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> "i have a bone to pick with you..." problems with friends
foryoursplendor
post May 30 2011, 03:47 AM
Post #1


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Thanks for the reply, Stargazer.

My English friend and I have been chatting. He disclosed that he broke up with his girlfriend a week ago. He'd been with this girl for 8 months, which is exactly how long we haven't talked. It is also the time of year that I usually plan a trip to visit England, and would normally be having a lot of contact with him to plan meet-ups. I don't think I'm going to England this summer (the first time I haven't gone since 2006) because I'm 1/2 way through a second degree and I've got no money!

Anyway, in our chat, he said he was sorry for last summer, for being a jerk, he thinks about me all the time, he misses me and that he feels he owes me something and would like to come to Canada to visit.

...think healthy thoughts, healthy friendship... HEALTHY!
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stargazer
post May 10 2011, 05:35 AM
Post #2


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QUOTE(foryoursplendor @ May 9 2011, 07:02 AM) *
We had a positive relationship for many years, he's a teacher (I'm studying to be a teacher), I do honestly miss him, but I'm just not sure if we can ever have a really healthy "friend" relationship.


Whatever comes after the "but" in a sentence is usually how a person really feels. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is just the emotional letting go part that is tough. In the end, it just doesn't sound healthy for you. Sounds like it took alot for you to stop communicating in the first place.

buttercups, did you ever speak with your friend who was staying with you?


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foryoursplendor
post May 9 2011, 08:02 AM
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I've had a male friend that I've visited every year in England. He's been one of my closest friends since we were teenagers. We've always had a weird, pseudo-sexual relationship and have always been emotionally dependent on each other. The last 2 times I went to visit, he was weird. I think his weirdness has something to do with a recent break-up with a serious girlfriend. He was terribly in love, yet slept shared a bed with me while I visited (nothing happened). We also remained way too emotionally dependent on each other for way too long during our respective relationships we've had with other people over the years. Our emails were more like journal entries than friendly letters, and that's an easy habit to fall into with someone who you rarely see. If we had been single during my visits to England, we would have had yearly passionate flings. So much bottled up stuff going on there.

Anyway, last summer we didn't have a good time visiting for a few reasons that are unrelated to our already weird relationship. Because of his previous weirdness the year before, I decided that enough was enough and I haven't had any contact with him since August of 2010. I changed my blackberry settings a few weeks ago, so I haven't been getting my emails from my old account. I checked today and he'd sent me an email a few weeks ago that said that he's had a dream about me and that he hopes all is well. It's been 8 months since we've had any contact. Terror and intrigue shot through me. I don't want to get tangled in that emotional black hole again, but I also despise that most of my fun travel memories in England include him and I'd like to remember them positively. Maybe speaking again could be an okay thing? We had a positive relationship for many years, he's a teacher (I'm studying to be a teacher), I do honestly miss him, but I'm just not sure if we can ever have a really healthy "friend" relationship. We may revert back to forbidden-foreign-secret-sexy-emotionally charged- friend mode, and I can't allow that. I don't know what to do.
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buttercups
post Apr 25 2011, 01:48 AM
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Thanks ladies, you are all right * sigh * I hate confrontation. Guess I'll have to woman up!! My parents said they can handle until the end of this week and that's it. I feel bad that I've put them in this position. I really wouldn't mind if it was my own place, but it is just too much of me to ask of them. I think that for whatever reason my friend just doesn't realize it, and I do want to preserve our friendship of course. : (

P.S. pollystyrene I love that quote, my moms been saying it all week hahah
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pollystyrene
post Apr 24 2011, 03:29 PM
Post #5


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"Fish and houseguests smell after three days." ~Benjamin Franklin

Just tell her that you and your family have enjoyed your time with her, but you're afraid that her spending more time beyond what was initially agreed upon is becoming an imposition on you and your family and you want to be able to stay friends with her, so unfortunately, she's going to have to make alternate plans.


