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> Sex and Long-Term Relationships
sybarite
post Aug 14 2006, 05:08 AM
Post #181


it's cards on the table time
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Lawyergirl, I agree with chimera that communication is key, although I also see how this gets harder and unspoken tensions/concerns can build up. You may also want to check out the relationship thread.

Hopey, I felt much the same last winter. I do still think my mister is attractive, but I feel our styles are out of sync as well as timing... when he's feeling it, I don't and vice versa. When I was single, I used to find one-off experiences easy and fun, for the most part, and I think I miss that aspect of things the most. I feel sad that sometimes it's something we have to 'work' at; that seems wrong to me somehow. I am probably just lazy and used to things sexual coming (hee) easy to me. I should probably make more of an effort myself.

Saying that, we were away recently and one night he really surprised me smile.gif ... so my faith is renewed just now.
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ginger_kitty
post Aug 12 2006, 09:51 AM
Post #182


Hardcore BUSTie
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Posts: 1,237


Okay, I am breaking the rut!!!!

My hubby woke me w/ breakfast in bed, so I thanked him w/ really HOT morning sex!!


(((Hopey))) I don't know what to tell you....things will either work out or they won't. But what is gut telling you? Is it time to move on or do you want to make things work w/this guy? Don't feel bad either way, not all relationships were meant to last forever.


--------------------
-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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hopey
post Aug 11 2006, 10:34 PM
Post #183


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QUOTE(ms.gb @ Jul 31 2006, 11:01 AM) *

anyone else in a sex rut? like feeling un-sexy or just plain out of it? i try to 'jumpstart' it but its very short lived.


I've been a rut like a lot of you have mentioned here, except it's only with my (live-in) boyfriend. We've had our ups & downs (more downs than ups recently) and for a while I thought it was just that I had risidual anger I couldn't turn off. But lately things have been really good, I'm just dead in the nether-regions.

Weird thing is I have been crazy hot for anything and everything else. Fantasizing, burning through my Suicide Girls account, catching myself thinking about strangers I pass on the street... it's bad.

Any advice?
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chimera00
post Aug 10 2006, 02:27 AM
Post #184


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QUOTE(lawyergirl @ Aug 10 2006, 02:00 AM) *

Hi V, and all my other Busties,

Boy, I wish my life and concerns were as uncomplicated as yours. Don't get me wrong. We are all going through our own private hell....I just am at my wits' end here.

I love my husband, and he absolutely loves me too. My problem is guilt, I guess. We have been together for almost 9 years. During our 2nd year together, his back went south on him, from an old high school football injury. He was bedridden for 6 months b4 he went back 2 work. No biggie. Except, b4 his re-injury, he was all over me, all the time. After he re-injured his back, I was the only one to instigate our sex life, and was turned down 89% of the time. I can understand that, when his back was hurting. It still hurt my ego, though, honestly.

Now that I have been turned down so many times, it has become a habit for me, that he doesn't even see. My heart is totally hardened & I expect him 2 reject me, so I don't even try to be intimate anymore. Even worse, nowdays, when he does want to be sexual, I cannot get my head around it, and even though I enjoy our trysts, I can never come. I don't think I ever can again with him, because it is so screwed up, and I feel as if strings are attached. (if i am alone, i can come in 60 seconds, flat) I hate feeling this way. I feel like I am pressured to react a certain way, and I simply cannot.

I am so damned tired of being lonely, I don't know what 2 do. I am not afraid of being ALONE, I just cannot handle feeling lonely anymore, while being married. how fucked up is that?

Help?

