in my hometown years ago. I loved watching little kids get terrified and screaming like crazy, and I kept going, "Oh yeah!" and "Weeeeee!" when we tilted upside.

We went to a freak show in Coney Island, though it was lame. It was cheap, but moved slowly, three acts taking up a half hour; a guy putting nails and drills in his nose, a guy with a hairy face tight-rope walking, and a sexy contortionist who could sword-swallow (my brother kept telling me how he imagined guys getting turned on by that).

My brother ran into two people he knew at the festival, two of his friends from Hunter. He's great at being social with strangers, he can talk to almost anyone and get into good conversations. I don't really have that knack, I get shy or guarded around strangers, especially male strangers late at night, cliche as it sounds. When I'm with my brother I like to vibe off of his energy with people and be more comfortable and talkative.

It was a lot of fun, I liked socializing more and feeling integrated into the city rather than as a rushed commuter.
God, I feel like I make the worst first impressions sometimes. Even worse than that is saying goodbye to someone.... SO awkward. I was just seeing off my boyfriend's brother, who's leaving town, and we did the hug, and "take care," and all that, all of which I find painfully awkward to begin with, and then I said "who knows when we'll see each other again- maybe never!" Any social skills I have just flew out the window.

And now I'm sitting here replaying it in my head, completely regretting it and wanting to change it. And perhaps blowing it completely out of proportion, who knows.
edie, i hate the awkward goodbye thing. a few weeks ago i was with a friend and her boyfriend, and we were about to part ways, and did the whole drawn out goodbye thing, with like hugs and shit, and start walking away when she goes, "oh shit, my stuff is in your car". so we walk like 15 min back to the car, but it just feels weird b/c you've "wrapped everything up" but then have this lame post-script, and it's like, so do we do the whole goodbye thing again?

le sigh.

so i originally came in here to post about how it's a fri night, and i'm dead tired, but i got an invite to go out drinking. did i/am i going to go? no, i'm going to sit here and self-flagellate about how i'm sitting here on a fri night and self-flagellating about how my social life has gone from a drizzle to a trickle. i am my own worst enemy, no?
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