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maddy29
post Aug 3 2006, 11:37 AM
Post #581


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


there's a statue of limitations, for people with recovered memories i believe it's 3 years since the time of the memory. I was at the bottom of the barrel at that time. I did consider suing or pressing charges, but the court battle would have taken 2-3 years, and i didn't have the energy for that. plus, i'm in a different state now, so i'd have to be going back and forth. plus, when it comes down to it, it's his word against mine. and he has people willing ot lie for him. also, i was told that i'd have to describe things graphically, and even potentially get down and demonstrate certain positions, etc. So i decided i just didn't have the strength for it. plus i stil don't know if i believe my memories...

it's frustrating, it's like if you don't do the legal thing, what can you do?
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cstars124
post Aug 3 2006, 09:42 AM
Post #582


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 179
From: Providence


hey maddy, did you ever go to the police or anything? i'm not too familar with certain aspects of the law, but is there anything that they can do legally?
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maddy29
post Aug 3 2006, 08:27 AM
Post #583


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


it's interesting how many of us were hurt by people we knew and loved and trusted. or at least knew.

i'm feeling sooo angry about this. how much it happens. and how powerless i feel to change anything.

i've been thinking about sending all of my grandparent's neighbors letters warning them. and to the local newspaper. is that bad? i've also been thinking of showing up on their doorstep. i just feel like i want to DO something. instead of just waiting around until he dies.

i've been thinking of sending my aunt "beginning to heal" and some incest info-but i know that's wrong. she didn't support me and called me a liar, so part of me wants to freak her out.
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cstars124
post Aug 3 2006, 08:17 AM
Post #584


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 179
From: Providence


gumby, I was raped by someone i was dating too. And when I told my friends, they said the same thing. About how I should have done all these different things, and at the time, i didn't really even THINK of doing anything because i was just really confused that it was happening at all.

I can completely understand about now wanting to tell your friends, though. I didn't tell mine until almost a year after it happened. Because a) I didn't want to really believe that it happened and I was sorta in denial about it, b ) as stupid as this sounds, i WANTED my friends to like him. I didn't want them to think of him as a rapist, even though he totally is.

Whatever you decide, it's very comforting to post here and talk to other people who have been through the same thing.
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maddy29
post Aug 3 2006, 07:10 AM
Post #585


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


yeah, the truth is, you're right to be afraid to tell people. some will believe and support you, some won't believe you (probably his friends) and some will wonder why you didn't fight back or etc etc. It's a big risk to tell, but for me, it was sooo worth it. Cause, now I don't have to stand in front of him, or see him.

i'm so sorry about the insurance. sometimes it's worht it to try again. are you in the us? do you have a ptsd diagnosis? usually that can get more visits....

i feel bad, gumby, that your family and friends don't know, because they could potentially be a great source of support for you. Or not, they could just suck, i don't know. but, sometimes people can surprise you. or maybe share their own story with you.

are you thinking about not going? or about going and just coping? or telling your friend? or just too overwhelmed to think about it now? smile.gif sucks. really really sucks.
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ananke
post Aug 3 2006, 04:16 AM
Post #586


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Posts: 266


A very very eeerily similar thing happened to me.

I only told people this year (four years on) who did it - he was best friends with my husband and one of our best friends. They believed me. It is possible - the people who are worth it wil believe you and support you.
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gumby_cc
post Aug 2 2006, 06:59 PM
Post #587


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Posts: 242
From: Boston


maddy, i can't even imagine standing in front of the person that did shit to you....it's like the most vulnerable space to be in. so sorry to hear that.

thanks for being supportive kitten and maddy. I guess i hardly told anybody because i had a previous dating relationship with him....on top of that while we were dating, i was completely unstable and had really low self esteem, AND he comes off as this easygoing, harmless person so i guess i just felt like no one would believe me. on top of it, when i did tell a couple of people at the time that it happened, they were all like, "why didn't you scream no?" " why didn't you punch him in the face?" and just trying to justify my actions was so fucking draining. i dont know. i guess its not a good reason.

it gets me furious that he is living his life and making friends and walking around like it didn't happen. it makes me completely wary and suspicious of everybody! like maybe i'm friends with a rapist and i don't even know it. i knew i didn't want to press charges, and i still don't. but i'm just afraid people (esp his friends) won't blelieve me and that it will be so draining...and that word will get around....my family doesn't even know. my engaged friend has no discretion and i am afraid that even if i told her not to tell others, that she would spread it around.

i have been in therapy for a year...and it's going well. but my therapist just applied for visits over the first 24 and my insurance rejected it because even though i was raped, there is no medical evidence and the legal system is not involved so i don't get parity.

sorry. it does feel a lot better to talk about it here. thanks for listening.
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kittenb
post Aug 2 2006, 11:20 AM
Post #588


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


gumby_cc that's a horrible position to be put in. Telling your friends does mean that they will have to take a side in the whole deal.
I don't know if you want advice or anything or if you just need to talk. Just remember, we are here to listen or help however you need.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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maddy29
post Aug 2 2006, 09:57 AM
Post #589


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


oh gumby, i'm SO sorry. that's totally sucky and unfair. my grandfather was at my sister's wedding (this was before i told everyone) and he stood behind me during the ceremony and it was awful. it totally ruined the wedding for me.

can i ask why you don't want to tell them that their friend is a fucking rapist? sorry, it just makes me so angry that he is just walking around out there la la la, and still has friends, etc. and you are the one who has to worry about it.

