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> Frustrated Singles
mouse
post Sep 7 2008, 03:48 PM
Post #221


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it was fine, actually. he was really fun to talk to and i had a good time. i'm not sure if i'm attracted to him but i'd be willing to give it another shot. he has weird posture but a cute face. i am very very way too picky for my own good.

this morning i had brunch with a bunch of friends i hadn't seen in forever, two of whom were two boys i've had on my "maybe i have a crush on you" list for the past year. they were both looking especially cute, but they were at the other end of the table so we didn't really talk. one gave me a hug when he left. they both live in my neighborhood, really close...i feel like i should pursue something but i'm not sure if i'm genuinely into either of them and it just seems weird to go for something you're not 100% about. i guess maybe i should rethink that? eh.


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crazyoldcatlady
post Sep 7 2008, 01:48 PM
Post #222


the moistiest
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mouse, how'd it go???
i gotta tell you, you have got to be the sweetest soul to put up with the shit from the last date. if some guy came steppin looking all hobo, i'd be out. DONE. period.
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mouse
post Sep 6 2008, 11:56 PM
Post #223


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From: shangri-l.a.


so i'm heading out in a few to go meet a new guy from okcupid for drinks. i am nervous. i think that last one really did me in, because i had thought he was so great in emails. this guy also seems great in emails. he's funny and sarcastic and we seem to be on the same page more or less. his one photo where i can see his face seems like he could be cute but it's so hard (at least for me) to get a real sense of someone from a photo. i'm learning that it really is so much about how the guy carries himself, how he speaks for me to be attracted to him. though it's nice to connect with someone on an intellectual level first, it's a little misleading because i've found that that doesn't guarantee a connection in person. ergh. ok, here i go.


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erinjane
post Sep 5 2008, 10:38 PM
Post #224


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Posts: 1,301
From: Winnipeg


So I met up with another guy from POF. I realized I've actually only met two people off there now. My current FWB and this new guy. He's nice, I like him, and we've seen each other twice...the first time he actually slept over here and the second time (wednesday) I slept at his place. I don't quite know what to make of him yet. We haven't actually discussed what each of us is looking to get out of this so I don't feel emotionally invested. It's weird. He keeps surprising me with all these different sides of his personality. Shamefully I think I had pre-conceived notions of him because on his profile he said he was catholic. I know, it's horrible. His personality is just all over the place, in a good way. He seems mostly normal with a fun kinky side. I have no idea what he's thinking, but I'm not stressed at all. Next time I see him though I'm going to need to find out what we're doing here.

Tonight I realized that some time in the last few weeks I went from being happily single to extremely bored and single. I'm getting tired of just having sex, albeit really good sex, and never meeting anyone who makes my heart pound.

This is kind of cheesy, but y'know that speech that Kate Winslet has in Eternal Sunshine...ah, thanks IMDB: "Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
That's how I feel lately being on that dating site, and with all the guys I've dated (except 1). Too many guys are looking for some kind of answer in me, some kind of way to complete them. That's how I've always felt in past relationships...like they look at me as if I'm some sort of answer. It turns me off, it's like they expect me to drop everything I'm doing in my life and I should want to be with them 24/7. I don't think I'm looking for an answer in anyone. I'm just looking for someone I can love as much as I love myself.


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anna k
post Sep 5 2008, 10:33 PM
Post #225


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From: NYC


I went out on a date with a guy from OKCupid tonight. We met at a Starbucks and sat for an hour, talking about sci-fi movies, his travels, our backgrounds, etc. I felt nervous at first, not knowing if I could hold a conversation, but I eased into feeling comfortable, with some quiet moments in between. I asked about him a lot, not wanting to talk about myself too much, and felt at ease talking to him. I didn't feel a physical attraction, more of a friendly thing. I'll wait a few days to see if he sends me an email, and if not, I'll send a friendly one, saying I had a good time and would like to see him again.

