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> Committed, Part 2, In a relationship and or marriage, not quite the loonybin.
Persiflager
post Feb 9 2011, 01:16 AM
Post #41


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From: Babylon


(((angie)))

The only ex I've stayed friends with was the one who broke up with me as soon as he realised it wasn't working. It was horrible at the time, but even then I was grateful for the fact that he was honest and hadn't dragged things out. And honestly? I think it was harder for him, becasue he had to deal with all the guilt and doubt.



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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
Morris Kline (mathematician, author) 1908-1992
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buttercups
post Feb 8 2011, 06:05 PM
Post #42


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I don't have much to add, because everyone else put things so perfectly, but just want to offer my support too angie. What you did takes so much strength and I really admire you for that. I know it's so hard, but you did what you had to do and I think you will feel so much better for it in the end. Hang in there and know that we are all here for you no matter what happens. <3
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angie_21
post Feb 8 2011, 06:03 PM
Post #43


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From: Alberta


((busties))

Thank you so much everyone, you are all so wonderful. I'm just so worried about him, I want to call just to make sure he's OK but I know that's a bad idea, and I know that's he's not so what can I do anyways? I've spent the entire afternoon in complete doubt of myself and terrified of what I've done and what will happen in the near future. I was so scared of hurting him I didn't stop to think how much ending this would hurt me too. I know I am going to lose him as a friend and as part of my life and it makes me feel sick. Maybe it's not worth it.

But then I read what I wrote before and it is still true, I'm not in love, I don't miss him or love him the way he misses me, and I was so unhappy with the life we had made together. I haven't been respectful of his feelings while I've been away and he deserves more than I can give him. My last relationship I dragged out for over a year after I first came to the realization that it probably wasn't going to work, and it was such a huge mistake. I didn't want to act so quickly on this, I don't know if I was ready, but the conversation started, he was worried and said that I didn't seem to care about him anymore. I knew it was the right time, and the longer I've waited to act, the more sad and hurt he was getting at my inability to show the same feelings I used to have.

I'm going to school and trying my best to do everything as normal. It's hard being away from all my closest friends at a time like this, i'm more alone than I would otherwise be. I'm glad you're all here smile.gif
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stargazer
post Feb 8 2011, 04:18 PM
Post #44


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(((angie_21)))


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ketto
post Feb 8 2011, 01:59 PM
Post #45


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Posts: 695
From: Winter Land


(((angie))) It sounds like this was coming for a while - I'm not entirely surprised that it moved quickly into a discussion about ending things. I've been in the position of hurting someone I cared for and it always surprised me how hard it was on my end. I can see now that I selfishly I played around with his emotions because I didn't want to have to feel guilty or to hurt anymore. The pain is unavoidable from both sides but it sounds like you're feeling pretty confident in your decision.

I think everyone who commented is right; you're in a grieving period now and the end (or ending) of a long relationship is a big loss. Make sure you're taking care of yourself right now and have lots of positive supports around you - you know you've always got the lounge too.


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Persiflager
post Feb 8 2011, 10:41 AM
Post #46


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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


(((angie)))

Try to take care of yourself as much as you can for the next few weeks, while your heart sorts through everything. Make sure you eat, take naps if you need them, get some fresh air if you can. You're going through a bereavement, and it's SO hard.



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“Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.”
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dj-bizmonkey
post Feb 8 2011, 07:58 AM
Post #47


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wow angie, after reading everything you had written i did not expect you to move this quickly, but good for you to stand by what you really feel. breaking up is never easy, even if you are doing it for the right reasons. if someone cheats on you or does something else reprehensible you can just cut them out of your life. you can write them off and say, that person was a jerk and i am better off without him/her. but when the loves is gone, or when things just don't feel 'right' i think it is sooooo much more difficult. i think the hardest part will be the next few days or weeks for you. you will probably have a lot of second thoughts, doubt, guessing. however, always remember to listen to your heart. listen to that inner voice because it will never steer you wrong. sit quietly, clear your mind of all the anxious questions and really listen to that voice and i think you will find it agrees with your decision. in a battle between your logical mind and your unconscious, the unconscious wins out in the end every single time. you can talk yourself into anything for a spell, but that will wear off eventually and you are left with what you felt originally. of course i can't tell you that you made the right decision because i'm not in your shoes exactly. but i can tell you that all the pieces fit, and if you stay strong and keep the separation up you will feel better sooner than you might think. the tough part is making a clean break for an adequate amount of time so you don't end up getting back together out of guilt or fear. it sounds like he is a really understanding guy and is willing to respect your boundaries. i had a friend who was in a similar situation but the guy didn't respect her space. he kept calling her and showing up unannounced. she ended up getting back together with him, getting engaged, only to leave him a week before the wedding. stay strong and remember you have a great support network in the flesh and on the interwebs. good luck!

hi anarch!! *waves ecstatically* long time no see, really missed this place and it is great to be back!