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gumby_cc
post Aug 1 2006, 09:28 PM
Post #590


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 242
From: Boston


Sorry to just jump in. I'm a long time lurker but now have serious anxiety about something.
My oldest (but not closest) friend just got engaged. There is no doubt I will be attending her wedding (in a year). It just hit me today that the person that raped me will also be invited. I haven't spoken to him since the incident five years ago, and although I told my friend that something bad happened, I didn't get into specifics because I didn't think it was any of her business. Only about 5 people in my whole life know and I don't want to tell her. They are close, as are a bunch of our mutual friends who will definately be going.

When I first told her I never wanted to hear about him ever again, she forgot and twice mentioned him in passing. I had to be really firm with her regarding that. She probably just thinks we had a stupid argument or something. I just felt so excited for her when I first heard the news, and then my heart got heavy thinking that he may go.

I saw him once about a year after, we were passing each other on the street. It was such a total shock that I completely shut down and hid in a doorway. He waved at me like he was happy to see me, like nothing had happened at all.

It's not for a very long time, but it still freaks me out.
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kittenb
post Jul 31 2006, 09:40 AM
Post #591


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
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Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


The DNA backlog is still a problem. The funding just isn't there. It takes so long for evidence kits to be processed. Really, unless the police have to reason to think that they know who did it, the lits are not done for a long time. Which is such a bitch b/c often when they are done, mulitple cases are found to be connected.

As for your conversation with that ass-hat, I commend you for even trying to reason with these people. It just will not happen. The FMSF was founded by the parents of a girl who remembered that her father sexually abused her. Though she approached her family in private about her memories, the parents went public. They even went so far as to send long letters to her daughters employers and tenure review board about how unstable she was and all these horrible lies. Jennifer Freyd, the daughter, went on to become an expert in the world of repressed memories. The only reason she ever went public with her claims, as far as I understand it, was b/c her mother was attacking her, professionally. Her parents started the False Memory Syndrome Foundation, a misnomer at best because False Memory is not a diagnosable condition. They are just awful people and responsible for a major portion of the survivor backlash from the late 80's, early 90's. At one point, one of the most active FMSF board members was also an apparent proponant of "intergenerational relationships" as I think he called it, sex b/w adults & children. He was interviewed for the Journal of Pedophelia (Norwegian, I think, all of my notes on this are buried in my desk.) Total NAMBLA stuff.


--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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maddy29
post Jul 31 2006, 09:19 AM
Post #592


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


Ok kittenb, i'll mention it-FMSF smile.gif Yep, I checked and Mark is on the board of this. I emailed back and forth with him last week. It was very disturbing, but interesting at the same time. He wanted to meet me to discuss it further. uh, yeah, that's gonna happen. Creepy really, considering he's been accused of raping his daughter (who has cut off contact with him for many many years).

He spent a lot of time trying to convince me that he wasn't an abuser. He also spent a lot of time twisting my words around, etc. He believes that there is "real" incest and then there are people like me who somehow, magically get led into believing they were abused, then recovering memories.

He couldn't quite explain to me who or what had led me into my remembering. he blamed the courage to heal for creating so many false-recovered memories and false victims. he believes that laura davis (author of c to heal) was also "led" into her memories. He says he doesn't think I'm crazy, or a liar, but that I trulyl believe these false memories.

He said that repression doesn't exist. People can forget things that don't really matter that much, but if you were abused you'd remember htat and never forget. He says science has proved these memories are false. lol. i'mm like where?

i ended the correspondence because he was clearly just so biased and trying to save his own ass. plus, the whole "lets meet and talk about your incest memories" was pretty disturbing.

whew, it's been quite a week for me. it's just so hard to trust myself.

that is so annoying aobut the cops wanting to know what else WOMEN can do to not get raped. i mean please. that's the kind of thinking htat allows so many women to be raped in the first place! GRR

Hey, do you remember when there were all these rape kits and DNA backed up in the system, just wiating to be processed, but there wasn't enough funding to do it? Is that still going on? Or has that problem been solved.

