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i've decided not to write here because i don't want to sound like a whining loser. but since i don't really have anyone else to talk to i guess i have to. i don't seem to be able to get any friends and i don't know why. it's driving me crazy. i moved here ten months ago and the only people i meet are my girlfriends friends who always refer to me as their friends girlfriend and that is only if i call them. i feel like i've actually tried to get friends taking part in student activities, getting hobbies, getting a job. it just doesn't seem to happen. i feel so lonely and stupid all the time and i keep wondering what am i doing wrong. and to make it worse all my friends from where i used to live have completely stopped writing to me. the fact that i'm alone all the time and have started to feel like i can't be bothered to try anymore is really putting a starting to affect my relationship with my girlfriend. i just wish there was something i could do but i just don't know what it is that i'm doing wrong. i'm not asking for a best friend just some people to have coffee with or go out with sometimes. just had to write this down somewhere.
I have a tendancy to get really freaked out by personalities, to the point of avoiding certain people. I come off as so independent and strong and confindent, and I am to a certain extent. But the fact of the matter is I lack charm when I am on the spot, so I end up offending people and coming off as an asshole. It's a pattern, or maybe apart of my personality, that I have not been able to change.
I totally felt like a dork today! I have been working at the same place for years, so I have a group of work buddies. But everyone at work is really different from me, and today that was just blindingly apparent. Usually we all get along despite or differnces, but today we just didn't have anything in common. Sorry for the rant, I just felt so out of place today.
That sucks ginger kitty, well I don't know about you, but that when I totally freak out inside, sometimes, which makes things worse because that's when I come off as indifferent or like an asshole cause' folks don't get that I am zoning out and trying to go to a happy place.
I do the same thing hummingbird. I often come off as cold or indiffernt, and bitchy b/c when I am freaking out I try to disconnect so I don't get hurt or depressed.
I guess this is kind of similar, but if quasi-friends, coworkers, etc., are making plans right in front of me, I can't speak up and say "can i come" or "what are you all doing"...I have to be formally invited and usually I'm not. I suspect they think I'm not interested because I act like I don't care when I actually do, a lot.
Yeah, in a sense ginger kitty, my ineptness is all about trying to protect myself because I really don't get what happens when people get in large groups. I am ok one on one, but get a group of people together and the group dynamic is sometimes sooooo uncomfortable. It's worse when I am the only one uncomfortable, and better when everyone else is feeling weird too.

But it's the strangest thing with me, like I am fine with strangers sometimes, but in a community where let's say you see people and you talk but you don't really get to know eachother well...well...that's when my big dork shows up. It's happening right now with a girl in a dance class, and I was a bitch to her last week because she wouldn't leave me alone, and granted, looking back I should've said, "I don't feel chatty right now" but I just didn't. It's like I disconnected from what I was feeling in order to go into survivor mode and protect myself from these three people, who generally liked me. I have a way of turning the crowd against me.
So, now I am terrified because I think that she's going to turn the mob on me. She is the stronger personality, I'd say. When I am challenged by people, I clam up, and if they persist, I lash out. It's not healthy, but I am working on it.
One -Quarter of Americans Have No One to Confide In =842

thought that was interesting.

on a more up note:
I met the lady who had invited us to the memorial day cookout today.
she & her kids met me N frecklette & her friend at sonic for an ice cream playdate.
was ok.
no bells ringing that this is my new best friend for life, but ok all the same.
my standards are so damn, probably stupidly high though, remind me to go next time I make plans w/ her but then want to change my mind?
I really think I am alone so much anymore it's starting to be unhealthy.
That's kind of a depressing article. But at least I know I am not alone.

I have been so down about not having friends lately. Today some guy at work asked me if I was going to go party this weekend and I said no. Well he asked why and I thought to myself I have no one to party with. But I told him I just didn't feel like it. I am sure he would have invite me to hang out with him. But we just don't have anything other than work in common, and my hubby and I aren't partiers(Crap I don't even know how to spell partyers?)