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stargazer
post Apr 24 2011, 10:48 AM
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I agree with, AP. Don't lie to her. Talk with your parents and see if they are willing to agree to the end of the month. I'm sure she will find someplace else to stay.


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auralpoison
post Apr 24 2011, 06:41 AM
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That is so horribly, horribly rude. It's one thing for her to ask if she could extend her stay, it's another to just announce it to you & assume it's okay. Did she even approach your parents about it or does she just expect you to handle it for her?

I don't think there is any way for you to handle this & walk out unscathed. She's gonna be pissed if she has to scramble (But really, she should have asked & begged to stay & she should have had a f'ing back up plan in place in case of emergency!) & your folks are gonna be pissed if they let her stay: You're fucked. You have to either come up with a compromise that suits everybody or suck it up & get over the fact that ain't nobody gonna be happy in this situation.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND LYING TO HER ABOUT IT. If family isn't coming, do not tell her there is; lying just adds resentment. If you can't figure out something with your folks (Like maybe she can stay until the thirtieth, but after that she hits the bricks), you have to tell her that the agreed upon time is all that is available to her, period. She has been a guest in your home & she was welcome, but that staying any longer is just NOT possible. And the sooner you tell her this, the better. It's incentive to use use her time wisely.

Buttercups, I know you don't like confrontation & that you'd prefer it it everybody just played nice, but life just doesn't work that way. There's gonna be hurt feelings here & there's not much you can do about it. Sometimes people just have to get over their mad & get glad & it sounds like that is gonna have to be your friend as it is your parents' abode & not yours.


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Persiflager
post Apr 24 2011, 05:27 AM
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Wow, that's really rude! How can she think it's ok to stay longer without asking first?!

Could you tell her you've got relatives coming to stay after the 27th, so she can't stay after that?

It sounds like she could be out of there sooner if she really tried to get the paper done quickly.


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buttercups
post Apr 23 2011, 01:03 PM
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Sooo i have a good friend who went away this past semester to do a clinical rotation and is now back, needing to finish up some things for graduation, and staying at my house...with my parents. I live at home, and my parents aren't really used to house guests. They agreed to have her stay for a week and a half, which was suppsoed to be april 27th. Recently, she announced that until she gets this paper that she has to write written and approved, she'll be here. She extended that date to May 1. Now I am also in school, very busy with work, classes, and clinical rotations, and I am hardly ever home until after 7 as a result. She is left alone with my mom alot- who goes to work at 5 am and gets home at 1 pm, and it is very awkward for my mom to be home alone with her. Today, my friend says she doesn't have to go back home until May 5, extending the stay even longer. Now this will be 3 weeks. None of her other friends can have her stay with them, and honestly it is just too long. My parents were already put out with the week and a half, idk how I can tell them it will be another week on top of that. I don't want to throw my friend out when she has nowhere to go, but I don't know what to do. 3 weeks is an awfully long time to impose upon someone and their parents. If I had my own place that would be one thing, but I don't. Any ideas on how I could handle this without making anyone mad or being rude?
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Lunalu
post Aug 1 2010, 08:37 PM
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So I'm just following up my friend's issue actually from the socially inept thread. I don't have much to say, but the issues with my girlfriend about dishonesty, and flakiness still going on... and I feel like I'm back to my highschool days.. and it's been so long since I'm so done with really petty, and stupid girlfriend emotional fights, yet with this girl, it's almost getting into that pattern.
as a last point in our friendship, she finally vomited her anger, and told me I was being very selfish, and not appreciating all the things she did for me only when I confronted her nicely about the promises / plans she never follows through.
I'm asking myself since when true real friends have been counting all the favors they've done for each other, and why she feels attacked and guilty only when i tell her I don't accept her behavior, and don't deserve her sudden angry attacks when I point out her dishonesty... I do feel that things happen in everyone's lives, and you make a promise and sometimes not able to follow up on them. But when this happens to me, I feel truly sad for not keeping my promise, and I don't make this into a pattern with my other friends. But with her, this is becoming a pattern.
I just feel like I really don't need bullshit friendships in my life at this point, like I'm perfectly okay to be by myself, but at the same time I do question if I'm doing something wrong when I'm picky about who to be friends with, like what kind of boundaries one should keep, and what kind of boundaries can be slipped by... I'm sometimes questioning if I'm being too rigid with my boundaries, but like I said, I don't have patience and tolerance for flakiness, and dishonesty...


