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> General Relationship/Dating Advice
flanker_ji
post Oct 13 2009, 10:57 PM
Post #81


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 529
From: Santa Rosa, CA


Yay zoya!! Hope he goes from IBT to BT soon!


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"Patience is a virtue, but I don't have the time..."
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zoya
post Oct 13 2009, 02:27 PM
Post #82


uh huh.
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now, on the other tip, I did a favor for IBT (intended boy toy) today and told him he owed me a trade, and that I thought he should go see this movie with me that I've been wanting to see. (I did put it "because no one else likes that stuff", but prob. ok) so thanks to this thread I finally grew the balls to at least attempt to take matters into my own hands.....
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girltrouble
post Oct 13 2009, 01:54 PM
Post #83


new highs in personal lows daily!
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my new mantra: ask the busties, ask the busties. thanks z. wink.gif


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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auralpoison
post Oct 13 2009, 12:15 PM
Post #84


Big Fat Bitch
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What Zoya said.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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zoya
post Oct 13 2009, 11:33 AM
Post #85


uh huh.
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.... I would ask her to see another movie, casually, but in an important way - kinda like what you'd do when you've met a new person you're really into getting to be friends with. You might call them up or text them and say "hey, I was thinking I'd go to see (whatever movie) tonight, wanna join me?" I'd do that just one more time. While you're out with her seeing that movie, you can keep it friendly and just enjoy. But afterwards, I'd suggest maybe grabbing a drink or something, and if things are comfortable and going well, then tell her that you'd be really into dating her - and see what she says. I always think it's cooler to not be so formal about it at the beginning. The last couple boyfriends I've had, it was exactly like that, I kinda knew that they might be into me, but it was never so formal - it just kinda slid into dating, very comfortably, exactly that way.
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girltrouble
post Oct 13 2009, 11:00 AM
Post #86


new highs in personal lows daily!
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quick question: there is this girl i have a crush on, we've hung out 2 times, last night with her friends seeing movies, she did little things, that i take to mean that she likes me too, like making a bit of a deal of getting soda that i like so we can share during the movie, nothing big, so it could go either way. is it better, to be absolutely clear, and say, hey, i am seriously into you, and i wanna take you on a date, and be clear that i'm looking for something romantic, or should i keep it casual, and just ask her if she wants to go see a movie and keep it vague?

personally i'm leaning towards the first, but it's really hard to figure out how to ask a girl out. my last relationship, i was the femme, and mr. t was the butch, now i'm learning to be a soft butch, and it's hard to know the signals. the ironic thing is, when i was a boy i would have known ezzakly what to do, how to act, now, i have no clue.


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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angie_21
post Oct 13 2009, 08:11 AM
Post #87


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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


Aithinne, it is true that being relaxed and confident sends a completely different message to guys. It's like how once you're in a relationship, suddenly romantic potential starts showing up everywhere even though you're not even looking anymore. Give yourself time, too, don't push it. These things don't need to happen overnight. Let the friend situation work itself out.. Sometimes friends really are just friends, and you need to time to go out and have fun with a variety of guys. This sounds backwards, but maybe if he sees you going out for coffee with other guys, that would be more likely to help move you out of "just friends" territory in his mind.

Hey buttercups, did you end up going out dancing? I'm just putting in my two cents that my bf also used to be pretty insecure about that kind of thing, since he had been cheated on before, but I made it clear that while I understood his feelings, he would have to trust me. I wasn't going to stop myself from having fun to keep him happy. After I went out with my friends a few times and didn't cheat on him or leave him, he stopped getting freaked out, and now he likes the idea of me going out, even if I am dressed sexy and guys want to dance with me, because he knows that even though all those other guys might want me (well, really that's up for debate anyways lol), they can't have me because I'm coming home to him at the end of the night.
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candycane_girl
post Oct 13 2009, 07:31 AM
Post #88


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From: Canada


Aithinne, personally I wouldn't ask a guy if he thought that there was the possibility of dating. I think that is a bit intimidating. I'd go for something waaaaay more casual like just asking if he wants to get coffee or something. That way it's not really a total date and if he does reveal (like he did) that he's not interested in a relationship then it was just coffee and nothing more.
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Aithinne
post Oct 12 2009, 11:18 PM
Post #89


