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> Frustrated Singles
zoya
post Apr 9 2007, 12:13 AM
Post #661


uh huh.
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greenbean - I agree with the no kids without a partner thing. I have some friends who, if partnerless and they want to have kids, would just do it on thier own. Which is fine, but for me, though, I want the whole package. I won't have kids until I have a partner who wants to share that with me so that I can have the whole unit - father, mother, child. That may not seem feminist to some people, but fuck it. That's what I want to have in place before i have kids - not for anyone else, that's just what I want. So I'd say by that train of thought, it is feminist...
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greenbean
post Apr 8 2007, 10:43 PM
Post #662


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Dude, Samiam, go to the bay area! I'm from Oakland and I know lots of teachers that live there.

Yeah, my aunt who married at 50 never had a strong desire to have kids. Sometimes I want kids sometimes I dont. All I know for sure is I would not kids without a partner, so if I dont find him then I'll just have to be childless. My desire for romantic love is stronger than my maternal desires...altho that may change as I get closer to 30. dunno.




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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.--John Waters
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samiam
post Apr 8 2007, 10:09 PM
Post #663


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Posts: 91
From: San Francisco


I think that part of the reason why I am striking out so much is where I live. Reno is not exactly a hotbed of liberal-minded men with a hankerin' for independent, intelligent, got-their-shit-together women. People here get married young, or do a lot of quadding. The other side is Tahoe, where there are plenty of interesting, outdoorsy guys, but they either have nothing put together at all, or they have great financial lives and don't want to settle down until they are 45 and their knees finally give out. Then they hit on and advertise for (see Craigslist Reno, I kid you not about this) a "hot, younger wife", usually around 24, 25. When I was 25 and living in Tahoe there were plenty of men in their 40s and 50s asking for time, and I was so grossed out by it. Then I hooked up with the fucknut who called last week, so I guess there is no accounting for taste.

As for meeting my ideal when I am 45, as was mentioned here before, that means giving up on the dream of kids. Or even the outdoors stuff I want to do before MY knees give out. I want a family. At 31 and still single, I am starting to realize that having a family may be a bit of an unattainable dream, so it is time to make more money and get out of the desert. Maybe head to the Bay Area and make my parents happy. I would love to do it, but financially? As a teacher? No way. Another reason to be a frustrated single. With another income and a partner to pull things off with, I could do so much more.

I took down the internet profile. I decided today not to start a new cycle of birth control. I am not seeing anyone, have been on it for years even after breaking up with the aforementioned fucknut who I went on it for, and I am sick of altering my body on the off chance that some guy might want to be indide it.

I am more than just frustrated, I am disillusioned and annoyed. And maybe a little cynical. Ok, maybe a lot cynical.
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EllaMinnowPea
post Apr 8 2007, 01:04 PM
Post #664


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Posts: 55
From: Midwest


ErinJane: Fun? Family get-togethers? Maybe it's just my family, but my nerves are shot before I even open the door with a new boyfriend in tow. Goodness gracious! I hope you had a lovely Easter, and that you do, in fact, return to the game. smile.gif

I agree, Greenbean, that I've met many men looking for independent women. Not all, but quite a few. I'll try to direct them to the women of this board, if they seem deserving.

Good luck to SamIAm and all others browsing the internet for dates. I'm not as brave as you are. Hope you can overcome the nightmares and connect to someone with social graces.

Hooray for chocolate bunny day! Have a great one, everybody.


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"I arise in the morning torn by the twin desires to reform the world and to enjoy the world. This makes it difficult to plan the day."
E.B. White
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kittenb
post Apr 8 2007, 06:27 AM
Post #665


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
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QUOTE(samiam @ Apr 5 2007, 11:05 PM) *
And the social misfits cmment has nothing to do with nerves. Some guys are just idiots, and ther reason why they are online is because no one will have them in the flesh.


*snicker*

I love you ladies. Reading all of this makes me feel better.

samiam - your posts made me laugh in a "been-there-done-that" way.

jayboogie - while jelousy can make a girl stupid, you are smart and honest enough to admit that is what it is. That should prevent it from becoming too much of a problem.

erinjane - woohoo! Ready to get back in the game. Have fun!