*wonders off to sulk*
it feels really depressing when you have to make things up so you don't have to say that you don't have friends to do things with. i'm just so sick of people asking if i've made any friends here that i've decided to tell the truth from now on, even if it makes me look like a loser. i guess it doesn't make any difference.

when i was younger i was told that i'm a bit intimidating because i'm so quiet and just listen to what people are saying. i'm not the most talkative person and i know that. after that i've really tried to talk more to people i meet and smile so they don't think i hate them. it just doesn't seem to change anything.

i basically don't know where i should go to meet people i could be friends with. getting really desperate here...

hay! tell me about it. i have a few friends because i have lived here my whole life, but they are all so different and i just can't call them up to be like, hey do you want to do this with me because i do certain things with them. i dunno. i meet people, but i don't. it's weird. it's easier to meet guys now, which also means they are trying to get some which sucks but most of them are still willing to remain friends. i hate trying to be friends with people around my age or younger, it is so hard to make friends with my peers. older folks. no problem.
ok, let's just see may have to do with our signs...virgos usually keep to themselves...i am a it a safe bet to guess that most of the ladies that frequent this thread are virgos...prolly not...but what's your signs anyways...and cheer up ladies...i think your all wonderful...
I'm a Libra. It means I'm romantic and old-fashioned.

Today I interviewed someone for a major magazine. That felt like a bigger step in being social. Mostly I asked questions and let her lead the way with her long answers.
don't think about sings that much. but i've heard that's common for aquarius's:-)

i know what you mean about meeting guys. it's just is easier. or at least they respond if i talk to them. i guess i'm a bit too over sensitive with the whole do you like me as a person or do you just want to fuck me thing. i mean it's so often that i speak to someone for a while and everything seems ok and then it comes up that i'm in a relationship and they just completely loose their interest. hate that. am i giving wrong signals when i don't start every conversation with telling how wonderful my girlfriend is? i don't think so.

i'd love to hang out with people of my own age so i wouldn't have to end up talking about careers and loans and kids. those are a bit boring subjects for me at the moment since i don't have any of those. i just want to meet people i could have fun with, i'm not looking for anything more meaningful then that at the moment.
Sorry. I have very sporadic internet lately, and I need to vent. I met this chick who I instantly wanted to be friends with. She's just THAT cool. And after hanging out with me (in a group) only twice, she invited me to a BBQ at her house tonight. The invite list is pretty short, and I am so fricking flattered. But I'm not going. I'm afraid that I won't know enough people. Suck!

That sounds like an excellent time to practice non-dork skills, anna!
oblix you should totally Go!
this is hours past when you posted this, so if it's tonight/now, I sincerely hope you've changed your mind bc not only will you be able to hang out w/ a great person, but odds are she has great friends too.

Obelix, you should go! We can all live vicariously through you, if you get up the nerve to go.

I'm a capricorn, so I have a strong personality and need my friends to have strong personalities as well. Capricorns are also naturally distrustful of other people from what I have heard.
obelix, I vote for going.

i just watched two cars go by, i watched all the peoples around my age get in the car and go about their business on this beautiful saturday...gosh...i don't have anyone to call or hang out with...oh well...waiting for Mr.hmmmingbird now...

obelix, did you go? Please say you did.

I'm a leo. Which is odd, as I have a lot of the other leo characteristics. I'm comfortable and confident when I'm in my little group of friends, but outside that I'm quiet and shy. I'm not good at approaching people either, so I don't make a good first impression.
Obelix - I hope you went, but whether you did or not, please don't play my song of beating yourself up over it. But I have learnt that it's almost always better to do - grab every opportunity, even if you just decide to use it as practice (that's a good trick; you care less about te consequences cos you don't have to ever see the people ever again).