I haven't had luck with Craigslist. It feels really creepy and shady on that site. I like OKCupid because there are a lot of cute hipster geeks in bands or technology, and two guys who I dated for several dates each were both geeky-cute musicians I found on that site. Nerve costs money, and I prefer the hipster cute geeks, even if I don't know they would be interested in me.

thirtiesgirl, I often fantasize about sex, of hooking up with cute guys and losing my inhibitions and being crazy turned on by someone, showing off the minx beneath the shy girl look. It's a preoccupation of mine to daydream like that, very cliche.
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mouse
post Sep 5 2008, 10:14 PM
Post #226


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From: shangri-l.a.


thirtiesgirl, i agree with what others have said. furthermore, if you're going to obsess about it, why not just turn it into fantasizing? you can while away lots of nervous wait time with dirty daydreams, and you don't have to try to get yourself to stop thinking about him wink.gif

jan, i think we're all talking about different things when we say "internet dating"-really just any way of using the internet as a means to meet new people. one thing that's kind of nice about it is it's very straightforward--you don't need to worry about whether the guy is asking you to hang out because he likes you, or because he LIKES likes you. it's all already on the table, and for someone with less-than-stellar people-reading skills like me, that is pretty great.

i've never used the bust personals. i've had some luck with craigslist--in fact, the first time i ever tried it, i landed my last boyfriend, who ended up being the longest and most complicated romantic and sexual involvement i've ever had. however, i think that was a total fluke. right now i'm using okcupid, which seems the most promising to me. it seems to mostly be filled with my type of species--the hipster nerd, if you will. plus, the "inventors" are all cute nerdy ivy league alums who seem to have figured out some ridiculous "matching" algorithm. nerve/salon personals seem like they might be good too but they make you pay, and i am very opposed to that. never tried anything else.


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i_am_jan
post Sep 5 2008, 06:33 PM
Post #227


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Posts: 488
From: Columbus, Ohio


Thirtiesgirl: What everyone else said...also, it sounds like you're a bit anxious about the whole thing, I certainly can relate...so, if you must be anxious/forward-looking, try to focus that anxiety toward sharing all of the many wonderful qualities that you certainly have with this person...think about how great it will be to entertain and exchange stories/thoughts with the guy. Just be excited like you were about dating in high school, it helps! That may help guide and focus the anxiety where it needs to be. After all, the whole sex thing cannot be pre-thought, micromanaged, all of that stuff depends on the chemistry between the two people when they are together; but if you be enthusiastic and confident about the fun you'll have and the fact that you truly do have so much to offer, the dude will be pleasantly surprised, and then everything else will "slide into place" if he is the one tongue.gif With guys, I've learned that, no matter what they SAY they want in a person, I believe it actually all depends on how you make THEM FEEL when they are around you...THAT FEELING they get around you (and the one you get around them of course) will determine where your relationship will go next. Everyone else here: good luck to you as well, I'm reading your stories.

Now a question. I've been reading through the postages here and am kind of thinking about internet dating myself. It would be my first time doing internet dating. What I am wondering is...when you guys refer to online dating, are you talking about the Bust personals? Are you meeting people there? Are the Bust personals any better than the regular old other online services? (They certainly LOOK better)...
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zoya
post Sep 3 2008, 03:23 AM
Post #228


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thirtiesgirl - I agree with star, don't put so much pressure on yourself. just remember, you always have the right to tell him what you're feeling / thinking... I mean, you could just say to him now - "let's just see how we feel when we meet up" it sounds like you guys are on the same page and as star said, moving in a good direction, so it's not like he's gonna dump you if you say you wanna take things slow, focus on how you get along in person before you decide to jump in the sack. I would think that anyone with a good head on their shoulders would understand that if it's long distance, taking it slow is a good thing.
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thirtiesgirl
post Sep 3 2008, 12:39 AM
Post #229


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From: Loss Angeles


QUOTE(stargazer @ Sep 2 2008, 08:26 PM) *
thirtiesgirl, relax and breathe. and breathe again. you are overthinking it waaaaaaaaaay too much. it sounds like things are moving in a good direction. don't let old insecurities get to you.

