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glassk, what dicks!

i hate that shit---when other people feel they can insult you in your own home.

QUOTE(glassk @ Sep 19 2006, 04:56 PM) *

my roommate is saying that he meant to introduce me to Danni as "the girl who wears black and if you talk to her the wrong way she'll shoot up your school"

LET her think you are insane and she probibly wont walk into your place marking it with her pathetic scent.
anna k
I am jealous of hipster bohemian kids who have lots of friends and always have parties or places to go with their friends. No matter how social I try to be, I'm always alone and I feel like a drifter instead of having any buddies to chill with all the time. I wanna look like the hipsters in Nylon or post videos of me and my friends on Youtube acting like mini-stars. I feel like an old lady sometimes.

I'm going to the trivia night again. I had a lot of fun there the last time and I like being with people with insane amounts of knowledge.
glassK that sucks! You shouldn't have to put up with that in your own place.

Annak, I used to have game night with some friends, and it was so much fun! But a few people moved and I got a different job and we all just drifted apart. I long for connections like those again. But I never seem to make them.

Lately, I have really felt like I need to move. I feel like I have met everyone, I could have been friends with is town. That probably sounds wierd but, that's just how I feel.
anna k
I went to the trivia night, but didn't have a good time. I joined with the same team, and found the members irritating instead of fun. A couple kept teasing me for being the youngest at 23, and I was sick of their bullshit (the oldest was 37). I was with nerds who were obnoxious and annoying, and I hate it when girls say they love nerdy boys, when they really like boyish-looking cute guys in "geek-chic" clothing. These people were nerds and social outcasts for a good reason, and I felt unhappy around them. Next time I go, I'll choose a different team to meet new people.

Walking home, I felt very lonely, and felt worse seeing couples hold hands or kiss. It made me feel alone and unloveable and angry, and I had to snap myself out of those bad thoughts or not becomg wrapped up in self-pitying. It was just a crappy night altogether.
I got the # for the wife that I met at the party last weekend that was nice.
left her a voicemail w/ my #'s and now the ball is in her court.
I Really need something good right now, so please please let her call back?

I'm sorry the trivia night was such a bust anna, what crock.

but don't give up please.
go again & try a different team, hell try All the teams, at the least you'll know more trivia at the end smile.gif

glass, don't let them run you out of your own place.
when I read what you wrote I felt so angry for you.
grrr but people are insensative & stoopid sometimes!!
anna k
Thanks freckleface. I was angry, but I'll still attend the shows for socializing and learning random trivia. I'll just choose a different team next time to meet new people.
anna, don't feel lonely! the people you were hanging out with sucked, not you!

new york city has always seemed to me like the most loving and the most lonely place at the same time.

boston, where i live, is just lonely.
anna k
Last night was pretty fun. I went to see Jackass 2 in a packed theater (I had seen the second half with my sister, and wanted to see the rest), and I loved hearing all the reactions, especially anything penis/ball related, which the guys freaked over.

Afterwards it was 11 pm and I was still wanting to do something, so lucky for me the UCB Theatre was only a few blocks away. So I went to see a sketch comedy group called Death by Roo Roo which were pretty funny and nutty, and a free midnight show of UCB students doing sketches. It felt good to find entertainment and not feel lonely that Friday night.

Tonight I'm going to this dance festival where I can see a show for $10. I hate being cooped up in my room and feeling lonely, I go out to see performances and be around people and get out of my shell.
aw, thanks busties. i need this thread. geeze.

so i was supposed to have some friends over tonight for a dinner party. they're quality friends but not very close, and i was looking forward to it. they live an hour away. well, apparently they left and never showed up. neither of us had each other's cell numbers, so there was no communication.
my brother was supposed to come and visit, and he had an exam, so he bailed.
i cleaned the house. what a boring thing to be doing on a saturday night.

anna k, i do that too- go out just to get out. it's good, isn't it? i am going to go to a club tomorrow night (it's my 'scene') where sometimes I meet people in the smoking room and dance. i hope it's fun and i'm out of this funk.

it's funny, i like short term friends (the girls you chat with in a bathroom, people you hang out with at shows) better sometimes. they can't let you down cuz you don't know them well enough to expect much. i'm moody.
anna k
I went to the Fall for Dance festival at City Center last night. It was a lot of fun, even if some of the dance performances ran long. I was impressed by the Compagnie Franck II Louise (it looked like a musical version of Robocop, and I kept thinking of Princess Superstar's "Do It Like a Robot"), the skill of the child dancer in Prophet and Betrayer (nathantrice/RITUALS company), and Fifteen Heterosexual Duets (Coleman Lemieux & Compagnie) feautured so many beautiful and sensual dancers flipping around seamlessly. It was a great joy to watch all of this and go home and dance to music and work my body out.

glassk, that sucks so much. I wish I could hug you.