I totally know what you mean baout how long does it take to heal. kinda takes a lifetime, in some ways. i've been through two long term therapies and they helped a lot. it's just frustrating to feel like i'm back at the same disbelief as years ago! grrr....
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kittenb
post Jul 31 2006, 07:31 AM
Post #593


There is nothing ironic about Show Choir!
***
Posts: 3,261
From: Chicago


A few weeks ago I was speaking in front of several police officers on the topic of sexual assault prevention. As I was coming at it from the perspective that the only person who could truly prevent rape was the rapist and they wanted some sort of magical word/action that an intended victim could do or say to prevent rape, it was in interesting night. At one point, one of the officers asked what advice I would give someone who had been dragged into an alley and was about to be raped. "Don't die," was my response. Every victim/survivor has a long time of questioning her/hiself about what she could have done to make things different. No matter what age the survivor was when the rape or abuse occured. It does not help that even the police look at the problem with a victim blaming mentality. By the end of that talk, I thought I was going to pull my hair out. The district chief told me that he wanted ways to know how to lower the nubers of rapes in his neighborhood. I told him clearly that I did not belive that would ever happen until he knew what the honest stats were and that wouldn't happen as long as so many police officers treated survivors with the blatent disrespect that I saw and heard about all the time at my job. Argh!

I have not been in here this thread for awhile. I have been so caught up in avoiding my own shit, that I couldn't. So, can I make a few comments about some of the stuff that has been posted here. This might become a long post.

cstars- I am so sorry that your friends have been unable/willing to validate your pain. The fact that you were sexual with this person before and/or after is not at all uncommon. You are not alone in that experience and that does not make you stupid or weak or deserving of mistreatment.

maddy29- if you ever want to get me really going on a tirade, just mention the False Memory Syndrome Foundation. Thoes people are evil and should be stopped. I don't know who Mark Pendergrast is, but I'll be looking him up now. BTW, there are some theraputic techniques similar to hypnosis (I am thinking Eye Movement Desensitization) that you might want to look into. You are much more in control that you are when hypnotized. I was very helpful to me.

annake (I hope this was you, I can't bring that part of thread up at this moment)- I am so happy that the honeymoon went so well! A few problems, but you got through it!

pixiedust - I love that you said that to the defense attny. Way to go!

As for me, I feel like I am in a very weird place. For thoes who ever wonder "How long does it take to heal?", well, I have had three rounds of therapy and I work with rape survivors for a living and I know I am still healing. The wound is huge and depsite the fact that I know I have a good life, I know that there are some parts of me that just don't work as well as I want them too. Everyday I remind myself that my pain is valid and my fumbles are just a part of this life. What worries me is that I plan on becoming a full-time counselor for rape survivors within the next year. And yet, my life is a mess in so many ways. Will that perspective make me a better counselor or a possible danger to my clients? I just don't know...




--------------------
In times of destruction, create something.
MHK
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maddy29
post Jul 27 2006, 08:31 AM
Post #594


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


thanks pixie smile.gif it's true, i was like 7 when it started, and that was 1983, and no one had a clue then! i mean my mom literally worried about everything. she still does. but she never worried about that, it was just inconceivable to her.

although, my mom says she was "groped" by a school janitor, and her next door old man neighbor exposed himself masturbating to her, like i guess he sat in the yard with a blanket over him and he showed her.

so i mean, it's always happened, but my mom never said anything to anyone. and then wasn't worried about it happening to me. it was all the "strangers with candy" thing back then. and we DID have that happen, i remember in like 1st or 2nd grade this guy was trolling the playgound and my chubby friend went to talkto him cause of the candy thing wink.gif i was like agh! come back, you can't go talk to him!

my friend has some weird daycare memories too. she and her much younger sister went, and they were really mean, and then she also has these weird feelings/memories/thoughts connected to it. scary sad.gif

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pixiedust
post Jul 26 2006, 04:33 PM
Post #595


Tink's Red headed Step Sis
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Posts: 1,810
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Don't ever think yourself crazy maddy. I have reprerssed memories too. I have a series images that come through my mind, but it's not really the pictures, but the emotions tied to them that lead me to believe that I may have been molested when I was very young. When I was maybe 4 or 5, I was at daycare and they put all of us in this room with a guy who had one of those huge foam #1 fingers. I went Hysterical! I was flipping out so bad, I think they had to call my mom to come get me. Of course back in the late 70's early 80's everyones minds didn't immediately jump to molestation like it would today.

Eta: I almost miss the preview post section of the old lounge. I type dyslexic when I am typing fast.


--------------------
~May the Fleas of one thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who messes up your day, and may their arms be too short to scratch!~
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maddy29
post Jul 26 2006, 04:22 PM
Post #596


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


such a great point EJ! although i imagine a lot of people just freeze up anyways....

