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>  Survivor's Space
catwomyn
post Aug 9 2006, 09:42 AM
Post #561


BUSTie
**
Posts: 56
From: Canada. Specifically, Ontario.


Oh man. That is so sad what happened to your family, datagirl. I can understand why it's confusing, having it all come out now.

I hope Treehugger is still here too, and feels like talking.

I'm devestated by the loss of the "archives" for this thread, 'cause it's been a good support fo rme over the years - but welcome back, everyone. Apparently, even if we can't get over the past, this forum can!
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datagirl
post Aug 8 2006, 08:43 PM
Post #562


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 218
From: Australia


For the umpteenth time I am so grateful for this thread.I posted here earlier this year about telling my mother
about the sexual abuse by my brother.She believed me and to my relief my mother didn't disown me.
She and I have never told my father though and probably never will.At Easter I had a massive fight with my sister (eight years older than me and my brother is six years older).She wrote me a letter detailing the reason she was so awful to me growing up.I finally had the first conversation I had had with her in about four months last night.She told me she was molested by a neighbour (the father of my brother's friend) then she in turn molested my brother,who then abused me.I have always thought that my sister had nothing to do with what my brother did to me.But how can I not hold her responsible?But then how can I? She was all of twelve or thrirteen years old.But I'm very confused.I have read that it can get passed down from offender to victim and that there is always a chance that the victim will go on to offend.The person who I should put the blame on is the neighbour as he was the adult.My sister told my parents at the time that the neighbour was
abusing her and they actually confronted him and were going to press charges.But my sister said that nothing ever eventuated from it and this is just another factor that sent my sister to a mental hospital three years ago and also for all the guilt and shame attached to abusing my brother too.Last night she told me that she will
come with me if I ever want to confront my brother and to get everything out in to the open.I feel that
this is the only way that we all will be able to forgive each other.After my sisters explanation last night
I am ready to forgive both of them.Although this is no excuse, my brother had been abused and was still legally a child when he molested me.I do however blame the adult neighbour who initially abused my sister.
He has since died.My sister only found this out when she tried to find him to confront him.
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ananke
post Aug 8 2006, 02:00 AM
Post #563


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 266


I have been insanely furious this week. Just constantly angry. I'm so sick of it. I've been hyper-alert and sensitive, sick and just crappy.
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kittenb
post Aug 7 2006, 08:46 AM
Post #564


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


Welcome, treehugger! Thanks for the mojitos.

You can fit in here whereever you want to. There is plenty of room.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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treehugger
post Aug 6 2006, 05:09 PM
Post #565


cryostat bitch
***
Posts: 1,717


Hi. So I'm just popping in. Maybe to introduce myself. Maybe to settle in. I wrote a couple letters in the letters thread and some people thought I might want to pop in here.

I'm a survivor. I've been raped. I've been beaten. And I've had a fairly abusive (emotionally) relationship.

I go for years, hell, decades, without thinking about it. The situations occasionally pop back into my head and then I get angry again, I hate, I write letters in the letters thread, and I vent. Then it fades back into oblivion.

Most of my hurts happened over 20 years ago....20 to 30 years ago. I'm not sure where I fit in this thread.

But, anyway, I want to extend a Hello! to everybody here...and an offer of home-made Mojitos if you'd like.

Kath


--------------------
To block Steve's latest incarnation, Click Here.
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kittenb
post Aug 6 2006, 07:46 AM
Post #566


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


I remember when I was in my first group therapy time, I told the group leader quite honestly that talking about all of this was ruining my life. There seems to be a period of dealing and healing where everything just feels so much worse than it ever did before. I don't really know why that is, but it seems to be really true.

As far as confronting my abuser...god that would just be my worst nightmare. I was seven when the rape happened. No one knew until I was 20-21. I still worry that I will see him someday on the street and he will recognize me. I just don't know what I would do. Statistics tell me that he did it again to someone else. When 16 y/o boys rape 7 y/o girls, they are heading down a long road of pedophelia. So if I were to meet him, not only would I be seeing the boy who raped me, but someone who was most likely a repeat violent offender. I wonder if he ever was caught and if so what happened but I am not sure that I really want to check and find out. I never want any sort of connection with him again, aside from the one that I just can't shake.

Ed. to add: I just want to stress that I am in no way saying that what happened to me was worse than anyone else. I don't believe that any rapist just does it once, even if they only get caught once. I've learned that sometimes people find it easier to feel sympathy for people who were raped as children that thoes who were raped as adults and it makes me crazy. I have also noticed that sometimes people want to give me some sort of "victim" defintition that I never know what to do with. Am I making this point clear? No one deserves this and everyone who has to live through it should be entitled to as much sympthy, empathy, and support as she/he desires. In the form that we want it!