Yeah, short-term friends. They're good to hang out with, but not reliable when you need a real honest friend.
friday night my roomate and i watched the worlds ugliest dog competition on animal planet. it was nice having someone around to be lame with. our other roomate just stayed in his room all night. my boyfriend was the only one who went out.

glass, i like cleaning when no one else is home because i get pissed when they are all just sitting around watching me clean and not helping. soo weekend nights are frequently when that happens.

anna, your anti-socially inept dork stories inspire me. i had a majorly socially anxious weekend full of second guessing supposed friends intentions. i have today off of work (yom kippur in a school district with a big jewish population) and i am totally gonna go find something fun to do in the city by myself. i used to be able to have fun by myself and i really miss that. finding fun and interesting things to do on my own used to make me feel independent and hip, but now i usually just feel lonely and unloved (since the people who supposedly love me just want to sit around the apartment drinking and playing video games).
Whee.... I apparently have friends. Mere acquaintances, some. But, my roommate's girlfriend got stuck and had to stay at our place overnight without him. And we actually had a fun time and good conversation- I interact sooooo much better one on one. Freaking' sweet.
yaah glassk! funny how people can be so different when their SO's are around, you know?
am glad you had such a good time just hanging out. biggrin.gif

I know most of you here are phone-aphobic; I'm not, but I still confess to abusing caller id way too much. (I'm going to do it today even, bc I know my gf will call 3 x's and there is nothing new to say.)
guess then I shouldn't bitch so much about being lonely? it's the Degree of intellectual relationship though.. I miss having really deep friendships that we can debate religion and the fate of the free world and jump to the weather and what to wear all in the same breath w/out missing a beat.
someone I can talk to like that that is Here.

maybe just maybe I will meet cool new people when I start training and volunteering.
I feel I've gone too long w/out other strong kick ass women around me. kind of a desolation isolation.

So I keep reading this thread not knowing if I fit in or not. See, I consider myself to be a loner at heart.

Lots of people like to go out Friday nights and Saturday nights. Not me! It's like pulling hair to get me out of my house. I guess I'm a homebody but I'd rather curl up alone with a bowl of popcorn and a great DVD, than go out and socialize.

Do I belong here or somewhere else? I have no clue.....
"it's funny, i like short term friends (the girls you chat with in a bathroom, people you hang out with at shows) better sometimes. they can't let you down cuz you don't know them well enough to expect much. i'm moody."

I had to respond to that quote because that's exactly how I feel sometimes. I know most people end up letting me down, so I just don't make friends that much.
anna k
I agree. I have acquantinces who I hang out with, but nobody reliable as a strong friend. I feel like they roll off my back like water on a duck's feathers.
I went today to take a job skills test and met 2 really cool women.
1 is a social worker (my hopeful field) that works w/ dss, and the other is a substance abuse councelor.
when I mentioned a documentry that was being screened tomorrow night on schizophrenia, she was really interested and so will probably meet up w/ me there to watch it together.
this is so totally cool bc I was having serious reservations about going Alone, even though it's something that totally interests me and knew I Should go.
even if this woman doesn't show up now ( a possiblity bc I don't know her at all) I think I'll still be ok.

why is that so hard? I totally admire anyone that can do that and am going to forcibly try harder to do better.

yah yah yah!

ps: I passed the test and am hopeful about the job too smile.gif
ok, I'm a thread-hog, many sorry's.

the wife I met at that party called back yesterday!

she had been out of town, and I called 1 more time to ask a question about the mr's jobs but didn't leave a message and she called back and now we're having lunch on friday.

small yah for good things happening.
freckle, don't worry you're not a thread hog!

I was vaguely invited to a Halloween party today, but I am really not psyched about it. I don't think I'll go. I barely know person, and I won't know anyone else there, so.....a bunch of drunk strangers dressed up in custumes...