I dunno if I'm any help though - I'm still stuck on whether it's ok gig etiquette to go to a club by yourself. I can't be the only person to have ever been in a big city, disconnected, and just dying to get out and enjoy a little piece of it, can i? Because I feel, solo, like I'm exploring an undiscovered land
i always feel like such a jerk when i pass on any opportunity for social contact. i complain all the time about not having any friends, so how can i pass on any sort of invite, no matter how lame it sounds?

singsong, i think it is fine to go to a show by yourself. a few years ago i spent a semester in london. i did EVERYTHING by myself and it was so weirdly empowering. i don't have the nerve to go out by myself here at home. do you wanna go and talk to new people, or do you just want to enjoy the music? are you in nyc?
Hey laurenann (I love the name Lauren, it reminds me of the Sara Maitland story Daphne, um sidetrack anyway), thanks for the encouragement - I guess I want both, to see events & bands but also to have someone to catch them with as well. I'm trying to volunteer at a local NFP radio station, but my work schedule takes me out of town often enough to derail any plans I have for regular participation.
I'm not in NY - if only! le sigh! - I'm in NZ, in Auckland, which does have a decent little rock scene and lots of dance events.

& don't feel like a dork - there's no point in damning yourself if you do, or if you don't. Make your choices & enjoy them. I bet you can't beat my all-time Lame-O social event: a 'cultural display' evening which featured a yodelling group. I was there with my aunt's friends (in their 60s and crazy, not fun crazy either) and apart from us the audience was comprised of relatives of the performers. Apologies to yodelling fans, but ye gods...
shout out to all the dorks by themselves on a lovely summer saturday night.

i made a fruit salad and grilled mushrooms and corn for dinner, framed and hung some photos i've been meaning to find homes for, drank pink lemonade on the deck, and now i'm watching the office (original british version) on pbs.

the other day my roomate said that she admires people who can have fun by themselves, and she thinks it shows that they have good self esteem.

Having a really lonely day. Last night my mother told me that I need to make friends because she is sick of me relying on her all the time. That really hurt. (Maybe this belongs in the dysfunctional family thread?) I agree though, but find it very hard when I am a single mom living with my semi-suffocating father (in the sense that he likes to know where I am and who I am with at all times) and going to school full-time. Most of the people in my classes are either too young and party all the time, or older and actually have their own families that they are busy with. Thus, I am miserable. unsure.gif

I took a huge step in being more social today and I am extremely proud of myself. I got a myspace account a few months ago and joined a local group for people in my town. Once a month they have get togethers. This month was an ice cream party in a park.

My hubby and I actually decided to go and check it out. I was nervous, b/c we both are so shy around new people. But we agreed to step out of comfort zone and it ended up being pretty cool. It wasn't a huge get together so it was less intimidating. But everyone was really down to earth and we actually talked/held conversations to like seven or eight people that we have never met in our lives...a few people were going to see Clerks 2 afterwards and they invited us, but we didn't really have the money. But one girl invited us to housewarming party and everbody asked us to come to next months so it was pretty awesome.

i am really sad this weekend about not having any friends.

my boyfriend has become addicted to this online computer game and is being even more reclusive.

my ability to entertain myself and enjoy my own company severely waxes and wanes.

i hate watching netflix movies, walking down the street for coffee, knitting, going on the computer, listening to music, going to the grocery store, making something to eat, playing with my cats, puttering around the apartment...
mirabella- it's crushing to get that kind of feed back from someone you are so close to. i get that from my girlfriend at times. i do understand that it might be a bit too much for her that she's the only friend that i have here. BUT it doesn't help hearing that you're starting to be a burden. i hope you're feeling better.

singsong- thanks for the encouragement to doing things on my own. went out to a club by myself. it was so empowering! though i still think it's more fun going out with friends, i might do that again.

but i'm still a dork and still feeling lonely. now i'm waiting for my studies to begin again, so i can try to take part in all the possible student groups starting. trying to be positive:) and congratulations ginger kitty!! that sounds great
((Hugs to all of you))

I had never seen this thread here before, and I'm fairly new to the board..but, I've recently found myself in a similar position as many of you.

I am now living and working near the college I graduated from, and have watched all of my close friends move away one by one over the past 6 years. I'm in a great relationship, but I so miss having dear girlfriends nearby...the phone and internet just don't cut it!! At work, I'm lucky if there are 2 people close to my age in the building. le sigh.

I totally hear what all of you are saying about approaching new female friends...I'd rather ask a guy out; its that much easier!! Ahh well....
anna k
It's hard to maintain close relationships. I'm living in transition between college and the real world, and am planning to move away when I finish school next year. I live in NYC, and people are always moving in and out all of the time. The few I've been able to hang out with have their other schedules, so we find some afternoon to spend a few hours together before seperating.