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sybarite
post Feb 8 2011, 04:53 AM
Post #48


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(((((Angie))))) Trust yourself, and come back in here as much as you need. FWIW, I think you did the right thing from what you've said, but it can be hard to keep seeing that. You are strong and wise and are also being straight with him, which is important to remember.
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angie_21
post Feb 8 2011, 02:14 AM
Post #49


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Well I did it. I suggested taking a break but it very quickly changed into being it, he knew that if I wanted a break its because I didn't want us anymore. And the conversation ended with him asking me to think about it more, and I promised I would. And he said he wouldn't call, he would wait for me to call him. So it's not 100% final, but for a 5 year relationship, it's pretty big. That rates up there with the worst experiences of my life, ever. I think there's been worse but I have no idea what they were. I hope so much that he is going to be OK, I am so worried about him now I can't sleep. I'm terrified I made the wrong decision, that I'll regret it. I feel like I won't, I feel like I did the right thing, but I don't know if trusting my emotions is really possible right now.
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anarch
post Feb 8 2011, 12:15 AM
Post #50


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dj, I'd be annoyed too.

And I'm so glad to see you around these parts again! *dance of joy*
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dj-bizmonkey
post Feb 4 2011, 06:58 PM
Post #51


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QUOTE(angie_21 @ Feb 4 2011, 09:57 AM) *
I just tested my facebook and it looks like you can only block seeing posts from people you are friended with. Darn. that would have been an easy solution. I like Persi's suggestions. I think one good thing is that he isn't hiding his interactions with her from you. That would be a reason to start not trusting him. If they're out in the open, at least you know what's going on. I understand how you feel, her behavior is pretty rude and downright mean if she is trying to keep him hanging on just for the attention. But why is he still friends with someone who treated him so horribly? It would drive me absolutely up the wall.


thank you so much Persi and angie! i think i also just needed to hear that this would be annoying to anyone, and not just me. angie, that is my exact same question! if someone treats you like dirt why do you persist in being their friend? honestly i think it comes down to his spiritual principles of turning the other cheek and forgiveness. i have a lot of respect for them, but i don't agree with them. it isn't just my jealousy, it's also my protective nature. i know he loves me and that he'd never leave me to be with her, but i know how much pain she caused him and i don't want her to be able to continue to do it. we are 'in a relationship' on facebook, and he just recently changed his profile picture to one of us together. he also writes things like 'te quiero preciosa,' on my wall very often. it's obvious to the facebook world, including she who must not be named, that we are in a relationship and wild about each other. i've decided i'm not going to say anything. if he wants to erase her, fine, if not, fine. i can't let this person who has no stake or care in my life whatsoever affect my well being. at the end of the day, i know he loves me and i love him. no flaky, directionless ex-whatever can come in between. honestly, i just needed to put it all out there and i feel MUCH better now. thanks for listening and replying.

QUOTE(angie_21 @ Feb 4 2011, 09:57 AM) *
I never had any idea how many other women go through this kind of thing. I let myself believe my relationship was perfect and special, some kind of exception to the rule, and so when things started getting difficult, I let myself believe my problems were special too. How stupid is that? Ha.


i totally know what you are talking about here. what's funny is ALL people, regardless of culture or upbringing want the same basic things in life. from a partner we want to know that we are valued and appreciated. all relationships are WORK, whether they are familial, platonic, or romantic. i think we all forget that, especially when we are inundated with unrealistic portrayals of romantic love and relationships from movies and television.

it sounds like this would be a bad time for you to break up, angie, just remember that it is never 'a good time.' don't get trapped in that cycle. if you are able to work things out when his life is not so turned upside down, more power to you, but always allow yourself the out. you get one shot at this life (maybe more but you won't be consciously aware of them) so you have to make it count. good luck and thanks again!

p.s. on a random note, have any of y'all seen the PBS program 'This Emotional Life,' ? it is pretty amazing. the first installment is all about positive emotions, family friends and lovers, the third is about happiness and why we look for it in the wrong places. you can stream it on Netflix instant.