I realized recently that I have never felt like I fit in....I love punk rock and go to shows whenever I can, but I don't fit in with the others and usually don't talk to anyone...When I was in college though I loved learning, never felt like I belonged with the people I was surrounded by...even growing up in a small town, I never felt like I belonged thier even though I had buddies growing up....

Enough of my glum mood....
anna k
Good Things About Me:

- I love to dance, especially learning ballet steps and memorizing moves from dance-exercise DVDs
- I like my looks much more than I did when I was younger. I feel like more of a woman now than a shy nerd
- I'm glad that I have kissed and fooled around with guys, not being as sexually repressive as I was a few years ago.
- I have interned at major magazines, and feel happy and lucky to have had those experiences
- I got to interview a photographer for a magazine, my first real freelance assignment for a major magazine
- I took a trip down south to Charleston, riding on a long train ride and navigated the area and walked a lot, feeling solitary and proud

Bad Things About Me:
- I have never had a boyfriend and would like one, though I don't like to search for a guy or be desperate for someone to be my boyfriend. I get confused between being busy with my work and being satisfied with that, but feeling lonely and wanting a guy to add to my life to make me feel romantically satisfied.
- Other times I think the search for a mate is futile and unimportant, but I still want to have the same loving experiences that so many other people have had.
- I'm often alone and don't have any close friends. I search newspapers for events to go to and to be around people so I don't feel lonely and that I have something interesting to do. NYC can be so overwhelming with lots of things going on, it can be hard to pick the right thing.
- Sometimes I want to be in a pack of girlfriends and party and run around and have people to trust and always spend time with
- I'm still a virgin, yet don't trust losing my virginity to a random person just to get rid of it. Maybe I'll have a gyno break my hymen for me so I won't have this stigma. Despite me being a virgin, I have been sexual with guys, but haven't had penetrative sex.
- I get tired of hanging out with people who are great and fun but are unreliable as real friends, and that I'm the one to call them and they don't need to call me because they have their own friends.
I have one 'bestie'but we are totally different.She got married at 21 and had a little boy and she
s very happy with her choices as I am with mine.I don't see her as much as I should and I guess I would classify myself as a 'tardy'friend.She has heaps of friends though.
Sometimes I just can't be bothered with making new friends sometimes (and I'm not proud of this)I consider new friendship as a chore and something that has to be watered regularly. I really enjoy the freedom of my own comany.
I must admit it gets me down less than is doesn't.I'm about to buy an apartment on my own but I've kept in mind that I would like to be near my parents and when I think about it they are my friends too as they rely on me in small ways and I have relied on them many times.We just get on really well.It scares me however that they are getting older and I really couldn't imagine my life without them.
my lunch w/ the unit wife was Wonderful!!

she was a derth of information and a lot of fun too.
we are looking at going to see the marie antoinette movie soon- yah smile.gif

and the director of the new place I am volunteering at is fantastic too.
different from me, but terrific. I def see good things happening there as well.

mayhaps my friend-drought is nearly over at looooong last?
it just feels so good to talk to intelligent, thoughtful women again!
the last year, the year the mr was deployed, I was around women a Lot, but they all had issues I was taking care of for them, I was very much in the Care Taker Role. so this is really really Great smile.gif

datagirl, when 1 friend marries/has a child,etc etc, the friendship is bound to go through growing pains bc you are both at such different places in your lives.
it doesn't have to be the kiss of death as long as you both accept and (talk) acknowledge that, and there is no guilt/resentment.
and as to new friendships being a chore, maybe when you meet someone you really connect with, it won't seem that way?
I think it's wonderful that you & your parents are so close and can only hope that someday my frecklette and I/we will have that kind of relationship. makes me go awwww when I think about it for you . smile.gif

