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> Go Ahead...ask Me About My Abortion
starshine
post May 19 2007, 01:27 AM
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QUOTE(faerietails2 @ May 16 2007, 07:18 PM) *
*WARNING*


tro$$ alert .

You can spare yourself the bogus images of "aborted babies" (i.e., miscarriages, stillborns, etc.) by going to "My Controls" at the top of any page, then looking at the Menu on the left side of the screen. Way down at the bottom under "Options" is Manage Ignored Users. Just add WithoutExcuse to your list, and you're good to go!

You know what else this means, right? The BUST Lounge Xtian Fundie Fund for Abortions is on again! You can participate by donating any amount you want/can to pro-choice organizations (such as Planned Parenthood) for every post the tro$$ makes!


Here you go karcher. Congrats on the baby and thanks for sharing!


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karcher
post May 19 2007, 12:42 AM
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oh wow. thank you jan for starting this, and everyone who's chipped in.


our first child is due next month, and as it has been making its presence felt the last few months i often wonder about the one we could've had. it was early on in our relationship, and even though we could both see ourselves as parents down the track, we weren't ready. the decision was ultimately up to me. i cried so much and couldn't talk to anyone about it - the counsellors i went to i thought were useless and just 'didn't get it', the friends i told didn't know how to react, and i was scared shitless. with the cultural and religious upbringing that i had, there was no way i was going to let my parents know, let alone discuss with them about it. i had become a hippy vegetarian too, and one of the reasons was that i didn't want to 'hurt' animals. i was also working hard on my 'career', i wasn't ready to 'sacrifice' myself or my youth. the main reason i kept giving myself though, was that i didn't want to bring into the world a child who would not have a safe and comfortable home - not materialistically, just stable loving reasonable parents. those weeks were a nightmare, really.

it wasn't easier afterwards - i wouldn't say i regret the decision, but there were many times when i wondered how i could've done it, and wished i could've had a second chance. if i let myself i could feel my child being scraped off my womb, and i would imagine how it would try holding onto the cord, clinging onto its mummy. yes i felt my body was violated, but i was also aware that i had let myself be, and i hated that feeling - i had control, but that didn't mean i liked it.

today, as we prepare ourselves for the little one, we begin to realise how much it takes to become parents and how important it is for a couple to be strong enough to build a family (for us, that is), and we are so glad, so glad that we hadn't taken up this most important job when we weren't qualified. true, people learn as they go along, and there will be arguments to whatever i say, but knowing that we hadn't brought up a fucked-up kid and that we ourselves aren't fucked up (or so we like to think) are enough reasons to believe that it was not a wrong decision. in fact, i guess there really isn't a right or wrong decision, more importantly it's how one copes with it, and learns to live with it for the rest of one's life.

it really sucked having gone through it, and still living it. it's important for me to talk about it, and not just be dismissed as oh-you-poor-thing. i think i wouldn't hide it from my children, when they're old enough and if they want to know - it's part of me, part of their dad, and part of them. i don't know if i will ever face up to my folks though - i think for their peace of mind, maybe not.


many thanx for the space, and could someone please put up again the blocking instructions for the inconsiderate one who put up those horrendous pics? there were things i wanted to refer to in earlier posts, but i don't dare to scroll down again...
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thepointybird
post May 18 2007, 11:19 AM
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Jan - yeah, I'd been to England many times before the termination, we used to have family holidays on the north west coast of England when I was a child. I don't think I'd have told my parents if I could have helped it though, simply because the whole thing would have been a lot easier without the screaming rows that ensued with them! In the end they came through for me though, and gave me the money etc, although I had to pay my dad back every last penny in installments from my social security cheque! I think they were still pretty cut up about it. But I guess they eventually figured that the child they already had was more important to them than a potential one...