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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gumby_cc
post Aug 6 2006, 05:49 AM
Post #567


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 242
From: Boston


Maddy, I can't imagine how difficult it must have been to "come out" to your family....especially with it being someone your did is so close to. How did people respond to your letters? What happened after your grandfather got his?

My mom is so flakey.....when it happened I dropped out of school for the rest of the semester and then moved away for one month, and she thought it was all due to stress. I just haven't ever been able to share important stuff with her because she overreacts or treats me like a baby.....and this would definately make me think that SHe would think I can't take care of myself....esp living in the big city and all. One thing my doctor told me was that if you wait a really long time to tell important people (like parents), they might get really resentful that you didn't tell them right away because they'll think you shut them out of your life.....I just don't want to deal with that. One of my brothers knows. When he found out, he was like, "I'm gonna break some kneecaps!" It was sweet because I didn't think he'd freak like he did.

I ended up confronting my rapist in a letter. After the incident, he started emailing me wanting to talk but they'd say things like "I was so wound up, you couldn't possibly expect me not to," and shit like that. I ignored them all and then he started sneaking into my school (EVEN THOUGH IT HAS A SECURITY GUARD BY THE DOOR!) and leaving letters in my mailbox saying shit like, "sorry for being such a sleeze"....but he wouldn't stop doing that and I felt so unsafe just going to school so I ended up writing a letter back to him.....but only out of necessity---I would have never done it if he had left me the fuck alone. I just told him how I really felt about it and what i thought he had did and shit. His response, "I don't think we should talk anymore." and that was the last of it. It infuriates me because even when we were just going through talking about it , he was in complete control of that....like he got me to write a letter to him even though I didn't want to, and then when he was ready to not talk to me anymore, then the conversation was over. I think that's the part that upsets me most. But I guess you can't expect much from a rapist.

I have never gone into so much detail about this with anybody in real life. It kind of feels good! Thanks for listening guys. It sucks so much that so many of us have been in situations like this. What a fucking epidemic.
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erinjane
post Aug 4 2006, 09:29 PM
Post #568


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


I've never confronted my rapist verbally either. I've thought a lot about what I would say if he ever tried to contact me again but I seriously doubt that would ever happen. I saw him on a bus this past winter and he sat down behind me and didn't realize i was there till after. He got off the bus so fast and literally ran across the street...which sort of made me feel good because I feel like he knows he did something horrible to me.

cstars, i get the same way...the more i acknowledge that it was rape the more depressed i get about it, which is exactly the reason i'm seeking sexual assault counselling. I wouldn't tell my parents either. They know I'm sexually active, but I know that my mom would just be really upset that it happened to me and I don't feel like I need to do that to her, she'd feel guilty that she couldn't have stopped it. I'd be more likely to tell my older brother before my parents, but at this point I don't really feel the need to.


--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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maddy29
post Aug 4 2006, 07:31 PM
Post #569


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


yeah, i kinda know what you mean. if you put it out there as no big deal, people think it's no big deal. i'm sorry it's making you feel more crappy to talk about it. but it sounds like you are accepting that it was rape in a more real way. so it makes sense that you feel worse. it sounds like going to therapy is the perfect thing for you to be doing right now. getting support and talking about it in a safe place where you don't have to worry about someone telling everyone else.

i was almost 21 when i started flipping out and remembering and stuff. i'm almost 30 now! freaky. you couldn't pay me 10 million dollars to go back to that age and the way i felt back then.
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cstars124
post Aug 4 2006, 05:32 PM
Post #570


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 179
From: Providence


I'm 22.

My parents would definitely help me with therapy stuff. They've helped me numerous times before, but luckily, the therapist I used to see would just charge me a $10 co-pay or something crazy cheap like that. So, the money wouldn't really be an issue.

I think honestly, the more I talk about it, and the more I think about it and classify it as "rape", the more I start feeling crappy about it. Not that I DONT want to talk about it, but it really makes me feel like shit. And I've been really depressed lately and I think that may be one of the reasons.

I wouldn't want to tell my parents at all because I know my dad would flip out over it and try to find him and do something to him. And they'd still be pissed that I was at his apartment alone. I think it would be more trouble than it would actually be worth, unfortunately. And they didn't want me dating that kid in the first place, so they would totally throw the "I told you he was bad news" thing in there too.