anna k, honey all those things you are wishing for, will happen in the right time for you.
from lonelyville myself, I know that's not much comfort, but Please don't do anything rash that you might regret later on just to get something over with. you have your whole entire life to grow into the person you are becoming and are fortunate to get this time to really figure out who that person should be.
I met my mr the day after I turned 21, and was married and then preg w/in a year and a half later, and now 15 years later that's been my Whole Life. goes so much quicker than you imagine at your age.
friends and lovers will come and go, but you are stuck w/ yourself forever.
- dig? ( & I hope I didn't sound condescending bc it's not my intent)
anna k
Thanks, freckleface. It's hard to be solitary when it's more normal to have boyfriends and casual sex and be open to everything, while I feel like a prude because nobody turns me on enough to want to make me express myself physically. But I hate bullshit relationships and the pettiness of it, so sometimes I feel lucky that I've never had it. I'm just a lone wolf, I guess. smile.gif
anna, I hated casual dating!!!! I am so happy that I married young. It's made my life so much easier. Back when I was dating people thought I was cold, because if a relationship wasn't working, or if something about the person bothered me I got out quickly. I just couldn't see hanging on to someone, I didn't care much about. I know a lot of girls that are with guys, just to be with someone. And I don't understand how they do it, I'd rather be alone.
anna k
I can't fake it either. I've been with guys who were more into me than I was into them, and despite kissing them or trying to be sexual, it felt like a chore when I didn't have any real emotion attached to it. Sometimes I wish I could have pleasure and detach emotion, but it's boring when it feels like a chore or something to check off my list.
anna, i know how you sounds bad but sometimes i feel like "what exactly is this getting me." at the time i felt good about it becasue i felt like i had control and power in the situation....but looking back it was just masking how bad i felt about myself after doing it.

on another note (sorry to bitch), serious boyfriend and i just broke up yesterday and i realized that the thing thats gonna be hardest about being single again is going out and being social with other people again...i hate it!
anna k
I had a good Halloween evening. I went down to the East Village where I took pictures of people and asked people to take pictures of me, since I was dressed up in a lovely red dress and felt beautiful and cool that night. I bought a DVD copy of Scarlet Diva, starring and directed by Asia Argento. I have a total crush on her.

After seeing Marie Antoinette, I wanted to burn off the Raisinets I ate (they were a lot fattier than I thought), and walked from 2nd Ave and 12th to 8th Ave and 34th. The wind was chilly and made my legs pink underneath my tights. I liked walking briskly and ignored a guy who said "Hey baby" to me. I took a lot of photos, of stuff in the East Village mostly, plus the photos I had of myself, because I was feeling vain and happy.

Those times I feel so lone, like I'm a woman alone in the world roaming around, with little connection to people. I go out so I can mingle with people, start up conversations with people, and not feel so alone, but I like the freedom to run around on my own and wander. I'll move somewhere else when I'm done with school, but I hate having to work from scratch and not having any friends to meet me on the way there.
anna k
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be on my own for the rest of my life. I have had my family's support but very little friend support. I've gone through therapy and medication and have been less shy than when I was younger, but I can't seem to maintain having close friends. I feel like I'm made up Teflon, like nobody sticks to me. It can make me feel lonely and old.

I've stopped dating for now. I'm sick of the formalities and the lack of spontaneity and enjoyment that I used to get from guys I knew a few years ago, who I knew as friends and developed crushes on. Now it's more stilted and uncomfortable, and people move around too much in NYC to keep track of them. I miss the guys I used to know, they were special to me and made my life better at times.
my"social life" is officially stagnant. the few acquaintances i have around have been hard to find these days, and i can't help but be paranoid that i've made some sort of social gaff that i'm not even aware of (see: PREP, curtis sittenfeld).

anna, i hear you about the formalities. it almost seems cliche at times.

sundays always make me fatalistic for some reason.
oh, my social life has been stagnant for a long ass time now. i hang out with my roommate a lot, and we do go out, but usually just to eat or to see a movie or something. it's nothing that requires actual interaction with people outside our little bubble. *sigh* everyone we know is just so spread out this year. it sucks.
I am same boat, drifting in stagnant waters....usually it's just my hubby and myself. Having other people around always seems to be so complicated and bothersome. For a long time it botherered me, but I'm really begining to enjoy just the two of us in our little world.
must read book:

What Did I Do Wrong: When Women Don't Tell Each Other the Friendship Is Over. by Liz Pryor.

it's a book about how women essentially break up with each other, and while I have generally been the break-er, it's given me so much Insight into past relationships, to the point where I feel like I will now view my current friendships and relationships differently... betterly ?

I found it accidently in the New Release section of my local library and I would really encourage all us dorks to read it.
makes me re-evalute my dealings with women friends from both sides.
most especially I think I am working towards getting over once and for all my ex bff. almost 3 years now and I still wonder what went wrong, and even though I was the one who initiated the break, I see now that she had been trying to distance herself from me for some time, which had been leaving me feeling confused and lost, though she repeatedly told me eveything was Fine.