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angie_21
post Feb 4 2011, 10:57 AM
Post #52


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I just tested my facebook and it looks like you can only block seeing posts from people you are friended with. Darn. that would have been an easy solution. I like Persi's suggestions. I think one good thing is that he isn't hiding his interactions with her from you. That would be a reason to start not trusting him. If they're out in the open, at least you know what's going on. I understand how you feel, her behavior is pretty rude and downright mean if she is trying to keep him hanging on just for the attention. But why is he still friends with someone who treated him so horribly? It would drive me absolutely up the wall.

Delibelly, I projected my own issues onto your relationship. Sorry for misunderstanding your comments. I have decided to give things more time. Partly because he just found out a few days ago his grandmother has terminal aggressive cancer with a few months left to live, and we find out next week whether our cat may be dying of kidney failure. Yay. This is not the right time for us to deal with the relationship without a lot of outside emotions being involved, and I doubt things would go well. I don't want anger or bitterness to be any stronger than they have to be. We are going to visit eachother a few times this semester, and give things a chance to work themselves out. If they don't I think a break while I am in the field will be in order, but we will take this as it comes. It might be dragging things out, but there will be three weeks at the end of the semester to deal with this properly and not over long distance.

My baggage is seeing my mom and dad's relationship, they stayed together, and they are happy, but my mom was so very much held back in her life by staying with my dad. They love eachother, but it was a lot of work for them to stay together and my dad is very selfish and my mom is always working so hard to keep everyone in the family happy. She doesn't do anything for herself, ever. No matter how hard I try I always end up following her example, and end up unhappy in my relationships because of it. It's not my boyfriend's fault I never ask for anything from him, and let myself become resentful anyways.

I was sitting in my office crying over the whole situation a few days ago (so embarassing, I am letting this affect me professionally) when my office mate came in. We ended up going for lunch to talk about it and she is in the middle of a very similar relationship crisis. We both loved the independence of going to school and having our own lives, and aren't as happy in our relationships anymore because of it. We feel a bit held back by our old lives, and we feel we are also holding back our significant others by making them wait on us. But we don't want to end a lifetime relationship because of a few years at grad school. I never had any idea how many other women go through this kind of thing. I let myself believe my relationship was perfect and special, some kind of exception to the rule, and so when things started getting difficult, I let myself believe my problems were special too. How stupid is that? Ha.

And yeah, I'm afraid of leaving and being in a small town in a foreign country with nothing. It's not true, I've made great friends here, and have my family back home, but it's still scary to lose so much emotional and financial support while I'm away at school.
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Persiflager
post Feb 4 2011, 01:07 AM
Post #53


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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


Dj_bizmonkey, are you two 'in a relationship' on Facebook?

Maybe you could put up lots of joint cute photos, and ask your boyfriend to post a fews statuses like 'BF thinks his girlfriend DJ_bizmonkey is the most awesome girl ever!'. She might not realise that you two are so serious.

Is there a way on Facebook to block her posts from your newsfeed?

Don't feel bad, she'd piss me off too! Staying friends with exes is fine, but flirting with exes who now have girlfriends is not so cool.

If he's not responding, do you think she'll get bored soon and stop?



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dj-bizmonkey
post Feb 3 2011, 09:20 AM
Post #54


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QUOTE(Synergy @ Feb 3 2011, 06:41 AM) *
Dj_bizmonkey, i don't understand how you can say 'i trust him but i don't trust her'. Trusting him is the only thing you can and have to do right?


you are absolutely right, all of this just seems to be confirming that i AM acting crazy....


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Synergy
post Feb 3 2011, 07:41 AM
Post #55


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Wow angie_21. I feel for you and your situation.
A lot has already been said here. I broke up with my man about 1 year ago. We were tohether for 3 years, only he deserved it. But it wasn't simple because of all the emotions involved. I moved in with him, so breaking up would mean i was leaving with nothing.

