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> The General Sex thread
sageykins
post Jan 8 2010, 06:34 PM
Post #61


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 128
From: West Texas


We did have a couple of lovin sessions this week. And I feel better... The rest of our relationship has many good things, and I believe he is trying... There's still much to be redeemed and so we shall see. I am trying to focus on me more. Making me feel better about me. And we'll see what happens.
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sageykins
post Jan 4 2010, 05:38 PM
Post #62


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 128
From: West Texas


Thanks Bob. I'll keep those things in mind. I don't know how to snap him out of it, although he seems to have gotten out of it more recently. And I am now in it.... I hate that he looks at porn, I hate that he seems to want and need it... But for whatever reason he does. Its not that I've never looked or didn't get off from it before, but most porn seems so power oriented- control focus. A man controling a woman or women and what they are doing... And it all comes across as rape to me anymore. And I'm a lucky girl in that I haven't been abused or anything, but it destroys me to watch rape scenes in movies all the same.
I don't know what will happen.
There is so much good. And it does feel like we are trying, both of us, to bring us back to where we once were and find our happiness.
Thank you for your input. I think that helped me refocus how I'm seeing things.
smile.gif
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bob4both
post Jan 4 2010, 09:12 AM
Post #63


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 107
From: the land of Jack Daniels


Sagey; I'll throw in a guy's point of view because what you (& him) are experiencing sounds very similar to the same prison I've been able to release myself from. My girl & I were also in a funk, actually brought on by porn. It made her feel unwanted & reduced her desire for sex (even though at one time we enjoyed it together), and in turn sent me into a spiral (porn is there, she is not; porn satisfies the urge, she does not). It got to where I just gave up on sex with her, but not sex itself. It was easier to just jerk off than attempt to please a partner. I got my urges satisfied & didn't have to be bothered with meeting the needs of another. An extremely selfish thought process, I know; but I didn't care because I was feeling bad about myself as well.

I got over it just before Christmas, when we went away for a night & she gave me an early "Christmas present". The passion she demonstrated was enough to snap me out of it & desire to please her again. But there was months of guilt & pain leading up to it, as well. I don't know if this is what he is going through and I am in no way condoning or excusing what I did, but I can understand it. I also offer no advice as whether to stay or stray as I don't know either of you, but I hope it works out for you.


--------------------
"Earth: The insane asylum for the universe..."
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sageykins
post Jan 4 2010, 07:55 AM
Post #64


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 128
From: West Texas


Well there's good and bad things in it. We laugh a lot and like some of the same things and enjoy ourselves. But there have been those issues and some others. I know every relationship has it's bad times and maybe we are just going through one. it hasn't all been bad. I waffle because I know there's good with us and I don't want to lose that now that we're this far in... I mean it has been almost a year and there's family involvement on both sides and there is good stuff. We like to ride the motorcycle, we like traveling, we like a lot of things together.
I've asked him about it and his answer is he has been in a funk. He isn't interested in it. I mean, he wasn't. Now he's found some sex drive and... I dont know. I lost mine.
I really don't know sometimes. We talked more last night and he feels that he's fine with me being in a funk and he'll be patient. There's a lot more to every situation and it's hard to say all of it in one little post.
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flanker_ji
post Jan 3 2010, 10:26 PM
Post #65


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 529
From: Santa Rosa, CA


Sagey, what is the rest of your relationship like? Why do you want to make yourself want someone that doesn't make you feel wanted? Have you asked him for an explanation? Right now, it seems like the only thing that would redeem this situation is getting out of it...


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"Patience is a virtue, but I don't have the time..."
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sageykins
post Jan 3 2010, 07:50 AM
Post #66


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 128
From: West Texas


This is unrelated to anyone's post, I just need to vent/get some help.
For months my guy and I have been living together, and for a long time, he has had no desire for sex, doesn't want it, etc. I'd be lucky to get it twice a month. Now, I've gained 20+ lbs in the last 4 months or so, and I no longer want sex. I miss being close to him and having it sometimes, but it's so rare. I tried for months, I tried seducing him, blowing him, talking porn, watching porn for ideas, anything.
Now, porn turns me off completely, I don't want sex, I am disinterested, and overweight. He has tons of porn, watches it, I found a tee shirt in the living room hidden by his chair with gunk on it- so he's getting off to it. Who knows how often, but it's just become... depressing. I tried for a long time and now, I'm feeling like I'll never want it with him again. And I used to love sex. We used to have good sex. Before we moved in... And things were so fast and then we were living together and he drives an hour to work and an hour home...
I'm running a long winded rant-y type thing here and it's not going anywhere. Sorry ladies and gents.
I just... I no longer know what to do or thing. I used to love sex, I craved it. For about 7 months he just... never wanted me and made me feel like he was either bored with me or didn't want me. And now he's handed me the funk he used to be in... Any thoughts on how to get it back? Find my drive?? Because it's pretty dead...
sad.gif
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zoya
post Dec 20 2009, 03:56 PM
Post #67


uh huh.
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Posts: 1,818
From: the world.