I know I'm getting ahead of myself here, but so much of exactly That is talked about in the book.

run out & buy or check out This Book!
I think I'm going to buy it, it's that good!
oh my gosh.

I just emailed my ex bff.
I seriously think I'm going to throw up right now.

I told her how sorry I was for how I ended things, and realising that she had been trying to end things w/ me for a while but had been too dense to accept it. it tells her that I understand things better now, and am in a better place and hope she is too and that if we were to run into each other I hope things won't be akward as they had been before ( we as it turns out, we still live in the same city) but instead can accept it for what it is: 2 former friends crossing paths.
.. it's a good letter.

that it's so far gone thru and not been returned is a suprise, bc she had me Blocked for , well, sinse it happened. now I will expect her to delete w/out reading it.

.. why is this so Hard?

anna k
I walked around the Village a lot yesterday, just wandering. I started at 4 pm by going to Barnes and Noble on 23rd st, sifting through fashion photography books. Sometimes I wish I was glamorous and having my favorite photographer do great photos of me. I like Annie Leibowitz, Herb Ritts (RIP), Jean-Baptiste Mondino, Mario Testino, Bruce Weber, Floria Sigismondi. I found a postcard of Johnny Depp and Winona Ryder kissing, her face looked so delicate and small. It was done by Herb Ritts.

Then I walked to 14th St to Strand Bookstore, to get lost among used books. I found on the dollar cart a book about the Mexican pop star Gloria Trevi, who I had only briefly heard of, and was shocked that she was involved in a sex scandal with teenage girls. Supposedly she and her manager had used adoring teenage girls, told them they would train them to be proteges, but instead sexually abused and brainwashed them. Gloria disappeared to Brazil for two years, was caught, and extradited to Mexico, where she was acquited of all charges.

After that, I walked to St. Mark's Place and ate at a Japanese resturant. Then I went to Ave. A to the Two Boots Pioneer Theater and bought a ticket for the 9:00 showing of The Last Atomic Bomb, a documentary about an old Japanese woman who had survived the Nagasaki bombings when she was 10 and was now on a quest for peace, pleading for nuclear weapons to be disarmed or not used anymore. It was pretty stunning and horrific as she described how her mother and sister and brother were killed and what she endured when she was an orphan, being treated as a radioactive outcast. I hate that the bomb was used, it was extreme and innocent civilians did not have to die because they were promoted as being evil and less than human. It was disgusting and sick, and living through an atomic blast is unimaginable for me as well as many other people.

After that, I went back home and watched some TV, then slept. I was just bored and walking around everywhere to feel busy, interact with people, and not feel on my own, even though I was.

Ok, the original entry was just too long... too whiney.

Suffice to say, I hate this feeling. I've never had to deal with anything like this before.

New York City is the worst place in the world to be alone.
Ah, anna, you just described several days that I've had, walking around town just to alleviate boredom and loneliness.

I just realized that both AZ Guy and I have come to the same place in our lives, where we are having trouble finding people who aren't married, with kids, aren't immersed in their careers, or a combination of all three. Almost all his friends have kids, or are too busy with work, while I just can't seem to meet anyone interesting. I tried making plans this weekend with a mutual friend of ours, but the plans got cancelled and I sat at home wondering if I did something wrong.

I like hanging out with him, but at the same time I wish we were friends with at least another couple that didn't have kids to hang out with. It's becoming impossible to hang out with those that do have them, and neither one of us enjoy being alone so much. I can deal with it better, but he can't. A couple nights ago we were talking about giving up our plans for careers and becoming bums, taking seasonal jobs and partying, just so we could find people to hang out with. We were joking around, of course, but at the same time...
anna k
lilac, I'm 23, and when I read about people who are married and with kids, it seems like a trophy sometimes, like a need to be married and shacked up and have cute kids. Maybe because I've never had a boyfriend I can't see myself getting married, but it's like a package deal sometimes, especially if it all works out perfectly and smugly.
being married w/ kids doesn't necc have to rule out friendship;
however, as I Am one of those, I too am particularly chosey over other like situated couples w/ kids.
compatibility is tricky water.

and anna, "married w/children" isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
you can be married, and still be lonely.