The one thing i learned is that i want to be happy and i wasn't happy in the relationship. But happyness is something to figure out for yourself, dellibelly's situation is a perfect example in my opinion. Although not perfect it is the situation she is happy in.

What helped for me, or what i should have done sooner is write things down. I talked a lot about the relationship while still being in it, mostly with my sister. We still talk about it and now that i've gained the emotional distance because of breaking up, i can see tings more clearly. I also remember things i 'forgot', those are things i didn't want to remember i guess because i was so buisy with trying to see the good things in him and wanting to make it work. So the next time i would be in a situation like this i would write it down so i can't forget. This can also mean writing down the good stuff.
And if you want a clear picture, try to write the stuff down in a good column and a bad one. That will give you an overview to see if the good things weigh up against the bad ones.


Dj_bizmonkey, i don't understand how you can say 'i trust him but i don't trust her'. Trusting him is the only thing you can and have to do right?


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dj-bizmonkey
post Feb 2 2011, 08:59 PM
Post #56


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yeah, i hear your stargazer, and i realize it is MY problem and not his. i'm friends with some of my ex's too, but not the ones who broke my heart. it honestly is just stupid facebook, totally an out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. if i didn't have to face it electronically, it wouldn't bother me and i wouldn't think about it, because i DO trust him and it isn't my style to go through phone records or hack into his email account. i just wish it was something i didn't have to see on a daily basis.

i've never asked a boyfriend to do this before in my life. i've never really been the jealous type. i think it's that i know way too much of her side of the story (from our mutual friend) and what her intentions are/were and the kind of person she is. it isn't the kind of friendship where they would help each other through tough times. she left for the U.S. and they didn't communicate at all for an entire year, despite the fact that he tried to contact her. he hasn't done anything inappropriate and i sincerely believe that he wouldn't. however she continues to post flirtatious messages and innuendos that i have to see. it's her behavior that i take issue with and not his. but obviously i don't have any control over that and neither does he. i guess i don't feel like it is an unreasonable request to remove someone from your facebook friends. i never asked him to cut her out of his life completely.


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stargazer
post Feb 2 2011, 08:15 PM
Post #57


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QUOTE(dj-bizmonkey @ Feb 2 2011, 01:14 PM) *
when we talked about it the first time he agreed with me that she didn't care about him, but he also said according to his principles it wasn't right to turn your back on someone, even if they hurt you and did you wrong. Still, he told me he would do it for me and he told me that he would erase her completely.


Well, it sounds like he was willing to defriend/discontinue communication with her for you. At the same time, you cannot expect some people to defriend or stop being friends with an ex. I agree with him that you don't have to turn your back on someone. Shit, I helped my ex (whom I'm still friends with) deal with a bad breakup. It sounds like you are having trouble trusting him.


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dj-bizmonkey
post Feb 2 2011, 01:14 PM
Post #58


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hello ladies! i would like to break into the conversation and pick your brains regarding my relationship. i haven't really posted in here very much because i haven't been in a serious relationship since 2008.

here is the basic breakdown. i met my current boyfriend here in Central America (he is a native) and we have been together since the beginning of October. not a super long time, i know, but it was kind of instantaneously serious. after years of dating emotionally withdrawn, non-communicative North American men being with a latino is a complete break in what i'm used to. we've exchanged 'i love you' and i am certain that the both of us are sincere. i was definitely more reluctant in the beginning and wanting to put on the brakes. now i've let go of my reservations completely and just tried to follow my heart. i'm crazy about him and prepared to do everything in my power to make the relationship work because i literally haven't felt this away about anyone before. the only thing that came close was my first love waaaaaay back in my teenage years.

beyond the logistical obstacles we face (i.e. the U.S. State Department) there are constant cultural conflicts and misunderstandings. he doesn't speak English very well though my Spanish is sufficiently advanced (though not fluent) for us to communicate adequately. still, we often misunderstand each other and i struggle not to be patronizing or an ethno-centrist. it is also a new relationship, so we are still figuring each other out and getting to know what is at the core. i vacillate between emotional diarrhea and "cool girl syndrome" whereby you hold every nag and concern in for fear of being viewed as over emotional or crazy.