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In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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erinjane
post Apr 7 2007, 09:27 PM
Post #666


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


I've been single for about 6-7 months now, and I'm really just now feeling like getting back into the game, which is nice. But tonight we did easter dinner and my cousin, who's two years younger than me and has a body like a model brought her hot boyfriend who'd I'd never met, and I was so jealous all night because I forgot how fun it is to show off a partner at family get togethers. And I saw Grindhouse last night and Freddy Rodriguez was really turning me on.


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I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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greenbean
post Apr 7 2007, 12:23 PM
Post #667


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Posts: 954


Welcome Jayboogie! You aren't stupid. Jealousy is a terrible emotion we all feel from time to time.

I may sound like Pollyanna here but I certainly don't think all guys are afraid of smart, independent women. All the women at my work but me have adoring boyfriends or husbands and in every case the woman is more independent. Heck, my boss SUPPORTS her husband finacially.

I think its just timing and chance really. I don't think anyone here needs to play dumb and helpless to get a guy! Just have patience (I'm talking to myself here mostly mellow.gif)

ETA: I have an aunt that waited for the right guy and didn't meet him until she was 45. They've been together for 10 years and are so right for each other. They got married when she was 50 (her first marriage). Its a happy or sad story depending on your outlook!


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I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.--John Waters
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jayboogie
post Apr 7 2007, 11:52 AM
Post #668


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Posts: 18


I just need to vent for a sec.
If there was a way I could complicate my life further, I have just managed to do it.

I have been completly head-over-heels for this particular guy for the part 2 1/2 years. He has become one of my best friends. He is also unaware of how I feel about him.
I live with his brother now, as of the end of last year. My roommate has been single for the past year or so. He let is slip a couple of days ago that he is seeing someone in a town about an hour and a half away. I am not at all a jealous person, almost to the point of annoying people that I date because they think I don't care at all. But, when he menchened that he was dating someone I became so jealous instantly that I felt it in the pit of my tummy. I don't want to date him or anything. I think I am just jealous because some other girl I don't even know will be taking up all of his attention instead of me.

I know. I am stupid.


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There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.
~Friedrich Nietzsche~
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samiam
post Apr 6 2007, 09:51 PM
Post #669


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From: San Francisco


If I only had the answer as to why men are scared of independent women... I would have my own radio show and become the female Tom Lykis. I don't get it either. I really don't get it when the super-annoying, inappropriatly dressing, not-very-intelligent woman I used to work with breaks up with her live-in, moved out, and is moved in with a new guy within weeks. Now they're engaged. I can't imagine marrying him in particular, but it makes me wonder when that sort of thing works out. I have so many female friends who are constantly in relationships. My other single friends tell me that they are settling, but... I don't know.
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octobersky
post Apr 6 2007, 08:33 AM
Post #670


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 330
From: Cultural Backwater


Greenbean - it was kinda by surprise actually. He called me on New Year's Eve and asked if it would be okay if he came to vist. It was rather romantic because we met in person pretty much at the stroke of midnight, that's when knocked at my door. So since it was so last minute I didn't have time to analyze or obsess over the first meeting. It went really well.

Samiam - what is it with guys who are afraid of "what will happen if we get together?" I never understood that line of thinking and it always seems I have got that line and then the next person the guy dates he's engaged. WTF?
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knorl05
post Apr 6 2007, 08:15 AM
Post #671


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Posts: 819
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stargazer: exactly. all of it. especially about not having found your match.. that's really all it is. someone else mentioned something about not settling and getting married out of fear of being alone. i really concur with that. i think anytime we do something out of some preconceived idea of how things are supposed to be, we are not living authentically. i think we really need to sit down with ourselves and determine what we want. i'm realizing, it's not really about what men want, as it is what we want. i cant live my life running around trying to figure out what everyone else expects of me, i'll drive myself crazy. all i have to do is say fuck it all and live how i want. if a guy can roll with that, great, if not, i really cant care.


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We adore chaos because we love to produce order.
- M.C. Escher
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samiam
post Apr 5 2007, 09:48 PM
Post #672


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From: San Francisco


Greenbean - Don't get me wrong, the internet thing can be fun, but after 6 months of giving it a whirl I am finished. And the social misfits cmment has nothing to do with nerves. Some guys are just idiots, and ther reason why they are online is because no one will have them in the flesh. I have had a fair number of "over-50s" who pester me. And one doctor in his 30s who seemed nice, until he asked my breast size as a vetting question (I think I responded, "Naturally large and beautiful, but you will never see them. How big is your dick?").