I know my sister would have been supportive, if I had came out and told her the situation differently than what I did. I kinda made it seem like it wasn't a big deal when I told her. Kinda like, "yea...he was a jerk. And he totally raped me too". Which in retrospect, wasn't a very intelligent thing to do, but it was my way of acting like it really didn't affect me. But I'm really starting to think that it is...
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maddy29
post Aug 4 2006, 04:05 PM
Post #571


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


cstars-how old are you? that sucks that your sister said that! i mean really, that's not supportive at all! was anyone supportive that you told? i feel really bad dude. i told my roommates first, and they kinda knew because i was nuts and stuff. but they were so great. then almost a year later i told my big sis, who was awesome, too. i can't imagine how much harder it would have been, if those first few people i told had been so unsupportive. damn.

yeah, therapy is good. i just think it's important that you have some support outside of that. although, sometimes that's just no available. i wonder if there is a group that you could go to? that way you could meet other people who understand, and it wouldn't be such a risk to tell.

oh also-you don't have to tell your parents you had sex with him many times:) you can decide how much or how little you tell them. you could also tell them that you were raped, and not say who it was, for now. do your parents have the financial means to help you out at all with therapy bills, etc?
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cstars124
post Aug 4 2006, 02:42 PM
Post #572


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 179
From: Providence


Well, i'm sure if I told my parents, they would be on my side, but they never really liked my ex to begin with, (for a bunch of different reasons). But I would never tell them. Only because as stupid as this sounds, they don't know I'm sexually active and because they're the very strict catholic types, it would kill them to know that I had consenual sex with this guy many times before the actual rape took place.

I told my sister but the only thing she said was "I don't wanna hear it" because I guess she was just too distrurbed to hear the details. Which is fine, I guess. If I really needed to talk about it, she would definitely listen.

I just think I need to go to therapy. Cause lately, this whole thing is bringing me down.
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maddy29
post Aug 4 2006, 01:50 PM
Post #573


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


oh my god cstars. ok, i have a MUCH better understanding of why you are extra scared to tell! threatening your brother with a gun is scary, even if it was just him being an ass. he sounds like a really bad guy.

it's annoying that the male response is a lot of times violence. like my parents kinda guessed that something sexually scary had happened to me, in college, before i actually told them. but they assumed i'd been raped by some frat boy. (actually, that was kinda true) but my dad was all "i'm going to kill that bastard!"

of course, it was a pretty different story when he found out it was his dad. i would've actually appreciated a violent reaction then, i think. but my dad took a long time to kinda snap out of shock and stuff.

i'm going to michigan tomorrow for vacation, and even though they NEVER fly on planes, i always get nervous in the detroit airport, like i'm gonna run into them. it's totally irrational, cause they literally never fly...lol

cstars, i feel like you need some peeps in your real life to be on your side. so, who knows? your brother, obviously. who else?
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cstars124
post Aug 4 2006, 08:53 AM
Post #574


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 179
From: Providence


I don't think you're a crazy big liar, maddy. You even said yourself that you know other people in your family who were abused also. I'm sorry, though. I'm sure it's not easy to doubt yourself.

I never confronted my ex verbally either. I asked him why he did what he did, and he apologized for it. But it wasn't until months after we broke up, that I even called it rape. He had been contacting me for months asking to see me and everything and I kept telling him that I was done. And my younger brother emailed him (without me knowing) and told him he would break his legs if he continued to bother me. My ex then sent me a very threatening email telling me that he had a gun and he would kill my brother and all this stuff. So, I sent him one back saying to never threaten me or my family again or I would bring the fact that he raped me to the police. And he didn't even try to dispute that he did, in fact, rape me, so I'm sure he acknowledges it. And I haven't heard from him since.

But I'm moving from MA to RI where he lives soon, and I'm just praying I don't have to see him. It makes me sick to even think about it.
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maddy29
post Aug 4 2006, 08:11 AM
Post #575


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


verbally? yikes, that's fucking scary. i did send him a letter, and i sent every other family member a different letter at the same time, telling them he had abused me, and asking for their support, and explaining that that's why i hadn't been around lately. that went well:) ha.

but no, i've never actually looked him in the face and said it.