My mom put me and my sis into karate when we were young, so we could "protect ourselves against strangers" lol-kinda sad...

anyways- sorry for that big ole flip out there, i feel so muchbetter. i literally forgot that he abused my older cousin. all day it just didn't occur to me. all of a sudden, i'm like wait a minute! it's not just me, it's not just a question of am i crazy and making things up. because that happened in like, 1983 or something, and i didn't find out about it til after I disclosed my own abuse. whew. god it's amazing the way my brain works!

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erinjane
post Jul 26 2006, 02:28 PM
Post #597


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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


cstars, I deal a lot with the 'why didn't i do more' thing. Recently I took a self defense class and I was wishing that I'd had someone put me in one when I was younger. I did the same thing though, wondering why i didn't fight more or scream. I said no, and i told him to stop, i tried to push him off once too, but for a long time I felt I should have done more. Now I realize, after taking that class, I did as much as I knew how to do at the time.


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I Could Tell You Stories That Would Make Your Ears Curl
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maddy29
post Jul 26 2006, 02:09 PM
Post #598


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


now i've got myself all riled up. i happened across this guy, mark pendergrast, who wrote this big ole book about how all of us incest victims are hysterical and insane. we all make things up, because we want attention and want to "hang all of our problems on incest." Of course, he is a father who was accused of incest.

so i know i shouldn't read that shit-cause it is shit, and i know it. BUT, i already struggle so much with denial and confusion, so i always feel like crap-what if they are right? although i didn't have anyone ever suggest it to me or pressure me into having a memory or anything. i just feel like punching that guy in the fucking face, because he has no idea how hard it is to have these insane memories and feel like you're completely losing your mind.

man, i'm kinda flipping out. thansk for ltetting me vent. i wrote this guy two emails. i don't know why i bothered. but his book is on the Nat'l association of social workers website, with all of these "great" reviews. I'm an MSW and it's really disturbing and scary that the NASW would allow something liek that to be publicized on their website. GRRRRR. Today I hate the fucking world and all the fucking stupid ass people whose heads are up their fucking assholes.

i was thinking this am on the bus. i was remembering this time when i was out on the boat with my grampa, and i was getting out of the boat and kinda stood up weird, so that i twisted my ankle just a bit. no big deal, it hurt a bit. anyways, when we got back from the boat, to the house where the rest of my relatives were, my grama and aunt were all "oh sit down, oh dear, let's go make you a sandwich, etc" They were waiting on me hand and foot. itw as really weird. it didn't make sense. weirdly i come back to that time now and then and wonder what it was all aobut.

i realized on the bus-my aunt and grama thought he touched me or hurt me on the boat. they thought i was upset because of that, and so they rushed to "take care of me"- cause i was the secret keeper. i got soooo fucking mad on the bus. i had a weirdly special status in that family, and i just realized why. as long as he was fuckign with me, he probably wasn't bothering the others. sick. sick sick sick.

fuck. fuck fuck fuckity fuck. thank god i have tomorrow off. hope i'm not totally overwhelming people on here, i'm just feeling so frustrated. like all the work i've done in the past decade-and i STILL don't believe myself? and everytime i tell someone, or share something, i get the backlash.

ha! ok-not social workers, nat'l association of SCIENCE writers. thank god! that makes me feel better that it's not being promoted by social workers!
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cstars124
post Jul 26 2006, 11:09 AM
Post #599


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 179
From: Providence


I don't think it's a crazy idea. I've heard of so many people doing it. And it helped my friend a little bit, if I'm remembering correctly.

I also think that having your old therapist in the room would be an excellent idea. At least he/she'd be able to help you relax and could maybe like you said, make a transcript of what is said so you can have it.

I think it might help you, at least feel a little better having an idea of what happened so you can move on from it. If you spend the rest of your life not being sure or not knowing, then I think it can keep resurfacing and just make it worse for you in the long run.
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maddy29
post Jul 26 2006, 10:56 AM
Post #600


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 934
From: Boston, MA


also, friends that don't believe you aren't really friends.

cstars i'm so sorry that happened to you:( how really really scary and confusing and just what the fuck???!!!

at a take back the night speech, this woman told us that whatever we did to survive was "the right thing to do." so, if we fought back, that was the right thing. if we didn't, that was the right thing to do. it's easy to look back and now say, oh why didn't i do xyz, but at the time, no way. whatever you did to survive it is ok. maybe he would've hurt you worse if you'd fought back more, who knows? also, it's hard to get violent with a loved one, even when they are hurting you! it's just hard!!!!

no need to apologize cstars, post whatever you want, whatever helps.

i personally would love to see this thread be much more active.

about the hypnotist thing- i've heard it doesn't work that great or it's a risk or whateve.r but, i was thinking about having my old therapist come to the sessions and observe, so that i'd feel safe, and that she could see what the hypnotist is doing, if they are leading me or suggesting, or whatever. is this just a crazy idea? i'm so fucking sick of not knowing, even though i know that knowing might kill me. gah
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