lalumiere - I second the Wellbutrin recommendation - not only does it not have sexual side effects, it can actually heighten arousal (not kidding, I swear I have never been so horny as since I've been on it) however, something you might want to bring up if you ask your doctor about changing meds is your anxiety and how Wellbutrin may affect it. Wellbutrin can make some people a little more anxious (not super, but enough if you already have anxiety issues) so sometimes they like to balance it out - I'm on Wellbutrin and also a low dose of Buspar, which works great for me. Don't know how or if Wellbutrin can be taken with effexor. Effexor is what they originally wanted to put me on, but I was really hesitant because of sexual side effects and weight gain issues (I'd done a LOT of research during the time of my first few conversations with a psych about meds) so they decided instead that we'd try the Wellbutrin and it's worked great for me. We added the Buspar when I was still having that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm barely above sub theraputic level, but it works perfectly. Between the two, I've had no sexual side effects, and like I said, I'm pretty sure they've even hightened things a bit. (which, considering I'm in the shittiest dry spell ever, isn't always the most wonderful thing...ha)

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dayglowpink
post Dec 20 2009, 01:15 PM
Post #68


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 519
From: the shallow south


Lalumiere- Just a couple of other things based on my experience: I sometimes get some little tears in my perineum area after sex. I've noticed that it has to do with having sex when I'm not very physically aroused even if I use lube. The vagina gets larger and stretchier with arousal, so my theory is that if I rush into it, it's not as ready for sex. This could be an issue for you.

The medication you're on definitely can have sexual side effects. It can decrease interest and make it more difficult to orgasm as well. If it continues to be an issue, you could consider talking to your doctor about adding Welbutrin or switching to Welbutrin. It does not have the sexual side effects, and for some people, adding it on in addition to their other meds is helpful.

Many people get accustomed to orgasming from a specific type of stimulation and have difficulty cumming with anything else. This is something that you can work on if you are so inclined. You have to kind of train yourself to respond to other types of stimulation by getting yourself close to climax with your preferred method and then switching the stimulation. This could take time, though. I haven't had the patience for it myself. smile.gif They talk about it in the book "I (heart) Female Orgasm".

Another book I have mentioned several times in this forum is called "The Elusive Orgasm." It also gives specific recommendations for increasing a woman's arousal level, increasing trust between partners, and dealing with anxiety and emotional issues about sex. You might like this book as well.

Finally, it might help to see a therapist to help you deal with some of your guilt and anxiety issues. I am working on some issues like this with my therapist, and it can be difficult, but it can really help. Good luck, and let us know how things are going.
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Lalumiere
post Dec 19 2009, 07:35 PM
Post #69


Newbie
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Posts: 8
From: ontario


thanks for the help guys (er.. ladies). were going to work on it by just trying to focus on feeling comfortable and seeing what feels good. we both know I have issues regarding sex and hes more than willing to help me through this.. I know I have a lot of guilt about it! usually when we're fooling around I just try to please him more than myself because.. well its much easier! but he's getting frustrated not being able to satisfy me! I'm glad he is willing to put up with me through this tongue.gif ..
snow white.. thank you! I hope things resolve themselves quickly for you too!
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snow white
post Dec 19 2009, 05:20 PM
Post #70


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 345
From: upstate new york


QUOTE(coffeebean @ Dec 18 2009, 08:41 AM) *
It is possible to be with each other sexually but remove the pressure to have actual intercourse? Like go into it knowing that you are going to fool around but know that you won't be having intercourse? If possible even remove the pressure of having to come? That way you can focus on touching, kissing, licking, sucking etc. for each other's enjoyment and to find out what feels good to you and your partner with all pressure removed. By taking off the pressure of intercourse you may find that you will be more relaxed and possibly able to come. He will get the opportunity to find out how to please you best and what you like.