this brings me to my issue. he had a past "relationship" with another American girl. i put that in quotations because for her it was 6 weeks of getting wasted and fooling around. he had very strong feelings for her and she lead him on the entire time. she oscillated between saying she cared about him romantically and saying she just wanted to be friends. she manipulated him whenever she needed something from him and then pushed him away when he became inconvenient or clingy. i have all of this on good authority from a mutual friend who witnessed the entire exchange. she left the country, promising that she loved him and would come back for him. then he didn't hear from her again until about a month ago when she announced she was coming back for a visit (not specifically him, just a general re-tour of the area). they hung out one night, exchanged pleasantries and that was it. i never had to meet her, thank goodness, but she has tainted the relationship for me. i'm not normally a jealous person, but this girl makes me insane. it wouldn't be such a issue if it weren't for fucking facebook. stupid electronic age. i have to see her posts on his wall, her flirtations, her vying for his attention. she doesn't care about him in any real way, but she loves the attention she can cull out of him.

he and i recently discussed this whole issue and i asked him to delete her from his facebook friends. i told him if she really was such a good friend then they could communicate in some form where i wouldn't have to bear witness. she could call him or they could send emails. i completely trust him and he is sooooo not the type to cheat (despite the obvious stereotypes about latinos). it is her that i don't trust. i also don't think she deserves to be part of his life after she did him so wrong. the way she emotionally fucked him makes him not trust me as much as he should. he's always throwing disclaimers out about our relationship like if when i go back to the USA and find someone else he'll understand etc. that is the furthest thing from my mind. i only want to be with him and i'll go toe to toe with the government to make it happen.

a-n-y-way. so far he has only deleted a wall post that sent me over the edge and nothing else. she remains in his list of friends and stupid facebook keeps offering her up as a potential friend to me as in 'you might know this person.' i really want her erased. i know in my heart that if she doesn't have that easy access she likely won't maintain communication because it isn't worth it to her. so here's my question, after all this preamble. how long do i wait before i say something to him again? when we talked about it the first time he agreed with me that she didn't care about him, but he also said according to his principles it wasn't right to turn your back on someone, even if they hurt you and did you wrong. Still, he told me he would do it for me and he told me that he would erase her completely.

i feel like a crazy person. sorry for the novella.


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delibelly
post Feb 1 2011, 10:55 AM
Post #59


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"But would you really tell your past self to leave?" (angie_21)

I'm not trying to give anyone advice. I don't feel qualified. Look carefully, I said "If....blah blah, Then..." I'm just trying to give you details of how things may work out depending on the decision that you do make. Honestly, being in receipt of all the details, I don't know what my past self would do. Make no mistake. My life is very happy and I love my husband enormously. My sex life just sucks, for exactly the same reasons you outline.

"Basically, they assigned their baggage onto someone else." (stargazer)

Exactly. And my baggage is watching my mother be mistreated by every man she dated, and having shitty male role models growing up. I don't underestimate the value of a good man, and maybe that's why I'm willing to sublimate my sexuality to stay with one. But that is not your baggage (angie) necessarily, so you have to make the decision that is right for you.

"even though you're not as happy as you know you could be" (angie_21)

But I don't know that. That's not my life experience (see above) or even what I see around me now that most of my friends are married couples. Again, you may have different experiences and the relationship you believe you can attain, what you need from a relationship may be different from me. As I see it, you can only make one of three decisions:

1) You decide to stay but don't put any work into your sex life and it stays the same. Years from now you are either reconciled to it, or still unhappy.
2) You stay, put some work into your sex life and maybe it gets better and maybe it doesn't, but at least you can say you tried.
3) You decide to leave and start again. Results may vary.

What is unlikely is that the sex fairy will swoop in and make things better again if you just wait long enough and ignore it. (I say lovingly, because I have been there.)
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Persiflager
post Jan 31 2011, 01:41 AM
Post #60


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Posts: 721
From: Babylon


Oof. The obstacles you mention - the mortgage, the cat, the paper - sound to me more like 'reasons your break-up will especially suck' than 'reasons not to break up'.

I think the week's break is a very good idea. Tell him that he can still call you if he needs anything, but that you need some time alone to think about your relationship.

And angie, I know it sound unimaginably hard, but breaking up really is an option. People divorce all the time, and many of them manage to divide houses, cats and even children with respect and civility. It does suck, but it's do-able.


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