There was one guy whom i met, on the internet, in my first foray into online dating over a year ago. We hit it off in every way: online banter, over the phone, in person. Kissing him made me weak in the knees. But he always traveled for work, and then he moved to Santa Cruz, about 300 miles away. We talked ocassionally. Emailed and IMd every once and a while. And then, in February, it went from casual conversation and me teasing him about disappearing, to him telling me that he is afraid of what would evolve if we did get together, and inviting me down there for Spring Break. I was dumb, I went. Now he is running away from me again. Fuck. So much for that.

Then all the exes come out of the woodwork to tell me about their wonderful new lives with their wonderful new girlfriends. About how they are doing everything with them that they would never do with me. This last one, I have come to realize, would have been calling me to make amends if he was half a man. Instead he called to show me what a man he was to have a real relationship.
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greenbean
post Apr 5 2007, 08:59 PM
Post #673


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I dunno, I'm still hesitant. I guess I've enjoyed our online dialogue but in an intellectual way, but not in an emotional way. Although maybe thats my problem with guys, ...maybe I expect emotions to be instant when they should instead grow from intellectual respect. (?) Its still feels rather cold though, like I'm interviewing for a position.

Octobersky, since that guy you met online was two hours away, what did you arrange for your first meeting?


--------------------
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.--John Waters
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nickclick
post Apr 5 2007, 08:23 AM
Post #674


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 2,134
From: jersey


i'm not graced with perfect social skills, so i can't be one to judge too harshly on dates. i'm all fumbling and shy until i get to know someone better. but usually you can tell pretty quickly if someone is worth getting to know, you know?

so yes, greenbean, grab a glass of wine or beer and give him a call. pj harvey's 'rid of me' is my psych-up CD before doing something like that where i need tough-ass courage, like job interviews, which is kinda the same thing.

dates are good for at least 2 things - funny stories, and practice for when you meet someone you really like, you've already got a couple akward dates under your belt, and something to compare to when one's going well.

i used to work in manhattan and most of my young single coworkers were meeting people online, in such a crowded city! so it's not as weird as it used to be i guess.
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octobersky
post Apr 5 2007, 06:20 AM
Post #675


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Posts: 330
From: Cultural Backwater


Definately call him greenbean, the worst that could happen is that you don't click and you're only out a few minutes on your cell phone. Plus you can make the call at your leisure, in your pj's with a small glass of wine for courage.

Samiam, yeah I did the online dating thing - jeez some of the creeps I met! I had a 55+ guy who kept pestering me to go out with him I was 30 at the time, finally I had to block his profile. I do have to agree that people are seriously lacking any sense of social skills anymore. There are even some companies now who have to retrain their employees to be able to go to business lunches/dinners and network with correct social skills, so yeah it's rather frightening. I can sympathize with you I seem to have the exboyfriend curse, right after we stop dating they always seem to find the "love of their life!" It's so friggin' frustrating!

When I did the online thing I met a guy who lived about 2 hours away and we totally and completely clicked - long conversations almost every night. When we met in person we clicked on a physical level as well - definate chemistry. He was one of the few guys that I have dated who I didn't think was intimidated by the fact that I'm independent, have my own opinions and well educated because he was the same. Then things just fizzled, no explaination from him - he just stopped calling me. We were together long enough to merit an explaination. WTF? I don't want to call him because it's been months now and I don't want to seem desparate or weak if he's moved on. Again lack of social skills strikes and I really didn't expect that behavior from him.