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From: USA


That is true... The guys that I've found most interesting are guys that if I just looked at, I probably would not approach. But those same guys that I met through other avenues turned out to be very outgoing and fun... So there you go folks.. the old 'don't judge a book by its cover' saying rings true again!
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mouse
post Oct 12 2009, 08:46 PM
Post #90


Most Likely Procrastinating
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From: shangri-l.a.


aithinne, you seem to be on the right track, but i just wanna drop in and agree with the ladies on the response to your "if he liked me, he would've said something by now" attitude. i don't think that is doing you any favors. sure, there's a grain of truth in it, but there are infinitely many reasons that a guy might stay mum--he might be afraid of rejection too, or the idea of you may just never have crossed his mind. the fact that this hasn't happened yet DOESN'T MEAN HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. i know when i go out and scope around for cute boys, i have a "type". i tend to ignore dudes who don't fit in that type automatically. i simply don't register the dudes that don't fall into my subconsciously preconceived notion of cute or "my species". but MOST of the guys i've ended up dating and ultimately falling for have been outside that type, the kind of dude i wouldn't have noticed or thought of "that way" in passing. but once they were brought to my attention, that all changed. once they were put into the context of "hey, this dude likes you" i all of a sudden noticed attractive qualities in them i would've otherwise missed out on. sometimes it just takes contextualization.


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jam out with your clam out
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Aithinne
post Oct 12 2009, 06:17 PM
Post #91


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From: USA


QUOTE(buttercups @ Oct 12 2009, 03:13 PM) *
Hmm Aithinne, when you say you tried to put the moves on your friend at work, how did you do it? Do you think you made it obvious or maybe not obvious enough? Guys don't get subtle hints sometimes (or most of the time haha). Just wondering if he would have gotten the idea that you were interested..

As far as my bf, yea there is a lot of insecurity there. He also has told me specifically that he does not feel comfortable with me dancing with other guys. It's just one of those things that makes him upset. He wouldn't dare tell me not to go, but he has hinted that the idea of me going to a club and dancing with other men is upsetting to him. I guess if the roles were reversed I wouldn't like the idea too much either- but then again I am insecure haha.


Well, I point blank asked him if dating would be a possibility between us.. So maybe I have asked out a guy before? Lol.. I just realized that I did the first move. Well, he said he thought I was cool but he didn't want to date because he was working on his career (i.e. looking for another job) and he didn't want to start dating because he might have to move away. I secretly think this is a mediocre excuse to not date.. To me, there aren't that many people who are awesome that you'd want to date and who you have chemistry with, so I say take the chance when it comes along. But that's just his thing.. idk. Now that I've given up on him as a date and been more relaxed recently, he may decide he wants to date me... Lol!!!!! This is such a strange situation.

I agree with candycane girl with the dancing thing. When I go out with my girl friends, we always just dance with each other... idk.
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candycane_girl
post Oct 12 2009, 05:00 PM
Post #92


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From: Canada


buttercups, I just wanted to say that most of the times I've gone to clubs my friends and I just kind of dance in a circle with each other. I've never known anyone to actually want to meet a guy at a club so usually we just try to create a circle that no guy can get into. Once in a while there might be a creep who still tries to dance up behind one of us but then we usually just move. I don't know, do you friends usually dance with random guys at clubs? I guess it all depends on their style.
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buttercups
post Oct 12 2009, 04:13 PM
Post #93


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Hmm Aithinne, when you say you tried to put the moves on your friend at work, how did you do it? Do you think you made it obvious or maybe not obvious enough? Guys don't get subtle hints sometimes (or most of the time haha). Just wondering if he would have gotten the idea that you were interested..

As far as my bf, yea there is a lot of insecurity there. He also has told me specifically that he does not feel comfortable with me dancing with other guys. It's just one of those things that makes him upset. He wouldn't dare tell me not to go, but he has hinted that the idea of me going to a club and dancing with other men is upsetting to him. I guess if the roles were reversed I wouldn't like the idea too much either- but then again I am insecure haha.
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Aithinne
post Oct 12 2009, 02:45 PM
Post #94


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From: USA


QUOTE(flanker_ji @ Oct 11 2009, 10:36 PM) *
[color=#FF0066]I've also found that most friends of the opposite sex become close to you because, at least on some level, they're attracted to you.