I know... overthinking: it's what I do. He is a long distance connection, though, which is going to make things more difficult if I start feeling attached. That's mostly what I'm freaked about. (And I was kinda joking about the whole pot smoking thing. I didn't have that much sex while stoned in my 20s. ...But it did, on occasion, help stop my brain synapses from firing at such a rapid rate and enable me to have good sex with my boyfriend without worrying about what it all means all the freakin' time!)


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anna k
post Sep 2 2008, 11:33 PM
Post #230


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From: NYC


I feel so frustrated. I read Craigslist profiles and consider hookups with guys since it's avaliable, but I don't get turned on easily and hate feeling bored or turned off by sex. I don't have any crushes in my life, and I go on dates every few months and will do some meetup group to meet guys, but haven't had a lot of luck. It pisses me off sometimes, because I know I can get turned on, but it doesn't happen often. I considered hooking up with a CL guy for this weekend, but he lives in Staten Island and I live in Queens, and he suggested a hotel to meet at, and it just felt shady and creepy to me.

Tonight I felt good in an exercise class because the instructor was a sexy young guy who would correct me on my form by touching me and saying how well I was doing. It made me feel happy and excited. I also felt sexy this week by being in my dance class and lounging around my apartment in a new tank top I bought.

I just wish I had guys in my life who I was friends with and meet other guys through them, the normal thing. Instead, I live alone, have worked various jobs, have sex or date occasionally, hang out with friends when time's avaliable, and feel like a nerdy prude.

I am going to go out with a guy Friday night, but he's not someone who I'm really into, more of a nerdy gamer. But I wanted to give him a chance, and I haven't dated in a while.
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stargazer
post Sep 2 2008, 10:26 PM
Post #231


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thirtiesgirl, relax and breathe. and breathe again. you are overthinking it waaaaaaaaaay too much. it sounds like things are moving in a good direction. don't let old insecurities get to you.


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thirtiesgirl
post Sep 2 2008, 09:18 PM
Post #232


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From: Loss Angeles


Help me Rhonda. This time *I* need some advice, or words of encouragement...something. I'm not really sure what.

The situation is this: over the past few weeks, the long distance guy and I have finally broached the subject of sex in our phone conversations. Everything he's said indicates he's quite interested in knocking boots with me the next time we get together, which will be in another few weeks on September 20. Our phone convos and e-mails have also become more meaningful in the past few weeks. For example, after our lengthy phone conversation the other night, he e-mailed me the next day to say he was really getting hung up on me in a good way and couldn't wait for our next date. I should add that we've also discussed the subject of casual sex, which we've both ascertained is not what we want. Point being, when we get together on September 20, if we decided to have sex, it's going to be *meaningful* sex, of which I have not partaken in quite some time. Really. A long, long time. Casual booty call sex, yes. Meaningful sex with a guy who's really into me, no.

And I'm kind of starting to freak out about it. Not the sex itself, but the *meaning* attached to it. And what's really not helping me is that we have 3 more weeks before our next date. Three more weeks for this to rattle around in my head and bug the shit out of me. Do I need to explain that I really don't want to be all bugged out when the time comes and be too afraid to take the leap? Or take the leap but shut down my feelings in an effort to 'keep things casual'? Gah! I am becoming so neurotic about this! Has anyone else experienced something similar? And if so, how did you handle it? I really don't want to become a neurotic mess about sex again like I was in my 20s. Back then, I dealt with it by smoking pot. But I'm past that stage now and have learned that stoner sex really isn't much fun. Not to mention, I seriously doubt this guy is even a casual pot smoker, outside of the usual high school experimentation. This is sex without the mood altering substances, and I'm freaked out by how I might react to it.


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thirtiesgirl
post Aug 31 2008, 01:07 PM
Post #233


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From: Loss Angeles


Mouse, I think I can identify a little with how you're feeling about the guy. In my trials with internet dating, I've met several 'hopeless' guys with serious personal issues. They've all been very sweet, and overall very nice guys, but with a lot of issues. I'll share my story with one of them.