you can be married, and still want to go out & do all the things you did when you were single.

marriage is not an umbrella from unhappiness and it's not a sure fire way to achieve anything of Status bc what marriage is is really- hard- work. I've said it before, boyfriends are cool but a real realtionship is never anything to rush into. you always make me so sad sometimes, but you know, it's Ok bc that's On ME- duh! lol
= end of lecture = biggrin.gif

lilac- I'm so up for the seasonal job! I've often thought about applying to work on a cruise ship and just sail around for months on end....sipping umbrella drinks in exotic ports of call.
*pokes nose in* Hey all! I haven't posted here much. Hope you're finding some excitement out there.

On the married-and-finding-friends front, I had a kinda sad experience this week. I've always been one of the rare guys who can make friends with a girl and just have a friendship... nothing else... no secret longings. Some of my best friends are girls. Anyway, so I was picking up some bread at this great local bakery, and the girl behind the counter started joking around with me. I was excited to find someone I could joke around with. I'm new to this town, and I could really use some friends. Yaay for silliness! The second time I went into the bakery, I kinda made sure that I introduced myself and let her know what I do, that I'm married, etc. I think that finding out that I'm married upset her sad.gif I guess the joking around was seen as flirtation or something. No, I just like to be silly and appreciate silliness in others. I kept thinking that I'd found someone to look forward to saying hello to now and then. Now the last couple of times I went in for bread, she's been avoiding me.

I just want to make some friends in this town, and now I'm ruining someone's day sad.gif
anna k
I spent last night hanging around the East Village. I went to a place called Bar 13, where a swingin' party called Le One Night Stand was taking place. I stayed for an hour, danced to Jacques Dutronc and Pizzicato Five, then left. I was alone, and it was so loud I couldn't talk to anybody. People were all in pairs or groups, and I would dance near groups, but couldn't talk to anyone. I loved the music, but it sucked being lonely. So I walked to the Sunshine theater on Houston to see a midnight showing of American Psycho, feeling like a movie about a serial killer would help ease my loneliness. I had only seen parts of the movie on TV, and didn't know how it ended. The movie was a lot funnier than I thought it was, and the audience kept laughing, even at one death scene I didn't think was funny, I felt bad for the victim. After the movie I walked back home, dreading being a woman in a dress and tights at 2 am in an empty-looking Manhattan. I watched some Full House reruns, then went to sleep.
i don't think you hvae to be married. any serious relationship with children involved is serious enough to make one seriously think about being around with the other.
In response to this thread's topic question: yep, like all the time. But so this message won't appear spammy by just being a one-line answer, I'll elaborate.
I'm an only child, so I don't mind spending time alone. Heck, sometimes it's better because you don't have to worry about whether someone else is happy/sad/mad/bored/whatever. Anyway, what most folks at my school like to do over the weekends/breaks is: go to people's houses, get high/stoned//fucked/yo mama (last one's a joke), lather, rinse, repeat. Well, I don't do any of that. I'd rather go to Borders and just geek around for a while. Is this a bad thing?
QUOTE(jesuswentbowling @ Nov 23 2006, 01:58 AM) *

In response to this thread's topic question: yep, like all the time. But so this message won't appear spammy by just being a one-line answer, I'll elaborate.
I'm an only child, so I don't mind spending time alone. Heck, sometimes it's better because you don't have to worry about whether someone else is happy/sad/mad/bored/whatever. Anyway, what most folks at my school like to do over the weekends/breaks is: go to people's houses, get high/stoned//fucked/yo mama (last one's a joke), lather, rinse, repeat. Well, I don't do any of that. I'd rather go to Borders and just geek around for a while. Is this a bad thing?

I don't think so at all.
that's how my daughter (an only child also) is, when she sometimes has friends over, esp for overnighter's, and she gets more in her head than active on the Outside and you can just tell when she is getting annoyed and wished they'd go home already. a lot of times she prefers her own company to anyone else's and that is totally ok bc it shows that you Know yourself and don't want to Settle.
that said, my girl is also only 12 and occassionally I do gently push her to be more sociable bc you still need a certain amount of those skills to navigate in the world, you know?

you are in college?

ok, going to a real and actual PARTY tomorrow. granted it starts at 3 in the afternoon, but it's a a lodge type place and there will be drinking and at least some booze-driven carousing I am sure. ( I will be a dd)
most of the same people I've met at some time or another, co workers of the mr's.
for a change I can say I'm not really nervous this time, but yet, when I had to go to the Mall, I was nearly paralyzed w/ fear. I MADE myself go Alone, just bc I knew it would be hard to do so.
I *hate* going places alone. I dressed so carefully, and yet still felt everyone staring at me like I had 3 heads anyway. awful feeling. I can go to the grocery and the library and small local places on my own, but someplace new or unfamiliar or even to the big bookstore and I freak out.