Treehugger, sounds like your experience with this guy was a nightmare. Did he know about the abortion? Did he approve, or would he have liked you to have had the baby? I was lucky in a way that I didn't have to think about the father's feelings on the matter - he was a guy I knew vaguely and had a one night stand with, and by the time I even knew I was knocked up he'd disappeared off to live in Amsterdam. It's an interesting discussion though, everyone's experiences are so different.
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treehugger
post May 18 2007, 05:14 AM
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Jan, thank you for posting this. I had an abortion too, when I was 16. I was involved in a really really abusive relationship...and I shudder to think what would have happened to me, and the baby too, had I went through with the pregnancy. It was a very trying time in my life in general, and I truly believe that the baby is in a much better place than it would have been with me, and the abusive man.


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i_am_jan
post May 17 2007, 11:22 PM
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pointybird: Wow. That is an incredible story!! See - I cannot imagine having had the additional problem of having to go cross-country to have the procedure done. You had remarkable courage to forge ahead and take care of yourself the way you did, esp. considering you really didn't have familial support in regard to your decision. I feel it was considerate on your part to not bring a known-to-be unwanted child into the world. I have to ask: do you think you would have told your parents had you not had to travel to another country to get the abortion? And had you even been to England before??
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starshine
post May 17 2007, 10:47 PM
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ditto on starting this thread jan! one of my closest friends has an amazing story about her abortion, and I use teh word amazing becasue it was such an incredibly positive experience for her (well, there was a lot of prejudice up to her having it, but as soon as it was done she felt overwhelming relief and like it was the best thing she could have done) - and when she told me about it it was the first time I'd heard the experience talked about so freely and with so much gratefulness for having had one. I love her telling her story because it helps make it okay. For some reason, it's okay to speak loudly against abortion, but not for it. I so don't get that. Especially since it is such a privilege to be able to make a choice about our bodies, I know it's a choice that I cherish having. So thanks and I hope people keep their stories coming.


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girltrouble
post May 17 2007, 09:04 PM
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jan, you rock. it takes a lot of courage to say the things you've said, and i think it's that courage that makes the world a better, healther place.


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"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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doodlebug
post May 17 2007, 06:38 PM
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jan, thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. A close friend of mine just went through an abortion (and the experience of trying to get one in the first place), and I know it's not an easy experience - but refusing to be silenced about it seems to help, in her case. I think it's important that women feel safe to speak their truths.

And on that note, everyone, just put the dumb troll on ignore. I already have.


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i_am_jan
post May 17 2007, 05:11 PM
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Lapis: I love what you have to say. It rings truth for me. And others I know who have had abortions. We are healthy women more than capable of making good and wise choices. Even at a teen age one knows whether or not she should be a parent. Yes, I am sane (although those who know me would challenge that with winks, winks, nudge, nudges), I'm well educated and have been told from a young age (toddler) that I am above average in intelligence, even "gifted" (although I must laugh at this, I certainly do not take myself that seriously and have never had a big ego as far as 'smarts' are concerned ; ) But I am a caring person to all of the people in my life and I am proud of that.

I did make a thoughtful choice that was 100% percent right for me when I chose abortion over life as a mother at the age of 16. God/Mother Nature is in each and every one of us and speaks to us through our consciences and hearts. We listen to God in our bodies as part of our survival. When we listen, we know what choices to make so that we can survive and live our lives.

I really appreciate all of the support on this board. After I first posted the thread, I must admit that I became afraid - ?. And then I realized how absurd it was that I should feel that way - ? Maybe like you said, that's why it's important to talk about our experiences openly if we feel we want to. And I feel more honest when I share my experience - it no longer feels like a secret I have to keep, or that I can't say the word "abortion."