That's where i'm at right now, my problems "down there" (i have Irratible Bowel Disease and it's causing swelling in my vag from so much inflammation down there) are going to take some time and patience to resolve and i'm anxious to feel "normal" again and not have to worry about painful intercourse when we're only fooling around. it's hard to feel good about things when you feel like you have to push your partner away or tell him no and it's hard to relax when you're only fooling around and you're feeling frustrated, anxious, guilty that you can't show him a great time. i've been having a hard time with all this but C (my fiance) is so good, i've never met a person before who is so understanding, comforting, accepting and willing to work around a problem. where as i kind of shut down in the face of this he continues to fuel our sex life and thinks of new ways to be sexually active without straight forward intercourse, it's so nice feeling like your still sexy and someone still wants you in that way when you're having problems. I'vekind of given him permission in a way to direct our sex life b/c before i was just closed for business, but we're doing alot better now. not having any sex at all really sucks. i just need to relax and enjoy what we have now b/c i always thought i was the kind of person who thought sex and love making came in all different forms and now i need to put that into practice.

Lalumiere, u and i are kinda in the same boat. I hope things are getting better for u. smile.gif


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I'm not loaded, I'm just tired of being nice
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coffeebean
post Dec 18 2009, 08:41 AM
Post #71


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 144


(((Lalumiere))) Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time with your partner right now. I don't know how much experience he has previous to you but it can take a long time to really get in tune with what 'does it' for a sexual partner. Also, each partner is different so just when you thought that you had it figured out, a new partner catches you off guard.

It sounds as though this situation is stressing you both out quite a bit. It is possible to be with each other sexually but remove the pressure to have actual intercourse? Like go into it knowing that you are going to fool around but know that you won't be having intercourse? If possible even remove the pressure of having to come? That way you can focus on touching, kissing, licking, sucking etc. for each other's enjoyment and to find out what feels good to you and your partner with all pressure removed. By taking off the pressure of intercourse you may find that you will be more relaxed and possibly able to come. He will get the opportunity to find out how to please you best and what you like.

If that doesn't work is it possible to get into the shower together and have him watch you while you do your thing on your own? Would you feel comfortable with this? Perhaps by integrating him into that experience, you will feel more comfortable with him and he may learn a little more about what you like. It is not uncommon to get into the pattern of coming in a certain way (i.e., your legs have to be a certain way, or on your back, or on your front etc.) by yourself and then having more trouble when you get together with a new partner.
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twelve_percent
post Dec 17 2009, 05:51 PM
Post #72


BUSTie
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Posts: 61
From: The grassy nolls


Lalumiere:

You say a warm bath is your old faithful. Have you tried to relax your muscles with heat before you start to do anything? Maybe soak in the tub for a long time before you do anything. Get yourself relaxed and loose before you have anyone stick anything up there.


--------------------
Listen to my music and you will feel complete! www.myspace.com/kellyinezmusic
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Lalumiere
post Dec 17 2009, 04:36 PM
Post #73


Newbie
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Posts: 8
From: ontario


thanks angie..
we actually waited a really long time (well by most standards) before having sex.. we were together for a year before the first time. we had done lots of other things before hand but not actual intercourse. I had some reservations and issues regarding losing my virginity (THANKS sylvia plath.. that one part in the Bell Jar scarred me for life) which I think might be part of the problem anyway. we havent done it too many times, I think we've used one box of condoms and thats it.. I am thinking I just need to be more comfortable with it, once its not so new and scary it will probably be okay, I just know my guy is getting very frustrated at not being able to please me sexually (and lets face it, I'm plenty frustrated myself) and that sort of anxiety is adding to it a bit too.. aaargh its all very messy. ...and not in a fun way!
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angie_21
post Dec 16 2009, 10:35 PM
Post #74


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 662
From: Alberta


snow white, hun, how are things going? any updates? A similar thing happened to me last year and it really sucked. I still don't know how much was psychological or not, but it was the same thing, trying to keep our sex life going but thinking about it all the time only made it harder to feel sexy at all. But we are pretty much fully recovered. I say "we" because it really took the two of us together to bring the intimacy back, me being brave and him being patient and very loving and also very good at the things he does smile.gif My best advice to you is to remember to keep the relaitonship intimacy going - spending lots of time snuggling, talking, and "flirting" helps you feel close and makes sex seem less of a big, scary problem. And it also kind of revs your body up a little bit so you feel sexier to begin with.

Lalumiere, I've heard that about SSRIs. A lot of medications seem to affect sex drive. I wouldn't want to give advice on that, deciding to go on or off medication is your personal choice based on how you feel it works for you, or maybe also with the advice of a doctor who has more experience with the medication, it's side effects, and other options. But if you were a virgin and don't have a baseline to judge how your body "normally" resonds without medication, it's hard to say. How long did you go out before having sex, and how many times have you tried since? I remember my first time hurting quite a lot, and the guy wasn't even very big! The sharp searing pain at the opening sounds a lot like muscle tension - you are associateing having sex with being in pain, and your body is reflexively tensing up. It's too bad that oral isn't working for you, but, well, remember, just because a guy likes to do it, doesn't mean he's very good at it. And even if he is, every girl has her own buttons that need to be pushed the right way, and it's hard for guys to judge those buttons from down there. I often find it difficult to enjoy recieving oral if I'm not already revved up to begin with, you probably just need to try other kinds of foreplay. Try to incorporate things that you know work for you, especially things that don't actually involve intercourse. Also, work on getting there by yourself, and find out more of what works for you. You need to get your body to associate sexual activities with your guy as being fun, not painful.
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Lalumiere
post Dec 16 2009, 09:24 PM
Post #75


