The Lounge Guidelines Help Search Members Calendar Blogs

Welcome Guest [ Log In | Register ] ]

57 Pages V  « < 53 54 55 56 57 >  
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> General Relationship/Dating Advice
badcrumble
post May 9 2006, 03:52 AM
Post #1081







Hey there all. I've just popped back from the Newbies thread where I've duly introduced myself!
Pat on the back to me :-)

Since you seem like smart gals, I was hoping you could contribute some advice. (I apologise in advance if this post becomes too lengthy or if it's better suited elsewhere).

To cut a rather long story short, I found evidence of teen porn sites on my boyfriend's computer today. Now, we've had the whole 'porn' debate before when I realised that he occasionally looked at it when I wasn't around and I have various problems with it, some political and some personal. I won't bore you with the history of that at the moment, but the thing that is eating me up right now is the type of stuff he's obviously been accessing. Yes, the girls may be 18 and over, but it seems to me that the kind of sites that advertise 'teens' are filled with girls who often look even younger than that and they seem to equate childishness with sexiness. They're typically small and often dressed in 'schoolgirl chic', (pleated short skirts etc) and it just doesn't sit right with me. How can a fully grown man justify getting off to girls who look so young and what is it about that type of porn in particular?

I know he's looked at more general stuff in the past but this in particular makes me uncomfortable. While I don't truly believe he's into young kids or whatever, I feel it's a very fine line and would appreciate your opinion.

I'll be out when he gets home, so left him a letter explaining what I found and what I thought about it. I just wanted to make my points to him clearly and concisely as things will probably get heated later on.

I wish my first post on Bust was a little more lighthearted, but there you go :-(
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maimy
post May 8 2006, 08:16 PM
Post #1082


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 696
From: Does it matter? This'll only be dingo'd again


La Sirena, much as I personally dig honesty, there is honest communication, and there is truth-for-its-own-sake, and there are actually times those two aren't the same thing. Let your partner set the standard for how you treat him, not your own standards. "Do unto others" is all very well until others want to be done to differently than we do. And if you unburden yourself knowing his standard is different, are you doing it for him or for yourself?

I think you are on good enough footing here. It may not be comfortable footing for you, but it's within your guy's limits, and that is the important thing. Jazmyn is right, you may need more forgiveness from yourself than from him. Try to treat *yourself* by his standard, it seems generous. Sometimes, honesty can mean facing what communication is destructive, pointless or futile.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pepper
post May 4 2006, 08:22 PM
Post #1083







funny, i wonder if he would have a different perspective about a girl, His girl being the one doing the messing around and not telling about it.

seems to me that the message he gave you, verbally at least, was that he thinks people should keep those things to themselves. and so you have.
but really, if it's bugging you to not tell him, you seem to want to be told about that kind of stuff yourself, then tell. it's ok to want to live by your standards instead of his.
i would tell. being that honest is that important to me. i don't buy into the "what you don't know won't hurt you" philosopy. i think the truth is best, even when it hurts a little.
but then again, that's just my opinion. :o)
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
jazmyn13
post May 4 2006, 02:32 PM
Post #1084


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 100
From: California


Glad we could help!

It does help to forgive yourself. We can be our worst and most unrelenting critics. We are only human and do make errors. I think that your error is not a big one. Remember to be gentle with yourself.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
la_sirena
post May 4 2006, 12:30 PM
Post #1085


Newbie
*
Posts: 6


Thanks for your input, Jazmyn and Maimy!

To be honest, my boyfriend is one of the people who believes that "I was drunk" is an acceptable excuse. He thinks that if there is nothing more than kissing and/or some jr high style groping, then it is excusable. He said this in response to a friend of his getting very drunk at a party we were all at, and messing around with a girl who was not his girlfriend. I was pretty disgusted by it, especially because someone reminded the guy he had a girlfriend when things were heating up, which he ignored. My bf said that if no clothes come off, then he doesn't even think that the incident should be reported to one's S.O., because it will only hurt feelings and make things worse. I obviously disagreed with him, but let it go, just hoping that he hadn't made that declaration based on something he himself has done. I try to trust him (please don't look too far into that statement).

So, in answer to your inquiry Jazmyn, he would not be upset about this, and he would not even expect me to tell him about it in the first place. I believe that it's the fact that I don't believe in this philosophy myself that is making me feel guilty, regardless of it being hypocritical. Let's just say though that I would be devastated if I found out from someone else that he got drunk and cheated on me. I would probably be able to forgive him if he told me about it himself (depending on how far they went), but if I found out from someone else, I would be pissed-and if it was more than kissing or necking or whatever, I don't think I would be able to forgive him. It all depends really, but yes-he and I don't quite see eye to eye on this. It goes without saying that we should probably talk more about this subject in general(let's give it a little time though!).

