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> "i have a bone to pick with you..." problems with friends
thelittlewhitebi...
post Aug 28 2006, 07:18 PM
Post #201


Newbie
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Posts: 3
From: Newport, KY


I know that I'm new to the board, but I really have a badger to throw off my chest. My best friend of four years has stopped speaking to me in the last two weeks. After side-stepping my calls and myspace pleas, she finally told me that my relationship with my boyfriend has been getting to her. My boyfriend and I have been together as long as my best friend and I have been friends, but she told me that recently she can't take it anymore. She said she hates how I put him first, yet I refer to her as "First Wife" and my boyfriend as "Second Wife". My boyfriend has no qualms about the time I spend out with the girls. However, I'm increasingly more inclined to spend my time with him because of the drama involved with my female friends. Why is it that females feel the need to cultivate drama and rise against one another? I have yet to find a female friend that hasn't. Do we all stand alone in a sea of our own?
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flyingfrog
post Aug 25 2006, 03:55 PM
Post #202


BUSTie
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Posts: 55
From: New York


you could say that your cat tends to bite children, so nosylady shouldn't encourage it to come near... or say that he has some kind of medical condition that requires frequent medication so you don't like him to leave your property/go out of your sight. or, yeah, just say "hey, stop calling my cat."

here's my dilemma. a girl I know from college is getting married in a few months. back in the day we were really close and had a lot in common; as the years passed we grew apart, stayed in touch but only infrequently, etc. so she invited me to the wedding, and I'm not super-thrilled about going. it's only a 2 hour bus ride, but it's the weekend before christmas. what's more, the whole thing is kind of last-minute, not in her hometown, etc., because her fiance is in the army and has some kind of whirlwind training schedule lined up.

there are lots of things that are weirding me out (I haven't seen her in years, she's planning to drop her career and travel from base to base with Dear Hubby, we don't seem to have much in common any more), but lately, the more I think about it, the more I'm very freaked out about the fact that he's in the military. she loves him, fine - I've never met him - but I was raised by a few generations of conscientious objectors, and I've spent more hours than I can count at anti-war protests, and while I understand the difference between individual human soldiers and the war machine itself, it still makes me queasy. I feel like I SHOULD go. but I really don't WANT to, and I have no idea what the hell I'd say to this guy whose mission in life is, well, to kill people (a mission to which I'm fundamentally opposed).

oy. maybe I'm just a selfish brat.

also, jeez, I don't mean to offend any busties who are in the military or whose friends and family are. I hope I don't sound like an asshole. I'm just feeling stupid and conflicted.
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hellotampon
post Aug 23 2006, 08:47 PM
Post #203


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,018
From: Connecticut


This is about a problem with a neighbor.

There's this woman who lives 3 or 4 houses down who seems to have nothing better to do than walk up and down the road with a stroller, over and over, with noisy kids on bikes in tow. It got annoying pretty fast because she'd walk the same 50 feet and back all damn day so I'd have to hear those stupid kids and the squeaky stroller constantly. Plus sometimes if we're outside she'll hide behind the bushes and stare at us. Lately she's figured out that there are other roads to walk on. But still, whenever they go past my house they call my cat. My sister and I are pretty sure they're trying to "adopt" him and we're wondering if that's what happened to another cat that went missing a while ago.

What am I supposed to do? Just go out there and say "stop calling my cat?" That sounds a little paranoid and psycho. But my sister said she saw them beckoning the cat again, and when she called him, he wouldn't come home until the next day.
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dani837
post Aug 20 2006, 01:32 PM
Post #204


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 131


OOMG she said that! Screw her then! When people are mean to other people(they shouldn't be mean to) its generally because they are JEALOUS. And a jealous friend is NEVER a good friend.

(((mornington and sillygrrl)))
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mornington
post Aug 20 2006, 08:33 AM
Post #205


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


sillygrrl, good to know things are looking a little brighter.

O (the friend I argued with) and I have always been quite different people; we weren't that close at school but got close over the past couple of years - once I left school, really. We don't see each other all that often - sheer distance and whatnot - but talk quite a bit. I get the feeling that he's taking his problems out on me (he's just failed his first year at uni, has retakes and what have you) and that our differences are getting more noticeable. I mentioned my new rabbit, and he went off on one, telling me that all I ever talk about is animals (hello, I'm a vet student, guess what I spend my days with) or shoes.