I generally don't tell my friends much of my depression or troubles. One even told me she didn't like to hear it from me so much, so I curb of using her as a sounding board for my moans. I just keep it very loose, but it can suck not to have any close confidants, but just "friends" who are busy with their own troubles and lives to give sympathy for mine.
cellijenni, i am in the same situation (my boyfriend and i are the only two of our college friends who still live in boston) and i think a lot of other women here are in the same situation too.

the other weekend my two best girlfriends and their fiances came to visit and it was sooo lovely to have wonderful friends around again. it makes me want to move to chicago or albany to be with them! i mean, am i really going to meet another woman i can connect with when i already am lucky enough to have two good friends?

it just stinks, because it was so easy and felt so natural to make friends with those two women in college, and now is it so hard and feels so fake when i try to become friends with the women i hang around with now. this is a hard age - people are trying to figure out what they want to do, everyone is so transient, no one really has time or the emotional energy to invest in new friendships.
Oh my god, lauren. You hit the nail right on the head. I feel the exact same way as you. I have such wonderful friendships, and I'm good at keeping in touch...but its so difficult to find something like that when in a work environment vs. school.

I grew up in the Boston area, and now i'm in Hartford. Funny enough, one of my friends is moving to Chicago this weekend. I might be moving there myself, because I am really looking into going to Northwestern for a phD program. perhaps someday, I'll see you there!!!

The funny part is...there are a million other educated, smart, caring people in the same situation as us. But how the heck are you supposed to meet them, especially when you are in a serious relationship and its hard enough to spend time with him/her outside of work without being exhausted?!? There should be a "speed dating" luncheon for friendships or something...hehe.
actually that "speed dating" thing isn't a bad idea. But I would be much too shy to go.
My dorkiness is off the charts. I tend to wallflower it most of the time. I have a very gregarious girlfriend and I sort of crouch in her shadow when in social situations. Also, and I think this is a large contributing factor, I moved away from my hometown to be with my girlfriend-- so that basically means I'm starting from scratch friend-wise. If we hang with anyone at all, it's her friends. I haven't connected with any of them yet. I guess I don't really miss having friends until I'm in crisis mode. It would be nice to have someone who cared enough to let me whine at them. But when things are smooth, friends seem to be just another obligation in my already busy life. Is that a really selfish attitude?
*delurks* what am I, too dorky to post in the dory thread. *eye roll*

I'm never sure whether it's always me, or the more recently-identified depression (if that makes sense) that makes me fairly antisocial. I have a couple of really close friends, but even with them, I can be antisocial - it sounds terrible, but I have days when I just don't want to deal with people; I tend to be a bit "I like to have friends, but only when I want to hang out". like anna, I don't tell a lot of people about my depression - my closest friends, and - out of neccessity - my flatmates are aware, but it doesn't get discussed much. (that said, they're my rocks at times).

I moved around a lot as a kid; even now I move a lot. I guess I've only ever kept the friendships that mean a lot to me; it's easy to fall out of contact. I do keep in touch with a couple of girls from school, but it's very much a brief "you alive?" thing - although oddly enough, one of my closest friends now was a girl I was sort-of friends with in school (well, in the same social group, but on opposite sides of the spectrum). We now go to uni together.

typicalgrrl, that attitude isn't selfish - it's probably another way of looking at how I feel, actually. Friends when I want them.

(((everyone))) *goes back to lurking suspiciously in the corner*
gah. a return phone call from a fairly recent ex friend.
I had called her bc I found a watch in a novelty catalog that was something they collected.
was the right, decent thing to do, but was also an apt excuse to be in touch bc I missed her.
she was the one I went to the rolling stones concert w/ last oct & had such a total Blast.

anyway, now I remember why we're not still friends.
she's such a backstabber. petty. though, here I am complaining about her,so I am surely just as much.

I am rattled, but also relieved, bc as much as I had missed her, missed having someone I could Really talk to, all her baggage just wasn't worth the price and today reminded me of it.

that I prefer to be alone w/myself, and my -skin deep as opposed to soul deep- friendships, than to be close w/ someone who is hurtful. it's just not worth the cost.

yah me I guess?