.. I'm afraid I'm going to turn into the crazy old shut in lady who keeps cats and talks to herself. sad.gif
haha, freckleface, when you typed dd I assumed you meant Drunk Driver and I was going to write to you, "no! don't do that!" but now i get it. duh smile.gif

is there a way you can gradually go to sorta-familiar places and then branch out that way.....? like maybe not a mall at first, but maybe a store nearby that isn't too crowded....and then go when it's crowded, and then eventually go to a different store....? maybe?

but there aint nothing wrong with being a cat lady.

i've noticed that i usually love going out and about my myself but if i've been spending a lot of time alone IN my apartment sometimes it gets really overwhelming to go somewhere alone.
anna k
I get sick of dealing with people all the time, that I get turned off by some many people's habits:

Walking and talking on the cell phone or walking and listening to their i-Pods like they're in a bubble.
Seeing someone spit on the sidewalk, especially if they hock a loogie.
Giggly girls who say "like' every other word.
Grown men dressed like 15-year old hip-hoppers.
People stepping onto the elevator just as I am about to step off, getting in my way. I usually say a measly, "Excuse me," but next time I want to go, "Wait 'till I get off!"
People smoking and the smoke blowing into my face.

It makes me discouraged from enjoying people and seeing them as masses or rude, self-centered, obnoxious types. I don't bother dating, having done it several times and felt bored with it. I live in NYC, where it's crowded, but when I visited Charleston and Raleigh, I missed NY and felt more at home there. I loved Montreal, but am not about to start working there (don't speak French, would be a foreigner, have to deal with a work visa, competing with natives for jobs).

It sucks to be alone a lot, not having close friends to rely on, but it's my life. I just go out a lot on the weekends to be around people, even though their habits get on my nerves. I'd like to be a partier at Misshapes, but I'm not cool or quirky enough to fit in there.
anna k
Sometimes I feel cold and lonely, like I can't be intimate with people, physically or emotionally. I don't get turned on enough to kiss and really touch. I've dated guys who I thought I liked, after I acted sexy and flirty, I realized I didn't like them that much and felt trapped, felt like a tease. I would kiss and touch them, trying to find something I liked, but I felt cold and bored inside, and it made me feel like I was a prude or a loser.

A guy I went out with once showed me his scar and I liked the hair on his belly. It didn't make me jump him, but I thought it was alluring.

No matter what, I am on my own a lot. I go out every weekend to find things to do and to be around people so I don't feel lonely, and to see lots of people so I don't get jealous of not having my own man, because I see lots of couples holding hands and acting cute together and it isn't my thing. I feel like I will always be on my own, a spirit like the journalist Martha Gellhorn, who was thrilled by life and liked men as friends but was bored by sex.

martha gellhorn Rocked SOCKS so you could do way worse than to emulate the likes of her.
what a trully Amazing woman and influence (though clearly not enough) on society. (my girl had to look her up for something & we both became quite enamoured of her).

I've gotten together w/ the the mr's co-worker's wife again, dinner & shopping in the small "downtown district" of our area, and it was nice. I like her much bc we have similar backgrounds as we're both midwesterners living in the Fake South. but, her life involves smaller children and mine doesn't.
I don't know, we'll probly be "friends" for several years, but how close? ey?

I've now met several of the other area wives w/ the mr's new job and am not impressed.
in cases like that, it is better to be alone than to force things bc I can only keep my opinions and dorkiness under wraps for so_ long.; although, I think it is my own perception of dork that would suprise many.
- isn't it funny how often we feel like frauds for the persona we evoke?
((inept busties))

i was telling one of my few actual friends about how i think all of the ladies i work with think i am strange. instead of being like "no! you're just paranoid!" she was like "well...they just don't know you well enough yet..." hrmph. so i AM strange.

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