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um... who me? uh i guess i'm the lounge's resident tranny. old school bustie formerly known as butta.

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entry Oct 8 2009, 02:27 PM
it's been a weird year.

in some ways it's been fantastic, in others, heartbreaking. earlier in the year i was thinking about getting on anti depression medication, i've always suffered from depression. quite honestly i wear my heart on my sleeve. while i can be a tough nugget at times, i'm very, very easily bruised, and those bruises spread until they suffocate me. the summer was pretty good with a minimum of that sort of thing, but lately, the sads have been coming back.

most of my friends, people i know suffer from depression, but are on medication, and seem fine, but in the last month or so i think i've kind of decided against it. quite honestly, i like the comfort of the idea of suicide. some people will say that's the depression or me rationalizing, but the fact is, life is painful. and if things don't quite even out, why should i stick around. a girl i dated had a friend who was in many ways my stunt double commit suicide earlier in the year, about the time i had my last hardcore bout. he was a pharmacist, and simply took the proper drugs, went out to his truck, with some liquor and offed himself. she called me the day after i managed to cry myself to sleep instead of hanging myself. she told me how it felt like so many people she cared about end up dying. since she had been thru 3 or 4 funerals or calls about dead friends in the last 6 months before that. i didn't tell her that i was very close to being one of those phone calls.

those close calls are always the weirdest. the next day there will be some little tidbit, a table scrap, really, that makes you feel like sticking around was worth it. usually it's an illusion. kind of a way of telling yourself you should be happy you didn't off yourself. but really what's the difference? there will be highs, there will be lows, come se, come sa. really one is just as good as the other. really, is anything that follows really all that fantastic that it really was unmissable? i'd bet not. not that their aren't pretty wonderful things that can happen, but meh. they aren't all earth shattering, now are they? but why should they be? when the sads come on, it's not usually one thing, but the accumulation of a bunch of little things, and then that one that sends you over, it's the straw that breaks the camel's back. that little .00002 ounces that tip the scales. so why would the good times be anything but a bunch of tiny little happys? it's inconsequential either way. the only difference is the sads stick around a bit longer.

now, i don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, this ISN'T a cry for help. quite honestly, i'm gonna do what i'm gonna do, regardless of the kind words my friends tell me, the notes they send me, or whatever. how i feel is how i feel, and that really is going to be the thing that determines if i take a walk out that emergency exit door. i'm just sayin'. as usual i feel like exploring this, and i'm really not looking for a reaction, sympathy or kind words. i've had all of those. a friend of mine suggested that it would be painful, but after some research i've figured out a way to painlessly suffocate myself, with minimal pain. cost of supplies are roughly about $80 and could be obtained at a party supply store and a hardware shop. worse come to worse if i'm interrupted i'll be a vegetable with a voice like minnie mouse.... if i could talk. wink.gif

it used to be that i feared that i'd wind up in hell, all those years of going to church had literally put the fear of god in me, but of late, i've really shed so much of that Christian dogma. no, now the only thing that keeps me here is what keeps me here, having a half way decent day followed by another half way decent day, and so on. hell i've managed to drag myself thru this life to get to the ripe old age that i am, i figure either i'll feel good enough about things to click the [continue] button. if not? then i'll not. and i think that's the way it should be.

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sk8 boarding with a long board,
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asian cinema- particularlly korean films, movies from the 60's + 70's, screwball comedies of the 30s-40's, german expresionist film, horror and film noir, neo-noir, sci-fi particularly dystopias, self-reflexive film. film theory.
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feminism, feminist theory, feminist film theory,
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