I know the question now is why can't I just tell him, if he's not going to be upset? After all, confessing could make me feel better....Because I'm not 100% sure that he was 100% sure about what he said. The boy is prone to bold, impulsive statements-this I've come to know and rely on about him after a few years of knowing him intimately. He'll sound so sure of something-be it an opinion, or an action, and then he'll later regret it, having not thought it through enough. So. I'm worried that despite his stated belief, telling him would still put a stigma on our relationship at least for some time if not permenantly. I'm only using my best judgement based on what I know about his personality. He could mean it completely, but I don't know if I want to test that.

I am certainly not worried about him finding out from someone else-these were people that he will never, ever come in contact with-a whole different group of people hundreds of miles away. And, besides-I don't think anyone really saw it happen.

Maimy-I hope that answers some of your questions as well-I think my guilt is based on me having this double standard-being that I'd want him to tell me, but I really don't want to tell him. And the fact that I'm not even telling him that I have a double standard at all. This just smacks of badness-it seems very unhealthy, and I honestly care tremendously about our relationship-but I don't know if I am willing to do the right thing in this case. Because after all, what you don't know can't hurt you...right? I hope I am not choking on that statement soon. And yes, I have transgressed a standard of mine-I really thought that the tables would never be turned on me like this, but here I am.

As for alcohol use-as I said, I rarely ever drink like that-it was a very special occasion, with no intention more than getting drunk and having fun.

I've been feeling better about it the last couple days, but just writing this response has opened up some more of it-aspects I hadn't thought of before. I think it needs to be examined..

Thanks for reading this!
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
jazmyn13
post May 4 2006, 11:36 AM
Post #1086


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 100
From: California


hrm, well, I kind of include finger fucking in the same category as hand jobs so yes, that would be an acceptable activity.

It is going to be difficult, especially if I'm with someone I'm very attracted to, but I think if i'm really interested in finding someone who is worth the time, it's worth the trouble. I am a highly sexual person (twice a day would be nice) so this is going to be difficult, but I hope the pay off for self esteem and anxiety over disease is worth it.

Also, I hope that the guy I decide to be committed with understands that committed doesn't mean "I want to marry you", it just means that we're not fucking/dating other people. I do understand that's a delicate point to negotiate in any relationship, but hey, if it makes them want to bail, we can continue to date but they get no sex :-) haha.

Thanks for all the comments people, very appreciated.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pepper
post May 3 2006, 06:55 PM
Post #1087







http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=frottage
hee.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maimy
post May 3 2006, 06:52 PM
Post #1088


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 696
From: Does it matter? This'll only be dingo'd again


Well, after all, I s'pose one could take the term "foxglove" in a few interestingly evocative ways ...

Certainly, the right fingers would have to be preferable to *poison*.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
john
post May 3 2006, 06:38 PM
Post #1089


BUSTie
**
Posts: 11


Maimy, Yes, that's what I meant.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maimy
post May 3 2006, 05:41 PM
Post #1090


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 696
From: Does it matter? This'll only be dingo'd again


John, I am confused by your use of the term digitalis (http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=digitalis). Do you mean the action commonly described as fingering or finger-fucking?
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
john
post May 3 2006, 04:50 PM
Post #1091


BUSTie
**
Posts: 11


Lucizoe,
Thank you for telling me that. Intro posted.

Jazmyn,
It will freak some guys out. Those men who do not accept your requirements are not ones who want a committed relationship, anyway. You are both protecting your health and weeding out those men who do not meet your relationship requirements. Good job!

Pow, Pepper, Maddy 29, Katiebelle2882,
I really did not mean to offend with that comment about “an open receptacle . . .” but was trying to illustrate the point that anyone on the receiving end of penis in any orifice is more likely to contract a virus or bacteria than the person the penis is attached to. Since Jazmyn is talking about vaginal intercourse and HIV transmission, I was trying to point out, and obviously did so inelegantly, that the vaginal wall is thin enough to allow absorption into the bloodstream of viruses or bacteria present in his semen, and the surface area is great enough to allow ample opportunity. This is without any breaks or tears in the skin in either partner, no matter how miniscule. While viruses and bacteria are present in vaginal secretions, the penile opening presents less opportunity for absorption, though it certainly and obviously happens.

No, there is no way I was advocating sex without condoms, especially with a new partner. Condoms break however, even with proper use. Both partners need to be sexually responsible and get tested every six months to protect themselves.