Love you my girlies,

xo


hey lawyer girl. i feel your pain. if you scroll down, i wrote something in the thread earlier about it. now i don't even try to initiate anything physical, because i know i will get turned down, or he'll feel he has to go along with it. i feel unattractive sometiimes, and that i NEED some form of attention ( i even have to ask hiim to cuddle with me). i want someone to say "I WANT YOU" or "YOU ARE F'IN BEAUTIFUL AND I WANT YOU". i rarely need sexual recognition, but it's been many months without it. we're just two droids sharing a house together.

on the upside, he is getting therapy. his problems kind of need them. but i am also thinking about going with him.

but i do know the feeling- to be turned down so many times (for one reason or another) that you don't even want to initiate it anymore. it's rattling. but communication does aide the situation.
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lawyergirl
post Aug 9 2006, 11:43 PM
Post #185


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QUOTE(venetia @ Aug 5 2006, 08:13 AM) *

Katiebelle you are right to do what's right for YOU. Everyone is different.

After 6 years my SO and I still want to have sex every single day (if we're just "fooling ourselves" then it's working pretty well!). We have our ups and downs due to tiredness but we still basically want each other a lot. And quite frankly I wouldn't settle for less in a relationship, long term, as sex is really important to me as well. So I can completely understand why you would want to break it off.


Hi V, and all my other Busties,

Boy, I wish my life and concerns were as uncomplicated as yours. Don't get me wrong. We are all going through our own private hell....I just am at my wits' end here.

I love my husband, and he absolutely loves me too. My problem is guilt, I guess. We have been together for almost 9 years. During our 2nd year together, his back went south on him, from an old high school football injury. He was bedridden for 6 months b4 he went back 2 work. No biggie. Except, b4 his re-injury, he was all over me, all the time. After he re-injured his back, I was the only one to instigate our sex life, and was turned down 89% of the time. I can understand that, when his back was hurting. It still hurt my ego, though, honestly.

Now that I have been turned down so many times, it has become a habit for me, that he doesn't even see. My heart is totally hardened & I expect him 2 reject me, so I don't even try to be intimate anymore. Even worse, nowdays, when he does want to be sexual, I cannot get my head around it, and even though I enjoy our trysts, I can never come. I don't think I ever can again with him, because it is so screwed up, and I feel as if strings are attached. (if i am alone, i can come in 60 seconds, flat) I hate feeling this way. I feel like I am pressured to react a certain way, and I simply cannot.

I am so damned tired of being lonely, I don't know what 2 do. I am not afraid of being ALONE, I just cannot handle feeling lonely anymore, while being married. how fucked up is that?

Help?

Love you my girlies,

xo


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gypsyraven
post Aug 8 2006, 06:19 AM
Post #186







We were given the suggestion to help us out of our rut. My husband has to try anything new that I want for the next 30 days. Then I will have to do what he wants. He is learning that he likes some things that he never thought he would. It is all within reason, and safe. And nothing to jeopardize who we are individually. I do think stress, kids, work, and all that other crap can hamper your sex drive though. You just have to make time for each other. Easier said than done I know.
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venetia
post Aug 5 2006, 01:56 AM
Post #187


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Katiebelle you are right to do what's right for YOU. Everyone is different.

After 6 years my SO and I still want to have sex every single day (if we're just "fooling ourselves" then it's working pretty well!). We have our ups and downs due to tiredness but we still basically want each other a lot. And quite frankly I wouldn't settle for less in a relationship, long term, as sex is really important to me as well. So I can completely understand why you would want to break it off.
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ginger_kitty
post Aug 3 2006, 06:15 PM
Post #188


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Yeah, the Mr. and I have been in a bit of a rut lately, too. I am thinking my birth control has taken a serious toll on my sex drive. My annual is next week so I am going to discuss it w/ my doc. If things do get reved up they seem to fizzle a bit. We will have sex twice a day, then next thing you know, maybe once a week if we are lucky. But I think stress is a big part of it also. All I know is I am definately ready to charge things back up.

p.s. katiebelle don't worry you are not insane. I think what you are talking about is completely natural. I love my hubby madly and still lust after him but everybody is different. Frankly, the thought of being w/ any man other than my husband scares the shit out of me! Settling with one person might not be for you, though.