My hope is that others will come in and share their abortion experiences as well. It certainly is a life-saving choice for those of us who have had to make it. I consider mine a story of survival.
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thepointybird
post May 17 2007, 04:57 PM
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I'm glad you started this Jan. I'm also glad that you made the point of never having felt regret. I also had a termination, at the age of 18, and not ONCE at the time or since did I feel any regret. It was right for me at the time, and yes, I'd do it again. Hopefully though I won't be let down by contraception again, as I was in that instance. At the time it was a huge deal - I grew up in Northern Ireland, where abortion was, and still is, illegal except for cases where the mother's life is endangered. My parents are stringently anti-abortion (not for religious reasons, they're not religious at all but my mother suffered repeated miscarraiges when she was young and both my brother and I are adopted), but because I was unemployed at the time, I had to beg and plead with them to lend me the money to travel to England for the procedure. They eventually came round when the realised how deadly serious I was about not going through with the pregnancy, and that I probably would have gone the backstreet abortion route without their help. I've never felt maternal, I felt absolutely nothing when I was pregnant, I had the abortion. And even though it was pretty horrific (I had a vacuum procedure), I have never once regretted my decision or felt bad about it. Like yourself, I only regret that it happened in the first place.
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lapis
post May 17 2007, 04:48 PM
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Jan, thank you. This is really important--people need to talk about their experiences. I posted about the problem of lacking (positive) narratives about abortions in our society in another thread awhile back. Creating a supportive environment and building vocabularies for personal histories seems like of part of the work necessary to make choice a real possibility for people. Violent reactions to abortions seem to stem from sheer ignorace (on the part of those who have not been through them), unresolved issues, and lack of compassion. And telling real stories--rather than posting inflammatory, inaccurate pictures, probable lies, and judgmental bullshit--is political and educational. I am grateful for your openness and hope more people do the same. You are proof that an abortion can be the right choice for a sane and healthy person--and it can be the right choice over time, as they look back. It makes me so angry that this decision gets left in the dark, that society makes it hard to talk about having an abortion in a way that's not laden with guilt. I think some of it is because women are socialized to not think for themselves, that personal decisions are seen as self-interested or selfish, even suggesting that putting the needs of a bundle of replicating cells is ideal to taking stock of your own needs. You did the right thing and continue to by making your experience public!
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missladyj
post May 17 2007, 04:01 PM
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thanks for sharing your story jan
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girltrouble
post May 17 2007, 10:54 AM
Post #13


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sorry, i meant to do this last night.


the bustie's least favorite troll goofy euphy is back, this link will take you directly to your blocking screen. just hit update, and he will be blocked.

new troll : withoutexcuse




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if he posts in other threads you can post this same link. here is the link info, but you'll have to add the brackets. i've set it up so you just have to put left brackets "[" on the first and second lines below:

url=http://www.bust.com/lounge/index.php?act=usercp&CODE=ignore&uid=26179]new troll : withoutexcuse
/url]



--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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i_am_jan
post May 17 2007, 10:31 AM
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Thanks for the support.

I feel that abortion is a responsible decision.

A legal, respectable choice made by millions of responsible citizens each year. And it should be treated as such, rather than silenced as some others would have it.

This does not make it a desirable situation to be in, like so many other unpleasant life situations one wouldn't choose to be in.

But it is a normal and acceptable topic for discussion.

Feel free to share your story if you want.
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_octinoxate
post May 17 2007, 10:13 AM
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jan, thanks so much for starting this thread and for sharing your experience so bravely and eloquently. I've never had an abortion so i don't have anything more personal to contribute, but i think you're absolutely right in saying how important this conversation is. best of luck to this thread.
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nickclick
post May 17 2007, 08:06 AM
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i love it!

Support Planned Parenthood's work!
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shinyx3
post May 16 2007, 09:36 PM
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i sorta like the little reminder from the only anti abortionist. when one posts something mean and visually upsetting, after my initial reactionof adding to my ignore list then watch for you, faerietails to keep me posted on how many post i am donating for. it is just a little reminder for me to donate to a cause that i hold near and dear!


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glassk
post May 16 2007, 08:36 PM
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Hmm.... might be worth talking about anyways. Start some productive conversation, mmm? Unless there's another good thread for this?


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faerietails2
post May 16 2007, 08:01 PM
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*WARNING*


tro$$ alert directly below this post.