And Pow, “I hear your open receptacles and raise you a penile disease vector,” that’s hysterically funny! Yes, the penis is a vector, that's what I was trying to point out.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pow
post May 3 2006, 01:09 PM
Post #1092


BUSTie
**
Posts: 20


LOL John, I hear your open receptacles and raise you a penile disease vector. Specially those that test every backdoor in town. Let's not be thinking the average sexually active penis is a pristine piece of flesh.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maddy29
post May 3 2006, 12:54 PM
Post #1093


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


Yep, totally pepper. Lots of parts of sex aren't actually that "sexy" or "passionate" anyways! There's weird body noises, smells, juices, etc.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pepper
post May 3 2006, 12:48 PM
Post #1094







right on maddy. it can take some things YEARS to show up in blood tests too. doesn't mean you haven't been infecting people all along, or that they haven't been infecting you... best to play safe and accept the risk that sex inherently is. i know that isn't a sexy thought but it's reality.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maddy29
post May 3 2006, 11:55 AM
Post #1095


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


Thanks Pepper:-) Well said:-)

I agree, in this day and age, it's just irresponsible to NOT get tested on at LEAST a yearly basis, if you are sexually active. EVEN if you are in a monogamous relationship.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
pepper
post May 3 2006, 11:51 AM
Post #1096







"open receptacles for viruses and bacteria"
ye know that little hole in the end of a dick?
ya, well. duh.
our juice flows out Continuously not just when we pee or come. don't matter none either way, it's all delicate skin for Both parties. generally a break in the skin refers to miniscule tears, not visible to the naked eye, that are caused by nothing more vigorous than friction.
if a boy thinks he's safer cause he's a boy, well, i wouldn't go making it with that boy myself. protected or not.
the level of education and personal responsibility that a person takes with safe sex, and other self-respecting behavior for that matter, is directly in line with how attracted to sleeping with them i am. and i have to say, if he isn't getting tested regularly already, regardless of partners etc, i don't think he's very responsible with his sexual health. i go twice yearly and request tests for Everything 'cause, even though i am so low risk as to be no risk, you just never know. why take a chance, eh? i don't need the stress of wondering for months later if i am going to come down with something or not.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
lucizoe
post May 3 2006, 11:43 AM
Post #1097


Mr. Flibble's very cross.
***
Posts: 870


*delurks*

john, it's considered good form around here to go intro yourself here. Welcome to BUST!

*relurks*
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maddy29
post May 3 2006, 11:14 AM
Post #1098


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


I also don't appreciate having women referred to as an "open receptacles for viruses and bacteria"

Maybe you didn't intend for it to sound like that....
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
katiebelle2882
post May 3 2006, 10:12 AM
Post #1099


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 647
From: NYC


i am pretty sure he was referring to testing. i didnt see how he was saying dont use condoms and most guys can get laid with someone who wont wear one. he was talking about the no sex at all until commitment and testing not no sex without condoms.


--------------------
There's something about the Irish that is remarkable.-Franois de la Rochefoucauld
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post
maddy29
post May 3 2006, 09:37 AM
Post #1100


Hardcore BUSTie
***
Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


Right, but Jazmyn is saying she doesn't want to have sex with someone UNTIL she is in a committed relationship with that person. All that means is that for the first month, two months, three months, whatever, of their dating, they won't be having sex. And then they'll talk, and if they decide to have a committed relationship, they'll both go get tested. I think that's beautiful, nothing wrong with that.

I don't think passion means being irresponsible-to me it was incredibly sexy that my dude went like, the next day to get tested, etc. It made it so that when we did have sex, we both felt comfortable and free, and there were no worries. Plus the waiting for results was so agonizing, cause we sooo wanted to have sex-so it just built up this awesome sexual energy.

The "bad in bed" thing is an issue, but if you've been kissing and doing whatever else safe stuff you can, you'll have some clue about his skills or whatever. I guess that's a risk you'll have to weight out-is it better to have sex with a condom to make sure he's not a dud? Your call...

And I CERTAINLY don't think it's too much to ask. I don't like the whole idea of "oh it was so hard to get guys to use condoms..." Fuck that shit. Why aren't men taking care of themselves? Why is it women that have to take care of the birth control AND have to be the responsible one. That's BULLSHIT. And sure John, "most men" can get laid by someone who doesn't have the same requirements. But I doubt Jazmyn wants to be with some asshole like that.
Go to the top of the page
 
+Quote Post

57 Pages V  « < 53 54 55 56 57 >
Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 

Lo-Fi Version Time is now: December 22, 2014 - 02:48 PM