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> Who's Up for Going Down? The Oral Sex Thread
maimy
post Jun 7 2006, 06:31 PM
Post #1


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Octinoxate, I did leave the caveat in there that for me oral isn't so much the point. Stormin's post had me under the impression it IS that important to her, so that was the issue I meant to address.

As it happens, I do know of a woman who won't go down on a guy. I find that pretty selfish, considering I know her to be happy to be on the receiving end. On her part, it's something of an "ick" factor, which she's never attempted to get past. Frankly, that's immature to my thinking (and she's past 40 and otherwise widely-enough experienced with life and people).

BklynHermit's example is the standard I would expect of someone who cares about a sexual relationship - it goes to the enthusiasm you mention! (As an aside, I owe Bklyn an apology; I misspelled your name several days back somewhere - something I find highly disrepsectful; so I am sorry, Bklyn!)

If oral isn't someone's "coin of the realm", then it can certainly be taken off the table, obviously. But maybe another act IS important - so that can become a standard issue deal-breaker. For me, kissing has been a deal-breaker. For some, anal might be. It's not the specific act (though oral is so common, that's Dan Savage's reasonable-enough reference point) - the bottom line boils down to reciprocity ... and enthusiasm, yes!
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bklynhermit
post Jun 7 2006, 06:03 PM
Post #2


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i'm generally pretty repulsed by dick and sucking it, as an abstract notion. but when i'm with a guy, and i'm otherwise attracted to him, and i want him to be happy and come his head off, suddenly my distaste for dick isn't so much an issue.

so i don't get it vice versa. i mean, if you really are into my body, and you really want me to get off, you will at least contemplate the notion of going down on me. maybe i will let you off the hook. i have to say that a lack of oral is not an all out deal breaker for me. if the guy seems otherwise not a douchebag we will work something out. but again, my lack of interest in having your penis in my mouth isn't getting in the way of your incredible orgasms, so why should your lack of interest in getting up close and personal with my girlie bits get in the way of mine?
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_octinoxate
post Jun 7 2006, 05:36 PM
Post #3


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Though I respect and agree with a lot of the opinions y'all have given, I've got a dissenting perspective to offer.

I love cunnilingus, but a big part (maybe even a majority?) of the pleasure comes from the giver's enthusiasm. If I had to convince or negotiate to get my partner down there, it would take a lot of the fun out of oral. So then, if I don't want to talk him into it, and my partner doesn't jump to get to it on his own, that leaves two options: 1. break up, or 2. go without oral sex. If everything else is great with the guy, and he can satisfy me sexually in other ways, I'd probably just opt to go without oral sex... especially if it's a comfort issue on his end, not a juvenile "vaginas are gross" attitude. I agree with maimy's statement that "the name of the game is meeting each others' needs". The question is, for you personally, is oral sex a *need*? (Maybe it is. I'm just saying for me, it probably isn't.)

Also, I can understand being in his shoes and not being totally comfortable with giving oral sex. And I wouldn't want to be in a sexual relationship in which either I or my partner were doing anything we weren't completely comfortable with. I would hope that any boyfriend I'd have wouldn't dump me if I weren't going down on him. (And I wonder how peoples' input on stormin's post might change if the genders were reversed, and her boyfriend wanted her to go down on him though she wasn't comfortable with it. Would we say that she should just get over him, because he can and should justifiably dump her for it?)
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maimy
post Jun 7 2006, 05:19 PM
Post #4


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Pepper, love - George isn't being a jerk. That was a joke, and I took it as such. Dan is homosexual, so, no, I'd say his firsthand experience with cunnilingus is pretty close to nil (fellatio, on the other hand ...).

That said, the advice stands. And I say that as someone for whom (well, until kog3100 came along) oral isn't the be-all by a fairly long shot. Even if it's not something you "need", any restriction is bad news, and outright refusal of something you know your partner wants is just unacceptable.

Stormin, if this guy is so marvelous - and if it's only been a month - then try to work it out, try to communicate. But you know your standards, and his excuses seeming valid don't change your actual needs. The name of the game is MEETING each other's needs. If he CAN'T, that'd be one thing. If he WON'T ... well, you know what Dan says. Seems most of us agree.


