The Lounge Guidelines Help Search Members Calendar Blogs

Welcome Guest [ Log In | Register ] ]

3 Pages V   1 2 3 >  
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Support 'hos, the caregiving thread
designermedusa
post May 1 2009, 08:42 PM
Post #1


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 772
From: Florida


Thanks for your replies star and ap. I'm seeing my mom tomorrow for the first time since she went to the ER. I told my sister that I'm not tip toeing around her, and if she starts to act like a victim that I'm going to call her on it, and tell her it's not acceptable. I really think it's going to be fine though because usually after her hospital stays she is nice for awhile, and doesn't try to argue with me.

As I stated before I am working with a therapist to work out my family issues, and finding a way to tell my mother all the things I want to about my childhood. It's going to be difficult, but my mom needs to understand that the choices she made over 20 years ago still cause hurt. I'm just having a hard time because I have a lot of sympathy for my mother. It will get better, and I can only hope that once I can talk to my mother about all this stuff that she will understand my views.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
stargazer
post May 1 2009, 04:09 PM
Post #2


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


(((DM))) Wow. That sounds like such a tough position to be in. It is good to know that you are in therapy during this time. It sounds like in the end, there is just frustration with your mother's choice to not make her health a priority. Trying to set boundaries in an alcoholic family is tough and having to do it when your mother is dependent on you for care is extra difficult. I agree with AP that I don't think you are being uncaring. You are doing the best that you can.


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Apr 28 2009, 04:57 PM
Post #3


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Wow. I nearly singlehandedly killed this thread with my deathwish. Who knew she'd be dead a week later?

I don't think you sound uncaring at all, Designermedusa. It isn't right for you to have to drop everything to tend to somebody that didn't tend to you when you needed it. You're doing what you can & nothing more can be asked of you.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
designermedusa
post Apr 28 2009, 07:23 AM
Post #4


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 772
From: Florida


I don't know where to start with my mom. She has many health issues, takes countless prescribed medications, has been in the hospital many times in the past couple of years, and yet she doesn't do what the doctors tell her to do. She needs to eat better (less sodium and fat) and exercise. She does not exercise at all, and considering her high blood pressure and cholesteral she should.

I guess my main issue with my mom is she has always played the victim, and I have always felt like the adult. I know she loves me, but she neglected my sister and I when we were little due to her being an addict. She was a functioning addict, but still an addict. I believe she made terrible choices that put me and my sister in some bad places. All my life she has wondered why we are not that close, and I just have never had the courage to tell her why. I am working on this with a therapist, but am still not ready.

My mom tries to manipulate me into feeling sorry for her when I know many of her health problems are due to her addictions. She has been in the hospital many times due to her drinking. My sister and I have thrown her liquor out, and she promises to stop, but she starts right back up. She claims to be alcohol free now, but I don't know if I believe her.

I have really bad anxiety about going to hospitals, but my mom guilt trips me if I refuse to see her when she is in the hospital. I went to see her this past week when she was in the hospital, and she claims she knows how hard it is for me. Well, if you know how hard it is then why are you asking me to come? Then she called my sister on Sunday and basically demanded that we both go to her house because she thought she needed to go to the ER. We get there and she was already feeling better, but she wanted our opinion if she should call an ambulance. I really believe she wanted to see if I would come, so my whole weekend was basically ruined because of her manipulating ways. When she was in the ER on Sunday after just getting out on Saturday I told my mom that me and my sister could not stay, and it wasn't fair to have us sitting up there for no reason on our weekend. My father had went fishing, and left her at the house by herself, so my sister said he was selfish. My mom said he needed some time to himself, and I said well yes we do too. She did not see that she is depending on her daughters more than she was her husband.

Before this recent hospital stay my mom was going through all these tests with her throat, and she would call me and cry and go on and on about money and her health. I finally had enough courage to tell her that I have anxiety about my own health, and listening to her problems along with all her friend's problems just makes it worse. She claimed to understand, but it wasn't a week later and she was calling me again with her issues.

