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> My boyfriend called me fat.
moma
post May 13 2006, 02:35 PM
Post #21


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hey sexy, i read your post, and haven't read many of the responses but i think your boyfriend was legit, and i think he tried to do it sensitively. i know its obviously the LAST thing in the world you wanted to hear, but then when i was reading your responses to what he said (what was going on in your head) they were sounding pretty defensive. he wasn't trying to hurt you, and i think he wants to support you, and he legitimately wants you to feel good about yourself, and he wants you both to live healthy lifestyles. i think thats fair. i think he fears that if he doesn't say anything, you're going to keep making excuses, and suddenly become really unhappy about yourself. i think you have every right to be mad at first, but once the sting is gone, think of the positive side...he totally wants to help you, and help you do something GOOD for both of you.

i hope that you see my advice as trying to be helpful, and supportive. its hard to lose weight, its hard to push yourself, but the payback is sooo rewarding. you will feel better about yourself, and you will suddenly find inner strength and motivation to do new things, at least thats what i've found. i recently started going to the gym again ( the gym i SWEAR by is curves..look into it! ) its the most amazing gym, its great for support, and it WORKS. you do'nt have to think about it. you go there, and the workout is set up for you, no confusion about machines, weights, whatever. its all figured out already. i lost about 20 pounds there the last time i went, and i only went for 4 months. so check it out. since i joined again 2 weeks ago, i feel empowered, i wake up and go, and i'm productive all week long.

my 2 cents. i hope something helped. don't beat him up over it. relationships are about honesty and trust. you know he loves you, he just wanted to help, and be honest. if he decided to grow a mullet, you'd tell him sooner or later that you didn't like it.
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pollystyrene
post May 12 2006, 04:37 PM
Post #22


Too many mutha uckas, Uckin' with my shi-
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I second lucizoe- DTMFA!


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cstars124
post May 12 2006, 11:33 AM
Post #23


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Posts: 179
From: Providence


i don't think there's any excuse for it. Personally, I would have dumped his ass right there. If he knows you're insecure about shit like that, he shouldn't say anything, ESP if you were starting to make a conscious effort to change it because you were unhappy. Even if he didn't realize you were insecure about it, he STILL shouldn't have said anything. I'm sorry, but he sounds like an ass to me.

I'm 5'4 and once upon a time I was a size 12 and I never ever thought of myself as fat. Bigger than most, maybe...but never fat and god help the guy who ever said I was...
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venetia
post May 11 2006, 05:40 PM
Post #24


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From: Aotearoa (aka New Zealand)


Sexytrexy, what bothers me about this is that it's clear from his tone that he isn't saying it because he is trying to support your goals or your physical health.

The way he puts it, it's all about him and what he requires of a partner - kind of like if you were a car or a house or something. That kind of worries me.

I think you need to keep your own goals separate from your bf's. I mean, don't make him be the reason why you want to lose weight, and don't ask him to help or take responsibility for it. Is there anyone else who will fix the bike for you?
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celimene
post May 11 2006, 03:05 PM
Post #25


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This is SUCH a difficult topic! I think the way he approached it is awful and I totally understood why it made you feel awful; HOWEVER, is there any polite way to tell a partner that their weight gain is worrying you or putting you off? I only way this because it has happened to me personally with an ex of mine and I didn't know how to handle it. I'm a small person myself - petite framed and 5'4". I am lucky in that I don't think I will ever be heavy, thanks to genetics, but I do work very very hard to stay fit, more by going to the gym frequently, than by actually watching what I eat (I have a bit of a sweet tooth). So when my ex gained 40 pounds over a period of a couple of years, it was not only that it made me feel less attracted to him, but that it was actually uncomfortable for me when we had sex. There was no way to actually tell him this without horribly hurting his feelings, so I didn't come out right and say it, but I knew he felt it and was aware of it in other ways. Like whenever he would pick up a regular Coke, I would say how he should try and cut out soft drinks and just buy bottled water, etc. I started to feel bitter that while I make a conscious effort to look good for him (going to the gym 3-5 times a week), he wasn't interested in reciprocating. Even if he didn't like going to the gym, there were things he liked doing that had quick results that he just wouldn't stick to (there was a period of time where he hiked up and down a canyon every day for a month and lost 20 pounds!). There were also small things he could have done that he never would (like not eating dessert, not drinking soda, etc.) that he never seemed willing to do. We eventually broke up, for more reasons than just the weight, but it was definitely a big factor (and in the end it caused him to snore so loud I could never sleep with him). My point is not to make you feel bad in any way, but just to offer you some insight into what may have caused this outburst from your loved one and where he might be coming from. I don't think this means he doesn't love you or respect you, but maybe rather than getting upset about it, you should evaluate whether you really want to make a change and lose the weight or whether you would rather be with somebody who accepts you the way you are and move on.
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sexytrexy
post May 11 2006, 01:53 PM
Post #26


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I think he was just worried about what I've said about weight in the past, how I've always strugged with it, and most specifically how he knows I never want to be my mother. So, In retrospect, I decided to give him another shot. I'm sure he knew that I had been crying all day. As far as size is concerned, I think that my being a 12 and only 5'3'' is a bit much. Especially since I put on that weigt in such a short amount of time.
Thanks for the sugarbusters advice, kitty. I'll definately check that out.
And sorry about the new thread, lucizoe.
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kitty8499
post May 11 2006, 01:40 PM
Post #27