Never being compelled by someone else's demand? No problem. But never being compelled by someone else's NEED (especially when they are meeting yours)? No dice.

Good luck with this, and keep us posted.
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storminmad
post Jun 7 2006, 10:19 AM
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I was afraid you all were going to say that because, honestly, had someone asked me the same question a month ago I would have been all about saying DTMFA. I've said a million times in the past that going down is a non-negotiable, but now that I am in the situation I am at a complete loss because besides this ONE (hugely important, crucial) thing, the guy is marvelous.

A little more detail: when I talked to him about it--which was when we first started seeing one another--he said he had never done it because he's never "felt comfortable enough to." I specifically asked then if that was because he thought the pussy was gross to which he responded that no, he did not. He just has never felt compelled. He has mentioned his Catholic guilt in relation to his feelings about sex before and I wonder if it's that too.

Also, I have herpes. He mentioned something about that too, even though he has never been scared of having intercourse because of it and so I think it may be just another excuse. I dunno *sigh*--I am at such a loss. And geez, I think I'd rather him not do it at all than do it for 21 seconds and be all grossed out.
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p_176
post Jun 6 2006, 08:39 PM
Post #6


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pepper and zoya - i totally agree. oral is a part of your sex life, and if the guy is not into it (or vice versa) that's a sign that it's not going to work out.
i dated a guy who did not like going down - but yet he'd have sex whilst i was on my cycle - his reasoning was that his penis was for 'gross things' like sex and peeing and coming....but his mouth....welll...no.
yeah, we broke up immediately after. but to repeat what you wrote - yes it's emotionally hard. it's how you SMELL. it's important that your partner enjoy your scent, and relish in it.
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zoya
post Jun 6 2006, 07:51 PM
Post #7


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I will chime in on the "deal breaker." I love oral so much (and I like to give as much as I like to receive... but baby, I'd better be receivin') if it is not a big part of the sexual repertoire, and my partner was not willing to learn to excel at it, I would seriously have to re-think where we were going. It is that important to me.

I hope that isn't really shallow, but seriously, it is a total deal breaker for me.
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pepper
post Jun 6 2006, 07:40 PM
Post #8







oh, i had the boy-who-did-not-like-the-taste-or-smell-of-pussy as a lover. omg, i didn't realize at the time how emotionally damaging it would be for me to expose myself to such a monster. it took me ForEver to get over feeling like my stuff was gross. how he expected me to enjoy sex with him at all, wow.
NEVER again. that's all i gots ta say.

except for butt out alligator. yer being a jerk again. that post was about oral sex of which i'm mr savage has had and given PLENTY.
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alligator
post Jun 6 2006, 07:31 PM
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And nobody knows cunnilingus like, uh, Dan Savage.
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erinjane
post Jun 6 2006, 05:47 PM
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I think at this point that no oral reciprication for me would be a deal breaker. It's one of my favourite things and I love knowing that my partner likes to do it.

I was with a guy a few months ago who would do it for...I kid you not...21 seconds. I counted the second (and last) time he did it. It's a real turn off for me when I know someone doesn't want to be doing it and doesn't make any kind of effort even after I went at it for about 20-25 minutes.

Have you mentioned it to him yet, that you'd like him to do it? Or are you just still trying to figure out how to ask him? If you've already asked and he's said he's not into it, I would definatly reconsider where it's going. One of my favourite things is to make my partner happy, and I don't think it's too much to want the same in return.


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maimy
post Jun 6 2006, 05:29 PM
Post #11


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StorminMad, make this a deal-breaker. Because ... it is. Laziness (Peterbilt, I'm with you!) and lack of interest in what he KNOWS you desire (you have told him this, yes?) illustrates a perfect lack of sexual reciprocity.

How can that possibly be okay?

I won't say DTMFA out of hand, but you should never, ever, ever have to CONVINCE someone you're in a sexual relationship with that your sexual satisfaction is worthwhile. Tell him, in a completely unerotic moment, without emotional edges, that cunnilingus is a non-negotiable requirement. Simple as that.