I know to some that I seem uncaring because I am not willing to drop everything for my mother, but the painful issues that have went on since childhood are the root reasons.

Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
stargazer
post Apr 27 2009, 12:57 PM
Post #5


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


Bump for DM


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 26 2007, 09:48 PM
Post #6


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Thank you for your kindness, Stargazer & Minx.

Well, he came home drunk again. He had to go to a funeral this morning, so he'd been drinking all day. I asked her again if this is a regular occurence & she said no. Which is a lie since she wasn't the least bit concerned when he hadn't shown up by dinner time & *I* was.

The only good thing about him when he's drunk: He speaks very softly. Usually he's full blown redneck hollerin', but trashed he's quiet as a slumbering babe.

ETA: I AM SO SICK OF ALL OF THESE HEADGAMES! All day long I've been helping her get off of the toilet just fine. Because she was pissed at him for getting drunk, she staged a fall down. So began the pity party. We put the hoist on her (Because he was drunk it was all twisted up & too loose.) & got her onto her hands/knees. It took her twenty minutes to *crawl* the ten feet to her bedroom & then we had to pick her up & put her in bed. Where she started to fucking cry. I was so disgusted I left the room. When I went back in he drunkenly tried to get me to tell her that she needs to exercise. I told him that we could talk alll we wanted she was going to do what she was going to do. And I took her weed, pipe, & lighter. HAH!

THIS IS HER FAULT! SHE MADE THE CHOICE TO EAT POORLY & STOP EXERCISING! IT IS NOT MY FUCKING FAULT THAT SHE GAVE UP ON LIFE. I WANT TO SHAKE HER & SLAP HER! IT ANGERS ME TO KNOW HOW MUCH I HAVE GIVEN UP BECAUSE OF HER SHIT! AND SHE HAS THE NERVE TO BE BITCHY & RUDE TO ME! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! DIE YOU FAT BITCH, JUST FUCKING DIE SO I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE WITHOUT THE GREAT GUILT-DEALING ALBATROSS YOKED 'ROUND MY THROAT!


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
stargazer
post Nov 22 2007, 09:35 AM
Post #7


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


(((AP))) it is hard to be around that environment. i hope you are doing what you can to take care of yourself. more hugs for you (((((AP)))))


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
minx
post Nov 22 2007, 07:07 AM
Post #8


Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.
***
Posts: 1,178
From: The dregs at the bottom of your coffee cup


Hey AP, this sure as shit isn't my jurisdiction, but I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today. This could so easily happen to my mom. Lemme know if'n you want me to Fed Ex you some righteous stuffing and a bottle of wine.

Kisses.


--------------------
It is too late now
Because

You have not been
paying attention
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 21 2007, 10:19 PM
Post #9


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Ha! I wish, but the gesture would be lost on everybody but my mother.

Twice! Twice in three days he has come home HAMMERED. Not a tipsy, not buzzed, but full blown drunk. And the crazy thing is HE DRIVES THAT WAY! He went out to run last minute holiday errands at 6:30, came back four hours later. Even though he knew I had just slipped dinner in the oven.

I asked my mom today if the getting wasted thing was a habit. Of course, she lied & said no. "I drink more than he does." RIIIIIGHT. He'd have to drink as much as she does to stay with her.

And to think I have to get up tomorrow morning & clean from top to bottom for his fuckin' kids.

ETA: In his thoroughly TRASHED state he is fucking with the expensive tv in the living room since it crashed tonight during Criminal Minds. The small flatscreen cost $650. This one is twice as big & has all the whistles & bells.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
stargazer
post Nov 21 2007, 09:02 PM
Post #10


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


you could always play the beverly hillbillies theme when they walk in the door. wink.gif


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 21 2007, 04:10 PM
Post #11


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


He's bringing the whole redneck clan over tomorrow! Whoopee!