I never actually dated this guy, but we spent about a week e-mailing each other, and then spent about 3 weeks talking to each other on the phone nearly every day. From our first phone call, it became apparent that his issues were too deep for me to deal with. And they were obviously too deep for him, too. He was my age, unemployed, and seemingly unable to keep a job. Personally, my guess is that he had undiagnosed and untreated anxiety issues. He lived in the run-down guest house on his mom's property. There was no bathroom, laundry or kitchen in the guest house (basically, it was a one-room hovel), so he spent a lot of time at his mom's house doing laundry, cooking for both of them, etc. As is the case with many people who live in close proximity with their parents, his relationship with his mom had a lot of ups and downs; more downs than ups. He'd often call to talk about their latest argument. It was obvious from his tone of voice on the phone that he was disappointed in himself, but literally didn't seem able to see a way out of it.

In our phone conversations, he was very sweet, told me often he thought I was a great person, he really liked me and valued our contact, and sometimes got tearful on the phone with me. But he was aware enough to know that he had too many issues to really be dateable, while at the same time it was obvious he really wanted a connection with someone. I hated telling him that I didn't feel comfortable dating him until some of his issues were straightened out, but I had to do what was right for me. Eventually, our contact tapered off, and about 6 months later, he called me again to let me know that he was leaving for Seattle for a while to go live with his brother and sister-in-law. He'd had a really big fight with his mom and she'd essentially kicked him off the property, so he felt it was better to get out of town for a while. We said our goodbyes and I didn't hear from him for over a year. When he came back from Seattle, he called me again. He was the same sweet guy as always, back to his same patterns, living in his mom's guest house, no job or prospects on the horizon. He just wanted to call and tell me he was thinking about me, which was very sweet, but just as before, he knew it couldn't go further than that.

Every time he came back into my life and called me, I'd feel bad for weeks about not wanting to date him and not being able to help him. He seemed like such a deserving, but very screwed up guy. But the one thing I've learned in my 17+ years living on my own, and 10+ years as a single woman (occasionally attached or dating) is that there's nothing more powerful than being able to do for yourself - to work on your own problems, make your own way, find your own place to live and turn it into your own personal space. No matter how loving and non-judgmental someone is in helping you accomplish those things, it builds so much more confidence to do it on your own. And that's what I believe this guy needed to do. He needed to find himself a job, something with a health care plan - stocking groceries at the supermarket, trash collecting, flipping burgers at McD's - and then get himself in therapy, get his issues diagnosed and get the right medication to help him work on those issues. From there, he could go wherever he wanted, get some job skills, go back to school, whatever. But he had to take those first steps on his own, and dating me wasn't going to help him do it.


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mouse
post Aug 31 2008, 11:36 AM
Post #234


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well, i mean, i think that this is present in all forms of dating but especially so with online, because it's really hard to tell what the person is like in real life from a few paragraphs and photos, and you already make a verbal connection through exchanging emails. if it doesn't work in person, you just drop what you started. dating via meeting in person first i think usually goes the other way around--first you decided if the person is dateable (attraction, chemistry & all that) and then you start making the communication connection. it just seems harsh to me to immediately drop something like that. i don't know, i don't know much about dating anyway. but i'm learning. i just felt bad because this dude was very sad and i am too empathetic for my own good.


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neurotic.nelly
post Aug 31 2008, 04:43 AM
Post #235


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thank you, xexyz, i second that emotion.

eta: mouse, i still think that you are an amazing catch and any person who can't see this or shower properly isn't worth your time.


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xexyz
post Aug 31 2008, 12:50 AM
Post #236


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QUOTE(mouse @ Aug 28 2008, 05:32 AM) *
i just feel like guilty mcjerkface. poor guy. he really needs someone to care about him. but so help me god, it is not going to be me, and man i feel shitty about that.


Why are you feeling guilty? If the guy didn't even think highly enough of you to even use basic hygene before showing up for the date then you certainly don't owe him any consideration. It's not like you walked right out after seeing him.
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mouse
post Aug 28 2008, 12:32 AM
Post #237


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i just feel like guilty mcjerkface. poor guy. he really needs someone to care about him. but so help me god, it is not going to be me, and man i feel shitty about that.