--------------------
-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

-What we think, we become.
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karianne
post Aug 2 2006, 08:39 AM
Post #189


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I am in a serious sex rut! My sex drive is just low low low right now. I think it's due to stress, mostly. I just feel bad b/c I know Mr K wants to do it more, but sometimes I just don't want to. Hoping it improves soon.
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katiebelle2882
post Jul 31 2006, 12:53 PM
Post #190


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From: NYC


i have a question for everyone kind of along the same lines as ms GB. i broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about a year ago bc it seemed like a never ending sex rut. i was into other guys, and it just didnt seem right even though he is the kind of guy most women would do anything for. he was perfect in every single way. sweet, sensitive, very good-looking, attentive, loved the shit out of me and yet i was bored out of my freaking mind sex-wise. since i love sex and its very very important to me, this was enough to break the bank. most people think i am insane, and i want to know am i?

as in, if you are in a sex rut that never seems to end, is companionship worth it even thouh the sex is medicocre? part of me feels like that i will always get bored with a guy sexually, or eventually i should say. part of me feels like its impossible to truly be attracted to your SO aftera certain period of time and those that say they are are fooling themselves. maybe i think that cause i cant picture ever having that burning lust for someone after a certain period of time.

is feeling like this unavoidable? people say you need to try new things with your partner but for me its like, no matter how much i love them, i dont want to try new things i want to try a whole new freaking person!!


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ms.gb
post Jul 31 2006, 12:44 PM
Post #191


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From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


anyone else in a sex rut? like feeling un-sexy or just plain out of it? i try to 'jumpstart' it but its very short lived.


--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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chimera00
post Jul 16 2006, 01:00 AM
Post #192


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thanks ladies. mode & ms. gb: he has just started seeing a therapist.
in the meantime, i find myself completely fantasizing about some other guy. it's terrible; and i happened to see him out one night, and i couldn't help but approach him. i guess i needed some sort of attention...
thanks for the insight about not having to do this alone, modegirl. it made me feel better about things.

dicharry: i'm glad things are getting better with you & you have a supportive partner who isn't pressuring you.

xx
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dicharry
post Jul 13 2006, 04:29 PM
Post #193


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From: Denver, CO


1st post in this thread ---
hey chimera -
i've sort of gone through the same thing, i sobered up a few years ago, and i've found it really difficult to have sexual relationships the same way I used to. It used to just be something I would do because I was expected to do it, and I was drunk anyway, and maybe it would make them like me blah blah blah. Now I have all these expectations of myself in my head, and it can be really hard to take the pressure off. Luckily, I don't have a history of sexual abuse or rape, but I'm assuming that can make everything three milllion times harder. Went I went to my therapist to talk about this, he says that the thing about it is that it takes years to move on past things like that, and that sometimes it feels like we're making progress and sometimes it doesn't. I don't think all the weird messages I get from the media about women always being ready to go are helping me any, either.
Luckily, my husband is pretty normal in tons of respects and extremely sensitive to me, but sometimes I really do wish I was that woman who just couldn't get enough of it.
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ms.gb
post Jul 13 2006, 10:34 AM
Post #194


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From: Los Angeles, California...west siiiide!!!


chimera--kudos to you for trying to work this out between you and the boy...has he thought about counseling of sorts?

as for the morning or night.....depends on my energy...i love to sleep in...but if he wakes me up right, it could be a good morning...same at night...he needs to put out the energy tooo...this ain't a one woman show.

So i tried something different the other night....and i call it 'billy madison sex'.

here's how it goes.....

remember in the movie, how the 'teacher' would help him memorize stuff by stripping?
same concept but with a twist.

as i removed articles of clothing, mr.gb had to say stuff that he appreciated about me, what i do or have done, etc. which i think helps since he has a hard time verbalizing complements in general.