I'll be at my grandparents.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 19 2007, 05:11 PM
Post #12


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Have I mentioned that the redneck is also a drunk? I haven't? Well, he IS. Mom had a Drs appt today at five. He got here around four & he was PLOWED. He admitted he'd had NINE beers on his way into town. Nine beers in forty-five minutes. NINE! Then he started opening fresh beers when he already had one going.

Oh, & he's a maudlin drunk. The kind that wants to get in the car & go home & keeps apologizing for nothing.

Were it not for the intarwebs, I would be sitting in a cell right now booked for double homicide.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
stargazer
post Nov 16 2007, 05:40 PM
Post #13


brown delicious
***
Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


AP, i would encourage you to get a nurses aide for at least some help with showering. argh. there is so much i want to say, but don't know if it will help. lemme know if you care to hear. i will PM you.

(((AP)))


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 16 2007, 05:32 PM
Post #14


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


For the sweet love of Mike! Today took the cake. My grandparents & uncle stopped by, mom refused to see them. I gave them the 411, she decided to take a shower. She stank & she has a weeping rash beneath her huge, swollen left breast (I think she has a lymphatic blockage or an abcess inside.). I was enetertaining family when she wailed. I assessed the damage & sent the fam away. Emergency! She'd decided to piss whilst in the shower & WHOOSH! out came the shit. She's been bleeding somewhere in her upper GI, so her shit has been black, tarry, & foul. I rinsed her ass as best I could, but she's so heavy that I couldn't hold both asscheeks open & wash her at the same time. I needed four hands! I got her out of the tub & onto the toilet, where she discovered she couldn't wipe her ass. I laid down a towel on her bed, got her into it, & I wiped her shitty ass like a baby. Then I called my uncle to take me to the liquor store where I proceeded to buy three handles of vodka.

I did not sign on for this. At no point did anybody mention that I'd be wiping the melena shitted ass of a grown damned woman.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 14 2007, 06:15 PM
Post #15


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


The aversion to technology is insane, isn't it?

I have bitten my tongue so many times it's nearly raw.

Criminy, but the redneck is annoying! He has this habit of talking to people like he's talking to somebody slow. He gives a verbal play by play of everything. EG: The HUGE fucking EXPENSIVE ass plasma flatscreen that now dominates the living room was being wonky. I explained it to him, he started fucking with it & spent the next ten minutes telling me exactly what I told him. He's a worrier/dad type, too. Before I got here, he & my mom talked about me driving her around & he found out I don't have a DL. I lived in civilization, I didn't need one. It was just decided that I was getting one & that I'll be driving some car of his. I explained that it was a waste, I can't transfer it when I move back home & I don't really need it. The doctor's office, hospital, packie, & grocer are all a straight shot. Now he pesters me about it. Today he noticed my flipflops & decided we needed to go shopping to buy me some shoes for winter. I lived here for eighteen years. I will be thirty-three on Nov 30. I BROUGHT WINTER SHOES, DAMNIT! AND A COAT! I AM NOT RETARDED!

This is seriously fucking with my relationship. For the first time in my life I am in a great one & it's about to blow up in my face. He's mad at me for coming out here & doing this all over again. "She's the parent, she's using this as a means of control, you have a life too, she's going to do this every time you get some distance between you, blah, blah, blah." I know he's right, but she's my MOM. I may not like her or her games, but I do love her. She's half of what makes me me. Well, maybe a fourth of what makes me. I'm half my dad, a fourth my mom, & a fourth raised by tv.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
MsYuefie
post Nov 13 2007, 01:41 PM
Post #16


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 158


That is what this thread is for. And that being said, I am going to do a little venting of my own.

The family member that I care for is so farking lazy sometimes that it makes my blood boil. The other day I got so annoyed before I left for my doctors appt. that my normally low blood pressure read borderline high. Fortunately when they rechecked it before I left it had gone down some. Seriously, sometimes it makes me feel like my head or my heart is about to explode. Maybe someday I will get in to the specifics, but today that is best left alone.