You can spare yourself the bogus images of "aborted babies" (i.e., miscarriages, stillborns, etc.) by going to "My Controls" at the top of any page, then looking at the Menu on the left side of the screen. Way down at the bottom under "Options" is Manage Ignored Users. Just add WithoutExcuse to your list, and you're good to go!

You know what else this means, right? The BUST Lounge Xtian Fundie Fund for Abortions is on again! You can participate by donating any amount you want/can to pro-choice organizations (such as Planned Parenthood) for every post the tro$$ makes!


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i_am_jan
post May 16 2007, 03:03 PM
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Abortion is legal in this country. But one of the things the anti-choice have been successful at is making it taboo to talk about it if you made the choice to have one. Hush hush. And what if you were trying to make the decision whether to have a baby or not? Silence makes it difficult for people to ask one another about it or get any input from the people who've actually experienced it. I think now is as good a time as any to break the silence. And besides, I've never really discussed it that much.

It happened when I was 16 years old. My very first boyfriend. My very first sex.

I hadn't even taken an algebra class yet. Or an American Literature class.

My parents, I knew, were conservative Christians who would never let me choose anything for myself, including religion, friends, lifestyle, classes in school I wanted to take. Not even my boyfriend, who they hated simply because he was my boyfriend. I knew I couldn't go to them unless I wanted to have a baby at the age of 16 and be a mother throughout high school, college and for the rest of my life.

I grew up with five brothers and sisters in my house and several foster children as well throughout the years. I knew I didn't like being around other people that much. I knew I didn't like being responsible for my little sisters the way my parents always tried to make me, I didn't like being held accountable for others' behavior.

Bottom line: I didn't need to have many years under my belt to KNOW - just KNOW - in my gut - WITHOUT a question - knowledge and wisdom that I know in my heart came straight from Mother Nature - and was the essence of my very being and nature- that I was not cut out to be a parent. And I knew in my heart - that early on - that that would NEVER change.

No matter what I have ever seen, nor what anyone has ever said to me, that has remained true. TRUE.

I understand there are others who have questioned their decision to have an abortion, and I can certainly understand why a person might, and is certainly free to do so. But I personally knew without question after having thought it through.

If I had wanted to be a parent, I would have simply told my parents and went ahead and told them and become a mother. But there were too many other things I still wanted to do with my life and motherhood was not one of them.

I am almost 40 years old now and this remains true. Never have I been even remotely tempted to be a parent. The concept of someday possibly adopting does sound tempting to me when I choose to entertain thoughts of helping out a poor little helpless child who is already here through no choice of her own. But in my heart, I know that even that would not be for me probably.

So my boyfriend took me to see a doctor at the clinic. It was confirmed I was pregnant. We made a date to have the abortion and we kept it.

I've never wavered for one minute thinking that maybe it wasn't the perfect thing for me to do. I know that God told me that being a parent was not for me.

I also knew after it happened one thing: that I would get some form of birth control - which I did immediately by having my boyfriend pick up a bunch of rubbers - because I never wanted to go through the trauma again of having to make that decision, stress and worry, have my body invaded like that again. Go to a hospital. Put my life in the hands of doctors. Know what they were doing down there when I was having the abortion. Bleed for hours afterward. Take the pills afterward. Not be able to sleep. I did not ever want to have that happen to me again.

I'm so very glad abortion is legal and available and was an option for me.

I LOVE children by the way. My nieces and nephews, children of friends and strangers, I love them to pieces. The responsibility and caretaking of them is not for me however.

But mostly I just feel sorry for children in THIS world.

It's funny when people ask me so seriously "do you ever regret your decision to have an abortion?" I could never even imagine regretting it. The only thing I regret is getting pregnant in the first place and having to have it done.

Fortunately, we live in a world where abortion is legal and if I ever got pregnant again, I would have another abortion. But that would suck.

I am glad I live in a world where it is legal to talk about this stuff. That felt pretty good to say that stuff.
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