This is an interesting idea. It does make sense though. I do have a few male friends, but one moved away to CA, and the other is a coworker that I was trying to put the moves on, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I kind of gave up on him as a dating possibility because like I said, hoping was making me crazy and I felt like I was putting too much pressure on myself and him. But since I've sort of abandoned him as a date possibility, I feel much more relaxed around him. That's why I think giving up on men will make me stress out less so I can be my normal relaxed self. Idk though, I think I'm a hopeful person by nature, so trying to reject that part of me would be hard, but then again, it may be better for my emotional well being.

Buttercups, I am wondering why your bf doesn't want you to go? It sounds like an insecurity thing... you at a club with a bunch of drunk men. What do you think his motivation is?
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ananke
post Oct 12 2009, 12:08 AM
Post #95


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Posts: 266


buttercup - I wouldn't go dancing because I'm old and decrepit! There's no way Mr A would have an issue with me going to a club and dancing though, even if I danced with guys. It's just dancing. He'd probably be more worried about transport though.
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flanker_ji
post Oct 11 2009, 11:36 PM
Post #96


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Posts: 529
From: Santa Rosa, CA


Aithinne, I've found I'm most comfortable getting to know guys in a friendly context first, long enough to establish a rapport, so I feel comfortable and open with them. You also find out some basic stuff that would may or may not be a dealbreaker for you. I've also found that most friends of the opposite sex become close to you because, at least on some level, they're attracted to you. Is there anyone that's been under your nose that you might reconsider for a date? And when I take the pressure of looking for a date out of every interaction with men, I'm so much more relaxed and fun, and the potential love interests make themselves obvious.

I was friends with my BF for a year and a half before I gave him my number and told him to call if he wanted to go on a date! Full disclosure: I held out on making the first move as long as possible, until it became clear that he was really into me, but was also really afraid to put himself out there.

Buttercups, I don't think you should feel guilty about just going to the dinner. It sounds like the best compromise, especially since you don't want to go to the club anyway. You aren't the one to blame for your friend's small guest list!


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"Patience is a virtue, but I don't have the time..."
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buttercups
post Oct 11 2009, 05:10 PM
Post #97


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Posts: 294


Trust me Aithinne, guys may still find you special even if they aren't great at making the first move. If I never did it, I wouldn't have had any relationships so far. I know you can do it! I don't feel like my bf doesn't think I'm worth it enough just bc he didn't ask me out. Like I said in my last post, once youre in a relationship it won't matter who did the asking.

Most recent problem I'm struggling with now...its my friend's birthday this weekend and she asked only a few people to her party- which consists of going to a kinda sleazy club and dancing all night. I'm the only girl invited who has a bf and I don't know what to do. My bf has made it clear that he does not feel comfortable with me going, and I feel kinda weird being the only girl not single there- what will I do if they all start dancing with guys? What would you ladies do? Would you go anyways just for your friend or would you try to respect your bf's feelings and not go. There's a dinner beforehand so I could just go to half, but Idk something inside is making me feel guilty if I don't go to her whole party since few people are invited...
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Aithinne
post Oct 11 2009, 03:09 PM
Post #98


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Posts: 211
From: USA


QUOTE(mouse @ Oct 9 2009, 06:52 PM) *
for whatever reason, i find it exceedingly difficult to be flirty or open with anyone until i know they're into me. i know this can translate into being cold or "intimidating" to guys when i first meet them. even if i'm interested, i find it nigh impossible to project that unless i know it's being returned.


I just re-read this and realized this is exactly my problem with asking out men... And I have been told I'm intimidating. I think I do the same- I've got ironclad walls up until I feel emotionally safe with someone then I warm up quite a bit. I'm very affectionate when I let people in my circle. Like you, mouse, I also find it very hard to let my guard down until I don't doubt that the other person likes me. It's a strange catch-22. Don't want to be vulnerable without trust, but have to be vulnerable to attract anyone.

It's weird... I think I can handle if people break up with me or decide after getting to know me that they don't click with me, but the thing I find so difficult is never getting the chance at all with men. They never decide after spending time with me if they want to continue or not, it's just no no no from the get go. (Hey I rhymed... Lol.)

Hope everyone is having a relaxing Sunday...
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auralpoison
post Oct 11 2009, 01:33 PM
Post #99


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I signed up a long, long time ago. I used to check in to take quizzes in the pre-FB days. I like quizzes!

ETA: Wow. I found you in like, under sixty seconds.


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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girltrouble
post Oct 11 2009, 12:28 PM
Post #100


new highs in personal lows daily!
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wait... aural? you're on okcupid? oh, i have to find you......hee hee!


--------------------

"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve
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