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stargazer
post Jul 18 2010, 02:44 PM
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QUOTE(ketto @ Jul 16 2010, 08:27 AM) *
After not seeing each other for a few weeks we went for lunch yesterday and she said something like, "I'm totally racist to middle eastern men, but they give me a reason to be." Wow.


Really? That's crazy. I guess I've realized that some relationships/friendships are not meant to last forever, but, serve a purpose in our lives at the time. This friend might've been cool a couple of years ago, but, does not seem to have grown as an individual in that time.

I think I've realized that I am too understanding of people and do not notice the red flags (just like with dating) that occur at the beginning of a friendship. I've been actively weeding out the 1 sided friendships in the past 7 years of my life.



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Persiflager
post Jul 16 2010, 09:20 AM
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Wow indeed. Is that the good kind of racist? blink.gif


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ketto
post Jul 16 2010, 08:27 AM
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I completely forgot I made the post below. Said friend recently broke up with her boyfriend so I thought maybe things would go back to the way I feel like they used to be. After not seeing each other for a few weeks we went for lunch yesterday and she said something like, "I'm totally racist to middle eastern men, but they give me a reason to be." Wow.


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ketto
post Feb 9 2010, 10:22 AM
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I've been friends with this woman for about...4 or 5 years now. We knew each other from a group we both attended when we were 18 but then reconnected in our 20's and became friends (instead of acquaintances). We were both single at the time and at really similar places in our lives and just seemed to click so well. We were best friends for two years. Now we're both in long term relationships, living with our SO's and we don't see each other as much but for the past year and I just feel us drifting further and further.

I honestly don't know how we connected so well in the past. We used to have these huge long stoner discussions and had such a great time hanging out and just having long conversations and listening to good music, talking about new books I'd introduced her to, or our philosophies on relationships and life. Now I find that she really spouts off on things she has no knowledge of and it makes me cringe. She says things that I find really offensive from a feminist and racial standpoint. She said she thinks feminists are too angry and don't get their message across. When I tried explaining that maybe people have a reason to be angry and fed up it was clear she just didn't get it. She always wants everyone to be nice and civil and doesn't understand why people are so angry at protests and things like that.

She also tries to give me unsolicited relationship advice which drives me nuts. I was just talking about an issue paperboy and I had with cleaning but that we talked about it and it was no big deal but she suggested I had to think of a solution and then make paperboy think he had thought of the solution. huh.gif It's cool that her partner and her have a dynamic that works for them but I wish she would respect the fact that everyone's relationships are different.

We hung out recently and had dinner together and I had a great time and was wondering if I had just been imagining everything but on the ride home I was ready to say goodbye after some uncomfortable racial conversations. I'm not exactly sure why but I feel like I can't jump in and share my opinion because I don't want to sound like I'm criticizing her all the time and I don't want to feel like I'm "teaching" my friend. I feel really bad because I feel like there's this weird divide because she has basic knowledge about all this stuff I'm interested in but I've actually studied or worked in those worlds and have a totally different, and I think more realistic, perspective.

I guess I just needed to vent. We only see each other about once a month now but I can't believe we were so close and now I have a totally different opinion. I think she changed a lot when she started seeing her guy, and I like him, but I dunno...things are just soooooo different. I don't want to cut her out completely but I find myself wanting to hang out less and less.