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Men can be such pigs.I guess they think we are incapable of looking at ourselves in the mirror and realizing we've put on a few pounds.I know exactly what I would of said.After he pointed out my weight I would of quickly let him know how small and insignificant his dick was.But i'm mean and spiteful heehee.I don't know how old you are or how your metabolism rate is but try going on sugar busters.You can find a copy of the diet in most book stores.Its kinda a low carb diet but not as extreme in the fact you can have fruits,and bread in moderation as long as its whole wheat and brown rice.Its pretty healthy too.My cousin lost alot of weight on that diet and said it didn't really even feel like she was dieting.The other good thing is she's kept it off pretty effortlessly.Good luck
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katiebelle2882
post May 11 2006, 11:51 AM
Post #28


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Posts: 647
From: NYC


that is obnoxious. although, that is a pretty big jump in your size in only 5 months. he could be worried about it bc i know alot of people who have quit smoking and not gained that much that fast.

nevertheless, hes pointing out something that he HAS to know you are insecure about. so even if he is trying to help you, hes going about it in the absolute worst way possible. also, luci is right, 12-14 isnt fat. i gained alot of weight over a period of time when i was with my ex and once in awhile he would say stuff but i knew he still loved me. (he also gained weight so he couldnt say too much). he would also drag me to the gym and we would do things together to help eachother. maybe he doesnt know how to go about it, or maybe hes just an asshole. who knows. either way, you need to talk to him about it and if it so happens he is just an asshole, dump the bastard.


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girlygirlgag
post May 11 2006, 09:06 AM
Post #29


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Yeah, that is so shitty. When you quit smoking you have to battle it everyday, it is like and Alcoholic quitting Alcohol, you are addicted to it. ALWAYS. It just gets a little easier after a LONG TIME, like ten years. Also, your metabolism is so out of whack right now from Nicotine withdrawal.

What a jerk. I would totally cry.


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lucizoe
post May 11 2006, 07:22 AM
Post #30


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well, personally, to borrow a dan savage phrase, I would DTMFA

that aside, we try really really hard not to start new threads, especially when your question/problem can fit in any number of threads. Try reposting in the General Relationship Advice thread or in Our Bodies/Our Hells...

That said, size 12-14 isn't fat and he sounds like a controlling asshole.
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sexytrexy
post May 11 2006, 12:35 AM
Post #31


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I'm gonna come right out and say it, then explain...
My boyfriend called me fat today.
We've been together for over a year, and are about to get our first apartment together. Back in December, I quit smoking, and he warned me from the beginning that I might gain some weight, get depressed or stressed out, and that he would be suportive and understanding. In the last few months, I've really been noticing the weight I've put on. It is especially painful because it was SOOO hard to quit smoking. But when I go from a size 8-10 to a size 12-14 in like five months, it makes it much worse because now I have to buy new pants and it's kind of a slap in the face. So I decided to start to try running. I also got a bike that my boyfriend promised to fix (though he has yet to get around to it!). The running part didn't work out for me so well, and I started bugging my boyfriend to fix the bike for me. That's the point I was at when he brought up the topic. Here's how it went:
him: "Honey, we need to talk about something, and you're not going to like it."
me: "Okay, what's up?"
him: "It's about the weight you've gained. You know how much I try to stay in shape, because my parents are so out of shape. I don't want you to start looking like your mom. Don't worry, I'll help you, I'll eat whatever you need to eat to get in shape, but I need this to change. Or, at least, I need you to try."
me (almost in tears): "but...you...the bike in the shed...I just quit smoking..."
him: "I'll fix the bike for you this week, I promise. But you haven't been addicted to cigarettes for months now, and I feel I've waited until a time when nothing much is going on in your life to tell you about this."
I, not being good with confrontations at all, didn't say a word. All I could do was cry. But here's what I was thinking:
-You're not going to fix my bike.
-I've been fucking trying to do things that get me moving, like walking instead of taking bus.
-Don't you know you're the only person who sees me naked? Can't you be a little more sensitive?
-I don't care how long ago I quit, it's still hard every day.
-Stop touching me and trying to make yourself feel better.
-You mean, waited until a time when I'm trying to move, help my friend sell her house, helping you organize a garage sale, finding you a fucking apartment with 'I don't care, it's up to you' as my only feedback, and starting school summer quarter? No, not a damn thing going on with me right now!
-YOU THINK I HAVEN'T NOTICED I'VE GAINED WEIGHT? Even though I've brought it up to you in the past and asked for help?
Now, thanks to our discussion in the morning before I had run any of my errands (hello, puffy face), I've been crying at the drop of a hat. I cried when every one of his three housemates asked if I was alright. I cried when a sappy love song came on. I feel the opposite of sexy. Most of all, I'm upset that he found a button and pushed it. I feel like he wasn't offering help, he was offering an ultimadem (sp?).
Am I being to too sensitive?
And does anyone have any good dieting tips?
Maybe I'm just pissed because he's right.
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