Newbie
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Posts: 8
From: ontario


hi. I lurk here a lot and now am finally posting my own little problem.. that I need some help with!
so I've been seeing my guy for a little over a year now, and we've been having trouble. before this guy I was a virgin, and every time we've tried to have sex (like, intercourse) I've had severe pain! I know its normal to have some pain the first time but I mean, this is every time! its kind of a deep pain, like he's bangin on my cervix... and also some really sharp searing pain at the opening of my vagina. we've tried using lots o' lube but that doesnt really seem to help. the sharp pain also lasts afterwards, like a day or so. kinda feels like its tearing or something(its not, it just feels that way) anyway I dont know if its cause hes too big or if I just have a very shallow vagina or what.
my SECOND problem (jeez) is that I dont really respond to any sort of sexual stimulation. I guess I got lucky and have a boy who just loooves to go down on me, but I really dont feel anything pleasant and I just end up getting annoyed. some very gentle clitoral stimulation feels good but never enough for me to reach orgasm. I've never really had an orgasm with him... and the only way I seem to be able to have one by myself is with old faithful - the shower head/bath faucet.

anyway any advice would be really greatly super appreciated. we're getting super frustrated over this and its quite a problem.

ps - I am on effexor for anxiety/depression.. I heard that some SSRI's can have sexual side effects... any advice on this either?
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auralpoison
post Dec 14 2009, 03:17 AM
Post #76


Big Fat Bitch
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Posts: 4,932
From: Citizen of the world


The hetero wimmins & the gay mens can now buy ass in Nevada legally!


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"You're cute, like a velvet glove cast in iron. And like a gas chamber, a real fun gal."
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stargazer
post Dec 12 2009, 02:21 PM
Post #77


brown delicious
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Posts: 2,938
From: here, there, everywhere


Hi, niki and welcome to the lounge! It looks like you've posted around without properly introducing yourself in the Newbie Thread. Please introduce yourself in this thread before further posting so others will not think you are a troll.


--------------------
"I'm not impressed easily. Wow! A blue car!"-Homer Simpson
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niki
post Dec 12 2009, 02:15 PM
Post #78


BUSTie
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Posts: 10
From: NE US


Can I chime in here?

QUOTE(twelve_percent @ Dec 2 2009, 07:38 AM) *
So, I had this boyfriend. . .

I asked him if I could stick my finger up his butt. He said yes. I wiggled it around and it was glorious. I liked seeing him confused about how to feel. I was giving him head at the same time and he looked uncomfortable yet in rapture. Does this make me a sadist? I like to see men feel uncomfortable.


Hmmm.... I think he is (or was?) a very lucky boy. I love stuff that rattles gender categories, or in any small way gets people to questio their own sexuality and assumptions about gender roles.

And what's wrong with being a sadist? You did ask him. Uncomfortable is fine. People don't grow when they're too comfortable, first, and second, my experience is that sex is at its hottest when comfort zones get seriously challenged.

QUOTE(twelve_percent @ Dec 2 2009, 07:38 AM) *
Also, I've been telling this story to other people. Is that wrong?


I don't really think so. Of course it depends on who you're tellign it to, and whether you're naming names. If no names, no big deal. If names, well then don't tell hs mother. WHo else you tell depends on your and his relationship to that person.

2 cents
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twelve_percent
post Dec 2 2009, 07:38 AM
Post #79


BUSTie
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Posts: 61
From: The grassy nolls


So, I had this boyfriend. . .

I asked him if I could stick my finger up his butt. He said yes. I wiggled it around and it was glorious. I liked seeing him confused about how to feel. I was giving him head at the same time and he looked uncomfortable yet in rapture. Does this make me a sadist? I like to see men feel uncomfortable.

Also, I've been telling this story to other people. Is that wrong?


--------------------
Listen to my music and you will feel complete! www.myspace.com/kellyinezmusic
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starpiste
post Dec 1 2009, 11:42 PM
Post #80


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 142
From: Vancouver, BC


Nothing but sympathy here. I'm struggling with a similar lack of interest but no health problems, just mental ones. Good luck with the doctor!
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