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Persiflager
post Dec 31 2009, 05:10 AM
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Well, I don't think there's any need for you to martyr yourself by signing up to an evening with people you don't like! I'd go for girls night or quality couple time. Do you know what he'd prefer? And which do you think would be more fun?

I don't think there's any problem with celebrating NYE separately if that's what suits you both - it's not a particularly meaningful occasion to me. That said, a quiet NYE can be very romantic wink.gif


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buttercups
post Dec 30 2009, 03:51 PM
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Hey everyone, thanks for all your great advice as usual. I've got another little dilemma and you guys are always the ones offering the best advice so here it goes...

I am one of the only ones of my friends who is in a relationship..actually I might be the only one haha. Tomorrow is New Year's Eve of course and I'm having trouble deciding who to spend it with. I could either spend it with A) my bf and his friends (who as many of you know I don't care for) and my best friend Z (who I've forgiven..) at one of the boy's houses, B ) my girlfriends (including Z) drinking and partying at a girl's night, or C) just me and my bf. I've been dating my bf for almost 2 years now, so it's not like it's a new relationship. Should I just let him go alone to his friend's house and I go alone to my girl's night? Or should we be together? How important is it for couples to be together on New Years? I'd of course like to be with him, but I also don't want to ditch my friends. My other girlfriends can't come to his friend's house because they don't know him. Not quite sure what to do...and I hate how I always find myself in these situations. I understand that it's really hard for a lot of single girls to be the only one at a party full of couples, but it's also hard for someone in a relationship to be the only person in one with a bunch of people who don't have bfs/gfs. What would you do?
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nickclick
post Dec 1 2009, 10:13 AM
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buttercups, i don't think you need to put Z in either side of the BFF/never-see-again spectrum just yet. i don't know how old you are, but i'm 34, and one of the biggest lessons i've learned (the hard way) is that all of my friends are good for certain needs, both yours and theirs - laughing, crying, book-swapping, concert-going, etc. and each friend is not always in that category forever and ever. the friendships arc at different points.... at the low points, we come in here and complain! and try to manage problems. anna, persiflager and star offered great suggestions.

i can't offer much more because i'm also the strong-but-silent type who seems to be a sponge for crazy. thanks, persiflager for posting that article. i said yes to my needy friend when she asked to sleepover tonite. i'm busy but not too busy, but the reason is silly and i'm disappointed in myself for participating. her younger sister is getting married today in another state and then driving to their parents', arriving late tonite. needy friend doesn't want to be woken up or bothered by them, so she's escaping. i know the real reason is that she's jealous her younger sister is married before her, coupled with the facts that she's living again with their parents and is a typical Leo that craves attention and will not be at the center for a few days. anyways, she'll be over tonite and she's on the low point of her arc right now and i'm helping the best i can. but yeah, i have to learn to not be so quick with the yeses.
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stargazer
post Nov 30 2009, 08:42 PM
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(((buttercups))) Sorry to hear z is still being into herself. I think in terms of your friendships overall...just setting boundaries and saying no can be a starter in changing the dynamics in your relationships. Also, making friends with people who value mutuality like it sounds you do in friendships. I would use the joking with saying no to a limit 'cause it sounds passive aggressive to me and people may take you less seriously if you joke about your needs all the time.


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buttercups
post Nov 30 2009, 06:46 PM
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Thanks Persiflager, that article is soo me hahaha, I needed that! Z has contacted me since and is talking to me like nothings ever happened- I guess because I'm letting her. *sigh *
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Persiflager
post Nov 28 2009, 12:52 PM
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Also "What did your last slave die of?" - it's a classic for a reason!

I think that's fair with regards to Z. I predict that it'll go one of two ways - she'll hang out with them for a while until they upset her too much and then she'll come running back, or she'll end up dating one of them until she gets her heart broken and then comes running back.

Useful article with advice on how to say no to friends.


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