Then there is the frustration I feel with my pops, who is in a care facility, which makes me feel like a horrible daughter. He had a cell phone, which he thought he lost. Then he found it and I had to have the service reinstated. Then he lost it for real. So I bought him a new one and took it up to him over the weekend. It's almost exactly the same as the old one, which I did on purpose knowing he would be resistant to learning anything new. I programmed all of his numbers in the phone book and then showed him that the phone book function is the same. Also that all the buttons do the same things and he still thinks it's too difficult to use. He doesn't like the new one and wants his old one. I've explained that they don't make that exact model, that this one is the most similar and that the old one being lost means he CAN'T have the same phone. I've gone over it till I'm blue in the face. I can call him but he refuses to place outbound calls. It's the same, for chrissakes! I try so hard to not get annoyed with him, I realize he has dementia. But this is not a matter of him being confused, this is him being obstinate.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 13 2007, 01:13 PM
Post #17


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


I drank last night. A lot. I wasn't hammered like the redneck was, but I wasn't feeling any pain. Argued with HB over the net about things for several hours before I collapsed at five am.

I'm it, yo. Only child. My grans are in their seventies & my one auntie is a complete nutter. She comes once a week or so to clean, but she mostly just moves shit around & acts crazy. We could hire a nurse, but it'd be a waste of funds. My mom is VERY vain. She'd be deeply embarrassed & wouldn't cooperate with a stranger, she barely cooperates with us. EG: Her hair is a rat's nest, I'm pretty sure we're going to have to cut out hunks from the back. She could have had the redneck or my auntie brush it out weeks ago, but she was too humiliated to ask them to. Again, not a damn thing wrong with her hands, she just let it go wild out of sheer laziness.

I've had my fingers up her poopchute. I've washed her vajayjay. Yet she still pulls this shy, delicate flower shit with me, too.

Oh, & you know what? There's ONE bathroom. ONE. And she spends upwards of forty-five minutes at a time on it. I needed to piss & have a grumpy this morning & I had to wait an hour.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. Ya'll better get used to me being 'round here.


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
sybarite
post Nov 13 2007, 10:34 AM
Post #18


it's cards on the table time
***
Posts: 1,993


Short answer AP: Yes, he should put on some boxers, preferably PJ bottoms or similar. I hate wearing a dressing gown, but I will when people visit. Common courtesy.

Longer answer: I'm sorry for what sounds like a stressful situation, to say the least. You may have covered this somewhere else, but isn't there anyone who can help you look after your mum, on an ongoing basis? I can see why you may not want to leave her in the hands of the redneck BF, but honestly, it doesn't seem fair this all lands on you: you have your life too.

Sorry if the above is too blunt; I don't really have experience of caregiving *knocks wood* so I don't really have a useful perspective. You're not a crybaby though; in your shoes I'd probably already be out the door--even if temporarily.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
auralpoison
post Nov 13 2007, 03:01 AM
Post #19


Big Fat Bitch
***
Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


Thanks Yuefie. I still feel weak, though.

A line has been drawn in the sand. Since I've been here, my mom's creepy-ass BF has been staying at his own place. Which I thought was dumb. He LIVES here. I'm thirty-two yrs old, I know what live-in slap & tickle is like. So he stayed tonight. BUT. BUT. She started bellering a bit ago & had me let out her dog. After five min or so, she started bellering for the BF cos she was stuck on the loo again. I did not know this, & went to fetch said animal. I almost saw him nekkid. It took a bit of convincing to get the dog in, my mom was hollering the whole time for BF to help. He couldn't get out of bed because I was in eye sight of his johnson. It happened again a short time later. Is it wrong for me to demand that he wear shorts to bed? I mean, I usually sleep raw myself, but out of respect, I sleep clothed here. Is it too much to ask that he sleep in some draws? I do not want to see redneck dick. I think it's only fair . . .


--------------------
"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
MsYuefie
post Nov 12 2007, 10:56 PM
Post #20


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 158


((((ap)))) this space is for support and venting, which you did. you are not a crybaby.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

3 Pages V   1 2 3 >
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Lo-Fi Version Time is now: December 20, 2014 - 08:50 PM