((((((dork hugs))))))))
anna k
I feel so lonely. I'm living in my parents' home for the summer because I don't have any money for my own place. My sandwich job didn't work out, and I haven't had luck finding other jobs because they don't want short-term summer people when I'm only here for a month, and still need my own money. I still have to finish college, and I feel stilted, like I want to run off and start my post-collegiate life. I'm going to be 23 and I'm still in college. My peers have graduated and are living with their friends, and I'm all alone. I'll be returning in NYC in a month, but I hate having to set up dates to meet friends in NYC instead of having them at a closer convenience (even though I haven't had friends in my hometown for years). I get sick of riding on the train for an hour, manuevering my way through NYC, to meet up with a friend for a few hours, then go back home on the train.

I want to leave. My grandma gave me money for tuition, which was very generous of her. I can't stand another year of school to fulfill credits, being in classes with people a few years younger than me. I feel like a loser, like I'm in arrested development. My mom says that when I'm making my own money I'll feel better, but I feel like a loser living off of their dime because I'm too busy trying to graduate to support myself. I keep wanting to drop out, but I'm afraid of the people at the jobs I want finding out and not hiring me.

I wish school was finished now, I wish I had a secure job, and that I was living independently instead of being nearly 23 and still supported by my parents. I didn't think I would still being supported by this age, so it shocks and surprises me.
(((Anna K)))

I am so bummed, I found out the next party my little myspace group is having might end up being a karokee(SP?) party. Which so does not appeal to me. But I meet a few really cool people I would like to hang out w/ again at the last get together. Oh well.

Big hugs to all the inept dorks! (if only we all lived in the same town)
hey dorks. i did something really big (for me). a friend from high school invited me out with a bunch of his coworkers. i totally didnt want to go but forced myself. it was a good time, i felt like i was "on" and was tired when i came home, but it's a big step! yea!
I just found this thread. I used to be much more social then my ex just started to see one of my also ex best friends. My town is small so I now don't really go out that much b/c I'm afraid to see them. I cut my work hours quite a bit for the next few months so I can have some quiet time, long walks and just get my sadness out of my system. I've been really hard on myself and blaming myself for everything. I'm hoping if I spend more time on Bust - long-time lurker, 4th time poster- I might get some confidence back.

My hardest struggle with being alone so much is how nutso I start to feel. I try reading fiction to escape, watching movies with strong women who don't get hurt by men (or in some cases like my screen name, take revenge on them) and just trying to put myself out there at least on the internet. Baby steps are about all I can take outside of myself right now. Bust seems like a good and safe place to be who you want for awhile. Not in a fake way, but a kind of empowering way. You guys can't see what a emotional wreck I am, so it helps me feel strong if I can at least communicate with strangers for now.

(I'm not trying to get into the details of my bad relationships with my ex friend and ex partner here. Even as a newbie I not to derail threads.) But a little time spent alone can be good. Though too much I'm finding is nervewracking and leads to drinking, self-blame and sending horrible e-mails that I regret cuz they make me look so pathetic. I've always been really strong but I'm not strong enough to handle this experience yet.

Anytime I go out, I'm in a complete panic that I will run into friends from the relationship and one or both of them. It takes me awhile to get the nerve to post on here even. Unless I'm drunk and mad and need to relase something.

glad this thread is here. I hope to visit more often.
((((WK)))) I went through a bad breakup a few years back and responded much the same way. It sounds like you are consciously looking after yourself, making small decisions like taking walks which are good for you. I actually started posting much more on Bust after a breakup too and it helped me to feel better. Stick around! The Moving On thread can be quite helpful too, but I'm sure you aleady know that.

On-topic: I often work from home and sometimes I don't speak to anyone at all except people working in shops when I go out for milk or the paper. I quite like spending time on my own (working or relaxing) but I think I get a little weird after a while. I'll go into a shop and get in this animated conversation just because I haven't spoken to anyone all day.
Thanks. Daytime is always easier than the nightime. Even if it just seeing the hustle and bustle outside and realizing others are out there, even if I seclude myself.