Yes stargazer I think alot of men SAY they want a woman who is independent but when it boils down to reality, they don't. Show a guy an airhead in distress and he will bend over backwards to please her. Show a man a woman with her shit together and he will run in the opposite direction.
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stargazer
post Apr 4 2007, 08:37 PM
Post #676


brown delicious
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just do it, greenbean. nothing to lose. plus, it seems like a good thing he wants to talk on the phone instead of just relying on emails.

sam, i had to laugh when you wondered if the men you were meeting were autistic or socially disordered. i think people in general are lacking in social skills. i'm kinda freakishly social. i can talk with anyone. but, on the guy front, it seems like most of 'em can't hold a decent conversation. not even a get to know you one.

knorl, you are posting everything i've been saying to my friends for the past couple of years. don't men want a women with character and integrity. i feel like an outcast sometimes. but, i just remind myself that i haven't met my match. it is frustrating as hell though. i worry about us intelligent smart women who have our shit together. cause i can't play dumb or helpless. i like being my own woman thank you.


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"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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greenbean
post Apr 4 2007, 06:40 PM
Post #677


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(((frustrated busties)))

Nickclick, I've never done speed dating or used online dating sites,..but I would love to hear more about how things went when you met your guy. I recently met a guy online (a forum, not a dating site) and he wants to meet me. He lives an hour and a half away so I feel like its not easy meeting for a casual coffee date, yet close enough if its worth it. I told him I'd think about. He said I should call him to have a more personal conversation in order to see if we click, ..but even that is hard for me to do. It all feels a little awkward. Should I just do it?


--------------------
I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.--John Waters
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nickclick
post Apr 4 2007, 07:35 AM
Post #678


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Posts: 2,134
From: jersey


(((sam))) you've got a lot going for you so what's the hurry? i think you're more a loser if you get married too quickly or settle for someone because you're afraid of turning 30 and being single (a personal hurdle for myself to get over), than if you're living a great life, enjoying being single, and will be in the right place to know the right one when he shows up. besides, you'll spend 6 weeks in hawaii soon enough, and it will be with someone better than your ex.

and hey, i met my man online and we just celebrated our 1-year anniversary! but yeah, i went on a few bombs with a few social retards. but i have lots of funny stories to tell! such as...

did anyone ever try speed dating? where men rotate around a room of women and you talk for 10 minutes at a time? this one guy had a rehearsed list of questions and even when i'd try to branch off of one of my answers, such as - i'm an editor, what do you do for a living? - he'd respond with - uh, so what kind of music do you like? longest 10 minutes of my life.
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samiam
post Apr 3 2007, 08:53 PM
Post #679


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Ok, I give up. Only ever had two long-term relationships, and now both have called me to tell me about their wonderful lives, shoot the shit, and drop in casually that they are dating wonderful women who get to do all the things I didn't (like spend 6 weeks in Hawaii) and that they are either marrying them or moving in with them. Fuck. In the last few months I have been through this, told twice in long-winded speeches what a loser I am for being so independent and not having found a husband in my 20s, and been on more useless internet-related dates than I can count. I swear that half the guys I meet on the internet have some sort of autism or social disorder. Fuckfuckfuckfuck! All the things I am proud of about me -- being financially independent, keeping in relatively good shape, working at a job I enjoy and am satisfied by, successfully getting off of antidepressants, owning my own house, even the big fucking boobs I inherited! -- seem to be working against me. I give up. Took down the internet dating profile. Tempted to never answer the phone again. "It will come when you least expect it" my ass. It's not coming, time to face that reality.
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anna k
post Apr 2 2007, 10:01 PM
Post #680


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,687
From: NYC


I can feel like a loser for being sexually unsatisfied, because I don't get turned on easily, and the men I have liked a lot have been out of bounds (much older than me, an older authority figure like a teacher). It's like masturbating is both happy and sad, like a good release and feeling excited and feeling lonely because it's the only way I can really get off. I've kept trying to be more sexually open, but I always tensed up or had to make myself be more physically affectionate. I've done phone sex with strangers, and I liked using my voice and hearing guys come, because I could engage in something sexual without becoming physically turned off by someone.

I feel like I am quality, or that plenty of guys don't deserve me or wouldn't know what to do with me, or aren't worthy of me giving them my body and my pleasure. I'm not a snob or a bitch, I just don't feel like giving myself to some dude because he's into me while I'm only halfway into him.

I get more intense fantasies that I wouldn't try with just anyone, so they remain in my head until I can really trust them. Like having his hand on my throat, or pretending to rape me, a lot of submissive fantasies. I get confused between feeling like quality and not wanting to chase anyone, while also wanting to rid myself of my physical inhibitions and let these feelings out.
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