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anna k
post Aug 27 2008, 09:56 AM
Post #238


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thirtiesgirl, I updated my OKcupid profile, and the only response I've gotten has been from a man in his late thirties in the music industry. I thought he was OK-looking, but has an interesting background, so I wrote him back.

I also messaged bisexual girls who I found sexy and attractive, though I don't know what they would think of me.

I feel for you mouse. It sucks to keep doing Internet dating if it doesn't feel like you have prospects in your daily life. I don't have a crush on anyone, don't have any male friends, and my life is pretty solitary save for a few female friends. So meetup.com and Internet dating is the way to go for now.
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mouse
post Aug 26 2008, 11:50 PM
Post #239


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ok, so after all my complaining about boys who decline second dates, karma turns around and bites me in the ass--and not in the way i like. i just got back from a disastrous date with a dude from okcupid who seemed promising--intelligent emails, good on paper, adequate in photographs. self-proclaimed nervous mumbler, but hey so am i. on super heavy duty antidepressants but hey, he is dealing with his shit.

WRONG.

i show up, and dude has obviously not showered in at least a week. greasy tangly hair, dirty clothes with holes in them, slumpy posture, runny nose. not even five minutes into the date he tells me that he goes to a methadone clinic "for pain"--whatever that means. upon him opening his mouth to tell me this i notice that he is MISSING THREE TEETH and two more look rotted. he continues to be a nervous wreck during the meal, slurs his sentences, and is generally a very very sad man. i try to make polite conversation, keep the conversation going (something i am not great at even if i am into the person), and make him feel less nervous. i politely lie about having to get up early and how i should not drink caffeine this late when he asks me to go for coffee after.

and then i drive off, and feel like the world's biggest jerk. i know how shitty i felt when the previous boys weren't into me. i got the impression that he has a really sad, lonely and probably difficult life. i am sure he has ten million times worse luck finding girls than i do finding boys, and i'm already miserable about that. i feel so much compassion and sadness for this deeply unattractive, dirty (and not in the good way) and sad man but what the hell can i do????

I HATE DATING. I HATE IT A MILLION TIMES.


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thirtiesgirl
post Aug 23 2008, 02:53 PM
Post #240


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QUOTE(anna k @ Aug 23 2008, 10:37 AM) *
Thanks, thirtiesgirl. I've signed up on meetup.com, but the meetups often happen during the weekend afternoons when I work, or a time when I'd rather take a dance class at the gym.

I hear you. I'm on meetup, too, but like you, haven't yet felt inspired to go to a lot of them because I can be such a socially inept dork at times and get too anxious about having a bad time. Some of the meetup groups I belong to have posted things that sound like fun, but I haven't yet climbed out of my shell to go to any. I went to a few meetups last summer and have been too anxious and/or busy with other stuff to try it again.

QUOTE(anna k @ Aug 23 2008, 10:37 AM) *
I've messaged guys on OKcupid, but have only heard back from a few. I updated my profile, and should probably add what bands/movies/books I like, as that may work better.

I think that's a great idea, being more specific in your profiles on dating sites. It will help weed out the guys who don't share your interests. I mean, you're still going to receive some responses from people who don't pay a lick of attention to anything you've painstakingly written down because they just think your pics are cute, are looking for insta-sex, or are just looking for someone to chat with. But I think once you've taken the time to put it in writing, it solidifies things for *you* and you might be less apt to date a guy who doesn't meet the criteria of what you're looking for or doesn't share some of your interests.

QUOTE(anna k @ Aug 23 2008, 10:37 AM) *
I've been attracted to women before, but more of wanting to kiss them because one would be beautiful and magnetic. I've had times of going to meetups and meeting some woman and being really attracted to her, and feeling weird about it.

That might be a worthwhile thing to explore, just to kiss a girl you find beautiful & magnetic and see how you feel. You don't have to let it go any further than a kiss (or kissing session) if you don't want it to.


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-Mae West
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