This is actually the 1st time I've had "internet support" from anyone. I was nervous about posting anything in a thread that others would reply too. It felt really good to just have my feelings acknowledged, even if from a "stranger."

I already feel better. But then, it's still morning. I have the rest of the day to let my doubts take over.....
This place works well like that smile.gif The more you post the more you'll get used to it. Be good to yourself today.
I am a huge dork! I have been trying to get out more and forcing myself to socialize but I always get so nervous. I was invited to a party tonight, but I barely know the girl since we just met so I am all torn up whether I should go or not. It will be a small get together, the kind I feel best about going to, and it will be pretty laid back with artsy type people, but making new friends is like special torture for me.
Hey all, still a huge inept dork here. *waves to everyone*

I still can't seem to find people to talk to, either at work or when I go out. I've been forcing myself to be social at least once a week, but I feel very awkward and usually end up saying the wrong things. Last night I managed to scare off a guy at the bar by knowing more about music than he did and couldn't find anyone else to talk to. I've been unable to go out much thanks to work, and there everyone I talked to has quit and the new people are good at ignoring me.

I am trying to be friends with a couple that I know through AZ Guy, but at the same time I'm worrying they are being nice to be because they have to be, not because they think I'm cool enough for them. It's a stupid worry, but I wish I could erase these doubts from my mind.
instead of calling the old friends that live central to my folks, for the upcoming trip this week, I called an old OLD friend I've known sinse the 8th grade.

we've stayed friends, lost touch a few years, re connected, etc etc for almost 23 years now, but haven't actually set eyes on each other in 14?

I'm pretty psyched.
she was a nerd/dork in school at the same time I was, only I passed through it and she really didn't.
that said, she still made her own way in the world w/ her own cool screw-them personality which I've always admired.

she & her husband are driving the 3 hrs down to us and will finally get to meet the wee girl child (already taller than my friend) and my cat & dog ( we travel as a pack) and possibly the mr too.

.. I'm a little nervous about this, even though it's probably silly... I've gained so much weight and look Very different and she remembers me as a brunette.. vainity should not be an issue sad.gif
still, it's kinda like meeting a new friend at the same time.

ginger, did you go to that party?
please say you did! when I read your post I was thinking "go - go!- you really should!"

fyi: the neighbor I've been helping (the one w/ the 2 anklebiters) took me out to breakfast as a thankyou the other day. her mom is here & watched her kids so it was just she & I.
we had a really good time and as mean as this sounds, I wish she didn't have the kids (which would remove a lot of her issues w/ her futurely ex) bc she was cool to hang w/ without them.
sad.gif I didn't go...I reverted back to my socially retarded ways and rented a movie instead.

But I am going to picnic this Sunday with a bunch of people I have only met once so I am still attempting to be more social.

*crosses fingers and hopes to make new friends*
QUOTE(ginger_kitty @ Aug 8 2006, 05:59 PM) *

sad.gif I didn't go...I reverted back to my socially retarded ways and rented a movie instead.

But I am going to picnic this Sunday with a bunch of people I have only met once so I am still attempting to be more social.

*crosses fingers and hopes to make new friends*

2 steps forward and only one back, so that's still really good!

have a wonderful time & makes oodles of deep connections smile.gif
my visit w/ my old friend was Fabulous!!!!

it was like we were our old teenaged selves, only better, and ended up staying out til about 3:30 AM, me feeling like I oughta call my folks, then realising 'hey- I'm 35 now and don't Have to call for premission to stay out longer.' biggrin.gif weirdly liberating, like THIS is what we waited all those years to get to.

so so glad I called her, bc now, tho we still live in different part of the country, our bond is tighter than ever and I feel closer to her than I do anyone here still.

once again my standard for friendship is super high though, and I won't likely feel the need to try and meet anyone Here, even tho it looks like we are now staying put a good several more years and no longer have that Temporary Status & excuse.

le sigh.
Yay freckle!

Unfortunately, though I have been meeting new people lately, but I haven't made any real connections. I am just ending up w/ more acquaintances and no serious friendships. I suck!
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