It just hurt because another friend told me a few months ago that I "shouldn't talk about sheep, no-one finds them interesting" and that I was "boring people". She also basically told me I was failing because I was lazy and stupid (and that I'd embarrassed her by being a slut and sleeping with a guy she introduced me too). I don't really bother telling her much any more, as I figure it does more damage to my confidence than I really need.

(((dani)))
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dani837
post Aug 18 2006, 09:30 AM
Post #206


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 131


QUOTE(sillygrrl13 @ Aug 16 2006, 10:13 PM) *



dani, the first thing that came to my mind was that your friend is totally embarassed that you know so much about her troubles & she knows she has NO reason to be with that boy, but rather than dealing with what she has to to straighten out her life, it's easier to pick at you! Being in an abusive relationship totally skewers your perspective. I would hope that all the "Friends" she's trying to turn against you can see beyond her words & value your friendship, regardless of what she says.


Thanks for the advice:)
Yeah, they (the friends) all like me more than her(some of the ons I talked to about this told me that, they wre saying" we never liked her, we were talking with her only cause of you!").
But yeah her perspective is f---d up. She's muslim, and of course I'm not saying that that is bad, but she says that in her religion they have taught her that its ok for a man to cheat on a woman, and if she ever finds her man cheating on her, then she has to be ok with it. ohmy.gif I'm sorry but I have many other muslims friends and they don't think that's ok. So I don't know what her parents/friends told her haha!
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sillygrrl13
post Aug 16 2006, 07:56 PM
Post #207


BUSTie
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Posts: 51
From: Florida


MWAH to ms.gb & mornington. Thanks for your sage advice & hugs. I have indeed spoken to others in the group & they've got my back. Kinda giving Troublegirl the shoulder as well;too funny, as she's totally sweating it to get back in my good graces.

BTW,ms.gb-Marriage doesn't have to change anything. Could your friends be jealous? I know most of my friends are married & sometimes, I don't think they realize that I don't feel the love I used to from them. I'd never begrudge THEM any love, but I don't want the nature of OUR friendship to change drastically either. As long as you know you haven't "changed one bit," then it's something about them.

mornington, have you asked this "friend" why she thinks you're boring? Sometimes priorities change (& you aren't who you were at 15!) & the friendship has to change a bit, too.

dani, the first thing that came to my mind was that your friend is totally embarassed that you know so much about her troubles & she knows she has NO reason to be with that boy, but rather than dealing with what she has to to straighten out her life, it's easier to pick at you! Being in an abusive relationship totally skewers your perspective. I would hope that all the "Friends" she's trying to turn against you can see beyond her words & value your friendship, regardless of what she says.

(((Ms. gb)))
(((mornington)))
(((dani)))
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dani837
post Aug 14 2006, 10:52 PM
Post #208


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 131


Ahh the only (and last) problem I had with any of my friends was, unfortunately, my (now ex) best friend. We were like sisters for 4 years. She had this bf that one day hit her, so of course i was by her side when she went to court, talked wiht lawyers, etc, etc. Hell, I even stopped talking with the guy's friends just because of her!(even though they were my friends too, they were talking bad about her, not me, just her, so she asked me to stop talking with them and I said ok.) Then, like 5 months ago, she started hooking up with that boy again! I was like wtf are you KIDDING ME? AND she starting going out with those friends she asked me to stop talking to! Then she started telling people sh$t about me that wasn't true, and telling them that I go out too much(while telling other friends that I don't go out a lot), in short, trying to screw my image. Of course right there and then I cut any relationship with her, and I found out that she told 2 of my friends that they should stop talking with me. Did I also said that 99% of the friends she has is because of me? She wouldn't have all the friends she has now, she wouldn't know aaall these people if she wasn't because of me! It's funny because what she and I are going through(and went through) is EXACTLY what happened between Paris and Nicole. I know it's a dumb comparison(especially since I think they both are dumb and what not) but it's 99% exactly like them. The only difference is that I wouldn't spend my time writing a song about her cool.gif
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ms.gb
post Aug 8 2006, 02:20 PM
Post #209


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 438
From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


thanks wombat and mornington...

i mean, why should i change simply because a piece of paper says so....? so much crap has to be changed in the first place...me and my personality should not be one of those things. y'know? crap. i just remembered that there's a thread for this...sorry!


