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> The Newlywed Thread--NOT Love and Puppies?
laurenann
post Jun 27 2006, 06:40 AM
Post #1


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i definately think your husband should call if he is going to be home much later than planned. you are accountable for each other and need an idea of where the other one is in case (maude forbid) something bad happened. also it is just considerate to let you know about his whereabouts!

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pixiedust
post Jun 26 2006, 01:30 PM
Post #2


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From: oklahoma


I totally feel the same way! Mr. Pixie and I talked about it a bit at lunch...even he said it just doesn't seem appropriate to be out late with friends of the opposite sex if your wife is at home expecting you. All 4 of the things you mentioned in the current issue are things I went through with my ex. It used to really bother me because after he had been out later than I expect, I would try to call and he wouldn't answer so then I would get worried about accidents..or doing things you shouldn't. Even earlier in the evenings...if I was cooking dinner , I needed to know when to expect him so I could have things ready at a decent time. It's about respecting each other.
I do agree with Msgoofball that you have to fins soemthing that works for both of you.
For Mr. Pixie and I ...we usually don't go out without each other late at night. And if we are going to be later than planned we call each other.


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~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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karianne
post Jun 26 2006, 01:07 PM
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No, no, not at all worried about anything between my friend & my guy. They were at my mister's friend's house with the friend & the friend's gf. It had been the 5 of us, I had to leave.

The current issue..I think a lot of things are contributing to my anger/upset feelings.
1. He told me he'd be home in an hour, he was home in 4 hours. No call.
2. When he tells me he's going to be home around a certain time & I wake up way past that time & he's not there, I panic. The friends' houses are sort of far away, one night coming home he witnessed a car wreck, I don't know I just worry. Usually a good % of the people who are out at 3 or 4 AM driving have been drinking.
3. I told him how I felt, I just really would have preferred he come home earlier that particular night & he stayed out late anyway. I just felt disregarded.


We talked about it, I think he gets it. I just wondered if others felt that way about their spouse staying out so late-or am I overreacting.
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msgoofball
post Jun 26 2006, 12:17 PM
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i think its fine that he goes out while i go and sleep cuz i need it...but he should be considerate and call...and we've had many arguments about this...if you are gonna be late..call. period. because its inconsiderate and rude if you don't.

the other nite after hanging out with friends, he dropped me off at home and then went to hang out with the guys and possibly go to the pub. but the guys decided that they didn't want to go to the pub so he called to tell me that he was going to be at the shop and would be home late. he didn't have to but he called to keep me informed cause its what we decided upon. and it works for us. you have to find out what works for you. plus, its also about trust.
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pixiedust
post Jun 26 2006, 09:32 AM
Post #5


Tink's Red headed Step Sis
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From: oklahoma


I'm not saying you can't socialize seperately...But I have been in her position where my ex husband would stay out or stay up online till all hours. And I also know where that led to...so maybe I'm projecting.
But if it bothers you, you need to let him know. I personally do not sleep well if my SO is not home, and I've always been that way even before there was a problem in my previous marriage. I don't feel safe, and I'm a light sleeper so someone coming in at 5 am is going to wake me up. And it is really inconsiderate to tell you he would only be an hour and end up staying much, much longer.


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~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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katiebelle2882
post Jun 26 2006, 09:15 AM
Post #6


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pixie, i didnt get the impression she was worried about a possible affair. but maybe she was.


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“There's something about the Irish that is remarkable.”-François de la Rochefoucauld
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turbojenn
post Jun 26 2006, 08:49 AM
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Turboman and I live on entirely different schedules - he's a night person, I'm a morning person. I want to be in bed at 10pm, no matter what night it is, and he's happy to stay up until the wee hours, at a friends' house or just playing video games at home. I think for us, the bottom line is that we just treat each other respectfully about what we each want to do. That means undressing in the bathroom, and just tiptoeing into bed in the quietest way possible, and for me, laying out my dog walking clothes in the bathroom the night before so I can just slip out early and walk the dog. But, I do ask that turboman be willing to be up and about by around 10am so we can enjoy the weekend together.

And Turboman and I do alot of things separately, it just works for us. I don't really want to hang out with many of his guy friends, as we don't share interests, and likewise for many of my friends...so we do spend a lot of time socializing separately, or if I make an appearance at a BBQ for friends of his I don't care for, I do leave early, and I'm happy to leave him behind to enjoy himself, and then I have some time alone to myself.

But, however your relationship and social schedule works, I'd just say its important for everyone to be in communication about what is happening, and how you feel about those plans.
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sybarite
post Jun 26 2006, 08:40 AM
Post #8


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/engaged person delurking

Karianne, it would bug me too... but I think you have to figure out what precisely is bothering you about him staying late. Pick the battle, you know? If my mister stays out late it usually bothers me most because he wakes me when he gets in. If he hasn't rung to let me know where he is, that seriously pisses me off. Otherwise I don't mind, but then again I probably go out more often than he does.

Pixie, I dunno. I think it's okay if couples (married or otherwise) socialise separately sometimes. It cuts down on potential resentment on leaving earlier/later than one wants to.

I don't have the stamina to stay out until 5am. :-)
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pixiedust
post Jun 26 2006, 07:59 AM
Post #9


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From: oklahoma


Karianne,
I don't think there is anything wrong with you getting upset about that. Was there anyone else with him and this friend? Honestly, even if it was perfectly innocent...lots of affairs happen between friends because it is convient. Beyond that, married adult people do not need to be out partying with friends till 5 am.Period. What can you do at 3 am that you couldn't do earlier in the evening? Also if one spouse has to leave early, I think it is right that the other leave too.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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karianne
post Jun 26 2006, 06:55 AM
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Well I am back....to bitch some more!