Dan Savage says oral is standard-issue fare, not a special or "extra" feature. It's coin of the realm, kids. Everyone gets it if the so desire. Everyone gives it, because they desire their partner's satisfaction. No questions asked.
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peterbilt
post Jun 6 2006, 03:59 PM
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Wait. So the reason he's never gone down is because he doesn't WANT to? Oh, don't waste your time. Psh.

(yes, I am being cavalier. But really, now.)
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storminmad
post Jun 6 2006, 03:30 PM
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hey folks. So, I'm hanging with a new guy and he's never gone down on a girl--never!! While this freaks me out to no end (considering he's 30 and has been engaged before), I really like him a lot and am not prepared for it to end with him just yet. What I find weird is, he (of course) has no trouble at all with me going down on him. Naturally, I don't have any trouble with it either, but I gotta admit, it's frustrating as all get-out. I have no idea how to "convince him" to go down on me, and I've never been in this kind of situation--where I feel like my sexual needs are less important than his or something.

I know this must make him sound like a total creep but does anyone have any advice on this at all? Appreciated, ladies.
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raskel
post May 23 2006, 12:32 PM
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Mr. Raskel takes fooorrreeeevvveeeerrrr to come sometimes if he's laying down during oral. If he's kneeling over me or if he's standing up makes a huge difference. But as skc1 said, they're into it regardless.
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skc1
post May 23 2006, 08:41 AM
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Hi bemylightx, nice to meecha! I don't think you should worry about it. Generally, head is head. It feels good, guys are gonna want it regardless if they cum. In my experience, guys have a harder time on their backs, so you may want to experiment with position. If he doesn't cum, it is still great foreplay, it gets a guy wired, and ready, so just have fun with it.

Hope this helps

SKCharlie
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bemylightx
post May 23 2006, 01:19 AM
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Hey ladies!
I'm new here, it's nice to meet you all.
Anyway, I started dating my boyfriend like 4 months ago and everything is awesome between us. The sex is great, but for some reason every time I give him head I really hate doing it. It's really weird, I know I've never been like the olympic gold medalist in sucking dick, but the problem is that every other guy I've done it to has busted. My boyfriend tells me not to feel bad, because he never gets off from just head, but I feel like why want head (or in my case, give head) if you're not gonna get off. The fact he doesn't cum makes me not even want to do it.
Any suggestions?
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culturehandy
post Apr 24 2006, 08:13 AM
Post #17


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In my experience, as with Maimy, I do enjoy deep throating. It depends, I prefer that I man has shaved his balls completely, but then right at the base, I enjoy a little bit of hair, the equivelant of a landing strip. My partner shaved completely and it just didn't do it for me. Just a bit is perfect for me.

Sweetdreams, there is nothing gross about vaginas, i love them, your partner wouldn't be licking snatch if he was grossed out about it. Just sit/lie back and enjoy, he, as do most men, gets off listing to you get off, just as you do from him.


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sweetdreams
post Apr 24 2006, 02:19 AM
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I have a problem. I love going down on my boyfriend--something about hearing him moan and gasp that just tickles me to no end--but when he goes down on me, I get self concious and I never let him finish. This is becoming frustrating for both of us so uh any advice? And as for the triming/cutting/etc of the male anatomy, a simple question: would you rather have pubes or stubble rug burn? heh.
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maimy
post Apr 23 2006, 06:48 PM
Post #19


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From: Does it matter? This'll only be dingo'd again


I guess CultureHandy's response covers that, then. *Grin*

kog3100 offered to shave for me in the past, but I've never seen it done on a guy, so can't really address what a full shaving would do or not do from my perspective - either visually or from a strictly practical standpoint. It's not something I've ever "wanted", per se. But I wouldn't object, either. (The trim Culture suggests is probably enough for me, and I do deep throat.)

My advice is, if you want your partner to try it, suggest it as a part of y'all's play. Then you can both see how you like it, AND how it works for you both.
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anti_fros
post Apr 22 2006, 07:30 PM
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Sorry Maimy, I should have stated that clearer; I was wonder if it is more enjoyable for the giver.
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