I was thinking about my sister's wedding again and how he stood right behind me during the whole ceremony. so, after the ceremony is over and everyone is leaving the church, he and my grandmother come up to me and he's like (in his creepy, mocking, little smiley face) "maddy, you shook during the whole ceremony." I said (dead flat tone) "yeah, it was cold in there." My grandmother was like oh oh you look so nice oh oh la la, she was so nervous and fluttery.

at the reception, i got so wasted. my sister kept "making' us do bridesmaid's shots, and it was great. my grandfather did come up to me once to "ask me what time it was." it was so weird, i was like what? then my two roommates came up and kinda shove him away and grab me and are like maddy we have to go dance!!! they were so mad at him and the fact that i had to deal with him at my sissy's wedding. i have frequent bad dreams about my sister's wedding. i actually was so drunk that i had a small chunk of glass embedded in my foot overnight and until the next evening when i finally poked at it enough and it popped out. niiiiiice.

gumby- i'm sorry those disclosures with your friends went so badly. it really does show you who your real friends are. although, i don't know how old you were, i think as people get older and hopefully mature, they are better able to handle stuff like that. although, if your friends mostly know him, then they have a big stake in whether or not to believe you. and unfortunately, there's just no way to get around that.

when i told, my dad and mom and sister believed me. my uncle and his wife believed me. my grandmother and two aunts said i was a crazy liar. so, the family just split. my aunts were sooo mad at my dad for supporting me. my dad was officially "disowned" by his parents. it was really bad. now,i waited until i was out of the state until i did this! my parents kept me out of it and didn't give anyone my contact info. now my uncle has it, and i've seen him a few times, but it's kinda weird. we've never actually spoken directly about it.

gumby, i'm so glad that you'll have new insurance! you definitely need the correct diagnosis so that you can get the sessions you need.

have you thought about telling your mom? or is she a blabbermouth too? it's funny, cause i'm in this space where i wanna tell everyone! at the same time i'm scared i AM just a big crazy liar.

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cstars124
post Aug 4 2006, 06:31 AM
Post #576


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 179
From: Providence


I have a question for everybody.

Has anyone actually confronted their abuser? Like, came out and verbally said, "you abused me"?

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gumby_cc
post Aug 4 2006, 04:15 AM
Post #577


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 242
From: Boston


haaha, well, my other therapist thinks I have PTSD from being emotionally abused by my dad, but that's on my boyfriend's insurance (for couples counciling)....I just found out though that I'm required to change my insurances thru my work so I can start again in September, whew!

I don't know what to do yet....I talked to my mom about the wedding....our families are so close that my mom might be invited too. Even if he doesn't go, all of his friends will be there. And if I told my engaged friend, I don't know how she would react. I have told so few people, and those went so badly that I just have a hard time believeing that she would support me. And it would be so glaringly obvious if all his friends where there and he wasn't. If it came down to it, don't know how he could be NOT invited without the truth slipping out. I don't think my friend is malicious, but just such a flake that she would end up telling people. I haven't even talked to my friend yet about the wedding or anything, so I guess I'm jumping the gun....

When it happened, I was actually dating somebody else---the guy and I had dated a few years before. My boyfriend at the time freaked out so much that he wouldn't touch me for like 2 or 3 days....no hugs, no hand holding, nothing. I thought my boyfriend might kill him--he was sending the guy threatening emails at night after I'd fallen asleep. I remember telling him I needed him to be supportive of me and listen to me and he said, "You don't know how this makes me feel. I can't do that."

yeah. we broke up.

that's so good maddy, that you are living in a different state. it can be such a relief. my rapist lives out of state now too, and it feels so good to not worry about walking down the street and running into him (like last time)...
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maddy29
post Aug 3 2006, 12:13 PM
Post #578


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


yeah, i mean i'm supposed to sit there in court with my abuser and act out the abuse scenes? that's totally fucked up!

my supervisor told me that the laws are changing around statute of limitations. i mean, there's none for murder, it's not like oh it's been 5 years and no one found out i killed someone, so i'm all set. i think it should be the same with rape and sexual abuse, etc.

yeah, moving out of the state was good for me.

what is your health insurance? because many will give you unlimited if you have PTSD. but of course, many won't!
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cstars124
post Aug 3 2006, 11:51 AM
Post #579


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 179
From: Providence


I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I think there's something very wrong with our judicial system sometimes. Especially in cases like this.

At least you live in a different state now and you don't need to worry about being around him or anything. Not that it helps too much, but I'm sure it makes you feel at least a little bit better.
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kittenb
post Aug 3 2006, 11:50 AM
Post #580


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


Having worked at an HMO for 18 months, I can say right now that it is very hard to petition for more sessions with a therapist but it is possible. They have to do a review and all sorts of things. However, if switching therapy is a possibility, you can probably find good services for free in your area.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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