Talk about motivation....lol. biggrin.gif


--------------------
"If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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modegirl
post Jul 13 2006, 09:20 AM
Post #195


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Funny, i'm the odd one out! i'm the morning sex one, and my husband's the nighttime - anything past 9pm and i'm too tired, but i usually let him get his way if he works at it. i think we both agree that afternoons are the best, and try to do that as often as we can in addition to the evening sex. there are certainly a syncing thing that every couple has to work out. i find that talking about sex consistently keeps it on our minds and hot; when we don't talk about it, i find it kind of drops off my radar!

hugs to you chimera- there's alot to work out there btwn you and your guy. it's definitely not about the sex; the sex is somehing that is part of your emotional relationsip...don't think of it as something you have to do alone; the issues that your guy is having is beyond the scope of what the average couple can probably handle easily. have either of you considered couples therapy? what he is going through is going to take alot of help; complex issues of abuse as well as intertwined substance use and also what it takes to go forward, i.e. does he want a sexual relationship, and is he willing to do some emotional work? all these are things to work on for himself and have a context in your relationship. ie are you willing to support him through this, even if it means you may hear some things that are upsetting or difficult including, no, he doesn't want a sexual relationship, etc.
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chimera00
post Jul 11 2006, 12:36 AM
Post #196


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unlike many of the women who have posted here, my "problem" is that he doesn't want to have sex. at all. well, maybe he does. but he needs to feel completely comfortable. if i smile, he tenses up. if we have a hard time intially getting things to "fit", he gets all sensitive.

see we started off as roommates. the relationship was not extremely sexual. it was more "comfortable". i had just had a terrible experience with being assaulted (a year ago), and he was exactly what i needed. but now, i've healed a lot, and he doesn't seem to be moving forward with me.

we've talked a few times about why he doesn't intiate sex, and of course he gets reallly defensive. i didn't know if he just wasn't attracted to me. it made me really insecure for a bit. but then i realized the "problem" was not me. it was something he was dealing with. he said that he had never had sex when he was sober (he quit drinking when he started seeing me). so this is the first time he had to deal with his feelings/insecurities regarding the issue.

after talking a few more times, he opened up to me about his childhood. he was sexually abused at different points in his life. he never really dealt with it. he would just drink and forget about it.
he told me the other night that sometimes, being touched makes him feel terrible, like he wants to die. (he is not usually dramatic with words, so i took this seriously).

this obviously has had an effect on my expression of affection towards him. i'm afraid to touch him too much, because i fear that i'm making him uncomfortable. i'm afraid to initiate sex because i don't want him to feel pressured.
i'm in a bit of a fix. and sometimes i just want to scream "TOUCH ME, IT'S OK!"
but i know that when i went through Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after being raped over a year ago, that all i needed was someone who understood and was patient.

sorry, ladies to vent.

but i'm completely frustrated, yet i care about this person deeply and i want to be there for him & with him.
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mermaidgirl13
post Jul 6 2006, 04:28 PM
Post #197


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Chiming in on the morning/night thing too. I like having sex at night, or at least, just not in the morning. In the morning I feel gross and just want to shower and start the day,like you said Humminghbird.

I've been with him for 8 years and I think sex during the last two years has been better than it ever was before.

It's interesting how it fluctuates though - in our time together, there have been a couple stretches of several months when we hardly had sex and then months where we have a lot. It's interesting how it goes, but sucks when we are in different places sex-drive wise.
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hummingbird
post Jun 23 2006, 01:31 PM
Post #198


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I have the same issue, my boyfriend likes it at night and in the morning...I prefer nighttime sex. I just want to get up in the morning and get the day started and then have sex like in the afternoon because sex first thing in the morning slows us down and we end up cuddling for way too long afterward.
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kittenbonanza
post Jun 23 2006, 05:58 AM
Post #199







I'd have sex more often, but I usually have to do all the work. Sometimes I just want to lie back and let him do his thing, you know? I don't have to have five orgasms every time we have sex. But he hates missionary and has devoted his life to giving me more orgasms than I give him or something.
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chloedan
post May 28 2006, 07:15 PM
Post #200


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delurking to back you up on the morning/night thing. i always want sex at night when he is too tired,and in the morning with the sunlight streaming in and the comatose feeling i always have till about noon, it's the last thing on my mind! i could never understand why he liked it then, but i guess it's a common thing.
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