Mr K & I got into it this weekend. He has been staying out late a lot lately. Not out at bars, more like at friends houses. Is it wrong of me to not want him coming home at 4 or 5AM? I am fine with it every once in a while, but it irritates me when it is more often. When it happened this weekend, we had been somewhere together, I had to go home around 1AM b/c I had class the next day. Mr K & a girlfriend of mine stayed at our friend's house to continue playing poker. He knew I really wanted him to come home early, he said "Oh, no, I'm not staying out late tonight, I'm only staying here another hour." Which would have put him home by 2, 2:30 at the latest. Fast forward to 5AM. I was SO pissed. I just felt like he knew how I was feeling & he still decided to stay out as long as he wanted. Last weekend it was 4AM. Part of me just wonders if my schedule sucks so bad right now (Work M-F, school all day Saturday) that I'm just cranky that he gets to have fun. I don't know though. We made up, BTW. I got home from class on Saturday & he had gotten me flowers, wine, & a sweet card.

Do any of you have issues with your spouse staying out late? I think my dilemma is I would like him not to do it as much, but I fear becoming the nagging wife who doesn't let her husband have any fun.
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turbojenn
post Jun 14 2006, 01:32 PM
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yeah, and sometimes, I feel like I just have a male roommate, when we don't talk alot and just go about our days by rote...we're doing good right now, keeping things balanced. But the slumps happen, and for me, moreso in the winter when I get all shriveled and crabby from lack of natural light.
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msgoofball
post Jun 14 2006, 01:11 PM
Post #12


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From: Agoura, CA


oh yes...somedays you completely connect to the point of finishing each others thoughts/sentances and others you are like 'who are you and what have you done with my hubby?'...yeah i have those quite a bit. its good right now.
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karianne
post Jun 14 2006, 07:22 AM
Post #13


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Msgoof, that is awesome! I second Jenn on the ING acct. That is the only way I can save too.

Do you guys ever have days or strings of days where you just aren't connecting with your spouse? I am having that right now. I think it's my fault though, I've been feeling irritated lately. I hope it ends soon.
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turbojenn
post Jun 13 2006, 05:04 PM
Post #14


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msgoof....try getting an ING direct account - they automatically take the money out of your checking and stash it in a savings account - no thinking involved! And the APR is much better than anything you'll get at a brick and mortar bank. ING is the only way I can save, and everything else just gets adjusted around it.
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msgoofball
post Jun 13 2006, 01:51 PM
Post #15


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mr.gb finally agreed with me that we need to start saving so he opened a savings acct and between the two of us..we can save $500 a month if we really try. or more if we scrimp a bit. hopefully we can save 10 grand by december 2007(thats our date to get out of my parents house) and if we actually do it, my parents have offered to match that--but only if we get 10 grand or more. its gonna be hard but so worth it in the end.
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moxiegirl
post Jun 6 2006, 12:26 PM
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i guess the other point i wanted to make, and turbo just reminded me of, is that any wealth or debt that either of us have we accumulated together, since we've been together since our school days. Our household income has always been "ours" since we moved in together right out of school. I think that knowledge made it much easier to officially combine our finances when we got engaged. We probably could/should have done it sooner than that, but the impetus to buy a house (coincided with the engagement) was really what pushed us towards combination.
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turbojenn
post Jun 6 2006, 06:56 AM
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I'm with you, amilita - I manage the household account because I'm the more organized member of the household...I don't really regard it as a chore though - I pay bills exclusively online, and aside from writing a check for the dog walker, well...that's pretty much it. Not much chore to it.

Turboman and I are going to talk finances this week. I'm tired of being broke, and him having a hefty pad in his account. I'm tired of worrying about money, when he doesn't have to...and panicking that we can't takes as long a vacation as we'd like to, because my bills are stacking up against me...I hate that getting new contacts and lenses in my glasses makes me broke for three months. If we're a partnership, it needs to be a partnership financially too.

And I am finally getting more proactive about looking for a new job - its time for me to be paid better as well...and then we can re-evaluate again.
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amilita
post Jun 5 2006, 05:11 PM
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Laurenann, he doesn't do anything specifically to make up for me taking charge of the banking...and overall, I'd say we are still working out division of labor issues. But I feel like having our money managed in a way I'm comfortable with is important enough for me to do it under any circumstances...he's not organized like me, forgets stuff, etc. And like moxie, I'm naturally good at that kind of thing.

And it so happens that I'm not working now, so I feel like I should be doing all the cleaning, banking, etc. He usually does all the dishes, but I've been doing them lately, too.

I can also be controlling, so I like to be in charge of the money. It's tricky, all this stuff.
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moxiegirl
post Jun 5 2006, 05:33 AM
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laurenann-we also have 1 joint account, that I manage. I guess we don't look at the banking as an "Extra" chore to be made up for...my strength happens to be organization and management, so i do the banking. I also fastidously organize my spices. Moxieman bathes the baby...I hate doing that. It all works out evenly in the end. I do think its critical that the spouse who doesn't manage the money be aware of the money and the system all the time, though. That avoids any and all power struggles or fears of "what if something happened to me...".
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laurenann
post Jun 4 2006, 12:54 PM
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amilita, my boyfriend and i talk about putting me in charge of one joint account once we are married. in your situation, does your husband take charge of something else to "make up" for you doing the banking? my only worry about my future scenario is that i would get resentful that my mr. wasn't doing his fair share.
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