--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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mornington
post Aug 8 2006, 02:05 PM
Post #210


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


yup, same here. It's who you are, and your personality shouldn't be defined by your marital status. They'll get used to it.

Apparently, I bore my friends. This from one of my oldest, and to some degree, closest friends since I was fifteen or so.

(((sillygrrl))) what ms gb said. She sounds a little out-of-line, is there someone in the group who you trust and could explain it to, so that other people know what she's doing - not in a telling-tales sense, but in a "this is making it difficult for me" way.
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wombat
post Aug 8 2006, 01:57 PM
Post #211


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Posts: 1,044
From: Rattland


I think it's cool that you didn't change when you got married.


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Lion-hearted
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ms.gb
post Aug 8 2006, 12:19 PM
Post #212


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 438
From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


thats a tight spot, sillygrrl...i would keep going to the group but just not talking to her...unless you all sit at one table or some such thing...at some point, it will either escalate in public or just disintegrate. just my 2 cents.

((mornington))
((sillygrrl))
((erinjane))

here's a random thought of confusion...i'm married. i wear a wedding band. yet people still act shocked when i tell them i am married..am I breaking proper decorum by being myself and not changing one bit now that i am married?!?! i don't know if this is the right place for this..but my friends...who i have known for 6 months...are just realizing this...maybe they aren't friends afterall. thoughts?



--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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sillygrrl13
post Jul 31 2006, 12:42 PM
Post #213


BUSTie
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Posts: 51
From: Florida


With apologies to mornington & erinjane for jumping in before you got feedback;

I have to get this out. I'm SO pissed off & hurt.
I joined a Meetup group to hopefully find gals to hang with, cuz meeting friends after college (way after, in my case!) ain't easy. Things seemed cool, then along comes Nancy. She starts sending me emails. I'm OK with that, but NOT ready to hang out, cuz I don't like her whole "center of attention" vibe.Couple of weeks later, some of us went out. I'm being my normal silly self (as was she) & everyone's laughing & having fun. The topic got on sex & I said it had been ages. Now, the group knows I just recently broke up with my boy after 17 years, so I'm sure everyone put 2 & 2 together, but she just blares out some shit, along the lines of why wasn't I getting any & why did I stay if I wasn't.(She calls that being direct. I call that lack of tact.) I joked it off with a no comment type response. The next day, some of us went out & were laughing our selves silly, but Nancy keeps up with the snarky little comments, little jabs at me. I can talk smack with the best of them, so I did. Afterwards, the emails, even an e-card, keep coming, like she's my buddy. She even straight up asked me why I had left feedback for others & not her.(Uh, cuz you get on my nerves, dumbass.) I met her for coffee Fri. & she was talking about people in the group, which I told her wasn't cool when she hardly even knows them. Saturday, some of us went out & the snarky little comments begin again. (Ignoring doesn't work with this bitch. She escalates.)She starts telling the group things I said to her conversationally (about myself) the day before, which were not HERS to present. I wanted to crawl under the table! After talking to a couple of friends OUTSIDE the group to check myself,I sent her an email later, politely askng her to lay off & stop telling my shit to everyone. If it's about ME, I'LL share it. To make an already long story short, she went the fuck OFF! NO fault or blame of her own AND she had asked someone IN the group if they perceived her as rude to me. (They didn't-probably didn't want to feel her wrath!)I don't want to quit the group, but how am I going to get out of hanging out with her?(She goes to everything.) I'd rather spit on her than talk to her & as far as "time heals all?" Fuck her, too late. I don't need this childish shit. Any ideas?
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mornington
post Jul 27 2006, 04:15 PM
Post #214


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


**sweary rant warning**

fucking arsehole of a boy who appears to be my friend cannot comprehend how I could possibly be offended by something I have repeatedly told him not only offends me but fucks me right off. It does not matter who it comes from, and the reasons behind it. It fucking offends me. Telling me to ignore it or that I'm being silly about it does not make it any less fucking offensive. I do not give a flying fuck if he thinks I'm being silly. He would not be fucking bored if he just pretended to listen for ten fucking seconds before disagreeing with what offends me, because I wouldn't have to explain it to him for the fiftieth fucking time, or explain to him over and over and over a fucking gain that I am offended no matter who it comes from and why.

Arsehole.
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laluna
post Jul 5 2006, 06:08 PM
Post #215







zillahgirl, one thing you might want to mention him -- not out of judgement but for his legal safety -- is if at any point she says anything like "well actually I am only 15" he needs to say adieu.

Not just because that makes it very illegal... but also because that cute 18 year old could turn out to be a big, manly police officer.
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erinjane
post Jul 4 2006, 06:01 PM
Post #216


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


Grrr...I just have to rant. This weekend I'm going to the Winnipeg Folk Fest, a big event here, and my two best friends just arranged a ride with a bunch of my other friends and left me to find my own way. I'm extremely pissed off, so angry I just went in my room to try and cool off but got angrier and then had one of those angry cries. It's so maddenning because I'm the one who got everyone to go, picked up the ticket for the person who's driving, and asked him (although quite a few weeks ago now) if I could get a ride if he was driving.

It's especially hurtful to me because I just recently told them how I've left out lately, like an after thought. This doesn't really do much for my self esteem and stress issues.

/rant.


--------------------
I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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mornington
post Jul 2 2006, 12:15 PM
Post #217


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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From: the little house on the hill


I can't think of anything much to add, but I'm not awesome at all

At least - if he could stand her long enough to date her - then you wouldn't have to deal with her. At least he's aware that you're uncomfortable, even if it isn't precisely your business - and you can't help wanting to dwell on it.

Irritating friend is now not talking to me *sigh*. My own fault for having such a temper.
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zillahgirl
post Jul 2 2006, 12:59 AM
Post #218


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


So here's an update (mostly for mornington, who is awesome for listening). Today I went over to Friend's house and he mentioned that he and girlie have exchanged IM nicknames (but I don't know if there's been any convo). Anyhow, he showed me the profiles of a couple other women who have messaged him, then he showed me her's (he'd forgotten he already had sent it to me). So I asked him if he'd seen the high school bit, and he hadn't actually, but said "Oh, maybe it's outdated". So I told him "Maybe, but that means that she either JUST graduated or is still in." I told him that, yes, she's cute, but that the age thing bothered me and he told me that he knew that, but that I'd have to get over it. And that it annoys him when I mention these things. So I asked him flat out, "Look, you know that I love you, but honestly, this girl aside, in general, doesn't the 18-year old thing bother you?" and he said that maybe it did, but that it was none of my business. Which yeah, is true. I really think that the high school thing threw him more than he'd admit to me. Who knows? I mean, knowing his ways, it's doubtful that I'd ever really meet any girl he dated (he "likes to keep his worlds separate"), but at least I made myself known and that helped me a little. Also, seeing the girl's profile again, I think, cute or no, he'd kill her within minutes. Sigh. I do hate whatever part of my personality that makes it impossible for me to not dwell on things that I cannot control and that don't really affect me. GAH!
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zillahgirl
post Jul 1 2006, 09:04 AM
Post #219


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 175
From: Maryland


Yeah, I've decided that there's no point in saying anything until he actually DOES something. I mean, there's no point in starting a fight where he thinks he's being judged over a couple of emails. I may (if he tells me too much at some point) tell him that I don't want to hear about it. If he actually starts seeing the girl, then I may have to make some tough decisions. It really just feels wrong to me.
As for your sitch: Boys. Are. Dumb. It's not original, but it's what I have.
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mornington
post Jun 30 2006, 03:46 PM
Post #220


now running on biodiesel and sacrificial blood
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Posts: 2,227
From: the little house on the hill


zillah, I've told him repeatedly. It's slightly added too by him acknowledging he finds me attractive &, well, doesn't want to sleep on the sofa. So I'm getting pulled in all directions besides just the irritation of getting ready for him to arrive. Grr. Bloody boy. Flaming argument ensued.

I can understand your friend feeling defensive; my ex used to get very defensive over the age gap between us (eight years). It may be that he's a little uncomfortable himself with it too. I can't really offer much of a solution; if he's not thinking of dating this girl I'd leave him too it though. He knows you're not comfortable, and there's no more to be said.

eta: ooh, it's you who added me! cod I'm dim sometimes :-)
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